Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #86: Boundaries and Asking for Help

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Happy Hour #86: Boundaries and Asking for Help · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I'm welcome to Stephane
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Never told your production of iHeart Radio, and it is
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: time for another happy hour, which means, as always, we
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: invite you to join us and take this moment to
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: kind of maybe take a break in your day and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: hang with us. Um and if you choose to drink
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: whatever that may be, please drink responsibly. What are you
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: sipping on, Samantha? So I'm keeping it low key and
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I'm sticking with my bubble water from the soda stream
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: that you gave me a little bit of pineapple flavor.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm keeping it low key today. Nice. What
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: about you? I am doing a pretty like light gin
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: and tonic with some spice to it because I'm in
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: the midst of an allergic event. Yeah. Can you see
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: my eyes? Oh my god, it makes me feel better.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I've been recording with you all day and I haven't
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: noticed this one. I was like horrified by my video
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: earlier we did. We just did a female first with
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: their good friend and co worker Eves, and I was like,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: don't look at me. I did not notice. That makes
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: me feel bad. Also staring at my all like many puginis,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: I mean when it comes to this video skyping, there's
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: two I've told you I hated because I have to
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: see my face too often, and I'm like why in
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: the worst light even and I have a ring light
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: and I was even considering, I was like, I need
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: a new ring light. Is why does everybody look okay?
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: And I look washed out? I'm the brown person here?
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: How do I look watched out? To me? You look
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: like in the best way, like you're coming from a
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: like dark room. Your background is all yeah, it's pretty
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: pro fashionable looking to be honest. Yeah, Well maybe a
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: lesson here is we're also preoccupied with our own uh,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: our own video and how we perceive our faults to
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: be that we're not noticing anybody else. I don't know
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: it's a thing because nobody noticed. I was like, nobody noticed.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I definitely didn't notice. Okay, okay, um, and just f
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: y I none of the things we just mentioned that
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: our company, our brands are with no sponsors. Um, we
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: have sponsors, but that's not why we called them out.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: They're not currently sponsors. Oh Man, if so to stream
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: wanted to sponsor us and send me some new stuff
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: that'd be amazing. I love your continued quest to get
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: free staff. We're very transparent about it, at least which
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: it is. And actually that kind of this discussion about
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: maybe looking too much into flaws does relate to what
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about today. Originally I was going
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: to do I have a two parter planned on, like
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: some quick reviews about horror movies I've seen, but I
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: wanted to wait because I really want to see Pearl,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: which is the prequel to X, and then do it.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: So this one is kind of a last minute one,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: but it does touch on something that I didn't get
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: to talk about. And the Monday menty we just did
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: about my experience at Dragon con Um and I was
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: telling you about it. But something that I've struggled with
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: always is setting up boundaries and being a people pleaser.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: And I think this was one of the first instances
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I've been out with that many people since the pandemic
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: um and it was kind of a mixed bag of
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: my ability to kind of speak up for what I
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: wanted to do or what I needed. But I did
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: do it on a couple of occasions, and I felt
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: good about it. Um, what did it feel nice? Because
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: it's always the moments before or when you're thinking about
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: doing it that you panic and think the worst and
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: then it happens. They reacted pretty well, Okay, yeah, honestly
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: it did feel good. Um. It was funny because one
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: of my friends, Marissa, who I've mentioned a lot, she
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: was kind of giving me some guff about like this
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: is your people pleaser side coming out, like just letting
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: me know how it is, as a good friend does.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: But one of the big things I've I've talked about
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: before something like Dragon con where I want people to
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: have a good time, I feel responsible for them having
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: a good time. Um, so I take on way more
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: than they're asking of me, to be honest, Like it's
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: just I feel like, oh, I've got to make sure
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: everything's fine, everything goes smoothly. And this time I had
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: a moment of I said to my friends, look, I'm
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: fine eating this food and I don't need to like
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: go out and get more food or what they called
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: quote real food. Um, because I'm fine and I will
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: once the this convention is over. I'm going to eat
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: all the green vegetables, which is what I have been doing.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: But in that time, like, I'm just not hungry when
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: all of you seem to be hungry. So I was
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: kind of after I've thrown away to entire whole meals
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: because I just went to eat with them because they
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: wanted to eat. I was like, just surprising, because you
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: haven't guilt about that, I will see. That was part
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: of the issue was I was eating people's leftovers, Like
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: they would leave pizza or whatever in our hotel room
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: and I would eat it, and then people would be like, now,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: let's go get real food, and I'm like, but I
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: ate this pizza and I'm not hungry. Yeah. So it
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: was kind of a build up where I was trying
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: to not waste any food, and then it just built
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: up and I could not eat anymore. A part of
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: this is also, as I mentioned, I have some self
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: consciousness about the weight I've gained during COVID. That's not
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: why I didn't choose to eat at all, but what
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I think it made it easier for me to turn
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: down food because I already felt kind of self conscious,
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: especially because I was in like a jumpsuit, right. But
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: that's a two part of that. Because I've always been
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: like you and I've had this conversation and I'm like,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I've had to like decipher your eating hep as to
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: a certain point because you don't necessarily get hungry. You
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: like the taste of food, but you don't like specific things.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: You have to balance it because you do have a
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: tendency to overthink or it stresses you out or makes
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: you uncomfortable, like that's okay, and people know that about
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: themselves and that's good, but you also know was unhealthy
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: and try to balance it out for you, like this
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: is this is the thing eating. When it comes to eating,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: it is a sense of things. So you know this
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: about yourself. But on top of that, but you are eating. Hey,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: you eat on a schedule to make sure you eat
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: because you don't typically get hungry or you don't think
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: about it as often. And when you do get hungry,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: it's not necessarily for specific types of food, which is
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: all fine, and you are very disciplined in that. And
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: yet as it can get into negative territory or you know,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: like really damaging their territory, which you've already talked about
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: the floor that that could be. That's what you have
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: gone through and you've worked yourself out of it. But
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: that never that's never going to turn off. Unfortunately, that's
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: how it goes for a lot of people. So during
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: these times that was high traffic, high intensity, constantly going,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: constantly doing things. You're trying to balance all of this out,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: and yeah, for me, I'm like I need food. Yeah,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna fight somebody. For you, like, you just sustain
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: on what you've got and you're okay with that. It's
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: not like you're not eating. It sounds like you're trying
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: to not waste food. But then that caused you to
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: waste food because you didn't want to sit and not
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: order because I know those times are really high traffic
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: times for these restaurants as well as pleasing your friends.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: So there's like a lot of layers to this of
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: like I don't think you did not eat. I think,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: and I think you're very aware you need to eat.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: It was just more like the timing is way off,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: and it just became a factor where you're already stressed
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: by something that stresses you out normal times, stressing you
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: out even more in these times with more things from
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: the outside. For sure, it was because normally I have
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: like times I eat um and I do get hungry
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: but it's pretty rare. But I have times that I eat,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: and that's how I make sure I eat. For me
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: During like an event like this, I do make sure
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I eat because there's a lot of drinking. I don't
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: want to be that person. I don't want to be
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: that person for my friends. Also don't want to be
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: that person for me, But it did become for so
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: long I've been and I have talked about this previously.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I'm eating for other people. I want to make sure
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: they eat, and I think I do think I overthink this.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: My friends are adults, they can, you know, figure things
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: out for themselves. Um, but I think to them sometimes
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: it looks like like maybe you feel a little judged
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: or that it looks like I'm like, oh, you can
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: go eat. I don't need to, but I have eaten.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I have, and it's just like I don't feel whatever
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: that thing is. Because we did have a moment where
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: one of my friends was like, if we don't go
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: eat soon, I'm gonna punch somebody in the face. And
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, you can go eat. You can do it,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: because I don't feel that like that's not a thing
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: for me. So it also ties into my sometimes damaging
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: and usually find real independent street where I'm like, I'm fine,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: which is like if I'm hungry, I'll go find something
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: and eat it um And I do like I want
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: to hang out. They're my friends. I want to hang out.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: But to me at an event like that, the hanging
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: out part is like the watching of the costumes. The
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: food part is just a thing we need to do.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: But I know that's not the same for everybody else.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: The one time I went and the one time I
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: went to eat with you, we definitely ate out of
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Hooters because I was the only one available. That is
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: not experience I needed necessarily as a dining experien areas
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: for that kind of event. That is so funny you
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: bring that up because my friends also asked me about
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: the Hooters and I was like, if you need to
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: go to the Yes, yes, because this event, for everybody
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: who's listening, is in like the tourist part of Atlanta
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: that you typically avoid that has the restaurants like the
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: hard Rock Cafe, the once a year or by accident
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: because my direction is sitting me through that way. Yeah,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: it's it's not a place you typically go, and there's
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: not There are some really good food options. I don't
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: want to like short change anybody, but generally it's pretty
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: pretty like chain commercial rights are are like three hour
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: weight that was with problems. That is definitely one of
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: the problems because I also people look to me and
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: this is partly my fault, lot my fault to make
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: all these reservations. But it's so hard to predict where
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: people will be at any point during that, so it
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: kind becomes a struggle of like, how am I going
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: to wrangle everybody? So we make this reservation. Are people
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: gonna be hungry? Um, usually they they get they get
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: food before then. And then like, we had one reservation
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: to sit down restaurant and we literally had all like
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: eaten a couple of hours before. We were all like, oh,
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: we're not hungry, but we had the reservation, and so
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: here we are just sort of the Yeah, that's just
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: sort of how it it works out a lot of
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: times and big events like this. I did have a
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: bunch of people that I was not expecting visit the
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: room and we ordered The group that was staying in
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: the room had ordered all this pizza and they were
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: kind of eyeing the pizza and I did not offer
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I was like, nope, that you get your old food
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: going for You did not tell me you're coming. You
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: did not tell me there'd be this many people. This
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: is our pizza day. See I I was laying down somewhere. Also,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: as you should. As you should. That's the thing. Is
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: like the scary part is doing it. And once you do,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: and we would at as people understand. So I'm like, okay, yeah,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: good for sure. It was certainly a lot of times
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is fine. I don't know why
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I worked myself up so much about it. It's fine,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: but it has been a part of my upbringing. I
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: think it is for a lot of women of constantly
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: putting other people's needs and once first, and it is
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: something like I said, I do want people to have fun.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: But it's also, yeah, they're fine if I tell them,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: like I'm not hungry, you go do what you need
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to do. We can meet up later. I'll be here,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: that's fine. They didn't care. Yeah, I hope they didn't.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Like I did that to you a couple of times
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: when we've been to like the parks and I'm like, yeah,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna punch the body. I need to find food,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: and you're like okay, bye, that's like yeah, yeah, I
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: think that works understand each other's needs. There were still
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: instances where I could have done better setting the boundaries,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: especially around like sleeping, which I'm bad at anyway, that's
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: a constant I'm really bad at. I didn't really have
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: a problem with how many people kind of showed up
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: a lot, but it was a thing where I just
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: said yes before I was like, oh, of course, and
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: then I was like, maybe I shouldn't have done that,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: maybe I should have thought about it for a second.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: But still I got better sleep than I normally do,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: so I will count that as a win, especially because
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: I was sleeping on an air mattress and it was
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: you had you slept on the air mattress. I slept
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: on the air mattress. Well, it's because I struggle with
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: sleeping any if there are people around anyway. So I
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm already gonna and I'm gonna have to pee.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I'm the person who has to get up at three
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: am or whatever. Pece. I was like, I'm gonna sleep
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: on this air and it was comfortable. It was just cold, yeah,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: because you know the air. I always get cold on
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: air mattresses. I think the other thing that I thought
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: was interesting was this is the first time in a
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: long time where I've kind of said like I need
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: to be alone. I didn't say it like that, but
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm gonna go do this thing goodbye,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: just because it's tiring when you're around so many people
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: for so long. And it was only for like a
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: couple of hours at most. I was just like watching
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: costumes by myself. But that's something that can kind of
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: weigh on you, especially when you're sharing hotel her together.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: And I think because of the pandemic, I've become so
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: used to alone time I did, I did not get
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: to read fan fiction, so the build up was enormous.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: I took an entire day to catch up on fan
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: fiction when when it was over, and then I I again,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I can improve on this and in a lot of ways,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: but I had a couple of instance since of asking
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: for help, that is a kind of that's a benefit
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: for me. I don't usually really really bad about that,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: but this time I was kind of almost like tired
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: and on with things. I'm like, you gotta help me,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: can help you with this, if we if we do
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: it right, yeah. So, I mean I think, as I said,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: it was a mixed bag. And I'm sure some of
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: my friends listening to this would be like this girl
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: and her food did not help me out at all.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: You know, my friends when they roll up and they
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: bring a whole bags of snacks because I never yes,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I've had people roll up on my house, Larissa, I
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Love you up with like three bags and snacks and
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I was like, we have some of those things. You
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: don't need to read that here, this is my house.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: And she's like, have you seen Annie's house? I was like,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: you're correct, Okay, it's true. It was very fair assumption,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: but I still I gotta kick out of that as well.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Brought like the most basic of things we have that
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: she brought honey tea, Like we have those things? What
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: is happening? And I have shade it though I will
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: say I did I love it? Yeah, we I mean
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: that's one thing we've learned is we've got to communicate
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: like who's bringing what, because what you think is like
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: acceptable amount of food and what I think is an
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: acceptable amount of food is not the same thing. But yeah,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I guess it was. I've been thinking about it and
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I feel. This is something I've been working on for
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: a long time. There's still much to be done, but
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: I had some things that I'm proud I was able
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: to be like, Yeah, thank you, thank you. Um. It's
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: so funny because it seems so small, but really it's
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: a big deal for it really is a hard thing
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: to do. Mm hmmmm. Well. Cheers to healthy boundaries. Cheers
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: to good boundaries. I love it. Yes and asking for
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: help when you need it. Uh. And here's to all
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: of you listeners again. If you have any topics we
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: should cover, I want to see your cosplay if you've
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: done it, your your con tips, if you have any
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: that would be great. You can emails at stuff Idia
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com. You can find
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or Instagram. And
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: stuff I've never told you Thanks. It's always to your
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: super producer Christy, you know, thank you and thanks to
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: you for listening stuff We never told the inspection but
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I heeart radio. For more podcast from my Heart Radio,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: you can check out the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.