Latest / Cosmic Peach / CARL & THE CORPSE BRIDE

Transcript

CARL & THE CORPSE BRIDE · Cosmic Peach

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Baby, I'm a gangsta too, and it takes me to
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: tango You don't wanna mess with me, mess with me Baby,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I'm a gangsta too Oh, snake beach Baby, I'm a
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: gangsta too Baby, I'm a gangsta too It's a.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Big little warning thing This podcast is designed to take
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: you outside of your comfort zone and make you question reality.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Don't fuck with me, fellas!
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: This ain't my first time.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: At the rodeo.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Hello and welcome back to the show. Thanks for being here, everybody.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Thanks for being listeners and supporters of the Cosmic Beach Podcast.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Got some shout outs right off the rip. And then
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: we're going to get into a little bit of a
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: interesting topic today. But before we just jump right in,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: how are you doing? You okay out there? Thanks for
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: being here. Thanks for being born. I got some shoutouts
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: that I've been really excited.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: To read here. Quite a few of them. Let's see.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Victoria, Victoria, Jolene's Tank. Alright, so she's got a little
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: bit of a story about, I don't know, maybe getting cursed.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: She says, so my story is a little kit I
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: picked up at a craft show. It was from a
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: friend of a friend who was a witch. Didn't believe
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: in this stuff at the time, years ago. It was
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: an intention spell. You burnt the spell on a tiny
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: charcoal brick and made a wish, basically. I never used
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: it myself, but had someone close to me see it
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: one day and proceed to cast away. They put it
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: in a big old thick glass ashtray and did their thing.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I was outside when they did it, but I heard
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: a big crack and ran to the door. The ashtray
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: broke in half. Needless to say, something very big did
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: happen in that person's life to someone they knew. Scares
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: the crap out of them and me. Like Julia, I
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: never knew how to actually dispose of the said ashtray.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: I've been a believer since and wouldn't go near anything
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: like that ever again. Super scary. See, this is what
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about. You go on the Etsy, you think
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: you're just getting a gay squirt spell, and the next
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: thing you know, you're gay and you're squirting. But it's
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: in all the wrong ways, baby. I'm sorry that happened
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: to you, Victoria. But that's why I do what I do, baby.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: We gotta be vigilant. Next shout out, Joy. Nine to
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: five taints. Not me wondering how I can pay my
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: tuition this semester doing spells on Etsy for desperate dudes.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: More power to you, Joy.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, they're making way more money than us. brit
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: you just saved my last hour of work with this
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: episode thank you you're welcome and god bless you brit
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: your sweetheart andrea andrea says see now once a year
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: i choose one or two of my favorite podcasters to
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: support and i just think you need to be on
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: my permanent list this was extremely interesting and Entertaining.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: Educational.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: Packed for a cruise while listening. This was absolutely fantastic.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: You're absolutely fantastic, Andrea. And I always knew it. Always
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: knew it. And she says Jolene's taint.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: Katie.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: Hard candy taints. The only hard candy taint I got.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And I love that song. You're so funny. Oh my God.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: I was rolling out my lumps.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: Rendition.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: My mumps. My mumps. My mumps. My mumps.
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: Check them out. I couldn't help myself.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Okay, Air 82nd Born says, Hey Julia, I also want
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: to let you know Fox Hollow is back in the news.
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: Oh my God.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: I just checked Fox News app this morning and holy shitballs,
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: this is just insane in the membrane.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: I knew it.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I had an intuition I needed to cover that case
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: because there was something about to pop off. And here
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: we go. Air 82nd Born just confirmed it. They've got
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: him back in the news again. They're re-traumatizing everyone with
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: the story of Herb Baumeister, but leaving out all the
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: bits and pieces that could actually solve this case. Now, Shannon.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: Shannon says, your delivery is unsurpassed. You have a special
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: way with some of my favorite words and catchphrases. Outstanding
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: as always. Shannon, you're outstanding. God bless you. Love you
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: so much.
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: And I appreciate each and every single one of you.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: I love y'all.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: And I am honored that you are listeners and supporters
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: of the Cosmic Peach Podcast. And that's going to do
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: it for our shout-outs of the day. And I got
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: a pretty nasty topic for you. You might want to
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: go ahead and get your spare panty drawers out. Just
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: have them sitting there at the ready because it's about
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: to get.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: Little.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Stomach turning up in this bitch. But you know where
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: you are. You know who you're listening to. And we
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: leave no stone unturned here at the Cosmic Peach Podcast.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: That includes necrophilia, pedophilia, and tantophilia. So, it's going to
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: be one of those kind of episodes today. I got
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: a little story for you. But actually, I wanted to
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: give you... a little online dating update. Now, you can
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: just skip five minutes ahead in the episode if you
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: don't really give a damn, which I don't blame you,
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: but I just... You guys are my friends. I feel
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: like I can count on you for good advice and
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: pep talks when necessary. I finally, after all these months, finally,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: I finally... Matched with someone I liked enough to maybe
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: meet in person.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: Oh boy.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to tell you his name because it's
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: not like I know his last name or anything. Or
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: that you'll ever be able to find him, but his
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: name was Alec. We matched. I sent him the digits.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Asked him some stuff about himself. He asked me some
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: stuff about myself.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: He brushed his teeth. I didn't ask that.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying the general vibe is he was a
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: school guidance counselor and a wrestling.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: Coach at a local high school.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: So he's good with kids.
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: That's a plus. He had great hygiene. Red curly hair.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: That's nice.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Um... You know, he said some funny stuff in his
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: bio and I was like, all right, so hygiene check,
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: has all of his teeth check, works with kids check,
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: which I know actually doesn't really mean anything, but let's
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: just give him a check for that. Seems to have
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: a sense of humor check. He didn't check out my
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: podcast before we met, so that might, you know. That
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: might have actually deterred him from ever wanting to even
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: meet me, but I've learned meet them first, draw them
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: in with the humor and personality, and if they still
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: want to hang after that, then introduce the podcast. But
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: if you go with, hey, listen to my podcast right
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: out of the gate, they will ghost you every single time.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: So we didn't do that. He seemed to be kind
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: of a busy fuck. Like I'd text at, seven in
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: the morning, and I'd get a text back at like
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: eight that night. And for a week or two on end,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: it was like I'd only get like three or four
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: messages from him a day. But I'm a busy person myself, obviously,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: single mom in it, podcast in it. So I didn't
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: judge him for it. He said he was busy, and
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I took him for his word on it. We finally
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: did set up a date. You're never going to believe
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: this and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but you're
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: my besties out there and we got to keep shit
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: real around here. He invited me to this bar. It's
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: a local bar. They got food and shit too, but
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: it's mostly a bar. And I was sitting here thinking,
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: and I was like, what if he doesn't pay for
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: my drinks? Then I'm going to be out. Let's just
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: say the drinks are 10 bucks a piece. And I
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: get two drinks. I'm going to be out $ 20 behind
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: this guy. What if I immediately, as soon as I
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: get there, I know that I don't even like him.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: him or we get halfway through the drinks and I
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: realized I don't like him. Then I'm out 20 bucks
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: and my driver's license is expired. I might not even
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: be able to get a drink. I'm going to take
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: care of the driver's license.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: Don't worry.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Just when I feel like it, you know, but, uh,
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: Fingers crossed. I've been lucky so far. But so I
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: was thinking, like, I don't want to be in the
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: middle of trying to order a drink. And they're like, oh,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: your driver's license is expired or he doesn't pay for
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: my drinks. And then I'm out 20 bucks and my
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: driver's license is expired. The whole thing just sounded terrible.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: So I was like, well, why don't I just come
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: over to your place and we'll just talk and we
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: can drink. Some wine and just chitty chat or whatever.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: I cannot believe I even put that on the table.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: But that's what we decided on. So he's like, yeah.
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: That's fine.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: You know, I just want you to be comfortable. So
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I'll go pick up some snacks and some wine and
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: we'll just get to know each other.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: We'll talk. We'll do whatever.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: So I'm looking forward to meeting the guy. He looks
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: kind of like Tom Hiddleston, if I'm being completely honest.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: I was real attracted to him. Blue eyes, reddish brown hair,
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: and a Tom Hiddleston face.
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: And lots of tattoos. I mean, attractive, attractive.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Get I cannot believe every single true crime documentary I've
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: ever watched, and I agreed to go to this man's house.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: So the baby daddy comes. He's watching my son. I
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: get dressed. I do a spray tan. perfume, makeup, curled
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: my hair, lipstick, all of it. Powdered my pits 15
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: times that day, brought an extra deodorant with me just
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: in case it's still kind of hot around here. Drove
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: all the way to his house. I immediately, after I
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: parked in the neighborhood, he lived in some kind of
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: a duplex, I realized that I could seriously get decapitated tonight,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: and I just set myself up for this dude to
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: be a total beast of a mongrel. And then I
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: was like, what if the wine is already open when
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: I get there? He might have drugged it. I'm going
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: to get my own Netflix documentary. It's going to be epic.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: The True Crime Paranormal Conspiracy Theory Podcaster. who got drugged, raped, murdered, decapitated, necrophiled,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: and tossed off by the side of the road.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: Oh, God.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I just had it all set up in my head.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: And so I was on guard. Get to the door.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Knock on the door. Who answers the door? And this
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: is a cautionary tale for men out there. Please don't
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: do this to people. Lied about how tall he was
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: on the dating profile. See, they just take for granted
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: that women are generally pretty short. 5'6, maybe at the average.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: I'm pushing 5'8 on a tall day. That's like 5'8
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: with just an inch of a sandal on. If I'm barefooted,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: maybe 5'7. But if I got even a 1-inch sandal on,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: I'm 5'8. And he said he was 5'9. On his profile.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: And a Keebler elf came to the door. 5'7.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: Max.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: But he's not the only one. That came to the door.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: He had two little friends with him. Two little, two
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: little furry friends came to the door with him.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Cat lover wasn't in his profile.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: Cat lover, Keeblin cat lover comes to the door. I
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: immediately know I'm safe because With my eyes closed, I
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: could have kicked this guy in the crotch one time
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: and took him down wrestling coach or not.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: I don't give a damn. He was a tiny person.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: And I already knew I wanted to leave immediately with
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: two cats staring me down. Kitty scratchers everywhere. Litter box
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: with the lid off. Just turds. Turds available for anyone's
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: viewing pleasure. Looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: month of Sundays.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: And I love Harry Potter, by the way. Love Harry Potter.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: He goes, yeah, these are my cats. This one's Albus
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: and this is Luna. Okay. Albus and Luna. Didn't save them.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: From me not wanting them around me whatsoever. He had.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: The personality. The best and only way I can describe it.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Is if you go back and you watch Adam's Family Values.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: When Wednesday gets sent to Camp Chippewa. And there's that.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: The man guidance counselor. He was also in Ghostbusters Part 2.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Upper Vest Side. That guy, he's the camp counselor in
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: Adam's Family Values. And this guy, this guidance counselor guy,
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: same personality. And he's tiny like him. And has curly hair.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: There could be just some archetype out there of these
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: dudes that exist, and I found one. He shows me
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: around his place. I'm just looking for every exit to
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: try to get the fuck out of there. And he's like, okay,
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: this is my sitting room. It's a different room than
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: the living room. He's got a special sitting room where
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: he watches TV and movies. And....
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: I have to edit that out, okay.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: So, I.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Take a seat in the sitting room. And he says,
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: we should watch Spider-Man.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: Okay. We should watch Spider-Man. And I was like.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: I don't. I don't really want to watch Spider-Man. But
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: I wasn't even going to say anything. I was just
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: going to try. Do what I had to do. Come
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: up with some excuse.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: To try to get out of there. So he puts
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: on Spider-Man. And he said.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: I have red wine.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: He said, I've got red wine and chips and cookies. So,
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: I just sat there and he was like, I'll be
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: back with some treats. And so he brought me a
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: glass of wine.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: I wasn't worried about it because.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: The stalking elf, I just, you know, not a high
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: threat level there. And so he sits down next to
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: me and we're supposed to be getting to know each
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: other now. Asking me some questions about myself, whatever. You know,
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: if you're going to invite somebody over to talk and
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: get to know each other over red wine, you can't
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: even bust out a little charcuterie, a little cheese board,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: a little Ritz cracker with some dip.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Chips.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Chips.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Chips and cookies. But anyway.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: So yeah that was just that was no no way
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: on earth and he didn't want to he was like
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: so tell me some of this conspiracy stuff And I
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: knew from his profile that he liked, you know, like
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: Lord of the Rings and stuff. And I was like, well,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: there's some weird conspiracies about Lord of the Rings. And there's,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: he's like, well, what's the, what's the craziest one? And
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I was like, I'm just going to hit him right
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: in the tank. Straight to the tank, to the tank,
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: no faking. And, um.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: I busted Mick Martin out on him and he said, Ooh,
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: that's scary.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about something else. And I just, you know, guys,
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: I was like, please Lord, let him need to go
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: to the bathroom so I can pretend I got a
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: text and I need to.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: Get out of here.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: The little weasel sat there and sat there and sat
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: there and kept asking every like couple, like every 10 minutes,
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: he'd say, can I have a kiss? And I said,
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: ask me in five minutes. I was just fucking with
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: the guy at that point because he did. There's first off,
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: no way. I don't want to. And second off, it's
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: just funny because it's just funny. Can I have a kiss?
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: No, you can't.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: Ask me in five minutes. And he'd wait five minutes
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: and then ask again. Finally, he was like, I'm going
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: to get another glass of wine. And then he went.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: And when he got back, I said, oh, my. My
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: baby daddy just texted me. He said he's having a
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: hell of a time getting our boy down. And he's
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: screaming and crying. And he needs some help. And I
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: gotta go. I gotta get out of here. I'm so sorry.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: And he was like, oh, so soon. And then he
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: walked me to the door. Got my shoes on as
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: fast as I possibly fucking could.
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: Got my shit. And right as I was about to
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: walk out the door, he was.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Like, can I please just at least have a kiss?
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: And I gave him the tiniest peck of a tiny
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: morsel of a kiss. And I bolted out the door.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: I had half of a flat tire on the front
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: of my car. Asked me if I gave a shit.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: Drove all the way home.
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: Half of a flat tire. Had to get out of there.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: This is the general, this is what, ugh. You know,
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: I understand low T is a problem, but these are
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: these liberal, blue hair, he didn't have blue hair, but
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, the liberal mindset of the
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: men around here. There's no masculinity to be found hardly
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: at all. I think I'm done with the online dating.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to sit at least three months out
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: on this. You know, I didn't ghost him or anything.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: I said, thanks for having me over, but The cats
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: were crawling all over me, guys. They were crawling all
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: over me. There was cat hair all over him. There
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: was cat hair all over everything. Looked down in my
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: wine glass. Cat hair in my glass. And Albus. Albus, well,
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: he had a hip dysplasia issue. And he regaled me.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: On the hip dysplasia. These are two rescues. Albus has
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: a hip dysplasia. And if you look. See how crooked
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: he walks in it. They were crawling all over me.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: And I was just like.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: Oh my god.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Couldn't wait to get out of there you guys I
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: couldn't wait to get out of there and they were
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: just staring me in the face meowing Albus has a
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: hip dysplasia and he was just all wobbly and crooked
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: and just he looked like he was about to fall
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: apart and and just just disintegrate right in front of
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: my eyes and I'm not I'm not prejudiced towards a
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: crippled cat okay Cripple cats.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: Need love too, but....
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I'm, uh... I'm okay on that.
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: I'm okay on that. So, taking a little break.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: Gotta compose myself before I try to even entertain any
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: more of that. What a gigantic, enormous waste.
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: Of my life.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: And, uh, anyways, I... digress we got a lot of
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: stuff to talk about today you know that's not why
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: you're here that's not why you're here today i got
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: another story in mind for us today and again panty
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: drawers at the ready people this one's a stomach churner
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: you might get cursed with the gay squirt spell but
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: it's all squirting out the b-hole today all right if
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: you're ready i'm ready Thanks again for being here. If
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: you love what I do, leave a five-star review. If
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: you're new, welcome. And if you're a longtime listener, welcome back.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: This is the Cosmic Beach Podcast. And we are talking
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: about the man known as Carl von Kossel and his
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: corpse bride.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: So again, if you're ready, I'm ready.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: We're going to just dive tank deep into story time.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: You know, we all have our favorite pastimes. Mine happens
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: to be falling down internet b-holes. And I came across
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: some information on this sick-ass, necro-ass weirdo. And this might
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: be one of those ones that sticks with you forevermore.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: And it goes a little something like this. Once upon
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: a time, there was a German dude named Karl von Kossel.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: In his early childhood, he said he would be regularly
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: visited by spectral visions of one of his dead ancestors,
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: who kept showing him the face of his one true love,
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: an exotic, dark-haired woman. And believe it or not, somehow,
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: that's the most mundane detail of this story.
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: Fast forward to.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Adulthood, It's the 1930s, and Carl is working as a
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: doctor in Key West, Florida. One day at the hospital,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: a Cuban-American woman named Maria Elena Milagro de Jovos walks in.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: He immediately recognizes Elena as the girl from his dead
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: ancestor's visions.
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: But before you.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Get too excited about this little meet-cute, this story is
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: less Julia Roberts and more Mandy Moore a walk to remember.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: Instead of saying, I have leukemia, Elena says, I have tuberculosis.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Carl isn't sweating it, though. He believes that he can
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: cure her by bringing weird x-ray machines to her house
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: and basically winging it from there. In addition to his
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: medical-ish help, he also gives Elaine a jewelry and all
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: the latest fashions, and professes his love to her. Look
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: up doing the absolute most in the nearest dictionary, and
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: you'll find a handsome.
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: Little photo of our friend, Carl.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: There's no record of what Elena thought of all this,
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: but my guess is that it was something in the
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: neighborhood of, can you not? I'm literally trying to calmly
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: die here. Carl is essentially that guy who won't stop
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: hitting on you at the bar. But instead of the bar,
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: the venue is a deathbed, and how uncomfortable she must
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: have been. And can we just talk for a second
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: about tuberculosis?
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: Just for a second.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: How did they get rid of this shit after they
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: literally built 60 million sanatoriums for these tuberculosis people all
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: over the world? Like, what ratified tuberculosis? Is there a vaccine?
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: Let's see. How did....
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: They ratify tuberculosis.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: Eradicate.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Sorry, that was my B. How did they eradicate tuberculosis?
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Humanity has significantly curbed tuberculosis over the last century through
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: bacterial discovery, specialized sanatoriums, the BCG vaccine, and combination... antibiotic
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: therapy but it has not been completely eradicated globally historically
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: known as consumption or the white plague so they they
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: didn't if the vaccine was the answer because it says
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: it's not been completely eradicated globally my opinion they were
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: spraying shit on people okay uh and they still haven't
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: gotten rid of it according to this they just stopped
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: spraying people with the shit and somebody get.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: A lung infection.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: They could say it's tuberculosis, but they don't. They call
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: it upper respiratory infection, and they give them antibiotics. And
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: then they're all better.
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: I digress.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: Sadly, Elena dies at the age of 22. R.I.P.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: Baby girl.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Say hi to Aaliyah for me. Carl, who's in his 50s,
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: by the way, is distraught. He immediately makes a death
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: mask of Elena's face. As if that shouldn't have been
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: a red flag to anybody, but... With permission from Elena's family,
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: he pays for the funeral and constructs an above-ground mausoleum
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: in the Key West Cemetery for his number one crush. See,
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: he gets the permission from the family to do this mausoleum.
• 30:44
  Speaker 3: Shit, but not the death mask.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: Anyways, again, doing the absolute most. And he insists on
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: an airtight casket with an incubator tank full of formaldehyde
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: to prevent decay. Red flag number two, I'd say. But
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: the family agrees.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: Surprise.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: And Carl visits the mausoleum every night where he says
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: her spirit routinely pops up to say, hey, what's up,
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: and sing a little ditty for him. All totally bizarre,
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: and I can't believe he ever admitted that shit to anyone,
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: but buckle up, baby, because things are about to get
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: even weirder. One night in 1933, two years after Elena's death,
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: Carl sneaks into the cemetery with a little old wagon.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: Removes her corpse from the mausoleum and wheels it on home.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: Commuting sucks and long distance relationships are hard, you guys.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: It just made total sense to rob the grave of
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: a woman you barely know and take her home. By
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: this point, our girl Elena's body isn't holding up too well.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: So Carl uses piano wire to keep her together. Fits
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: her face with glass eyes. replaces her decomposing skin with
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: silk cloth soaked in wax, gets rid of all the
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: maggots and uses perfumes and preserving agents to mask the
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: smell and stop the rotting. He keeps her body real
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: snuggled up close right next to him in the bed.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: And I won't go into all the gory details, but yes,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: He did more than just cuddle, if you know what
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. There was a lot of chips and cookies involved. But,
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: taking his eccentricity to the next level, Carl had plans
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: to create a spaceship to fly Elena's corpse into the
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: stratosphere so that radiation from outer space could penetrate her tissues.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: And restore her.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: And I'll include a little image somewhere of the spaceship.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: And it wasn't just an idea, people. He was actually
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: building this shit. Seven long-ass years later in 1940, rumors
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: are swirling around his odd behavior. Those who remember his
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: frequent visits to the mausoleum wonder why he suddenly stopped going.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: His neighbors find it curious that he routinely buys women's
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: clothing and copious amounts of perfume. And a neighborhood boy
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: claimed to have seen Carl in the window, dancing with
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: what looked like a supersized doll. Elena's sister puts two
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: and two together. She becomes suspicious. She marches over to
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: the house. And Carl.
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: What does Carl do?
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: Carl willingly and excitedly shows off Elena's body to her sister,
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: what's left of it, in his bedroom. Elena's sister, horrified,
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: alerted the authorities, which they then seized the doll, quote-unquote,
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: only to discover it was actually Elena's rotted corpse. Not
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: only that, but While performing an autopsy on Elena's remains,
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: coroners discovered that among the multiple body parts Carl had reconstructed,
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: he had inserted a paper tube inside her to serve
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: as a makeshift vagina. Carl is quickly arrested for wantonly
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: and maliciously destroying a grave and removing a.
• 34:43
  Speaker 3: Body without authorization.
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: But that's it. No necrophilia stuff, no. I mean, just
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: maliciously destroying a grave and removing a body without authorization.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: He gets some kind of an examination. Psychiatrists go through
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: the whole rigmarole and declare him sane. Like, for real?
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: This is some Ed Gein.
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: Shit, okay?
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: But... All charges are eventually dropped, because nothing makes sense
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: in this world, and there's some kind of a statute
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: of limitations on these crimes, I guess. All of this
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: craziness makes the headlines in Florida, and again, because nothing
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: makes any damn sense in this story... Because of how
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: sensationalized this incident became, the public was generally sympathetic to
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: Carl and considered him a hopeless romantic who was just
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: a wee bit eccentric. And then to go a step further,
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: for whatever the fuck reason, a public viewing of Elena's
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: body is held. And 8,500 people in Florida line up
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: to get a look. Local schools even let out early
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: so the kids could be scarred for life. Going to
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: visit an early Halloween display, I guess. Oh, Florida, you
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: never disappoint. Maybe Old World Florida should cover this if
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: they haven't already. Emboldened by the public support and maybe
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: a loose screw or two, Carl asks if he can
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: have Elena's body back. Thankfully, Common sense prevails and his
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: request is denied. Elena is re-breed in a secret unmarked
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: grave as to avoid another wagon field trip. And unhappy
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: about this, Carl sets off a bomb at the site
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: of Elena's mausoleum as a way to show authorities what
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: wantonly and maliciously destroying a grave actually looks like. But
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: No charges were ever brought against him for that either.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: Carl goes on to live another 12 years before dying alone.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: In his final diary entry, he writes, Human jealousy has
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: robbed me of the body of my Elena, yet divine
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: happiness is flowing through me for she has survived death.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: Forever and ever she is with me. Three weeks after
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: his death, his body is found in his apartment. A
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: life-sized death mask wearing effigy of Elena is close by him. Now,
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: this is one of those stories where you think to yourself,
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: it's like when they just couldn't keep Ted Bundy in
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: jail and he just kept getting out and they just
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: couldn't keep him in. This guy, this German doctor guy,
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: He's literally grave robbing, doing necrophilia stuff, probably ritualism, and
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: they just can't charge him. There's just a statue of
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: limitations for these things.
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: Let's really look at this guy. He's German.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: We need to know more. Karl Tanzler. He also went
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: by Karl Tanzler or Karl von Kossel, Kossel.
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, let's do a share screen. I'm a jerk off here.
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: Hang on. All right.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: German-born American radiology technologist at the Maine Hospital in Key West. Oh, wait.
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: At the Marine Hospital in Key West, Florida. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: Marine Hospital. Okay. Removed Toyo's body from tomb and lived
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: with the corpse at his home for seven years.
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: We know. Okay.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: Let's check out the early life here. Born February 8th,
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: 1877 in Dresden, Germany. Grew up in the German empire,
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: but at some point traveled to India and later to Australia,
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: just before the outbreak of world war one. During his
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: stay in Australia over the course of World War I,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: Tanzler was kept with other Germans in Australia in internment
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: camps and prisons. He attempted and failed to escape by
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: constructing a ship vessel. Went to the Netherlands. I mean,
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: this guy, he was in an internment camp. They probably
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: did stuff to him. Testing and stuff. They probably did
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: experiments on him. Because there's gotta.
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: Be more here.
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, he was married! Around 1920, following his
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: return to Germany, Tanzler married Doris Schaefer. Together they had
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: two children, Aisha and Clarista, who died of diphtheria.
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: Ooh, look at that shit! What the fuck is that?
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: An infection caused by the bacterium... most infections are asymptomatic
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: or have a mild clinical course, but in some outbreaks,
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: the mortality rate approaches 10%. What in the cock and
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: ball set is that? Oh my God. But he had
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: a whole entire wife and two kids and he just Okay,
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: they died and he immigrated to the United States in 1926.
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: Havana, Cuba.
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: Settled in Zephyrillis, Florida. Where his sister had already immigrated
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: and was later joined by his wife and daughters. Wait,
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: I thought that was dead. And was later joined by
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: his wife and daughters. Leaving his family behind in Zephyrillis
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: in 1927, he took a job as a Radiology technician. Aha.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: They moved to Florida and he left them behind in
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: the old Zephyrillis and then they died. But he took
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: a job as a radiology technician at the U.S. Marine Hospital. See,
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: this is what I'm saying.
• 41:27
  Speaker 3: Ah, God.
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: And then it's Astoria as we know it. Little, little
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: tuberculosis patient. Broke into the tomb, did some stuff. Now,
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: this is saying an article written by Mish Felder in
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: 1982 tells of how renovation workers found a note allegedly
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: written by Carl confessing to have killed Elena by poisoning her.
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: Here's a quote.
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: She died because I gave this to her mercifully. I
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: mixed the root of wolf's spain, monk's hood, with aconite diluted.
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: It was palatable, and my loved one departed this miserable
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: world on October 25th, 1931. Suffer no more, sweet Elena.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: I have sent you to the angels with my golden elixir.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: I bet he wanted to give her his golden elixir,
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: and he did several times in a paper tube. A
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: makeshift paper tube he inserted near the kidney area to
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: serve as a vagina. Because, you know, after a couple years,
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: that shit all collapses. Gets a little soggy down there.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: Turns into a soggy tuna fish sandwich. Gotta come up
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: with an alternative thing.
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: But this is the story, this is.
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: What I have for you today. What are your thoughts
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: on this? What do you think about all this? He's
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: tied in with the German stuff. He's working at a
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: marine hospital. It looks like there was some kind of
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: a confession note found later on. He murdered this woman,
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: then stole her body, necrophiled it, did edgy and shit. Now, see,
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: it could be a case of generational Satanism in his family.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: This is just, he was just doing what he knew
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: because I mean, the man looked like straight up the,
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: the doc from American horror story season two asylum. All right. Uh,
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: and actually I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure when the
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: doctor's name in asylum, Carl, let's look it up. American
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: American horror story. See son. Well, let's see. Oh, no.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: James Cromwell.
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: Dr.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: Arden. Dr.
• 44:21
  Speaker 3: Arden. Look at this, though.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: Look at this. Doesn't he look exactly like Carl? And
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: the doctor in asylum was doing... Some stuff about bringing
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: dead people back to life and doing some necrophile stuff.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you, fact is stranger than fiction every single time.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: And Dr. Arden in the season two here was a
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: German doctor that we brought over.
• 44:50
  Speaker 3: Listen.
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: If you look hard enough, you will always find the
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: true fucking story, the inspiration behind these things. But let
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: me know what you think. That's what I got for
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: you today, folks. Thanks for hanging with me. Thanks for
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: being here. They got a new season of American Horror
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: Story coming out in September.
• 45:11
  Speaker 3: And I'm here for it.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: It's like a continuation of my favorite season, which is Coven.
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: But I do think they're going to add in their
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: fair share of symbolism and God only knows what else. ritualism,
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: satanic imagery. But if you enjoyed today's episode, folks, go
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: ahead and leave SoggyTunaPuss in the comments section. That's gonna
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: be SoggyTunaPuss in the comments section.
• 45:38
  Speaker 3: RIP, Elena. No hate.
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: Let me know what you think of this story. I
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: love each and every one of you. Take care of
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: yourselves out there. And I will catch you on the
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: next one.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: Thank you.