Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Dealing with Anger - Theirs and Mine | Ep. 51

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Dealing with Anger - Theirs and Mine | Ep. 51 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:17
  Cheryl: Well here we are, Christie.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: We don't have today, but we have Ellen back.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: Yeah, I'm
• 1:21
  Ellen: back.
• 1:21
  Ellen: I know.
• 1:22
  Ellen: I'm so glad you're back, Ellen.
• 1:23
  Ellen: Thank you.
• 1:24
  Ellen: You're glad you're back a little bit.
• 1:26
  Ellen: You know, we were laying on the beach in Florida, Uhhuh, so in a beautiful home that my daughter rented for us.
• 1:32
  Ellen: I went with my daughter and her hubby and two kids for a week, and we just had nothing but fun.
• 1:38
  Ellen: It was, oh, everything was perfect.
• 1:40
  Ellen: We only had one day where there were jellyfish, so we got to.
• 1:44
  Ellen: The place where we were staying, the, um, they had three pools.
• 1:48
  Ellen: Oh.
• 1:48
  Ellen: So we, you know, suffered and had to go in the swimming pool.
• 1:52
  Ellen: And then of course, all the fun of being with my, two of my younger grandchildren, and my daughter and her husband, and everybody gets along really well.
• 1:59
  Ellen: So it was a lot of fun.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: I'm so glad.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: It sounds refreshing.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Yes it was.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: So we are refreshed, just thinking out about, Yes.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: I wish I could
• 2:08
  Ellen: have brought some sand or sunshine back to you,
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Oh, Ellen, I mean, what a week you had.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: however I feel such compassion for all the loss from end.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Right?
• 2:18
  Cheryl: It's
• 2:19
  Ellen: terrible.
• 2:19
  Ellen: Yeah, it is.
• 2:21
  Ellen: It's really sad.
• 2:22
  Ellen: I have, um, a stepsister that lives in Florida and I gave her a call and their phones were working and everything, but she hadn't even.
• 2:30
  Ellen: Been out of her home enough yet to, to know what everything looked like, so, Oh, it's just devastating.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:37
  Ellen: It's unimaginable.
• 2:38
  Ellen: So yeah, these hurricanes,
• 2:40
  Cheryl: boy, it's really been, it's what, the fourth or fifth strongest hurricane they'd know of.
• 2:45
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:45
  Ellen: That's just, Yeah.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: Not a vacation for the
• 2:49
  Ellen: mm-hmm.
• 2:50
  Ellen: mm-hmm.
• 2:51
  Christie: I'll tell you, I'm really excited about what we're doing Friday.
• 2:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:56
  Christie: Tell our listeners about it.
• 2:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:57
  Christie: So this week we'll be recording, um, with Dr.
• 3:01
  Christie: Stevens and the four of us.
• 3:03
  Christie: Yes, the recording
• 3:05
  Cheryl: quartet's, it looks exciting and.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: Some of y'all don't know him real well, so you've just communicated through the podcast.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: And so now we actually get to get together and he has wanted to do this all along.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: He's saying, Can I get together through the quartet?
• 3:19
  Cheryl: And we can talk.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: So, no, that's gonna be great.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: It'll be really fun.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: And I said, Kelly, You choose a topic.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: What do you wanna talk about?
• 3:26
  Cheryl: And he said, Let's talk about.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Respond, not react.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Right
• 3:32
  Ellen: One.
• 3:32
  Ellen: That's good.
• 3:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:33
  Ellen: That's a good life tool, period.
• 3:35
  Ellen: It's so true.
• 3:36
  Ellen: Everything.
• 3:37
  Ellen: Relationships, right?
• 3:38
  Ellen: Not just family.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: And it's a great segue to what we're gonna talk about today.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: I still have a question that we hadn't gotten to from a parent.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: So we've been talking particularly some lately about teens and adolescents and our older kids but actually, parents what we're gonna say applies to all ages.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: because we talk about anger.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: and our high emotions.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:07
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:07
  Christie: Well, and I think it's important too to say that, you know, if your kids are.
• 4:11
  Christie: Are younger, there's building blocks.
• 4:14
  Christie: You can start giving them vocabulary for their emotions and helping them understand when I get angry, I can take a breath before I, you know, throw the toy.
• 4:24
  Christie: And so helping them to start regulate their emotions now and.
• 4:28
  Christie: We're not saying that's going to prevent all emotional outbursts in the teen years, but it does give them some tools when they, And that isn't
• 4:34
  Ellen: the, that isn't the purpose.
• 4:36
  Ellen: Anger's just an emotion.
• 4:38
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:38
  Ellen: As much as love and happiness and everything that is just interwoven in who we are, we just don't want our anger to be destructive, but we have to have ways to express our anger.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: And so what do you mean anger?
• 4:53
  Cheryl: So let's jump in this, It's a great question that a parent sent me, and I want to hear what y'all have to say.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: How do I deal with outburst of anger from my teen and how do I help them deal with it?
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Mm,
• 5:08
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:08
  Ellen: You know, how to deal with anger.
• 5:10
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:11
  Ellen: and how to deal with angry people.
• 5:12
  Ellen: Yes.
• 5:13
  Ellen: Cause that's life, right?
• 5:14
  Ellen: No matter where
• 5:15
  Christie: you go.
• 5:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:16
  Christie: Conflict is typically going to involve Some anger and Yes.
• 5:20
  Christie: Some capacity.
• 5:21
  Christie: I'll tell you, I, um, knew we were talking about this topic today coming in, and I, I was kind of dreading the conversation in some ways.
• 5:30
  Christie: Well, it, anger has been a problem for me when the kids were younger, I really struggled with keeping my own anger Yeah.
• 5:39
  Christie: In check.
• 5:39
  Christie: Me too.
• 5:40
  Christie: And so just, you know, it's, it's good.
• 5:43
  Christie: To think on this and, and realize how over the years I've grown and found some techniques to cope a little better.
• 5:50
  Christie: But, um, it's, you know, one of those things where you look back and you're like, Oh, I would've done a million things differently.
• 5:55
  Christie: Yeah, yeah,
• 5:56
  Ellen: yeah.
• 5:57
  Ellen: Well, and I know for me, I came from a very angry family of origin.
• 6:02
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 6:02
  Ellen: Everybody was angry all the time.
• 6:06
  Ellen: and that was actually the only emotion you were allowed.
• 6:09
  Ellen: Wow.
• 6:09
  Ellen: You know, that was kind of a legitimate emotion that the whole family accepted, so.
• 6:15
  Ellen: Oh, I see.
• 6:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Ellen: And so, um, you know, if you cried, people get mad at you, so, but if you got angry it was okay.
• 6:23
  Ellen: Wow.
• 6:23
  Ellen: I mean, there's lots of reasons that I won't psychoanalyze my whole family of origin.
• 6:28
  Ellen: That's another emphasis.
• 6:28
  Ellen: Yes, exactly.
• 6:30
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 6:31
  Ellen: So, Coming from that environment.
• 6:34
  Ellen: That's how I thought you dealt with conflict.
• 6:36
  Ellen: Oh.
• 6:37
  Ellen: Even though people who didn't know me super well always said, Oh, I've never seen you angry or upset.
• 6:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:44
  Ellen: Because I'm, I don't get upset over petty things, but if I'm in a close relationship like marriage mm-hmm.
• 6:50
  Ellen: and children, I would show my anger.
• 6:53
  Christie: Well that makes sense.
• 6:53
  Christie: If it was the only tool you were allowed Yeah.
• 6:55
  Christie: For so long.
• 6:56
  Christie: Right.
• 6:56
  Christie: That they would be the only tool you would know to grab for.
• 6:59
  Christie: Right.
• 6:59
  Christie: When the time.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: And it's so interesting because in the longevity of our relationship, you mentioned marriage, you would say, you know, Oh well Mike and I are mad at each other and we haven't talked to each other for two days, And I just was dumbfounded because my situation was different.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: So y'all are saying you struggled in the expressing anger and being angry.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: I was the opposite.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: I wanted to avoid it.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Because just naturally, that's not my, Your temperament.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Temperament to do that.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: I just, um, wanted to avoid it.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: And it's very interesting because you're talking about family of origin.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: There wasn't a lot of anger in our family except in one area.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: And so, um, Not psychoanalyzing again, but not dealing with things.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: until it built up.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: And then particularly my dad exploding, particularly focused on one child or something like that.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: So to me, I wasn't naturally angry, but also That's how, um, conflict was dealt with.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:09
  Cheryl: The only conflict resolution I saw was anger.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: And I hate that.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: Right?
• 8:14
  Cheryl: So y'all are talking about, ugh, controlling your anger.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: I ran from it.
• 8:20
  Cheryl: And so Well, that's how you controlled it, right?
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Controlled it.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: Run.
• 8:24
  Cheryl: So
• 8:25
  Ellen: wasn't healthy.
• 8:26
  Christie: No.
• 8:26
  Christie: Now, so, so we're, we're here to talk today about finding that healthy balance Yes.
• 8:33
  Christie: Of finding a healthy way to approach and deal with it, because it is a real emotion, but Yes, like you're saying, it being stuffed down and then brought up maybe for the wrong reason, or to the.
• 8:45
  Christie: Right place.
• 8:46
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:46
  Christie: Isn't a, isn't a good virtue either
• 8:49
  Ellen: because anger is a normal expression in life.
• 8:51
  Ellen: It sure is.
• 8:52
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:52
  Ellen: everyone's going to feel angry.
• 8:54
  Ellen: And it's what you do with the anger.
• 8:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:56
  Ellen: And that's where most of us don't know what to do.
• 8:59
  Ellen: When we're angry, we either withdraw or we explode.
• 9:02
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:02
  Ellen: And neither of those are healthy.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: You're exactly right.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: Okay, so if you've had a teen We know there's a lot of tumultuous responses Yeah.
• 9:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:11
  Cheryl: So why?
• 9:14
  Cheryl: Different a lot of times with teens it's that anger sort of comes from a part of a brain called the amygdala.
• 9:22
  Cheryl: And the amygdala is all emotion.
• 9:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: there's no processing, there's no logic to it.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: It's just emotion.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: And the fun of our brains is the control center that has logic and making decisions.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: And figuring things out.
• 9:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: And so the problem is with teens is that control center is just developing in them, but that basically, They live a lot out of that amygdala.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: So that's why you get all the emotions.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: Gosh, that
• 9:56
  Christie: makes so much sense.
• 9:58
  Christie: It does.
• 9:58
  Christie: When you look at the life of a team.
• 10:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:01
  Ellen: It's like the wires haven't gone back to the logical part of their brain yet and got hooked up.
• 10:05
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:05
  Ellen: Cause it's just
• 10:06
  Christie: all emotion.
• 10:07
  Christie: Right.
• 10:07
  Christie: Well, and that amygdala is the fight or flight.
• 10:10
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:10
  Christie: So you're going to be explosive and responsive to, or reactive, I guess is a better word.
• 10:16
  Christie: Right.
• 10:18
  Christie: To everything.
• 10:19
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:19
  Christie: Which is what?
• 10:20
  Christie: Or bad, bad.
• 10:20
  Ellen: it doesn't even have to be relationships.
• 10:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:22
  Ellen: it could just be anything
• 10:24
  Cheryl: right.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: And they say this, the pfc, the logic part is just developing and we've talked about hats non-linear and they can be mm-hmm.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: really mature and thoughtful in one area, and then immature
• 10:36
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:37
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: Because that center is developing.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: But this amygdala hijacks them all.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: the time.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:45
  Cheryl: And so how about you all?
• 10:47
  Cheryl: When that amygdala hijacked, particularly your teens, your children, how well did you do in responding to that?
• 10:55
  Cheryl: Oh
• 10:55
  Christie: my, Well, I know for me, I, um, My anger.
• 11:00
  Christie: You were talking about how we respond and our anger often was screaming or raising my voice.
• 11:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:07
  Christie: and just getting frustrated easily.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Mm,
• 11:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Christie: And I, I remember It's funny now, but I mean in the moment I was like, ugh.
• 11:15
  Christie: But uh, this time I may have told it here before, but it just stands out to me so much.
• 11:20
  Christie: I had my four girls, the newborns sleeping At this point they're.
• 11:25
  Christie: Eight down to newborn.
• 11:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 11:26
  Christie: So I've got the two older ones running around screaming, the toddlers needing a bath.
• 11:31
  Christie: I think she was sick or something, so I'm running the bath water.
• 11:34
  Christie: Well, the baby's asleep on the other side of that wall that the chairs, you know, with the bathtub.
• 11:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:40
  Christie: And the olders are running and screaming, being just crazy.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: oh, Mm-hmm
• 11:44
  Christie: And I.
• 11:45
  Christie: Sit there, and I'm so frustrated and I start screaming, Stop screaming.
• 11:50
  Christie: You're going to wake the baby.
• 11:54
  Christie: And then next thing I hear is that baby waking up.
• 11:58
  Christie: And it was just like, I ended up waking up the baby by screaming and just this thought of how counterproductive my anger was.
• 12:06
  Christie: Wow.
• 12:07
  Christie: In these moments.
• 12:08
  Christie: And so, yeah.
• 12:09
  Christie: Not always very well is the answer to your question, Cheryl And we're not always as
• 12:14
  Ellen: mature as we like to think we are.
• 12:16
  Ellen: Oh gosh.
• 12:16
  Ellen: Never.
• 12:16
  Ellen: And we forget that we're still growing up too.
• 12:19
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:20
  Ellen: You know, we'd like to say, well, we came into marriage mature and we came into parenthood mature.
• 12:24
  Ellen: But you find out really quickly once you have children, how undeveloped you are.
• 12:29
  Ellen: Yes.
• 12:29
  Ellen: In certain
• 12:30
  Christie: areas.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: Cause you know what Ellen's talking about?
• 12:34
  Cheryl: The problem is I thought I was mature.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: right?
• 12:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:38
  Cheryl: And it took maturity to make me realize quite how immature
• 12:42
  Christie: I was.
• 12:42
  Christie: Well, yeah.
• 12:42
  Christie: Hindsight is always the only concern.
• 12:45
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:46
  Christie: And so you know, I'm thinking how long does that take for the brain development coming out of those teen years?
• 12:51
  Cheryl: Oh, the control center.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: Uhhuh?
• 12:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:52
  Cheryl: Uh, they say if it's gonna develop It's 25.
• 12:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:56
  Christie: 25.
• 12:57
  Christie: You guys, I.
• 12:58
  Christie: Three of my four children by the time I was 25.
• 13:00
  Christie: Wow.
• 13:00
  Christie: Yeah, me too.
• 13:01
  Christie: Oh my y'all.
• 13:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:02
  Christie: you talk about thinking you're more mature than you are, right?
• 13:05
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:06
  Christie: I wasn't, My brain wasn't even fully developed in here.
• 13:08
  Christie: I'm caring for children
• 13:12
  Cheryl: you know?
• 13:12
  Cheryl: So are we agree then if we're trying to help this parent and all of us.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: How to help our children in anger.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: We have to first get ourselves under control.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:23
  Christie: Oh, definitely.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: And it's, uh, again, somebody, a psychologist or a counselor, and I heard them a long time ago and I thought it was really good.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: Because they said try to get back and figure the source of anger For example, um, I'm going the PT tomorrow actually because I started feeling some feelings in my upper arm, muscle.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: when I was doing some weights, Right.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: So I asked my doctor and I said, Well, it's not hurting, but I'm feeling it down here in.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: my arm.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: And he said, Well, that's your shoulder.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: So he helped me see the source.
• 13:58
  Cheryl: So I'm going to a PT to help me work to strengthen my shoulder because even though I felt it down my arm, it's actually a shoulder.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Interesting.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: So the psychologist was explaining, saying, actually, if you look at anger, they're pretty much for sources sometimes you can say, Well, I was in a.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: Meaning you're angry.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: Yeah So let's use the acronym Huff.
• 14:23
  Cheryl: to Help to remember, Okay.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: And so, uh, she suggested that the source of our anger, even if we don't realize it, and that's what we wanna do, is try to realize what it cognize it.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: It's hurt injustice.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: But that doesn't work.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: So it unjust.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: So hurt, injustice, fear and failure.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: And I thought, that's really good.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: What do you all to do?
• 14:46
  Cheryl: But those four
• 14:46
  Christie: sources, those resonate with me for sure.
• 14:48
  Christie: Right.
• 14:48
  Ellen: I think those are just so common to humanity.
• 14:51
  Ellen: Everyone can relate to.
• 14:52
  Ellen: Those are the things you don't want in your life.
• 14:54
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:55
  Ellen: You don't wanna feel like the failure.
• 14:56
  Ellen: You don't want hurt.
• 14:58
  Christie: Well, and I would say most of the time that I got angry with my kids's behavior.
• 15:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Christie: Was feeling.
• 15:04
  Christie: Fear of failure.
• 15:06
  Christie: You know, I'm presented with these kids that aren't doing what I think they should be doing, and it makes me feel like, What am I doing wrong?
• 15:14
  Christie: I'm failing at being a mom and I got angry
• 15:16
  Cheryl: yes.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Yeah, so going back to what you're talking about with the kids in the bathtub and all of that, right?
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: With your huff, which one of those do you think came in well?
• 15:27
  Cheryl: Fear that
• 15:27
  Christie: the baby was gonna wake up.
• 15:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Christie: But I think that would've probably trickled into the reason I didn't want the baby to wake up was inconvenience on the rest of my day.
• 15:37
  Christie: And then I would be failing because I would get the things done I need to get done.
• 15:41
  Christie: And so, yeah, definitely.
• 15:42
  Christie: So you hit all the points actually at all of these?
• 15:45
  Christie: I think most of us did.
• 15:47
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:48
  Ellen: Well, I had a funny example of anger, but it was still anger I was sitting down Crosslegged on the ground on the carpet with my, um, my son and I was trying to work through algebra with him.
• 16:01
  Ellen: Oh, algebra.
• 16:03
  Ellen: I mean, I should be forbidden from teaching anything besides arithmetic, which I forbade myself.
• 16:08
  Ellen: Eventually get a tutor, but, um, so I'm trying to work through it and he's not getting it.
• 16:14
  Ellen: Doing a horrible job of teaching it.
• 16:16
  Ellen: So I'm starting to feel really angry.
• 16:18
  Ellen: I'm not angry at him.
• 16:20
  Ellen: I'm angry at myself because I feel like I'm such a failure.
• 16:22
  Ellen: Why can't I teach?
• 16:23
  Ellen: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:24
  Ellen: Algebra to my smart.
• 16:25
  Ellen: Teenager.
• 16:26
  Ellen: So at that point, I know I need to leave the room so I don't throw the book across the room.
• 16:31
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 16:31
  Ellen: So I go to get up, and I didn't realize that we'd been sitting so long that my leg had fallen asleep.
• 16:37
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 16:38
  Ellen: So I'm walking off with my legs completely asleep, dragging behind me like Frank.
• 16:44
  Ellen: Stein and I have to walk all the way down the hall, and my son's very quiet.
• 16:50
  Ellen: Oh.
• 16:50
  Ellen: And I get to my room and then I burst out laughing So I'm like trying to be cool as I walk off angry.
• 16:56
  Ellen: So eventually I kind of cooled off a little bit and came back out Oh
• 16:59
  Christie: my goodness.
• 17:00
  Christie: But that's just not the same.
• 17:02
  Christie: Flying act as storming out.
• 17:04
  Christie: Slamming.
• 17:04
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:05
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:06
  Ellen: There my mom dragging her leg,
• 17:09
  Cheryl: you know, sort of dropped Mike.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: But you dropped Mike on your head.
• 17:12
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 17:14
  Ellen: trying to exit.
• 17:15
  Ellen: Cool Uhhuh.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: And see, I think something that would make me angry would be, um, Maybe in the interaction.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: That an older one is manipulating, doing something to the little one and taking advantage.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: Right?
• 17:31
  Cheryl: And it would get me really upset, right?
• 17:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: And so when I look at that, it's the unjust Yes.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Right?
• 17:37
  Cheryl: How dare you take advantage of a smaller one you know?
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: They might even be handling it.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: But I'm the one getting angry because of injustice.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: You know, or if they're riled up and they're upset and they're angry at me, if I look at my response, There's hurt, right?
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Because guess what?
• 17:57
  Cheryl: I'm doing it.
• 17:58
  Cheryl: Number one rule of what we do not take.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Yes, we do not take it personally.
• 18:03
  Cheryl: Personally.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: And I took it all personally, right?
• 18:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: And so we just had this perfect storm, right?
• 18:09
  Cheryl: If I'm not under control, cuz I'm operating out of hurt injustice, fear of failure, right?
• 18:14
  Cheryl: And it's just right.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Growing and growing and growing
• 18:17
  Christie: You know, sometimes I don't even know if our kids know what they're angry about.
• 18:22
  Christie: That's true.
• 18:22
  Christie: Right.
• 18:23
  Christie: And the anger gets displaced, you know?
• 18:25
  Christie: True.
• 18:26
  Christie: Say, you know, Mom, you were supposed to take my clothes out of the dryer.
• 18:31
  Christie: I asked you to get my clothes outta the dryer.
• 18:33
  Christie: Now they're wrinkling and now I can't wear them.
• 18:35
  Christie: And you know, you ruined my life.
• 18:37
  Christie: If you ruined my life, I was going to wear these today to work, and I have to wear my black jeans today.
• 18:42
  Christie: I can't wear my black jeans today.
• 18:45
  Christie: You know, And it might be that, you know, It was really important they wear those jeans because so and so is working this shift today and I wanna look my best for so and so.
• 18:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:54
  Christie: And so the anger's not really even towards me.
• 18:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:58
  Christie: In that moment.
• 18:58
  Christie: Right.
• 18:59
  Christie: It's just displaced for another insecurity or or issue in their lives.
• 19:04
  Cheryl: Something like my shoulder
• 19:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:06
  Christie: And it may not
• 19:07
  Ellen: even make sense.
• 19:08
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:08
  Ellen: Because they're still teenagers.
• 19:09
  Ellen: Yes.
• 19:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:10
  Ellen: You know, on the scale of really what's important, but at that moment it is important to
• 19:14
  Christie: them.
• 19:14
  Christie: And I think if, if I can extend them grace in that moment and acknowledge I don't know the whole story.
• 19:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:21
  Christie: And just say, You know what, babe?
• 19:22
  Christie: I'm so sorry.
• 19:23
  Christie: Hey, why don't I iron'em for you?
• 19:25
  Christie: Or, you know, why don't I throw'em back in the truck?
• 19:26
  Christie: Because if, if this is something that's ongoing, always an issue and they're speaking disrespectful to you about everything, that's one thing.
• 19:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:33
  Christie: But if it's just one moment, there's no reason not to just extend them grace, being a teen is hard and they're really caring about what so and so thinks
• 19:42
  Cheryl: today.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 19:44
  Cheryl: If you don't take it personally.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: And so what I heard you do, that one is what I wish I had done is stay lovingly objective.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: And then not get sucked into it.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: It's, it's sucking into, sucking into it.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: Vacuum.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: That's really hard.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: You know?
• 20:01
  Cheryl: And you use the phrase, You ruined my life.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: And we all smiled and kind of laughed when you.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: Because to a teen, so many things are a 10.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: And so remember they're working so much out of that am amygdala hijack We Need to to not scoff and laugh at them.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: It's not gonna ruin your life.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:22
  Cheryl: that is not helpful.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: That's the kind of things we don't wanna say.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: Well, because that really, It's ridicule.
• 20:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Christie: And it's not, That that one event would ruin their life.
• 20:32
  Christie: But if that event is affecting their identity Oh yeah.
• 20:36
  Christie: Or their sense of belonging.
• 20:38
  Christie: Right.
• 20:38
  Christie: That can feel like it's ruining their whole life.
• 20:41
  Christie: That's right.
• 20:42
  Christie: That've ruined my whole identity or my whole belonging in this friend group or, and you know, there's a.
• 20:48
  Christie: Time and a place to have that conversation.
• 20:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:50
  Christie: Of where we get our identity, but,
• 20:52
  Ellen: And a lot of times when you do, your teen will laugh and go, Yeah, sorry.
• 20:55
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:56
  Ellen: I kinda overreacted.
• 20:57
  Ellen: But that's the
• 20:58
  Christie: later.
• 20:58
  Christie: That's the later.
• 21:00
  Ellen: No, not in the moment.
• 21:01
  Ellen: No, for sure.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: And our
• 21:03
  Ellen: teenagers can hurt.
• 21:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:05
  Ellen: You know, they get upset and they just say that what's on the tip of their tongue and you're like, Oh, I can take the knife out now?
• 21:12
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:12
  Ellen: And so you're trying to figure out how do I respond correctly in this?
• 21:16
  Ellen: And then for me, my next response, which is self protective, is anger comes up.
• 21:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:21
  Ellen: Oh, I can't believe you just said that to me.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: I mean, it's just a horrible Yes.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Soup that you're just stirring if we don't stop it.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: Right?
• 21:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: And that's the deal.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: You know, love learning from, Mental health experts about self-awareness.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: And that I have to stop my amygdala hijack.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Cause that's what we're talking about.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: so if I'm living outta my amygdala.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: Yeah I'm getting sucked into their outburst world.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: I can't help them.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: And So I have got to.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: The stop.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: So let's maybe look at some practical things.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:01
  Cheryl: How do I deal with this emotion storm Mm-hmm.
• 22:04
  Cheryl: what would y'all suggest?
• 22:05
  Christie: Well, I'm just thinking because I have a lot of expressive teen girls in my life.
• 22:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:11
  Christie: Um, of being in that moment.
• 22:14
  Christie: And the emotions are high and the outburst is happening and all of the words are being spewed.
• 22:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:22
  Christie: Violently across the room, Um, and I think my first thought, is is this personal?
• 22:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Christie: Is it coming at me?
• 22:31
  Christie: Is it disrespecting me or hurting me?
• 22:34
  Christie: You know, personally attacking me.
• 22:36
  Christie: Right.
• 22:36
  Christie: Or another family member.
• 22:38
  Christie: And a lot of times it's not, it's just this injustice Yeah.
• 22:42
  Christie: And.
• 22:43
  Christie: Typically on those things, I think just let it run its course mm-hmm.
• 22:47
  Christie: Because you're not going to be able to speak any amount of reason or logic in that moment.
• 22:53
  Christie: It's very true.
• 22:53
  Christie: It's true.
• 22:54
  Christie: It's just not possible.
• 22:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:55
  Christie: And so emotions are good.
• 22:58
  Christie: You know, let let them express those emotions and listen and Right nod and smile and hug and, you know, whatever comforts them in that moment, I think is the first thing.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: And I really like what you said about when there's the emotion, because when you read about this from the scientific side, when that amygdala is firing right, particularly in adolescence mm-hmm.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: And young adulthood until, we get that prefrontal cortex mm-hmm.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: um, that they simply cannot, walk with you through the logic, no.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: And so one mistake.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: I made early on thinking to diffuse it saying,, Now let's talk about this I didn't know what the scientists say but a little bit experience make me realize We can't talk about this right now.
• 23:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:46
  Christie: It only has to go poorly a couple of times before you realize.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 23:50
  Cheryl: This is not working.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: I know.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: So one of the greatest phrases again, that's I borrowed from someone is we deal with it when it's an issue.
• 23:59
  Cheryl: We discuss it when it's not.
• 24:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: So dealing in this might be, Wait minute, let's stop for a little bit.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: You know?
• 24:06
  Cheryl: And from Ellen, I've heard her say so many times.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: Why don't you go to your room?
• 24:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:11
  Cheryl: you know, and I'm going to mine, right?
• 24:15
  Cheryl: you know, it's a little bit like boxing match.
• 24:17
  Cheryl: Everybody go to your corners.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: And let's drink a little water.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Let's calm down and then we can come back and Yeah.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Um, you know, it was healthy when I did delay the discussion of it.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: My tendency earlier, which wasn't healthy, is Wow, if we've diffused it, let's just keep the peace and not come back to it.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: Right?
• 24:38
  Cheryl: So that wasn't healthy because it ruins it's
• 24:40
  Ellen: ugly head.
• 24:41
  Ellen: It's true down the road.
• 24:42
  Ellen: Cause you haven't dealt with conflict., right.
• 24:45
  Ellen: And I
• 24:45
  Cheryl: thought, I can remember particularly working my son to algebra again.
• 24:51
  Cheryl: Something about algebra.
• 24:53
  Cheryl: We
• 24:53
  Christie: teach algebra when children are teens and hormonal and emotional.
• 24:58
  Christie: And
• 24:58
  Cheryl: they have mothers that are hormonal
• 25:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: But I can remember just, and I was thinking logically.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: Why are your emotions so high?
• 25:07
  Cheryl: It's just math.
• 25:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:09
  Cheryl: But it was cuz it was failure, right?
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: It was failure and frustration.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Frustration, yeah.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: And with my boys, I saw it particularly whenever that was triggering.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: And I would say, well, to go play basketball, I would send them outside and they would run or take the dog or skateboards or whatever for a while, come back.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: They were a brand new person.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:29
  Ellen: Because sometimes you just gotta get rid of that energy that comes with anger and frustration.
• 25:35
  Ellen: Because otherwise it's just gonna come out in words.
• 25:37
  Ellen: Yes.
• 25:37
  Cheryl: It really diffused it and.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: We didn't always need to talk about it.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: We just, if we needed, Well, I had to do that for
• 25:44
  Ellen: me, I would tell my kids, Hey, I'm getting upset.
• 25:46
  Ellen: I'm gonna go to my room for a little bit, you know?
• 25:49
  Ellen: And I would do that.
• 25:49
  Ellen: I would go and sit down, take a few deep breaths and think about some other things, or why am I upset about this?
• 25:56
  Ellen: And then I'd come back better.
• 25:58
  Cheryl: How'd that ever work for Mike?
• 25:59
  Cheryl: Does he ever say, Oh, and I think you need to go
• 26:01
  Christie: nice long laugh, you know I think it's really important Just to validate their feelings.
• 26:09
  Christie: because the feelings are real.
• 26:11
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 26:12
  Christie: in that moment, even if it's, you know, comes from a place of misunderstanding.
• 26:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:18
  Christie: It's still a very real emotion.
• 26:19
  Christie: So to validate that I think can diffuse it some and, and bring the tension down.
• 26:25
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:25
  Christie: If they feel heard and seen in that moment.
• 26:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah
• 26:28
  Ellen: Because sometimes there's a lot of emotions.
• 26:30
  Ellen: Yeah
• 26:30
  Cheryl: one of the things also that helped with me, I can remember one standing at my door.
• 26:37
  Cheryl: So upset with me.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: You talked about the perpetual disrespect.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: I had to expand how much emotion and energy that my teens.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: could Bring to the conversation.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: what an eight year old should say and do is very different for at this age that I had to allow them more freedom.
• 27:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: to express their emotions, to not shut'em down and to not get sucked into it.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: And one of the things is, without taking responsibility for it, I have to watch my tone, look at him with sincerity, and I've heard you say this, Christie saying, I'm sorry, you're feeling frustrated.
• 27:24
  Cheryl: Mm, mm-hmm.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: or, I'm really sorry that, that hurt your feelings.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: I'm really sorry.
• 27:29
  Cheryl: that it hurt you that's true from my side without my taking the guilt of it.
• 27:36
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 27:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:37
  Cheryl: But that what they're doing is that you don't care.
• 27:40
  Cheryl: You did this and you didn't show and, and all of this, and I was embarrassed.
• 27:45
  Cheryl: I'm so sorry.
• 27:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:46
  Cheryl: I didn't mean to hurt you like that.
• 27:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:49
  Cheryl: diffusing it because I'm actually loving on them and apologizing for the.
• 27:56
  Cheryl: That they're having, even though they're the one that's wrong and not
• 28:00
  Ellen: making excuses right.
• 28:01
  Ellen: You're just clearly just apologizing for the hurt.
• 28:05
  Ellen: Right I'm not saying because,
• 28:07
  Christie: and I think if you can, um, Identify with a similar experience.
• 28:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:13
  Christie: Not elaborating too much on your story because then that makes it about you, You'll love that,
• 28:18
  Cheryl: love that Cause that is dangerous territory.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: Too much.
• 28:21
  Christie: My story, very lightly.
• 28:23
  Christie: You mentioned an experience like, oh, I've, I've experienced, you know, this situation that was similar.
• 28:29
  Christie: I can understand.
• 28:30
  Christie: I think it does help to,
• 28:32
  Cheryl: and a lot of times I've found that more effective in that later conversation.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: you know, Mm.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: And this is excellent.
• 28:38
  Cheryl: And.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: I don't know how many times I've said it.
• 28:43
  Cheryl: I wish y'all had been in my life 50 years ago, so you could have really helped me walk through this.
• 28:50
  Cheryl: So I would've been in a healthier place We'd have to be at this point
• 28:53
  Christie: in our way.
• 28:54
  Christie: There's only one way for
• 28:55
  Ellen: it.
• 28:56
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 28:57
  Cheryl: listeners, That's what we want to do.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: We're trying to.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Let's deal with emotions, understanding, loving our children well, trying to move all of us to a healthier place.
• 29:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 29:08
  Ellen: No, it's, you know, that's part of being a teenager.
• 29:12
  Ellen: You have wide spans of emotions.
• 29:15
  Ellen: That's how you learn to grow up, to say, I have to control these, I can express these.
• 29:19
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 29:20
  Christie: or just being human because I mean, even as adults, some of us are, have wide span of emotion wider than others.
• 29:28
  Ellen: And people go, What's wrong with you?
• 29:29
  Ellen: I'm mad right now
• 29:33
  Cheryl: and as a parent that I'm practicing all this.
• 29:36
  Cheryl: We're talking about all the years their childhood laying this groundwork and I'm working on myself and rowing and being healthier and yeah, more loving.
• 29:45
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:47
  Cheryl: Uh, our clock is tick, tick, tick passed.
• 29:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:50
  Cheryl: We've got to close.
• 29:52
  Cheryl: And thank you for being here and welcome back.
• 29:54
  Cheryl: I'm sorry you back, but That's good.
• 29:58
  Ellen: I'll take that in a good way.
• 30:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:01
  Christie: next time just take us with
• 30:02
  Ellen: you.
• 30:03
  Ellen: I know.
• 30:03
  Ellen: That'd be fun.
• 30:04
  Ellen: We've talked about that.
• 30:05
  Ellen: I know.
• 30:06
  Ellen: Maybe we all start saving
• 30:07
  Christie: now.
• 30:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 30:10
  Cheryl: So parents, hang in there.
• 30:12
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevere.
• 30:15
  Cheryl: Because it's worth it.