Latest / Very Fine Friends / The Lass of the Mole-hicans

Transcript

The Lass of the Mole-hicans · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  and we probably didn't talk about my warranty claims saga i wanted to give you an update
• 0:21
  go for it quick version is i had something break that was under warranty
• 0:26
  and they made it impossible to get my money.
• 0:30
  I did everything they asked and more.
• 0:32
  The contractor that did the work
• 0:35
  did everything they asked and more.
• 0:38
  It's been 14 or 15 weeks now
• 0:40
  since the claim was submitted
• 0:41
  and I don't have the money.
• 0:44
  This all culminated in me saying a few things
• 0:47
  I can't take back on a recorded line.
• 0:51
  Yeah.
• 0:51
  You said you did everything they asked and more.
• 0:54
  Tell them what the and more was, Francis.
• 0:56
  So I finally called.
• 1:00
  So they just lied.
• 1:01
  They just lied.
• 1:03
  Yeah.
• 1:03
  They lied all the time, constantly.
• 1:06
  It was just lies.
• 1:08
  And so skipping all of it, because this will take a whole episode.
• 1:12
  Bonus content maybe.
• 1:13
  Yeah.
• 1:14
  A dramatic reenactment of everything that happened.
• 1:19
  I called and got the same.
• 1:22
  I know it was the same guy I've been talking to.
• 1:24
  And I was like, what's the situation?
• 1:26
  And he's like, let me back it up.
• 1:28
  Sorry, back it up just a second.
• 1:30
  After a whole bunch of shit,
• 1:32
  finally I got to the point where they were like,
• 1:35
  okay, well, we're going to cut the check.
• 1:37
  The check's going to get cut on Friday.
• 1:40
  And I was like, oh, is it?
• 1:42
  I don't believe you.
• 1:44
  It's going to get cut on Friday.
• 1:45
  Why can't it get cut today?
• 1:46
  They don't process checks until Friday.
• 1:48
  I'm like, I understand that that is a thing in the world.
• 1:51
  So I'm going to let it go.
• 1:53
  Though I don't believe you,
• 1:56
  I'm leaving room for the truth to be what you're saying.
• 2:00
  And I made a note.
• 2:02
  Call their bitches back to talk to them to make sure this happened, right?
• 2:07
  So Monday rolls around.
• 2:11
  Don't take this for law because my days are jumbled.
• 2:13
  Let's just say it was Monday.
• 2:15
  Monday rolls around.
• 2:17
  I call.
• 2:19
  Let me back up.
• 2:20
  Let me back up.
• 2:22
  He says to me, no, I didn't do backup.
• 2:26
  I'm sorry.
• 2:28
  I hate these fucking people.
• 2:29
  Yeah.
• 2:30
  Here's what happened.
• 2:31
  I called back and I was like, what?
• 2:34
  What up?
• 2:35
  Did you guys get the check?
• 2:36
  He goes, oh, let me talk to claims.
• 2:39
  I was like, great.
• 2:41
  Oh, wait.
• 2:42
  I comes back and he goes, I couldn't get a hold of claims,
• 2:45
  but it says here in the system that we have a support ticket open.
• 2:50
  And I was like, what?
• 2:52
  does that mean?
• 2:54
  Oh, I don't know.
• 2:55
  I don't have any information.
• 2:57
  You don't have any information.
• 3:00
  Why is there a ticket?
• 3:02
  I don't need a ticket.
• 3:02
  I need a check.
• 3:04
  You can tell me anything?
• 3:05
  No.
• 3:06
  When was it opened?
• 3:07
  I don't know.
• 3:08
  Why was it opened?
• 3:08
  I don't know.
• 3:10
  I said, I can't do this anymore.
• 3:13
  I need more information.
• 3:17
  He was like, here, here's a number to claims.
• 3:19
  I'm like, great.
• 3:21
  I'll call claims.
• 3:22
  You know their asses went to voicemail.
• 3:25
  So I left to voicemail.
• 3:26
  Well, he couldn't even get a hold of them.
• 3:27
  What did he expect you to do?
• 3:29
  I know, but what are you going to do?
• 3:31
  The call.
• 3:32
  Yeah.
• 3:33
  So I called him up to voicemail.
• 3:34
  Now we're...
• 3:35
  Okay, he made a commitment.
• 3:36
  I was getting paid.
• 3:37
  Lies.
• 3:38
  The next week, I called back.
• 3:40
  Ticket.
• 3:40
  It's a lie.
• 3:42
  So now I have to wait because it's Friday.
• 3:44
  I waited too long.
• 3:45
  So it's like, okay, it's Friday now.
• 3:47
  I really am losing my track of the dates.
• 3:49
  Don't worry about the dates.
• 3:49
  It doesn't matter.
• 3:50
  Okay, in case they're listening and they try to sue me.
• 3:52
  You know what you did.
• 3:54
  So I called, I left three voicemails.
• 3:59
  I had this all written down somewhere.
• 4:01
  I'm purging it from my brain.
• 4:02
  I had three voicemails.
• 4:03
  I left them.
• 4:04
  They never answered any of them.
• 4:06
  Finally, I called back and I got someone from claims.
• 4:09
  And I was like, I rehashed my whole life story.
• 4:12
  And she's like, oh, I don't see that there's a support ticket.
• 4:15
  And I was like, nah.
• 4:19
  Nah, there's a support.
• 4:20
  Something's going on.
• 4:21
  You need to figure it out.
• 4:22
  And she goes, oh, well, we wouldn't even pay this claim anyway.
• 4:25
  This would be this other company.
• 4:26
  And I was like, no, no, no, no.
• 4:29
  This is you.
• 4:31
  If you know how many times I talked to the other company, you would know it was you.
• 4:34
  And she's like, well, I don't know what to tell.
• 4:36
  I'm like, I don't know what to tell you.
• 4:37
  You need to figure out how I'm getting paid.
• 4:39
  It is on you.
• 4:41
  And then she's like, let me talk to my manager.
• 4:43
  And she goes back, and she goes, I do see there's a ticket open.
• 4:46
  And I'm like, now there's a ticket open.
• 4:48
  Now you have a ticket open.
• 4:50
  When was it open?
• 4:50
  I don't have any information on that
• 4:52
  you don't have any information on that
• 4:54
  she goes yeah we're going to be opening a ticket
• 4:55
  you're going to be opening a ticket
• 4:57
  I thought a minute ago
• 4:59
  there was a ticket
• 5:00
  no there is a ticket
• 5:03
  but you don't know why it was opened
• 5:04
  or when it was opened
• 5:05
  or when it will be resolved
• 5:07
  or even why it exists
• 5:08
  none of this information exists
• 5:10
  I just don't want to tell you
• 5:12
  I need to speak to your manager
• 5:14
  let me see if he's available
• 5:15
  the silence of me right now
• 5:19
  is me waiting
• 5:20
  Oh, we're going to cut a chart.
• 5:21
  She came back and said, he's not available.
• 5:24
  I said, okay.
• 5:27
  She said, he'll call you back.
• 5:28
  I said, no.
• 5:30
  That means he's never going to call.
• 5:32
  I know what you guys are doing.
• 5:34
  And she goes, okay, I'll put you on hold.
• 5:39
  And okay, he's available now.
• 5:41
  Great.
• 5:42
  She says, I'll connect you.
• 5:44
  I hear the, of her typing.
• 5:47
  At first I'm like, does she just put the phone down?
• 5:49
  she just put the phone down
• 5:50
  and then the line goes dead
• 5:52
  I don't know if you've ever seen
• 5:56
  feelings
• 5:56
  in your eyes
• 5:58
  but I had to like
• 6:00
  totally disassociate
• 6:01
  and then I get a call from
• 6:03
  an unknown number
• 6:05
  I'm like it's him
• 6:06
  oh my god he's calling me
• 6:07
  it's him
• 6:08
  it was him
• 6:08
  he's like
• 6:10
  hello this is
• 6:11
  yeah he's British
• 6:12
  okay
• 6:12
  I can't even do it right now
• 6:14
  I'd be too pissed
• 6:15
  he calls
• 6:16
  I want you to try
• 6:17
  hello this is so and so from what's this fuck and i'm like yeah and keep in mind i'm nice every time
• 6:24
  i start first of all i'm recording these calls myself so i always think about that i'm like okay
• 6:30
  remember you're recording so you gotta be nice then i forget that i'm recording toward the end
• 6:34
  anyway you know it's hard to maintain when they're lying it's hard to stay nice
• 6:40
  so i tell him my whole life story and he goes hmm and he says a bunch of shit that i don't like
• 6:46
  like, what was it? It was a lie. It was just like, oh, maybe this wasn't, I don't know,
• 6:52
  it's lies anymore. It's all lies with them. He basically was like, we'd never worked with your
• 6:57
  contractor before. And there was a problem getting them in the system. And that's why
• 7:00
  the supporting is. We've never worked with your contractor before.
• 7:04
  There was a problem with the system in it. Sorry, am I taking you back there?
• 7:10
  That's all I was hearing. And I'm like, this place is in Indiana. You're British in Indiana.
• 7:15
  Congratulations.
• 7:16
  Welcome to America.
• 7:18
  You picked the wrong place.
• 7:19
  He probably gets so much snizz, though.
• 7:21
  I'm sure.
• 7:22
  He's a British guy in Indiana.
• 7:23
  I don't...
• 7:24
  No, I don't want that for him.
• 7:26
  I want him to be in Snizzless County, Indiana.
• 7:29
  Beautiful country.
• 7:31
  Gorgeous.
• 7:33
  So anyway, try to make this short.
• 7:36
  He tells me this.
• 7:38
  He goes, oh, and you're not the only person in this situation.
• 7:40
  There's other customers.
• 7:41
  I'm like, I don't care.
• 7:43
  This has been going on since August 7th.
• 7:45
  This claim started in June.
• 7:49
  Well,
• 7:50
  and then here's what happened.
• 7:51
  And here's where
• 7:51
  I don't even know what to tell you.
• 7:55
  I said what I said.
• 7:56
  He goes,
• 7:58
  well,
• 7:58
  how much are you waiting for anyway?
• 8:01
  And from my head,
• 8:02
  I'm like,
• 8:02
  fucking irrelevant.
• 8:04
  I don't care if it's $5.
• 8:05
  It's your money.
• 8:06
  Pay it.
• 8:06
  Yeah.
• 8:07
  And I'm like,
• 8:07
  the claim's for like $529.
• 8:09
  And he goes,
• 8:10
  oh,
• 8:11
  you wouldn't get that much anyway.
• 8:14
  I would say,
• 8:15
  what?
• 8:15
  So I'm like, what?
• 8:17
  And he goes, yeah, we have labor,
• 8:20
  we have rate caps on labor.
• 8:22
  I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 8:27
  And then he started talking and then I was like,
• 8:30
  you motherfucker.
• 8:32
  And he goes excuse me I don have to listen to this And then I repeated that a few times said some other stuff Told him to eat something And then he hung up That rhymes with lass
• 8:46
  Sure does.
• 8:47
  Lass mole.
• 8:49
  Anyway, that, so I was like, I'm never, I just, I wrote it off.
• 8:52
  I'm like, that's the end of it.
• 8:53
  I'm never getting paid.
• 8:54
  I just paid $529 to call someone a bunch of names.
• 8:57
  If I look at it that way, maybe it was money well spent.
• 9:00
  And today, I get an email from the company that said, my claim has been closed out.
• 9:09
  No word on what that means.
• 9:12
  But it was kind of rage-inducing.
• 9:18
  Like, they've just been like, well, we consider this matter settled.
• 9:21
  Or like, they're sending you a check.
• 9:25
  I don't know.
• 9:27
  I'll tell you exactly what it said.
• 9:30
  Where is it?
• 9:33
  It's gone.
• 9:35
  I found it.
• 9:37
  Your service claim has been completed.
• 9:39
  Hello, blank, blank.
• 9:40
  Those are my names.
• 9:42
  Your service claim has been completed,
• 9:43
  and we hope you're satisfied with the service you received.
• 9:46
  The details are shown below.
• 9:48
  Well, the details shown below don't mean shit.
• 9:52
  There's no price.
• 9:53
  There's no timeline.
• 9:59
  Sorry.
• 10:00
  You need to find some kind of active subreddit relating to their industry or even their company itself.
• 10:06
  And you need to leave a very scathing review with all of this detail.
• 10:10
  Sweet of you to assume I haven't already exhausted any and all electronic platform that I could find that had anything to do with these people.
• 10:18
  Well, did it make you feel better at least?
• 10:20
  Like being able to share your story and like let the people know that these are bastard people.
• 10:24
  It made me feel better knowing that when I looked at their reviews, it's like, oh, they do this.
• 10:29
  they just do this to people.
• 10:30
  They're not reputable.
• 10:31
  It's their business model.
• 10:32
  Yeah.
• 10:32
  It's like...
• 10:33
  So, like, they're not gonna,
• 10:34
  they're not gonna last.
• 10:35
  They will fail eventually.
• 10:36
  No, actually,
• 10:37
  it's a huge company.
• 10:39
  Really?
• 10:39
  It's very well known
• 10:40
  and their,
• 10:41
  their, like, umbrella
• 10:42
  has, like,
• 10:43
  multiple subsidiaries under it
• 10:44
  and it's just, like,
• 10:45
  one of those subsidiaries
• 10:46
  that's handling this section
• 10:47
  of, like, the claims.
• 10:48
  It's like...
• 10:49
  Do we want to say
• 10:49
  which huge company it is
• 10:50
  on the pod
• 10:51
  so that our listeners know
• 10:52
  that they shouldn't
• 10:54
  patronize that business?
• 10:55
  Well, no,
• 10:56
  because it's not,
• 10:57
  first of all,
• 10:57
  they could bury me
• 10:58
  in a...
• 10:59
  you don't want
• 11:01
  you don't know how
• 11:01
  litigious they are
• 11:02
  they're gonna take that
• 11:03
  sweet sweet
• 11:04
  five hundred and twenty
• 11:04
  nine dollars and put it
• 11:06
  towards the lawyer
• 11:06
  it's a retention
• 11:07
  yeah
• 11:07
  but also
• 11:08
  listeners just know that
• 11:09
  it rhymes with
• 11:09
  cock heed fart
• 11:11
  it doesn't
• 11:14
  um
• 11:14
  good rhyme though
• 11:15
  um
• 11:16
  no I was gonna say that
• 11:17
  even if I wanted to
• 11:18
  and I do
• 11:19
  I'm gonna blast them
• 11:19
  everywhere
• 11:20
  um
• 11:21
  even if
• 11:23
  I said the name
• 11:24
  it wouldn't matter
• 11:24
  because
• 11:25
  what they do
• 11:27
  is
• 11:28
  you're not even doing business with it.
• 11:30
  When you, like, get a product,
• 11:32
  it's something that a secondary company handles.
• 11:35
  So it's like, you're not going to avoid them.
• 11:37
  So they're B2B.
• 11:38
  Completely involuntary association on your part.
• 11:41
  Right.
• 11:41
  It wasn't an active choice by you.
• 11:43
  Yeah, let's just say
• 11:44
  if a company ever tries to sell you
• 11:46
  an extended warranty on something,
• 11:48
  ask who services the warranty.
• 11:49
  That's all I'm going to say.
• 11:51
  Okay.
• 11:53
  I hope that wasn't boring.
• 11:56
  It's good to get it out.
• 11:57
  It's just rage-inducing on your behalf.
• 11:59
  Yeah.
• 12:00
  Thanks.
• 12:01
  Your rage is never boring.
• 12:02
  Yeah, it's frustrating to listen to.
• 12:04
  I am going to write a book about it.
• 12:05
  I told Jenna.
• 12:06
  Yeah.
• 12:06
  I have it all outlined.
• 12:07
  So I'm going to make some money on this.
• 12:09
  Good.
• 12:11
  But you're going to redact every proper noun.
• 12:14
  No, it'll be a fake name.
• 12:17
  Everything.
• 12:19
  Welcome to Very Fine Friends,
• 12:22
  where friends get their revenge
• 12:25
  through the word,
• 12:28
  both spoken and written.
• 12:31
  I would not want to be on the other end of you
• 12:34
  yelling like that at me.
• 12:37
  I wasn't even yelling.
• 12:38
  Actually, when I was calling him names,
• 12:40
  it was just very matter-of-factly being like,
• 12:43
  you are this.
• 12:45
  That is what you are.
• 12:46
  You have, wait, you have recordings of all of this.
• 12:49
  Yeah.
• 12:49
  Oh, I want to hear that.
• 12:51
  So now we know what we're doing tonight.
• 12:53
  Yeah.
• 12:53
  All right.
• 12:54
  Okay.
• 12:54
  We're going to wrap this up early.
• 12:57
  Good night, folks.
• 12:59
  Yeah, they're not the only one who can record a phone call for quality assurance purposes.
• 13:06
  Wow.
• 13:07
  Well, quick interruption.
• 13:08
  Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
• 13:19
  Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into
• 13:24
  our conversation without the other person noticing.
• 13:27
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 13:32
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 13:37
  And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
• 13:42
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 13:46
  Jenna's secret word is sprouting.
• 13:48
  Jenna's decoy word is insinuations.
• 13:52
  Francis' secret word is measly.
• 13:54
  Francis' decoy word is alphabetized.
• 13:58
  Back to the pod.
• 13:59
  I can't wait to read your book.
• 14:02
  It's going to be great.
• 14:03
  Thank you.
• 14:04
  Yes, it will.
• 14:05
  I'm looking forward to the audio book personally.
• 14:07
  I know.
• 14:08
  Maybe you can narrate it.
• 14:10
  You have such a great voice.
• 14:11
  I was talking about your voice or your recording of the book.
• 14:13
  Oh, yeah.
• 14:14
  The audio, yeah.
• 14:15
  But you just got me too uninteresting.
• 14:16
  I do.
• 14:16
  But yeah, no, the idea still holds water, though.
• 14:18
  I don't want to dismiss it.
• 14:19
  I will only charge you $529.
• 14:21
  That's very funny.
• 14:23
  Well, actually, it's going to be less than that.
• 14:25
  Fuck you.
• 14:26
  You motherfucker.
• 14:33
  I don't have to listen to this.
• 14:35
  Eat my last mole.
• 14:39
  Just so we're all clear, I do love British people.
• 14:42
  It just did not help to have him be the final boss.
• 14:46
  Because it's like he probably sounded snooty and uppity anyway.
• 14:49
  What if he was faking it?
• 14:51
  Wow.
• 14:53
  That'd be funny.
• 14:54
  What if it's the same guy that you've been talking to the whole time and he just puts on an accent when he pretends to be the manager?
• 14:58
  I hate that that's funny to me, but it is.
• 14:59
  Yeah.
• 15:00
  I think it's okay to have generalized anger towards a group of people if you're mad at one particular person of their group.
• 15:09
  I think that's fine.
• 15:10
  At least for a minute.
• 15:11
  You do that with kids.
• 15:13
  When a kid annoys you, you hate old kids.
• 15:15
  You stupid kid.
• 15:17
  That is true.
• 15:18
  So.
• 15:19
  And that never goes away.
• 15:21
  Yeah.
• 15:21
  Hate one kid, you hate him for life.
• 15:22
  Yep.
• 15:24
  Oh.
• 15:26
  Well, did we burn up 20 minutes on that?
• 15:27
  I do a function.
• 15:28
  Yeah.
• 15:31
  You know what I think would be a good idea?
• 15:33
  Hmm.
• 15:34
  Let's invent some new outlets for our emotions.
• 15:38
  It's time for the invention of the week.
• 15:42
  Inventions.
• 15:45
  I've invented a gun.
• 15:49
  I love it.
• 15:51
  Okay, so...
• 15:52
  Warranty not available.
• 15:53
  So, it's a nice quickie.
• 15:56
  Okay, great.
• 15:57
  And it came to me because I love to lock my door and sleep in the nude.
• 16:04
  Okay.
• 16:06
  But there's always the fear of a midnight emergency that requires clothes.
• 16:12
  And one thing I do not want to be is naked in front of my father and my dog.
• 16:20
  Oh.
• 16:21
  Yeah.
• 16:22
  Fair.
• 16:24
  Your dog's never seen you naked?
• 16:25
  You're like, just my father.
• 16:28
  Actually, I'm sure she is.
• 16:30
  You can, like, disassociate from that, because, like, you're not thinking what I'm thinking.
• 16:36
  Holy crap, Dad's naked.
• 16:37
  There he is.
• 16:39
  If I can see a thought bubble, that's what she was saying.
• 16:42
  I don't know.
• 16:45
  I don't know.
• 16:47
  Anyway, I digress.
• 16:49
  Back to the pod.
• 16:51
  Gentle prodding from Joe.
• 16:54
  The invention is...
• 16:56
  It's to solve that problem.
• 17:01
  So, picture this.
• 17:04
  This invention will be told through story.
• 17:08
  Picture you are in the buff.
• 17:11
  Okay.
• 17:11
  You're in your bed.
• 17:12
  You're comfortable.
• 17:13
  All right.
• 17:14
  Your cheeks are out.
• 17:15
  You're loving life.
• 17:16
  Great You reading the book maybe Oh yeah Yeah you got your comforter on you take it off You put it on and take it off You are naked Just fanning myself with my comforter
• 17:28
  But it feels good.
• 17:29
  And you put the TV on.
• 17:31
  It's starting to doze off because you're getting sleepy.
• 17:34
  Well, you fall asleep.
• 17:35
  Dream, dream, dream.
• 17:36
  Oh, you're sleeping now.
• 17:38
  You're sleeping and you're naked still.
• 17:40
  Oh, dude.
• 17:42
  Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee, what's going on?
• 17:45
  I can't!
• 17:47
  Wee-oo!
• 17:48
  What do you do?
• 17:50
  You don't have time to get dressed.
• 17:52
  Just pounding at the door.
• 17:53
  We're with the city!
• 17:54
  We're here to save you!
• 17:56
  Your house is on fire!
• 17:58
  Oh, no!
• 18:00
  Thank God, and very fine friends,
• 18:04
  that you have the clothes put her on her 3000.
• 18:10
  It's an area where you go stand,
• 18:12
  and you put your hands up like at the airport,
• 18:14
  and it quickly drapes you in an outfit
• 18:17
  that it staples together around your body
• 18:20
  so that you can leave the house
• 18:22
  in an emergency situation.
• 18:26
  Okay.
• 18:28
  How much time does this take?
• 18:29
  Seconds.
• 18:30
  You step on it,
• 18:31
  you either use the voice activated code
• 18:33
  or you tap with your foot
• 18:34
  and it shoots on a loincloth or something similar.
• 18:40
  Uh,
• 18:40
  What? Or something similar like a robe?
• 18:45
  Yeah.
• 18:46
  Which is the current method,
• 18:49
  but people have to quickly dress?
• 18:51
  What if your robe is at the dry cleaners?
• 18:52
  That's what robes are for.
• 18:53
  No, there's no robe. You don't have a robe.
• 18:55
  No one owns a robe anymore.
• 18:56
  Robes are gone. Robes are gone.
• 18:59
  Okay. We're in a robeless world.
• 19:02
  Robes are gone. They're gone.
• 19:05
  It's faster than a robe.
• 19:10
  Okay, good.
• 19:18
  We got the slogan already.
• 19:20
  What was it that you called it?
• 19:22
  The clothes putter on?
• 19:22
  That was just a placeholder.
• 19:23
  Oh, okay.
• 19:24
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:24
  I was thinking you need to write that down.
• 19:26
  This robe.
• 19:28
  This robe?
• 19:30
  Write that down.
• 19:31
  Nice.
• 19:34
  So I was thinking it was going to be like,
• 19:37
  like one of those kind of like,
• 19:39
  like pull apart like door things that you can have like like say like your back door or something
• 19:45
  where it's got like magnets in the middle yeah um but like it could be like a a towel and it's at
• 19:52
  like waist height like like a dog door or a baby door and you just run through it you run through
• 19:56
  it and then it snaps onto you in the back like uh like a slap watch but with your waist
• 20:01
  and then you're just in a towel yeah but you might oh sorry ladies i forgot about your
• 20:08
  tits. You're allowed to have those
• 20:10
  out in an emergency, I'm pretty sure. Okay.
• 20:12
  Yeah, but I don't want them out. Right, right. You want the
• 20:14
  you want this room. I only
• 20:16
  I only take my tits out when it's safe.
• 20:19
  Yeah.
• 20:20
  No, this is great because it basically
• 20:22
  puts on like a medical gown
• 20:24
  where it's like
• 20:25
  it's not going to fall off.
• 20:28
  You know? It's not some
• 20:30
  fucking measly towel-y putter on her.
• 20:33
  Oh, yeah. No, this is
• 20:34
  substantial. Substantial merchandise.
• 20:36
  twice.
• 20:38
  Okay.
• 20:39
  Um,
• 20:40
  can you use it
• 20:43
  not in an emergency?
• 20:45
  Like,
• 20:45
  could you preload
• 20:46
  other clothing
• 20:46
  and just have it
• 20:47
  dress you?
• 20:48
  Yeah,
• 20:48
  absolutely.
• 20:49
  Okay.
• 20:50
  Yeah,
• 20:50
  for sure.
• 20:52
  Yes.
• 20:52
  Because,
• 20:53
  I mean,
• 20:53
  you also,
• 20:54
  you would want to
• 20:54
  probably be stylish.
• 20:57
  There's,
• 20:58
  if your house is on fire,
• 20:59
  there could be some
• 20:59
  hot firemen coming by.
• 21:00
  Hot firemen are hot.
• 21:02
  Hot,
• 21:02
  hot,
• 21:02
  hot.
• 21:02
  I know one who isn't.
• 21:04
  Um,
• 21:04
  okay,
• 21:05
  well,
• 21:06
  Exception proves the hot rule.
• 21:12
  Well, it doesn't really, but that's okay.
• 21:16
  Fireman, if you're listening and we know you are, you're hot.
• 21:20
  Sorry that one bad, ugly fireman's bringing down your hot, hot name.
• 21:29
  Yes, you can be stylish.
• 21:32
  It has different types of clothes you could put on.
• 21:36
  Um
• 21:38
  But it's fast baby
• 21:40
  Fast
• 21:43
  I mean that really is key
• 21:45
  We're in a robeless world
• 21:46
  Robes are pretty fast
• 21:48
  No one has a robe
• 21:50
  Do you own a robe?
• 21:51
  I don't but I've never liked
• 21:53
  People do have robes
• 21:54
  No they don't
• 21:55
  I'll tell you what
• 21:56
  If I slept in the nude
• 21:57
  I would probably have a robe
• 22:00
  No you'd have a this robe
• 22:01
  I do have a robe
• 22:03
  I have to say
• 22:04
  But you're not gonna have time to run to your closet
• 22:06
  and find it and slip it on.
• 22:07
  I know exactly where it is at all times.
• 22:10
  And it's lined with faux fur.
• 22:11
  What if the fire in your closet?
• 22:14
  It's not in my closet.
• 22:16
  You're killing me here.
• 22:18
  What if the fire is where your robe is?
• 22:22
  In my water closet with my bathroom and my toilet?
• 22:26
  Or my shower and my toilet?
• 22:29
  Yes, let's say you left a candle on in the bathroom.
• 22:31
  And now your whole shit is up in flames.
• 22:34
  I think I have bigger...
• 22:35
  You're shitters in flames.
• 22:36
  Yeah, then I'd have much bigger problems than where's my robe.
• 22:39
  For you from the city to save you because you're shitters in flames.
• 22:42
  You're shitters in flames in a robeless world.
• 22:50
  You don't want this?
• 22:52
  I'm not saying I don't want it.
• 22:54
  I'm just saying robes still exist in my world.
• 22:56
  You're one of few people who owns a robe.
• 23:00
  Funny sidebar.
• 23:01
  My dad used to take the robes from all the hotels he said
• 23:03
  because he thought they were free.
• 23:04
  yeah no they're not
• 23:06
  don't charge you for that
• 23:07
  can you have different
• 23:10
  outfits depending upon what kind
• 23:13
  of disaster it is
• 23:14
  what do you
• 23:17
  mean I mean like
• 23:18
  oh
• 23:21
  like if it's like a
• 23:22
  plane falling out of the sky then I want like
• 23:24
  that cute yellow outfit that I have
• 23:26
  or if it's like
• 23:27
  if it's a fire then like a pencil
• 23:30
  skirt and a tube top or like
• 23:32
  you know
• 23:34
  just dress for the occasion.
• 23:36
  Here's what I'll say.
• 23:39
  The
• 23:39
  overarching
• 23:41
  inspiration,
• 23:44
  inspo, if you will,
• 23:46
  behind this.
• 23:47
  I won't, by the way.
• 23:49
  I will.
• 23:50
  I'll allow it.
• 23:51
  Thank you.
• 23:56
  Is speed.
• 23:58
  So,
• 23:58
  there's one button that's like,
• 24:00
  I don't have time to pick a cute outfit.
• 24:02
  Put something on me.
• 24:03
  Boop.
• 24:04
  now you're clothed.
• 24:05
  If it's not that kind of emergency,
• 24:07
  there's a dial on the other side.
• 24:10
  No, I understand.
• 24:10
  I'm just saying,
• 24:11
  I want to, like,
• 24:12
  if it's a tsunami happening,
• 24:14
  I want to know, like,
• 24:14
  oh, I'll go to this closet
• 24:15
  because it has this tsunami
• 24:17
  emergency outfit preset.
• 24:19
  I understand.
• 24:20
  I'm not trying to compromise
• 24:21
  the speed at all.
• 24:22
  I'm just saying,
• 24:22
  can I have multiple
• 24:23
  in multiple locations
• 24:25
  to be prepared
• 24:27
  for different types of disasters?
• 24:28
  We are not going to stop you
• 24:29
  from purchasing multiple this robes.
• 24:32
  That's good.
• 24:33
  Yeah
• 24:35
  I learned it in business school
• 24:38
  Keep selling people shit
• 24:40
  Okay
• 24:44
  How
• 24:51
  What was it?
• 24:52
  How?
• 24:52
  Okay
• 24:53
  Francis just
• 25:02
  and shot Joe with a little foam dart.
• 25:07
  He was waiting for me to turn towards him, too.
• 25:09
  He ambushed me.
• 25:10
  He ambushed me, listeners.
• 25:13
  How big is it?
• 25:14
  Like, what does it look like?
• 25:18
  In your house.
• 25:19
  What does it look like?
• 25:20
  Yeah.
• 25:20
  Sure.
• 25:21
  It's, um...
• 25:22
  I want to know what the footprint is.
• 25:24
  It is, um...
• 25:26
  You know those airplane machines?
• 25:29
  Or the x-ray machines where you get in?
• 25:30
  It's not that big.
• 25:31
  Okay.
• 25:32
  it basically is like a big X that you stand in the middle of because that's
• 25:37
  where like the material is.
• 25:38
  Right.
• 25:39
  And then like you put your,
• 25:40
  your hands up and you spread your legs and the materials on the bottom and
• 25:43
  the top and it shoots it down.
• 25:45
  And then they attach around the middle.
• 25:48
  So you put you in like a onesie.
• 25:51
  So it's like a big X.
• 25:54
  Okay.
• 25:57
  So then everyone would have to buy one for their size then Yeah Well you can adjust You set it up It like your seat in your car
• 26:09
  You know?
• 26:09
  Like you set it and then you save it.
• 26:12
  Oh, yeah.
• 26:13
  Because then you also say it staples together materials.
• 26:16
  It's not actually like an outfit per se.
• 26:21
  Am I making that up?
• 26:22
  No, no, you're not.
• 26:23
  It's like a medical gown that is put on you.
• 26:31
  Okay.
• 26:39
  Hey.
• 26:43
  Joe just threw the dart at Francis.
• 26:49
  Okay.
• 26:50
  Okay.
• 26:50
  I
• 26:51
  Alright
• 26:53
  I
• 26:53
  I
• 26:54
  There's
• 26:55
  I guess no
• 26:56
  Talking you out of the idea that
• 26:59
  This is
• 27:04
  No talking me out of my idea
• 27:05
  I don't
• 27:07
  What do you mean?
• 27:09
  I don't know how this is
• 27:10
  Better
• 27:13
  Than just
• 27:14
  Having a spare
• 27:16
  Set of clothes
• 27:20
  Like, I think about the clothing, like, not to give too much away, I sleep in my underwear.
• 27:27
  Woo!
• 27:28
  Yes.
• 27:29
  I like how Francis started this with, I sleep naked with the door locked.
• 27:32
  You're like, not to give too much away, but I sleep in my underwear.
• 27:36
  But I've always thought, like, but I have clothes that are nearby.
• 27:40
  I was like, I could quickly throw on some pants.
• 27:43
  This would not be a...
• 27:45
  Well, some people, maybe they have mobility issues, and it's hard for them to, like...
• 27:50
  Yeah.
• 27:50
  Button.
• 27:52
  Yeah, well, if you're doing something with buttons, folks, you're doing it wrong.
• 27:56
  Also, couldn't you—well, I know you—I guess you don't want—you said you didn't want—
• 28:03
  you didn't want your dad and your dog to see you naked.
• 28:06
  Yeah, that's still how I feel.
• 28:09
  Yeah, fair.
• 28:10
  I'm glad it hasn't changed in the last few minutes.
• 28:14
  Okay, well, I'm sure that the material will have a Rocco's Modern Life.
• 28:20
  Print.
• 28:21
  Need you even ask?
• 28:22
  I know.
• 28:24
  Silly.
• 28:25
  And are we coming up with any other names?
• 28:27
  Disrobe.
• 28:28
  Disrobe.
• 28:29
  I like disrobe.
• 28:30
  Disrobe.
• 28:31
  Like, oh.
• 28:33
  You want to say dis, not this?
• 28:35
  I like this, because that's what Joe said.
• 28:37
  But I like the idea of saying, like, dis bitch.
• 28:40
  Disrobe.
• 28:42
  Take out disrobe.
• 28:43
  Faster than a robe.
• 28:47
  Dis robes.
• 28:48
  D's or O's
• 28:50
  write it down
• 28:50
  write it
• 28:52
  make sure it's alphabetized
• 28:54
  okay
• 28:59
  shut up
• 28:59
  no I just like that for
• 29:01
  like I think we had
• 29:03
  three names that all
• 29:04
  started with the same letter
• 29:04
  oh
• 29:05
  that is for
• 29:06
  and I did alphabetize them
• 29:08
  nice
• 29:08
  so I like that
• 29:11
  we're having a name
• 29:12
  that people are going
• 29:13
  to have to say
• 29:14
  in a certain way
• 29:14
  for it to make sense
• 29:16
  you're gonna have to know
• 29:18
  the funny way to say
• 29:20
  white people
• 29:21
  have fun with this one
• 29:22
  that's all we're gonna say
• 29:24
  do you ever
• 29:26
  like
• 29:27
  watch Spanish TV
• 29:29
  or
• 29:30
  or
• 29:31
  listen to Spanish radio
• 29:32
  or whatever
• 29:33
  and they do commercials
• 29:34
  and it's like
• 29:35
  it's all in
• 29:35
  it's all in
• 29:37
  English
• 29:38
  and then
• 29:39
  or it's all in Spanish
• 29:39
  and then there'll be like
• 29:40
  the name of the company
• 29:41
  que fundacita por amaz
• 29:43
  Lysol
• 29:44
  yeah
• 29:44
  yeah it's like
• 29:45
  a bunch of Spanish
• 29:46
  and it'll be like
• 29:47
  Larry Miller Toyota.
• 29:51
  Yeah.
• 29:51
  Nice.
• 29:52
  Do we do that with anything
• 29:53
  in English?
• 29:56
  Where we say it
• 29:57
  in an accent?
• 30:01
  Yeah.
• 30:02
  Yeah, I guess like
• 30:02
  the people that
• 30:03
  do things like
• 30:06
  I'll get a cheese
• 30:08
  quesadilla
• 30:08
  something like that.
• 30:10
  That's kind of the similar.
• 30:11
  Yeah, Bartholona.
• 30:11
  I had the same Spanish teacher
• 30:13
  for three out of four years
• 30:14
  and the fourth one
• 30:15
  was a different teacher
• 30:16
  and he was from Argentina
• 30:18
  and he was doing like the
• 30:20
  bojo thing.
• 30:22
  Bojo.
• 30:23
  And I go,
• 30:24
  I like raised my hand like,
• 30:25
  sir,
• 30:25
  I'm pretty sure it's pollo.
• 30:30
  And I had no idea.
• 30:31
  You corrected the teacher?
• 30:32
  What an ass I look like.
• 30:33
  Yeah.
• 30:34
  That's bold.
• 30:35
  Yeah.
• 30:35
  What a last mole you looked like.
• 30:38
  Yeah.
• 30:39
  He was nice about it though.
• 30:40
  He's like,
• 30:40
  well,
• 30:41
  in Argentina,
• 30:42
  this is how we say it.
• 30:43
  I'm like,
• 30:44
  oh.
• 30:45
  Well, okay, I guess disrobe.
• 30:52
  I'm sure it's already available.
• 30:55
  So all you naked sleepers, you're welcome.
• 31:00
  Nudists, but the S are Zs.
• 31:03
  Nudist.
• 31:05
  Okay.
• 31:08
  I never nudist that.
• 31:11
  That was very Midwestern.
• 31:12
  All right. I put it with three Zs.
• 31:16
  Thank you. That's what I wanted.
• 31:17
  That's what I figured.
• 31:19
  New Diz.
• 31:23
  Okay. It's available right now at veryfinefriends.com.
• 31:30
  Dizrobe. Available.
• 31:33
  Faster than a robe.
• 31:36
  We're faster than a robe.
• 31:38
  So pick one up today, listeners.
• 31:41
  And you're welcome for not being embarrassed in front of the hot fireman.
• 31:45
  It could be good also if you're, let's say you're, I'm not endorsing this,
• 31:49
  but let's say that you're like someone's cheating on their spouse
• 31:51
  and then their spouse comes in and finds them.
• 31:53
  And the person that they're cheating with didn't know they were married.
• 31:56
  While the spouses are fighting, they could quickly go over to the disrobe
• 32:01
  and get out of there.
• 32:04
  You know?
• 32:05
  Yeah, that's true.
• 32:06
  so listeners if you're gonna have an affair with someone that you don't know is actually married
• 32:11
  make sure that you either do it in your own home or if you're gonna do it in their home make sure
• 32:14
  that the same size as you and that they have this technology this technology yeah yeah do all that
• 32:24
  all right that wraps up the invention of the week
• 32:29
  It's time now for our next segment
• 32:35
  Allergic to chocolate
• 32:38
  Chocolate
• 32:40
  I remember when they first invented chocolate
• 32:44
  Sweet, sweet chocolate
• 32:46
  I always hated it
• 32:49
  Francis, do you want to explain this one?
• 32:53
  Or do you want me to?
• 32:54
  Yeah, just do it
• 32:54
  Okay
• 32:54
  We're going to be seeing some people
• 32:58
  who are just like the most annoying people ever.
• 33:04
  Yeah, nailed it.
• 33:06
  That's basically it.
• 33:07
  They suck.
• 33:08
  Why'd you try to involve me and I did great?
• 33:09
  Thank you.
• 33:10
  Better than I could have.
• 33:12
  You're just saying that.
• 33:13
  No, I wouldn't just speak.
• 33:16
  Thanks.
• 33:17
  I would think long and hard and then I would speak.
• 33:21
  Unlike you, Jenna.
• 33:23
  Yeah.
• 33:24
  By the time I was ready to speak,
• 33:25
  everyone would have gone home and I'd be alone.
• 33:27
  speaking in the dark.
• 33:30
  What brilliant things I would say.
• 33:32
  Oh, so much better than me.
• 33:34
  No.
• 33:35
  Okay, shall we do this?
• 33:36
  Let's do it.
• 33:37
  Okay.
• 33:39
  Hi.
• 33:40
  Oh, wow.
• 33:41
  You actually look exactly like your profile picture.
• 33:44
  This is great.
• 33:46
  Oh, thanks.
• 33:46
  I was a little worried because this is a few weeks old.
• 33:49
  So thanks for saying that.
• 33:50
  Yeah.
• 33:51
  And you, wow.
• 33:53
  Oh.
• 33:54
  Stop.
• 33:55
  No, it's okay.
• 33:57
  Oh, oh, okay. Well, I guess our table's ready.
• 34:03
  Oh, it's a booth, but yeah.
• 34:04
  Oh, okay. Oh, you're sitting right next to me.
• 34:09
  Is that okay? Let's put one arm around you, like I'm doing now.
• 34:15
  Okay. Well, doesn't it make it harder to talk when we were both facing the same direction?
• 34:22
  I don't think so. I can still hear you.
• 34:23
  Yeah, but I mean, you don't want to be able to like see the expression.
• 34:31
  Oh, okay.
• 34:31
  I don't want to, I'm not a know-it-all or anything, but most of human communication actually happens non-verbally.
• 34:39
  You might not have known that.
• 34:40
  But if it makes you more comfortable, sure, I'll go to the other side.
• 34:43
  Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that.
• 34:45
  Oh, so that's what you want? Okay.
• 34:47
  Yes. Yeah. Oh, that was a test?
• 34:52
  More of a quiz.
• 34:53
  Okay. Okay.
• 34:53
  All right. I'm going to sit here across the table.
• 34:56
  Oh, good. See?
• 34:57
  There you are.
• 34:58
  Yeah. So now I get to see that nonverbal communication. Great. Okay.
• 35:06
  So we really got to know each other these past few weeks.
• 35:10
  Yeah. I've really enjoyed messaging back and forth with you.
• 35:13
  Yeah, yeah, I enjoyed it.
• 35:19
  You hesitated a little.
• 35:21
  Well, no, I was just thinking about to enjoy.
• 35:25
  Is that appropriate to what we've got going on?
• 35:29
  Enjoying something?
• 35:30
  I would say I've been intrigued.
• 35:33
  The messaging has been intriguing to me.
• 35:35
  Okay, all right.
• 35:37
  I guess that's still not boring.
• 35:41
  So I'll take it
• 35:43
  Yeah
• 35:44
  You can order whatever you want
• 35:46
  I did bring my own food
• 35:47
  Because I do not trust a kitchen
• 35:48
  Wait
• 35:50
  You brought outside food to a restaurant?
• 35:52
  And my own flatware
• 35:53
  Okay
• 35:56
  Oh
• 35:58
  Oh
• 35:59
  Oh
• 35:59
  Oh it's pungent
• 36:00
  Mm
• 36:01
  It is not fresh
• 36:03
  I will tell you that
• 36:04
  Oh god
• 36:06
  Want a bite?
• 36:08
  No
• 36:08
  Ooh it has a hoof
• 36:10
  sticking out.
• 36:12
  Ugh.
• 36:14
  Yeah, it's a religious thing.
• 36:17
  Is that going to be a problem?
• 36:18
  Oh, sorry.
• 36:18
  I didn't mean to insult your religion.
• 36:23
  Oh, is that potato?
• 36:25
  Whatever it is, it's sprouting something.
• 36:28
  It's growing other things.
• 36:29
  Yeah, well, I told you it wasn't new.
• 36:31
  So you mentioned you were going back for your master's.
• 36:33
  Tell me more about that.
• 36:34
  Oh, yeah.
• 36:35
  Well, it's a funny story, actually.
• 36:37
  Um, I, so I, I was an English lit undergrad.
• 36:43
  And so this is kind of like going wild with it, but I wanted to.
• 36:48
  I haven't laughed yet.
• 36:49
  Oh, it's not like funny ha ha.
• 36:53
  It's more like funny, interesting.
• 36:56
  Oh, okay.
• 36:58
  Normally I would have just said interesting story.
• 37:01
  I really love to laugh.
• 37:04
  Okay.
• 37:04
  And you kind of set me up to thinking that was going to happen.
• 37:07
  knock knock oh who's there psychology degree that's what i'm going for i'm going to get
• 37:18
  my master's in psychology oh i i'm sorry i you're doing oh you were making a joke i was trying to
• 37:26
  frame it in a joke frame work you were it was recovery you were recovering okay if that's what
• 37:34
  you want to call it. No, it's good. No, personally, I do think that the best
• 37:37
  mental health professionals have a great sense of humor. So I would just hope that you'd be
• 37:45
  working on that just a little bit before you get your degree. Okay, okay. I, all right,
• 37:52
  I'm, I'll take an improv class. Oh, that's great. I know a really good theater. Oh, good. Oh,
• 37:59
  good. Have you done it? Have you taken improv before? I'm just an audience member.
• 38:04
  Oh, okay.
• 38:05
  Oh, so you're an enjoyer?
• 38:08
  Of.
• 38:09
  Enthusiasts.
• 38:11
  Okay.
• 38:11
  Yeah.
• 38:12
  They really can't handle my ideas there.
• 38:14
  What do you mean?
• 38:16
  Well, I like to give a lot of feedback.
• 38:17
  I think it just helps.
• 38:19
  You give feedback to them after the show?
• 38:21
  No, during.
• 38:23
  What?
• 38:23
  What are you yelling out?
• 38:26
  I'm assuming you're yelling out.
• 38:28
  Yeah.
• 38:29
  Anything.
• 38:31
  You know, if an accent slips.
• 38:34
  You know, if face work doesn't line up with something that's been established, I just want them to know.
• 38:40
  You're like, where's your backpack?
• 38:43
  They find this helpful?
• 38:45
  No.
• 38:46
  So far, no.
• 38:49
  Hey, this is bumming me out.
• 38:51
  Oh, sorry.
• 38:51
  It's bumming me out a little bit.
• 38:53
  Yeah, you know what?
• 38:53
  I'm a little bummed out, too.
• 38:55
  That's okay.
• 38:57
  Anything you want to know about me?
• 38:59
  Um, yeah.
• 39:01
  Tell me a little bit.
• 39:02
  tell me a little bit about
• 39:04
  where you grew up.
• 39:07
  Your childhood.
• 39:09
  Oof.
• 39:10
  That's a tough one.
• 39:12
  I have a genetic disease where
• 39:13
  I don't really grow up.
• 39:17
  So, oof.
• 39:18
  Right to the heart on that one.
• 39:22
  But,
• 39:23
  I mean,
• 39:26
  you look just like your profile pic,
• 39:27
  and your profile pic looks like an adult,
• 39:30
  because I wouldn't have swiped right
• 39:32
  on someone that looks like a child.
• 39:35
  So, what is this disease?
• 39:40
  Sorry, I'm allergic to the hoof.
• 39:45
  What I'm trying to say is my,
• 39:50
  it's called Peter Panitis,
• 39:54
  and I'm the third only person to have it,
• 39:57
  and what it means is that, yes,
• 39:59
  I might look like I'm aging on the outside,
• 40:01
  but my cells are very young.
• 40:04
  They call them toddler cells.
• 40:06
  See, they never fully turn over,
• 40:12
  and so they just stay young.
• 40:16
  Oh, that actually sounds like it's a positive thing.
• 40:20
  I mean, if you're internally, you've got youth on your side,
• 40:24
  that sounds great.
• 40:26
  Oh, it does sound great?
• 40:28
  Yeah, I mean, I think it would.
• 40:29
  But if you just waited an extra second, you would have heard that randomly they all spontaneously die.
• 40:36
  Because your cells need to get older in order to avoid what's called apoptosis.
• 40:45
  Apoptosis?
• 40:45
  Yeah, that's a cell thing.
• 40:48
  But hey, you're genetically privileged, so that probably never came up for you.
• 40:54
  So wait, you're saying you might just drop dead at any moment because all of your cells just give up?
• 41:00
  I didn't say might.
• 41:01
  That's what's going to happen.
• 41:05
  So this might end any second now, is what you're trying to tell me.
• 41:09
  I know, and thank God that we're spending this time together.
• 41:15
  Me and Felice.
• 41:17
  Can I call you that?
• 41:18
  Please don't.
• 41:21
  Can I leave you as that in my phone?
• 41:23
  You can do whatever you want, buddy.
• 41:25
  I'm definitely going to block your number.
• 41:30
  This has been just awful.
• 41:33
  Oh, no.
• 41:33
  Come on.
• 41:34
  Wait, wait, wait.
• 41:35
  I'm just a little nervous.
• 41:36
  I'm just a guy with a disease.
• 41:39
  Trying to make it in the world.
• 41:41
  That's my hoof.
• 41:43
  Let's try one more thing.
• 41:44
  Okay.
• 41:46
  Let me put a quarter in this jukebox.
• 41:48
  Oh, great.
• 41:50
  Any preference?
• 41:51
  Um, something fun.
• 41:54
  Maybe like an oldie.
• 41:56
  Okay, what would you pick?
• 41:58
  Um, I don't know.
• 42:00
  Surprise me.
• 42:01
  Something.
• 42:01
  I really want you to pick something.
• 42:03
  Pick an oldie.
• 42:05
  Uh, Hound Dog by Elvis Presley.
• 42:11
  What's old about that?
• 42:15
  What's old about that?
• 42:16
  It from like the 50s The 1950s Yeah That new Are you trying to get into a semantic argument about the length of time
• 42:28
  Well, I don't know how we would do that.
• 42:31
  I mean, I'm clearly right about this.
• 42:33
  Do you know how long there's been instruments?
• 42:36
  When you said oldie, I thought, oh, she's going to pick...
• 42:39
  She's going to pick Beethoven.
• 42:42
  She's going to pick caveman rock drum.
• 42:45
  You think...
• 42:47
  You think this jukebox has caveman rock drum?
• 42:54
  Oh, there it is. Look, look.
• 42:56
  Oh my god, it does.
• 42:57
  Remastered.
• 43:02
  All right.
• 43:03
  I'm leaving.
• 43:04
  Okay, before you go.
• 43:06
  Yeah.
• 43:07
  Have some hoof.
• 43:08
  We now cut away from that scene of a date
• 43:15
  To two local mayoral candidates
• 43:19
  At a debate
• 43:20
  Addressing one another
• 43:22
  Hello
• 43:30
  Hello, thank you for being civil
• 43:34
  Well
• 43:35
  Civility
• 43:37
  Is
• 43:38
  the backbone of any society.
• 43:42
  And of course,
• 43:44
  I will withhold
• 43:45
  civility to a fault.
• 43:49
  And Douglas here
• 43:51
  knows that I have got scoliosis,
• 43:54
  so for him to bring up the backbone
• 43:55
  can only be interpreted as a
• 43:58
  personal attack.
• 43:59
  I'm willing to look past it,
• 44:01
  if I can count on your vote.
• 44:07
  What
• 44:07
  Reginald is not telling you
• 44:10
  is that scoliosis is what
• 44:14
  he's named his cat. That's right.
• 44:16
  He has a flippant name for his cat.
• 44:20
  Thereby mocking all people that really have
• 44:22
  scoliosis.
• 44:24
  If you vote for me, I will
• 44:26
  respect all
• 44:28
  diseases.
• 44:30
  Big and small.
• 44:36
  Lies.
• 44:37
  But that's beside the point.
• 44:41
  Talk about respecting disease.
• 44:45
  Um, Regin...
• 44:47
  is me.
• 44:50
  I can't believe you would bring up my cat.
• 44:52
  Sorry. Normally I'm very composed.
• 44:54
  Yes, the name is Scoliosis.
• 44:56
  Why do you think I would name my cat Scoliosis?
• 45:01
  Huh?
• 45:02
  To mock your constituents.
• 45:05
  No, to mock or to mirror.
• 45:07
  to mirror.
• 45:13
  Douglas talks a lot about respect.
• 45:15
  He asks for it. He demands it, really.
• 45:17
  What is respect, if not a copyrighted title of an oldie?
• 45:22
  Can't copyright a title.
• 45:26
  I feel like that's been established.
• 45:30
  What are we even doing here when we can't have an intellectual argument
• 45:35
  without getting into the weeds?
• 45:37
  Speaking of weed, Doug smokes.
• 45:41
  That's right.
• 45:42
  I'm just like you.
• 45:44
  I'm just like all of you.
• 45:47
  Meth.
• 45:48
  No.
• 45:49
  He said it.
• 45:51
  He said he was just like all of you.
• 45:53
  Meth heads.
• 45:55
  That's what he said.
• 45:56
  No, and I...
• 45:58
  I...
• 45:59
  resent the insinuation.
• 46:03
  Actually, the multiple insinuations.
• 46:05
  that I am a meth head.
• 46:09
  You've said it twice now.
• 46:11
  And you've said it once.
• 46:13
  I'm not.
• 46:16
  The only thing that's blue that I like
• 46:18
  is this beautiful sky over our beautiful town
• 46:24
  and a nice blueberry pie
• 46:28
  from Mrs. Jenkins down the way.
• 46:34
  There she is, Mrs. Jenkins.
• 46:36
  Kiss my baby.
• 46:38
  I'll kiss your baby.
• 46:40
  I'll kiss it better than you.
• 46:42
  No, give me that baby back.
• 46:43
  Give me that baby back.
• 46:44
  I want my baby back, baby back.
• 46:51
  Baby's mine.
• 46:52
  No, no.
• 46:54
  Stop it.
• 46:55
  You're going to hurt this baby.
• 46:56
  Oh, look what you did.
• 46:58
  You ripped it in half.
• 46:58
  Look, no.
• 46:59
  You got the bigger half.
• 47:01
  You're the ripper.
• 47:02
  My baby.
• 47:02
  Shut up, Mrs. Jenkins.
• 47:07
  Ugh.
• 47:08
  I don't even...
• 47:09
  Fine, you can have it.
• 47:10
  I don't even want this anymore.
• 47:11
  I don't either.
• 47:12
  I don't want it.
• 47:13
  Shake on it.
• 47:15
  Uh.
• 47:15
  We'll both drop out.
• 47:17
  Mm.
• 47:18
  Mm.
• 47:19
  Eh.
• 47:19
  Eh.
• 47:20
  Eh.
• 47:21
  Eh.
• 47:22
  Eh.
• 47:23
  Well?
• 47:24
  I have my fingers crossed behind my back.
• 47:25
  My toes are crossed, bitch.
• 47:27
  Oh.
• 47:30
  Voters.
• 47:31
  See you this November.
• 47:32
  don't vote for someone who could
• 47:35
  creepily cross his toes and his shoes.
• 47:38
  That's a man that has
• 47:39
  shoes that are too big.
• 47:41
  I've got toleosis.
• 47:48
  I don't know who I'd vote for
• 47:50
  between the two of them.
• 47:51
  That's tough.
• 47:51
  I wouldn't want to see the baby.
• 47:53
  Yeah, see how firmly they ripped it in half.
• 47:57
  Oh, right.
• 47:58
  It became a purple state that day.
• 48:01
  Yeah.
• 48:01
  Yeah. The first city with two mayors.
• 48:05
  Well, that wraps up Allergic to Chocolate.
• 48:09
  Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!
• 48:17
  It's time now for our last segment.
• 48:20
  No!
• 48:20
  It's okay, Frances.
• 48:24
  Everything's gotta end.
• 48:26
  Oh.
• 48:29
  And everything's gotta begin.
• 48:31
  Oh.
• 48:33
  It's time to begin the big question.
• 48:36
  The question is very big.
• 48:40
  Okay.
• 48:41
  Good.
• 48:43
  I didn't even have to ask you.
• 48:45
  No, no.
• 48:45
  I came prepared.
• 48:46
  Good.
• 48:49
  And here's my preparation.
• 48:52
  So if you needed to ask a question on a podcast that people listen to,
• 48:58
  And it can't have been a repeat of something you've asked before.
• 49:03
  Great.
• 49:04
  No, I have one.
• 49:05
  I was choosing between two.
• 49:06
  That's why I was hesitant.
• 49:07
  Oh, nice.
• 49:08
  Everything's totes fine.
• 49:10
  So you can save the other one for next time.
• 49:13
  Yeah.
• 49:14
  Jenna, don't expect that much memory from us, but.
• 49:18
  Yeah.
• 49:18
  If it happens, it happens.
• 49:20
  Okay.
• 49:20
  So you know how there's like really sad foods like foie gras, veal, ortolan?
• 49:27
  What's ortolan?
• 49:28
  You haven't seen that episode of American Dad yet?
• 49:31
  It's when they drown a bird in an Ortolan
• 49:36
  in a certain kind of, I don't even know, drink or something.
• 49:41
  And then they bring it back to life,
• 49:45
  and then they drown it in a different one,
• 49:47
  and then they cook it and they eat it under a curtain.
• 49:52
  Oh.
• 49:53
  Well that a bad example because that sounds amazing Joe I think I Did Roger does this Of course Yes Yeah But it is based on a real thing
• 50:06
  It's not like as involved
• 50:08
  I don't think
• 50:09
  As what they do on the show
• 50:09
  But I looked it up
• 50:11
  And I was like
• 50:11
  Wow people really do this
• 50:12
  Okay
• 50:13
  Anyway
• 50:14
  Now it's your turn
• 50:16
  To come up with a sad food
• 50:17
  What's the background?
• 50:21
  Who does it?
• 50:23
  And
• 50:23
  Where is it allowed?
• 50:25
  Well, first we rip a baby in half.
• 50:29
  It's been done, mayorally.
• 50:36
  Next.
• 50:38
  Next baby.
• 50:42
  I feel like it's...
• 50:44
  Well, see, those are all sad because of your, like...
• 50:48
  What happens to the animal.
• 50:49
  Yeah.
• 50:50
  Yeah, that's what I want from you.
• 50:51
  I thought you meant, like, sad.
• 50:52
  Like, it's not...
• 50:53
  It's disappointing to eat.
• 50:55
  No, I mean...
• 50:56
  Like ratatouille.
• 50:57
  No, I'm talking like...
• 50:59
  Not the movie ratatouille, the actual food ratatouille.
• 51:02
  The actual food ratatouille is not as good as it should be, listeners.
• 51:06
  Take it from me.
• 51:07
  I'm sorry.
• 51:07
  I wanted the dream to be alive, but it's not.
• 51:09
  I know, it's like cartoon beer.
• 51:12
  Cartoon beer looks amazing.
• 51:13
  Actual beer, not that great.
• 51:15
  Well, to be fair, I like cartoon beer because it looks like cream soda.
• 51:17
  I know.
• 51:17
  Which I like that.
• 51:18
  I know.
• 51:20
  Cream soda's good.
• 51:21
  Yeah.
• 51:23
  Okay.
• 51:24
  I reckon you didn't hit the back to the pod button.
• 51:28
  Because it was about me.
• 51:30
  Yeah.
• 51:31
  He's got standards.
• 51:34
  All right.
• 51:35
  So it's going to have to involve people.
• 51:45
  Like, it's going to have to involve eating people.
• 51:48
  I'd love to hear it.
• 51:52
  Okay.
• 51:53
  Tell me, Jenna.
• 51:54
  I've got my hands on my chin and my feet are kicking.
• 51:59
  So, this dish.
• 52:03
  This dish.
• 52:04
  This dish.
• 52:05
  This dish.
• 52:06
  These dishes.
• 52:08
  Is.
• 52:12
  It's eaten on Christmas Day.
• 52:18
  Oh.
• 52:19
  So Christmas, it's a holiday food.
• 52:24
  And it's enjoyed, let's say by the British, since we were annoyed at them earlier.
• 52:35
  Yeah.
• 52:39
  It's a delicacy.
• 52:41
  So not everyone can have it.
• 52:46
  Mostly the royal family eats it.
• 52:48
  The British royal?
• 52:49
  Yeah.
• 52:50
  Royal.
• 52:51
  Yes, the British royal family.
• 52:52
  I said roll.
• 52:54
  Okay. Okay. Paranoid bastard. All right. The British royal family mostly eats it. It is a stew, which I know doesn't sound like it's a royalty thing.
• 53:13
  But it's made from every year at the beginning of the year, a child is selected.
• 53:30
  A child is selected to...
• 53:33
  Two from each district, a male and a female.
• 53:35
  Now, the child is selected to have his parents die in some kind of horrible accident.
• 53:46
  This child does not know that he has been selected.
• 53:51
  The child just thinks the god has forsaken him.
• 53:56
  But really, the royal family has chosen this child for what they believe to be an honor.
• 54:05
  the child's parents die in some kind of horrific accident.
• 54:12
  Every year it's something different.
• 54:13
  Now this child is an orphan.
• 54:17
  And they take the parents
• 54:22
  and braise them
• 54:28
  and put them in the stew.
• 54:31
  Now, if this weren't sad enough
• 54:36
  It's not sad at all yet
• 54:39
  Well, it's ramping up
• 54:42
  Okay
• 54:42
  They
• 54:45
  Then, under the guise of
• 54:52
  Under the guise of being generous
• 55:01
  And, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Largesse.
• 55:05
  Um, to the people, to the commoners, they think they select a child every year to come have Christmas dinner with them.
• 55:18
  Oh, I like this.
• 55:20
  Little does the child know, this is not a random choosing, no.
• 55:25
  So the child that was chosen at the beginning of the year is going to be their dinner guest at the end of the year.
• 55:34
  This child thinks, maybe God does love me.
• 55:38
  I get to go to Buckingham Palace and have dinner with royalty.
• 55:43
  And he sits down and he's eating.
• 55:47
  It's Christmas Day, after all.
• 55:48
  things are looking up for this
• 55:54
  poor young orphan
• 55:56
  it's the beginning of a new fate for him
• 56:00
  and he takes his first bite
• 56:04
  something warm and soothing in this stew
• 56:08
  unbeknownst to him
• 56:11
  it is his parents
• 56:14
  and they're delicious
• 56:17
  it's so good
• 56:19
  he feels warmth coming into his body
• 56:22
  he doesn't know why
• 56:24
  he just
• 56:24
  he just knows
• 56:27
  Father Christmas
• 56:28
  has come
• 56:30
  in a way
• 56:31
  yeah
• 56:32
  and with each bite he feels renewed
• 56:36
  and he feels like
• 56:38
  you know what I'm going to take on this big bad world
• 56:40
  without parents
• 56:41
  and I'm going to be okay
• 56:42
  and then the next day
• 56:45
  boxing day
• 56:46
  he gets a letter from the royal family
• 56:51
  thanking him for joining them
• 56:54
  this meal
• 56:55
  and
• 56:57
  they say
• 57:00
  P.S.
• 57:02
  that was your dead parents
• 57:03
  you ate your own parents
• 57:05
  in a couple days you're gonna shit your parents
• 57:08
  yep
• 57:10
  I have a question
• 57:11
  yes
• 57:12
  oh two questions
• 57:13
  one I need to know what this dish or process is called
• 57:16
  I'm sure they have a name for it.
• 57:18
  And two, wouldn't that mean the jig is up?
• 57:21
  If they're gonna tell him,
• 57:23
  how are they gonna do this again to some other orphan?
• 57:26
  The jig is not up because the child is so traumatized.
• 57:33
  And then they say and if you tell anyone we will have you jailed for cannibalism So he be telling on himself basically
• 57:48
  And they're the rulers, so they can do what they want.
• 57:51
  Yeah, they can do what they want.
• 57:52
  And, um, the dish itself is called, um, what is it called?
• 58:17
  It's called beef.
• 58:22
  D'Annie.
• 58:25
  Did you say D'Annie?
• 58:27
  D'Annie.
• 58:29
  D'Annie.
• 58:30
  Which sounds like just a regular nondescript name.
• 58:34
  For them, it's fun and winky because of orphans.
• 58:36
  Little orphan Annie.
• 58:38
  Yeah, no, you got to have a nice low-key.
• 58:41
  Yeah.
• 58:41
  Yeah.
• 58:42
  You can't have it be...
• 58:43
  Right.
• 58:44
  It can't just be called your dead parents.
• 58:46
  Right, parental soup.
• 58:47
  Yeah.
• 58:48
  Yeah.
• 58:49
  Okay.
• 58:50
  That's great.
• 58:51
  Thanks.
• 58:51
  What about you? Do you have an answer?
• 58:53
  No
• 58:54
  Okay
• 58:55
  But I loved yours
• 58:56
  Thanks
• 58:57
  Well, the British are messed up
• 59:01
  Can't believe they would do that
• 59:02
  I know
• 59:03
  So
• 59:05
  Well, you're not actually gonna eat that much parents
• 59:08
  How much parents are you expecting to get back anyway?
• 59:14
  Unbelievable
• 59:15
  Bitch
• 59:16
  Well, I guess then that wraps up
• 59:20
  The big question
• 59:21
  The Big Question.
• 59:23
  Final bit of business time.
• 59:26
  Okay.
• 59:27
  Secret words.
• 59:28
  Exciting.
• 59:30
  You were writing like crazy.
• 59:33
  That doesn't mean anything.
• 59:35
  All right.
• 59:36
  I'm going to go first, if that's okay with you.
• 59:40
  Sure, you're right.
• 59:41
  I don't think I have it.
• 59:43
  Okay.
• 59:45
  Let me be the judge of that.
• 59:47
  I'm going to guess a decoy word first.
• 59:52
  Oh.
• 59:54
  She's really scared of...
• 59:55
  I know.
• 59:57
  I have...
• 59:58
  Okay.
• 1:00:00
  Can't do it.
• 1:00:01
  It can't happen again.
• 1:00:02
  Is your decoy word...
• 1:00:04
  Scoliosis?
• 1:00:05
  No.
• 1:00:06
  Oh, okay.
• 1:00:07
  Is your decoy word toleosis?
• 1:00:10
  Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
• 1:00:12
  Okay.
• 1:00:13
  Okay.
• 1:00:15
  That was a weird echo on my thing.
• 1:00:16
  I just heard.
• 1:00:28
  No.
• 1:00:29
  Okay.
• 1:00:29
  I have another word
• 1:00:30
  I want to guess.
• 1:00:31
  But you're going to be like,
• 1:00:32
  that was my decoy word.
• 1:00:33
  I'm sure of it.
• 1:00:35
  Kate.
• 1:00:36
  Is your word...
• 1:00:37
  This is funny to me
• 1:00:38
  because of...
• 1:00:39
  I'm so...
• 1:00:39
  Yeah.
• 1:00:40
  I've been hurt before,
• 1:00:42
  for instance.
• 1:00:42
  I don't want to hurt you.
• 1:00:43
  Okay.
• 1:00:44
  Is your word caveman?
• 1:00:46
  No.
• 1:00:46
  Oh, okay.
• 1:00:47
  It's not your decoy word.
• 1:00:49
  No.
• 1:00:49
  All right.
• 1:00:51
  Caveman rock drum.
• 1:00:53
  Veal?
• 1:00:55
  No.
• 1:00:55
  Foie gras?
• 1:00:56
  No.
• 1:00:59
  Flatware?
• 1:01:00
  No.
• 1:01:01
  Backpack?
• 1:01:02
  No.
• 1:01:04
  Toddler?
• 1:01:05
  No.
• 1:01:08
  Intrigued or intriguing?
• 1:01:09
  No.
• 1:01:14
  Medical?
• 1:01:15
  No.
• 1:01:16
  Gown?
• 1:01:17
  No.
• 1:01:19
  Mobility?
• 1:01:20
  No.
• 1:01:20
  That's all I got.
• 1:01:22
  That's it?
• 1:01:22
  That's it.
• 1:01:23
  You done?
• 1:01:23
  I'm done.
• 1:01:25
  My word was measly.
• 1:01:28
  Oh.
• 1:01:29
  Wait, when did you say that?
• 1:01:31
  When Joe gave an idea and I said it wasn't some measly towel machine.
• 1:01:38
  Sorry, please forgive me.
• 1:01:39
  I needed to get my word in.
• 1:01:42
  And my decoy word was alphabetized.
• 1:01:45
  Oh, which I said.
• 1:01:48
  No, you did not.
• 1:01:49
  You said alphabetize.
• 1:01:52
  Or some close.
• 1:01:54
  Oh, okay.
• 1:01:55
  All right.
• 1:01:56
  Okay.
• 1:01:58
  My turn.
• 1:01:59
  Okay.
• 1:02:00
  Fireman.
• 1:02:01
  No.
• 1:02:01
  Fireman.
• 1:02:02
  No.
• 1:02:04
  Stylish.
• 1:02:05
  Nope.
• 1:02:07
  Spanish.
• 1:02:08
  No.
• 1:02:10
  Psychology.
• 1:02:11
  Mm-mm.
• 1:02:12
  Psychologist.
• 1:02:13
  Mm-mm.
• 1:02:15
  Disease.
• 1:02:16
  Uh-uh.
• 1:02:18
  Holiday.
• 1:02:20
  No.
• 1:02:23
  Royal.
• 1:02:24
  No.
• 1:02:25
  Royalty.
• 1:02:26
  No.
• 1:02:26
  Bastard.
• 1:02:27
  Nope.
• 1:02:29
  Braise.
• 1:02:30
  No.
• 1:02:32
  Stew.
• 1:02:32
  Uh-uh.
• 1:02:34
  Guys.
• 1:02:35
  Uh-uh.
• 1:02:37
  Cannibalism.
• 1:02:38
  Nope.
• 1:02:45
  Footprint?
• 1:02:46
  Nope.
• 1:02:47
  Holiday, did I say?
• 1:02:48
  Yeah, you said that.
• 1:02:49
  I didn't cross it out.
• 1:02:50
  Okay, I've got one more guess.
• 1:02:55
  And that guess is the word you wanted me to hear.
• 1:03:00
  So I have to decide, was that you trying to make your word sound like a decoy word?
• 1:03:08
  Or was it you trying to make your decoy word sound like a word that I would think was your decoy word?
• 1:03:16
  Or maybe it was your word.
• 1:03:17
  We're in each other's heads.
• 1:03:20
  Yeah, we are.
• 1:03:25
  Is your word largesse?
• 1:03:28
  I was wondering if that's where you were going with that.
• 1:03:30
  No.
• 1:03:31
  That wasn't anything?
• 1:03:32
  Nope.
• 1:03:33
  That was nothing?
• 1:03:34
  That was nothing.
• 1:03:35
  You really teed that up.
• 1:03:36
  I knew you would think that that was something
• 1:03:39
  because of how I said it.
• 1:03:40
  I was just actually struggling to find the right word.
• 1:03:43
  No, my decoy word was insinuations.
• 1:03:47
  Wait.
• 1:03:50
  Did you write it down?
• 1:03:51
  Yes.
• 1:03:51
  And you didn't say it?
• 1:03:52
  I crossed out.
• 1:03:53
  When I went, it's between, it's right above holiday.
• 1:03:57
  You said holiday twice?
• 1:03:59
  Yeah.
• 1:04:00
  So you did cross it out.
• 1:04:01
  Yeah, I wrote, okay.
• 1:04:02
  Okay, so go on.
• 1:04:03
  That was my decoy word,
• 1:04:04
  but you would have guessed it as my real word.
• 1:04:05
  I likely would have, yeah.
• 1:04:07
  So you were saved.
• 1:04:08
  Dang it.
• 1:04:08
  Yeah.
• 1:04:09
  Woo.
• 1:04:10
  And my real word was sprouting.
• 1:04:14
  I just worked so well.
• 1:04:16
  So no one got anything.
• 1:04:18
  Wow.
• 1:04:19
  Boring.
• 1:04:21
  Okay.
• 1:04:21
  I can't believe.
• 1:04:22
  Dang, now I'm annoyed that you didn't say it,
• 1:04:24
  because you would have guessed it as my real word.
• 1:04:25
  I really would have.
• 1:04:27
  Shoot.
• 1:04:27
  That's funny.
• 1:04:28
  Why aren't you better reading your card?
• 1:04:31
  I don't know.
• 1:04:32
  Did you write singular insinuation or multiple?
• 1:04:36
  I wrote insinuations
• 1:04:37
  Dang
• 1:04:38
  Wow
• 1:04:41
  I'm annoyed
• 1:04:42
  I'm annoyed
• 1:04:43
  You had a chance to guess my decoy word as a real word
• 1:04:46
  And I don't even get that justice
• 1:04:48
  I don't even get that
• 1:04:48
  Sorry
• 1:04:50
  I don't know what happened
• 1:04:52
  Finding new ways to annoy me every week
• 1:04:54
  Alright well I guess we'll try again next week
• 1:04:58
  But it's Christmas day after all
• 1:05:00
  All right.
• 1:05:03
  Let's go eat our parents.
• 1:05:06
  Bye.