Latest / The Original Self Podcast / Episode 14-The Fullest Empty Life: Why You’re Always Busy but Never Fulfilled

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Episode 14-The Fullest Empty Life: Why You’re Always Busy but Never Fulfilled · The Original Self Podcast

0:12
Welcome to the Original Self Podcast. I'm Evet
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DeCota, owner of DeCota Life Coaching and a psychology
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-informed life coach exploring resilience, mindset,
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and the courage to become your authentic self.
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This is a space for honest conversations about
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growth, identity, relationships, and the messy
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moments in between that shape who we become.
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Between the salon chair and coaching sessions,
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I've watched people move through life in patterns
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they rarely notice. Patterns that are subtle,
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familiar, and incredibly hard to see from the
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inside. Today, we're talking about time. Not
0:55
how to manage or optimize it, but how busyness
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becomes an identity. Stillness became uncomfortable.
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And somewhere in between, we stopped actually
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living our days and just hoped to get through
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them. This is episode 13, The Fullest Empty Life.
1:14
Why you're always busy but never fulfilled. Today,
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I want to start with something that I've witnessed
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from behind the chair. Busyness is something
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I know personally. I work full time in a salon
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and on most nights and days off, I'm building
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my coaching business. I was thinking about this
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as I watched a salon client who was unable to
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be fully present during her entire appointment.
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She booked an appointment for highlights, color,
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haircut, blow dry. It's typically a two and a
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half hour appointment. From the moment she sat
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in my chair, her laptop was open and her phone
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was face up on the station. Every few minutes,
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her phone would light up and she leaned forward
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to grab it, like mid -color, mid -haircut. And
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then I'd have to like readjust the cape or move
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my tray, move my body around the chair to get
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where I needed to be. Each time she was on the
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phone, she would mouth to me like, oh, I'm so
2:39
sorry. One more minute. The minute never ended
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until the appointment was actually over. When
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I finished her hair, I asked her if she liked
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it, if everything was okay. That's how I knew
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she hadn't looked in the mirror once during the
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entire appointment. She finally glanced up, laughed
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this tired little giggle and said, yes, of course,
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I love it. I smiled, I booked her next appointment,
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but I just kept thinking about the fact that
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she hadn't relaxed for a single minute. She had
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scheduled this service, paid for it, shown up,
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and it was almost like it was just another checked
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off box on her endless to -do list. The silence
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that maybe she hoped for, she didn't receive
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it. I got it though. Not talking gave me something
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that I didn't actually expect. My mind went somewhere
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quieter. It was just a break from being on all
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the time. I feel she came in for a rest and I'm
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the one who walked away with it. So as I thought
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about that more, it just kind of left me wondering
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how many of us are showing up in our own lives
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without ever really arriving. I don't think there's
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a simple answer. to that question. Because the
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problem isn't just personal, it's maybe cultural.
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And it runs a lot deeper than one busy client
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in one salon chair. I know that. I feel like
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we live in a culture that has conflated activity
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with meaning. Such as the calendar is full, therefore
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life is full. There's a psychological concept
4:50
called Action Bias. It's the deeply human tendency
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to prefer doing something over doing nothing,
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even when maybe doing nothing is the smarter
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choice. Studies on soccer goalkeepers show they
5:12
dive left or right on penalty kicks almost every
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time, even though statistically, Staying in the
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center saves more goals. So that's what I mean
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by we have to just, we always have to be doing
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something. We can't just stand still. We struggle
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with that stillness. Not because we're lazy or
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undisciplined, but because we absorbed a cultural
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message that equates motion with worth. If you're
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not moving, You're not contributing. If you're
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not contributing, what exactly are you? Stillness
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doesn't just feel uncomfortable. It can feel
6:02
like failure. I personally received that message
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loud and clear as a young girl. My parents were
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always moving from morning until evening. Sun
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up, sun down. They did what needed to be done.
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before they even considered relaxing. If there
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was time left over, we went to the beach or the
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carnival or played games together, which was
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always great fun. They would even judge my brother
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and my latest dance routines that we thought
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we were on dance fever. And they would judge
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us on attitude and whether the steps were appropriate.
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Super fun. But it was not until everything was
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done. The point is, the message wasn't always
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spoken outright, but it was very, very clear.
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Don't sit around, move and keep going. And here's
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the thing. Culture doesn't just allow this, it
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rewards it. Researcher Silvia Beleza at Columbia
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found that Americans often view busyness as a
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status symbol. In parts of Italy, leisure signals
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success. They say dolce far niente, the sweetness
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of doing nothing. You would think that since
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my family comes from Italy, that message would
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have got passed down. But whatever sweetness
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existed was quickly soured by their hustle to
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work, make money, and to be as American as possible.
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I've really noticed this belief across cultures.
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Many immigrant families arrive in America carrying
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a powerful work ethic, probably born from sacrifice.
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Once here, that sacrifice often merges with,
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like I was saying, the uniquely American idea
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that busyness equals worth. But before long,
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productivity becomes a measure not just of success,
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but of value. I think that we've made a virtue
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out of depletion. But beneath all of the cultural
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conditioning lies something much more personal.
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The psychological reality behind many overscheduled
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lives is avoidance. It's experiential avoidance
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to be exact. It's the way we fill every hour
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specifically to avoid contact with uncomfortable
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internal experiences. Like grief, loneliness,
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uncertainty, or maybe even the silent dread that
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some feel for not living the life that they want.
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That packed schedule keeps those feelings just
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far enough away that you never have to face them
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directly. For many people, busyness is an ambition.
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It's their way of coping. It's a coping mechanism.
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I experienced this firsthand when California
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mandated the closure of salons, spas, nail salons,
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the beauty industry for nearly six months. It
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wasn't six months at one time, but it was close.
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I went from constant human contact and days scheduled
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to the minute to what felt like solitary confinement.
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Then layered on top of that was grief from my
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mom's passing just months before. After three
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weeks of spending time on my own with no distractions,
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Everything that I had pushed down came rising
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to the surface because that busyness was gone
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and there was nothing left to distract me. Once
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the distraction disappeared, I could finally
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see what it had done for me. It wasn't just managing
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the grief. It was managing uncertainty, loneliness,
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and surprisingly the need for control. Surprising
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for me. That's another reason why we stay so
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busy that we don't talk about a lot or maybe
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we don't even realize. It's control. In our world
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today, I think it feels increasingly unpredictable.
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So crossing things off a list gives us a temporary
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sense of order, that control. I did this. I finished
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that. I'm on top of things. It doesn't matter
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that the list never ends. It's the act of doing
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that makes us feel like somehow we have a say
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in how our life goes, scheduled, unfolds. And
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when life becomes genuinely uncertain, like something
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as scary as a... A diagnosis, a bad diagnosis,
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a loss, a relationship falling apart. Often that
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list gets longer. Like I said, as long as we're
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doing, we don't have to sit with what we can't
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control. One of my friends always needs plans
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for the weekend. She told me that without something
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scheduled, something to look forward to, she
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starts to feel a bit down. She just simply loves
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connecting with others and having fun. And that's
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probably it. It can also be, for others, avoidance.
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The unscheduled weekend isn't just empty time
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for some. It's an invitation to feel things we've
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been out running all week long. And maybe that's
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why I've always got so many balls in the air.
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I built a salon from a four -wall dump into this
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beautiful, thriving business. Years later, I
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dismantled it and created a studio salon. Then
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I went to school full -time while working full
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-time. I wanted everything those pursuits represented.
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And I earned every reward they gave me. But I...
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I also know that some of the motions served another
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purpose. There were feelings I didn't fully know
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how to process, so I just kept moving. The continual
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moving has a cost, though. It goes deeper, deeper
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than exhaustion. It reaches all the way into
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who we think we are. So with that said, who we
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think we are. What goes through your mind when
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someone asks at a party, so what do you do? Notice
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that we don't ask, who are you? What do you love?
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We go straight to function. Psychologists call
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this Role Identity Fusion, which is the merging
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of your self -concept with productive function.
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So the busyness becomes identity. Stillness then
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becomes existential threat. It's not just that
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you're bored when you stop. It's that you're
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no longer sure who you are because you're just
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so immersed in what you do. A few years ago,
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I started asking clients the question, What do
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you do when you're not getting your hair done?
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Now, the word do is in there, but it kind of
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disarms them. It's surprising how many people
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pause, like really pause. Some laugh nervously
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and some say, I don't know. With a kind of sad
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honesty, some just look confused. And a lot of
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times they say to me, you know, oh, what do I
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do for a living? And I'm like, or just what are
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you doing in your life? And it really does open
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up a conversation about that. But that pause,
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when they pause, it tells me everything. Because
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somewhere along the way, many of us handed our
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identity over to What we produce. And if we are
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not producing something and you sit still long
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enough in this culture, someone will read it
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as laziness. I guarantee it. Or worse, evidence
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that something's actually wrong with you. At
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its most insidious, doing nothing becomes unworthiness
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in our culture. I know this one from the inside.
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I don't struggle with laziness. What I struggle
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with is stopping. Most nights after work and
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on my days off, I'm building something. My coaching
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business, this podcast even, the next project
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on the list, right? I'm almost always moving
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toward the next thing on my list. I stopped moving
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just long enough to binge a series instead of
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starting any of the to -dos. I used to judge
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myself for that, right? But now I see it differently.
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Well, sometimes I see it differently. I know
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it's not laziness. I know that it's my nervous
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system finally waving a white flag, if you will.
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It's avoidance showing up. in a different costume.
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For people like me stillness often has to sneak
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in through the back door because if it's trying
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to come in through the front no no no I can't
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have you. I have a friend who figured this out
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way before I ever did. She's both an accomplished
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musician and artist and years ago another friend
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of ours was having a conversation with her and
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asked her why she only taught music lessons two
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days a week when she could easily teach more,
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more often. Her answer really stunned me. She
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said she needed to set aside time to walk in
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nature, be with her family, and daydream. That's
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what she said, daydream. It was so honest and
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so confident. And it, I don't know, it made me
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realize something about myself that was a little
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bit sad. I realized I had stopped doing those
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things. Looking at the clouds, sitting still,
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watching what I can only describe as Squirrel
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du Soleil, which was like. these walnut trees
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that I had in my front yard and squirrels would
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launch themselves from branch to branch, chasing
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one another as if they were performing for an
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audience. It was super entertaining, very fun
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to watch. And I would spend, you know, maybe
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20, 25 minutes doing it, just enjoying. My musician
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friend understood something intuitively that
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Daniel Siegel, who's a neuropsychiatrist, put
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into his book called IntraConnected, MWe, which
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is Me + We. Siegel said that we're taught
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to see ourselves as isolated individuals defined
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by what we produce, what we achieve and accomplish.
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But humans are more than a separate me. We are
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also part of a larger we. connected to other
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people, our communities, and the world around
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us. But why does that matter? Maybe when every
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hour is devoted to productivity, we only end
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up living on the me side of ourselves. The pauses,
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the daydreams, the walks, the moments that look
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unproductive on paper, that's where the we side
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lives. It's where we connect or reflect and actually
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make meaning of our lives. So busyness doesn't
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just exhaust us, it cuts us off from a fuller
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version of ourselves, of who we are, who we want
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to be. And most of us don't even realize that
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we've actually given up something. So this is
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where neuroscience gets interesting. When your
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brain isn't focused on a specific task, it doesn't
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shut down. It activates what's called the Default
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Mode Network. Default Mode Network. This is where
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your brain processes emotions, consolidates memories,
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and makes connections And then builds a coherent
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sense of self over time. So in other words, some
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of the most important work your brain does happens
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when it appears to be doing nothing. When I was
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15, I woke up one night and I looked out my window
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and there was this beautiful full moon. And I
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sat there staring at it long enough. for my brain
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to just kind of quiet and then begin to move
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in a different direction. Maybe it was the sleepiness,
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but within 10 minutes, I had written this poem.
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And it wasn't because I was trying to. It just
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kind of came out of me because I had stopped
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doing everything else. It was like my mind had
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finally had room to grow, to go somewhere beautiful.
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I'm not sure I can do that today. Not because
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I've lost the ability, but because I've lost
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the conditions to quiet that mind. I'm working
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on them, but they don't come as natural. The
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15 -year -old who wrote the poem had something
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I've slowly given away. That was the unstructured
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time with no agenda, no device telling me where
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to look next. It's not nostalgia. It's neuroscience.
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The default mode network needs stillness to activate.
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And unfortunately, we've engineered stillness
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almost completely out of our lives. And I think
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it happens gradually. But I also think we call
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it progress. Think about it. Where have you had
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your best ideas? Most people don't say at my
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desk working. They say in the shower or when
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they're on a walk or a long drive, maybe just
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before sleeping. Those are default mode network
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moments. The architecture of daily life used
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to create these moments automatically. A waiting
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room with nothing to read, right? Commutes with
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no signal, no radio signal. Or a slow Sunday
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afternoon with nowhere to be. No one called those
23:24
moments valuable. They just were there. They
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were doing something totally essential. They
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helped us process our experiences. Maybe tie
23:36
up loose ends. But mostly they let our minds
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wander far enough to come back to something worth
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keeping. Then we gradually replaced those spaces
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with things that felt like upgrades. Waiting
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rooms now had Wi -Fi. So does my salon. That's
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why people work all the time. commutes stream
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podcasts and music endless choices right you
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don't have to be in silence and Sunday afternoons
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if you have children you're driving all over
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the place for whatever sporting event or recital
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they have and if you're a working person which
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most people are you are either working or just
24:25
doing everything you need to do for your house
24:27
right So if none of that happens for you, then
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there's endless entertainment on the television
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that you can stream. Every gap is filled. Every
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pause is covered. And therefore, the brain that
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depended on those gaps stopped getting what it
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needed, basically. So when the smartphone came
24:56
on the scene, It didn't just fill the remaining
24:59
gaps. It made having gaps start to feel uncomfortable.
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Data from Apple Screen Time found that Americans
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pick up their phones about 96 times a day. That's
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once every 10 minutes. Pew Research found most
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people check their phones within minutes of waking.
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I'm guilty of that myself. Sometimes I wake up
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in the middle of the night and automatically
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reach for my phone. And then I immediately start
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listening to political podcasts. As you can imagine,
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that does wonders for my relaxation and continued
25:44
sleep patterns. But it's what I do. And, you
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know, I'll go to a restaurant. I watch people.
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sitting at the tables with their family or at
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their family dinner tables and their phones are
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sitting beside them just waiting for the next
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interruption. I see people's eyes drift downward
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instead of towards each other and then that makes
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the conversations become fragmented, right? That
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attention gets divided across the table and so
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you're not fully present. In my own life, I barely
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read books anymore. I used to love reading. Somewhere
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along the way, social media and streaming started
26:31
occupying that space where books once filled.
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The same thing happened with music. Music was
26:40
woven into each day of my life. I am making a
26:46
conscious effort to bring it back because I notice
26:49
the difference immediately for me. I notice there
26:53
is a calmness that comes over me, a creativity
26:56
that comes over to me. So I am making sure that
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music is a part of my each day because it creates
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the kind of wandering mental space that feeds
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the default mode network. I think there's a deeper
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issue that's not just distraction. It's interruption.
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There's a researcher named Gloria Mark, and in
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her study, she found that it can take more than
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20 minutes to fully regain focus after an interruption.
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Most of us interrupt ourselves constantly with,
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you know, our phone messages, phone calls, internet
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searches. you know, the news banner that comes
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across our phones, we rarely experience sustained
27:49
attention. In fact, to write this podcast, to
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record this podcast, I have to put my phone on
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airplane mode. Otherwise, I would never finish
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it. It would get constantly interrupted. The
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phone, I think, has made... Restlessness feel
28:11
normal. We have become uncomfortable with our
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own inner experiences. The phone is like a relief
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valve. And every time we reach for it, we reinforce
28:26
the idea that stillness is something we should
28:29
be escaping from. And underneath that escapism,
28:34
there's a grief and joy piece to it. The unscheduled
28:40
moments aren't just where we have our best ideas.
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They're where we actually feel our lives. If
28:50
there's grief, it needs space to move through
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us. Take joy. It requires us to slow down enough
28:58
to register it. Some of the most important emotional
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experiences of being human, gratitude, wonder,
29:09
love, even mourning. It happens in the pause.
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When you feel every pause, we don't just stay
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busy. I think we stay slightly numb. Brene Brown
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writes in her book Atlas of the Heart what she
29:33
calls foreboding joy. It's the The tendency to
29:37
brace against good moments because fully feeling
29:41
them feels way too vulnerable. That sounds crazy,
29:46
right? But the most important thing is we cannot
29:50
selectively numb emotion. When we numb grief
29:56
and loneliness and fear, then we also numb joy,
30:01
gratitude, and connection. The busyness that
30:05
protects us from feeling the bad also prevents
30:08
us from feeling fully, from feeling fully, fully
30:14
good as well. In college, I read a book by a
30:22
woman named Tricia Hersey. She's the founder
30:26
of the NAP ministry. The NAP ministry argues
30:30
that rest is not a luxury or a reward for productivity.
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It's actually a human need. And what I love most
30:42
about her definition of rest is that it isn't
30:45
limited to sleep. Rest can be creativity, laughter,
30:50
time with people you love, seeking out beauty,
30:54
learning something just because it just interests
30:58
you. Maybe watching squirrels launch themselves
31:03
through the walnut trees on a Tuesday afternoon.
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All of it counts. All of it restores us. When
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I stop, I mean really stop. It doesn't always
31:16
feel like relief. Sometimes it feels lonely or
31:19
sad. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to
31:22
look forward to, like my friend. I've sat with
31:26
that long enough now. to understand what it means.
31:31
It means the stillness is working. Not because
31:35
it feels good, but because it's finally allowing
31:38
the feelings that motion was managing to come
31:43
forward. And I mean, it can be uncomfortable,
31:47
but it's the only way through. So this is all
31:53
to say that rest isn't the absence of productivity.
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It's the presence of yourself. So let me reframe
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this. Let's get back into our own lives. I think
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we need to completely invert the way we talk
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about wasting time because I don't think most
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of us actually know what it means any longer.
32:22
Staring out the window is not a waste of time.
32:25
Sitting outside listening to nature. Not a waste
32:28
of time. Playing with dogs, my brother's dogs
32:32
in particular. It's not a waste of time. It's
32:34
a joy. Putting on newly released music on a Friday
32:39
evening and simply listening, not cooking to
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it, not cleaning to it, just listening is not
32:47
a waste of time. It is rest. They are the moments
32:52
the default mode network has been waiting for
32:55
your entire week. These are the moments that
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Trisha Hersey is talking about when she says
33:01
that rest is a human gift. They're the moments
33:06
that Brene Brown means when she reminds us that
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we have to stop numbing ourselves long enough
33:10
to actually feel our own lives. Scrolling on
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your phone through, you know, reels is mindless.
33:23
It's reflexive. It's filling the gap scrolling.
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It's usually the biggest waste of time. And I
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say usually because in all fairness, sometimes
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when I'm doing that, I find a TED Talk that changes
33:41
the way I thought about something. Sometimes
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I fall down the rabbit hole of watching dog grooming
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videos that make me laugh. They're so cute. Sometimes
33:52
I find hair videos that spark my creativity.
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So is that a waste of time? I don't know. Maybe
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if it's done long enough, it's a waste of time.
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The difference isn't just the platform. The difference
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is intention. Did you choose it or did you simply
34:13
fall into it, fall down the rabbit hole of mindlessly
34:19
scrolling? I think the definition of presence
34:23
can be many things. For me, it could be as simple
34:27
as standing in the shower and listening to the
34:30
sound of the running water. It could be listening
34:34
to my client, not just to the words, but to the
34:38
tone underneath them. It could be noticing that
34:43
my mind has finally grown quiet. And for me,
34:49
it could be eating something because it nourishes
34:52
me, not eating out of emotion. I'm still learning
34:57
that. But here's the reframe. Presence is the
35:03
product, not the thing you produce while you're
35:07
present. It's the presence itself. The difference
35:12
between wasting time and spending it isn't activity
35:18
versus inactivity. It's whether you are actually
35:22
inside your own experience or you're running
35:26
from it. One leaves you emptier than when you
35:30
started, right? The other gives you something
35:34
back. I think we've been measuring it all wrong.
35:40
There's a framework from Mindfulness-Based Cognitive
35:45
Therapy. It helps explain that the distinction
35:51
between two mental modes, the Doing mode and
35:55
Being mode. Doing mode is goal -oriented, future
36:02
-focused, and constantly evaluating the gap between
36:06
where you are and where you want to go to, where
36:09
you want to be. It's the mode I'm in when I run
36:13
my salon, build my business, record podcasts,
36:17
answer emails, get everything done on my work
36:22
to -do list. It's totally essential. I need to
36:25
do that. Without it, nothing gets built or finished
36:29
or gets moved forward. The problem isn't Doing
36:35
mode itself. The problem is that many of us have
36:40
forgotten that there's another option. The other
36:44
option is the Being mode. That is present, experiential.
36:51
Not measuring, not evaluating, not planning.
36:56
It's the shower, the music on a Friday night,
37:00
my client's voice, the squirrels in the trees.
37:06
It's nature doing the talking and you're just
37:10
listening. I notice Doing mode in my body before
37:15
I notice it in my mind. Almost every day, I catch
37:20
myself taking a very deep breath. And it's not
37:24
intentional. It feels like I've been holding
37:28
my breath or breathing so shallowly that my body
37:32
finally takes over. It demands oxygen. I think
37:37
the breath is my nervous system kind of tapping
37:41
me on the shoulder and saying, hey, you've been
37:43
gone for a while. Come on back. Being mode feels
37:47
good. My mind gets quieter, my body relaxes,
37:52
and I just settle. I settle down. And yet, I
37:58
still default back to Doing mode the moment there's
38:03
something on the list. The moment I may feel
38:07
uncomfortable. Researchers Lyddy and Good described
38:12
two related experiences that they call Entanglement
38:15
and Disentanglement. Entanglement happens when
38:20
we become completely absorbed in doing mode.
38:24
The inner observer goes offline. We react. We
38:30
execute and produce without noticing ourselves
38:33
doing it. Does that sound familiar? That's most
38:37
of us, most of the time. disentanglement, you're
38:42
still doing the work, you're still moving through
38:45
your day, but a quieter layer of awareness remains
38:50
present underneath all of it. It's basically
38:54
two parallel layers of your mind. You notice
38:58
yourself, you notice the breath, you notice the
39:01
moment. The awareness is available to almost
39:07
anyone. It's not a personality type. It's a practice.
39:12
The more often you return to being mode, the
39:16
easier it becomes to access. You don't need an
39:21
hour of meditation or a retreat in the mountains,
39:24
although I highly recommend both of those things.
39:27
You just simply need practice and tolerating
39:32
the pause long enough for awareness to return.
39:36
That's the entire practice. The philosopher William
39:43
James wrote in 1890 that the ability to voluntarily
39:48
bring back wandering attention over and over
39:50
again is the very root of judgment, character,
39:55
and will. Today, psychology calls that Attentional
39:59
Control. Like any resource, though, it can be
40:04
depleted with overuse and... But it also can
40:08
be replenished with rest. When our attention
40:12
is constantly fragmented by notifications, scrolling,
40:17
interruptions, we slowly lose the ability to
40:21
choose where our minds go, what we're thinking
40:25
about, how we're reacting. Eventually, though,
40:30
our attention belongs to... Whoever or whatever
40:34
is competing for it most aggressively. So what
40:39
do you do? We don't need to delete apps or become
40:43
monks. I don't want to shave my head. But we
40:48
could try a small experiment. What if just one
40:54
time this week we create a block of time with
40:58
no agenda? No productivity goal. And no self
41:04
-improvement project attached to it. Maybe go
41:09
for a walk without listening to anything. Just
41:12
the sounds of nature. The sounds around you.
41:17
You could sit with your coffee and do nothing
41:20
else. No scrolling. No talking. Nothing. Sitting
41:25
with your coffee. Let yourself be bored on purpose.
41:32
Then pay attention to what surfaces in that pause.
41:38
Going back to Siegel's MWe, the idea that me
41:42
and we were never meant to be separate. The productive
41:46
self, the scheduled self, the self whose worth
41:50
seems tied to performance. Now we know it's not
41:54
the whole self. It's only the part we've been
41:57
trained to display. The rest of you lives in
42:02
the pause. Siegel called it Integration. You
42:07
can't integrate a self that never stops performing.
42:10
So the empty moment isn't a threat. It's where
42:14
the rest of you lives. I know sitting in stillness
42:18
can feel frightening, but believe me, it won't
42:22
break you. When I finally slowed down, the loneliness
42:27
came forward. The grief came forward. The questions
42:31
I'd been too busy to ask myself came forward.
42:36
It wasn't comfortable, but it didn't break me.
42:40
In fact, it gave me something back. Stillness
42:45
takes courage. And like any muscle, it grows
42:49
stronger the more you use it. Eventually, you
42:54
stop tolerating the stillness and begin to crave.
42:58
What it gives you. I am worthy of rest. Not after
43:04
the list is finished, but now. Because I know
43:09
that list is never finished. I'm worthy now.
43:14
As I am. And so are you. You may not be able
43:21
to get back the time that's already gone. But
43:26
you can step back into the time you still have.
43:29
Not to optimize it or improve it. Just simply
43:32
to live inside it. To become the Mui you already
43:37
are. That's the fullest empty life. It was ours
43:43
the entire time. Thank you for listening to the
43:47
Original Self Podcast. If today's conversation
43:51
resonated with you and you feel ready to explore
43:53
your own growth, you can learn more about working
43:57
with me in the episode notes of this podcast.
44:01
Until next time, have a beautiful day.