Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / My Students are Not the Future | Erica Nicole Clark | Stand Up Comedy 🤣😁😁

Transcript

My Students are Not the Future | Erica Nicole Clark | Stand Up Comedy 🤣😁😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am just gonna tell you guys a little bit about myself.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do in my comedy.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have any teachers here?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Make some noise?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I am a teacher in the daytime.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're a teacher, sir?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's your name and what do you teach?
• 0:11
  unknown: Vaughn.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Vaughn.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh anybody else teach?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, give it up for Vaughn.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna show you guys a magic trick.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because Vaughn is a teacher.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a teacher.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have the same heart.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you guys aren't teachers, you probably don't know this.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: But every teacher wants every non-teacher to know from the bottom of our hearts fuck these kids.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck fuck each and every one of your fucking kids.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you're on the fence, do not have any fucking children.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Please stop, okay?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're not the future, they're not anything.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're I went back to school to get my law degree because I thank you, thank you.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because I believe that children need to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um I taught kindergarten uh for 12 years.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I taught, I'm from Chicago.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I taught up in the northern suburbs of Chicago.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I taught like in an all-white school.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: All my students were white, taught there for like 12 years, right?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: After the pandemic, I quit and I was just like, I can't take it anymore.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I got bored.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I went back.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, if I go back, it has to be totally different.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm substituting in high schools on the south side of Chicago.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, y'all in Ohio know that's fucking different, right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because the first day of class when I walked in, I was subbing sophomores.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: This boy came in, and he was like, hell yeah, I just passed the driver's ed exam, right?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And and a boy came in behind him and was like, You don't need no car to fuck these hoes.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my god.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Darius?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck, right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I caught 22 hoes on foot.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my god, the price of pussy has dropped.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck, right?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing I love, because like I said, I always worked with little white kids.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working with all teenage black kids.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Black kids come up with the best slang terms, right?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I can figure out what any slang term means, except if you use it the right way.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you use it in the right context, I can figure it out.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't know if you guys know this.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Teenagers are taking slang terms, like I'm 40, they're taking slang terms that I use as a teenager, and they're flipping them to make them mean something else, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you two examples.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: One, I don't know if you guys, there's a couple black people here, but do you guys know what a bust down is?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a bust down is a hole.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a slut, right?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really derogatory term.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Today, a bust down is a middle part wig.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the shock in everybody's faces.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's me when I was in class, and these two girls were like, girl, I just paid$300 for this bust down.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, What?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Where the fuck you find a$300 hose at, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another one.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: These boys were like, this is so fucked up.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: These boys were looking at their phone and they were like, Yeah, that girl's a face fucker.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you can fuck that girl's face.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, she's a face fucker.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, right?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I walked behind them to see what they were looking at.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they were just looking at pictures of pretty women, right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not naked women, not girls with their asses out, just whatever.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like, why do you keep calling those girls face fuckers?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this boy was like, oh, Miss Clark, a face fucker is a girl that's so pretty that you'll fuck her while staring at her face.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's not.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Google face fucking and tell me what y'all see, right?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You'll see a bunch of bitches crying and shit, like, ah, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um this boy was like, why are you tripping, Miss Clark?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: You a face fucker.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, stop it.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stop if I get arrested.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you a junior, right?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is so fucking cute.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh adorable.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, you alright?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if anybody asked you guys about this, but do we have weed smokers here?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Woo! Yeah, we got weed smokers.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do y'all buy from a dispensary or do you buy from like off the block?
• 4:30
  unknown: Dispensary.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Dispensary block.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Block.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: See, it's a race question.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't understand it.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you ask white white people, are like, I want to pay taxes.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Black people, Mexican, whatever, they like, nah, I support black businesses, right?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Weed, okay, so I'm not even like when I I do have like a weed man in Chicago, but like, hey, to my people who call the weed man, the plug, the connect, like, have you ever called him and he was busy and he pissed you off?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I called the weed man before I came out here, and I'm like, oh, I need some weed, I'm going out to Ohio.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Oh, I'm sorry.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at the park with my sons.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sir, get the fuck back on the block.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't give a fuck about your kids.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're a drug dealer, bitch, right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I call the police on your ass, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I'm not even like, I know people are like, oh, I smoke blunts.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can like, if I smoked an entire blunt by myself, y'all would never see me again.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I take off running like Forrest Gump, right?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like I'm a two-puffer, four-puff, like, that's it.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then I become like the question lady and shit.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, because I think I'm dead, so I have to interact with people.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if they're not paying attention, I have to keep asking, like, and I will, would you rather you to death?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'll be like, would you rather have a dick in the center of your chest or on the bottom of your foot?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I can't, I can't stop, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my boyfriend smoked so much weed, and like, like, I was with okay, this is okay.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I had an epiphany last weekend.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is my epiphany.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: If given the chance, don't get tight on me, y'all.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: If given the chance to be the opposite of who you are, you will be the most toxic version of that thing.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my boyfriend were super high, whatever.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're watching on, I think we're watching Temptation Island, whatever on Netflix.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um I love watching shows like that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, um, I love watching documentaries too, like where like white women get scammed and shit.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it makes me laugh so hard because it's your own fucking fault, okay?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You need to get some black friends in your life.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: But so we were we were high, we're watching Temptation Island, right?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I had an epiphany.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I asked my boyfriend, what would you do if you were a woman for one day, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, What are you talking about?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you have your brain, right?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Outside, you're a bad bitch.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Got titties, ass for days, whatever, you know?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what would you do?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, shit.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Stand on the block.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wait, what?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: He likes stand on the block, you know what I'm saying?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Offer a little pussy, you know what I'm saying?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I have various prices, you know,$300 for a hand job,$500 for some dick, you know, what, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: He like, I probably even go over to where the Cubs play at.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you stand in front of Wrigley Field selling pussy, right?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you crazy?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, okay, what would you do if you was a man?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, shit, drive around looking for your whole ass.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Try to get my dick sucked, you fucking bust down, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Goddamn bust down.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm gonna tell y'all a little bit something else about my life.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm in a relationship.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's anybody in a relationship here?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Make some noise, ladies.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies, I want you to clap if you've lived with your significant other for like longer than two years.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, keep clapping if you've made it past three.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You see how the energy shifted?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: They hate you.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh every woman in here who's lived with a man has woken up in the middle of the night and looked at that man sleeping and thought to yourself, I should smack the fuck out of him right now.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what woke you up, baby?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You had a dream?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had a dream about them pigeons again, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm gonna leave you guys with this story.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I am um, I'm from Chicago.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh do we have people who grew up in the 80s here?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have a famous father.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, my dad is Mr.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: T.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, the Mohawk Gold Chain.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Most people think I'm lying when I say that, but I'm like, why would I pick him?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who the fuck is lying about Mr.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: T, right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I grew up in the 80s and 90s, so either everyone believed me or no one believed me.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there was no in-between.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a very wealthy neighborhood, so everybody believed me there, because they were like, why the fuck else is your black ass here, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when I was a kid, we lived on the south side of Chicago, and like I get it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm a black girl at an all-black school, and I'm trying to explain to my friends that the reason why they've never seen my dad before is because he's doing WrestleMania with Hulk Hogan, right?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, everybody was like, shut the fuck up, Erica, right?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And those were the teachers, right?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I got this complex, and this is for real.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: My friends will tell you, or like people I meet.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm on stage, I'll talk about my dad, but I never tell people like who my dad is or like stuff I've seen, because no one ever believes me, and they like really don't.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I will give you an example, like, because like when I was in kindergarten, first grade, like kids kind of like ostracized me and wouldn't talk to me because I was like little lying ass Erica, you know, like they didn't believe me.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so this one weekend, all right, I'm gonna tell you guys this, don't tell anybody the story.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: But this one weekend went to this WrestleMania event with my dad, and he was uh partners with Hul Kogan, right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad, it was the first time I was seeing wrestling live, right?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad's like, don't worry about it, it's fake.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: He's telling me I have a sister who's eight years older than me.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Oh, don't worry about it, it's all fake, whatever.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Blah blah blah.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's in this wrestling match with this guy named Um Roddy Roddy Piper.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys know who that is?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's another dude or whatever, right?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad gets into the ring and immediately Roddy Roddy Piper flips my dad in a way and he cracks my dad's ribs, right?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad has to go to the emergency room, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So me and my sister are crying, whatever.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: They take my dad to the ER, they bring him back to the he comes back to the hotel room, he's all bandaged up.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And like Hul Hogan's in our hotel room, and Hul Hogan's doing um like lines of cocaine, right?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And he still has the yellow shorts on, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, T, I'm gonna fuck him up when I see.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, I'm gonna fuck him up.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad's just like, oh God, my ribs hurt so badly, right?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a knock at the door, and it was Rowdy Roddy Piper, right?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Hey T, I'm real sorry about what happened.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And Hul Hogan's like, fuck that, and grabs Roddy Rowdy Piper and brings him into the hotel room, throws him against the wall, smashes the mirror.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're beating him.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: My dad's trying to break it up.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hulk Hogan's wife, Linda,'s there, and she's like, Terry, stop, right?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, wow, I didn't know that was his name, right?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, and my mom is trying to make my dad stop, and they're just beating, and all this stuff is flipped over and shit like that.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my sister are crying, and then we get on a plane, we come back to Chicago, I go to class, we're sitting in a sharing circle, and the teacher's like, What'd you do this weekend?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, not a fucking thing.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I was Erica Clark.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.