Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 70: What If Things Actually Go Well? | Rethinking Visualization, Worry and What We Rehearse

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70: What If Things Actually Go Well? | Rethinking Visualization, Worry and What We Rehearse · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:00
  Speaker: If you're someone who spends a fair amount of time imagining all the ways something could potentially go wrong, I think today's episode might be for you.
• 0:08
  Speaker: I've got a little challenge that might help you channel that talented imagination of yours in a way that could completely change how your day unfolds, or at the very least, how you respond when it doesn't unfold quite the way you hoped.
• 0:22
  Speaker: Let's get into it.
• 0:27
  Tania: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:35
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:46
  Tania: Let's jump in.
• 0:52
  Speaker: Hello, friends, and welcome back to another episode of Banish the Lies.
• 0:56
  Speaker: Today, I want to talk about the power of visualization, but maybe not in the way that you've heard it discussed before.
• 1:04
  Speaker: I've been experimenting with a homework assignment from one of the programs that I'm in, and this assignment invites us to spend time in the morning visualizing how we want our day to go.
• 1:20
  Speaker: And let me just start by saying I'm not someone who has regularly practiced visualization, at least not in terms of anticipating good outcomes and spending some intentional time with them, partly because I don't find visualization that easy.
• 1:38
  Speaker: Some people seem to be able to see something in their mind's eye like they're watching some IMAX movie in 3D color, and that's just not been my experience.
• 1:49
  Speaker: Secondly, I've always had this...
• 1:53
  Speaker: I guess I'd call it a natural skepticism about visualization because sometimes the way it's been described makes it sound like a bit of a magic wand.
• 2:03
  Speaker: If you can see it, then you can create it or you can receive it.
• 2:08
  Speaker: And maybe that's been somebody else's experience, but it hasn't been mine to date.
• 2:14
  Speaker: That said, there's definitely something about this practice that I think is worth exploring, which made me want to share it with you.
• 2:23
  Speaker: And interestingly, it relates to how I normally respond to limiting beliefs.
• 2:30
  Speaker: Let me explain.
• 2:31
  Speaker: A lot of the time, and I think this has come through in many of my episodes, something happens in life that makes us feel anxious, and then we start examining the thoughts driving the anxiety.
• 2:45
  Speaker: Maybe it's thoughts like, "Ugh, this is gonna be a disaster," or, "I can't handle this," or, "This person is gonna be upset with me," or whatever it is.
• 2:55
  Speaker: And then you sit with a thought, maybe you journal about it, maybe you challenge it, you question whether it's true, and then maybe you choose a different thought.
• 3:04
  Speaker: And all of that work is incredibly valuable.
• 3:08
  Speaker: The disadvantage, however, is that you're often trying to address something that's already got considerable momentum behind it, and by the time you catch the thought, it may have already been operating in the background for a while, and it probably has the momentum of a ton of history behind it as well, because you've got all these proof points from your past about why this thing you're afraid of could happen.
• 3:37
  Speaker: So now you're essentially trying to stop the freight train when it's already in motion, and your nervous system may already be activated, so you may be bracing or controlling or defending.
• 3:51
  Speaker: Maybe you're trying to just overcome your catastrophizing And what this visualization exercise is helping me see is that in some instances, there may be a way to get ahead of the freight train, to get there before it leaves the station.
• 4:10
  Speaker: So what exactly is this visualization exercise, you may be wondering?
• 4:15
  Speaker: Well, it's still a very new practice for me.
• 4:19
  Speaker: I've only been doing it for a few days.
• 4:20
  Speaker: But essentially, it's about spending maybe 10 minutes in the morning imagining the day ahead, and it works particularly well when you already know a lot of what needs to happen in your day.
• 4:34
  Speaker: And you simply bring those things to mind, the events, tasks, people, situations, whatever you know you're going to encounter, and you imagine how you'd like them to unfold.
• 4:46
  Speaker: And perhaps most importantly, you imagine how you want to be inside of those moments.
• 4:53
  Speaker: How do you want to show up in that interaction?
• 4:55
  Speaker: How do you want to feel while you're working on that project, for example?
• 4:59
  Speaker: Or, you know, what kind of energy do you want to bring?
• 5:02
  Speaker: And importantly, you engage more than one of your senses.
• 5:08
  Speaker: So beyond the visuals, perhaps you can imagine how calm you'll feel, or how joyful, or how excited, or maybe you can hear something, or maybe even smell something.
• 5:21
  Speaker: Yes, apparently some people can even imagine smells.
• 5:25
  Speaker: I definitely don't have the smell thing going on, but I guess a lot of people do.
• 5:30
  Speaker: So whatever those senses are for you, pick at least two that are strongest for you.
• 5:35
  Speaker: And I tried this the other day, so let me fill you in on what happened.
• 5:40
  Speaker: My daughter and I were supposed to get up really early to drive to these outlet stores in Niagara Falls, Canada that she loves to go to.
• 5:48
  Speaker: And there was a fair amount that needed to be arranged around this.
• 5:51
  Speaker: You know, we needed care for our dog, and there was the drive, and getting across the border, and she had a bunch of back to school things that she needed to find, et cetera.
• 6:00
  Speaker: So the night before we were meant to get up early, she walks into my room at 3:00 in the morning.
• 6:07
  Speaker: She has not yet fallen asleep.
• 6:10
  Speaker: She's been on this summer schedule of getting up late and falling asleep late, and by 3:00 AM she still can't sleep, which means that now I can't sleep because once I'm woken up, it can be pretty challenging for me to get back to sleep.
• 6:24
  Speaker: So by the time my alarm went off in the morning, which wasn't that much later, I was already heading into my normal anxiety mode because I could see how things could go off course now.
• 6:39
  Speaker: And the thoughts that started flooding my very tired pre-caffeinated brain were things like, "Oh, man," you know, "she's never gonna get up.
• 6:49
  Speaker: We're gonna leave late.
• 6:50
  Speaker: I was supposed to drop the dog at this specific time.
• 6:53
  Speaker: That's probably not gonna happen.
• 6:54
  Speaker: What if there's traffic?
• 6:55
  Speaker: What if she's in a terrible mood?" Blah, blah, blah.
• 6:59
  Speaker: You can see where this is going.
• 7:01
  Speaker: And what's really interesting is that I started this episode by telling you I'm not particularly good at visualization but I noticed that I'm apparently very good at imagining all the things that could possibly go wrong.
• 7:19
  Speaker: I just don't do it in pictures.
• 7:21
  Speaker: Because as I was sitting there in my pajamas in my bed, nothing had actually happened yet.
• 7:29
  Speaker: You know, my daughter hadn't failed to get up, we weren't late, I wasn't sitting in a traffic jam, the day had not been ruined, And yet my body was already starting to respond to these possibilities that hadn't even occurred.
• 7:42
  Speaker: Perhaps you can relate.
• 7:44
  Speaker: You know, maybe it's the tightness in your chest, the dryness in your mouth, the pit in your stomach, whatever worry or anxiety feels like for you.
• 7:53
  Speaker: And I think this is one of the things about this visualization practice that has been probably the most impactful for me, because I recognize that when we don't stop and intentionally consider how something might go well, we can walk into a situation carrying the emotional residue of something that hasn't even happened, but that we've mentally decided is probably going to go badly.
• 8:20
  Speaker: So I'd been sitting in bed thinking about all the things I was afraid might happen, and now I was about to carry all of that into my day.
• 8:30
  Speaker: And that's going to affect how I respond to whatever actually does happen.
• 8:36
  Speaker: You know, I'm more likely to be impatient, controlling, anxious, more vigilant about watching for everything that's, you know, possibly gonna go wrong.
• 8:46
  Speaker: Except in this example, I remembered to try the visualization exercise.
• 8:52
  Speaker: So I thought, "Okay, let's give this a try and see what happens." The first thing I did was to go for a little walk while listening to some calming, centering music that I love.
• 9:05
  Speaker: And then when I got home, I sat outside on my balcony with my journal.
• 9:09
  Speaker: Then I used my breath to get even more centered.
• 9:12
  Speaker: And instead of following that train of disruptive predictions that I had started earlier that morning, I deliberately rehearsed another possibility.
• 9:23
  Speaker: I imagined waking up my daughter and her having enough energy despite very little sleep.
• 9:30
  Speaker: I imagined the drive going smoothly, getting across the border easily, her finding what she needed, and ultimately us enjoying our time together, you know, and laughing.
• 9:41
  Speaker: And I think the underlying sentiment was simply like, "This is, this is gonna be a good day." Now, just to be clear, this is not all unicorns and rainbows, because what happens next?
• 9:55
  Speaker: Well, my daughter had her own alarm set, and eventually I could hear it blaring from her bedroom.
• 10:02
  Speaker: She has this alarm that could wake the dead, and yet somehow does not seem to wake her.
• 10:07
  Speaker: So I heard the alarm go off, but then I didn't hear any movement, so I realized she's probably not up and I need to go in there and wake her.
• 10:15
  Speaker: And the first thing she mumbles almost inaudibly is, "I need 15 more minutes." Okay, I give her 15 more minutes.
• 10:25
  Speaker: I go back.
• 10:26
  Speaker: "I need 10 more minutes." "Fine." I come back again.
• 10:31
  Speaker: "Mm, Mom, I need five more minutes." And then finally, one more time, "I need six more minutes." Six.
• 10:40
  Speaker: That one I found interesting.
• 10:42
  Speaker: That was very specific.
• 10:43
  Speaker: And at this point, you might be thinking, "Well, so much for my beautifully envisioned morning." Except something was different.
• 10:52
  Speaker: I was different.
• 10:53
  Speaker: Rather than immediately going to, "Oh my God, here we go.
• 10:57
  Speaker: I knew this was gonna happen," I managed to stay playful with her.
• 11:02
  Speaker: I joked about the 15 minutes and the 10 minutes and the five minutes and the highly specific six minutes, and I took a lot of deep breaths, and I allowed the schedule to bend.
• 11:14
  Speaker: I didn't let the fact that the morning wasn't going according to plan become evidence that the entire day was now gonna go sideways, and I think that's what made the visualization so interesting to me.
• 11:26
  Speaker: It wasn't that I had perfectly visualized something into existence.
• 11:31
  Speaker: I had rehearsed a way of being before life showed up and tested me.
• 11:37
  Speaker: I'd already established this intention that the day was gonna be enjoyable.
• 11:42
  Speaker: I had already consciously thought about the kinda energy I wanted to bring, how I wanted to respond to my daughter.
• 11:49
  Speaker: So when reality started to deviate from my plan, there was already another path available to me because I had visualized it.
• 12:00
  Speaker: So normally, 15 more minutes followed by 10 more minutes followed by five more minutes, et cetera, might have sent me into a tailspin.
• 12:09
  Speaker: I probably would've become desperate or controlling or mean or impatient, but this time, having already rehearsed another way of experiencing the day, I just felt more anchored, and it just allowed me to show up differently, and I think that's an important distinction.
• 12:31
  Speaker: You know, the visualization exercise wasn't a guarantee, and it wasn't a prediction.
• 12:37
  Speaker: It was a rehearsal And perhaps even more specifically, it wasn't necessarily a roadmap for how the day had to go.
• 12:47
  Speaker: It was a roadmap for how I wanted to meet the day.
• 12:52
  Speaker: And that got me thinking about how often we do the opposite.
• 12:56
  Speaker: I don't know if I'd call it negative visualization because, again, I may not actually be seeing anything in my mind's eye.
• 13:03
  Speaker: Maybe it's more like unconscious rehearsal.
• 13:07
  Speaker: You know, I can think of many examples in the day.
• 13:10
  Speaker: You know, you, you have to have a difficult conversation, so you start thinking, "Oh my God, she's gonna be defensive." Or you have to give a presentation and you say, "Oh, I know I'm just gonna forget something," or, "I know I'm gonna screw something up." Or you have to travel somewhere and you say, "Uh, traffic's gonna be horrible." There are a ton of examples.
• 13:28
  Speaker: I do this more often than I'd like to admit.
• 13:31
  Speaker: So we may not be sitting there deliberately visualizing these negative outcomes, but we're still living psychologically in a future that hasn't happened while we're mentally rehearsing difficulty.
• 13:46
  Speaker: And then we're carrying that, you know, the emotional consequences of that rehearsal into the actual experience.
• 13:54
  Speaker: And this homework assignment has me also realizing something else.
• 14:00
  Speaker: Somehow I think I've spent much of my life believing that this pessimistic rehearsal is more realistic.
• 14:08
  Speaker: I mean, it makes for an interesting question.
• 14:10
  Speaker: Why is it that predicting that things will be difficult can feel more sensible and responsible, while imagining that they might go well can feel slightly naive?
• 14:23
  Speaker: Because in either scenario, neither one has played out, so either one is possible.
• 14:30
  Speaker: And this touches on something I've talked about before, which is how easily anxiety can masquerade as preparation.
• 14:38
  Speaker: There's this idea that if I worry about something enough, I'll somehow get ahead of it.
• 14:44
  Speaker: I'll be prepared.
• 14:46
  Speaker: I'll be safe.
• 14:46
  Speaker: But I'm seeing more and more how false that can be, because sometimes all that worry does is prepare me to respond to a new situation in a very old way.
• 14:58
  Speaker: Whereas anticipating that something might go well, or perhaps more importantly, rehearsing how I want to show up regardless of what happens, can help me respond differently.
• 15:10
  Speaker: And again, visualizing all this doesn't mean things are going to be smooth sailing.
• 15:16
  Speaker: My daughter didn't get up on time.
• 15:18
  Speaker: We left later than planned, and when we got to this outdoor outlet mall, it rained.
• 15:24
  Speaker: So my visualization was definitely not some beautifully fulfilled prophecy, and yet we had a fantastic day.
• 15:31
  Speaker: Not because I was hell-bent on forcing the day to match the picture I created.
• 15:36
  Speaker: That's actually the opposite of what I'm talking about.
• 15:39
  Speaker: What I could remain committed to, however, was how I wanted to participate in the day.
• 15:45
  Speaker: I could bring humor, flexibility, goodwill, forgiveness, joy.
• 15:50
  Speaker: I didn't have to enter the day already braced for it to go badly.
• 15:55
  Speaker: And maybe that's what I'm finding so interesting about this practice.
• 15:58
  Speaker: I'm not suggesting that visualizing your day is a magic bullet.
• 16:02
  Speaker: It comes with absolutely no guarantees.
• 16:04
  Speaker: But what I noticed was that it invited me to respond to triggering situations with something other than the old beliefs, the old anxiety, and the old ways of being.
• 16:15
  Speaker: I'd already created another pathway in my mind, a pathway that was there for me to hold onto when I needed it.
• 16:26
  Speaker: So if any of this is resonating with you, maybe you might want to try a little experiment.
• 16:34
  Speaker: You don't necessarily have to spend 10 minutes every morning visualizing your entire day, but perhaps just think about one thing that's coming up.
• 16:43
  Speaker: Maybe it's something you would normally feel a little anxious or concerned about.
• 16:47
  Speaker: And take a moment just to notice what your mind might already have been rehearsing about this event or situation.
• 16:59
  Speaker: Then ask yourself, "How do I want to experience this?
• 17:03
  Speaker: How do I want to show up, no matter how this day unfolds?
• 17:10
  Speaker: How do I want to feel?
• 17:12
  Speaker: What do I hope to see?
• 17:14
  Speaker: What do I hope to hear?" And just spend a few minutes rehearsing that.
• 17:19
  Speaker: Engage whatever senses work for you.
• 17:22
  Speaker: Maybe you can see it, maybe you can hear something, maybe you can feel into it.
• 17:26
  Speaker: Because at the end of the day, the opportunity here is to notice what future you've already been rehearsing in your head and what emotional residue you're carrying because of it.
• 17:38
  Speaker: Then give yourself a chance to rehearse something different.
• 17:42
  Speaker: Not necessarily a perfect outcome, but simply a different way of meeting whatever comes.
• 17:49
  Speaker: And if you do decide to try this, I'd love to hear from you.
• 17:54
  Speaker: There's a link in the show notes if you want to send me a text and fill me in.
• 17:57
  Speaker: All right.
• 17:59
  Speaker: Have an amazing day, and I'll see you on the next episode
• 18:08
  Tania: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 18:10
  Tania: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 18:14
  Tania: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 18:17
  Tania: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 18:21
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 18:26
  Tania: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.