Latest / Dear Chelsea / Minisode: Lap Time with Chelsea + Catherine

Transcript

Minisode: Lap Time with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: I just announced all my tour dates. It's called the
0:02
Speaker 1: High and Mighty Tour. I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,
0:12
Speaker 1: and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,
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Speaker 1: of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,
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Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,
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Speaker 1: North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modeesto, California, and
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Speaker 1: port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.
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Speaker 1: I will be touring from February through June, so go
0:52
Speaker 1: get your tickets now. If you want to come see
0:54
Speaker 1: me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty Tour.
0:57
Speaker 2: Hi Catherine, Hi, Chelsea h a whistler.
1:02
Speaker 1: There is whistling, whistling with snow and rain. It started
1:04
Speaker 1: raining again. The temperatures dropped, but it's snowing at the top.
1:08
Speaker 1: My friends just went skiing I have a bunch of
1:09
Speaker 1: boys at my house, eighteen year old boys. There's a
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Speaker 1: little youth hostel thing, and one of them just got
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Speaker 1: into a bad ski He went to the er from
1:18
Speaker 1: so hopefully his parents will deal with that.
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Speaker 2: I don't know that I'm brave enough for skiing like skiing,
1:25
Speaker 2: I don't think so.
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Speaker 3: I think if you haven't tried it yet, don't try it.
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Speaker 2: My knees are not for it. It's always a little
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Speaker 2: scary time.
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Speaker 3: I will say I had the best ski day of
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Speaker 3: my life the other day.
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Speaker 1: So it was so much powder and I was just
1:35
Speaker 1: I was being able to ski the powder.
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Speaker 3: It was so fun and I just I love it.
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Speaker 3: I love my life here.
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Speaker 2: That's amazing. Now do you you drop in right?
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Speaker 3: Drop in?
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Speaker 2: Not from the helicopter?
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Speaker 1: No, no, I don't drop in. I'm not dropping in
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Speaker 1: like that. I'm not going down cliffs and off of
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Speaker 1: like no cornices. That's not what I'm doing. I'm skiing well,
1:55
Speaker 1: but I'm not dropping in. That's what Jack is probably doing.
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Speaker 1: The kid that just got hurt, he was dropping in. Okay,
2:00
Speaker 1: all right, yeah, No, I'm not at that level and
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Speaker 1: I never will be.
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Speaker 3: Okay, I'm skiing on resort.
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Speaker 2: Okay, let's keep you safe. Let's just keep you safe.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we want to keep me safe. Yes.
2:10
Speaker 2: Well, I have an update from a caller who called
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Speaker 2: in two years ago. This is a real throwback.
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Speaker 1: I know, how many years have we been on the
2:20
Speaker 1: air or whatever, It's like five five years.
2:23
Speaker 2: We've been doing this podcast since twenty twenty one, so
2:26
Speaker 2: we're going on five Wow.
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Speaker 3: Okay, good.
2:29
Speaker 2: So Sammy wrote in on our Esther Parrel episode two
2:34
Speaker 2: years ago, and of course we love a long term update,
2:37
Speaker 2: so this is great. She was living with her sister
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Speaker 2: and brother in law who had a polyamorous situation with
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Speaker 2: a living nanny, and she was like worried about the kids.
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Speaker 2: So this is what she has to say. Dear Chelsea,
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Speaker 2: I'm writing to follow up about a discussion we had
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Speaker 2: regarding my polygamous sister and her life choices.
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Speaker 3: I do love it.
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Speaker 2: She says polygamus instead of polyamorous. Many things have changed,
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Speaker 2: so buckle up. I finally moved out and moved into
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Speaker 2: a studio apartment less than a mile from the beach,
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Speaker 2: and it's a perfect place for meditation, smoking weed, and
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Speaker 2: no children. I love my sister's kids. But as their teens,
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Speaker 2: I prefer to enjoy them at a distance. My sister
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Speaker 2: and brother in law ended up getting divorced after much
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Speaker 2: consideration regarding the polygamy situation. It turns out my brother
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Speaker 2: in law didn't know he was going to be excluded
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Speaker 2: from the other party's relationship. He moved out and is
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Speaker 2: now dating someone else. That's a whole different canniforms. My
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Speaker 2: sister and her girlfriend, on the other hand, are still together.
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Speaker 2: Though my sister's girlfriend and I don't always see eye
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Speaker 2: to eye, I do appreciate how much she has stood
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Speaker 2: up since my sister got divorced. She works full time
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Speaker 2: now and is quite the parent to the kids, and
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Speaker 2: though they also go head to head every once in
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Speaker 2: a while, they truly love her and appreciate the parental figure.
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Speaker 2: My sister and I are still working on our relationship
3:48
Speaker 2: as both friends and sisters, as it took a hard
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Speaker 2: hit during the past few years. I wanted to thank
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Speaker 2: you ladies for talking some sense into me and making
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Speaker 2: me realize that other people's problems are not my own
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Speaker 2: and I don't need to take them on. Keep doing
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Speaker 2: what you're doing. Love always, Sammy PS. My sister found
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Speaker 2: the podcast and lost her shit when she heard it
4:06
Speaker 2: was about her.
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Speaker 3: She got over it. Welcome to my life.
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Speaker 1: I constantly I constantly do interviews where I talk about
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Speaker 1: your boyfriends or family members and then just think I
4:16
Speaker 1: won't get back to them, and even it doesn't matter
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Speaker 1: how many years of proof I have that it will.
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Speaker 3: Yeah. I like when people hear the podcast and then
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Speaker 3: it's about them. Yeah, they're like, wait, what the fuck?
4:25
Speaker 3: Wait a minute, wait a.
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Speaker 2: Second, or it's like people will write in they're like,
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Speaker 2: I didn't think you were going to pick my question.
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Speaker 3: I'm like, well, it's also that's like it is.
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Speaker 1: I mean, there really is no tru or sentiment other
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Speaker 1: people's problems are not your own, Like we should all
4:38
Speaker 1: be telling her. That should be something we wake up
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Speaker 1: and say to ourselves every single day because we can.
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Speaker 1: There are personality types that definitely get involved in other
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Speaker 1: people's problems. I have one of those personality types, and
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Speaker 1: it takes a long time to realize that A let
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Speaker 1: people do their thing. Like you can't control the outcome
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Speaker 1: of other people's lives. You can't even control the outcome
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Speaker 1: of your own life, so like or be too attached
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Speaker 1: to the outcome.
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Speaker 3: You know what I mean, Like, you have to be
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Speaker 3: a little bit movable.
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Speaker 1: You can't be so intransigent that you can't change and
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Speaker 1: pivot when you need to. And also to like let
5:08
Speaker 1: other people do their thing, and if you don't like it,
5:11
Speaker 1: then don't be around it.
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Speaker 3: Right.
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Speaker 2: It is a thing about boundaries where like you can't
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Speaker 2: actually set a boundary with someone else, you can only
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Speaker 2: change your own behavior, Like the boundary has to pertain
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Speaker 2: to you essentially. All right, Well, our callers today, we've
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Speaker 2: got a couples counseling with Chelsea, Question It, Love It,
5:34
Speaker 2: and Elizabeth and Danny are calling in. So Elizabeth is
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Speaker 2: the one writing in, and she says, Dear Chelsea, I've
5:42
Speaker 2: been a fan of yours for years and have learned
5:44
Speaker 2: so much from your work. I'm forty four, a mom
5:46
Speaker 2: of three teenagers, and I attribute a lot of my
5:49
Speaker 2: growth to you. Last year, I left a toxic relationship
5:52
Speaker 2: that brought me to the lowest point of my life.
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Speaker 2: The red flags were always there. I made excuses, He
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Speaker 2: made excuses until I no longer recognize myself. I learned
6:00
Speaker 2: that he wasn't who he claimed to be. Still married,
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Speaker 2: unemployed with no plan to work, manipulative. He tried to
6:06
Speaker 2: pull me and my kids down with him. I'm usually
6:09
Speaker 2: the most positive person in the room, but for a
6:10
Speaker 2: while I was completely drained. Your books and podcasts helped
6:14
Speaker 2: me immensely and led me to letting Go, which was
6:16
Speaker 2: truly life changing. I realized I had been attracting people
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Speaker 2: who need constant attention, and I was pouring from an
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Speaker 2: empty cup, giving and giving without receiving. I worked on
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Speaker 2: my energy, learned to love myself, and for the first time,
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Speaker 2: I felt genuinely content being alone. Because I'm a romantic
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Speaker 2: at heart, and because I took your advice seriously, I
6:34
Speaker 2: wrote down everything I wanted in a partner and then
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Speaker 2: let it go. I promised myself I wouldn't settle. Not
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Speaker 2: even two weeks later, I met a man at a
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Speaker 2: bar who is everything on that list and more. His
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Speaker 2: name is Danny. He sat on the stool next to
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Speaker 2: me with a self help book I had letting Go.
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Speaker 2: From the start, He's been the opposite of every relationship
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Speaker 2: I've known. Patient, kind to everyone, smart, a little nerdy, funny,
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Speaker 2: and steady. He treats me like a queen and has
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Speaker 2: never given me a reason to question his character. Or
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Speaker 2: his feelings. The chemistry is incredible and we're intentional about
7:04
Speaker 2: staying connected. We've been together six months, solely introducing our children.
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Speaker 2: He has two adult daughters. We laugh constantly and have
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Speaker 2: fun doing anything. It feels magical and I can't imagine
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Speaker 2: my life without him. I'm writing for two reasons. First
7:17
Speaker 2: to say thank you the universe aligned because of the
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Speaker 2: tools you gave me, and you've helped Danny too. He's
7:22
Speaker 2: read Letting Go and we recommend it to everyone. We
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Speaker 2: often listen to your podcasts together. Second, we'd love your advice.
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Speaker 2: We know we're in a honeymoon phase, but we both
7:30
Speaker 2: want to protect what we're building beyond what we're already doing.
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Speaker 2: Honest communication, daily connection, mutual respect. What tools or practices
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Speaker 2: do you recommend to keep a relationship healthy and full
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Speaker 2: of passion over the long haul?
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Speaker 1: Elizabeth, Hi, guys, that's such a beautiful letter. I'm so
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Speaker 1: happy for you too. Look at you two little love
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Speaker 1: birds sitting on the couch together like that, probably inside
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Speaker 1: each other. I what if I listen? I would first
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Speaker 1: of all, enjoy yourself, enjoy the time, and make sure
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Speaker 1: you're making like I just feel like when we're happy
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Speaker 1: and things are going well. We need to remind ourselves
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Speaker 1: that we're in a great flow state. And like, you know,
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Speaker 1: I think writing things to each other is really powerful,
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Speaker 1: Like even if it's you know, I don't know, putting
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Speaker 1: something into practice that is only between the two of you,
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Speaker 1: Like thinking of something to say to each other every day,
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Speaker 1: or something that you love about each other every day
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Speaker 1: is really sweet. Even writing that to each other at
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Speaker 1: the end of the day, even if you're together in
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Speaker 1: the room, but being like, oh, let's do our thing
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Speaker 1: that we like want to tell each other that we
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Speaker 1: appreciate about the other person, or something that turns us
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Speaker 1: on about the other person. I think like forming rituals
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Speaker 1: with each other that are new that you've never done
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Speaker 1: with anyone else makes something feel even more special and
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Speaker 1: makes you.
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Speaker 3: Really appreciate it.
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Speaker 1: Because yes, the honeymoon period, you guys, are you guys
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Speaker 1: living together now?
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Speaker 4: When my kids aren't here, we usually are check up
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Speaker 4: staying together.
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Speaker 3: But and he stayed over a couple of times.
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Speaker 1: When you guys aren't having premarital sex, are you that's illegal, okay,
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Speaker 1: so just stop doing that right away. But you're not
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Speaker 1: living together, that's a good thing. I think, listen, it's
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Speaker 1: really good to miss each other, so don't ever be
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Speaker 1: scared about that. Don't be scared about separations. A couple
9:11
Speaker 1: of days apart is always kind of a good thing
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Speaker 1: to keep you missing each other. I feel like sometimes
9:15
Speaker 1: like I want the other person to go before I
9:18
Speaker 1: want them to go, you know what I mean. And
9:19
Speaker 1: when you really like someone, you kind of never want
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Speaker 1: them to go. So I think that's a mistake that
9:24
Speaker 1: we could sometimes make. We want We're like, oh, we
9:26
Speaker 1: want to spend you know, and yes you do. But
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Speaker 1: there is an art to being a part to like
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Speaker 1: missing each other for a couple of days here and there,
9:34
Speaker 1: a couple that's nice. It's nice to miss someone and
9:37
Speaker 1: then have them return. So like, just don't forget about
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Speaker 1: that and think of something that you guys can do
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Speaker 1: that's like, can you think of anything off the top
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Speaker 1: of your head that would be like a romantic gesture
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Speaker 1: that you guys kind of do each day to each other,
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Speaker 1: like writing something to each other, or.
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Speaker 2: Or is there a lap time situation that is still happening.
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Speaker 2: Tell us about that.
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Speaker 5: We just enjoy at the end of the day just
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Speaker 5: having time where Seda she sits on my lap. We
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Speaker 5: look at each other, We talk to each other about
10:02
Speaker 5: our days and really just try to just be connected
10:06
Speaker 5: and listen to each other and hear each other about
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Speaker 5: how their day was, because every day is different. Yeah,
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Speaker 5: we wants to communicate like that communication is really important.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's well. That sounds like you guys already
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Speaker 1: have your ritual. I don't know if it should be
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Speaker 1: called lap time. It sounds like that's a little like
10:20
Speaker 1: Santa Claus adjacent, but whatever, you know, like do your thing,
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Speaker 1: And I think that's sweet.
10:25
Speaker 3: Yeah.
10:25
Speaker 1: I mean connecting and community and connecting and communication are key,
10:30
Speaker 1: and it's like it's very nice to be intimate with
10:32
Speaker 1: someone you know, to have like your little shorthand, and
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Speaker 1: to spend that time like really getting to know each
10:38
Speaker 1: other and really being respectful of the other person. But
10:41
Speaker 1: you know, don't be afraid of breaks, don't be afraid
10:43
Speaker 1: of missing each other. I think that enhances things and
10:45
Speaker 1: I think it prolongs that honeymoon phase. So that's the
10:48
Speaker 1: only advice I would give you, guys, I would say
10:50
Speaker 1: other than that, way to go.
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Speaker 3: I'm glad you're in your good phase now.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and you got rid of the old shit and
10:56
Speaker 1: now you're ready for some good shit.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. The only thing I would add to that is,
11:00
Speaker 2: you know when things do come up, because eventually they will,
11:03
Speaker 2: whether they're small or large, things you disagree about, things
11:05
Speaker 2: you're having trouble with, or just not connecting on. I
11:09
Speaker 2: would say, if something's come up three or more times
11:12
Speaker 2: and you're just like not connecting on it or you're
11:14
Speaker 2: disagreeing about it, go like talk to a therapist together.
11:19
Speaker 2: I think couples counseling is like not just when things
11:22
Speaker 2: are going bad, but it's it's also just like maybe
11:24
Speaker 2: we're not connecting on this, maybe we disagree about this,
11:26
Speaker 2: and we just like need a third party to help
11:28
Speaker 2: us navigate it. It doesn't have to be like end
11:31
Speaker 2: of the world. So definitely utilize that when and if
11:34
Speaker 2: it's necessary.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and preemptive therapy is always good too, you know,
11:39
Speaker 1: just so you're all on the same page, like, you know,
11:41
Speaker 1: maybe you won't have any fucking problems.
11:43
Speaker 3: Who knows.
11:44
Speaker 1: I mean, the way things are going for women, it
11:45
Speaker 1: feels like, I mean, listen, there's a lot of bad
11:47
Speaker 1: things happening for women, but this we've had a series
11:50
Speaker 1: of calls and people calling in kind of similar stories
11:53
Speaker 1: to yours, like they just found their person after so
11:56
Speaker 1: many bad relationships. Like this is a recurring theme, and
12:00
Speaker 1: so in many ways it feels to me like women
12:02
Speaker 1: are kind of like learning the lesson of the like
12:05
Speaker 1: the last time, Like you don't have to.
12:06
Speaker 3: Keep repeating bad relationships.
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Speaker 1: You can kind of figure it out after the first
12:10
Speaker 1: bad one and be like, Okay, I'm not doing that again.
12:13
Speaker 1: And you know, and when you change the standards of
12:16
Speaker 1: what you accept, then that changes who comes into your life.
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Speaker 4: Absolutely absolutely on one thing we do, it's not couples counseling,
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Speaker 4: but we do constellations and that has been really good
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Speaker 4: for us for sure.
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Speaker 3: What does that mean.
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Speaker 5: It's like you represent a person that's having the therapy,
12:36
Speaker 5: where the energy field kind of flows through that person
12:39
Speaker 5: and kind of gives you a feeling about what you
12:42
Speaker 5: think is going on, and many times you don't know.
12:44
Speaker 5: It's a group thing where you're helping other people that
12:48
Speaker 5: you represent, you representing their family members, and it's kind
12:51
Speaker 5: of like a family therapy type.
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Speaker 3: Oh wow, you just have a feeling.
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Speaker 5: You have a feeling, and then the therapist tries to
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Speaker 5: interpret what that feeling for the individual with the therapy,
13:01
Speaker 5: So you don't really have any idea what's going on.
13:03
Speaker 5: You're just telling them how you feel in the moment physically, and.
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Speaker 1: It's all based off of a feeling that you're not
13:07
Speaker 1: even talking about.
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Speaker 5: Yes, it's basically just in the moment, how do you feel?
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Speaker 5: Are you feeling or interpreting something in your body that
13:15
Speaker 5: maybe someone in their life has influenced you through this
13:20
Speaker 5: energy field?
13:21
Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, I understand what you're saying.
13:23
Speaker 5: Okay, Yeah, it's very it's very interesting, but it's helped
13:26
Speaker 5: a lot of people out.
13:27
Speaker 3: And yeah, that sounds nice. I like that.
13:29
Speaker 4: There's an episode Gwyneth Paltrow Sex Love and Goop on Netflix.
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Speaker 5: What episode is episode number five or something?
13:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, where she like explores it. It's very interesting.
13:39
Speaker 5: The therapist told me to watch that to get the
13:41
Speaker 5: best explanation. But it was good.
13:44
Speaker 3: Thank God for Goop and thank god for thank God.
13:48
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, well enjoy each other, Happy, Happy New Year.
13:52
Speaker 5: We're going to see you in April.
13:54
Speaker 1: Fun which show are you coming to? Okay, well, I'll
13:57
Speaker 1: see you there.
13:59
Speaker 3: I love it.
14:01
Speaker 5: Yeah.
14:01
Speaker 3: Bye, Well that was very sweet. Yeah that was sweet. Nice.
14:05
Speaker 3: Happy couples, Happy couples. Keeping families and couples together.
14:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you think the reason that we're seeing the
14:12
Speaker 2: sort of influx of women who are actually in happy
14:14
Speaker 2: relationships is just because they're not going to put up
14:16
Speaker 2: with less like women putting up with less bullshit?
14:18
Speaker 3: I like that, you know that makes me happy.
14:21
Speaker 1: Younger girls are like that too, Like all these young
14:23
Speaker 1: girls are like, I don't want a boyfriend.
14:24
Speaker 3: I don't want to.
14:24
Speaker 1: My friend's daughters are like, we don't want boyfriends. I mean,
14:27
Speaker 1: you know, some of them have them, but some of
14:29
Speaker 1: them don't. Like I think it, really. I also think
14:31
Speaker 1: when you grow up in a really loving household, you
14:34
Speaker 1: don't feel the need to have to pair up. I
14:38
Speaker 1: feel like that need to pair up sometimes is derived
14:41
Speaker 1: from a lack of love in your own household. I mean,
14:44
Speaker 1: I'm not saying anything that's you know, that original obviously,
14:48
Speaker 1: but you know, the desire always to partnership and like
14:52
Speaker 1: that usually comes from feeling like not seen.
14:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, like you're not enough without a second person, and.
14:57
Speaker 1: You're, yeah, like you need to and you don't need
14:59
Speaker 1: you need in an addition, not a subtraction.
15:01
Speaker 2: Yeah for sure. All right, Well there we go for
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Speaker 2: I Minisa for today okay great.
15:06
Speaker 1: I just announced all my tour dates. It's called the
15:08
Speaker 1: High and Mighty Tour. I will be touring from February
15:13
Speaker 1: through June, so.
15:14
Speaker 3: Go get your tickets now.
15:15
Speaker 1: If you want to come see me perform, I will
15:17
Speaker 1: be on the High and Mighty Tour.
15:20
Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
15:22
Speaker 2: Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
15:26
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.
15:30
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
15:34
Speaker 2: producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our
15:36
Speaker 2: merch at Chelseahandler dot com