Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S6 Ep3: Comedy on Class: No-Poor-Dating Rule 🤣

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S6 Ep3: Comedy on Class: No-Poor-Dating Rule 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, y'all.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so uh the CIA has confirmed that aliens are on Earth, y'all.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's like evidence, physical evidence, it's real.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: People were freaking out.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are they gonna invade Earth?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Republicans look at the jobs.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited though.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited for the aliens to be here.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just hope they brought eligible bachelors.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope so.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope so, because Earth needs new men.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, we need we need new men.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: We really do.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would definitely date an alien.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let him be 6'4 with no kids, bitch.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sucking both of his dicks.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because he gotta have at least two dicks.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: He's an alien, right?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: That only makes sense.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Don't come over here with one dick.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: We already got that.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna invade the planet, come with some new shit.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: My thing is, I fucked with a light-skinned nigga before.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fuck with a green nigga next.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do that.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do that.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've been single for a while, y'all.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like an embarrassing amount of time.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I um it's it's been a while.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know what I like to say?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a long distance relationship.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I live in Brooklyn and he lives in the future.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: He lives in the future.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I love him.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna hold it down until I meet him.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma hold it down.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, my uh my mother tries to give me dating advice sometimes.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, girlby.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I don't listen to my mom when it comes to dating.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Cause she used to fuck with my father, okay?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she kept his baby, so clearly she makes poor decisions.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've been single for eight years, y'all.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh high the disgust and pity.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I've been I've been single for eight years, and I've been doing stand-up for eight years.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's gotta be a correlation between the two.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't get it.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: The last guy I was dating, he was just like, oh, I'm just uncomfortable with you being out on the road all night with men.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's a male-dominated industry.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want me to do?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But what's really funny is like I know strippers with boyfriends, and porn stars with husbands.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew stand-up was the whore's behavior that men could not stand?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew that's where they drew the line?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had a new idea.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I th I I thought about stripping.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I feel like I'm not good enough of a dancer for that.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they people ask for their money back.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, bitch, that's my dollar right there.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Bring that shit back.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you want to make money stripping, you gotta go to the south.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's where, yeah, that's where they make the bread at in the south.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I went to a strip club in Atlanta.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: What they don't tell you is that it's full nudity in the south, y'all.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: They show them pussy in the south.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I did not know that.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's no door, there's no sign at the door saying, but beware of pussy, none of that.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I walked in and it was just in my face.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Bam, right here.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sis, I think you're ovulating.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to take it easy tonight.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to take it easy.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Strippers in the south, man.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They friendly.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: They real friendly.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's one word for it.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um in New York, not as friendly.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're not showing pussy, I'll tell you that.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I went to a strip club in Queens.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: One of the bitches came out with a turtleneck.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're in Tim smoking a black and mild.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, alright.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Her stripper name was deadass.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Coming to the stage, deadass, the fuck out of here.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Man, these bitches is scary.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: The way that men approach women in the South is also a huge difference that I noticed out there.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Houston, and this guy tried to talk to me.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, excuse me, man, I'm gonna talk to you for a moment.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I said, nah, I'm good.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Alright, well, you enjoy the rest of your evening, man.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I said, oh my god, what a gentleman this month.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I jumped the gun.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should fuck her.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's a sweet guy.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Same scenario, best uh Brooklyn Wildlife.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, mom, let me told you for a moment.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I'm good.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't fuck with them, bitch.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid ass hoe.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Broke ass broad.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: The more he kept going, the more accurate the shit got.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm like, God damn, who told us ain't got my business.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So since he knew me so well, I ended up fucking him.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, only made sense.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, that's where my husband is at.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's not in New York.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I checked twice.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I checked twice.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: He is not here, y'all.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I tried online dating.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Online dating is is interesting.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I get a lot of guys that ask me, like, oh, can I take you out to eat?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, hell yeah, I'm hungry.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what the fuck I do for a living.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um this is where it gets weird though, because they're always like, oh, where do you live?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll come pick you up.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, um, no.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have Google Maps on me show ass there.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I've watched enough Law Order SDU to know better than to allow an internet stranger to come to my home.
• 6:19
  unknown: Right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're not about to dum dun dun dun dum dum.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: A bad bitch like me, absolutely not.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: The fuck out of here.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I, you know, I drive.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I drive and I pull up to the restaurant, and they're always very shocked to see that I drive.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I guess because you know it's New York.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They think I took the Uber or the train or whatever.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I pull up to the restaurant and they're like, oh wow, you drove?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you drive.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay, well, good for you.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Driving and shit.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking around, I'm like, nigga, we in Saudi Arabia?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you so shocked to see a bitch driving?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you from?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Smack and bitch's stand?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I call the whole region over there.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Smack and bitches stand.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's all they be doing over there.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just smackin' bitches.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, online, I like online dating because you can meet different flavors of men that you normally wouldn't be around.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Very different uh men on there.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: For example, like I'm I dated my first Latino for meeting on him on over there.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Latino men are fun.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: No one told me that they eat pussy for that long, though.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I it's like an extended amount of time.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was like three merengue songs.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, damn, you know how long one merengue song is?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking down, I'm like, you know I'm not gonna help you get citizenship, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can't lick the green quote out of me, honey.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you though, thank you.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Moshas gracias.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I met a West African man on there.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: That was fun.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: That was fun.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I loved the way he was because African men, they love women like in all shapes and sizes.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: They don't care.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like things that we are, you know, insecure about, like stretch marks and shit, they don't care.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: My West African man, I'm very hairy.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's my biggest insecurity.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't care.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he was kissing all over me.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped him like, hold on, baby.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't gotten a wax in quite some time.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Eva, I do not care.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I am a grown man.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, this man put my shit in scrunchie, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And gave me the best head I ever had, man.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Damn, when he was done, he box braided it and greased his scalp.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I said, God, damn.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love Muhammad.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't had you an African, get you one a day.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's only 30 cents a day to sponsor one.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I'm joking, I only fuck the rich ones.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I did have an interesting experience with online dating.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I went on a date with my first trans man.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: That was, yeah, it was fun.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't know he was trans from his profile, but you know, in person I figured it out.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't give a fuck.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too poor to have a phobia, okay?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: As long as you identify as a man who's paying this check.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of this motherfucking meal.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I care about.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: As long as your pronouns are Zell and Cash App, I don't give a fuck about what else you got going on.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a good day.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Conversation was good, the vibe was good.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: It went south when the bill came and his car declined.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, ooh.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, oh, don't worry, one of my six roommates are gonna send me some money.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what the fuck?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You live at jail, nigga?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Six roommates.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, long story short, he pays the bill.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: He says, Eva, I had a great time.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to take you out again.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I said, absolutely the fuck not.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: He got offended.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I thought we had a great time.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell me you're transphobic.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I said, no, baby, I don't date the poor.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm poor.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck are we gonna do together?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's your phone and stall, nigga?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I need help.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, first of all, that's poor planning on your on your end.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't you transition into a rich man?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So your transactions can go through.