Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Whole Brain Child #3 Name It to Tame It | Ep. 83

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Whole Brain Child #3 Name It to Tame It | Ep. 83 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  As a parent, do you Whole Brain Child#3 Name It to Tame It ever struggle knowing what to do when your child is full of emotions?
• 0:18
  And you aren't sure whether kind of to just cover it up or to dive into that broiling pool with them.
• 0:29
  I understand.
• 0:31
  I'm your host, Shira Lang, and that's exactly.
• 0:34
  What we talk about today on the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:38
  From our discussion of the best selling book, The Whole Brain Child, we pull several very practical strategies.
• 0:45
  That can be applied not only with that child, but with your spouse, your friend, your coworker, and maybe even yourself.
• 0:56
  Oh, and Ellen shares a unique tool that she actually used, conquering one of her fears.
• 1:05
  I'm glad you're here to listen in on Name It to Tame It.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: Are you all enjoying our study of this book the whole brain
• 1:22
  Christie: child?
• 1:23
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:23
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:23
  Christie: I really am.
• 1:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Christie: It's been for me, I mean, if you weren't taught these things in your formative years and you're playing catch up a little bit, it's, it's just been really helpful to me and all my relationships.
• 1:35
  Christie: I'm quietly like in my mind when I'm talking to somebody, I'm like, Oh, you seem a little stuck in your right brain right now.
• 1:43
  Christie: But yeah, I mean, I don't think the majority of people have really worked a lot on brain integration mm-hmm.
• 1:50
  Christie: For themselves.
• 1:51
  Christie: Right.
• 1:51
  Christie: And life.
• 1:52
  Christie: And, um, so yeah, it's been really helpful for me to just think through how, um, To interact with people.
• 2:00
  Christie: Okay.
• 2:00
  Christie: And engage with
• 2:01
  Cheryl: people.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: So you just used several of the words.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Give a little overview in case somebody has forgotten what we said.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Previously when we explained you brain integration left.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: What are you
• 2:11
  Christie: talking about?
• 2:11
  Christie: Right.
• 2:11
  Christie: Well, so the premise of the book is that our brain has different.
• 2:16
  Christie: Parts.
• 2:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:17
  Christie: Right.
• 2:17
  Christie: A left brain, right brain, upstairs, brain, downstairs brain.
• 2:20
  Christie: And they all have different roles and, and parts to play.
• 2:24
  Christie: But, um, to integrate would be to keep all the parts playing in, in harmony with one another and like an orchestra.
• 2:33
  Christie: Um, that's good.
• 2:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:35
  Christie: To bring balance.
• 2:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Alan, what about you?
• 2:39
  Ellen: Well, I, I'm really enjoying the book, much like you said in its, um, I mean, I, I have lots of grandchildren, but just beyond that, even just with friends and relationships and I find myself going, oh my goodness, they're really a left brain person and it helps you to have some tools cuz this is what it is.
• 2:58
  Ellen: This is just a tool, right.
• 3:00
  Ellen: Of how to kind of look at people and say, oh, if I wanna reach them, this is probably the way I should.
• 3:07
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:08
  Ellen: You're not, you know, a left brain person, which is a logical person, isn't gonna.
• 3:12
  Ellen: Necessarily respond if I'm freaking out with my emotions.
• 3:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 3:16
  Ellen: In my right brain.
• 3:17
  Christie: And also
• 3:17
  Ellen: killing their fear can also help, as I found on this, as I found with my snake fear.
• 3:24
  Ellen: That's how I got over my snake fear when I had a snake sitting in the middle of my.
• 3:28
  Ellen: Kitchen on the tile, and my husband wasn't even in the country and it was just me and a young grandson.
• 3:36
  Ellen: Oh, staring at the snake.
• 3:37
  Ellen: That's hissing at us.
• 3:38
  Ellen: I'm sure it was harmless, but I didn't give it time.
• 3:41
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:42
  Ellen: To defend itself.
• 3:43
  Ellen: Yes.
• 3:43
  Ellen: I killed it with a.
• 3:45
  Ellen: Pancake Turner, laugh and then I got it and I put it in a Ziploc bag and put it in the trash just so it could not get out of the Ziploc bag.
• 3:54
  Ellen: Oh
• 3:54
  Christie: my.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: But I bet if these doctors were here, they might be able to tell you.
• 3:59
  Cheryl: You know, you approached your thing that you were afraid of, you found out it's mortal.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: And it must have done something that had to do
• 4:05
  Ellen: it twice because you know.
• 4:07
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:07
  Ellen: Another few months later, there was another one sitting on the tile, but I knew this time the pancake flipper worked Would work.
• 4:14
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:14
  Ellen: And everybody laughed.
• 4:15
  Ellen: They're like, it's just little, but when you're afraid of something.
• 4:18
  Ellen: That's right.
• 4:18
  Ellen: That was a cobra with, in your mind.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:21
  Ellen: Were a python waiting
• 4:23
  Christie: to, because you were trapped in your right brain.
• 4:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:27
  Christie: And I just,
• 4:28
  Ellen: Stood there and it wasn't moving, but I was, I mean it was live, but it just kind of froze and I'm having visions of it running off and it's in the sofa, it's in my bed, so that's why I reacted so violently.
• 4:39
  Ellen: Okay.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: I have one last question in case I ate at your house.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Did you keep those pancake turners?
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Yes, I did.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: But
• 4:46
  Ellen: they've been in the dishwasher at least a hundred times
• 4:49
  Cheryl: since the event.
• 4:52
  Ellen: laugh Okay.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: Let's describe what left brain, right brain is.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: So left brain, they had a whole bunch of Ls.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: What?
• 4:58
  Cheryl: And it's physically the left side of your brain.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Do you remember some of the Ls?
• 5:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: A logic little.
• 5:04
  Christie: Logical, linear, yeah.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: Um, law abiding, all of that.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: And legalistic
• 5:11
  Christie: like Yeah.
• 5:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:12
  Christie: On the negative side, right?
• 5:13
  Christie: It really is.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: And what is right?
• 5:16
  Cheryl: Brain?
• 5:18
  Christie: More creative and emotional,
• 5:21
  Cheryl: colorful, big picture.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: A lot of feelings.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Not necessarily linear.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: And not a lot of
• 5:27
  Ellen: details
• 5:28
  Cheryl: particularly, right.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Because they're painting with a big brush stroke.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: With lots of colors.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: And so I'm sure all of you listening and with the three of us, we know people in our family and friends that very clearly are one of the other.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Usually
• 5:42
  Ellen: opposites attract.
• 5:43
  Ellen: That's right.
• 5:44
  Ellen: If you're right brain, you're probably gonna be married to a left
• 5:46
  Christie: brain.
• 5:47
  Christie: But that we can all access the other side.
• 5:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:50
  Christie: To, to utilize.
• 5:52
  Christie: That side to bring balance to the situation, which is
• 5:54
  Cheryl: Where we are today so this is again, the whole brain child by doctors Siegel and Bryson they have a number of strategies, I think 12 strategies.
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:04
  Cheryl: What.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: We're trying to do is work with it, particularly motivated as parents, how to help our children tap into the different sides of the brain.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: And so this is strategy number to called, name it to tame it.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: And it's about emotion.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: So it's talking about right brain and the flood of emotions and how to deal with that.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: And that's what I like about this book is it is based on science.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: But it's very accessible.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: And explain for Yeah.
• 6:35
  Cheryl: Those of us who don't have several PhDs behind it.
• 6:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:38
  Christie: when I was reading this, I was thinking of a.
• 6:40
  Christie: Study that I remember you telling me about Cheryl, about the, the spiders Oh yes.
• 6:46
  Christie: The, the fear of spiders.
• 6:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:48
  Christie: And what they would do to process that
• 6:49
  Cheryl: emotion.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: So it was a legit study somewhere in Arizona and they had tarantulas cuz you have'em out there and they, it was a study and it was people and they all had.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Absolute phobia of spiders and they did different approaches, uh, trying to see their emotional reactions, what would work to bring down that reaction to the spider.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: I mean, you're left that way about snakes.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Aren't
• 7:15
  Ellen: you?
• 7:15
  Ellen: Well, not anymore, but go, go ahead.
• 7:17
  Ellen: Okay.
• 7:17
  Ellen: Because I
• 7:17
  Christie: worked through
• 7:18
  Cheryl: my fear of snakes, they actually tested them scientifically like.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: Pulse, sweating, eyes dilating.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: How fast they're running.
• 7:29
  Ellen: The opposite, pulling
• 7:31
  Cheryl: out all the devices that they knew because they weren't forcing anybody.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: But what was really interesting, the ones who calmed down the most, had the most level response.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: The second time when they returned to the, to the tarantulas were the ones who actually said, I was afraid.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: So when they described it, just verbally saying those words, verbally saying I was afraid in the conversation.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: And the reprocessing and all that they did.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: And because I.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: What the doctors are saying here, you name it, you can tame it.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: So it's such a fantastic example of actually naming the word fear made them less afraid.
• 8:14
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:15
  Christie: Well, you know, when he is talking about this, name it to tame it.
• 8:18
  Christie: He's saying to do this instead of, he says, dismiss and deny.
• 8:23
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:24
  Christie: And I was, Thinking, you know, that is really, I wish I would've had this book when my kids were young, cuz that's really what I did a lot with my kids, was dismiss and deny.
• 8:34
  Christie: Because it, it's inconvenient for your children to have these big emotions and I just wanted to move to the next thing.
• 8:41
  Christie: And so I, I just would try to convince them, you're fine, you're fine.
• 8:44
  Christie: Let's just pick up the mess and, and move along.
• 8:47
  Christie: Rather than validating and, and entering into those emotions with them, with this, name it to tame it.
• 8:53
  Ellen: And sometimes, you know, and we'll probably talk about that.
• 8:56
  Ellen: Sometimes there's a lot going on.
• 8:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:57
  Ellen: And you don't have every single time you can sit down and kind of work through with your children, but you do have time.
• 9:03
  Ellen: You can go back later.
• 9:04
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:04
  Ellen: You know, and as we start talking about this, cuz I mean, I was the same way.
• 9:08
  Ellen: It was just like, oh great, they're having a fit and we're walking out the door.
• 9:12
  Ellen: Yes.
• 9:12
  Ellen: Yes.
• 9:12
  Ellen: And we have to be there and we're already running late.
• 9:15
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:15
  Ellen: You'll be
• 9:15
  Christie: fine.
• 9:16
  Christie: You'll be fine.
• 9:17
  Christie: But you're, you know, when I was doing that, I.
• 9:19
  Christie: I did create this kind of attitude of your feelings are not important, important, putting exactly right.
• 9:27
  Christie: And if I could have, and, and now, you know, over the years I've been able to redeem myself in that some as I've grown and matured and they've grown and matured, but, um, you know, entering into those emotions with them.
• 9:38
  Christie: Yeah, time and time again now I think has helped build some trust and intimacy in our relationship.
• 9:43
  Christie: And that's really what we're after.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: Yes I think their, their approach is so balanced because it's not, let me come and sit with you in the pig pen.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: And rub mud all over ourselves.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: Instead, I love you use the word validate.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: To validate the emotion and then to help them process through it.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: That's what they have here as a strategy.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: It's naming it.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: With me personally, uh, I had someone who was doing some counseling coaching with me a few years ago when I was really first kind of introduced to the whole concept of emotional health and right brain, left brain, and it was.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: Eyeopening for, for me, that's why I love doing this book, because not just eyeopening life changing.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: And so one of the things that we were working with was naming core values.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: And one of the things that I said was, uh, it's not a core value, but I don't like anger.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: And so he began walking me through it.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: Because saying, well, really what's behind it?
• 10:49
  Cheryl: What's behind it?
• 10:50
  Cheryl: And why?
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Why do you hate it so much?
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Which is the validating, helping me go there.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: And I began to process and realized my parents did not do conflict resolution.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: I never saw it so there was tension, but no conflict resolution.
• 11:08
  Cheryl: The only resolution I ever saw was my dad to let it build up, and then he exploded in anger and it was not towards me.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: It was usually towards my older brother, and I hated that that made me feel insecure having that explosive.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: Anger.
• 11:26
  Cheryl: It felt very unsafe to me, and so that's where I tracked it back and I said, oh, it makes me feel insecure, and I'm telling y'all
• 11:37
  It was amazing.
• 11:38
  It was almost as if a light came on.
• 11:41
  I mean, it happened to me.
• 11:44
  I'm the living example that when I worked through to name it, that emotion was tame for me
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 11:54
  and did not have the hold on me that it had for decades of my life.
• 11:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:59
  Ellen: Affirming Yeah
• 12:00
  Cheryl: To realize that's why it's not anger.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: It's the insecurity that I felt.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: So this is really valid.
• 12:08
  Ellen: Yeah, that's good.
• 12:09
  Ellen: That's, I was gonna say for me, with just using anger, cuz that's something I think we all hate.
• 12:15
  Ellen: I don't know anybody who likes anger or have it in us and we don't enjoy it or have had it directed at us.
• 12:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:21
  Ellen: But I know I had a, you know, I had an anger problem for many, many years and finally one of my kids said to me, Mom, you're not really angry.
• 12:29
  Ellen: You're hurt.
• 12:30
  Ellen: Never dawned on me.
• 12:32
  Ellen: See, but I came from a really angry home.
• 12:34
  Ellen: So in order to protect myself, I put on the shield of anger, you know, and pushed back.
• 12:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:40
  Ellen: And pretty soon then people wouldn't, my parents wouldn't even get mad at me because I knew I was gonna push back enough.
• 12:46
  Ellen: Wow.
• 12:46
  Ellen: And
• 12:47
  Cheryl: so, see, that's the thing I I, what I've seen with most people that aren't getting any training or thinking about it, You kind of have, I'm happy, I'm sad, or I'm angry, right?
• 12:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: And to stay there and angry is a real catchall.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: It, it's all kinds of things.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Um, and then another thing I noticed, uh, like I was talking about working through this a few years ago, I was working with some friends through another program on this, and it was the word sad.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: And so what we did is, Um, had a chart that had a whole lot of emotions and there were words like, sad, angry, happy, but it had a lot of deep root behind it, emotions.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: So like in your case, your anger, you were actually sad, hurt, and we could go on to, you know, and one of them said, oh, what I thought was making me sad.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: Really.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: I feel shame.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: And again, it just opened the whole world up.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: Because then you're actually naming what it really is.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Which is the premise behind what they're talking about here.
• 13:57
  Christie: Well, and can you imagine, I mean, if we start with our kids when they're young, bringing these words to, you know, providing them this vocabulary to be able to say, Well, I, I felt a lot of shame when she said that.
• 14:11
  Christie: I mean, wow.
• 14:11
  Christie: If you could have an eight year old be able to verbalize that, you just help them walk through so much.
• 14:17
  Christie: I.
• 14:17
  Christie: That you don't end up with this compounded emotion as a 30 year old.
• 14:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:22
  Cheryl: You know, be a and all packed in there.
• 14:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: And all that, you know, and what happened with the spider people?
• 14:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Fantastic.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: With this eight year old using the word shame, it loses mm-hmm.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: some of
• 14:34
  Christie: It's power over her.
• 14:35
  Christie: Right.
• 14:35
  Christie: Well, and I, I think, you know, sometimes too, our kids may be a little more left-brained and, and might have walk them through.
• 14:44
  Christie: The facts, kind of like we talked about last episode, about the, um, connect and redirect.
• 14:49
  Christie: You may have to walk them through the facts of what happened and then ask some probing questions to get them in that place because you know, I have a lot of emotional people at my house, but I know I've seen kids that they just have a really hard time accessing that and so sometimes that takes some encouragement.
• 15:06
  Cheryl: I know a whole lot of adults.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: All of us that have trouble accessing it for sure.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: Because it's scary, right?
• 15:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: And that's what's so great.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: If you can get a name for it.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: It just starts to lose its power.
• 15:20
  Cheryl: Well, it gives you some freedom, right?
• 15:22
  Cheryl: It sure does.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: And then, because then you can go,
• 15:23
  Ellen: oh, that's what I'm feeling, right?
• 15:26
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:26
  Ellen: That's what I'm thinking.
• 15:27
  Ellen: Oh, I didn't know.
• 15:28
  Christie: You know, I think as a parent inviting our kids into that, Someone in the same field.
• 15:34
  Christie: I've heard him say, you know that children really need to be safe, seen, soothed, and feel secure.
• 15:42
  Christie: Wow.
• 15:42
  Christie: That's good.
• 15:42
  Christie: That's very good.
• 15:43
  Christie: And as parents, if we can invite our kids into these conversations Yeah.
• 15:46
  Christie: We're able to be the ones that say, I see you, you're safe.
• 15:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:51
  Christie: I wanna.
• 15:51
  Christie: Soothe you and, and make you feel secure Yeah.
• 15:53
  Christie: In this moment.
• 15:54
  Christie: And what a gift they Sure provide
• 15:56
  Cheryl: for our children.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: And what I like about what they're suggesting here is we.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: Begin to do that and we help our children name it.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: The emotion and then mm-hmm.
• 16:08
  Cheryl: We talk about it, we validate it, and then start using stories, words.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: To help them process through, to understand what's gone on right now that we know you're feeling shame or you're afraid or mm-hmm.
• 16:22
  Cheryl: Whatever it is.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: And they use several examples.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: It's very good about walking through, telling the story to help them.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: See what happened and how.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: Their emotions play because emotions paint such a big picture, particularly with children.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: That it's hard to see the facts.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: I've done it where I go back and start telling a story from my childhood as an adult, I.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: A lot of times my processing, it's really different from what I thought it was.
• 16:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:52
  Cheryl: I thought it was one thing, and then with the proper processing, right.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: It turns out that really that's not what was going on.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Like you said, they weren't really rejecting you.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: They just weren't even thinking about you.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: And you perceived rejection out of it.
• 17:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: So I love how they suggest taking and when it's appropriate, walk them through the story to help demystify and.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: The emotion Loses its power, right?
• 17:19
  Christie: And it helps them access maybe past emotion they hadn't processed yet.
• 17:23
  Christie: He talks later in the book about implicit memory and we'll get there, but you know, maybe you missed something.
• 17:29
  Christie: Maybe they were at school when something happened and they never really got to process that emotion.
• 17:33
  Christie: And then something brings that back up.
• 17:35
  Christie: You could revisit that.
• 17:36
  Christie: So these conversations really help us.
• 17:40
  Christie: Holistically approach all of their experiences.
• 17:43
  Christie: And we forget,
• 17:44
  Ellen: you know, especially for young children, you know, they fill in the blanks yes.
• 17:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:48
  Ellen: They don't know how to maneuver amongst the adult world yet, or the world of complicated emotions.
• 17:54
  Ellen: And so, you know, the monster was much bigger than it was.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:00
  Ellen: Yeah, it was a little small snake,
• 18:02
  Christie: but it was sleep.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: It was, you know.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: But this isn't just for two and four year olds.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: You know, we're way past two and four.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: It's helping us.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: High schoolers do
• 18:14
  Ellen: that.
• 18:14
  Ellen: Teenagers do that.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:15
  Ellen: They, they're, you know, they're at a really emotional, developmental stage and that friend that said something that maybe didn't mean it that way, but it becomes a really big hurt.
• 18:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:25
  Ellen: And it turns into anger or.
• 18:28
  Ellen: And we're like, that doesn't make any sense what happened,
• 18:31
  Christie: you know?
• 18:31
  Christie: Well, and you know, I think we said this last week too, but I just wanna say it again.
• 18:36
  Christie: The, the gift of neuroplastic plasticity.
• 18:39
  Christie: I always have a hard time with that word, but, um, you know, I confess that I didn't do this well when my kids were young, but as they've gotten older and I've grown and learned more, I feel like.
• 18:50
  Christie: If we can step into that even when, like you said, they're teens.
• 18:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:53
  Christie: And, and rebuild some trust and, um, engagement with our kids.
• 18:58
  Christie: And, and those things can be taught at any age.
• 19:01
  Christie: And it's like you said, we're still adults and figuring all this out, out, it's a really powerful
• 19:04
  Ellen: tool in a marriage, you know?
• 19:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:06
  Ellen: If you're married, I mean, it helps you, um, you know, help each other talk in each other's language.
• 19:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: You know, I like this.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: It's a quote out of the book because again, they're.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: Speaking of scientists here that, or doctors, the drive to understand why things happen to us is so strong that the brain will continue to try making sense of an experience until it succeeds.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: So even if you're not conscious of it.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: I mean, this is ptsd.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: You know, and we're talking about Yeah.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Children, that that is in there and the brain is still trying to make sense of what's happened here.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: And we're just stepping in to try and.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: Smooth that process out and help them to walk through it.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: So towards health,
• 19:56
  Christie: right?
• 19:56
  Christie: And, and for ourselves, we're still sorting that out for ourselves.
• 19:59
  Christie: And I think it's good for us to all be self-aware of what, you know, brain dominance we have, what unprocessed emotions we have so that we can be a little healthier and help our kids through
• 20:10
  Cheryl: this too.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: And one of the things they suggest is you don't have to do it all at once.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: Because I can imagine.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: Uh, if I were listening to this episode, I would be thinking, how am I going to get anything done ever?
• 20:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: Because all my children are is emotions and I'm emotions and, and all.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Or we're stuffing it on our left side.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: But they talk about finding a time to do it, particularly sometimes when you're doing something else to kind of bring it back up.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: And I will say I'm guilty if it was hard and tough.
• 20:45
  Cheryl: I had the tendency not to bring it up.
• 20:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: Because I go, look, everything's going smoothly.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Don't rock the boat.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: That's exactly.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: So I made that mistake mm-hmm.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Of not going back into that.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: And one of the things that I've read before and have seen in my life, Particularly with boys, the girls look eye to eye and tend to talk with you that way.
• 21:09
  Cheryl: And there's something in boys' brains and I don't remember all the terms, but they don't do it as well.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: And so the suggestion was made it psychologist and they said, uh, use the car when you're driving in the car or if you're in the kitchen mm-hmm.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: You go ahead and be doing what you're doing.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: Get your sons to talk when you're not looking face to face.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: And it really works.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: And I've shared that with a number of mothers and they came back, said, you're really right.
• 21:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: You know, or
• 21:36
  Ellen: nighttime conversations, yes.
• 21:38
  Ellen: Because a lot of times I would lay down next to special my boys and you know, lights out and just talk about stuff and then you're not seeing each other.
• 21:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Ellen: So they felt more comfortable saying, oh, this happened, or I was unhappy about this.
• 21:54
  Ellen: And
• 21:54
  Cheryl: process.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: Then process.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: And it's really interesting, right?
• 21:58
  Cheryl: You wouldn't know about that.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: I do not
• 21:59
  Christie: know about that.
• 22:01
  Christie: But one thing I do know about is I was thinking about these conversations and sometimes I can have a temptation to teach and lecture in the moment.
• 22:11
  Christie: You know, like as I'm listening to my girls process emotion and you know, sometimes I'll be tempted to say, Well, if, if you hadn't Yes.
• 22:21
  Christie: If you hadn't said that, they might not have done it that way.
• 22:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:24
  Christie: And so that's, I think something I'm making myself more aware of is giving that space to just let them Yes.
• 22:31
  Christie: You know, spill the emotion out and only ask questions that are helpful to them in this moment, right now.
• 22:36
  Christie: There might be a time later, you know, especially with younger children to teach and instruct, but not to lecture in the moment.
• 22:42
  Christie: And sometimes when,
• 22:44
  Ellen: especially with younger children and even, and even with teenagers, sometimes you just have to say, go sit on your bed.
• 22:51
  Ellen: I'll be in in a little while.
• 22:52
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:53
  Ellen: Read a book or do something.
• 22:54
  Ellen: Read.
• 22:54
  Ellen: Just stay in your room.
• 22:55
  Ellen: No, you can't do anything.
• 22:56
  Ellen: Just be on your bed.
• 22:58
  Ellen: And that gives everybody kind of a chance.
• 23:00
  Ellen: We called it horizontal time instead of like a nap time.
• 23:03
  Ellen: But it was also that where you don't have to do anything, right?
• 23:06
  Ellen: You could have, you could have a book or you can have some simple thing on your bed, but you're not gonna get into these big things.
• 23:11
  Ellen: And then it kind of allows everything to simmer down and kind of starts the relaxation
• 23:17
  Cheryl: process.
• 23:18
  Cheryl: Well see.
• 23:19
  Cheryl: You don't even have your PhD, but that's exactly what it is.
• 23:23
  Cheryl: You're talking about the fired up and Yeah.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: We'll talk about amygdala as we work through the book, but what everybody's emotions are fired.
• 23:30
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: Sensitive.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: And it's all on high wire and no matter what you say, you're just giving it some time.
• 23:37
  Cheryl: What you're talking about with older children, with the little ones, the same thing.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: Because I've learned this and begun to walk with my grandchildren and first just sitting next to them on the sofa when they're all upset, you know?
• 23:50
  Cheryl: And then I go, do you want me to put Mara?
• 23:53
  Cheryl: And usually it's sharing with their siblings or whatever.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:57
  Cheryl: And so just waiting for a while, and then when they calm down, just slowly mm-hmm.
• 24:03
  Cheryl: Then begin to talk about it.
• 24:05
  Cheryl: And.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: Validate how they're feeling and we go, it's really hard to share and it, you know?
• 24:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: Are you disappointed?
• 24:13
  Cheryl: And I have seen it with my little grandchildren giving them words.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: And I've probably told y'all before, but one of'em was two somewhere in two, and.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Wasn't clear talker yet, and I was trying to help equip with this.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: And when you're two, you're frustrated a lot.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: And so this was like the 30th time that day.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: And I would kept saying the word, I think you're frustrated.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:39
  Cheryl: And she go, I tweeted, I don tweeted.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: Here we are on the road to emotion health.
• 24:45
  Cheryl: Because she was naming it.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:48
  Cheryl: So that she would have that in her tool bag to tame it later on.
• 24:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Cheryl: And now that one, can I go, are you frustrated?
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Oh, I am so frustrated.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: And then can you tell me about it?
• 24:57
  Cheryl: And then she starts to tell me the whole story of what happened.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: So we're going from right brain.
• 25:03
  Cheryl: I mean, it's actually what they're saying here.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: The right brain triggered and all the emotion.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: We name, it begins to be tamed and then we start walking through with words and logic.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Through what we're gonna do.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: I'm amazed what they're saying actually works and I've seen it.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:20
  Christie: I just, I get so excited thinking about all these little kids.
• 25:24
  Christie: If, if, you know, as parents learn these tools right, and helping them, you think of their marriages and their you professional life and their parenting skills, just be so empowered as they grow with better emotional health and
• 25:37
  Cheryl: resources.
• 25:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:38
  Cheryl: Well, and I just think in marriage, you know, um, cuz we're talking about, have the goal to be listening instead of fixing.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: wonderful it would be if Bill and I if both of us had understood this, yeah.
• 25:53
  Cheryl: To listen to the emotion.
• 25:57
  Cheryl: Instead of trying to fix it or shove it aside or wait.
• 26:01
  Cheryl: So you could talk about your emotion, right?
• 26:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: Really listening and then walking through the emotion and naming it.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:09
  Cheryl: And I have my daughter who's going into counseling and my other friend did.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: Oh, Dena, that used to be, yeah, with us here when she finally gets her Yeah, her counseling license.
• 26:19
  Cheryl: She's hoping to come back and join us some.
• 26:21
  Christie: I love that.
• 26:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: So one of the things.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: It would just been what a tool.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: you can get a pillow and it, it has the emotional words on it.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Where you can look at it and find that word shame or frustrated or whatever it is.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: Uh, you can also get, um, posters to go on the walls.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: And particularly if you have young children, you know, the pictures in the doctor's or emergency room office that says, you know, is your pain red fiery to a smiley face?
• 26:49
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: So they have the simple pictures, but it's all different kinds of emotions.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: And I have a friend, and she'll say, everybody go over and find an emotion.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: So she's talking them through.
• 27:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:01
  Cheryl: That's what the different
• 27:02
  Christie: emotions are.
• 27:03
  Christie: Love that.
• 27:03
  Christie: I need a pillow like that for my couch and my living room.
• 27:06
  Christie: We can get'em.
• 27:07
  Christie: I've Amazon has, yeah, I need to
• 27:09
  Cheryl: order one, you know?
• 27:10
  Cheryl: And, uh, this is just brilliant and it works so well.
• 27:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:15
  Cheryl: To have it in your family culture.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: I'm like you, I'm so excited for it.
• 27:21
  Ellen: I think you, we haven't quite touched on this part yet, but I think storytelling plays a big role.
• 27:27
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 27:27
  Ellen: In emotional health.
• 27:28
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:29
  Ellen: Because we all need to tell our.
• 27:31
  Ellen: Side of the story.
• 27:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 27:33
  Ellen: That's part of being heard and teaching our children how to be good storytellers.
• 27:38
  Ellen: You know, what's important in a story and how do you work your way out of your story?
• 27:43
  Ellen: How does your story end?
• 27:45
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:45
  Ellen: Even if it was just the event, you know, you fell off the chair, you know, that's a
• 27:49
  Christie: story.
• 27:50
  Christie: That's really great, Ellen, because, you know, we're talking, we've kind of been talking more about in times of.
• 27:56
  Christie: Explosive emotion with our kids.
• 27:58
  Christie: But you know, just asking how their day was at school and walking them through like, oh, you know, and then after lunch, did you guys have music class?
• 28:06
  Christie: Or asking those probing questions.
• 28:08
  Christie: And then you may help them in their storytelling, find a time that they didn't get to, you know, share or they wouldn't have thought to share, um, that you can dig a little deeper and help them engage in some of these emotions
• 28:22
  Cheryl: or.
• 28:23
  Cheryl: Say, how'd that make you feel?
• 28:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: You know, when they're telling the story about what happened on the bus or whatever it is, right?
• 28:30
  Cheryl: They didn't get picked or their backpack broke, whatever it is.
• 28:33
  Cheryl: Right?
• 28:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: And then go, how'd that make you feel?
• 28:35
  Christie: Right?
• 28:36
  Christie: Well, I've been in conversations with friends just.
• 28:38
  Christie: Telling a story and then say, gosh, was that hurtful to you?
• 28:43
  Christie: And me think, wow, well maybe, yeah, it did hurt me.
• 28:46
  Christie: I hadn't really thought of it, but it was hurtful.
• 28:48
  Christie: Yeah, so I think sometimes we just need help accessing Yes, that right brain.
• 28:52
  Ellen: I remember a friend was telling me a story.
• 28:55
  Ellen: I mean, it was her life story and some horrible things that had happened to her, and all of a sudden she stopped and she goes, You're crying.
• 29:03
  Ellen: I didn't even know I was crying.
• 29:04
  Ellen: Wow.
• 29:04
  Ellen: I was so involved in her story and I was feeling her pain.
• 29:08
  Ellen: Obviously that made us really good friends too after that.
• 29:12
  Ellen: But no, she goes, nobody's ever cried over my story before.
• 29:15
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 29:17
  Ellen: You know, I didn't, like I said, I didn't realize I was crying.
• 29:19
  Ellen: It wasn't the blubbering kind.
• 29:20
  Ellen: Right.
• 29:21
  Ellen: I just had tears coming down cuz it was so tragic and I was right there with her in the story.
• 29:26
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 29:27
  Cheryl: What a gift to give our children.
• 29:30
  Cheryl: Not that we cry over everything.
• 29:31
  Cheryl: No.
• 29:32
  Cheryl: But instead of going Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 29:34
  Cheryl: That you're, Eight years old.
• 29:35
  Cheryl: Big deal.
• 29:35
  Cheryl: You're 13 years old.
• 29:37
  Cheryl: But to validate her emotions like that.
• 29:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, and I wish
• 29:40
  Ellen: I had been maybe more sensitive to my own children as they were.
• 29:45
  Ellen: Obviously they didn't have the same tragedies.
• 29:48
  Ellen: That she had as a full-blown adult and the things that had happened in her life.
• 29:52
  Ellen: But, you know, I wasn't always very sensitive to my own kids.
• 29:55
  Ellen: It was like, you're fine.
• 29:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 29:56
  Ellen: You know?
• 29:57
  Christie: Well, it's really hard as a parent because you've, you've got so many plate spinning.
• 30:02
  Christie: Yes, yes.
• 30:03
  Christie: And, you know, I, I just.
• 30:04
  Christie: I want our listeners to hear us that we know Yes.
• 30:07
  Christie: How hard it is to slow down and ask these questions and have these conversations.
• 30:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:12
  Christie: But really, I mean, we're sitting here wishing we would could go back and, and slow down a little bit.
• 30:17
  Christie: It's the fruit of it.
• 30:18
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 30:19
  Christie: Well, and
• 30:19
  Ellen: as a mom you're never not busy.
• 30:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:21
  Ellen: Unless you're asleep.
• 30:23
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:23
  Ellen: And even then they'll
• 30:24
  Cheryl: find you.
• 30:24
  Cheryl: But the intentionality.
• 30:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 30:27
  Cheryl: Of these conversations.
• 30:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 30:29
  Cheryl: Which we can't have thousands of them and we're not gonna do it
• 30:31
  Christie: perfectly.
• 30:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:32
  Christie: No, but I mean, like you said, such a gift.
• 30:35
  Christie: Can you imagine if our children saw us being as empathetic as you were able to be with your friend that day?
• 30:41
  Christie: Wow.
• 30:41
  Christie: That we really want to engage and enter into not just their pain and and sadness, but their excitement and, yeah.
• 30:48
  Christie: You know, well, do you know how many hours I've had to listen about Taylor Swift lyrics?
• 30:54
  Christie: I mean, I have to get excited about new albums and the new launch of the next, you know, song coming out and, you know, we all have those things with our kids, whatever their interests are and if we can get as excited or as, you know, empathetic with their sadness.
• 31:08
  Christie: Yes, yes.
• 31:09
  Christie: That just really helps them to be
• 31:10
  Cheryl: seen.
• 31:11
  Cheryl: Which it makes me think of what scripture says.
• 31:14
  Cheryl: Rejoice with those who rejoice, even if it's Taylor Swift.
• 31:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 31:17
  Cheryl: And weep with those who weep.
• 31:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 31:19
  Cheryl: What an incredible parenting so, Model that is Mm, that we would use this and not leave them where they are, but walk with them in it.
• 31:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 31:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 31:29
  Cheryl: So this is great.
• 31:30
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 31:32
  Cheryl: Um, and don't be
• 31:33
  Ellen: discouraged cuz it's a big learning curve.
• 31:35
  Cheryl: It is a real
• 31:36
  Ellen: learning curve.
• 31:36
  Ellen: I think you talked about it, Christie.
• 31:38
  Ellen: You weren't raised this way and I wasn't and No, I wasn't either.
• 31:41
  Ellen: Cheryl wasn't either.
• 31:42
  Ellen: And.
• 31:43
  Ellen: So you just are gonna repeat what you know.
• 31:45
  Ellen: Right.
• 31:45
  Ellen: But I mean, this is a big learning curve on how to do it, so don't get discouraged as you learn new things as, as they say, baby steps.
• 31:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 31:53
  Cheryl: Well, and we'll close by encouraging you if you haven't gotten it to get this book.
• 31:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 31:58
  Cheryl: Because it does just walk you step by step, at the end, it Talks about you as the parent.
• 32:05
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:05
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 32:06
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 32:06
  Cheryl: Looking forward to next time.
• 32:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 32:08
  Cheryl: parents remember, hang in there.
• 32:11
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 32:21
  Well, I wouldn't recommend using the pancake spatula for most of your fears.
• 32:27
  But it seems to have worked for Ellen.
• 32:30
  So in dealing with emotions, for yourself or with your children or others, what tool do you tend to grab?
• 32:40
  Dismiss and deny?
• 32:42
  Or dive in and wallow?
• 32:46
  I'm telling you, over the years I've done it both ways.
• 32:50
  And neither one was healthy.
• 32:53
  We want to hear your experiences.
• 32:56
  Why don't you text us?
• 32:58
  Contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 33:01
  com, DM us, or go to our website.
• 33:05
  I hope you're following this series and beginning to apply it, because as you've heard, it is really transforming the way we, the recording team, are connecting with and processing not only our own emotions, but also with our children, family members, and others.
• 33:23
  Just in case you missed it, the book we're discussing with you is The Whole Brain Child by Drs.
• 33:29
  Siegel and Bryson.
• 33:32
  Be sure you're following us because next time we're going to work on this whole brain integration.
• 33:38
  But we're going to go upstairs and downstairs.
• 33:43
  We certainly hope you can join us again at the Parenting Podcast.