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Transcript

S5 Ep10: The Reverse Drive 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yo, Jeff, yo, Jeff, I just got jumped B.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I need your help, man.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm down a thousand dollars.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck we gonna do?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff just nonchalantly says, oh, that's easy.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta rob somebody.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is not happening.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host Roy Wood Jr.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know my kids for a birthday party.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: They appreciate the simple thing.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Ice cream.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of liars here.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's no way.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I've got like a cheer for that once.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it was in East New York, Brooklyn.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we make them different over there.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my father's from there, I'm from there.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you become a hustler.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: You smoke, you do work to make money, you know?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Last month, cops knocked on my door, they spoke to me and my wife.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, hey, um, you know about any stolen appliances getting delivered to your house?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently somebody went to see us, bought a ton of refrigerators, stoves, ovens, got it delivered to my backyard, never paid for that shit.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought of my dad.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yo, Pops, you know about any stolen appliances getting delivered to my house last week?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, last week?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to be like him.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be this level of smooth, this cold, you know, tough under pressure like that.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: He had other plans though.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I was 13, I got into this prep school in Queens, St.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Francis Prep, and he was real excited because you know, somebody from the hub is gonna make it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Bella told a UFC, I'm crossing over.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I was concerned, you know.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Kids at prep, they wore khaki pants and polos.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta ride the J train and that shit.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be tough.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I asked my dad, I was like, yo, pops, I'm a little worried about my street cred going to the school.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: People won't think I'm soft now.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Gastor, being tough got nothing to do with what you wear where you go to school.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being responsible, handling your business.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you need, you need a job.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you guys know much about the employment market for 13-year-olds.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not great.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So we had to convince my mom, you know, to get a gig.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we decided, you know, I'd work with my dad.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: My mom wasn't too thrilled with the idea, but this is what we told her, so she could ride along with it.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna be the vendor machine operator.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna go there, fill up the machine with juices, sodas, and I could keep the profits from the machine.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: She was happy.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my job actually was to go to the laundromat and take all the cash and deposit it at the bank.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because it occurred to my dad, yo, this is a cash business.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta take our money every day.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is East New York, Brooklyn.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's dangerous.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Why should I risk my life?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got a perfectly healthy 13-year-old boy.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Put him to use, you know?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to pull us off, we had to do a few things.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: One, we decided that we should pretend that I'm actually not his son.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was just a random vending machine operator.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is cool.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because this meant that I could just talk to him like a regular dude.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's a superpower.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I walked in the first day.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what's going on, Leo?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: How you doing, man?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: What you getting into this weekend?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, me?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I got into some pussy, yo.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: He had to eat that, like, just take it, you know?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I go downstairs to get the sodas, and there would be two envelopes.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was one with the cash I had to deposit and my money for the day.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Laundromat only been open one day, so I'm expecting a couple bucks from me and maybe a thousand dollars of business.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: There was twelve thousand dollars in cash.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't come prepared.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, thankfully, I'd been going to this prep school for a few weeks, and the white kids at the school put me onto the wonderful world of cargo pants.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I proceeded to use the various storage options available to me.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Come upstairs, I see my daddy taps his hip to remind me of the second benefit of this job.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I got a beeper.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're impressed.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: See, because you guys don't realize this now.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, beepers was just the shit back then.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I remember telling my friends at Brooklyn, yo, when y'all cut class, make sure y'all page me.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, yo, we ain't got shit to tell you, man.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I want people to know I got shit going on.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I start my walk.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Side note, by the way, I learned something during this walk to the bank.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Something you could take home with you.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever have a confidence issue, maybe you got an interview coming up.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Gonna propose to your missus, whatever you decide, and you lacking something inside.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You should try walking around with$12,000 in cash in your pocket.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's incredible.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have no, I felt like Jay-Z that whole war.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I bumped into my boy Jeff.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, yo, guess, so what you getting into today?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, man, you know running these streets.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know how I do.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like, yo, we should go get a slice.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, all right, cool, you know.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: What else would you do with$12,000?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So we go to my boy Vito on Essex.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: He pays for his slice.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I pull out a wad of a thousand dollars.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I pay for my slice.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff gets very excited.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: He looks at me holding it, she's like, oh shit.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, Gastor is doing it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Runs to the payphone, calls up everybody.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, now as an adult, I'm responsible.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now I got a mortgage, I got a wife, I got kids.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I got shit going on.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I still dream of being a rapper.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to buy out the bar.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It looks fun to pour a lick on people and shit.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's fun because I got to live that as a 13-year-old at a pizza rear.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You who's and Snappos on me.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I got this.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Pizza, any type.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you got no idea what the fuck they will put on a pizza if you ask.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Anything.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Anything.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: You dream.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all put wood on pizza.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't give a fuck.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do it.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Cook another one.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Frivolous shit.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now I got to do this ball of move.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting at the table with my people.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: My people went off.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I say, yo, pardon me.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta take this.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the phone, call back the number.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's my dad.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, yo, how'd the deposit go?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: My friends are watching.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, man, I get to it when I get to it.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Dog life.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, yo, um, I know we got this whole charade going on at the laundromat, but you're still my son, and you actually have$12,000.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: When are you making a deposit?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I said I get to it when I get to it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hung up the phone.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Legendary.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You'll hear about it.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the table, chop it up for another 20 minutes.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the counter, drop$100 for Vito.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the change.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Walk out like a G.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I make it another block under the J train on Fulton, and six dudes walk up to me.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, don't get ahead of me.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the dude in the middle hits me straight on the chest.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, yo, you gaster?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Who wants to know?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, well, we heard you was doing it real big out here.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh yeah, if you want some pizza, I left a ton of shit.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Go help yourself.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, nah, man.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: We heard you was doing it real big.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now we want to do it real big too.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he jumped me on Fulton for real.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: 6D.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks to that dude Chad at the whole Navy.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had the cargo pants on.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: They only got to one of my pockets.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I lost the rest of that stack.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I lost a thousand dollars.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bloody that run back to the pizzeria.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff is on a stupa from six slices.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yo, Jeff, yo, Jeff, I just got jump B.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I need your help, man.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm down a thousand dollars.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck are we gonna do?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And Jeff just nonchalantly says, oh, that's easy.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta rob somebody.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Logical East New York decisions.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So we decided to rob the local drug dealers on Jerome Street.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a one-way street, right?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: They got a trash can in the middle with a block with a Jan Sport bag with the day's cash.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: One dude on one corner, you give him the money, dude on the other corner gives you the product.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Simple operation.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we came up with the idea to drive against traffic, hop out the car, get the bag, and drive off.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we go to my dad's house, get some ski mask on, hoodies, and we take my dad's car.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Drive down the block, I jump into the trash can, I grab the bag.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now we drive off.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking in the rear view, man.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I see the drug dealers just looking confused.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: But they ain't do shit.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: We got away with it.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Against traffic, shit worked.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: We drove straight to the bank and made the most gangster deposit ever.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right into the Wamu, rocking a ski mask.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Run right up to the teller, and I'm just trying to throw shit at the counter.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the security guard walks over.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, What you doing?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, man, I'm bringing money into the motherfucker.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: He looks at me confused.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff jumps in, nah, he's cool.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: We go to prep.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: You see he got cargo pants on.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I make my deposit.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I get home, pull this shit off.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I feel relaxed.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: My dad comes in from lunch.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, yo, Gastor, how'd that deposit go?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, everything went great, Pops.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, nah, like, tell me, how did the deposit go?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: How was the process?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I said everything went fine.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was cool.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Gastor, those are my friends that jumped you.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Stop fucking with my money.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the rest of the cash they took from you.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Go make that deposit.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about this when I'm done for the day.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I go to my room, I call Jeff.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, Jeff, we got a problem.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Those are my dad's friends that raw me.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need thousand dollars.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like, so we got a thousand dollars.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, Jeff, we have angry drug dealers.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So we decided to do what I like to call a reverse drive-by.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Got the ski mask back on.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Stole my dad's car again.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: We drove down Jerome Street, lowered the window, throw the Jam sport bag out, and we yell out, my bad, yo.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Drove off.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Happy day.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I show off for work the next morning.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I go downstairs, get the sodas for the day.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: I see the envelope for the deposit.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't see my money.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I come upstairs.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yo, Leo.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I see the deposit money.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Where's my cash?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, oh, you mean the money that I needed to smooth things over with the drug dealers on Jerome Street?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out the reason my dad's laundromat had$12,000 the first day of business is because my dad's a local loan shark.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some of his biggest clients happen to be on Jerome Street.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like, Gastar, I don't care that you did something stupid.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're gonna do something stupid, do it smart.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: For example, when you rob local drug dealers, try not to do so in the car that the local loan shark uses to drop off their money.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Lesson learned.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to buy a home when I got married.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Had my kid on the way, you know, so I talked to my dad.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had money saved, but I had enough to buy a home that I wanted.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he smirks, comes back from his office, and he hands me a checking book.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's under my name.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what's this?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Gastar.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm real proud of the man you are.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: You have good character, you're tough, and you do things that I can't do.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you avoided doing the things that I had to do, and I'm real proud of you for that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: But in order to get you here, it cost me a lot.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like actual money, it cost me a lot.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So every time you did something stupid, you know, break a window, playing baseball, steal my car and wreck it, or rob local drug dealers.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I put the money that it cost me to fix that problem, and I put the same amount of money into this account.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: $83,200.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the money I use to make the first down payment on my house.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: So when people ask me, can you raise a good kid in East New York, Brooklyn?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I say, Yeah.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: All it takes is patience, love, and a spend eighty thousand dollars.