Latest / Voices for Voices® / How I Became A Better Dad Through Writing | Episode 110

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How I Became A Better Dad Through Writing | Episode 110 · Voices for Voices®

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, welcome to the Voices for Voices TV show and podcast 2024 edition.
• 0:06
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• 0:12
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• 0:23
  Speaker 1: So thank you for joining us.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: If you're watching us on television or YouTube or other platforms, or listening to us on, maybe a drive-in to work, the subway into work, or just wanting to have a feel-good episode, and that's what today is going to be.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: So today's guest that we're going to be speaking with, I have to credit with helping get Voices for Voices, the TV show and podcast, kind of off the ground.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: He is a host of a show called Forum 360.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: He's graciously asked me to be a guest two separate times, and it was after the second time where we finished filming here at the studio and the conversation came up of what else do you film here, what other shows?
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: And that was the time where I learned that there was the ability to put a program together, having a relative, a business in the Hudson area for Hudson Community Television, and so, with my mind being how it was, I was kind of ready, ready to go, and so we were able to last year in 2023, be able to bring a full season season two to you, not just the audio but the video as well as being televised.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So here in 2024, we are excited to keep the momentum going and we're going to go ahead and introduce our guest.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: So our guest is a host of Forum 360.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: He's also an assistant professor of practice at the University of Akron.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: He is a published author, which we're going to hear about his published works today, and also an awarded professor in the area of ethics.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: He also owns an IT firm and he's a guest speaker at numerous organizations and can be heard regularly talking tech and fatherhood on a local radio program, education wise.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: He holds an MBA from California State University at Dominguez Hills and is an ever mindful married father of two two young children and we'll be able to get to the who and how and what in our conversation, but you'll be able to learn more about our guest his published work at fathers101.com.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: So we're excited to have Mr Mark Wellfully in the studio today for our interview and I just want to thank you for your busy time, especially around exam time.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, happy to be here, great.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So let's just jump right in.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Mental health, becoming a new father.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: What help form in in your mind the fatherhood in 60 minutes or less, the the Polish work that you have?
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: How did that come about?
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't think anybody writes a book to become a millionaire, and certainly that wasn't my mission either.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: My hope was to be able to chronicle, write down a list of all the kind of cute, sometimes painful thoughts and other experiences that I experienced when my children were young, under five years old, and I had a bunch of notes in my pocket, on my desk, in my briefcase.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: And one day I was at a party, a block party, and someone launched the proverbial why don't you write a book?
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: And so I took all those notes and assembled them together and created the fatherhood in 60 minutes or less, 101 unique observations on fatherhood.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: More to have a book that I could look back on, like now that my kids are older, and say, oh yes, I remember when that happened and I remember when that happened and it brings me joy to see that and also to show my kids so they'll have something to carry forward so that they know kind of who I was when you know when I'm, when I'm long gone.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: So I've been really pleased with the response to the book.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: But I really write it, as I think most authors do.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: They write it for themselves and if others like it, that's great.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: But the father's 101 book, I went.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: I was looking back last night, as I do periodically, and I thought, oh my gosh, you know, here's number 62, I haven't been doing that and I should, you know, like show more patience with your child.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: And so every one of these 101 observations, there's a story behind it, and so I've really enjoyed looking back on the book.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: I enjoyed writing it and I enjoy looking back periodically.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and being a professor, did that have any impact of, let's say, project management as you're managing a class, of the lectures in a given term?
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: With the book there is a kind of a star and in an end, and with all the notes you had, did you find that the work you do as a professor and just even in your IT firm, project management, helped as far as bringing those thoughts together to form the book?
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, on two fronts.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Number one I wrote a book, a textbook, with an ethical bent to it.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: It's on Microsoft Excel.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: So that journey through writing a textbook which is different than writing a book about your personal life, but that journey of having someone who reads your script and who reads your book and comments in the corners and in between the margins, and what about this, and how long it takes to bring a book to actual publication in the textbook world, it was a journey of over a year.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: My book here took about six months, but I knew what to expect, which is, once you finish the text, the content.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: That's really almost always a starting point and not an ending point, because then you go through the rewrites and I didn't really mean this and you know.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: So.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: One I was already prepared because I had written a book before.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Number two I had students in my class.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: So every once in a while, if I had one of these fatherhood observations, I would ask my students like, did this happen to you?
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: And maybe they would answer me, maybe they would grunt, but I would get some feedback from them and I would say, oh, and that would help give me some perspective.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: So, from that standpoint, being involved in the University.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Cog has really helped me with publishing but also having a wider audience to kind of bounce a few things off of.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it definitely is a process and, as we spoke before, we tend to write books for others, but subconsciously we're writing it for ourselves.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: And I feel, with your book, and then even with the ones I've published, the same thing looking back that at a point in time, this is content that was meaningful, and being able to look back and go, oh wow, so that here are your students.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: And did your family have feedback too along the way?
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Or was maybe the end closer to the end stages?
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: So after my rough draft was complete, I did send a copy to my mom and my dad, my brother and my wife even my daughter and young son read a little bit of it, and each of them actually contributed one observation that's in the book and each of them gets credit for that observation in the book.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: For instance, my mom said you should only brush the teeth that you want to keep and wash the skin only where there's skin, and it went off there.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: So there's a footprint of each of my loved ones in the book in different places.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: No, that's so interesting.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about my daughter going on five and the brushing the teeth.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I think I can use that tonight.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: So I look in the mirror and are you getting all of them?
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: You want to brush, the ones you want to keep.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Oh, wait a minute.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I really better take that time to brush.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: So there's another observation in the book relative to teeth brushing, which is, if you want to keep a child from getting too predictable in their behavior, have them brush their teeth with, in our case, their left hand, and it makes them think about brushing instead of just mindlessly just kind of going back and forth hoping that they brushed enough of the teeth to satisfy you.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I don't know about you, but we're not always.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: But my daughter oftentimes will want music or something playing and there's a little bit more focus sometimes on you need to turn this on.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: It's like, well, okay, we got to do.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: What are we hearing in the bathroom with the toothbrush, the toothpaste, or let's brush the teeth and then we'll worry about the music or the show?
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know what I said.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: How did you come up with the 101?
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: As far as the number wise, I'm just curious, and I'm sure there's audience members that are wondering okay, why not 102?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Why not 97?
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: Well, there's a deeper message answer and there's a topical answer.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: So I'll give you the topical answer first, which is I think, when you're trying to show value, that you've really thought of something.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Some number around 100, everybody talks about 100 and if you get one extra, you're getting that little extra something, so 101,.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Now the deeper story behind that is that I had, when I collected all these pieces of paper in my pocket and I put them all in a big pile, I only had 40 and I was, in my own mind, tapped out.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: So this is all I got.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: So I said to the energy of the world or the God or whatever, listen, if this book is ever going to become a reality, show me, because I got 40 and I don't think it's enough.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: And over the next several weeks, all of a sudden, like a stream of consciousness, I was observing this and observing that and writing notes and eventually got to 105 notes and cut out four of them that I thought were ones that I wasn't sure I really believed in yet and got to 101.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And so 101.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: It's an easy number to talk about versus 47, and that's how I came to 101.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Now I do have enough content for a second book, which I don't know if I'll ever publish, but it has another 101 in them.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: And the one observation from that book that just keeps coming back to me now that my children are a little older and so these are 101 for a six to a teen is you'll always have on your mind 10 worries about your child, but only two of them matter.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: The rest will work themselves out.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: You just don't know what two of those are.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: That's kind of my overarching message in this book is I'm always concerned about you know, is my son being bullied?
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Is my daughter getting the right education?
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: And when they come home they have their different troubles and challenges.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: There are two of those that I really have to worry about.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: I just don't always know which ones they are.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: They become apparent over time and I look back and say, well, I really shouldn't have worried about that or that or that, and this one was really meaningful and I don't know if I paid enough attention to that.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Little bit touching on that mindset.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I remember golfing and it was on the first tee and it was golfing on people I didn't know were on vacation, so it was once in a lifetime like the golf course and we were just chatting before and we had caddies, which I never had a caddy before.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So I'm trying to get my clubs and they're like no, no, I got it, but the one other golfer he's like I got every shot in the bag.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: I just don't know when it's going to come out.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: So I might need the chip, but I'll hit it way too far as far as I have all these things or these worries, these concerns, but I'm not sure which one of those and I think that can be a challenge.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And I think there's another message for students or really anybody who has been contemplating the project, whether they should apply for a job, whether they should go for education or training or even in a relationship.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: The fact that you said that at the beginning you had 40, 40 or so of these and you kind of put the word out to the world okay, if this is meant to be 40 or so might not cut it.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: So somebody is thinking about a project and has an idea.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe those won't come to fruition, but if that thought process is okay, here's what I have.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: If it's meant to be over a period of time, it's meant to be, and I think that can be helpful to really anybody, whether they're a father or a teenager or a college student.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Completely agree.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Put that out into the.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Put your thought out into the energy of the world.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: The energy of the world is listening and it comes back and maybe it says this wasn't meant for you, but you get the response and then you can do what you will with it.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: So public speaking, speaking in front of a class you're a regular guest on the WAKR radio station, thank you.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: How did that come about?
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: That come about naturally, because I know public speaking is one of the most feared things the individual may come up with.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: They may have all the information in their head when they're standing in front of a camera or in front of people they don't know, or even people they do know.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: How do you work your way through it and how did that come about?
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Is that a natural transition that, as you were going through education and teaching and then now being a guest on podcast TV shows?
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: My beginnings in my professional career were in marketing and PR, so I spent a good number of days with a PR firm out handling crisis management.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Something like hot coffee would spill on a McDonald's patron in LA when I lived.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: I'd have to go out to that restaurant and handle the media.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: So it started then, when I was a lot younger.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: I was in marketing new product development for many years, making presentations to management, to sales force my mission in life, where my reason for being is to take things that are complicated and try to express them in simple terms that people can understand.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: I think that's why I was born my mission in life.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: So from a very early age, at least professionally, I've always been able to stand in front of people and what I have found is that there's two things.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: One is always be yourself, talk from the heart, because people can tell whether you are speaking from the heart or you're just telling them words they want to hear, or you're giving them information you think they want, but maybe it doesn't ring true to you.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: So speak from your heart and be well prepared.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: And in the case of the University of Akron, standing in front of 200 people a day, four classes of 50 apiece, all with varying degrees of interest in the class, capabilities of managing or handling the content of the class and being able to work with each one of them.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: We all have challenges, things we don't know, things we do know, and all need a little bit of somebody to kind of help us guide us through.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: And so, as long as you can tell them honestly and have a command of the material, you can make it through, and so I enjoy this experience with you.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: I always have, during our two interviews the Forum 360, being on the radio talking to the National Honor Society at my alma mater, coddalfall High School, just seeing the energy in people's eyes when I talk to them, that they actually take something, even it's one tiny little thing, but something away from our conversation.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: That's really meaningful to me, excellent.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm going to go over a few quotes from individuals who have read your book just to give a little bit of a taste of the individuals, kind of across the spectrum, that have and will continue to find fatherhood in 60 minutes or less a benefit to check out Hundreds of fathers this is a quote.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Quote hundreds of fathers and father figures have received the book as a Father's Day, grandparents Day or Holiday Gift as they look forward to or back on their days of fatherhood.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Next quote the book has become a popular read.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Out loud and co-ed baby showers, lots of laughs.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: New same sex fathers are using the book to acclimate to fatherhood, and this one's next one's very interesting and I loved it.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: It was included.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Quote a 60 year old father gave it to his 85 year old dad and started a conversation about raising children then and now.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: And I think that has, I say it, transition or translation into what your daughter has and what she's working through and that is publishing a book on on her own.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: So I'm Guessing that she may have, or is asking for feedback along the way Of whether it's bringing the project together, what to do first, what to do second, and then it's the content.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: And so I kind of feel that generation thing.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: So from the, from the quote from the, it's the son to the father and then now with your daughter to to you, kind of passing that torch.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Well, sometimes I I think about my book in terms of if a father parachuted in from Mars Right and had to know like 101 things that are gonna happen to him During during his his experience with fatherhood, this would be the book I give him.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Not, I'm not trying to be too weighty by this, I'm.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: This book is light-hearted and and such, but this is what I would give to someone.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: Say, you want to know what fatherhood is?
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: Is to me to read these and you'll laugh and you'll cry and you'll all of them.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: As far as my daughter was concerned, my daughter has a knack for writing poetry in between, in the ten minutes that she has when she's cleaning up from study hall and getting ready to leave, and and I say to her and have many times that if I live to be a hundred and one years old, I wouldn't be able to write a poem.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: That's that good.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: I'm biased as a father, but that's that good in 60 more years.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: I Think they're just.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: It just comes from her like a mind-spring.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: It just flows out and she and she writes.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: So my, my nudging and encouraging of her was simply keep writing, right, keep writing.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: And a parents job, and I think, someone who edits someone else's books job Is to keep the tone, keep the message, keep the spirit of the book, but guide them with words that kind of round out and maybe round down some corners, but keep the message.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: And so my goal was make sure that the throughput, the energy that that she wants in each poem Comes through and then maybe critique her on a word here and maybe there, and my wife does the same.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: So that was my challenge is not to become kind of a helicopter parent on my daughter's poetry, but let let her kind of write it all.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: And If I told her, if you really want to write a book, you know, don't really come to me, write as many poems as you want to write, get them all done and type them in Microsoft Word.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: That's when I'll know you're serious.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: But until that time you're just an ad hoc poet in 10 minutes between Study Hall and you have to Leave, which is fine, it's just fine to be that kind of poet.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: But if you really want to publish a book, as we know, it's a year-long journey.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: So she did that actually.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: She wrote she had over 50 poems and then she pulled it down to 40-plus poems and then put that all in Microsoft Word and said, alright, dad and mom, here's it.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: So we read it and we made some notes in the margins and that kind of thing.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: But this was all of her work.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: So I'm really proud of her and that book comes out in early January.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, fantastic.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: So for those kind of curious, I wanted to just share as far as what topics get covered and, like Mark mentioned, to cross the board.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: So everything from behavior to health, to memories, to time together and travel and the one there are multiple, but given our time on a hone in on what I really enjoyed and it was all the way at number 98, the best vacation entertainment for children is a swimming pool and with having again having a child, we went on vacation to Disney World and so there's the parks and the hotels and the pools and all that.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: So for all the time, money, really everything that my wife and I were trying to give a positive experience and a relaxing experience, my daughter's favorite thing, hands down, was the swimming pool.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: So I wonder what the story behind that is for you it's not too dissimilar from yours.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: We traveled to a city in Florida.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: We researched that it had these little parks and other activities and museums and on and on.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: And we were really excited about each day a journey out in the morning and then swimming in the afternoon and, as you might already know this conclusion the moment we woke up and finished eating, let's go to the pool.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: We stayed there all day.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: We went out to dinner at night and then came back and watched a movie.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: So my wife and I look at each other and say we could have just been at home and I think the staycation concept kind of plays into this.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: I think you don't really have to go very far and it doesn't have to be that exotic with kids, because they're happy just with the swimming pool at the Motel 6.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: So we laughed, we spent a lot of money and, looking back, we could have just went to the neighbor's pool at night.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: How can people learn more about the book?
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: How can they purchase the website?
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: Some takeaways for our audience.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: Well, as you mentioned at the intro, Fathers101.com is the website for the book.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: The easiest way, as you might imagine, is Amazon.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: If you go to Amazon and type in Fathers101, I'll come up those quotes that you were reading a couple of minutes ago, or all in there, and you can size up the book for yourself and laugh a little bit and again cry a little bit and have a journey with emotions, whether they were in the past, were you raised, or what you're looking forward to in the future.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: As you said, even if you are interested in buying this book for a shower read, having some fun with it there.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: So do we cover everything?
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Do we miss anything that you wanted to share?
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: No, I would say that fatherhood and mental health is a delicate balance, that taking time for yourself even though you want to be with your kids all the time, taking time to have some time for yourself, that even your kids know that's dad's time or that's mom's time is really important.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: To center yourself, to focus and sometimes get some new ideas as to what you're going to do next with your children.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: I have to stay grounded by well, usually it's 10 o'clock at night to 12, but it's at least my time where I'm on my own.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Mental health is still an important part of fatherhood.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing that aspect.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Self-care is important, whatever that looks like to us as individuals or others, that it's important to stay for us, stay creative and help move forward and apposite Mark, thank you so much for joining us today.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: Have you enjoyed the conversation.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: It's been a pleasure.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Thank you for getting in a subconscious way, not knowing, getting our voices of voices TV show podcast into the studio and able to share it with more people.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: I'm delighted that you're in the studio and I think your mission is just awesome.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: I wish you well.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: Great.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: You're welcome.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us, for watching, for listening.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: This has been another episode of the Voices for Voices TV Show and Podcast.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I am Justin Alne Hayes, founder and executive director of Voices for Voices.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: Please like, share, subscribe this episode and we'll see you next time.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Be a voice for you or somebody in need.