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I Survived the Flight and Still Won’t Load the Toilet Roll · You're Not Too Much

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I'm fine. I have not been body snatched. And I will do
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whatever I can to take control of this situation. Is it
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possible? And hear me out here. So, all right, here we go.
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I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record. Cause that feels right. Okay, I'm pressing record.
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Boop. Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren Howard.
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Welcome to Different Not Broken, which is our
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podcast on exactly that. That there are a lot of people in this world walking
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around feeling broken. And the reality is you're just different. And that's.
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Lately, I have done something that I swore I wouldn't do. Okay, not that
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I swore I wouldn't do. I knew I would do it, but that I frequently
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try not to do, which is fly on an airplane.
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Because I don't know if anybody has caught on to this. This is probably
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new information. I have a few control
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issues. I know,
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I know it's shocking. Please
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catch your breath. Just bear with me.
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I know the science behind it. I theoretically understand
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the physics behind it. But still, there is no reason that that metal tube should
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be hurtling through the air. It just does not make sense. And then, like, these
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planes do these things that everybody acts like is normal
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and it cannot possibly be normal. Like, you hit
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turbulence and the whole damn plane shakes. And you can hear,
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like, all of the luggage above your head trying to burst
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out of the compartments because the turbulence so bad. And everybody
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around you is like, this is fine. There's nothing
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happening. That's weird on this thing. That
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is definitely not on the ground and is, in fact, many, many,
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many thousands of feet in the air. This is fine. It doesn't
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make any sense to me. I've flown multiple times in the last couple weeks. Guys.
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I know, I know. I'm fine. I have not been
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body snatched. I don't know how to prove that to you
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because everything I say is weird. So I don't know how to prove it to
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you, but just know that I have not been body snatched. I still don't like
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wearing shoes. The fact that I had to wear shoes on the airplane
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was rude, but I'm not going to put my dirty bare feet on other
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people. So I wore shoes, but that's the way you can tell
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because I was angry that I had to wear shoes anyway. If I fly
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regularly, I'm usually okay. It's when you get the big gap between
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flights that the next time I have to fly, I'm like, oh, my God, this
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is so awful. So, like, when I have to get on a plane again in
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two days to Go back home. I'll probably be okay,
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ish and appropriately medicated, to be clear. But if I have
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to then not fly for several months, which is
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usually my typical, I will be a basket case before
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the next flight. I don't know whose life this is, but it certainly cannot be
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mine. Anyway, the first two times recently that I flew, I took our
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chief clinical officer with me. One, because I didn't want to fly alone, and two,
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because I just like having her with me. It was the most affirming experience
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I've ever had in my life. And I say this as a person who has
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been very fortunate to be affirmed in many capacities throughout my life, including
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in the home that I grew up in, which was, in
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hindsight, very, very affirming because my dad didn't realize that's what he was,
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but that's what he was. But I cannot
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oversell how good a choice it is that if you are going to
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get an emotional support human, have it be the therapist
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who runs your clinical team, because she's going to be really, really
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solid at the emotional support beforehand. She
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called me just to see what I needed to be
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comfortable on the airplane, which is adorable. Cause, like, I'm a grown
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human and like, I can figure it out. But she's kind and compassionate
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and for whatever reason with her terrible taste, likes me a lot.
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And so she decided that she wanted to call and make sure that I had
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everything I needed. And I said, to be honest, all I need is the
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Klonopin that is in my bag. She was like, okay, that is fine.
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And I said, and I will need you to probably hold my hand. To which
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she said, I can do that, too. She did such an
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epic fucking job of holding my hand. She really
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did. Like, I was thinking about it afterward, and I was like,
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what an incredible fucking human. So we're on this
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airplane and I am, as I said before, appropriately medicated. And I
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very rarely take medication. But my anxiety about airplanes
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borders on irrational. Like, most of the things I do, but
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that one in particular, like, you don't want to have a meltdown
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on an airplane in the middle of the air when
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there's probably an air marshal a couple rows away from you. You just don't want
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that to happen. So that is one of the situations where I feel like I
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probably should. It's not like the type of
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anxiety where I just, like, feel like I'm worried about something. It's like
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walls closing in. I'm trapped.
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Everything is awful. The space cannot
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be big enough. I Need to grab something and square squeeze. Hard type
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anxiety. It is like, fully irrational. I am not in
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control of this situation and I will do whatever I can to take control of
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this situation. And do you know what legal things that you can do to take
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control of an airplane? Not many. So it's not a good
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idea. Anyway, she sat in the middle seat for me
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because I like to be pressed up against the wall because it makes me
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feel safe in the tube that is hurtling through the air. I recognize that
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makes no sense. Just go with it. So she sat on the middle seat for
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me, which is so nice. And, like, I wouldn't have done that for someone else.
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That is not a comfortable place to sit. And
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she just, like, let me do what I was going to do. And I kind
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of like placed my, like, I like, laid against the side with my little. I
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was using my sweatshirt as a pillow and I needed to grab
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something from a bag. And she helped with that. And that was so nice of
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her. And then we were just kind of chatting about
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plans for the day. We had a couple of events we had to go to
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that night, what time we were going to check into the hotel, et cetera, et
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cetera. And every now and then we would like, hit an air
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pocket or something would change that would freak me out. And I would
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reach out and grab her and she would just let me grab her
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and then not miss a beat in the
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conversation we were having. So it was just completely normalized. She didn't
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draw attention to it. She didn't make it a thing. She didn't ask me
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if I was okay. Don't ask people that when they're clearly not
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okay. It doesn't help nothing. She didn't draw attention to
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it. Whatever appendage I grabbed onto, she let me
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have. It was usually like a wrist or a hand.
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It didn't happen that often because I had done a pretty good job of calming
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myself beforehand. Actually, both the flight there and back for that trip were really
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smooth, and there was very little to write home about. The most recent flight we
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took, literally, we landed and the flight attendant got on the
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PA system and said, well, that was fun. So that tells you
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a little bit about that experience. I didn't realize how
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validated and whole and affirmed it made me feel.
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She didn't make a thing out of it. She didn't draw attention to it.
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She just made her
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physical body parts available to me for my
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personal use, for my sensory regulation. I also
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told her beforehand, like, if nobody around me is freaking Out. I'm not going to
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freak out because I use everybody around me as a cue for
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what's happening. And if I see somebody else respond to the fact that the plane
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did something weird, I'm going to respond. But for the most part, like,
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nobody, like, I've never been on a plane where anybody
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really like made any movement that would tell me
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that the things that I was responding to, anybody else had noticed
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or had noticed enough for it to be concerning. I
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will say that I have very weird ears and that's kind of a funny
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thing to say, but my eardrums are all messed up because I don't feel when
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I get ear infections until my eardrum perforates. And so I
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feel pressure in airplanes different than everybody else. And pressure changes in
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airplanes feel different to me. And so I know that there is a good
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chance that I'm feeling something that nobody else does. And
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so if I look around me and like nobody else is responding to it, I'm
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like, okay, that's just my weird ears. And so she knew that going in. And
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so I think she was like extra calm so that I would take the cue
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and chill the fuck out, which I sort of did.
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But the point being, the comfort and
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the support that I received had nothing to do with what she did and almost
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everything to do with what she didn't do. She didn't make a thing out of
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it. She didn't draw attention to it. She didn't ask me if
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I needed anything. She didn't make a
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production out of anything. If I grabbed her arm, she just
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gave me her arm, continued talking, didn't miss a beat. We
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continued having our conversation. When I let go, she just took her arm back.
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It was no big deal. And I got through the whole experience
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not feeling like a fucking alien. There
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is so much to be said for quiet support.
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It's not to say that people don't need loud support. And I am
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always here to provide loud support. But I don't think I had ever
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felt the full impact, especially as a
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very anxious person, especially as a very anxious person who tends to be surrounded by
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people who really, really want to help and who
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are well meaning in their desire to help, but
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who sometimes, I won't say make it worse, but
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create additional stimuli in their attempt to help, which does not help me calm
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my anxiety whatsoever. It was the least stimulating environment
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that you could possibly be in while in a metal tube hurling through the air.
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And so to Natasha, who I love dearly and who
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says she listens to my Podcast, so we'll see if that's true.
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Thank you for being the most affirming human on the planet and for making me
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feel so safe in an environment where I will never feel safe. And you
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will forever be my emotional support friend who has to travel with me everywhere I
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go. Sorry, but not sorry.
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She does say she listens to this podcast, so we'll see. Because I'm not gonna
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tell her beforehand. She quotes it back to me fairly regularly. I
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know she does actually listen, but.
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So before we ask you
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to brag on yourself, because I don't think we do
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that enough, and I think a lot of the really shockingly impressive people
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who I know are so busy trying to be modest that
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they have no idea how impressive they are. And so I encouraged you to
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brag about yourself. And this week, we have our first brag.
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We have our first brag. So let's
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hear from Deborah, who did something tough
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that I'm very jealous of and that my husband won't let me do. Okay,
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not won't let me. He will let me. He's not in control, but
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he thinks I'm bonkers for waking up one day and deciding I want to do
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this. It's been like a regular back and forth in our house for, like, six
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months. But anyway, Deborah did the damn thing. Hey,
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I'm Deborah M. And I just got my first tattoo.
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It's a phoenix. Because of course it is.
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I booked the appointment, didn't cancel it ten
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times, and sat through three hours without
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crying or throwing up, which for me
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is Olympic level success. Bragging.
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Absolutely. I earned this ink.
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I wanted to talk about toilet paper. There's this very
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stereotypical stereotype, for
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lack of I don't know what else to call it. Stereotypical. Something
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in a heteronormative appearing household that
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the woman or the person who fills that role,
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that traditional gender role, is the one who yells at
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people to put the toilet paper on the roll. And that
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if we have traditional gender roles, the more masculine
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individual fails to all the
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time. I am here to say that that is not the case in my
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house. I am actually the jackass who refuses
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to put the toilet paper on the roll. And my husband
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is the one who asks me and reminds me all the time to do it
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and truly does not understand why there is such a
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deficit in my brain to complete this. And I've
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actually spent a fair amount of time thinking about it, because this is definitely the
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brain power that I need to be applying in any place
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whatsoever. 100% absolutely so part of
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it is that I hate the spring loaded toilet
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papery thingies. I hate them. They require
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so many hands and I'm not coordinated enough
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to keep them together while putting them in the middle of the
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roll while also putting them back in the thing that creates the
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tension so that it stays on the roll. I find that whole process
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annoying and I do not want to participate in it. And most of our
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toilet paper rolls are that. And so I just choose not to participate in it.
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And that's not good because when I look at myself and say, hey,
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stop being a jackass and just put it on the roll, I
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just do it and nothing dies and no one gets hurt. And
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in fact, my marriage is probably improved for it.
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And it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. But if I
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look at it and I'm like, that toilet paper needs to go on that roll.
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Mm, mm. I don't wanna. And I just don't.
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It can sit on it, it can sit near it, it can sit next to
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it. I don't care. I don't want to deal
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with the tensiony spring loady thingamajig that
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makes this whole thing. I don't wanna deal with it. And that is a
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bizarre hill to die on. That is a really bizarre hill to die
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on.
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And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's small
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talk. I shut down socially way faster than I used to, and I'm not
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sure if that's burnout age or just me finally noticing it.
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How do you tell the difference between needing rest and avoiding life?
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Because right now everything feels exhausting. I can
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totally relate to that. Is it possible, and hear me out
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here, is it possible that everything feels exhausting?
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Because everything is exhausting. Is it possible
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that you are not giving yourself credit
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for the reality of the current toxic hellscape that we are
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existing in and you are somehow making it that
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you are having an unreasonable reaction when in reality
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you are not given the space to have the very reasonable reaction that you are
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having. I'm sure there's a good reason to know where it's
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coming from. But in the moment when you need it, I don't
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know that that matters. If you need rest. Rest. If
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your body is telling you to retreat from whatever.
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Retreat from whatever. First off, we are in the
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post Halloween pre January
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15th vortex. That doesn't exist. Time
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and space is not a thing. There is nothing
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that happens now short of emergency
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medical care. That is not a January problem. And
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we don't Give ourselves enough credit for how
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freaking exhausting just existing
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during this time of year is. And it is freaking exhausting.
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So freaking exhausting. So there's that. There is a
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world where I think there are people who are the opposite of this,
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too. Like, I think there are people who get older and want to be more
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social and go seek out other people. But it's also very common to get a
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little bit older and be like, I don't need that. I don't want that.
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There is. As you learn more about people, I think you decide how
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much you actually want of people, or you start to decide how much you actually
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want of people. The kind of natural optimism that you're going to stumble across a
16:16
new best friend starts to deplete as you get older. And you
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have what I call the emotional graveyard of best friends.
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Hopefully not a real graveyard. That would be weird. But, like, you look
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back and you're like, well, we were so close for a while, and then, oh,
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yeah, I talked to that person a lot, but it phased out. And sometimes it
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just is like the natural progression of a relationship. And some things, something bad
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happens, and sometimes you guys just move in different directions. But the more
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experiences that you have, like that where somebody disappoints you,
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and I don't mean that in like they did something to fail you, even though
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that does happen. I just more mean like, it didn't work out
16:52
again, or it wasn't what I thought it was going to be, or they
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weren't who I thought they were, or I, you know, thought this was going to
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work out differently than it would or than it did. You get to the other
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side of that and you're like, I don't know how much more I want to
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go back for. For more of that. Sometimes it happens with family. The older I
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get, the general less tolerance I have for BS from my family,
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which manifests in a number of ways. One, in places I would have kept my
17:16
mouth shut before, I do not believe it or not, there were times in my
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life where I kept my mouth shut. I know that's shocking. Pick yourself up off
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the floor. It has happened. And then in other times, it's
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like, I just am not going to engage. It is too. I know
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that engaging in this relationship in any way is going to take
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so much from me that it's not worth it. And so that's kind of. Those
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are kind of like two sides of the same coin. When you are the only
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person who identifies as female, as a woman in a family of A bunch of
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people who identify as male who you know are all my brothers,
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there is a whole lot of just
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emotional management they expect you to do. Not that
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long ago, two of my brothers were like, they were arguing about something
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shocking. One had pissed the other one off. The first one
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actually almost immediately came back with an apology because he realized that he had been
18:07
an asshole. The second one basically was on a
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page where he was like, you were an asshole and I don't have to accept
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your apology. And like, he's right, he doesn't have to. But also like, why are
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you being a dick? He apologized and so I texted my sister in law
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on the side and was like, this is like being an intimacy coordinator for
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monkeys. Why are they so bad at this part? Like,
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why do I have to prompt them on how they're supposed to? Somebody
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apologize to you, what do you say? I wasn't involved
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with it whatsoever, but it started by both of them contacting me
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separately to tell me that the other had been an asshole. And
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I knew exactly what happened. One of my brothers was going through something really hard.
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The other brother was just having a bad day. The first brother asked the
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second one about his hard situation because it's something that's
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in my oldest brother's area of expertise. My oldest brother was
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distracted having a bad day and was an asshole in response. Instead of
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being like, can we talk in two days? When I'm not buried under these
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things, normally I just would have been like, can you guys stop being
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idiots? Instead, when my oldest brother reached out to me
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to talk about it, I think my response was, I
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know you are too autistic to understand the
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necessity of responding in this situation, but I'm going to need you to get
19:24
your head out of your ass and respond appropriately
19:28
because you having a blow up to somebody who is going through a really
19:32
tough time was not appropriate, even if he's
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your brother. To which he was like, you're right,
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totally right. And he apologized. But in the past, I would
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not have said that to him. In the past. I would not have just gone
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toe to toe with him and been like, get your head out of your ass.
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Some of that's a function of age, Some of it's a function of experience. Some
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of it's a function of just what the fuck dudes like, get out of your
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own way. Stop making problems for me because you two can't
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communicate. That's a lot of getting older and
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figuring out how to navigate situations you
20:07
do and don't want to be in and you only have to be in them
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a couple of times before you're like, nope, don't want to do that again. Oh,
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there's a chance that's going to happen. I'll pass. Is that not
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participating in life? I don't know. Is it protecting your
20:20
peace? Probably. Like, probably a lot. And
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so I don't know about you, but I would really, really love
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to have some precedented times. Since we're not going to get that. I
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think you need to give yourself some grace for the fact that
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you are exhausted because the world is exhausting and that getting older
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tells you what bullshit you're willing to put up with. Thanks for being here, guys.
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Have a good day. Love you. Mean it.
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I am an extra foul mouth today. So many fuck words.