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306. Why Good Emotional Intimacy Keeps You From Having Bad Sexual Intimacy · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship it's the ultimate intimacy podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and today's episode is Good.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Emotional Intimacy Keeps you From Having Bad Sexual Intimacy.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Does it?
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: I think, it does yeah.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, For most couples.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Absolutely it does.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Hopefully, hopefully it does.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: How can you have good sexual intimacy if you're having bad emotional intimacy, or vice versa?
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: I.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I could see it working that way.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I could see, yeah, if the emotional intimacy isn't amazing, the sexual intimacy is not going to be strong.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: But I could see it not working the other way.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I could see the men putting a ton of emotional intimacy into the marriage and still not having great sexual intimacy.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: That's where the disconnect happens sure, and we get a lot of men reaching out to us and saying I cook, I clean, I do this, I do this, and she doesn't want anything to do with me.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: So, just like we say in every single episode, a disclaimer we recognize that this is not 100%, this does not fit everyone, but we're talking to the majority of couples and I would say for the majority of couples, like if the emotional intimacy is good, the sexual intimacy is probably going to be pretty good as well.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Or better, Because yeah, or better or better.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Because if you're a spouse or a wife that is constantly rejecting your husband, you're probably not going to have good emotional intimacy as well.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: For sure, for sure, for sure, right, like we talk about how often they go hand in hand.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Correct.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: And we'll get a little bit.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: We'll be a little bit different today in how we approach things with the podcast, but you know talking about why, if you truly do have good emotional intimacy, the chances of having good sexual intimacy, or are having the chances of having bad sexual intimacy, are going to be slim correct and we took a survey I love your polls, baby you do.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: You got great that you do great polls and we get good feedback okay, should we jump into the survey?
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: let's do it people laugh when we say the word poll, so.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: So I always pick survey over poll.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: But it's the same thing, right?
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what's wrong with polls?
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know we start out when we say we took a big poll and they're all like wait what?
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know what that means.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's an inside joke that we're missing, or something, maybe I don't know.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: They have a dirty mind, I don't know.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, um, I asked hold on, I'm just trying to pull it up.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I asked what does?
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Okay, well, first let's go with the numbers.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Is emotional connection important to you husbands?
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: I wanted to know.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: We all, like it's a hundred percent for women that emotional connection, emotional intimacy, is important to women, like I don't think I've ever heard a wife say no on that, so that's like 100%.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: So I wanted to know what the men had to say about this, like do you want emotional connection too?
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: 84% said very important.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Of course I do.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: 84%, 12% said not so much and 4% says I don't know what, what that is.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: This is why we keep doing podcast episodes on emotional intimacy.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: So intimacy because they don't know.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Four percent don't know what that is and if, if the other 12 said not so much, that probably means they don't really know what it is either.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Because I think the majority of men are already getting emotional intimacy, which is why they probably think they don't need it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: But men absolutely need it too.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Agreed oh yeah, for sure you were gonna say something.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I had a lot of things going through my mind and I I honestly forgot what I was gonna say, but I was.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: I was thinking it was pretty important.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So let's not have been that important because I not a lot of work.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I totally thinking it was pretty important, so let's not have been that important because I totally spaced it.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: But yeah, again, this is something we talk about often, but why so you said about what 84% of men feel emotional intimacy is important.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Is very important.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: So why, then, do so many couples struggle with having good emotional intimacy?
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: Because a lot of couples do struggle with that.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of reasons why does the average couple only talk 11 minutes a day?
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: Why?
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: do couples not do date night.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: That's easy to answer.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to answer it?
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I mean, I think you know what?
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: Your answer is going to be what?
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: is it?
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: What's my answer?
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Distractions, sorry, distractions, sorry, distractions, absolutely.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: And not having, not just just get, I think a lot of times just getting lazy.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Lazy I was going to say distractions, lazy putting other things first, putting your phone first, not caring anymore and in marriage it's.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: It's really easy when, when it takes both of you right.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: So when one spouse is maybe not putting forth the effort immediately, the other spouse is like, well, I'm not going to put forth the effort.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: So you often see both spouses really either not not addressing it, not saying anything, or not putting forth efforts because so.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: So it is tougher, just like trying to find time for sexual intimacy right, the stars have to almost align, and I think the same thing is with emotional intimacy.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: Both of you, you know not being distracted at the same time.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Both of you like almost coming together to have good conversations and that's why we talk about often, like why some of our best conversations maybe happen when we're in the shower together or when we're walking Like we make a conscious effort, you and I, to get in situations to where it almost like forces good emotional intimacy to happen.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: Right, and force maybe isn't a good word, but controlled control when you get in those situations.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: You're going to probably have good, good communication.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: You're going to be talking, you're going to have the things that happen to have good communication.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: But you almost have to, in my opinion, schedule it or or do things that are going to make it so you can have those good times.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: If you're just expecting those to just happen, naturally they probably aren't right.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Like if I'm sitting on the couch on my phone and amy's in the bedroom doing something and we're just always kind of doing our own thing and not making time for those things to happen, then they're not going to happen Absolutely.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Man, I got long-winded, I'm sorry.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: That was good.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: It was good.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I think that we're very selfish like humans.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I think that when our needs aren't getting met the way we want them or the way we feel like they need to be, like you said, we kind of just like, well, I'm not going to fulfill their needs.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Then like I think it's really easy for couples to just be like I'm not getting what I need, therefore I'm not going to give anymore, like a good marriage really just takes one person, like giving even when they're not getting it, to try and balance that, that, that gap out right.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Because when both people start acting like that, like I'm not getting everything I need, I'm going to tap out on your needs that disconnect just gets deeper and deeper until somebody gives them and be like this isn't working, this isn't working, which is what is it?
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: We've been through that yeah, absolutely.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: In fact, we were on a walk last night and we stopped and talked to a couple and they just looked like an amazing couple.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: They just moved in, they were sharing how they almost got divorced and and separated for X amount of months.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: And I'm looking at him, what I'm thinking?
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: This looks like a really, really good couple.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: But he made a comment.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: He said we just grew apart we just grew apart so, but that was a very powerful comment, because if you grew apart, grow group.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, grew apart yeah the chances are you probably weren't doing those things to connect emotionally.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: You were focused on something else.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: That's what it is.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: It's focusing on something else.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: What's awesome is they figured it out.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: They're obviously working on things and it looks like probably doing pretty well, but I would bet if we were to talk to them I'll bet you anything that everything changed with the good emotional intimacy.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: They probably started having conversations.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: They probably started spending more time together and focusing.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: In fact, that's true because the wife said our whole marriage we focused on the kids.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: She said that.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: She said our whole marriage we focused on the kids.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: We didn't focus on our relationship.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: That's what I say in focus.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: It's all about focus.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: So if you are a couple out there that feels like, hey, you're focusing more on your kids or focusing on other things in life versus each other, um, that's you know.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: You need to reverse that well, if you think about it, you're like, well, I'm being such a good mom or a good dad like I'm focusing on my kids.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: They need me, they like they're most important, like we.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: That's our job is to focus on our kids and to raise our kids and give them all this stuff and do all this stuff for them.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: What happens, like on this, like this couple and so many other couples, we know that when the kids all start moving out, you get divorced or split up or whatever.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: What did that just do to those kids?
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Because half the stuff that you did they're never going to remember growing up.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Right, like all the stuff you gave them, all the places you took them.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Like there's a big chunk that your kids will never remember, but that one thing, like you putting them first, is now going to crush their soul.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Right, like kids would rather get like not all that attention growing up.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying not give your kids you know what I'm trying to say that that healthy balance there, but to have amazing parents that are are still in love and have that family unit still held together.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Like they're much gonna pick that over all the sports or all the things that you put them in and constantly neglecting your marriage like I.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I guarantee you could ask even adult children and teenagers.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Well, and kids, of course, just any age, even the ones that are like older and adult kids watch their parents get divorced.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: It wrecks them.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: It wrecks them no matter age.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: I come from divorced parents it wrecks, no matter what the age is.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: So I can guarantee if you feel, oh, I'm being such a good parent because I'm putting my kids first.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Once their teenagers are old enough to understand what this all looks like, they're going to say I'd much rather you and dad, or vice versa stay together.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and what I find amazing is, oftentimes we're putting our efforts into things that we think are really good, right.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: We feel we think, oh, we're we're focusing a hundred percent on our kids, right, like that is a that's well intended and that's a.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: That's where that's a good thing, but then other things suffer significantly because we are focusing on that good thing.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: What I'm, what I'm trying to say is it's, it's kind of crazy because, yeah, we're focusing on a good thing, but then other things get destroyed, and so we really do need to be very mindful of what we are focusing on.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: And again, we've said this a hundred times your marriage has to be number one.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: You can focus on your marriage first, and everything else down the line will be successful, but the second you take your marriage out of that number one spot and that goes to two or three, then your marriage is going to fall apart and everything else is going to fall apart.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: If your marriage is not at the top spot, you're in trouble or you're going to be eventually.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Right, okay, so let's dive into what emotional intimacy looks like, because 4% of the audience of the husband said I don't know what that is, even though we talk about it constantly.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: So the question I asked our audience was what is emotional intimacy to you Like?
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: What does that look like?
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: So I'll read a few of these, um just, and then we'll talk about what it is.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: But spending time doing things with me outside of just sex.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: So we actually get a lot of complaints from wives that say, um, I noticed he steps it up with the quality time, he steps it up with the talking and with the romance, like just when he wants something and that makes it makes a woman feel used, right, like like she's only wanted for that.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: That is not emotional connection.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: So we'll get into that.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: The other one said effort to give your spouse what they need.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: That is emotional intimacy.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Asking to cuddle in bed and just talk with me, touching, talk kindly to each other and do acts of service for each other, understanding and supporting my needs and emotions instead of trying to criticize them.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Being present, taking time to just hold each other, saying I love you, leaning in and actually paying attention in conversation, being curious, being kind, asking questions.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Let's see, anytime my husband spends time with me that isn't related to sex emotional see see women feel loved through emotional intimacy and men feel loved typically through sex.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: I know this can go the other way, but for the majority that's how it works.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, like, if you want a great sex life, like we always say, you got to put in the effort into emotional intimacy, just like you did when we were you were dating.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Emotional intimacy is feeling safe, seen and understood by another, no matter what emotional intimacy is caring and asking about me, not let's safe to share both of us.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Um, let's see, my wife complains that she can't have sex until things are sorted in her mind, even from the past.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: So for that one, it would be important to you know, figure out how, how, what do you want to talk about?
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: How can we get things off your plate?
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: How can we sort these out Right, like just listening and caring?
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Um, sharing my innermost thoughts and not being judged being safe to share.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: A good listener puts my needs as a priority.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Open communication that is both delivered and received with love and respect.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Two people on the same page, with true understanding of each other's needs, sharing difficult things with my wife and her feeling like she can share things back with me.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Same tenderness that is expressed after being intimate.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I like that.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: One solid communication, one listening and one speaking.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: We are the most important people in each other's lives.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: When I become the focus and not outside things.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: If we're spending time, there's no distractions.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: I mean I could go on and on and on, but feeling desired, pursued and special, flirted with, and having deep conversations like you can tell how these are actually half men and half women.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: So it just shows you that that men need connection outside the bedroom too.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: Like like you really do, like you can say yes, I feel loved through being intimate, but you also want to feel loved in other ways, right?
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: yeah, yeah, and as we, as we of course, talk about often, I think that's the the delicate dance, excuse me is, you know, when husbands aren't feeling like their wives enjoy them sexually, they they kind of stop ignoring or start ignoring the emotional intimacy, and then that causes issues.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: So all of a sudden you're in a situation where you've got no emotional intimacy and no sexual intimacy, or very little right, and both spouses are unhappy.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: And we see this all the time.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: We hear from husbands, some wives too, but all the time where it's like well, my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me, why am I going to put forth any effort?
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: And so that just grows the divide further and further apart.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: And so, again, why we're saying good emotional intimacy keeps you from having bad sexual intimacy, but it's got to be.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: You know, it's not just all the emotional intimacy.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Is what I'm saying right For situations where husbands are just doing everything they can and trying to make their wife happy and their wife's just like, nope, we're not going to be making love, which does happen.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: But again, like we said, for most couples good emotional intimacy does keep you from having the bad sexual intimacy.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm going to share real quick before we dive into kind of ways to get it.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I am going to share three quotes from Lauren Crenn.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: He says intimacy without safety is not intimacy, it is trauma.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: When our heart does not feel safe, it closes.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Just because intimacy with a closed heart has become normalized, it does not mean it is normal.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: A closed heart has become normalized, it does not mean it is normal, it is a form of numbness.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Um I, I, I think that's really good because like that's I can't remember who said this, but someone said a woman spends so much time checking to see if she feels safe and I don't think men understand that.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Like emotional connection and emotional intimacy is not romance, it's literally her feeling safe.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Like does, is he loyal?
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Is he there for me?
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Can I be myself around him?
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Like safety, like emotional safety.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: Women spend a lot of time before sex making sure that they feel safe and so it comes down to does she feel safe with you in all these ways of being able to express who she is and express her needs, and goes vice versa.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: He also states nothing creates more safety than knowing you can bring up anything with your spouse and they will not judge you.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: They will actively listen to you and try to understand you, even if it's challenging for them to hear.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: That is what emotional safety looks like to me.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I totally agreed with that.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Last one I'm going to share from him says being a powerful man in today's world no longer just means being a provider or protector.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Being a powerful man in today's world means having a regulated nervous system, being emotionally available, stable and safe for her.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I think that's really important because when we're talking about emotional connection, emotional safety and emotional intimacy kind of all the same thing like this really comes down to this podcast, like I know.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I mean we talk about sexual intimacy and all that all the time, but like this really comes down to this is what your wife needs for you to have a great sex life yeah.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: So we're kind of giving you the pointers right, do these things.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: And in a lot of our podcast episodes, do these things.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: And this is most likely going to happen.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Right, right, try to try, because us I mean me included right, I just, I think I think we as men are just like tell us what we need to do.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Right, what, what do you need from us?
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: And I don't, I don't want to sound like, oh, women all just just have to tell us what to do.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: That's not.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: We don't want that, but we're more complex.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: So sometimes we we need to tell you like this is what I need.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: What did what does this even look for?
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Like, look at the men.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: They were like I don't know what this means.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: Like, like, like you just said, just tell me, tell me what you need.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: And so, instead of you having to ask your wife say tell me what you need, like you don't know, we're telling you right now.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel listened to.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Very important.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: And that's going to happen through the ways that we're going to talk about, to build good emotional intimacy, right yeah.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: So, like you said, said I think that's very important um, when you have good emotional intimacy, that's going to build trust and safety and and I hear you talk about that often in our marriage as well, this is feeling trusted and safe and things like I.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I think that the trust comes from, like, when we express something, if you actually are listening and caring, then you're going to.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: You're going to care.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm trying to say.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Like you're going to care.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: When we express something that's hurting us or something that's worrying us or stressing us out, you're going to care.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: That's where emotional intimacy comes.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Like you actually care.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Like how can I help you with that?
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: How can I take that stress off you?
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: How can I be a better husband in that area and this goes both ways.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Like I feel like wives should do this too.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: I don't want to put this all on men.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: But if your husband let's, let's do it both ways.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Your husband walks in the door after a long day of work and he's exhausted Emotional intimacy would be like like how was your day, honey?
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Is there anything I could do to make help you relax?
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: Or I'm so sorry that your day was stressful.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Let me, maybe I can give you a shoulder, mr shaw, so like like expressing he wants to feel safe too.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: He wants to know that his wife is there for him, to listen to him.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Let you know, ask him about his work day and and and care it goes both ways.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: And I would say, if there's one, one single thing that a couple can do better to have really good emotional intimacy, it would be communication.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: If couples just talked more, so many things would get resolved.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: Um, there would be so much more emotional.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Uh, better, I mean better emotional intimacy, better connection in every way.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: I feel like that's kind of the key.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I mean, obviously there's a lot more things, but if you're talking openly about things, then you're going to be talking openly about you know what can we do better and how can we help each other better.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: And and here you know, here's how I feel and here's how I feel, and I mean it's all.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: It all really comes down to that and and again, so so many couples do not have that good communication it's.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: It's a learned thing.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: I really do think it's learn, learning it and practicing it.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: It really is, because I think there were times that we weren't super good at it.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: Oh, we were awful for a while.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because a lot of time is one person's talking, talking, talking.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: The other person is absolutely not listening, Like I don't care, I've got other stuff on my mind.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Like that messes up the communication.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: If you want good communication, you have to listen.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: Well, and when you don't have good communication, you're going to have a lot of misunderstandings, you're not going to be on the same page, but when you have good communication, you're going to be understanding each other a lot better, right?
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: So you're not going to have the miscommunications and the probably as many fights or arguments or even bigger assumptions.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: You're not going to be making assumptions.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Um I, there's, there's so many things that get covered under that blank of having that good communication but back to prioritizing your marriage.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: Like if, if your wife or your husband really is your number one, like you really want to show them that then you, when you ask them a question or how is the day, you're not going to be on your phone, you're not going to be having something else on your mind.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: You're genuinely caring about how their day was and what you can do to make their day better.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: Like when your spouse is your number one.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: You're going to treat communication differently.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, let's just go talk.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: You're going to care about what they're going through, right?
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: It's deeper.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: I think the whole thing with emotional connection that we're trying to say is it's deeper.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I think the whole thing with emotional connection that we're trying to say is that it's deeper.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: It's like knowing your spouse deeper than surface level, Like so many couples like don't know how to communicate.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, communication is just a start.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Like you got to learn how to ask each other questions and you got to learn how to deeply care and know them, know them inside and when you're talking and having good communication, it reduces so much stress and anxiety as well, because you you as a, as a spouse don't feel like you have to deal with everything on your own.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: Right now, You're working together as a team.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: You're working together to resolve problems or to resolve stressful situations or handle stressful things going on in your life, Whereas when you're not communicating, it's more like you're each of you are taking all those things on as your own Right and and not really figuring out what the solutions are, because you're not communicating about it.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: So that that as well, when you're talking, you're going to be less stressed, be less anxious, which no one, no one wants to make love when they're feeling stressed and anxious.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Well, men, do but women don't.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: Women don't.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: No, we are much more complex.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: We got to let all of those emotions like be at a really good place for that to happen.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, this is why we're so different.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Right like it's, it's hard, it's hard to find that balance oh it is.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: It is really hard it's hard.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: I mean that's why we're talking a couple times a week on these podcasts.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I mean we're obviously we're implementing things in our life and constantly trying to make our relationship better.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: Um, yeah, just it.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: It takes effort, it's tough, it is tough.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: We totally get it like marriage.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: Marriage is not easy and it's continual work and just striving to always put effort in and we have to remember that when you're stressed out, when you're tired, when you're hungry, when you don't feel good, when you're literally stressed to the max, like you become like kind of a different version of yourself right.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: So if this was like it.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Like your, your spouse leaves in the morning or you leave in the morning if you both work.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: However, that looks like in your house, and it's quick in the morning and the kids are up and you're getting them off, like off to school, whatever.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: By the time you see each other at the end of the day, you're tired already.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: Right, like you're tired already.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Some you might have been stressed out from work or the stuff the kids are going through, and then you're exhausted on top of that.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: And then, all of a sudden, you're like this is the time we're supposed to hang out together.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: There's so much going on, it's 10, 30 am.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: I'm exhausted already no, you're not, so my point was I'm sorry, so I'm gonna throw a joke in there.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: Sorry, my bad, my bad.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: Your point was my point was is it's hard?
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: it is hard it is hard.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: It is hard like I was, for for years I tried to be in the stay-at-home mom and then I was a stay-at-home mom running a business from home, full-time.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: And by the time I saw Nick I was exhausted and I was tired and I was stressed and there were a lot of things going on with work and with the kids and and then you're not able sometimes to give yourself, give your spouse, your best self for sure you know.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: So you got to be patient with each other too, like when your spouse comes in and be like I'm tired too, too.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Let's just be tired together.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: Let's go climb in bed when these.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Let's get these kids to bed and go climb in bed together and just hold each other Like that's where emotional intimacy comes in and be like I know you had a hard day.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: So did I.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Your hearts are going to look different.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Your experiences during the day are going to look different.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Just embrace each other.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: So so what do you think it means to be vulnerable and how?
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: How do you think like vulnerable, being vulnerable, or that vulnerability helps build emotional intimacy?
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: I know, for for me, like when we're having deep discussions, obviously I'm going to be a lot more likely to open up and share, like more of my feelings and maybe difficult things and things like that, and maybe difficult things and things like that.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like women want their husbands to be vulnerable and open up?
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: To a point.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we can go back into that masculine-feminine balance where I think men this is where it's really hard on husbands, I think like finding that balance because we're like, oh be vulnerable.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: be open with us, but not too much.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to be like wussy and weak right.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Be strong, but not too strong.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Be strong, but not too strong, Like it's a hard balance on men Because women are soft and open and vulnerable and emotional and all these things and that's okay.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: But these things and that's okay.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: But a man has to find that balance where he's like that's it's.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: It's hard pursue me sexually, but not too much.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: Who's saying that?
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm just talking about all the things like that.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: Men have to find a balance and oh for the woman.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: Pursue her sexually, but not yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, me sexually, but not too much yeah, yeah, well, we hear that a lot because it's like a wife's like I want him to desire me sexually.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: When he like cause the high drive women that the wives that like their husband literally doesn't presume sexually, they're heartbroken.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: Am I attractive?
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Am I?
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: What's going on Like why don't you want me like that anymore?
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: That's heartbreaking.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: But then you've got your wives that like don't touch me, I don't want to do that, I don't like that's tricky.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: That's where a good communication comes in so maybe ask your wife what is, what does vulnerability look like to you?
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Where, where do you?
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: How vulnerable do you want me to, want me to be?
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Because that is a tricky balance.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: It's kind of not fair, yeah, it's kind of not fair for men, unless you have it figured out do you?
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Agree, yeah, I agree, I, yeah, you agree.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I mean we've talked about this before Like men are just reading the blog post, you know title, and women are, you know, just give me the meat of it.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: And women are getting into the details, and I mean that's just how we are right.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: I think, men, we're pretty simple and women are a little less simple sometimes.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: We have a more complex mind and body than you, so sorry.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: We were just created that way.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: I'll apologize for all of us, but that is just who we are.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: But I think that helps balance each other out right right like right without you being grounded in the way you are in so many ways I'd be.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: I'd be totally a mess and I think vice versa, right, vice versa yeah, vice versa, you'd probably be okay um, I just think we're different we are different I think we're different and we already discussed that, so I'll jump to the next one.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, as we wrap this up, I think kind of the final thing is, when you have good emotional intimacy too, you're going to naturally address relationship issues that you have.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: And as I look back on the times that we were struggling and we didn't have great emotional intimacy, we weren't addressing the relationship issues that we had.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: And I should say more, so I wasn't addressing the relationship issues we had Totally, I totally agree with that.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: So, um, but like we've talked about and shared many, many times, when we started connecting emotionally and sexually, it's like, oh, we could start having these tough conversations together and really just be able to talk about anything.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I want to point out the video that we shared last night on Instagram.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I was talking about how many husbands said that if their wife would pursue or initiate or just even like act excited about being intimate more in the relationship that so many husbands from that survey said I would treat her like royalty, I would bend over backwards to do stuff for her.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: I would be romantic again if she would just pursue me sexually and we hear so many husbands say that.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: So even though we're talking about like emotional intimacy always comes first, like you have to have that safety, that connection.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: I do agree with that.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: But finding that balance comes from both putting each other and what you need and talking about those needs first okay, but I don't agree that emotional intimacy always comes first, because you're thinking romance.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: You're like every other guy.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: We're not talking about romance.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: We're talking about emotional intimacy.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: We just talked about feeling safe.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: That always comes first I that always comes first I get that, but in a general sense, when women say, well, I need to have all my emotional needs met before I'm willing to do these things with you, um, I think that's, and we talk about it, that's the toxic game that couples play, like we did in a podcast okay, so, okay.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: So I I opened up a can.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: Now we're going to talk about this you just opened up a can okay I'm not saying a husband can just ignore his wife and not treat her well and not be trusted and expect that they're going to be intimate.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying a husband can just ignore his wife and not treat her well and not be trusted and expect that they're going to be intimate.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that at all but you're thinking along with all the other men now when you say that doesn't come first.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Doesn't always come first it's like a chicken and the egg did we?
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: but we didn't list one thing today that was romantic, correct?
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Not one, correct.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: We talked about feeling safe, feeling vulnerable and feeling loved, like, in a sense that, like you're a good husband, she feels like she can talk to you, she feels like she can listen to you.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: That's emotional safety for sure that comes, you don't.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: You just said I don't know that that always has to come first I'm just saying they're just like in anything else, there has to be some give and take.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: Right, there has to be some give and take.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: I yeah if that's there, then there should be given to exactly.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying but 84 percent agreed that emotional intimacy was important.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Men our survey said that 84 percent of the men said the emotional intimacy absolutely is so important and I am saying 100 percent that emotional intimacy is so important I am.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I agree you just said it doesn't always have to be first.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: No I think this is this is where men this is where men and women and husband and wives look at this differently.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is where it gets tricky that's all husband.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Husbands think that we're talking about romance and that everything has to be perfect and ever I, we didn't say anything about taking her out on a date.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: We didn't say anything about having to compliment her and speak her love language and romance her and show up in flowers.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: Literally all we talked about for emotional safety is letting her be listened to, communication and feeling safe and vulnerable.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: Those are the basis and those should be those are 100 need to come first yeah, and those should be like just natural, like you should like those should be.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: You say natural because you're good at those, because you're a healthy person.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying those should be things that husbands should just and wives that couples should just naturally provide each other anyways.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: But they don't.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: But they don't.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: That's why I'm saying like this is where this sticks.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: We're not saying that you have to go be this amazing husband and be all romantic and cook dinner and do all these things and and and and check off everything on her, check emotional checklist.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: That's not what we're saying some husbands they might have wives that require that that's not okay yeah that's not what we're saying.
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: is that okay?
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: Well, that that is a step above emotional intimacy.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: We're talking about the basis that our 100 need to come first.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: That's feeling loved, that's feeling respected.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: To come first, that's feeling loved, that's feeling respected, that's feeling trust, that's feeling connection.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: Like there is no loving husband out there that wouldn't agree that those four things come before sex is going to be great.
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with that.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: Sorry, I was being a little broader.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: I knew you agreed with that, but, like, if we're talking about the things we talked about today, we're not talking about all the way to romance your wife.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: That's a whole other episode.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: I was jumping ahead of myself, totally jumping ahead of myself.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: Well, 84% agreed that emotional intimacy is so important in a loving marriage.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: So the other four didn't know what we were talking about, so I'm going to add that to the.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: Now that they do, they're probably going to agree with the 84 and the other 12.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: Hopefully you now agree, now that you understand it better so just to wrap this whole podcast up in like 30 seconds you you need to have good communication.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: If have good communication with your spouse and if you're having good communication, I think everything else is going to follow.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: You're going to trust each other more because you're opening up a walk or taking a shower together or whatever it is.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: Take 15, 20 minutes a day and just focus on connecting, having those good conversations, and I think if you'll do those things, you'll see a lot of other aspects of your marriage get better and that's also going to help your sexual connection as well, most likely.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: Amen.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: So you got gotta tell our audience about our new product we just released oh my goodness, it's so exciting, I'm gonna let amy, she's got a smile that's like looks like the joker on batman, because it's ear to ear, because it's so big actually that didn't sound.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: Good, that sounded horrible.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: That sounded awful my point sorry, my point she has a that picture of me.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: My point she has a massive smile because she's so excited about this new product I don't think.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: I think you're the one that's excited.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: Actually, I hope both spouses are excited.
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: We just launched our brand new.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: It's been months in the making because we hand design our products well, our card decks, the five senses sense play, foreplay, sense play.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: What did we?
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: call it, sense play sense play.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: It's a foreplay game, bedroom game for foreplay, to get all five of your senses going.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: It's so great, it's so great.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: And the kit collection comes with chocolate edible body pin, the feather, the edible, amazing lubricant on the new card deck 75 cards go check it out 75 cards, if you want 75 cards talking like giving you like a fun idea to try incorporating the five senses into foreplay.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: So if you feel like in your marriage that foreplay is a little rushed or you don't enjoy it because you don't look forward to it, maybe it's the same thing, maybe it's starting to feel like it's a chore, but you you really do want to be intentional with your intimate life and make you know those and this is where emotional intimacy comes in is like building up that fun together and that excitement and and and talking and touching each other that can make intimate time so much better.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: So I really feel like this game is like almost a piece of emotional intimacy too.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: Just kind of that build up, spending time together, not rushing it, not being distracted and I think it's fun trying different things, like using more, using your senses right right like I think it's fun doing those things and the prompts that the cards tell you to do.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: It just it just is different and it takes foreplay and intimacy to kind of a different you're, you're more focused on each other because you're really focusing on the senses and really enjoying it physically.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, I think this is a new product that's going to be really, really loved, really loved.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: It's going to kind of help you be less distracted and more into each other.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: Like I'm excited about it you can find that at shop donaldintimacycom, and we appreciate listening to the podcast and until next time.