Latest / Motherhood Alliance Podcast / Laying the Foundation: How to Build Trust With Your Child Early On w/ Emily Thiel | CCR&R
Transcript
- Britney: Welcome to the show, Emily. Hey everyone, this is Britt from motherhoodalliance.com and today I am excited to welcome Emily Thiel, the Child and Family Services Manager at Child Emily Thiel: Thanks, I'm happy to be here. Britney: We're happy to have you. We're excited to learn about CCRNR and everything that you guys offer. But first for our listeners, they always know that we like to get to know a new guest first. And so you shared a fun fact with me that you grew up on a small hobby farm in Crandon, Wisconsin, it still belongs to your family. Is that right? Care Resource and Referral Network, a nonprofit that helps to support both the child care workforce and the families who rely on it. With a decade of experience as a child care teacher and family provider, Emily now focuses on strengthening the system as a whole. Through CCR &R, she helps support providers with training, certification, and advocacy, and she supports families by helping them find Emily Thiel: Yep, it's actually, so my grandparents, my dad's parents and my dad still live on it. It's our favorite place to be. It's a fun place to let our kids roam around to just be still and be quiet in our fast paced world. So it's one of our favorite spots to be. Britney: quality childcare and get connected with essential resources. Her work also extends into the community through initiatives like a free diaper bank, family play spaces, parent connection events, and educational programs that help parents build strong supportive routines at home. At her core, Emily is passionate about supporting those who care for and raise children. She's also a wife and mom of two and in her downtime, she loves getting lost in the good book or audio book. How many acres is it? Like describe this hobby farm a little bit. And when you say hobby farm, are there animals or like what's tell us a little bit more about it. Emily Thiel: Yeah, so it's about 40 acres, so not too big, but just big enough for us to have our own kind of space. we ⁓ grew up with cows. We also do hay as well. And been a family force. So ⁓ my does it, my dad does it. I helped out when I was younger, still living there. My brother helped out when he living there. So a big family affair. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I love it so much, just because it has so many good memories. ⁓ So it was mostly cattle and hay that we did. Britney: Okay, so then did you go to Crandon High School? Emily Thiel: I did, Britney: All right. Well, I'd love to hear how you got into the childcare arena in the first place. So like what initially got you interested in looking at a profession in childcare? Tell us about your experience. And then I'd love for you to share a little bit more about CCRNR because I don't know how many people actually know about what you guys do. Emily Thiel: Sure, so it's kind of a funny story actually because as you know, growing up up north there really, when we were growing up, there really weren't any childcare programs. That really was not a thing where we grew up. It was, go to your aunt's house, your grandma's house, mom stayed home, a friend's house, whoever it was. But there really weren't any group programs, licensed family care programs, anything like that. So. Britney: Mm-hmm. Emily Thiel: I graduated high school, I moved to Appleton to be with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. And I started at UW Fox. I was going for social work. And I started a work study job at UW Fox and their university children's center to help with financial aid. And I was a little nervous because I've never been in, I've been in a classroom, like kind of helping with elementary aged kids. wasn't quite sure how I felt about it at the time, but it was volunteer hours that you needed to graduate school. So I did it. But once I started the work study job and I saw how well these teachers interacted with these children and the things that they're learning and the relationships that you're creating and just the bright smiling faces that you get when they learn something or they're friendly able to figure something out just drew me in. ⁓ Britney: Mm-hmm. Emily Thiel: I think I only lasted a few months at that work city job. And then I actually ended up transferring to Fox Valley Tech, where I then got my Associates degree in early childhood. I started working at a childcare center while I was going to school. So was doing the full-time college schedule while also working. It was a lot. I got married in between there. So it a busy few years, ⁓ but I've in the childcare world since. Britney: Yeah. Emily Thiel: did eight or nine years working in a group center. ⁓ also did a certified family child care program in my own home for a little bit as well. didn't quite work out for me just because of the logistics of having other people in your home. And my son just was not having sharing his space, which is completely fine. ⁓ so ended up back in the group childcare world, which I was happy with. three years ago, I had my daughter almost three years ago already. Britney: you Emily Thiel: ⁓ and just before I was about to leave, I just really felt like I wanted that change in my career, but I just wasn't quite sure where I was going. I knew I wasn't really ready to be a director or an assistant director. I wasn't sure if that was a place for me. so I was trying, I remember one day on my way home, ⁓ was trying to brainstorm what other fields I could explore, what other different positions in early childhood I could explore. I knew I didn't want to leave the field. I was just ready for that kind of next step up. And that's when I remembered childcare resource and referral. We talked about it when we were in college. So like, Hey, wonder. I went on their website, I looked on our job line dashboard, and lo and behold, there was a position open and I applied for it and here I am. So it's kind of a cool full circle moment. ⁓ Britney: Yeah, I love it. And knowing when it's time to pivot, right? In your own career based on what your family is needing in the time. And so you've really become an advocate for kids and families and relationships and that's what we're gonna be talking about today. So I'm excited to kind of dive in and get your expertise not only from the professional level because you've worked in all sorts of arenas now here, but also as the mom of your two kids, right? Did you say your oldest is a boy? Okay, so boy, girl. Emily Thiel: Yep. Yes, my oldest Lucas, he is going to be eight in October and my daughter will be three in April. Britney: Okay, fun ages. They are very ⁓ it's interesting that relationships really can start from when they like babies, like immediately when they're born. And so how does that work? ⁓ How was a trust relationship even started in infancy? Emily Thiel: Okay, so I mean, for moms, it's a little bit easier because obviously you're doing the work. You're carrying the baby you're nursing, all those kinds of things. But also for dads, when dads are showing up, they're changing the diaper, they're responding to the cries, they're feeding the baby, just quite simply showing up and meeting the baby's needs, talking calmly, ⁓ all of those fun things, and also supporting each other. People don't realize it, but even young infants. ⁓ can tell how the room is feeling. If you are having tension with your spouse, tension with your coworker, if it's at a childcare center, wherever it is, babies can feel that and they can absolutely pick up on that and that's gonna take, make an impact on how they're feeling too. That raises that anxiety. It makes them maybe a little more irritable, not able to soothe as as they normally would. So I think just showing up and maintaining that calm, especially for infants. And then of course, ⁓ talking with them, doing all of the loving things that parents do, also maintaining that calmness as well in the environment. Britney: Yeah, for sure. And there's different types of relationships, right? Like you just said, mom and dad are obviously going to be the pinnacle of those relationships. But then especially for those who are contacting you, they may also have a childcare worker or a daycare or an in-home helper or something like that. And so how does that work from when there's different types of relationships, there's obviously different fields within it. Like a mom is going to be super kissy-huggy, a childcare workers, that's not the relationship that's necessarily going to be there. And so even if we're talking about maybe toddlers or a little bit older than infants here, how do you feel like people who are not that immediate family member, they can help to build up nervous system of this child from a young age? Emily Thiel: Yeah, so even though obviously parents always the closest relationship, right? The strongest relationship that we want our kiddos to have. Also having a strong relationship with your childcare provider or aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, whoever it is that is spending a lot of time with your child as well is crucial as well. Because if they're spending time with this person while mom and dad are away, They also need to learn that they are safe with this person, that this person is going to look out for them. They're going to care for them. They're also going to meet their needs having all of those same basic skills set already, but also having that trust that they're safe and just knowing that, okay, when mom and dad are gone, I'm still safe here. Mom and dad are going to come back eventually, whether at the end of the day or however long it is. ⁓ ⁓ but just having that again, showing up, just having that person that is there and willing to help them when they're really struggling or whatever it may be feeding them, all of those important things and just sitting down and playing, just having that one-on-one time and engaging with them, showing them that they're important and listening to them. just having that, those good, deep conversations and saying, you know what I understand is hard when mom and dad leave. but we're gonna have fun here too. And you can only do that if you start to build up that trust because that child has to trust you or there's gonna be some behaviors that will happen. And that can be a struggle for both of you. So the more that you're able to really just genuinely connect with kids, the easier of a time that you'll have not having to navigate those behaviors and just feeling happy. Britney: I appreciate this topic because I do feel like in today's society there's a lot of pressure on parents to want their kid to be the best at things, you know? And so a lot of people have their babies and by the time the kids are sitting up they're like, this is blue, this is red, they're like trying to teach the educational stuff and you're kind of saying, well, I mean, you can do some of that, but like more importantly is just working on that relationship piece. Would you agree with that? Emily Thiel: A lot of early childhood is so focused on, like you said, ABCs, one, two, threes, colors, shapes, all that kind of stuff. And yes, that stuff is important, but no child will learn any of that until they feel safe and comfortable with whoever they're with. And that includes their teachers. It includes aunts, uncles, mom, dad, whoever it is, their peers in their classroom if they're in an early childhood environment. your relationships are the foundation for children to be able to literally do anything else. Because just like you and I, if we don't feel comfortable in a situation, whether it's somewhere new or with somebody we don't feel safe with or whatever it is, we're not going to stay there. We're going to leave. We're going to try to find an excuse to get out. And that's going to be the same for children. They have that same fight or flight instinct, but theirs is a little stronger because they don't have the capacity yet to know how to handle that. And that's where those really big behaviors come from. And especially in the early childhood field, when you have as a teacher and you have lots of little ones, I mean, in three, four year old classroom, you can have between 10 and 20 kids. That's a lot of kiddos to keep track of and to have them all feel safe. So making sure that your relationship with every single one of those kiddos is what's going to make your day flow better. And that's what's going to help them be able to learn. Cause if I don't like somebody, I'm probably not going to listen to what they have to say. And that's just a natural human being type thing. But oftentimes we're so geared towards that academic push that we forget that we need to lay the foundation first, which is those relationships and social skills. Britney: So as you're talking, I'm kind of thinking about how parents are so busy. They're so busy. And I think we're too busy in this world in the first place. But it's hard to just drop work off your plate. It just doesn't work that way. So especially for someone who is feeling like the adult to-do list is so big. Emily Thiel: Right. Britney: Let's talk about maybe some working parents right now. They are at work all day. They pick up their kiddo. They get home. They got to make dinner. They have kind of like limited time with the kiddo. Can you share some ideas for like big bang for your buck type activities that are going to help build that relationship in a short amount of time? Emily Thiel: Yeah, so something that my husband and I pride myself on are the car rides. Don't give them a phone in the car, no tablets, have that genuine conversation because a lot of times they just want to spill it all out. We did this today and we did that and this person did this to me and whatever it is. Have that short 5, 10, 15 minute car ride and just give your attention to them and listen to them and ask deep questions and ask open ended questions. ⁓ asking questions where it's not just a yes or a no, where they have to really think about and fully explain what they're talking about. Because that just helps them feel seen, it helps them feel heard. And then when you get home and you start the rush of dinner and baths and bedtime routines and all of that kind of stuff, it at least gives you that little bit of time where you're stuck in the same car anyway, right? So why not make use of that time and really build your connection? And the same can be said for like our kids love to help us fold clothes. It takes us a lot longer than it should, but it's also something that they look forward to every Sunday night when they know that we go upstairs, we fold clothes, and we do baths, and then we do our bedtime routine. So it's just another part of something that has to get done. But you're also teaching them those ⁓ skills again, folding clothes, taking care of yourself, but your kids in those things that you can include them with. can, it makes it fun not only for them, but for you too. It's a little stressful sometimes, when you fold the same pair of pants numerous times, but keeping in back of your mind what they're learning and the skills that they're building while they're doing that is crucial. Britney: Yeah. Yeah, and I also think about when my kids were younger, they're eight and ten now, so it looks a little bit different now. But when we would walk in the door, especially after school, I would try to, as much as I'm like, okay, I gotta do this and this and this and this, routine was they would get a snack and then we would all sit on the couch and I would read one book with them. And so in my head, I'm like, okay, this activity is going to take me 10 minutes. But at the same time, it's also showing them that like you are my priority when I'm getting home. I'm going to spend a little bit of time with you first so that then I can say, okay, now I need to go do this. And like they've had their snack. They've kind of had a moment to just chill out and take it, you know, take 10 minutes after school or after daycare or whatever people are coming home from. ⁓ I found that to be really effective when my kids were little is just. taking a few minutes first on the front end instead of maybe having moments where your kid is like, do this with me and you're like, just wait, I have to get this done. Just wait, just wait, just wait. Instead taking a few minutes with them ahead of time, getting what you need to get done and then trying to find more time after. And now that my kids are older, I know I've shared this on other podcasts as well. It's just, so impactful that I just keep sharing it is that I think that bedtime... For all of us adults, we are exhausted and we just want it to be over. But those are the times when I have the best conversations with my kids. And so even if you only picked one day a week and it was like Monday nights, we have snuggle time or talk time or whatever you want to call it. Just spending 15 minutes after the bedtime routine is done to just sit there and talk or giggle or look at the ceiling or just like observe little details around the bedroom or talk about Emily Thiel: you Britney: the picture that they drew that's on the wall and like, do you remember when? So those are a couple of things that come to mind for me that I feel like don't take that much time, but have been pretty impactful, I think for my kids. What would you say, because I think anyone can relate to this, what would you say to a parent who loves their children, they're truly doing their best, they are good engaged parents, but gosh, they feel like they screw up a lot, whether it's like raising their voice or Emily Thiel: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Britney: just snapping a little bit too often or being really busy and really not getting that much time with their kids, what would you say to them? Emily Thiel: I would say that you are not alone. Even the people, I am guilty of all of those things. We as parents have a really hard job. It is extremely hard to raise children and work all day, every day, whatever it is. It is incredibly hard. So you are not alone in that. And that is a lot of what we believe here at CCR &R. Same for childcare providers. Working dealing with children all day, every day, it's hard job. It's very stressful and it takes a lot out of you emotionally. you are never alone, whether you're a parent, you're a child care provider. And that is why a lot of our programming here has to do with that connections because relationships with your children matter, but also relationships in person also matter as well for you as caretaker. So we, at CCRNR, we are going to be having parent cafes. ⁓ which is a perfect resolution for that. It is a no judgment zone. It's kind of like speed dating is like the best way to explain it. So have a table host and there's five, four other parents there with you. And then we have talking cards ⁓ and cards just talk about the highs of the highs and the lows and the lows of parenting. And it's again, a judgment free zone. Everybody has struggled. Everybody is still struggling. I struggled this morning getting my kids out the door. So. Britney: Okay. Emily Thiel: I think if you're feeling that guilt as a parent, you're already a great parent because you're wanting to do better for your children. And that can be really hard to do when you're so packed with all of these things to do. But I think if you're even feeling like you need to do better, you're already doing better by self-reflecting and thinking about the things that you need to help your children do better as well. Britney: I love that as resource. I would definitely be interested in checking out more information about that, especially if my kids were still little. I mean, those are like, those are really hard years. Like, let's not lie about it. They're beautiful, but also they're like really, really hard in so many ways. What would you what would you say is like key for a parent to do or say if they mess up, especially for like toddlers where you're really just kind of Emily Thiel: Yeah. Britney: I tell my kids all the time, now that they're older, I'm like, they need to build up my trust tank, right? Like they need to be doing things that build up trust so that I can give them more independence. And then when they do something and it loses trust, I'm like, okay, that that really took your trust tank down. So it's like we have to do the same thing for our kids. If we mess up and we say words that came out out of anger or frustration or whatever, and we're like, then the parent starts toying with this. ⁓ Did I just traumatize my child and they're gonna like remember these words for the rest of their life and be completely screwed up? Or like will an apology truly kind of cover those because I did not mean to do it? So when somebody, when a parent messes up, how can you, what can you do or say to like mend that relationship, especially with those little kids that maybe can't have a full conversation or understanding around apology yet? Emily Thiel: Yeah, so I think it's always important to apologize. And then not only that, but explain why. Because if you can explain why, they can also identify, okay, yeah, that would make me feel that way, too. If you're explaining the why as to why you got upset, that will not only then help you in the future to recognize your own triggers so that you can hopefully try to kind of mend yourself before you start overflowing. But also it teaches your child to learn how to identify their own emotional triggers and things that are happening. If I get really excited, I did really good on ⁓ test and I'm super excited about it, then I'm going to yell, yeah, I did really great. I aced this test, you know, whatever. But if we get upset over something, a lot of times we just say, I'm mad and whatever it is, but nothing follows that. So if we can explain, ⁓ you your yelling makes me feel really overwhelmed. Next time I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to sit back and this is why it makes me feel that way. Because those again, your modeling behavior that you want your kids to do. So in the future, hopefully they can then take that skill that you did so much with them when they were younger. And then they're going to do it when they go to school, when they go to high school, when they go to college, when they're an adult with their own children. just explaining and always showing up after having that moment to reconnect. Just like you said, having the talk time, the cuddle time. just being present and showing them that you are sorry. And you want to mend that relationship. And there's always going to be moments of disconnect in parenting relationships. It's just, unfortunately, it's natural. They're hard, but children are also learning from that. They're learning how to cope and how to move on and mend relationships. even though, yes, ⁓ hard as parents, children are literally learning from those moments too. They're learning how to do that themselves. Britney: Yeah. Emily Thiel: So always keeping that in the back of your mind as well and always just showing up and being present. Britney: sure. ⁓ I feel like we have to touch on this subject for sure in this episode, especially because you've been in child care for over a decade now. But how do you feel technology has either become a benefit or a barrier ⁓ relationships? Emily Thiel: I think technology has its place. My children use technology. am not, so anything I say, am not, not completely against technology. However, I do feel like it's made an impact. Thinking things like videos, those kinds of things, those do not replace your relationships and the things that children are learning from you and from others. Miss Rachel does not. language skills, those come from real interactions with real people. Learning how to pause, wait for somebody else to speak, and then it's my turn to speak. Those come from real connections, real conversations with real people. a lot of times, yes, they're marketed as educational and yes, they're great. But realizing that where children are really learning are from real connections, real hands on life moments. ⁓ and having that real connection with real people. I think technology is great if you need, like you said, half an hour to get laundry done, dishes done, whatever it may be. But long, it shouldn't replace your time with your child at night. And I know that's hard to hear. I know we're all tired. I certainly am guilty of doom scrolling on my phone at home when you just feel like you need that mental break. ⁓ but also realizing as well that that child has waited nine, 10 hours all day long to see you. And they're so excited to be with you and just having that time. And if you're going to watch a movie, do it together or something like that. we've seen a rise in challenging behaviors and I've heard from a few, people the field who suspect maybe that watching things like the short videos. that those are leading to more of like impulse control issues because as they're getting that dopamine hit of scrolling through videos or whatever it is, they're not having the same patience and ability to wait their turn and doing things like that. So they're having more impulse control Whether true or not, I don't know. Those are just some theories that I've heard around the field that we're in right now. But I think technology can be okay. but I definitely feel ⁓ relationships are over the screens for sure. Britney: Well, I love the point that you made of conversational, you know, and how you really do need face-to-face conversation to learn those basic social skills, because I am hearing, my kids are still school-aged, but I am hearing that in high schools, like for people that I know that teach in high schools, they just don't have the social skills because they're so used to just staring at their phones. And it's like, okay, need to make sure we're protecting our kids from that. One thing before we close out this episode is as we were talking about ⁓ really like, especially with limited time with our kids, maximizing what makes them feel good is the book, The Five Love Languages for Children. That's a, if there's five languages for adults as well, so like getting to know your spouse, highly recommend these books. But there's also five love languages for children, and it's like if you can understand their love language, you can like the amount that you're putting into that trust tank, right, with the amount of time that you're spending. So I'll put a link to that in the show notes, but do you have any other books or resources that you would recommend for families regarding this relationship topic? Emily Thiel: Yeah. So something that we frequently use in the early childhood field that is both for early childhood programs and for parenting as well is something called conscious discipline. ⁓ with Dr. Becky Bailey, it really focuses ⁓ states of the brain. So it's, it's very scientific. It talks about ⁓ children need to be in their executive state, which is the front of your brain, ⁓ in order to be able to do anything. It talks about the fight or flight mode. talks about. how important relationships are. It talks about the connect and disconnect that we had talked about. It really focuses on the true child development and how the brain works, but it also focuses on yourself, how important your reactions and your emotions are to your child, and how important it is for you to be able to stop, take a breath, and then react. So I would highly, highly recommend it to anybody who works with children, whether you're parenting or you're working in the childcare field, whatever it is, highly, highly recommend. ⁓ Britney: We'll link to that in the show notes as well. So let's talk just briefly a little bit about CCRNR. I think a lot of parents are like, they could be thinking, I've never heard of this as a resource. So I am currently, if they're thinking, I'm currently looking for childcare, whether it's like a group setting or more like a licensed in-home type thing. And they wanted to work with you guys ⁓ find some childcare. How does that process work? Emily Thiel: Yeah, so they can walk into our office. located in Kimberly, Wisconsin. They can call our office or they can do an online referral search with us. online referral search is 24 seven so they can go on our website and do it anytime. So house a database that has all the regular child care programs in our area. So ⁓ we their information, we talk about things like what kind of environment they are hoping for their kiddo. Some parents really love family programs. Some parents really love group programs. Some families are like, find me a spot. I don't care where it is. talk about the importance of taking tours, asking questions, kind of a little bit of like the business, how childcare works, ⁓ tuition those kinds of things. We connect them to any community resources that they could need, whether it's diapers or subsidy payments for paying for childcare, those kinds of things. And then we take all that information and we put it in our database. And that database then generates a list of all the regulated child care options that are in their area. actually take it a step further and then we try to find those openings for them. Here in the Fox Valley, if you do a 10 mile search, there can be upwards of a hundred programs and no parent has the time to call a hundred programs. So we try to take that initiative and try to find those vacancies for them. So they can have to call maybe three, four programs versus a hundred. It saves parents a lot of time. Britney: That's amazing. Yeah. Emily Thiel: ⁓ But still in due diligence, taking the tours, about enrollment, the program, the policies, all that still falls on the parent. Because parents are the ones who make the choice for their kids. We don't ever want to do that. ⁓ parents are always responsible for making sure that they're getting their kiddos in the right kind of environment. And if they're still not finding anything, we follow up in a couple weeks asking how's it going? Did you tour any places that you liked? Can we help? run the search again or if there's anything else that we can help with as well. So we're making sure that we're following up because sometimes it gets put on the back burner or something else pops up that we have to deal with or whatever it is. we always make sure we follow up as well. Britney: That sounds so great. Making it less stressful for the parents, right? Well, we will link to your website and your social medias and all that jazz in the show notes. Thank you, Emily, for joining me and for sharing about your experience as well as the resources you guys have at CCRNR. Emily Thiel: Yes. Thanks for having me.