Latest / Through the Sh#t with Jen McDowell / Olivia Mead | A Dream Can Change: Learning to Let Go of the Life You Imagined

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Olivia Mead | A Dream Can Change: Learning to Let Go of the Life You Imagined · Through the Sh#t with Jen McDowell

• speaker-0: I teach I just started teaching this course on grief for, to first responders. And one thing I talk about is recalibration. And there's there's like the short term, I gotta get up on my feet and go. And then there's the long term healing and and all of that and mourning. But you have your duty to do. So you gotta do something to recalibrate to get yourself up and going. And I felt that about the medication is that I needed something to recalibrate. I can't, when you're on the floor, yeah, don't ask me to do these higher levels. It's, it's Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I can't do the higher level thing. I gotta eat. I gotta take a shower. So recalibrate enough. Maybe it's breath work, maybe it's, throwing things or whatever, whatever you do to recalibrate to get you up on your feet speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: and going down the path today. And then you can start to think about the bigger picture of healing and mourning and all the things you need to do to process what happened. speaker-1: Welcome, I'm Jen McDowell, and you're listening to Through the Shit, a podcast for anyone going through the shit and the people who love them. And every episode we'll hear a new story of loss, hope, and resilience, and how going through the shit led to something greater. So if you're in the shit now and feeling lost or alone, disconnected from your badass self, or in need of an ember of hope to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're in the right place. So settle in, prepare to be moved and inspired, and welcome. to the shit. Welcome everyone. You're listening to Through the Shit. I'm your host, Jen McDowell. Joining me today is Olivia Mead, who is an all-around badass. Olivia, welcome. speaker-0: Hi, Jen. speaker-1: Yeah, it's great to have you here. Thank you for coming on the podcast. speaker-0: I'm so excited too. I've listened to your podcast. I listened when I first met you, I listened to the first episode and then the most recent episode. And I really liked what you were doing. So I'm happy to be here. speaker-1: Thank you. Yeah, and you've got a story of shit to tell. So let's tell the readers a little bit about who you are. Okay. Olivia is the founder and CEO of Yoga for First Responders, or YFFR. It's a pioneering organization that trains public safety professionals and military personnel to process stress, build resilience, and enhance performance through a unique yoga and mindfulness program. With over 20 years of experience in the highest level of yoga certification, Olivia is a renowned expert in resilience training. Initially focusing on yoga for veterans with post-traumatic stress, she then started teaching yoga to first responders at the Los Angeles Fire Department and soon developed a job-specific, culturally informed protocol integrating yoga, neuroscience, human performance, and cognitive reappraisal. YFFR's training protocol, validated by two clinical studies, is the first workplace delivered mind body program proven to reduce post traumatic stress, risk, and active duty first responders. Under Olivia's leadership, YFFR has certified hundreds of instructors worldwide who have collectively reached over 200,000 first responders. YFFR has expanded its reach with a training app. online courses and a podcast, which we will put a link to in the show notes. sought-after speaker and known subject matter expert, Olivia has personally trained federal law enforcement, the nation's largest fire departments, and more. Her dedication has made her a leading voice in advancing mental health and resilience for those who serve. Olivia, welcome. speaker-0: Thank you. speaker-1: excellent. Well, let's get started. Yeah. Tell me your shit. speaker-0: Yeah, I think the the p there is a a real period of time, and of course, we're all dealing with different kind of shit at the same time. But like I know with your story where it was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, one after the other, started in twenty seventeen with the crumbling of my first marriage. And that was kind of the beginning of it. The weird thing is The day my husband officially left me, which I knew was coming, but I was gonna like make him do it. He was trying to be mean to me, you know, so that I would like leave him. I dug my heels in the ground. I'm like, no, bitch, if you're gonna, if you're gonna, if you want this, you gotta go. Anyway, so he officially left me and I knew it was coming, all that stuff. And I went to take a shower before I actually left the house. And I looked in the mirror and like I smiled, but it wasn't me smiling. It was almost like my ancestors and the universe and all this stuff smiled at me like, you're free. You've you're and you're gonna be okay. That was the beginning of horribleness to come. But there was this unconscious, like magical ancestral smile of you're this is correct. This is correct, and you're being cared for. So, I was it was good that this was happening. I was not happy with this man. And it was a horrible process of loneliness and betrayal and bloody all all the all of it. And when I moved into my sweet loft apartment downtown, which was so cute, and I'm so happy it held me for the year after my separation. But when I put my closet, my my clothes in my closet. It they looked so lonely there because they weren't with my partner's clothes, speaker-1: Yeah speaker-0: So just those little pockets of loneliness that you don't expect. you're gonna your heart's gonna break when you put your clothes in your closet, So they're all these little minute things that getcha. so that was the beginning of it. The I had a a little bit of speaker-1: Pre YFFR days, yes? speaker-0: No, no, no. I started watching car in twenty thirteen. Yeah. speaker-1: Right. All right. So you were in the midst of YFF on. speaker-0: Well, and I actually think that was one of the reasons our marriage didn't work is he wanted me at home and I when we first got married, I was a cocktail waitress in Vegas and so he was like the knight in shine in shining armor coming to rescue me. He was an engineer and he was gonna pay for my life and he was like you can do whatever you wanna do. So When I started YFFR and volunteering at Los Angeles Fire Department, that's cute, right? Good, good for you. But then when it started to work and I started to be act being asked to speak at bigger and bigger audiences, and I was becoming a lady boss and traveling a lot, that's not what he signed up for. Yeah, so I think it was the me starting to become a lady boss was probably part of the reason that the marriage fell apart. And I had a a saving grace during this time. is that I the timing was maybe not great for society standards, but great for me. Was soon after, like a few weeks after my separation, I started to fall in love with someone and who is now my husband. And so and he was also getting divorced. So we were also kind of like bonding over this, you know? And you know, and we just were friends but hanging out a lot and stuff. And so this weird thing was happening where my heart was breaking and my heart was swelling at the same time for this new person. But what came with that also kind of sucked because he was my student at the fire departments and he had been my student for many months, but I had s 60 students at this department and he was one of many and I had had not had a separate conversation with him until a few weeks after my separation. I asked him if he would speak at this YFFR event. And he did. And then I took all the speakers out to dinner and he and I sat next to each other and started talking, right? So, and he was in the midst of getting divorced and he was also deciding if he wanted to stay with the fire department or not. And so his life was kind of changing. My life was changing. And he decided to not stay with the fire department anymore. He wanted to, you know, he wanted to find a a a career that would allow him to travel more and not have so much golden handcuffs on him. And he loved firefighting, misses it every day, but, you know, that was his choice for his personal evolution. So that's happening. He's getting divorced. When the department found out that he and I were dating, They were unkind to us, you know. I think they knew his ex-wife and knew them as a couple, and they were just not welcoming to us at events. And not everyone, but some of the important people in his life that he literally crawled through fire with were they were abandoning him. And I knew them. I was their yoga teacher and they loved and respected me. And all of a sudden they were being really unkind and and it's none of their business. Like, what do you care? You know? And maybe they saw him actually do something bigger with his life, you know? And there maybe there was some envy in there because he blew up his old life to be happier. And who knows, right? I think when we go against society's standards. People are mad and it's so weird. It's like, why do you care what I do? But we're supposed to stay married and be miserable. That's what we're supposed to do. And stay in the same job, go on vacation once a year, and then retire and hopefully live long enough to enjoy yourself. Like, fuck that, you know? And so he and I had that attitude together. We bonded. And again, We started dating maybe earlier than people thought it was okay after divorce. Start dating in January of twenty eighteen. So four months after I got separated. I'm so sorry, But that was hard on us to have like friend groups there just not, you know, abandon us or whatever. So that kind of sucked. We decided to move to Colorado together because we didn't, we were in Iowa. We didn't want to. be in the stupid snow anymore, so we move to the next the closest, coolest place, which is Colorado. speaker-1: Which still has snow, by the way, so speaker-0: Well, that's why I live in New Mexico now. So we were we were getting wester, Not as much as Iowa, I will tell you that. But that's where we began our IBF journey. Another element that probably led to my divorce and his was infertility. So he does not mind me saying this. He's very open about it, but Both he and my ex-husband have the same male factor infertility issue, which people are like, wow, you, what a coincidence, or you know how to pick them or something. And I'm like, but that's the reason that that's it's a good reason that people get separated, actually, a very common reason. And also worked out really well that neither one of us had kids with our first marriage. And I did try, and so did he. So I I did try with my first marriage. And so I think that was one of the reasons. So we knew right off the bat that we were going to have to go through a fertility treatment to have a child. I was 35 when I got separated. He was 33. And so we also knew you just no we just knew deep down, you're my person. And so literally started trying to have kids right away. And do you wanna know something that is gonna maybe make you mad? And speaker-1: Lay it on me. speaker-0: okay. Did you know? So I didn't get legally divorced until like a year and a half after I got separated because of back and forth and all that stuff. Right. And we tried to go to a fertility clinic and start this process, even freezing my eggs, even whatever, you know. And they found out I was legally still legally married to someone else, even though we're estranged. And they stopped the process. And this is why. Legally, my ex husband has ownership on my eggs. speaker-1: We checked with two speaker-0: Attorneys. And they were like, yeah. And so if I froze eggs, he has legal rights to them. If I froze embryos with my current husband's sperm, he has rights to them. Do I have rights on his sperm? No, of course not. So clinics will not touch that. Now, this was 2018, 2018. Yeah, twenty eighteen. So things may have changed, but at that time we checked with a couple lawyers. That was the way it was. speaker-1: Interesting. speaker-0: We had to wait till I was legal legally divorced. And then the beginning of 2019, we started the process for fertility. Another thing that happened right after that is because we're both divorced now, we are broke. We're at zero. And we are stuck speaker-1: Hm. Yeah. And and IVF is not cheap. speaker-0: I am still carrying the debt. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: So I'm I'm still actually in this process and I can tell you about that more too. But the financial shit. So yeah, we're dead broke, living in an apartment in our 30s. We both came from beautiful homes and other, you know, so we blow up our lives to be happier and you're literally starting again, which can which is great. But this is where the reframe comes in, right? I can now I look back and I'm like, wow, if I had the r if I had the mindset I had now, I would be like, and I had a little bit of this of wow, the world's my oyster. I get to start again. But at that time I was like, I'm 35 and a man doesn't want to be married to me. Wow, wow. And that does suck. But also you can have you can start to move the needle into another way of looking at it too. The The IBF process and I can tell you more about that too, but I what made it worse for me was I think I realize now I've probably had low level depression and anxiety my whole life. That I thought was just normal. I thought everyone felt that way. And now that I'm on medication for it and I've done a lot of work, I realize that life is actually better than I've ever had experienced it until I was, you know. 40 or whatever, 39, I guess. and so after my miscarriage, I it felt like, you know, IVF and all of it and getting divorced felt like little, little punches, right? Over and over again. And you're getting bruised and ow, ow, but you're still on your feet. That miscarriage was the TKO, was the total knockout. And I'm down. And I couldn't get up. I literally couldn't get and it's depression's different than sadness. They can coexist, but they don't necessarily have to. Because even on days I didn't feel sad, I still felt I felt like I weighed 300 pounds. It felt like I c I couldn't get I like physically couldn't get out of bed. And I was crying all the time and well, this was COVID, by the way. Hmm. speaker-1: So speaker-0: So, and that that I don't know how much that had to do with it because I was actually, there's no way I could have been out of the house anyway. So it was a nice excuse to stay hidden in my house. But so yeah, and when I turned 39, I had the miscarriage at 38, 39, another total knockout was when someone I worked with told me she was pregnant. And it felt like I Couldn't go five minutes without just tears, like a faucet. Not even sitting and having this big cry. It was just this constant low level faucet of It just felt like shit. And I felt like I can't win. God doesn't want me to be happy. All those phrases you can think of. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: to the point where my husband was like, so now I'm married to my new husband, right? And he was like, I don't I don't even know what to do to help you. Like, I don't know I don't know what's going I don't know. And so that's when and my therapist noted that I was exhibiting symptoms of depression by by things I was saying to her, such as I can't get out of bed, I feel heavy, I have no motivation. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: And I hit burnout with my with YFFR and basically told my team, I don't talk to me for two weeks and I don't care if this business is here when I'm back. I really could give two shits. And so yeah, I just I went to my doctor, started to describe what I was feeling. She put me on Zoloft. I felt like a failure for having to take medic medication. And that I'd done something wrong and that I didn't know how to pull myself up and I should be able to do this with the power of my mind because that's what I train people in and resilience and and neuroplasticity and how great the brain works. But also it can break and you need to put a cast on your leg. An athlete breaks their leg. Doesn't mean they're a bad athlete. And speaker-1: Pizza. speaker-0: gotten injured, So that's what it felt like. I just had gotten punched one too many times. So a friend of mine who's a social worker said, Why don't you? And she also had noted that I sounded like I had these symptoms. So she says, fill the prescription, put it in your purse, just keep it with you, and you don't have to take it. But now it's right there if you need it. Started taking it after the period of where you feel super tired and all that shit. And I normalized. Best thing, best decision I ever made. It brought me to baseline. So that I could take advantage of all the tools I was trying to use, right? Yoga, dirt link, meditation, all the stuff that I still promote and I still believe is effective, but I was underwater. So you can't make use of things while you're underwater. So the medication allowed me to come up above water so I could actually transform all this shit into resilience. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, think you teed up sort of this really interesting tension here in your story, right? It it starts with both you and your now husband having your lives rupture, kind of in very similar fashions at about the same time. And I think one of the first things that you brought up is this idea of your heartbreaking and swelling at the same time, which again goes back to this idea of both and. Yeah. you're grieving what was, maybe grieving dreams that you had for yourself with that partner, him maybe feeling the same way, and still feeling a lot of gratitude for having each other as support systems. grieving grieving the loss of friendships, the rupturing. It's kind of like the series of tiny ruptures that kind of became this big rupture. The the people in your lives falling away or treating you differently. Starting over in Colorado. What is it about Colorado? I felt like I tried to start over in Colorado too. speaker-0: We had that ta we had that. I think, you know what? I feel like Colorado you has this, I don't know, lore about it, but then you get there and you're like, I think it's I don't know, there's a I don't know how to describe it. speaker-1: Yeah, we don't need to malign Colorado, but suffice it to say we both live in New Mexico now. So Yeah. And then you find yourself in your 30s, broke, living in a tiny apartment. And and I think that's where some of the narratives come up, right? Is you know, I I should be able to do this and I I can't. And I think it's just this really interesting idea where The healer needs healing, essentially. And so how did you balance that? Because internally, you know, I I will use my own descriptions. When I was doing this, I felt very broken. And how do you portray this external or do you portray this external persona that is not broken in the work that you do? speaker-0: Well, I didn't feel the hopelessness twenty-four seven. I love my work. And my husband, you know, or then we were just dating, but he was doing it with me. So he came to my training, became an instructor, we would go teach together, travel together. So whereas my ex-husband was totally not part of my YFFR world. My new partner was part of it. We were presenting together. He's firefighter. I'm yoga teacher. We would talk about it together. And he became one of our top trainers. And so I was doing what I loved with the person I loved. That's great. That was that was awesome. And I would just get this boost. I love teaching. I love speaking. And so that felt great. And then you get in the car and drive home and start to feel a little bit heavier. So it wasn't when I'm when I'm doing my work, I put on, I don't want to say I put on this persona as if it's not part of me. It is authentic and part of me, but it's laser focused. I have my y my yoga teacher in India would always say to us, You've got to do your duty. You have to do what has to be done. speaker-1: Mm. speaker-0: And that's how I felt. I would recalibrate and get my shit together enough to do my job. And then I would go back to my life. And there were times I did feel great about it and felt hopeful. It's it's when you feel hopeful and you get punched in the face with which IBF sets you up for that. speaker-1: Mm. speaker-0: Because things don't make sense. for example, my first egg retrieval and round of IBF, I had 18 eggs retrieved, 15 of them fertilized. That's crazy. That's doesn't that's not how that happens. We were like, whoa, we're gonna have so many babies. Only six of them were frozen, like made it to the five day, and only one of them. was viable, completely viable. The others, it's a complicated, but one was completely viable. And I miscarried it. Are you fucking kidding me? You know, it doesn't make sense. So you get f these 15, 15 fertilizations, you feel you're on the right track. Well at least you get one embryo out of it. I got pregnant and then you it doesn't work? it doesn't make sense. So I think so. IVF is this perfect perfect storm to set you up to knock you off your center. So it was a lot of that. Like we're going, we're in love, we're having fun. And like we wouldn't not have fun in life. We did we went to Rockies games all the time and we were excited about starting our new life together and all the we're gonna have a baby, we're doing this process. So it wasn't twenty four seven of, just horribleness, but when it would suck, it would suck big. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, you've talked about the importance of having something that you can pour, pour your heart into. and I think that has come up in a couple of the other podcast guests as well as finding spaces or work or volunteer projects that make them happy and having support through that process to do it. I'm curious to what extent did you communicate to your students, to your fellow instructors, to your colleagues that this was happening in your life. speaker-0: Yeah, I we were not terribly transparent about it until after our miscarriage. and I think with the people I worked with, I told because I joke that like my coworkers know my menstrual cycle because because I like, I'm not gonna be here for this this day and this day. It depends on when I get my period though, and then da da da, you know. So they all it's like logistics, you know, operational at this point. But we kept it, maybe I was embarrassed, I don't know, but I kept it a little hidden, except for good friends. But after our miscarriage, we launched a candle company to pay for, we were making we used our grief creatively and were making candles at home because I was trying to make non toxic candles. I was trying to live a toxic free life, you know, to help me get pregnant, all that stuff. So we were making our own candles. And my friend said, What if you sold these to pay for your next round of IBF? So we launched this homemade candle company that we just are now actually closing, but our family members asked if they could take it over. So stand by everyone. Flicker mill candles may survive after all. But and I'll tell you a funny story. We launched this candle company December second, twenty twenty. Our daughter was born. December second, twenty twenty two. That speaker-1: fun. speaker-0: nuts. And we like launched it in, you know, I can go all into that, which is about reframing and meaning making, you know, which is kind of what we're talking about. but when we decided to launch the candle company, we're like, well, if we're gonna get, if we're gonna sell these candles, we gotta tell people what's going on. So Eric and I went on Facebook live and told our story. And what was happening and what was happening with us in our life and what we had just experienced and what we're and from then on I was super transparent about everything. And I found it to be the missing link, the miss the little key for me of thinking I was thinking things were shameful and needed to be hidden made the pain so much worse. But when I just was transparent, first of all, no one looked at me differently. I was embarrassed for no reason. No one was judging me. They have their own lives to deal with. And so many other people out there were experiencing the same thing. So I was in good company. They say worst club, best members, sort of a thing. so that really changed things too, just to be super, super transparent. I think it's different for everyone, but for me, I got nothing to hide and that makes it feel so much more freeing and less like a stigma. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, that that seems like a really critical moment here where you've gone from sort of hiding in the shadows to stepping out into the light. So what was that like for you? Because I think there's so there's such a tendency to hide those things. And our process of trying to hide ourselves and maybe protect ourselves a little bit ends up erecting walls. And so you've stepped out into the light now. Tell me about it. speaker-0: Well, I think the fear we can trace it all the way in our biology and all the way back in the little part of our brains that's trying to survive. Because, you know, in the animal kingdom, if you are the runt of the litter, if you're the weakest link, you're probably cast out of your little you know, what do they call it when animals are to get heard. Yeah, you know, you're You're probably cast out of that and not protected and that certain death, right, in the animal world and then way back in our ancient days, and we still have that part of the brain that will take over first before our logical twenty twenty six brain takes over. So I think that fear of saying we have a weakness And that's to reproduce, which is our biological reason for living, felt scary as if I was going to be ca remember, this is not logical, right? speaker-1: It's not the the the reasoning part of your brain. Right. Yeah. speaker-0: I'd be cast out, I'd be all of that. And remember, it did happen when Eric and I became a couple, we were cast out of friendship groups. Like, you know, it's not like it doesn't come from somewhere, but so I think that's where the fear comes from. And I was looking forward to being getting rid of that and being free of that. And so when we did it, and we made $5,000 overnight with people buying candles, right? Yeah. So we just felt this influx of love and support. And of course, there were a for a few comments that meant well, but were like, don't say that. You know, and now that's another thing that happened since I've kind of done my reframe and I've been on medication and I'm doing nothing like offends me really anymore. Like someone would say something about whatever, one person I knew a long time ago and came back out of the woodwork and was like, I wish I could give you my fertility. And I was like, Bitch, my fertility is fine. It's it's a male factor. You why are you assuming? we always assume it's the female, by the way. And my numbers were off the charts. So I got fertil I was so mad, but I was like defending now I could give two shits, you know? And I think that's part of being in I've done a lot of work around unblocking childhood programming, shadow work, all of the stuff that has led me to true authenticity, which is really hard to shake me away from that. So that's the other thing too, is when I so I December is when we said, Hey, this is what we're going through. February is when I turned 39 and went into existential crisis. My last year in my 30s. my f coworker, colleague, and friend got pregnant and that just plummeted me. So Octo so November I had the miscarriage. December we launched the candle company. February, I turned 39. And that's when it really hit hard the depression. And then in March or April, I went on Zoloft. So it's almost like Getting transparent was the catalyst of things. They got a little worse, but it was a catalyst of things getting better and new resources coming in. My husband gifted me this membership to a platform called To Be Magnetic. And it's labeled as like manifestation, but it's not vision boards or shit like that. It is true inner work and hard work. What have you been programmed to believe about yourself? We're gonna unblock that. What's your authentic code? What do you really want in life? Who are you really? All of this stuff. And it's hard work and I'm still a member. I've been doing the work for five years. I absolutely love it. It it helped me so much. But he gifted me that that Christmas after the miscarriage and I didn't start doing it till after I was on Zoloft. Again, I couldn't even think about doing that work until I wasn't drowning anymore. So I think becoming transparent was the beginning of things starting to shift. speaker-1: Yeah. Interesting. and and it's this idea of you gotta get back to baseline. And you said this before, so that you can actually start to do the work because when you are coming at it from a place of reactivity almost, sort of that primitive part of your brain, no amount of trying is going to work for you. And so for you a big piece of that was pharmaceutical getting you to baseline. So that then all of the other things that you knew as a teacher you could then start applying as a speaker-0: Finally got in alignment. And I teach I just started teaching this course on grief for, to first responders. And one thing I talk about is recalibration. And there's there's like the short term, I gotta get up on my feet and go. And then there's the long term healing and out and all of that and mourning. But you have your duty to do. So you gotta do something to recalibrate to get yourself up and going. And I felt that about the medication is that I needed something to recalibrate. I can't, when you're on the floor, yeah, don't ask me to do these higher levels. It's, it's Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I can't do the higher level thing. I gotta eat. I gotta take a shower. So recalibrate enough. Maybe it's breath work, maybe it's, throwing things or whatever, whatever you do to recalibrate to get you up on your feet speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: and going down the path today. And then you can start to think about the bigger picture of healing and mourning and all the things you need to do to process what happened. speaker-1: Hmm. Yeah. you've you've said something a couple of times, this idea of reframe. and so I'm curious and how important it is to be able to reframe it, to see the obstacle as an opportunity. And from what I've heard so far, a lot of it feels like you're you haven't hit the reframe yet. So where where did the reframe start to come in? to play. Same speaker-0: Yeah, it was right out of speaker-1: time as the recalibration. speaker-0: Well, I think once I started to get on medication and I started to do this to be magnetic work where I really I also think trying to have the baby was this ego driven thing. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: Instead, like I was trying to win. I'm gonna win IBF. I'm gonna get it done. And then it started to when I started to do the to be magnetic work, all of a sudden I was like, Why do I want to have a baby? What's in what why am I calling this in? So rather going this way, they call it calling it in, to you. Is it in alignment with with who you are and your authentic code? So, so I got a medication, was able to access that work, and then importantly, was able to access my own work. I was already teaching mental reframing. I was already teaching nervous system calibration. I could teach it Because I was saying all the right things that were correct to my students, but I wasn't in a place to access my own knowledge. So I took what I was teaching to first responders and I applied it to myself. You know, I applied it to they're dealing with high stress of public safety. I'm dealing with high stress of personal stuff going on. If you want to change your brain, you gotta change your breath, and your breath patterning. This is all yoga, by the way. This is why I teach yoga for first responders. It's not stretching hamstrings. Yoga is training mastery of the mind. And so that's what I do and that's what my research studies are on. speaker-1: Interesting. So you from your own experiences have seen what you do work for first responders for you. You mentioned your daughter. You mentioned being able to recalibrate so that you could start to use these tools. And you were successful at some point. speaker-0: Yeah, so our I s I our third transfer of our third embryo transfer worked to a live birth and I have my I my daughter and so that's awesome. And thank you. And then I had two transfers after that, one miscarried and one didn't work. And now the before my daughter, the two that miscarried and didn't work was before I had Figured my shit out. And then I had two after I figured my shit out. Both sucked. All of them sucked. And all of them were sad. And I was sad. But the two later, I had these tools and to to process it. So I was still sad. I still cried. I was still upset. But st I didn't lose myself. And I wasn't saying phrases of why me, God hates me. That wasn't the narrative anymore. You know? The the narrative was like, shit, like I, okay, do I, do I really still want this second child? What's happening? Like I was, I was processing versus just saying stuck, you know, and I was using my tools of breath work and movement to process it somatically. so it was definitely two different experiences before I had my daughter and after. And yeah, so I could kind of compare and contrast, you know, and I and I'm I'm using these in real time because I'm I'm gonna do another transfer in the next few months. And it's our last shot. It's our last two embryos. And I'm proactively already starting the mindset shifts and the journaling, and I'm already doing the work speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: preparing for whatever outcome. Because either outcome is gonna have some major challenges and pregnancy, postpartum, that ain't for the faint of heart. And and here's another thing I'll say too, Jen, about that. I've seen people go through IVF stuff in such a desperation ego victim mindset. They get pregnant, they have a child. Parenthood is ten times harder, in my opinion, than IBF. It is insane. It's so hard. And if you don't have your grit, if you don't have resilience and patience and breath work, you will freak out. It's It's so hard. It is so hard. So I am now s teaching people going through fertility stuff the same stuff I'm teaching first responders. It's a different kind of warrior, right? Because if you can use I always say too, if you have the money and the wherewithal, you'll get that baby. Yeah, you just gotta keep going, keep going, keep going. And and you know, you might have to change doctors or change protocols, but if you keep going, it'll happen. There are many ways to get it done. And so if you use the process as this opportunity to learn grit, resilience, and all of this stuff, by the time that baby comes, you will have the tools you need for when this little, you know, person screams in your face and you're already running late and all this other stuff, right? You will have your breath work, you will have your patience, you will have the tools you need to survive that. so that's why it's like, wow, IVF is such an opportunity speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: to get this amazing resilience that sometimes those who didn't go through IVF, I'm like How did you prepare for parenthood? You're just like raw dog in parenthood over here. My God. Like that seems so reckless. Like, you know? So there is someone that posted one time on Facebook, I have a gift, and she was like ran like ran through the mud by the social media community. I feel so bad for her. But listen, it doesn't have to be a gift for you, everyone who hears this. But for me, it was a gift. So and I think I I went all the way from God hates me to this is a gift over the last however many years it's been. speaker-1: Well years. And and I think that's really what post-traumatic traumatic growth is really all about is the resilience, the recognition that hard things are going to happen, but being able to use the tools that you have to ride that wave, to go with the flow, and to not have the setbacks be as debilitating as they once were. speaker-0: Yeah. And and you know what the thing is is we're just not taught, I think it's because it's so uncomfortable. We're all gonna experience something rough. Like that's just being in life. And we're not we're not given the tools. There are training tools for it. I teach all this stuff like serious training, like you would train anything else. We're taught to brush our teeth twice a day when we're little, but we're not taught resilient techniques, nervous system. autonomic fitness techniques. There are techniques and there's training for it. And I think it's because we don't want to say like, I don't know, I'm gonna I'm we're trying to pretend bad things aren't gonna happen or something. I don't know. We're uncomfortable with it. But it's like I want to train you, like with my daughter, to be able to feel, have the experience, feel all the emotion, process it. So I'm trying to teach her the tools because bad shit's gonna happen to her and I hate that, but it's true, and I'd like her to be prepared for it. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. To be prepared. So final question here. For you, you got the happy ending. An effort did lead to success. What do you tell someone who's maybe not there yet or who doesn't have that happy ending where the effort doesn't equal success? speaker-0: Yeah, well, and I think it also I think I would say, there is happy endings interesting because there this goes kind of goes back to surrender is what we are muscling wanting to be true and what is actually for our highest good. speaker-1: Mm. speaker-0: My happy ending when I met my husb my first husband. Was that we'd grow old together and have kids together. So with that was falling apart, sure, I could have said, I did not get my happy ending. What now? You got your happy ending. I didn't get my happy ending. I'm not dead yet. You know, that's not the end yet. And so if you're listening to this, it's not the end yet. You know, see what happens next. What you What you worry about is every moment in front of you What's her name? Gabby Bernstein said, we have to follow the feel good and feel good first. So if you're in a relationship that's not feeling right, don't bustle through it because you think the happy ending is staying together. If you are really hating IBF, it's not it's and it's listen, it's not gonna feel good, quote unquote, but also you kind of know when it's not right for you, right? Reassess that. And I'll be perfectly again. I'm I like being transparent and I'm gonna say this out loud. I thought two kids was what I needed. Period. I'm gonna have two kids. I'm an only child. Okay. I didn't have the greatest only child experience. So I was going to have two kids if, whatever. I may not. If these next transfer doesn't work, I may not. And then someone could say, well, you didn't get what you wanted. You didn't get the happy ending you wanted. But also, I'm about to be, I'm gonna be 45 in a few months. And I'm tired, dude. And I have other goals. And now for the first time in years, probably my whole life, because I always wanted more than one kid, right? I'm actually saying, I think a dream can change. speaker-1: Mm. speaker-0: And I think that's okay and it's not failure and it's not giving up, but we change and dreams can change too. So if we can find who we are authentically and constantly meet that and f really calibrate what feels good authentically, then we're going in the right direction. And again, you're not dead yet. You don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that's a beautiful way to sort of tie up some of the the lessons and takeaways that I'm having from our conversation. going back in no particular order to this idea of your heart can break and swell at the same time. I I think this idea of healing pouring your heart into something can help you heal, especially if you have support through that process. hiding made your pain worse. and then I think the last thing is really this idea of permission. And it came up in a couple of ways. Permission to get help, permission to let go of the expectations, and permission to change your happy endings. Really. speaker-0: Yeah. There isn't a right way and no one is no one is taking score. This is your one wild and crazy life. You do what's going to make you feel happy and feel fulfilled and who gives a shit about what anyone thinks of it. speaker-1: Yeah. Well, on that note, any final words? Well Olivia, it's been a pleasure having you here. Listeners as always, thanks for listening and we'll see you on the flip side. That's it for this episode of Through the Shit. Thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, like, share, and subscribe. And maybe send it to someone who needs a boost because they're going through the shit. While you're at it, tell them how important they are to you. If you have a story of shit to share or you're in the shit now, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at through the shitpodcast at gmail.com or go to our website at through the shit.com. I'll see you on the flip side.