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The Mindset of an Abuser When You Cut Them Off · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're talking about how do abusive, manipulative,
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  controlling people feel when you finally go no contact with them?
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  When you finally cut them off for good and you go silent,
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  never to be heard from again? Like Tafiti, like Maui when he
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  lost his hook in Moana, never to be seen again, right?
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  When you when you are finally done for good, what what goes on
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  inside the mind of an abusive narcissistic person when that
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  happens? Y'all?
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  So as a diagnosed narcissist, I can speak to this from a
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  perspective that you probably won't get anywhere else, right?
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  It, it, it just First things first, the doubt.
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  It's kind of like going through the cycle of the cycle of trying
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  to heal for something. It really is like the doubt that
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  goes on inside of your mind. It's like they're not really
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  done. They can't be done.
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  There's no way that they're actually done.
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  Especially if like it's the, it's the denial, right?
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  Especially if y'all have broken up before and got back together
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  a couple times, they're going to deny or doubt that this is
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  actually over. This is really realistically
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  this is how they're going to do it.
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  They're going to deny and doubt the fact that things are
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  actually over. The things have actually gone
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  awry that you are not going to come back regardless of how long
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  you've been no contact, right? So when I'm talking to people
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  over Zoom, when I'm doing my phone calls or what not, I'll
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  ask them, what's the longest you've ever broken up for?
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  And it was like, oh, a couple, a couple days, week, month or
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  whatever case may be. I'm like, OK, so that that
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  abusive person, that narcissistic person is probably
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  thinking that this is just temporary, that you're going to
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  come back. This has to be it.
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  This has to be it. You have to stand tall and stand
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  strong and this has to be the final time that you go no
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  contact. Because if you don't, it's just
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  feeding into that narrative that this is just temporary.
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  They won't believe you. They won't believe anything that
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  you say to them about leaving or treating you better.
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  Because if you keep coming back to me, why do I need to treat
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  you any better? Think about it like that.
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  If you are continuously coming back to me, why would I treat
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  you any better? That's the mind of an abusive
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  person. That's the mind of a narcissist,
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  right? Why would I do anything better
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  for you when it's not a requirement?
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  I'm not required to do it because you don't make me do it.
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  So why would I do it? That's something you got to ask
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  yourself. So the first, the first feeling
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  that they're going to feel when you go no contact, is it?
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  It's not really going to happen, right?
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  They are like narcissistic people are arrogant, so they're
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  not going to believe it, right? They don't believe that you're
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  actually gone. Like because they belt, they
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  broken through no contact before or you've reversed hoovered
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  yourself and you broke no contact.
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  You reached out to them. So in their mind, you're just
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  going to do it again. So sometimes because the ego is
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  so big, so big, so big, so big, they're going to wait you out.
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  Their egos are so inflated or so large, they're good.
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  They will wait you out. They will confidently wait for
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  you to fold and text them or call them or message them on
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  Facebook or Instagram or something like that.
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  Hit them up on Snapchat, WhatsApp, Telegram, all the
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  other stuff. They are expecting you to crave
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  their validation. They're expecting you to come
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  back. So a lot of times you won't hear
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  from them. And look, because I've talked to
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  so many survivors, that's going to affect you.
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  Let's be real. Let's be real.
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  When they are not reaching out to you, when they're not, when
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  they're not trying to violate your boundaries, when they're
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  not contacting your friends or your family, when they're not
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  doing that, that can affect you as well.
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  That's what a lot of people don't talk about right there.
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  Because when they're not reaching out, which you don't
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  want them to really, right, If you want to be no contact, it's
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  easier if they don't reach out. But what people don't tell you
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  is that sometimes when a narcissistic person doesn't
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  reach out, it's going to affect you and make you feel like
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  you're not worthy, especially if you think you're dealing with a
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  narcissist, right? You're going to be like, well,
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  Lee, I thought all narcissist Hoover and reach back out to you
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  and come after you. Why am I not good enough to be
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  Hoover? Am I not good enough to be
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  reached out to? Am I not good?
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  Maybe they're not a narcissist. You see, you start, your brain
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  starts to attack itself, and guess who's sitting back
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  waiting, sipping a a narcissistic mojito, a toxic
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  mojito, Your abusive ex. They're waiting.
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  They want you to feel like you're worthless.
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  They want you to feel like you didn't matter.
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  So guess what? Everybody wants to matter in
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  some way, shape or form. So guess what you do?
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  You reach out, right? You break no contact, and then
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  you got to start the process all over again, right?
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  You got to start the process all over again.
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  But guess what happens when you don't reach out?
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  When a month goes by? Two months, Three months, they
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  asked are panicking. They asked to start panicking.
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  Narcissistic abusive people start panicking when you don't
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  reach out because now it's reality check that that's
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  reality check. It's just like that.
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  Arrogance does a backflip, does a backflip and it turns into
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  panic. Now they're going to start
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  panicking, right? A controlling narcissistic
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  person feeds off of your reactions, feeds feeds off of
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  you reaching out, feeds off of you breaking no contact, right?
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  So when you go completely solid, now you cut off that
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  narcissistic supply, you've cut off that control.
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  Now you might get it down. When they start panicking, they
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  might get dangerous. Let's be, hey, let's keep it hot
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  and ready like a Little Caesar's pizza over here.
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  They might get dangerous. I know I say dangerous like I'm
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  hyped, but like seriously, no, they might become a danger to
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  you and when they become dangerous to you, it can be
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  scary as hell out there. Y'all, let's keep it real.
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  When they because because they start panicking, they're
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  automatic. They're automatically going to
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  assume that you're with somebody else if they are still connected
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  to your friends and family. And sometimes your friends and
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  family are going to be on their side, right?
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  They're going to start reaching out to them.
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  They're going to start posting stuff on social media to hoping
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  that you see hoping that your friends and family members see
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  they're going to start posting panicking things.
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  Sometimes they'll post look, sometimes in a panic.
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  This is this is going to sound stupid.
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  Let me preface this. I know this sounds stupid.
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  I know this sounds stupid. Sometimes they'll post the new
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  supply to try to trigger a response from you, right?
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  They'll go find a temporary source of narcissistic supply of
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  emotional validation, right? Or the bedroom validation stuff,
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  right, to try to trigger a response from you because you'll
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  hit him up. You like, well, I guess I never
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  mattered. I guess nothing we had mattered.
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  I see you're happy with somebody else got you.
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  Because as soon as you reach out, they got you.
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  As soon as you break no contact, they got you, right?
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  They'll post a new supply. They're panicking, so they're
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  panic because, you know, narcissistic, abusive people,
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  toxic people, don't like to be alone.
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  So they go out there and find somebody as a temporary source
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  of supply and start posting them everywhere to try to trigger a
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  response from you. And does it work?
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  Sometimes? Yes, it does.
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  It does work, right? It's a tactic.
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  It does work. Let's be real.
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  It works, right? It works because now, because
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  you haven't reached out, they feel that loss of power.
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  They feel that loss of control, that loss of leverage.
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  They realize that their tactics don't work.
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  If you don't reach out, if you break it through though, if you
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  keep fighting against these waves, if you batten down the
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  Hatch, guess what? They realize that their tactics
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  don't work. They can't push your button.
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  They can't get the emotional reaction or validation that
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  they're seeking from you. They can't make you angry or
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  make you explain yourself to them.
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  They can't do any of that. This, this realization to an
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  abusive narcissistic person, right?
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  This realization can make them feel powerless.
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  And when they feel powerless, it's like being in an unending
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  nightmare, right? Because is it being feeling
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  powerless, being in this unending nightmare, It's also
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  mean they have to sit by themselves.
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  Even if they have a new supply, they don't really want the new
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  supply. They just have this person as a
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  placeholder, right? Even if they are with somebody
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  else, they have to sit in the silence.
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  And you know, when a narcissistic person is alone and
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  sitting with their silence, their thoughts attack them.
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  The emptiness is like more evident than ever.
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  It just not natural it now it absolutely is right.
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  So that's why your silence is your power.
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  You know, of course, when you go no contact, y'all, when you go
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  in no contact you I might do a video about just going no
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  contact from the perspective of a survivor to help survivors and
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  let them know what they need to do and what not.
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  But when you go no contact with them, they are power.
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  What can they do? Y'all right.
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  And you have to realize there's no contact is not to punish
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  them. There's so many people.
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  I don't want to punish them. I don't want to hurt them.
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  No contact is for you. It's not to hurt them.
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  It's not to punish them. It's to protect you, Right?
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  You're not playing a game with them.
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  You're not playing tic tic, tic tac toe.
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  You're not playing Footsie. You not.
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  You're done. No contact is to protect you, is
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  to help you heal. Yes, they're going to be good
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  days. They're going to be bad days.
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  But no contact is not about them.
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  It's about you, right? It's about you.
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  So you are not playing the game anymore.
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  You're done playing the game. Do not break the silence right
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  there, because as soon as you break, they win, right?
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  And the crazy, you know the crazy thing, I've heard so many
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  survivors tell me when I'm doing my, when I'm talking to them
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  over Zoom or whatever, no matter for my phone calls,
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  mentalillness.net, for all those things.
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  I also, I also do sessions over Telegram now as well.
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  I have a text message sessions that I just started, mental
• 10:16
  illness.net for all of that, right?
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  But yeah, you know what, in their minds right there, what
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  ends up happening? I got lost, my thought, lost my
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  train of thought right there with that mental ad.
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  You know what they start to think right here in this
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  situation or what could happen. You could break no contact and
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  they absolutely want you to break no contact.
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  You can break no contact, text them or call them and they don't
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  even respond to you. So now not only have you broken
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  no contact, you've hurt your own feelings, right?
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  They successfully made you feel worth less.
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  They successfully devalued you because they didn't respond
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  right. They didn't respond to you and
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  what not because now they know they have access.
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  They don't have to respond to you.
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  They want you to break no contact because when you break
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  no contact, some of them won't respond to you because now they
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  know that they don't have to. Now they know that they don't
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  need to respond to you because why do they need to respond to
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  you, right? Why do I need to respond to you
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  when it's clear that I still have access to you?
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  I don't need to put in extra work.
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  I don't need to put into extra time, effort and energy.
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  I already have you here. What more do I need to do?
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  All right? What more work do I need to put
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  in? I put in all the work that I
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  needed to put in because you've shown me that regardless, you're
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  going to pick the phone up, regardless of how much time go
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  by. You're going to text me.
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  You're going to look at my stories.
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  You're going to message me. You're going to message my
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  friends and family. You're going to talk to my mom.
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  You're going to talk to my sister.
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  You're going to call the check in on my cat or my dog or
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  whatever. You have to stop playing the
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  game right, because it's a game to narcissistic people and like
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  they like I said, the ego, even if like even if a narcissist
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  wants to reach out to you, sometimes their ego won't let
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  them right? Your abusive ex might want to
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  reach out. They might be damn, I need to
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  call this person for they get away right, But their ego is
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  like hell no, I'm not contacting you.
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  The ego said no, I'm the prize. You have to chase me what I look
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  like chasing after you. Their ego won't let them reach
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  out even if they want to. It's like I mentioned earlier
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  that that game that would they'll they'll go solid and
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  they'll try to play the waiting game with you.
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  Their ego is eating the way at them.
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  It's not like they're not thinking about you.
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  I know some people would ask me like Willy, are they thinking
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  about you? Are they thinking about you?
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  When we going to contact? Yeah, they're definitely
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  thinking about you, right? But just because they're
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  thinking about you doesn't mean that they're going to reach out
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  to you and talk to you. Their ego is so inflated that
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  it's going to make it seem like you need to be the one that's
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  reaching out you. They want like, yeah,
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  narcissistic people, male, female, whatever, right?
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  Want Princess treatment. They want to be chased and
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  courted, right? They want you to chase them
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  because when you chase them, it really does validate all the
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  horrible ass stuff that they put you through.
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  I said in their minds, because you're chasing after me, it
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  can't be that. It can't be that bad because
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  you're pursuing me. It cannot be as bad as you made
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  it out to be. Because how is it when you're
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  pursuing me, you're pursuing that you're chasing after me.
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  Why the hell do I need to put in extra work?
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  You see what I'm saying? Why the hell do I need?
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  Why do I need to change when you clearly accept what I'm doing
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  already? Why do I need to put in extra
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  work when you clearly are OK with what I have done?
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  That doesn't make sense to an abusive person.
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  Like they want to, they want to make take life as easy.
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  They want to make things as easy as they possibly can for
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  themselves, right? So you have to think about that.
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  You have to consider that as well.
• 13:41
  Anyways, y'all, you made it this far.
• 13:42
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• 13:46
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• 13:53
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• 13:54
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• 14:04
  my live Q&A experience. Mental illness.net for
• 14:07
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