Latest / Why You Got Sick: How Emotion Drives Chronic Illness & Healing in Women / #66. How Chronic Illness Changes Your Relationship & Why Being Treated Like a Patient Keeps You Flaring

Transcript

#66. How Chronic Illness Changes Your Relationship & Why Being Treated Like a Patient Keeps You Flaring · Why You Got Sick: How Emotion Drives Chronic Illness & Healing in Women

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Some are along the way, the person who used to flirt with you across the dinner table started asking how you're feeling instead.
• 0:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: They love you.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: They would do anything for you, and you've never felt more like a patient in your own home.
• 0:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is why you got sick.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Teclody Francesco, certified mind-body practitioner, and certified holistic life coach.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast is for women living with chronic illness, autoimmune disease, IBS, chronic fatigue, PCOS, andometriosis, migraines, fibromyalgia, or persistent symptoms that no one can fully explain.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Twice a week we look at how emotion drives chronic illness in women.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: One episode goes deeper into the pattern beneath the symptoms.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: The other gives you a quick way to interrupt the cycle.
• 0:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're done organizing your life around symptoms and flare-ups, this is where that changes.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast shows mind-body education.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is not medical advice and is designed to complement, not replace your medical care.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's begin.
• 1:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: In this episode, you'll discover why the shift from partner to patient can keep your body on higher alert in the one place it should feel most at ease.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll talk about what a study on couples and healing wounds found about the emotional climate of your closest relationship.
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you will learn one small step that starts moving you back to being their partner not their patient.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Before the chronic diagnosis, you were two people building a life together.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You made plans, you split the load, you tease each other and had fun.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Some weeks you carried more, some weeks they did, and over time it even dealt.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then your body forced to change in that arrangement.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: At first it was practical.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: They drove you to the appointment.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: They picked up the prescription.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: They cooked on the nights you couldn't stand at the stove.
• 1:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And thank God they did that help truly mattered and I'm not taking anything away from it.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: But somewhere in there the roles solidified.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: They became the one who looks after you.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You became the one who gets looked after.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not isolated to big moments.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: It
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: They take the shopping bags out of your hand before you've even reached for them.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: They answer for you at dinner.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, she can't eat that.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Their texts used to say, can't wait to see you tonight.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now they say, how are you feeling today?
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: They used to suggest spontaneous plans and weekends away, and now it's just known that you can't manage that.
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: So they stopped raising and suggesting.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then there's what you never say out loud.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: You feel guilty for needing them this much.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: you keep a tally in your head of everything they've done for you and you're always in debt.
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: At the same time, part of you resent being handled like you might break.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: You miss being wanted, not just worried about.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then you feel guilty for resenting someone who's only trying to help you.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Guilt, resentment, guilt, round and round, inside the one relationship that's meant to be your safe place.
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the pattern.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The slow slide from partner to patient, happening at home where your body spends most of its time.
• 3:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's what that looks like once it's been going on for a while.
• 3:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stop being the one who plans date night because why plans something you might have to cancel.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stop sharing the small winds because a good day makes them feel hopeful and you can't stand watching that hope drop again when the next flare comes.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stop sharing the hard days too because you can see how tired they are and you don't want to be one more thing on their plate.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you end up living side by side, co-existing, polite and careful.
• 3:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Both of you stepping around the illness like it's the third person in the household.
• 3:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I worked with a woman whose story shows exactly how this plays out.
• 3:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: She ended up having to take time off work.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: That time was meant to be for healing, but something else was building at home.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: She could feel her husband becoming resentful, because her healing wasn't happening on the timeline he had in his head.
• 4:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she could feel that frustration and tension in the house.
• 4:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: so what did she do?
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: She replaced going to work with homework.
• 4:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: She became the household manager.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: She did the shopping, she picked up the kids, she took them to their appointments.
• 4:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everything that kept the household moving landed on her.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I want you to imagine what that feels like from the inside.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your home all day, so you feel like you should be doing more, not less.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every load of washing, every school pickup, every appointment you get the kids to on time starts to feel like proof that you're pulling your weight, that you're still useful, that you're worth the weight, but she never had a moment to actually intentionally rest.
• 4:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: She couldn't find the time, and she didn't have the capacity to ever really relax because of the emotional hostility building in the household.
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then she would flair, and to her it felt like it came out of nowhere, but it hadn't come out of nowhere at all.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: She refused to relax, so her body forced her into rest.
• 5:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what happens.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have a choice.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can intentionally take time to rest and relax, or your body will force you into it.
• 5:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And look at what is sitting underneath all of that.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: She wasn't only his partner anymore.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: In that house, she had become the patient who was taking too long to get better.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And everything she took on at home looked a lot like trying to make up for it.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: So why does this matter for you and your body?
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: because of where it's happening.
• 5:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Home is supposed to be the place your body finally gets to stand down.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: The place it rests after a whole day of managing.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if home is where you're always the patient, where you're checked on and watched over and handled with care, where you carry guilt in one hand and resentment in the other, your body never gets that opportunity.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a study I want to tell you about.
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: In 2005, researchers at Ohio State University brought 42 married couples into a lab.
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: They made a tiny little blister wound on each person's forearm and they asked the couples to talk.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: On one visit, the conversation was supportive.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: On another, the couples talked about something they disagreed on.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: The researchers then tracked how fast those small wounds healed.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: After the conflict visits, the wounds healed more slowly.
• 6:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in the couples with the most hostility between them, wounds healed at around 60% of the speed of the couples with the least.
• 6:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those couples also showed
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: same kind of wound, same lab.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: The only thing that changed was the emotional climate between the two people.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now I want to be mindful here.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: That study measured open conflict, raised voices, the arguments that got voiced out loud.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I see with the women I work with is usually the opposite.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody's yelling.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone's being lovely.
• 7:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The tension sits underneath in the guilt you swallow and the resentment you'd never admit to, and it's on both sides.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: In my experience, the body registers that tension too.
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't need the argument to happen out loud to know the climate at home has shifted.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And unlike one argument, this doesn't end.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's there at breakfast.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's there in the how you feeling today, text.
• 7:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's there when you turn the light off at night.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is the why.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is why we care about this.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what actually interrupts this pattern?
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to be really clear about what I'm not saying.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying you refuse to help.
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying push through a bad day to prove that you're fine.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Receiving help is a good thing.
• 7:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've done a whole episode on how important it is.
• 8:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: But receiving help and becoming the person who only ever receives are two very different places to live.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So here's the shift.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to take one thing back.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to look at everything your partner has taken over since you got sick.
• 8:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: The cooking, the driving, the planning, the phone calls, the decisions.
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to find one thing you can do at the capacity you have right now.
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Something that was yours that you actually want back.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's planning one day to month.
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even if the date is take away on the couch and a movie you get to pick.
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's finding a new activity to do together instead of always picking the safe option for you.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's making their coffee in the morning the way you use, too.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then you express that to them out loud that you're taking it back.
• 8:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Something like, I love how much you've helped me.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want this back because I miss being your partner, not just your patient.
• 8:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: They might push back.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you sure?
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't worry.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've got it.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's their worry talking and it makes sense.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: They've been in the care or role for a long time, too.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can tell them you're sure, and that if a flare comes, you'll hand it back over for a little while, and that's okay.
• 9:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first time you might feel guilty taking it back, as if needing a bit less help is somehow ungrateful.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: That feeling is the pattern showing itself.
• 9:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can let it be there and keep that one thing anyway.
• 9:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because every time you do that one thing, you're giving your body and your partner a different message.
• 9:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you're still here, that you're more than the illness.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And home can go back to being a place where two people look after each other.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's recap what we talked about today.
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: First, chronic illness can slowly turn a partnership into a patient and care or relationship.
• 9:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the guilt and resentment that come with it usually goes on said.
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Second, research on couples shows the emotional climate between two people can change how fast the body heals.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And home is where your body spends most of its time.
• 9:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Third, the way back starts small.
• 10:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: You take back one thing that's yours that you want to do at the capacity you have today.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: The roles you've slipped into at home are one emotional pattern and there's rarely the only one sitting underneath your symptoms.
• 10:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to see the others, my free emotional route prompt takes the physical symptoms you're living with and shows you the emotional patterns that may be underneath them in 30 seconds.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes and you can use it with chatGPT or Claude, whatever works for you.
• 10:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you later in the week for the mini.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Goodbye for now.