Latest / The Rooted Family / Ep 25 | How to Show Up for Someone Who’s Grieving (Tangible Ways to Love Them Well)
Transcript
- Christian Cornish: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Not just productive, not just caught up, but settled. Because most of us aren't lacking desire for a slower, deeper life, we're just stuck in the busyness that keeps us rushing right past it. That's why we created the Slow and Savor Society. It's a snail mail club. Yes, it comes straight to your mailbox. It's a simple, tangible way to slow down each month with a piece of art, a cozy recipe, and a letter designed to help you reconnect with what actually matters, with God, with your family, and with your own soul. if your life has felt full, but not meaningful. This is your invitation to begin again. You can learn more or join us at legacyrootsco.com slash Mel Club. And right now, if you use Code Podcast, you'll get 50 % off your first month so you can try it out. Now back to the episode. Last week we talked about one of the hardest parts of loving someone through grief, knowing what to say. We talked about why we shouldn't rush people past their pain, why it's so important to validate before we encourage, and how our presence often speaks louder than our words. But today we want to answer a different question. Once you've shown up emotionally, what do you actually do? Because loving someone well isn't just about saying the right thing. Sometimes it's bringing dinner, sometimes it's folding laundry, sometimes it's sitting in a hospital room with a cup of coffee and saying almost nothing at all. Looking back over Darla's first year, there were so many people who loved our family in tangible ways. And honestly, those are some of the things we'll never forget. So today we want to share those stories and hopefully give you some practical ideas for how you can love someone who's walking through. One of the hardest seasons of their life. Looking back, Kayla, what do you remember most about the presence of others in? This season that we went through. Yeah, I just think about gosh, so many people showed up for us. my heart is overflowing with gratitude. Thinking about how people did not just say they were praying for us, which is wonderful. We will always, always, always be grateful for people praying for us. But people went. Beyond above and beyond, and like literally showed up. I think about when I first moved to Denver, I had to be there for four weeks before you and the kids came up for the birth. And I had friends from all over the country, few, close friends that came individually to stay with me in my apartment in Denver. Who, you know, they were there not to try to fix the situation. They weren't trying to like do anything except just sit with me. And there were times where sometimes we would just sit in silence together, or we'd cry together, or we would just play a game and not even talk about anything related to this the situation. And those people showing up at my doorstep, like literally, I will remember. those moments forever. I think about when after Darla was born, I again had friends who showed up and sat with me in the NICU with me as we just waited for Darla's healing. I mean, days upon days, so many friends who just were willing to drop what they were doing in their own life and literally just sit with me. And I don't honestly remember anything that was said, but I remember their presence. And truly, there are no words to describe like how grateful I am for people who are willing to go out of their way to just be with me. And I know you had a similar experience too. I mean, our buddy Jake from Asheville came and stayed with you and the kids. I wasn't even home. what was that like for you? Well yeah, it was amazing because you know, at that point, of course it was amazing to have somebody here to help. But more than that, it was just having a friend. Mm-hmm. my kids are amazing. I love them. They're like my favorite people in the world. But they can't relate or just be there for me in the same way. Mm-hmm. Especially as young as they are. So to have somebody there was Truly great. I mean, it was somebody to laugh with, somebody to tell stories with, somebody to just ask what was going on. So just to even for me to be able to look at another adult and l ask them questions and hear from them. and I don't ever want to jump to escapism. That's not it. But it's just it's healing to have your mind taken off the struggle in front of you. And just somebody's presence can really help do that. Especially when you start talking about something fun or something different. we watch basketball. somebody else's presence kind of gets you out of your own head. Mm-hmm. And that was amazing. I kind of learned through this experience my limit was like two weeks. if I didn't have you or somebody here after two weeks is when I started to turn into like a not so great person, a not so great dad. When you went cuckoo. I would go coocou. and so yeah, like my parents coming and staying for a while. Or Jake coming, your parents came at one point. my sister. You know, just like you coming home. I needed just some level of support. Every couple weeks. just somebody being there made me know that they cared or that I was cared for or that we were thought of. It's like and were not alone. Totally. It's like you don't have to have the right words to say. But I think people underestimate how healing and how powerful your presence can be for somebody. I think we avoid maybe visiting or sitting with the hurting because we don't know what to say. Again, the focus is back on me. We're afraid that we don't say the right thing. But when people are walking through something hard, they truly would love someone to just sit in the chair next to them with a hot cup of coffee. Maybe a donut, that makes things better too. and and just sit together. I remember being in the NICU, and I'm like, if I had a good friend just sitting on the couch with me and we were just even sitting there, I was painting and maybe she was reading. We weren't saying a thing. It was literally her being in the room with me. I felt like it was like the biggest hug you could have given to me. if you're listening to this and you have a friend walking through a hard time or family member, just go sit with them. Like be willing to just go to them. Your presence will make a difference. Your hug makes a difference. Your hospital visit makes a difference. Your coffee and donut makes a difference. just you even your silence, you don't even need the right words because sometimes the greatest gift is simply sitting besides someone. Your presence really will speak louder than any word that you could ever speak. So sometimes presence looks like sitting quietly, but other times it looks like rolling up your sleeves. And I think this is where we want to encourage you to take it one step further. If you are walking alongside of someone that is hurting, going through grief, suffering pain, I want you to really ask yourself, what do they need? And I don't want you to ask them that question. Because most of the time, if you ask a hurting person, well, what do you need? How can I help? They're just gonna say, it's okay, we're good. They're not going to actually tell you how to help them. They don't, for one, they don't have emotional capacity to think about it. Two, most people, they feel uncomfortable accepting help and they aren't going to tell you what kind of help you should do for them. So I really, I think the biggest thing is really you determining how do you want to help this person and almost just. either offering options and saying, Okay, I can wash your laundry for you or I can come and clean your house for the next two hours, which one would be most helpful for you? Yeah, like have you ever said to somebody, what can I do for you? And they say, Can you bring me dinner? Can you come clean my house? Has that ever happened? Like I've literally never said that and had a an actual useful response. Or I've never heard of somebody actually giving a useful response. Yeah. It just doesn't happen. Yeah. What one some of my favorite ways that people helped us when we were going through this situation with Darla were people who just said they were gonna bring us a a meal or they didn't even ask. They just sent us gift cards to DoorDash. It was such a blessing to just receive because you and I definitely love to serve. We love to give. and it to be on the receiving end and not even have to make a decision about that, but just to simply receive it was like freedom, like a true gift of just accepting. Yeah. Let me give a really tangible example. you know of somebody who's going through a hard time and you were gonna say, Hey, you should take some time for yourself. That's really nice. That's very, very true. When you're in the midst of something like a NICU stay, like it's really hard for you to give yourself permission to leave. So if you were to say, Hey, you should take care of yourself, or hey, you know, I love you. Like, make sure you get out a little bit, like get yourself some fresh air. Hey, here's a Starbucks gift card. It's five bucks. that person will feel like, I have the permission now to go and spend that five or ten dollar Starbucks gift card. Or if you know that person is going through something really heavy, maybe like a parent passed away, for instance, just giving them a meal is like giving them permission to take care of themselves. Because it's so hard to Make dinner for your family on top of working, on top of everything else going on, and you have this really hard thing. So when you take something off their plate, like a gift card, like you said earlier, that's what you're doing. You're taking something off their mind or their plate. And yeah, if you have the time and capacity to show up and do somebody's laundry, or like grab a basket and just even take it back to your own house, I mean that's one less thing they have to think of. It is truly, truly huge. Amazing gifts they might actually be small in the grand scheme of our life. Yeah. Or our finances. Yeah, like a five dollar Starbucks card, that is so easy and and accessible for anyone to give, but it speaks volumes. Yes. And like I said, it gives permission. Yeah. To do the thing that you would love to encourage them to do. So that would be like a a tangible piece. I think about how the body of Christ we are called to Carry each other's burdens. And there's a way we can do that in the spirit by being prayer warriors for each other. But I think that when we think about carrying each other's burdens, like someone walking through a really difficult time, they're carrying a very heavy burden. Their mind, their body, their emotions, their soul, everything feels the burden. And when you do something tangibly to love them. And take a little bit of that burden from them, I feel like that is truly what it looks like to be the body of Christ. Yeah. And doing things like bringing a meal, giving a gift card for somewhere, bringing someone groceries, washing their laundry for them, mowing their lawn. Like for you, you had people that would occasionally take all six kids from you so that you could have a break because you were watching all six kids by yourself for months and months and months. Like that alone was relieving some of the burden from you. And that was a really big thing. And I get that. Like taking six kids is a big deal. I'll tell you one of the best things I had someone do was simply bring the kids home from school. Because as a single dad at home, trying to feed my kids, bathe them, clothe them, get them out the door, work 40 hours, then try to Do all of that again in the evenings, it took out something that felt monumental because it was like, Okay, now I'm gonna stop work and I'm trying to do all this other stuff. And it was one big thing to have my kids safely return home to me each day was a big task that actually truly, it only saved me like twenty minutes. But man, was that amazing. That carried the burden with you, you know. one thing that really blessed me being in Denver and staying at the Ronald McDonald house with no one except myself. You, yourself and I. Yeah. basically my rhythm was get up in the morning, I had my quiet time, I'd get ready, I'd go to the hospital around like 839, maybe earlier. And literally just stay at the hospital all day long until dinner time and I'd go back to the Ronald McDonald House for dinner and then go to bed and do it all over again. And I didn't have, you know, outside of the few friends that I made from the Nikki parents or some of the nurses that I became close with, I was pretty lonely. And one of the things that really blessed me was receiving packages from Some of our loved ones from different friends across the country would just send me random packages filled with goodies, like gift cards and books to read and journals, like fun little stickers. And I don't know, there were just so many sweet little gestures in those packages that made me smile. And I mean, the the thing that really mattered to me was just being thought of. Because it was so long that Darla was in the hospital. It felt like it was going on forever. And to receive like surprise mail at the house really made my week. And and actually, just as an encouragement to those of you listening, if you send tangible items to someone when they're going through a hard time, it stays with them. Like I even to this day, this is one year later. that we came home from the NICU, I still remember the exact people that sent me packages or mail during that time. And so I just I say that because you'll never, I don't think, fully realize how much you'll touch someone's heart by going out of your way to send them, whether it's a letter in the mail or a, you know, a full-out care package. But it will stay with them. I can guarantee you that I'll probably remember those people and it and probably what they sent me for years to come. Yeah. Happy Meal is a real thing. Happy Meal is a real thing. Yeah. It really puts a smile on people's faces. So that really touched my heart. And I think our family, when I think about the tangible ways people loved us during that season, I would say the meal train was. very high up there. I mean, getting a a warm meal brought to your home so you don't have to cook while you're trying to figure out life through this hard s you know, time, it really is a blessing. It was a tremendous blessing. and to know that we were cared for and thought of. it really is a very tangible way to show the love of Christ. it's something you have to do every day. You have to figure out how you're gonna eat and you don't want to eat like trash over a long period of time. And, you know, with work and with bedtime routines and showers and just picking up your home so it's not a total big sty. I mean, there's so much to squeeze in that short precious evening. And so having that tangible help was absolutely amazing. It really felt like the town and our church carried us through with the meal train. That's a really good way to put it. the meal train started up while I moved when I moved to Denver and it literally continued almost the entirety of my time. Being gone. Yeah. And there is something about going to church after all that and feeling like these are our people. These are the people who take care of us. And when now something happens within our church community to others, we want to tandemily turn around and do onto others as was done for us. And so I think that's just really beautiful how. we can tangibly take care of each other in that way. Totally. Yeah. So I think the biggest takeaway from this point is that just don't underestimate how important it is to do something tangible for the people in your life that are walking through a very hard time because your love becomes believable when it becomes tangible. You know, we can tell people we love them all day long and your words do matter, but there's something about when you put action behind it, it really communicates so much. And when people are walking through a hard time, especially one that lasts for a long time that doesn't seem to have an end in sight, it can be very exhausting and very draining. And oftentimes you'll find that people will help a lot on the front end of the grief and the suffering. But as time goes on, like people forget that you're still walking through that. Or people will have maybe helped a ton at the the front end, but they'll have gone on with their own life understandably, you know, their life is continuing to move forward too. And I think there's something really, really special and Precious when there are a few people that come alongside of you while you're walking through a hard time and they continuously showed up. I have a couple friends in particular that continuously checked in on me even sent multiple packages or multiple letters. Like it wasn't even a one-time thing. It was a continuous support. And there's something really special about feeling. Like you're just not alone and that people see you. I think that's what it is. It's like when you go out of your way to do something tangible for someone, you're telling that person, like, I see you and I'm here for you and I want to go out of my way. I'm willing to sacrifice myself, whether it's my time to make a meal or my finances to give you a gift card or my energy to shoot you a text message or hop on the phone with you or pray with you. I'm willing to give of myself so that I can be there for you. And that speaks volumes. Okay, so the last point we want to make today is actually we we want to give some sort of a word or of encouragement to those of you who are walking through a hard time right now, whether it's the grief of someone that you've lost or you've walked you're walking through something similar to us, whether it's a medical situation or a diagnosis that feels like it's long-term suffering or any other kind of hardship that you could be walking through. We want to give you an encouragement today to let the people in your life love you and to let them serve you. it is hard to accept help from people. Would you say that? That it's difficult in general to accept help? I do think so because nobody wants to feel like a burden. And it's easy to feel guilty because you're in the circumstance and you're inconveniencing people, or, you know, you know people have a lot going on in their life. And so you understand it probably was a lot for them to go out of their way to to do this for you. And especially if you feel like a very self reliant person or someone who can do like most everything for yourself. we were talking about this at church today, like there's a loneliness epidemic. And part of that is this idea of I have to do everything myself, I don't ask for help, is very common and really prevalent. And so it is really hard to ask for help, but I would say, you know, remind yourself that you're not a burden. Like if you do something for somebody else, you don't think about like how big of a burden they are to you. No. You know, you don't think they're a loser, or like you you think that they're just going through a hard time. And so, you know, remind yourself of those truths so that you can receive the gifts that God has for you. the Lord doesn't always just show up and and give a miracle to make something better. Sometimes he brings his church, his community around you and They support you, and that's the way he's providing for you in that season. And so we definitely want to encourage you to be willing to accept. because that we understand it is it is hard to accept. It's hard to accept that things aren't going well. It's hard to be vulnerable with other people about that. But walking the path alone is actually significantly harder. Totally. And we nobody wants that for you. Yeah. You don't want that for you. and your community does want that for you. It's really humbling too. You know, when you're walking through a hard time and there are so many people that want to hopefully support you and help you, it's humbling to accept all of the help and to realize that you can't do it all. And maybe that is one of the blessings in disguise with all of it is realizing I am not able to do this alone. That I need other people. I need God. I need the body of Christ. And perhaps that is a really good place to be in a place of need and recognizing our need. Because yeah, I think that we do get caught up in this idea that we can just power through and try to do it on our own. But like What kind of life is that? You know, if you're already walking through something so painful and so hard and you don't accept the help that people are trying to give you, or even asking for help, I mean, that's even the braver thing to do is to ask for help and say, I do need, could you bring me a meal? Or could you help pick up my kids from school? Or could you help wash my laundry for me? I mean, that is very humbling to ask for that kind of help. But in in the long run, I mean, it is such a blessing to give. And I think we also, when we do that, when we ask for help or we allow people to help, it allows people to be part of the story that God is doing. And so I think let the people help you. If there are people that are willing to help you, let them help you because it is a joy for them to give to you. And it gives them a place in the story. And that's really beautiful too. Yeah, I think it's fair to say we wouldn't have made it through that time, at least in the same way, without allowing people to help us. And we are again, I think we said in our last episode, we can never thank all the people who came around us enough. And we are beyond grateful. And we get to now having also learned this lesson, get to do that for others. And I think that's what the body of Christ is all about. Yeah. And it's really beautiful. It is so beautiful. So yeah, that's our biggest encouragement for you today. If you are the person walking through a hard time and you are needing help or you see people wanting to help you, just be open to that and be ready to receive. There will be many times in your life that you will be in the place where God is asking you to give and to help, but this is your time. To let people love you and to serve you. And that is such a beautiful give and take. So I want to encourage you, if someone came to mind today while you were listening to this, don't ignore that. This week, text them, call them, hug them, bring them coffee, make them dinner, watch their kids, fold their laundry, pray with them, sit in silence if needed. You don't have to change your circumstances. In fact, you you really can't change their circumstances, but you can change whether they walk through them alone. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And as we prepared for this episode, we just kept thinking about one of the greatest gifts that someone can receive during a difficult season. And I had mentioned earlier how special it was for me to receive packages in mail from loved ones at the Ronald McDonald house. And There's really nothing you can give to someone that will help them truly escape their pain. But giving to somebody going through a hard time, it can help them to slow down and to really just find joy in in the hard circumstance. And so something that we had thought about that could gently help them slow down is the Slow and Saver Society, which is our snail mill club. It's something that will help them slow down long enough to meet God in the middle of their pain, not escape their pain, but to meet God in the middle. So every month the Slow and Saber Society arrives to their doorstop, to their mailbox with original artwork that was painted by me, thoughtful journal prompts, some comforting recipes for my kitchen, and a letter designed to remind someone that they aren't forgotten. So if someone came to mind while listening today, like a friend who's walking through grief or illness or who's caregiving, who's struggling with infertility. or simply just going through a difficult season, consider blessing them with a slow and savor subscription. Because sometimes the greatest gift doesn't remove the suffering. It simply reminds someone that they don't have to carry it alone. Looking back over the hardest year of our lives, we certainly remember the surgeries, we remember the fear, we remember the uncertainty. But we also remember every meal, every handwritten letter, every cup of coffee, every friend who sat beside us, and every person who quietly carried part of our burden. If someone came to mind while you were listening today, don't ignore that. Send the text, make the meal, buy the coffee, fold the laundry, watch their kids, sit in that hospital room, be the person who shows up. You probably won't remember everything you say, but they probably will never forget that you came. Thank you so much for being here at the Rooted Family Podcast. We're so glad that you have been with us, sat with us through these episodes. And we look forward to seeing you next week.