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Transcript

The Secret to Great Relationships · The No Cry Zone

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every night, every car, it's called Every car over just science to get home alive.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every night it's placed again.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: The dreams we had a way back when.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow we begin the news with little news to do.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I waste, by a waste, your ways, my ways.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Flip a coin or phone a friend.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Play for keeps or just pretend.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is the no-cry zone for a sharper take on life.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, I'm Jim Best, and I'm glad to have you here.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Today's fabulous music is a song by that band, Brazen Candor.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: The song is titled Highways and Byways.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, be on the lookout for Sunday Song Day, a new feature at our daily blog Upwardsbest.com.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: We give you a behind the scenes glimpse, an ear to the wall, I suppose, of new unreleased music by Brazen Candor, and invite you to tell us what you think.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun, and we always welcome your feedback.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to continue something we introduced recently.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: I believe it can become one of the most practical relationship frameworks you'll ever use.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the variable approach to positive relationships.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: You may recall that is V A R I capitalized.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why in a moment.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: This week we're going to see how to transform your new knowledge into a powerful high impact skill.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: You might not need this reminder, but I feel better providing it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, I'm aware that we have new listeners each week.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: So here is the formula.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Very stands for four qualities that you can bring into every relationship value, appreciation, respect, and integrity.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Notice something important, as all the no-cry zone insiders do.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't about waiting for other people.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: We don't hem and haw and declare they've got to earn it first.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's like sitting in front of the fireplace and saying, Give me some heat, then you'll get some wood.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I just going to repeat this because I've seen how reluctance, yes, the subtle saboteur harms relationships.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Someone's got to make the first move.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: It may as well be you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: It isn't about asking, why don't people appreciate me?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: It isn't about asking why do people not respect me?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: The variable approach asks a completely different question.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: What can I consistently bring into this relationship?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Bring value, bring appreciation, bring respect, bring integrity.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships may vary, people certainly vary, and of course circumstances vary.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: But the qualities you bring don't have to.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I call it the variable approach.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's what I think most relationship advice does wrong.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: We hear people say I want better relationships.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Of course you do, but that's too vague.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine someone saying, I want better health.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, which habit are you gonna work at?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Nutrition, exercise, sleep, stress reduction?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships are exactly the same.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't try to improve relationships in general on mass, as they say.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Don't try to improve all of your relationships.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Improve a relationship one at a time.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the exercise.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to write down the names of the five people whose relationships are most important to you currently.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Not fifty, five.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna say something about your list.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: First, if you do not have five, that is definitely not a good indication.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Secondly, if key people such as your spouse, your children, your boss, an important coworker aren't on your list, that may point to a problem as well.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some of you may have more than five.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: For the sake of this exercise, narrow it down.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe things are good with your parents and they'll wonder why you're suddenly calling them more often.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe things are great with your kids and they're trying to become more independent.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just don't assume important relationships are on autopilot.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we just need to keep the plates spinning.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now, once you have decided on the current key five, and it may change, but the current key five, for instance, these might be your spouse, a son or daughter, a close friend, a business partner, a parent, a sibling, a mentor, someone you lead, someone who has been there for you.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't overthink it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Simply identify the five people whose relationships have the greatest influence on the quality of your life currently.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now ask yourself a better question.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: How can I bring more value, appreciation, respect, and integrity into each of these relationships this week?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Break it down.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Where can I bring more value?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Where can I express more appreciation?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Where can I demonstrate greater respect?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Where can I live with greater integrity?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Notice, this puts you back into the control.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: The no-cry zone has never been about trying to control other people.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's about controlling what you contribute.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot force someone to appreciate you.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot force someone to respect you.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: But you can become someone who consistently brings value, appreciation, respect, and integrity.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: What a great thing to be remembered for.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a completely different way of living, isn't it?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the beautiful part.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Even if someone fails to respond well, and that may happen, you've still become a better person for it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's always a worthwhile investment.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let's take this one step further after the break.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Give a listen a brazen candor and stick with me.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I see more fantastic relationships in your future.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Every morning, everybody is going.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Every freeway is just overflowing.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hoping there's no traffic jams.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know me, I surely am.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Life is a state of the toys on coasts.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Find a way to deal with these toasts.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: We don't think we know where we're going.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth says no way to know.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your face, my face on a friend.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So just pretend.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Home again.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are then.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: There we are now.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Home again somehow.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, where were you?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: What took you so long?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Ha, gotta have some fun, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: I get a lot of people asking me, where are you now?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Folks had some fun with last week's story about the mosquito in Kenya.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: So today I'm coming to you from beautiful San Diego, California.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: But later this week I will be back in London.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Then you will have a hard time following my whereabouts for a while.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: But I will give an update each week in the No Cry Zone.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now back to today's topic.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: You've identified your five people.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Here's where the exercise becomes powerful.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Spend about five minutes thinking about each one.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's roughly 30 minutes total.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: A fantastic investment.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself, what one thing could I do this week to strengthen this relationship?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Not someday this week.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's a phone call.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's lunch.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's buying donuts and a coffee and bringing it over to them.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's writing a handwritten note.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's saying thank you.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you have to apologize.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's asking better questions.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's listening instead of talking.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's simply showing up for them.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, think how practical this is.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, most people struggle naming the current five key relationships.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: You're already one up on them.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I've rarely met anyone that takes these relationships and says, What can I do this week to improve it?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of trying to become better at relationships, you're becoming better at five specific relationships.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we're calling this specific relationship skills.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: They are specific skills, but they're also for specific relationships.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's quite clever, but that's how we do things in the no-cry zone.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: You're becoming better at five relationships, one intentional act at a time.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let's apply V A R I.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: For one person, bringing value might mean solving a problem.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: For another, bringing appreciation might mean sincerely thanking them for something they've done or simply who they are in your life.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: For someone else, bringing respect might mean giving them your full attention instead of checking your phone.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: And for another, bringing integrity might mean finally doing something you've promised to do for them.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Different people, different needs, same framework.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the fascinating part.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: After you've worked through all five people, look for patterns.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Did you notice that several relationships would improve if you communicated more?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: If so, you gotta work on your communication, and communication becomes the habit for you to develop.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Did several relationships need more appreciation?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Then gratitude should become your focus.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Did several people simply need more encouragement?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Become more consistently encouraging.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you noticed that reliability kept coming up.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Strengthen your integrity.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: The individual actions improve individual relationships.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: The patterns improve every relationship so that it impact stretches out way past the current five relationships you're focusing on.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's where your real growth begins.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I'm so excited to give you this approach.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships rarely become extraordinary because of one dramatic gesture.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: You've probably tried that.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Relations become extraordinary because of repeated intentional acts.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Small investments repeated consistently.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: One more encouraging word, one more expression of gratitude, one more promise kept, one more thoughtful call, one more act of kindness.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Those things accumulate just like trust accumulates, just like respect accumulates, just like appreciation accumulates.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: So here's my challenge for you this week.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Identify your current five.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Spend 30 intentional minutes.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Choose one action for each person.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Bring more value, bring more appreciation, bring more respect, bring more integrity, and watch what happens.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: You may discover that the fastest way to improve relationships isn't thinking about relationships, it's thinking about the people in your life.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: One relationship at a time.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because better relationships aren't found, they're not stumbled into, they are built.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: And every time you bring value, appreciation, respect, and integrity into someone else's life, you strengthen your own character at the same time.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's the no-cry zone way.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: No waiting, no excuses, no hoping someone else changes.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Become the person who brings value, appreciation, respect, and integrity wherever you go.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, become an insider.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Sign up for Upwards Best, the daily dose of personal growth elixir.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love that word.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm a word guy.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Watch for the next Sunday song day.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: New unreleased music that moves, lyrics that matter from brazen candor.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Make yourself a fabulous week.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Keep in mind they are free of charge and you can have as many as you'd like.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy your relationships and remember, take the initiative.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: Join me next week.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be looking for you!
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone and everybody is going.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Every freeway is just too close.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Open there's no traffic challenge.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I should stay to the story on close.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Last way to be close to it.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think we know where we go.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: But there's no way no highway, five, last way, so just fold.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Every car to get home, every night again.
• 17:10
  unknown: Your face,