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S3E17 - Why Your Child Fights for Control — and How to Respond · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Melanie,
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  and this is about her nephew.
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  Which is an interesting dynamic because obviously family
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  members that are not our own children,
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  we don't have as much influence.
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  But we still want to help and support and love
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  those in our family.
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  So,
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  thank you,
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  Melanie,
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  for the email.
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  I appreciate it.
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  Let me read parts of it and then we'll dive in.
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  I'm seeking some guidance around my nephew.
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  I know I don't have much influence since I don't see him often,
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  but I would like to better show up for him when he's with me.
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  He's currently 2 1/2 and overall very sweet and caring.
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  There are some behaviors that become frustrating.
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  He's a picky eater.
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  He prefers plain noodles and pasta.
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  Whenever we,
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  his parents and I,
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  try to introduce new foods to him,
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  he freaks out.
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  He starts bawling,
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  saying things like,
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  No meat,
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  no sauce,
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  until we give in because we want him to eat.
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  I've tried to have him just smell the new food,
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  but aren't sure what else or how to introduce new foods
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  without the tears and the fighting.
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  He's also very adamant on saying no to things,
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  activities,
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  foods,
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  behaviors,
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  etc.
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  that he doesn't want to do,
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  and then will throw a tantrum.
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  I try to let him play out the tantrum and limit set,
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  but I feel like I can do better.
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  We don't tolerate certain behaviors,
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  and we remind him
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  he just gets upset or continues doing the unwanted behaviors.
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  Also,
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  he's been saying go away when overwhelmed,
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  and when I walk away because I need a moment,
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  he freaks out.
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  So with all that said,
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  how can I better show up?
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  I know I need to be firm and consistent,
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  but it can be hard when I'm overwhelmed.
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  Please let me know your thoughts.
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  All right,
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  Melanie,
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  thank you so much for the email and the questions.
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  So one of the things that we want to do
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  when we're looking at behaviors that are difficult,
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  frustrating,
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  overwhelming,
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  consistent,
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  whatever the adjective is,
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  when we can see that this is a pervasive scenario,
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  our goal is to
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  funnel down to a root.
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  And it's not always 1.
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  Sometimes it's 1 or 2 or 3,
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  but we can almost always look at what we perceive to be isolated behaviors.
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  And if we put them in a funnel and we get down,
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  OK,
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  what is at the heart of this?
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  Every single thing that you're describing in this email
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  is rooted in power and control.
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  So,
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  let's kind of look at each one
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  individually and you can see how these all tie together.
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  So,
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  picky eater,
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  grab for control.
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  I will only eat these things.
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  I will not eat these things.
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  Let's go back to
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  how many things
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  children have control in their lives.
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  Very few.
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  You can fit them on one hand.
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  Eating is one of them.
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  So we understand
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  that he is going to grab power and control where he can.
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  And one of those things is eating.
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  Now,
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  his refusal to eat is a power grab.
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  When you try to get him to eat something else,
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  he then feels powerless.
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  That's basically a pendulum swing.
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  So he goes from having all the power.
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  I will only eat this stuff.
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  You try to get him to eat something else,
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  he feels powerless,
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  so he's going to grab for another level of power
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  in the way of tantrums.
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  So he cries,
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  he freaks out,
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  he bawls,
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  all the things that you described.
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  Why?
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  Because he's so overwhelmed,
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  he can't handle his feelings,
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  and he has to have some power and control back again.
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  So he's grasping at it.
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  Let's move on to
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  saying no to things,
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  activities,
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  foods,
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  and behaviors that he doesn't want to do.
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  I will not do that.
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  I will not do that.
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  I will not do that.
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  Power and control.
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  And when you try to get him to do one of those things that he doesn't want to do,
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  he feels out of control and powerless.
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  So he's going to behave in a way that shows you,
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  OK,
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  I'm ramping it up because
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  I need power and control.
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  And what you're describing,
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  Melanie,
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  and this is something that
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  we all
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  face,
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  we see this consistently.
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  This is pervasive childhood behavior.
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  A child becomes conditioned
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  that
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  if you start to make me feel
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  like I have no power and control
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  and I have to ramp it up
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  and at any point my ramp up works.
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  In other words,
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  I can't just say no,
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  I don't want to.
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  I might have to cry.
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  Well,
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  if you don't make me do it when I cry.
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  It reinforces the fact that when I grab at power,
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  I get what I want.
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  Well then,
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  the next time
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  I say no,
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  that doesn't work,
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  I cry,
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  that doesn't work.
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  Well,
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  now I have to scream.
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  But then you give in when I scream,
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  so I got the power and control that I wanted.
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  I'm reinforced.
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  Well then,
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  maybe the next time I say no,
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  then I cry,
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  then I scream.
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  None of those work.
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  Well,
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  now I have to have a full blown tantrum.
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  But then the tantrum did it.
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  So you gave in when I had the tantrum.
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  So now you can see where I'm going with this.
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  They actually become conditioned
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  to always ramp up and elevate
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  the power grab
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  because eventually they know they'll get the power that they want.
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  They just have to keep pushing the envelope.
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  So we understand
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  that
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  when he throws a tantrum
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  and then
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  gets what he wants,
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  he doesn't have to do whatever that thing was
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  that is actually reinforcing of that kind of behavior.
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  So it's a vicious cycle that we get trapped in,
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  and we don't even often realize how it all unfolds.
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  So now let's look at when you tell him certain behaviors are not tolerated.
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  You're taking back power and control,
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  and he doesn't like it.
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  So he
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  gets upset or he just keeps doing it.
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  Power grab.
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  Finally,
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  when he says go away,
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  he is overwhelmed.
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  I agree with you.
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  You said when he gets overwhelmed,
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  he says go away.
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  He is absolutely maxed out emotionally.
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  And he's disregulated and there's all kinds of stuff going on for him,
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  so he's trying to give himself space.
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  He forces you to go away.
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  That's a power grab.
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  But then when you do it,
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  he doesn't want to be alone
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  because he feels powerless and out of control if he's by himself.
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  So now he freaks out and wants you to come back
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  because when you walk away and disengage,
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  this is a very interesting dynamic.
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  This is true of all of us,
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  any age,
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  any scenario.
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  We want power and control,
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  and if we fight for it.
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  The word fight implies you have to have someone else
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  in the fight.
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  Someone walks away from someone that has a
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  power need,
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  someone's trying to have control and you walk away,
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  you completely disengage.
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  You've taken all the power and control away from them.
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  You can't fight for power if no one's fighting.
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  You can't fight for control if no one's fighting.
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  So when you walk away,
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  Melanie.
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  Your nephew is like,
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  whoa,
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  whoa,
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  whoa,
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  whoa,
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  wait,
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  now I have no one to,
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  no,
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  I have,
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  I can't have power and control anymore.
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  Come back,
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  come back,
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  come back.
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  So that panic
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  is actually to have more power and control,
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  and ordering you to come back is a power and control grab.
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  So hopefully,
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  this is illustrating what we see in kids all the time.
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  We often will look at things as isolated and separate entities,
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  and they all really come down to one main thing.
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  This is all power and control for him.
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  So how do you deal with that?
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  Well,
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  you do set limits when needed,
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  and you enforce them and you're consistent.
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  You do not set limits
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  in a charged way,
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  in an emotional way.
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  In
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  An angry way
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  It is calm.
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  It is stable.
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  It is rational.
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  You really want to hit,
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  but people are never for hitting.
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  You can choose to hit the pillow or you can choose to hit the couch.
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  Which do you choose?
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  It's said with that calm,
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  neutral tone,
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  because this is how it often goes.
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  You are hitting me,
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  but that is not OK,
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  but.
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  Now all of a sudden we're escalating the power and control grab.
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  So our neutrality highly matters in cases like this.
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  Our calm centeredness highly matters
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  in situations like this.
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  And beyond that,
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  we have to provide kids with choices.
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  Because
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  if they're power hungry,
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  if they want control,
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  they feel that
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  everything is out of their control and they have no power.
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  Well,
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  the antidote to that is giving them more control and power.
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  So you're going to give empowerment choices,
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  and it's not the same if you say,
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  Do you want this or do you want this?
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  You can have this or you can have this.
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  Those are not choices.
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  So we're very clear,
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  nephew,
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  you can choose to play with your trucks or you can choose to play with your.
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  Trains,
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  which do you choose?
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  Empowerment choice.
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  You can choose to wear your.
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  Flip flops or you can choose to wear your tennis shoes.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Empowerment choice.
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  You can choose to wear the red shirt or you can choose to wear the blue shirt.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Empowerment choice.
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  If all day,
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  every day
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  he is given opportunities to have control.
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  He will not need to fight for control so much
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  in other situations.
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  Another component we give choices as much as possible.
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  Another aspect of this
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  is we reflect his feelings.
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  He has to feel heard and validated and understood,
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  even when he's scared,
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  even when he's overwhelmed,
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  even when he's mad,
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  even when he's tantruming,
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  even when the worst of the worst is taking place.
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  He has to feel heard and understood.
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  He is not wrong for behaving those ways.
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  He is not wrong for feeling those things.
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  He's stuck in maladaptive coping patterns.
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  So before we set the limit,
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  we have to acknowledge
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  you're really upset.
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  You really don't want to eat that.
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  You really don't want to do that.
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  You're really worried about that.
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  He has to feel validated.
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  If he feels dismissed,
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  he's going to grab for more power and control.
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  So these all work together.
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  And if you remain consistent,
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  if you remain patient,
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  if you remain calm and neutral.
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  And you give choices,
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  set limits when needed,
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  but we always reflect feelings.
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  It will naturally sort itself out.
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  And keep in mind,
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  be a thermostat,
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  not a thermometer.
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  If he starts to ramp up,
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  and so do all the adults in his life,
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  if everyone else escalates with him,
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  it's a slippery slope.
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  You are there to
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  stay calm,
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  bring it down,
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  stay regulated,
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  demonstrate control.
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  Because
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  if he starts to get loud and you get loud or his parents get loud,
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  if he starts to get emotional and everyone else gets emotional,
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  it will just exacerbate everything.
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  So it's very much about regulation
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  as well.
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  So,
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  Melanie,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I hope that that is helpful to each of you.
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  We,
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  we all struggle with
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  patterns of behaviors that sometimes we miss.
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  And so it's helpful to kind of look at how they all connect together.
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  Please reach out if you'd like to,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I hope you have a great week.
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  Love you.
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  Talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 11:24
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.