Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / The Best of Episodes of 51-60

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The Best of Episodes of 51-60 · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:01
  Matt: Hey, everybody, listen, you've already seen the title, right.
• 0:05
  Matt: Yeah, it's true, best of 51 through 60 on tap.
• 0:10
  Matt: I know it's been a while since we uncorked a best of episode, but the situation was as follows Eric was sick, then I was sick and then time continued to move, so we didn't have time to record number 101 just yet.
• 0:24
  Matt: We will get that to you in two weeks time.
• 0:27
  Matt: If you do want a brand spanking new episode of you Didn't Ask For this, may I suggest going to patreoncom slash you didn't ask for this and becoming a member of our new Patreon, where you will find our very first bonus episode of Oops, all Tangents now available to you, the Patreon subscriber.
• 0:50
  Matt: That's out there if you're looking for new content, but if you want to relive the magic of 50 episodes ago, then stay tuned, because here come the best bits from episodes 51 through 60.
• 1:05
  Matt: I'm in your office.
• 1:25
  Ian the Holy Mole: Or not?
• 1:26
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, which stress toy are you taking off of my desk, by the way?
• 1:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: I have plenty.
• 1:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: Which one do you see what calls to you?
• 1:35
  Matt: I see a squeeze ball Okay, okay, and it's shaped like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.
• 1:44
  Matt: Hell yeah, go on, go on, go on.
• 1:45
  Matt: You can take them.
• 1:46
  Matt: I'm squeezing them.
• 1:47
  Matt: I'm watching his eyes bulge as I squeeze them.
• 1:49
  Ian the Holy Mole: You know, I got that out of a bowl of Fruit Loops back in 1980s.
• 1:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: Absolutely fascinating.
• 1:56
  Ian the Holy Mole: When the Ghostbusters movie came out, their special promotion.
• 1:58
  Ian the Holy Mole: you get this out of a box of Fruit Loops, and I got it, so now it's not?
• 2:01
  Matt: are you suggesting that you're, that you're, you're older than you are?
• 2:05
  Matt: Why?
• 2:05
  Matt: Why, in this situation, are you lying about?
• 2:08
  Matt: Your man don't step into my office like further.
• 2:11
  Matt: I'm already in your.
• 2:12
  Ian the Holy Mole: You have an inner office I yes, I like I open up like a trap door in the floor.
• 2:17
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm like matthew, follow me.
• 2:18
  Matt: You've passed the first come down into the other.
• 2:21
  Matt: Is this where you keep the spoons?
• 2:23
  Ian the Holy Mole: and as we're climbing into this little trap door, that's I'm like.
• 2:25
  Ian the Holy Mole: So, so what?
• 2:26
  Ian the Holy Mole: So?
• 2:26
  Ian the Holy Mole: What's the best, worst way to spend spoons, do you think?
• 2:29
  Matt: okay, so now just to review in this hypothetical situation, I've lit a torch, I have a torch, we're in a tunnel underneath your office, as if we're going underneath king's landing oh yeah, there's like lichen and shit hanging from the walls.
• 2:44
  Ian the Holy Mole: There's a draft, so where we conspire in the catacombs every every couple of minutes.
• 2:53
  Ian the Holy Mole: I, I stop you and like we, stop and listen.
• 2:55
  Eric: I'm like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
• 2:58
  Ian the Holy Mole: Okay, keep going so matt matt off the top of your head.
• 3:02
  Ian the Holy Mole: What the fuck do turtle doves eat?
• 3:03
  Ian the Holy Mole: Just guess.
• 3:05
  Matt: Seed.
• 3:06
  Matt: Okay, Now what kind of seed?
• 3:08
  Matt: I don't know.
• 3:09
  Matt: I don't know.
• 3:14
  Ian the Holy Mole: What do turtle doves eat?
• 3:15
  Ian the Holy Mole: Compared to other songbirds, their diet is a bit bland.
• 3:18
  Ian the Holy Mole: They eat seeds.
• 3:20
  Ian the Holy Mole: They eat canola, millet, safflower.
• 3:25
  Matt: You got to feed these fuckers.
• 3:26
  Matt: Cannoli, canola, cannolis.
• 3:29
  Matt: Oh man, hey, I'm a turtle.
• 3:32
  Matt: Dove Bring me the cannoli?
• 3:33
  Matt: Over here Marco.
• 3:36
  Eric: Oh, you're a couple of birds in love.
• 3:40
  Matt: You come to me on the second day of Christmas asking, asking me for a favor to adopt this family.
• 3:47
  Matt: Leave the poop.
• 3:49
  Eric: Take the cannoli.
• 3:51
  Matt: Actually leave me the cannoli.
• 3:53
  Matt: It is my chief form of nourishment.
• 3:55
  Matt: Oh yeah, hoot, Hoot, hoot and furthermore, I forgot, I'm a little songbird for you.
• 4:01
  Matt: Huh, Don't mind me.
• 4:03
  Matt: Tweedledee, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, eh.
• 4:05
  Matt: Make that little extra step for each other.
• 4:07
  Ian the Holy Mole: Because if you do that, you're both going to feel so supported.
• 4:11
  Ian the Holy Mole: You're both going to be the wind beneath each other's wings.
• 4:14
  Matt: Yeah and listen.
• 4:15
  Matt: If all else fails, you can always make up for it with sexual favors.
• 4:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah okay, there we go.
• 4:22
  Ian the Holy Mole: You can always make up for it with sexual favors.
• 4:23
  Ian the Holy Mole: Okay, there we go.
• 4:23
  Ian the Holy Mole: You can always make up for it there it is, there's always a way.
• 4:27
  Matt: There's always a way, updog, you can send.
• 4:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: Amy feet pics.
• 4:31
  Ian the Holy Mole: I think that's what they're into.
• 4:37
  Ian the Holy Mole: Can I get a check?
• 4:39
  Ian the Holy Mole: Can I get a check?
• 4:40
  Matt: on that.
• 4:40
  Matt: I was trying to do a nice exit on a joke oh, some boudoir feet pics.
• 4:46
  Matt: And here you come with boudoir feet pics.
• 4:48
  Matt: I was trying to do a nice exit on a joke Awesome Boudoir feet pics.
• 4:50
  Matt: And here you come with boudoir feet pics.
• 4:51
  Matt: Oh, man, man here with your wiki feet nonsense, yep.
• 4:56
  Matt: So that is your answer.
• 5:01
  Ian the Holy Mole: Enough talk PM.
• 5:03
  Ian the Holy Mole: That's the solution.
• 5:04
  Ian the Holy Mole: Boudoir feet pics.
• 5:05
  Ian the Holy Mole: Thank you for the question.
• 5:09
  Eric: I'm watching that freak.
• 5:12
  Matt: I hope we have.
• 5:13
  Matt: I hope we provided some guidance.
• 5:16
  Matt: Oh yeah, skip it.
• 5:18
  Matt: Just Okay, all right.
• 5:19
  Matt: So I think we've done a great job redefining, doing the dishes, putting the woesie and them toesies.
• 5:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: Now that we're, we're in the tunnel, right torch held aloft.
• 5:33
  Ian the Holy Mole: Where could we possibly be?
• 5:34
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, what's this secret passage, baby?
• 5:38
  Ian the Holy Mole: Secret passage leads right back into my office one good so yeah, so good.
• 5:44
  Ian the Holy Mole: So here we are.
• 5:45
  Ian the Holy Mole: I put, I put the torch in a sconce that wasn't in the office when you first came in.
• 5:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: Absolutely, I'm trying to think of a good hell pun here.
• 5:51
  Ian the Holy Mole: Prelude, prelude, prelude prelude flam going.
• 5:57
  Eric: It is I beelzebub it is I Beelzebitt?
• 6:02
  Matt: It is I Beelzebitt.
• 6:03
  Matt: I studied at the Second City.
• 6:07
  Ian the Holy Mole: Anytime you talk to him, he's like the ruler of this particular ring and, like anytime you talk to him, you can't help but also speak in like a heightened voice.
• 6:15
  Eric: You're like I don't want to be here.
• 6:17
  Eric: I see you commit to the bit.
• 6:20
  Matt: Well, yeah, that's how that's his normal voice, that's how he normally speaks to the line, very similar to the Watcher's voice.
• 6:27
  Matt: Oh, yeah, now realizing.
• 6:29
  Matt: But then when you go up to him he switches immediately to be like, well, howdy partner, what brings you on over here?
• 6:37
  Matt: Yeah, and then if you're like, uh, beelzebitt, I'm just trying to no, I'm sorry that ain't my name, my name bit, I'm just trying to.
• 6:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: No, I'm sorry that ain't my name, my name's old old two barrel magoo, two barrel magoo, stop it, you're making hell nice again.
• 6:55
  Matt: Oh, yeah, you know.
• 6:55
  Matt: And then somebody else comes up to him and he has to be like wow, I'll tell you what this you're like the prize at the bottom of a crock jack, you know?
• 7:02
  Matt: Yep, he's just constantly.
• 7:04
  Ian the Holy Mole: He's just constantly jumping bits and oh yeah, you can never keep up with his bit.
• 7:10
  Matt: That's the problem, you're always one step behind his keep up with bl's a bit no bl.
• 7:15
  Ian the Holy Mole: That is the key to bl's.
• 7:16
  Ian the Holy Mole: A bit every single time you're like oh, I finally figured it out, I get what his bit is now and you try to like match him.
• 7:23
  Ian the Holy Mole: He's already on to a new bit.
• 7:25
  Matt: And you know, after you cross the river you're getting into limbo.
• 7:28
  Matt: You have a hookup with Dante and Virgil, and Virgil's bringing you through the thing and you're like hey, what's up with Beelzebitt?
• 7:36
  Matt: And that's when Virgil's like oh yeah, he's not an employee of hell, actually, he's the first guy in line.
• 7:45
  Matt: He just refuses to leave the line.
• 7:47
  Matt: You sort of adopted the line.
• 7:49
  Matt: He's like the PTA president.
• 7:51
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, good circle, good circle.
• 7:53
  Ian the Holy Mole: I understand the metaphor, matt, come take a look at my bookshelf here, stop taking me places.
• 7:59
  Ian the Holy Mole: I pull the book out and the bookshelf starts rotating around.
• 8:02
  Ian the Holy Mole: Follow me here.
• 8:03
  Eric: Yes, where are we now?
• 8:06
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh it's the sex room we're back here this is where we hide all your spoons you shouldn't have this in your office place.
• 8:14
  Matt: Individual in the beloved celebrity's death a beloved, a beloved celebrity's death will take place in 2023.
• 8:20
  Matt: That's just how life works.
• 8:22
  Matt: That that's that could be the free space.
• 8:25
  Matt: But, eric, it does feel like a little bit of a cop-out to stop there and say a beloved celebrity's death without naming the beloved celebrity oh my, do you have one in mind?
• 8:41
  Matt: I don't, but I'm just thinking.
• 8:44
  Matt: I was just thinking oh, write down a celebrity's death.
• 8:47
  Matt: That's a cop-out, matt.
• 8:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm going to call it.
• 8:49
  Ian the Holy Mole: We've got to be specific with it.
• 8:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm going to fucking call it.
• 8:51
  Matt: Before you do, eric.
• 8:52
  Matt: What if this person dies Did?
• 8:54
  Matt: We cause it?
• 8:56
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yes, this is where my brain is gone.
• 8:57
  Ian the Holy Mole: No, we did do it All.
• 9:09
  Ian the Holy Mole: Right, eric, who's gonna die?
• 9:10
  Ian the Holy Mole: Morgan freeman?
• 9:11
  Matt: whoa, yeah, I'm.
• 9:11
  Matt: Oh, he's pointing to the stands.
• 9:12
  Matt: He's pointing at morgan freeman.
• 9:13
  Ian the Holy Mole: Okay, morgan freeman will, and let me be clear I fucking love morgan freeman.
• 9:16
  Ian the Holy Mole: Morgan freeman's gift.
• 9:17
  Ian the Holy Mole: He's a joy.
• 9:18
  Ian the Holy Mole: I wish him nothing but longevity and life, but I think 2023 coming for morgan?
• 9:25
  Matt: okay, all right.
• 9:26
  Matt: Well, here's what I think is fair if we're gonna, if we're gonna, but longevity and life, but I think 2023 coming from Morgan Okay, all right.
• 9:30
  Matt: Well, here's what I think is fair.
• 9:30
  Matt: If we're going to give potentially more than 25 options and allow ourselves to arrange our own bingo card, yeah, is that what we're discussing?
• 9:36
  Matt: Yes, if that's the case, then I think it's only fair that you have to include Morgan.
• 9:41
  Matt: Freeman will die.
• 9:42
  Eric: And who's yours?
• 9:44
  Matt: I have to have one as well.
• 9:45
  Matt: Well, I am.
• 9:46
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, that's brilliant.
• 9:47
  Matt: You're so brilliant, we should do a podcast together.
• 9:49
  Matt: We should.
• 9:51
  Matt: I'm going to stack the odds a little bit.
• 9:53
  Matt: Not stack the odds, but I want to.
• 9:56
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm just looking at You're Googling ages right now.
• 9:59
  Matt: I just Googled old celebrities.
• 10:00
  Matt: Oh my God, this is offensive.
• 10:03
  Matt: People I'm not gonna say who, but people in their fucking 50s came up for this result and that's, oh, that's offensive maybe 50s the new 20 okay, all right, I have a death.
• 10:15
  Matt: That, I think, is just about guaranteed.
• 10:17
  Matt: Okay, I think I think your guess morgan freeman is like because there are people in ill health, right?
• 10:24
  Matt: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:25
  Matt: So I have a name that I could say who is old and in ill health.
• 10:32
  Matt: Oh no, who is it?
• 10:33
  Matt: But we didn't add any stipulation.
• 10:36
  Matt: Tony Bennett's going to die.
• 10:38
  Eric: Tony Bennett.
• 10:40
  Matt: Tony Bennett's dead.
• 10:42
  Ian the Holy Mole: He's not dead yet.
• 10:44
  Matt: His last number.
• 10:44
  Matt: I want to point out right now for the audience.
• 10:48
  Matt: I want everybody to know up top.
• 10:51
  Matt: Let's be completely transparent In the interest of fairness.
• 10:55
  Matt: It is at this exact moment my voice is talking.
• 10:59
  Matt: 2.29 pm on January 14th is when we're recording this episode and if any of these deaths happen before Thursday when this episode is released, we'd still get the points.
• 11:16
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, we'd still get the points.
• 11:17
  Ian the Holy Mole: We'd still like tragic Right, like abject tragedy.
• 11:21
  Matt: For this or any other event on the bigger side Nation in mourning, yes, but we still get the points this fun.
• 11:28
  Matt: This is already fun and we should do this every year.
• 11:31
  Ian the Holy Mole: We should do this every year this should be our new, our new year's tradition, our first show.
• 11:34
  Ian the Holy Mole: This should be our first show of the year.
• 11:38
  Matt: I think it's great.
• 11:38
  Matt: Uh, we haven't even finished.
• 11:40
  Matt: We've gotten three in.
• 11:41
  Ian the Holy Mole: We've, only we've only gotten three things deep.
• 11:43
  Ian the Holy Mole: Two-thirds of our content so far celebrity deaths, and we're overjoyed.
• 11:47
  Matt: Let's get all the story, but I'll tell it anyway.
• 11:50
  Matt: So it's, it's very high school, it's very dumb.
• 11:52
  Matt: So I, the girl I was dating at the time, was on this big trip across the pond and that gave me some time to reflect on the relationship.
• 12:08
  Matt: And when she stop it, I didn't even fucking say it.
• 12:14
  Matt: So before she left I was already starting to feel like something's not quite right.
• 12:22
  Matt: The spark's kind of gone.
• 12:24
  Matt: You know, I I feel a little guilty about some of the stuff we're doing now, because I'm like, I don't think I feel the way I felt before high school, you know.
• 12:31
  Matt: And so I made the decision to uh break things off and I thought, I thought the the stand-up thing to do oh, you had, you had a thought was to, you know, not continue a facade and be a dick of like taking advantage of somebody's feelings when I don't feel that way.
• 12:56
  Matt: So she came home and I broke up with her, you know, right away there.
• 13:01
  Matt: And then it turns out when I've told this in the past or, you know, since, maybe I could have stuck it out a day or two uh, just a quick, mother, I didn't need to like, welcome her home with heartbreak, uh, and that apparently the narrative she was spreading was that I did this dickish thing and I thought I was this is a crime.
• 13:30
  Matt: How is this a crime?
• 13:31
  Matt: Uh, so I thought I was being a gentleman, I thought I was being chivalrous, and it turns out this is how you get the nickname the band-aid you just pull it off.
• 13:43
  Matt: You just rip it off I just I ripped it off there and then, you know, after seeing the red spot on the skin, said, oh, perhaps I could have eased into it like I'm imagining she's showing you her souvenirs.
• 13:59
  Ian the Holy Mole: Like you have the little model of big I didn't even let it get that she's, she's got a t-shirt that says keep calm and carry on, and that's when you go.
• 14:06
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, while we're on that subject, I'm glad you feel that way.
• 14:10
  Ian the Holy Mole: How stiff, would you say, your upper lip is at present?
• 14:15
  Ian the Holy Mole: She hands him a little model of a red double-decker bus.
• 14:18
  Matt: I don't know.
• 14:19
  Matt: I don't know what souvenirs she got for me, because I never let it get that far.
• 14:24
  Matt: It was like, hey, nice to see you, we need to talk I'm imagining you.
• 14:29
  Ian the Holy Mole: You were at the airport.
• 14:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: No, I was at her house.
• 14:32
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, oh, that was holding well that.
• 14:34
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, not holding up the sign saying you're dumped at the airport that does that does remind me of of my my friend tim, one of my best friends from high school and, again, dumb high school kids.
• 14:46
  Ian the Holy Mole: He once broke up with a girl.
• 14:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: He was so nervous about doing it that they were walking along the road.
• 14:53
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm not making this up.
• 14:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: They were walking along the road and they're talking.
• 14:58
  Ian the Holy Mole: And he goes hey, I got a joke for you.
• 14:59
  Ian the Holy Mole: Why did the chicken cross the road?
• 15:01
  Ian the Holy Mole: And she says why.
• 15:02
  Ian the Holy Mole: He runs across the street and says I think, we should break up and then runs home, oh my God.
• 15:08
  Ian the Holy Mole: And then runs home.
• 15:12
  Matt: Genius, but that is the dickest move.
• 15:15
  Matt: Oh yeah, ever heard oh that's next level.
• 15:18
  Ian the Holy Mole: Luckily, they were both already like it was the the the.
• 15:22
  Ian the Holy Mole: Their relationship, their high school romance was already on the rocks.
• 15:25
  Ian the Holy Mole: Like it it was, it was.
• 15:27
  Ian the Holy Mole: It was at that moment where, like one of them was gonna break it off, like they were both like we're, we're we, we don't like this anymore.
• 15:35
  Ian the Holy Mole: So she was just more relieved and found it funny.
• 15:38
  Ian the Holy Mole: But god damn yeah, that story would definitely earn Tim a pint in a UK pub.
• 15:45
  Ian the Holy Mole: Wow, that's like legendary stage.
• 15:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: You'd have like your photo put above the bar.
• 15:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: Free pickled egg Guaranteed lad.
• 15:55
  Matt: It's a great bit.
• 15:56
  Matt: It is undeniably a great bit.
• 15:59
  Matt: I have immense respect for the bit, but still an asshole for doing it.
• 16:06
  Matt: Oh, yes, and I suppose I was as well.
• 16:10
  Matt: And yeah, hey, listen If you're listening.
• 16:14
  Matt: Sorry about that.
• 16:18
  Ian the Holy Mole: Tim, hey Tim, if you're listening, man, you're a fucking legend.
• 16:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: You know that, Like absolutely.
• 16:24
  Matt: That's something that's good to spend spoons on.
• 16:27
  Ian the Holy Mole: I absolutely agree.
• 16:27
  Ian the Holy Mole: How about what's your worst?
• 16:29
  Ian the Holy Mole: Are we sticking with work meetings or is there anything else you can think of All those?
• 16:34
  Matt: conversations I'm having right now.
• 16:36
  Ian the Holy Mole: Wow, matt, step out of my office for a moment.
• 16:41
  Matt: Absolutely All right.
• 16:42
  Matt: Thank God, we're out of here, ready to let you back in.
• 16:46
  Ian the Holy Mole: I've been crying visibly.
• 16:47
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, okay, my eyes are all puffy and red.
• 16:50
  Matt: It was a joke, Eric.
• 16:51
  Ian the Holy Mole: It was one of those comical witticisms I throw out oh yeah, bro, I know, I know, I know I lovingly punch you in the arm and then like step into my office I thought I was already back in the office.
• 17:01
  Matt: Oh, sorry me out briefly at a little cry now, we're, now, we're back in in earnest absolutely okay, eric, let me actually come with me back next door to my office oh, oh, oh yeah, oh, nice fucking office, my guy yeah, thank yeah, you like the shot glasses.
• 17:16
  Matt: Yeah yeah, yeah, it's good, it's good, it's a custom blanket.
• 17:19
  Ian the Holy Mole: What is that 200?
• 17:21
  Matt: Yeah, no, it's over 200.
• 17:24
  Eric: It's way over 200.
• 17:25
  Matt: Oh yeah, sorry I didn't see your face, but right now we're having a conversation, eric would, with you a recent dream I've had oh my gosh, matthew, please and I don't want to lead you astray.
• 17:38
  Matt: When I say a dream I've had, I'm talking about an actual dream.
• 17:43
  Matt: I'm not talking about like a hope or an aspiration life goal, bullshit like no, no, no no, you was dreaming.
• 17:49
  Matt: No, my subconscious is what I'd like to discuss teeth falling out.
• 17:54
  Matt: Yeah, and wait for tests I suppose you could call it a nightmare, but really the nightmare happens when I wake up.
• 18:03
  Matt: Isn't that interesting?
• 18:04
  Matt: Okay yeah all right so here's, here's what happened.
• 18:08
  Matt: Um, I can't remember all the bits and pieces, but here's the important part.
• 18:12
  Matt: There's a bald tall man, okay, okay, picture him there I'd say my mind's eye, I see him like a freakish height, like maybe like six, seven, you know hey man, thank you.
• 18:28
  Ian the Holy Mole: Thank you for val.
• 18:28
  Ian the Holy Mole: Anything but anything below that, totally normal, totally normal and fine.
• 18:32
  Matt: Six seven.
• 18:33
  Ian the Holy Mole: You're a fucking freak.
• 18:35
  Matt: Yeah, like a weird height, like 6'7", something like that, something nobody is.
• 18:38
  Matt: No, yeah, and so this guy, he's a bigger guy, bald guy, imposing man.
• 18:47
  Matt: All right, okay, you got him there.
• 18:48
  Matt: Yeah, and for some reason A grim aspect.
• 18:51
  Matt: Yes, For some reason we are at the top floor of my parents' house.
• 18:57
  Matt: Top floor there's two floors.
• 18:58
  Ian the Holy Mole: I don't know why I made it sound like it was the Empire State Building.
• 19:00
  Ian the Holy Mole: You're technically correct.
• 19:01
  Matt: I'm on the top floor.
• 19:02
  Matt: We're on the stairs, the one flight of stairs.
• 19:08
  Matt: The one flight of stairs goes up and there's a little railing at the top.
• 19:11
  Matt: So we're in that little stretch of hallway right above the stairs, little railing at the top, you know.
• 19:15
  Matt: So we're in that little stretch of hallway right above the stairs.
• 19:16
  Matt: I'm painting this picture so you can see that we are in showdown formation.
• 19:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: Okay, okay.
• 19:22
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yes, yes and so you know you're fighting for your fucking life out here.
• 19:28
  Matt: I don't know what I said, but the man is upset and I say that I said something because of what I will soon say.
• 19:37
  Matt: I'm still with you, go on my child.
• 19:40
  Matt: So the guy is getting really pissed.
• 19:43
  Matt: He wants to fight me, eric.
• 19:46
  Matt: He wants to.
• 19:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: he's getting all revved up and he's got no place to go as Meatloaf would say he's like doing that thing where, where he's flicking his nose with his thumbs, yeah yeah, yeah.
• 19:58
  Matt: And so then, eventually, he gets to the point where he says I challenge you to a duel, okay.
• 20:09
  Matt: And I say this is Dream Matt speaking.
• 20:12
  Matt: This is Dream Matt speaking, in case this seems out of character.
• 20:16
  Matt: Okay, dream Matt says my friend, I won the duel of wits long ago.
• 20:24
  Ian the Holy Mole: My man, my fucking man, absolutely.
• 20:28
  Ian the Holy Mole: I am dead serious.
• 20:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: You hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote, so I hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
• 20:34
  Matt: So I hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
• 20:36
  Matt: And what does he do, Eric?
• 20:38
  Matt: Oh, he blows his fucking top.
• 20:40
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh I bet he was pissed.
• 20:42
  Matt: Whatever nonsense I said before to this guy is immaterial, because now he is pissed, he lunges forward and he's like closing the distance.
• 20:54
  Matt: And Dream Matt is like a little shocked because, as I said, I've already won the battle yeah, so why are you attacking me?
• 20:59
  Matt: I said I won so he comes in and I throw my hands up to to protect myself yes, I sorry, I just wish you could all see what I'm seeing.
• 21:11
  Ian the Holy Mole: It's beautiful, it's it.
• 21:14
  Matt: That is, your hands in front of you.
• 21:15
  Matt: I can put up a screenshot of the hands in front of me and Eric.
• 21:20
  Matt: Yes, as most things happen when you have a dream like that, I scream a little bit in the dream, right, like because he's coming at me.
• 21:32
  Matt: So you know, yeah, and it's usually at this point of dreams that one wakes up, right when something jostling happens.
• 21:39
  Matt: And that's exactly what happened.
• 21:41
  Matt: I woke up, but imagine my surprise, eric, and remember, before I say anything else, I want you to remember I'm the victim here.
• 21:49
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, matt, matt, before you say anything else, Before I say anything else, remember.
• 21:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: I am the victim, I am your advocate, I am your friend and I am here for you.
• 22:01
  Matt: Yes, and there can really only be one side of the story, correct, so just keep that in mind as we go forward.
• 22:05
  Matt: Yeah, imagine my surprise when I regain my consciousness, to find that I have both hands clasped around my wife's head and am screaming in response.
• 22:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: So wait.
• 22:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: So just to be clear, you were holding her head like a melon.
• 22:24
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm the victim here.
• 22:26
  Ian the Holy Mole: No, matt, you are the victim.
• 22:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: Eric, I agree, there is a victim here.
• 22:32
  Ian the Holy Mole: You are my friend, I know Matt.
• 22:34
  Ian the Holy Mole: Sorry In for a victim here.
• 22:35
  Ian the Holy Mole: You were my friend, I know Matt.
• 22:35
  Ian the Holy Mole: Sorry, in for a penny, in for a pound.
• 22:37
  Ian the Holy Mole: I might have suckered you into it, but you're my advocate.
• 22:42
  Ian the Holy Mole: So you woke up trying to crush your wife's head like a grape.
• 22:46
  Matt: I was trying to crush the bald, tall man's head Like a grape yeah yeah.
• 22:51
  Matt: But instead I have my wife's head in my hands.
• 22:55
  Matt: Who is, I guess, scared?
• 22:58
  Ian the Holy Mole: I guess concerned.
• 22:59
  Ian the Holy Mole: I like was she looking directly at you with your head she's facing the other way.
• 23:05
  Ian the Holy Mole: Poor Lindsay just feels these like mitts, like just ear-muffing her noggin.
• 23:14
  Matt: Yes, like just from a ear, muffing her noggin.
• 23:15
  Matt: Yes, so, in all seriousness, in a dead sleep, lindsey is woken by my fucking mitts grabbing hold of her head, shaking it.
• 23:25
  Matt: I forgot to mention that I shook it, and so now this lasts only a couple of seconds, because as soon as I gain consciousness and realize what I'm doing, I transition to I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, what can you?
• 23:42
  Matt: even say I'll tell you what I said, which Lindsay would later.
• 23:48
  Matt: Lindsay has already relayed this story to friends and she put it the way she put it to advocate for her.
• 23:57
  Matt: Since she's not here, I'll say exactly what she said.
• 24:00
  Matt: She said that I had the audacity after I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, bad dream, so sorry.
• 24:09
  Matt: After I got all those out, I said go back to sleep.
• 24:21
  Eric: Oh, Matthew, bless your heart.
• 24:24
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, bless you, she didn't what time in the morning did this occur, I believe this occurred at like 4.30 am.
• 24:35
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh yeah, there's the day gone.
• 24:39
  Matt: Yeah, it's like just early enough before like wake up.
• 24:43
  Matt: Like my alarm goes, I get up at 6.45.
• 24:45
  Matt: And so it's like just enough time that, like you can't get great, great sleep after that no, there's no coming back from that no, no, there's no coming back from that.
• 24:57
  Matt: Well, the thing is, neither lindsey or I really are sleeping too well these these days, anyway, due to the world, yeah, yeah.
• 25:02
  Matt: So I told her to go back to sleep and, believe it or not, she couldn't, she that's so wild to me she wait, come over here behind my desk.
• 25:10
  Matt: Take out the second drawer on the left, just take.
• 25:13
  Matt: Take it out.
• 25:14
  Matt: Oh, I'm looking at you, man.
• 25:16
  Matt: Yeah, it's the elevator, yeah, we're going down.
• 25:18
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh fuck, yeah, Elevator desk.
• 25:20
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, we're dropping down.
• 25:21
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:22
  Matt: So we're dropping down into the mat cave.
• 25:25
  Matt: The mat cave here we are in the mat cave.
• 25:28
  Matt: And I brought you here because and it's like your- face taking up the screen Precisely, so I could easily have found a sound effect, but I prefer to make our own.
• 25:45
  Ian the Holy Mole: Anyone would be fucking blessed to have us as Foley artists.
• 25:49
  Ian the Holy Mole: Matthew.
• 26:03
  Matt: Absolutely they would.
• 26:03
  Matt: Okay.
• 26:03
  Matt: So I brought you down here, eric, to introduce you to Horatio, who is a tailor.
• 26:05
  Matt: He's going to help you out with wardrobe choices, and me as well, because I'm not going to pretend that I'm a well-dressed man, so we're getting fitted for suits while we have this conversation, my favorite job also didn't make much in the way of finances.
• 26:18
  Matt: It was I worked for the Parks and Rec Department at two different pools.
• 26:24
  Matt: I don't know if I've talked about this on the show or not.
• 26:27
  Matt: I don't think you have, because I know it might be hard to picture me as a lifeguard, but I'm now picturing it and I love everything I'm seeing.
• 26:39
  Ian the Holy Mole: I just automatically see the dollop of suntan lotion, just like right on the nose.
• 26:44
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, you see it.
• 26:45
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, yeah, you think I rocked that.
• 26:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: Look, I think you Did you rock that look.
• 26:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: Please tell me, god, I want nothing else from this life.
• 26:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: Tell me you rocked that look.
• 26:56
  Matt: No, I was never a lifeguard.
• 26:57
  Matt: I worked as the office attendant.
• 26:59
  Matt: Now let me tell you why I like this job so much.
• 27:05
  Matt: As the office attendant, my main activity was reading and I read so much.
• 27:14
  Matt: That summer I just had a book open.
• 27:17
  Matt: I read the entirety of the sherlock holmes canon jesus.
• 27:21
  Matt: I read, I read shutter island.
• 27:24
  Matt: That summer I read so many things and I read.
• 27:28
  Matt: Most of the reason shutter island stood out to me is when there's rain, right, the pool has to close.
• 27:34
  Matt: I mean, if there's thunder, the pool has to close.
• 27:38
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, it's automatic, like pool's closed.
• 27:40
  Matt: But if it's raining like a drizzle, the pool can technically be open.
• 27:45
  Eric: Yeah.
• 27:45
  Matt: So there was this like rainy summer afternoon, you know day or whatever, and nobody's coming to the pool because it's like raining, but there was no lightning or thunder.
• 27:58
  Matt: So the Parks and Rec didn't call it like, didn't say like, OK, no work.
• 28:03
  Matt: So me and like two lifeguards are just at this pool hanging out and I basically read most of that book in a day Just sitting there by myself.
• 28:16
  Matt: It was great, it was absolutely great.
• 28:20
  Matt: But the other thing I got to do is I got to work the microphone.
• 28:26
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh fuck.
• 28:28
  Eric: Yes, okay, I was waiting.
• 28:29
  Ian the Holy Mole: I was waiting for it.
• 28:31
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yes.
• 28:32
  Matt: The microphone for the pools was in the office, so I would be the person who called the adult swim.
• 28:40
  Matt: I'd be the person who said, when the adult swim was over which was my favorite thing, because inevitably somebody would jump in.
• 28:50
  Matt: You know how children are.
• 28:54
  Matt: They line up on the edge of the pool at the end of the adult swim and I'd say, like attention, overlook swimmers, the adult swim.
• 29:04
  Matt: And then this one kid jumped in.
• 29:07
  Matt: And what do you think I did?
• 29:13
  Ian the Holy Mole: I, I think, I think I know exactly what you did.
• 29:16
  Ian the Holy Mole: This kid jumped in and and you hit him with something along the lines of uh, I did not say it was over yet I literally was like excuse me, pink shorts, there's an adult swim in progress.
• 29:31
  Matt: I'm gonna need you to get out of the pool and and so, like he gets out of the pool, he's like looking back at me, like are you fucking serious?
• 29:38
  Matt: And then he like runs across the side.
• 29:42
  Matt: So of course I went no running.
• 29:43
  Matt: And then, as soon as he got to his position, I gave it a beat and said the Adult Swim is now over, you can get in.
• 29:53
  Matt: They all leapt off the plane.
• 29:57
  Matt: Oh my God, oh yeah, then it's like chaos, please.
• 30:02
  Ian the Holy Mole: Matt, I'll do you one better.
• 30:03
  Ian the Holy Mole: Not only do we recommend fellas, sorry, we're going to have to insist, we're going to have to demand, we're going to have to demand.
• 30:11
  Matt: Is it?
• 30:11
  Ian the Holy Mole: toxic masculinity if we do it to ourselves.
• 30:13
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yes, do it.
• 30:16
  Matt: You, pieces of shit, you piece of shit, do it, get it done.
• 30:19
  Matt: Sorry, that was toxic.
• 30:22
  Ian the Holy Mole: That was toxic.
• 30:23
  Ian the Holy Mole: Eric Eric please, Eric.
• 30:25
  Matt: I know we're leaving a voicemail, but step into my office here real quick.
• 30:28
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 30:28
  Eric: What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up.
• 30:30
  Eric: We got to be better.
• 30:34
  Matt: We got to work on ourselves.
• 30:35
  Ian the Holy Mole: We got to be better.
• 30:36
  Matt: Okay, this is, we're going to have you and I are going to have to do an escape room.
• 30:40
  Matt: Okay, we're going to have to do a motherfucking escape room, eric, actually I know.
• 30:43
  Matt: Yeah, we got to get back to the voicemail.
• 30:47
  Ian the Holy Mole: We can't keep having these asides like this, so let's get back to the Matt sorry oh sorry I got to, if we could just dump into my office real quick just real quick Pits up.
• 30:57
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yeah, I just need a sip of water.
• 31:00
  Matt: That's it.
• 31:01
  Matt: Probably in the office for that.
• 31:03
  Matt: Oh man, I was so purged You're doing great.
• 31:06
  Matt: You're in your office so I can watch you drink water.
• 31:08
  Ian the Holy Mole: Hey, come on, man.
• 31:08
  Ian the Holy Mole: The voicemail is about to end.
• 31:10
  Ian the Holy Mole: We got to Well maybe that brings me to my next question, which is they say that and we mentioned a dog earlier that the dog is man's best friend.
• 31:21
  Ian the Holy Mole: Is that true?
• 31:29
  Eric: I mean like is a dog better than Eric, for example?
• 31:34
  Ian the Holy Mole: I mean.
• 31:34
  Matt: I hate to put your relationship on a balance.
• 31:35
  Matt: Balance.
• 31:35
  Matt: You have put it on the spot, that's okay.
• 31:37
  Matt: I'm willing, eric, are we willing to trudge into these waters?
• 31:41
  Ian the Holy Mole: Yes, yes, I will wade into the swamps of sadness with you.
• 31:44
  Ian the Holy Mole: Maybe you should both answer at the same time.
• 31:46
  Ian the Holy Mole: So I'll count down and I'll go.
• 31:48
  Ian the Holy Mole: Is a dog better than the other of you?
• 31:51
  Ian the Holy Mole: And I will count it and you both will either go, yes or no Is.
• 31:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: Matt better than a dog?
• 31:55
  Ian the Holy Mole: Is Eric better than a dog?
• 31:57
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm going to you know, here we go, yeah, three, two, one.
• 32:06
  Eric: Objectively no fucking way.
• 32:15
  Matt: Now Eric is and I have said this on the show before dog-like.
• 32:16
  Matt: I have cast you.
• 32:17
  Matt: Are we operating under the assumption that there's some sort of deal in which maybe there's psychological torture?
• 32:24
  Matt: They're not allowed to kill us that we won't be killed.
• 32:27
  Matt: We won't be killed.
• 32:27
  Matt: There's some sort of understanding between us and the person.
• 32:30
  Matt: We're not the victim for them.
• 32:33
  Ian the Holy Mole: No, like I get home and-.
• 32:35
  Matt: Then I have a new answer.
• 32:35
  Matt: Okay, what's your?
• 32:36
  Matt: We're not the victim.
• 32:36
  Ian the Holy Mole: For them, no, like I get home and-.
• 32:37
  Ian the Holy Mole: Then I have a new answer.
• 32:37
  Ian the Holy Mole: Okay, what's your answer?
• 32:39
  Matt: Hannibal Lecter.
• 32:40
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, immaculate.
• 32:42
  Matt: The man can cook, he's classy, he has upscale taste.
• 32:48
  Matt: He will also be quiet.
• 32:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: He will also be quiet.
• 32:51
  Ian the Holy Mole: He'll also help you reach some self-actualization.
• 32:54
  Ian the Holy Mole: He is a psychologist.
• 33:00
  Matt: Yeah, you can talk to him.
• 33:02
  Matt: And then you get home from a long day of work and he greets you and says hey, I just finished making some dinner.
• 33:10
  Matt: No thanks, hanny, I'm good.
• 33:12
  Matt: I'm good, I'm golden.
• 33:13
  Ian the Holy Mole: You enjoy it?
• 33:14
  Ian the Holy Mole: Got some Chipotle, we are good to go.
• 33:18
  Matt: You earned it, my friend.
• 33:24
  Ian the Holy Mole: Now, the only annoying bit was like I feel like I couldn't bitch to him about my day because he would always just turn it around on me.
• 33:31
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm like, oh God, my boss has just been riding my ass oh, was he riding your ass, eric?
• 33:39
  Eric: how curious.
• 33:40
  Eric: How long have you been letting other people walk all over you?
• 33:43
  Eric: When you grew up in glenburnie, how many pillow sacks did you sling over your shoulder, hoping for a brighter day?
• 33:50
  Matt: you're still, still slinging that pillow sack to this very day aren't you, eric?
• 33:56
  Eric: No, it's just because, and when you?
• 33:56
  Matt: close your eyes, you would finally admit to yourself that it was you doing the bullying, wasn't it Eric?
• 34:03
  Matt: It wasn't someone else, it was always you.
• 34:07
  Ian the Holy Mole: And then I'm just like nah, I'm just pissed because it could have been an email.
• 34:12
  Matt: No, no.
• 34:12
  Matt: That's what you always default to, isn't it, eric?
• 34:15
  Matt: It could have been an email.
• 34:17
  Matt: It could have been an email, and yet an inbox will not fill the void within you, will it?
• 34:22
  Eric: No, you're sending, eric, you're sending, but it's all in your outbox, isn't it?
• 34:30
  Ian the Holy Mole: God damn it.
• 34:31
  Ian the Holy Mole: That's why you'd have to keep all interactions with Hanny to a minimum, like just to a brie, like man, how you doing.
• 34:39
  Ian the Holy Mole: I'm just gonna be in my room, I'll be in my room, bye, bye and just maybe deal with him like petting the door from the outside for several hours, but that's what they make noise canceling headphones I just thought I'd pop in to see if you wanted a nightcap.
• 35:03
  Eric: And like if I fucked something up, like I forget to do a chore, he was like that wasn't part of our deal, eric, I thought we discussed that I would vacuum every other month.
• 35:16
  Matt: Tell me, what are you really looking to clean?
• 35:19
  Ian the Holy Mole: That is what he would do the whole time and I like hanny, hanny, I gotta, I gotta fucking go.
• 35:22
  Ian the Holy Mole: I thought, oh, eric, love your coat like whatever.
• 35:27
  Matt: Bye and then, yeah, then you do a gift exchange or something and you get him like a gift card or something to like a steakhouse and he's like over analyzing and then you, you open, yeah, you open up his gift and it's just this jacket.
• 35:43
  Matt: And he goes that's genuine leather I'll put it imported yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got.
• 35:56
  Ian the Holy Mole: It's just like my closet is full of leather items and I just have like just a box with a little sign on it that has imported in quotes.
• 36:05
  Matt: Eric, I couldn't help but notice you haven't worn your coat, is it not to your?
• 36:12
  Eric: size.
• 36:13
  Eric: I couldn't help but notice you never bring anyone around, eric.
• 36:18
  Eric: Whatever happened to that one girl.
• 36:20
  Ian the Holy Mole: She was a real dish I'm like, no, like hanny, come on, man like that, that would be the thing like several times.
• 36:28
  Ian the Holy Mole: So, uh, that would be.
• 36:29
  Ian the Holy Mole: The infuriating thing is I would have to get the the landlord involved so many times, but the landlord would always side with hannibal yes picture of of charisma absolutely, but then one day the landlord would just disappear and I stay because we're rent controlled.
• 36:45
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh yes, like that he managed to get in on that?
• 36:49
  Matt: yeah, he's had this apartment since the 70s.
• 36:51
  Matt: Yeah, and you're living with him.
• 36:54
  Eric: now you, you're not playing against the landlord, eric, you're playing me.
• 36:58
  Matt: I went to visit the landlord, but it simply said out to lunch.
• 37:03
  Eric: Fucking God damn it Every time.
• 37:06
  Matt: Who knows when he'll be back, but he elected me as his successor in the meantime, so I will need the check no later than the 5th every day.
• 37:22
  Eric: You're killing me, hanny?
• 37:23
  Eric: Oh, not yet.
• 37:28
  Matt: Oh trust me, you'd know, Eric, Out of men over here and of course I am Matché.
• 37:36
  Ian the Holy Mole: I am Eric Poach.
• 37:37
  Matt: And and listen.
• 37:39
  Ian the Holy Mole: You didn't ask but unless you're pulling me into the office to show me a dank meme that you don't want anyone else to see, can we agree that, like pulling the oh, can you come into my office please?
• 37:50
  Ian the Holy Mole: Is a super annoying and fucking toxic move?
• 37:54
  Matt: it's such.
• 37:55
  Matt: It's like a weird power move.
• 37:57
  Matt: It is the weirdest power move, that is, does not accomplish what they think it does it really doesn't, and it shows you in a pretty like weird light and you should just knock it off but, but, matt, can I?
• 38:09
  Matt: Before we finish eric, can you actually before?
• 38:12
  Ian the Holy Mole: I come in there.
• 38:12
  Ian the Holy Mole: Could you come into my?
• 38:13
  Ian the Holy Mole: Oh, matt, I'm sorry I asked you first just for a second though, eric.
• 38:17
  Matt: I think you knew what I was teeing up.
• 38:17
  Matt: If we could circle back to coming to your office.
• 38:19
  Ian the Holy Mole: I think you heard me teeing up or something.
• 38:22
  Matt: So if you could step into my office, well, agree to disagree.
• 38:24
  Matt: Okay, actually, I think this foyer is part of my office.
• 38:27
  Matt: Oh, oh, thank you.