Latest / The Autistic Mile / Episode 2: The distance between my brain and the microphone
Transcript
- Jim Gaffney: Mm. My philosophy has always been that life begins at the end of our comfort zone. For me, my comfort zone I've expanded over the years, but there are still things that are not natural to me. being on camera, being in front of an audience, ⁓ public speaking, that's a a difficult ⁓ that's a difficult task for me to undertake. The podcast will ultimately be predominantly interview style, which will ⁓ make this process exponentially easier for me and for ⁓ for guests and for viewers. ⁓ but I think as ⁓ as a podcast that dives into autism, that it's important to s to for me to share moments like this. ⁓ moments where I may struggle in expanding my own comfort zone. because it's it's important to me to to kind of show that rawness and that that piece of me because it's something that I usually do tend to hide away from others. It's something that's ⁓ not not visible for the most part. ⁓ you know, the the challenges I face on a day to day basis, ⁓ or behind camera, ⁓ those are things that ⁓ are ⁓ are usually personal, private. ⁓ but in terms of the podcast, I I think it's important to ⁓ to take an opportunity like this on a day where I may struggle. ⁓ and And use that as a as a vehicle to ⁓ to be able to express that to other people and allow them to see the challenges that that autistic adults face. ⁓ so today I learned a lesson that the distance between my brain and the microphone is greater than any distance I've ever run. ⁓ I spent a lot of time in my own head, ⁓ thinking, planning. ⁓ it's it's it's part of my process. It doesn't come out of my brain easily. It doesn't flow from my brain to my lips to the microphone to the camera ⁓ effortlessly ⁓ as as anyone that's seen this video or seen similar videos can attest to. So let's talk a little bit about the comfort zone and getting outside of it. it's always been my philosophy that life begins at the end of our comfort zone. ⁓ that's where growth happens. ⁓ you know that's where ⁓ that's where we add value to ourselves personally. ⁓ but that process is different for everybody. ⁓ and everybody's comfort zone is different. as an introvert, as an autistic adult, ⁓ being on camera is about the most unnatural experience for me. there's really not much ⁓ in terms of ⁓ exposure, where it's it feels like ⁓ everything is just raw, unfiltered. ⁓ you just Just you and the camera, the microphone. and the distance between my brain and the microphone is greater than any distance I've ever run. this coming from a man who's run five marathons, ⁓ three half marathons, and ⁓ many other races of various distances. ⁓ the words don't flow from my brain to my lips to the microphone to the camera, ⁓ easily. It is it's not a smooth process. ⁓ the format of the podcast is really designed to be an interview style ⁓ where we'll have guests and we'll have ⁓ we'll have professionals, we'll have ⁓ we'll have parents, we'll have a host, ⁓ we'll have a a a a large variety of of guests that we can ⁓ tap into their knowledge. And for me personally, that will be a much more natural experience, the the natural back and forth give and take during a conversation. than it is sitting here in front of a camera trying to record content ⁓ and provide meaningful information to our audience. ⁓ today's episode really was meant to ⁓ to focus on advocacy. Today happens to be Father's Day. ⁓ I've s now spent ⁓ the better part of five and a half hours here in the studio ⁓ with nothing real really to show for my effort. Got a lot of bloopers, ⁓ which I will include I will I'd be happy to include some of those bloopers ⁓ in the in the finish version of this. I think ⁓ it'll it'll lend some credibility, and it'll it'll give give everybody a sense of just how nerve wracking it has been ⁓ just today. ⁓ but ⁓ again, it's ⁓ as we go through this we we wanna move to more of an interview style. But w ⁓ I think it's important to have ⁓ ⁓ to have these ⁓ standalone episodes, even if they're happen to be shorter, it'll give me a chance to show the the side my autistic side that wouldn't normally show up as much ⁓ in a setting where I'm more comfortable. and you know my frustration with this process today and trying to trying to put together ⁓ the video the way I wanted to ⁓ and being frustrated with the with the results that I was getting. ⁓ again, that's to me, that's just ⁓ another part of my autism. ⁓ I'm not angry, I'm I'm frustrated, I'm frustrated with the ⁓ with myself. so I talk about where did the turn come from? Maybe it wasn't a turn at all. Maybe it's as an autistic adult, as somebody who's neurodiverse, ⁓ I think I think we all walk two paths simultaneously. You have ⁓ you know, you you have the path you're walking as as somebody who's trying to to fit in and blend in with society. but you're also walking a path, ⁓ a more difficult path where that you know, blending in and and masking and and ⁓ doing the things that you believe are acceptable, ⁓ You're walking that that path at the same time. It's you know, you're you're it's two versions of the same person. ⁓ there's always there's always one that's conscious of the other. ⁓ and we we do our best ⁓ to keep ⁓ to keep the the autistic side of ourselves kinda to ourselves, ⁓ you know, away from public view. ⁓ you know, it's it's something that ⁓ most of us are trained not to show. it's ⁓ you know, they call it masking for a reason. It's ⁓ we're we're hiding it, ⁓ we're hiding that behavior. So what is the toll of ⁓ of masking? the toll it it in terms of fatigue, in terms of burnout, it's definitely it's not calculable, ⁓ but it's tangible. i is something that we all deal with. And I find as as I've gotten older, that I think that has taken a larger toll on me. ⁓ after having given it some thought, ⁓ you know, the fatigue and and the burnout that that are associated with with masking, ⁓ I I think it takes a it's more of a burden. It's just because you've done it so long. ⁓ and the older we get we're we're You know, when we're young and we're masking, you know, we're we only have to mask in certain situations. and we may have to mask in front of a smaller subset of people. ⁓ maybe friends, teachers, families. so it's a smaller list. now as you get into into adolescence and ⁓ and early adulthood, you know, your circles are widening ⁓ in most cases. ⁓ ⁓ whether you're going to college, ⁓ you know, whether you're ⁓ whatever whatever you're doing at that point in your life, you know, your circles are expanding. ⁓ you're probably masking more, ⁓ because you're ⁓ you're gonna be you're introduced to new people, ⁓ their situations you're trying to overcome. ⁓ but again, it's ⁓ it's ⁓ still relatively manageable. ⁓ as you move into As you move into being a real adult and you talk about taking steps, ⁓ like ⁓ milestones like being, you know, getting married, ⁓ your first corporate job, your first real job, ⁓ you know, after after you leave high school or secondary school, you know, you're again, your circle is ever expanding. ⁓ the amount of time that you spend masking and the environments that you spend masking in, ⁓ it's it's becoming larger every day. ⁓ and the experiences that you're having, they b they're they almost become exponential. ⁓ as you get older, you're ⁓ you're maturing, ⁓ you're you're going through other milestones in your life. ⁓ if you're if you're fortunate enough, ⁓ like myself to to be married and have children, ⁓ those are all additional situations that present additional challenges. I I found ⁓ that that masking from not ⁓ not necessarily masking for me, ⁓ but you know, as I moved in into ⁓ the part of my life where I was diagnosed with autism, it became more of ⁓ more of a concern of well, do I do I convey this to anybody? Do I just keep it to myself? you know if I if I came out into the open ⁓ with my autism, what would you know, how would that impact the my life, my family's life? ⁓ you know, what would what would the ⁓ what would happen in that circumstance? I ultimately decided it was a good thing, ⁓ that in sharing my own experience that that could help others. ⁓ and that's always the way I've approached ⁓ ⁓ my autism since i since i became aware that i was autistic. I I'd rather use it as a vehicle to help others if I can. ⁓ and that's really what this podcast is is rooted in. It's ⁓ it is true advocacy. It is ⁓ my desire to help others ⁓ in w whatever way I can. If that's ⁓ through communicating with others or or showing my true self, sharing my experiences, and so be it. ⁓ but once you ⁓ once you dip your toe into that pool, ⁓ it can get deep pretty quick. So ⁓ it's just it's just something ⁓ it's something we kind of have to get used to. T for me this is this is the next phase of ⁓ of my of my own development. ⁓ even at 56 years old, having been diagnosed with with autism autism ten years ago, I'm still evolving, ⁓ not only as a just a ⁓ a person, an adult, but as an autistic adult. ⁓ so there are can the I continue to face challenges with that. and in terms of seeking out ⁓ Opportunities like the podcast to to increase my advocacy and ⁓ and try to help others. ⁓ again, that's it requires it's more mental energy than it takes. ⁓ something that I I I'm not obligated to do. ⁓ it's something I want to do, it's something I believe in. ⁓ but it it's not I'm not obligated to. ⁓ and I've chosen this path. ⁓ but again, it's just when we talk about the toll and we talk about the the mental energy that we spend ⁓ during during the course of any given day. ⁓ you know, any one of us only has so much gas on our tank. ⁓ and and I've read articles and books and I mean there's been so much research on it, you know, about the the energy levels and the you know, the just How much do do autistic adults have in their tank for each day? And and what is the cost associated with all the masking, ⁓ the interactions? and I think the truth is that we deplete our energy supply a lot quicker. and that's where that's where the fatigue and ⁓ and some of the problems come in. It's ⁓ it's kind of when we ⁓ you know, we reach that point where it's like, okay, we've we just had enough for today. Yeah, we you know, it's ⁓ you know, some of us shut down, some of us, you know, we need to we need to kind of re energize. ⁓ and we all have our own ways of doing that. and some of us are are able to push beyond that into ⁓ into overdrive and maybe into the red zone. and again that could be problematic when you're ⁓ if you're pushing yourself ⁓ to an extent where it's ⁓ where it's causing you ⁓ enough fatigue, mental fatigue where ⁓ where it's gonna spill over at some point. So these are all things that we have to take in consideration ⁓ as we go through each day. and there's this times you gotta throw up the white flag. So what does waving a white flag look like? You get to that point where, you know, you're you're out of gas, you're out of ⁓ you're out of mental energy as an autistic adult. And you decide, you know, time out. You know, it's you get to that point, your your brain is just ⁓ you know, we're we're done. you know, we're we're overwhelmed, we can't handle any more today. ⁓ you know, what does that look like? It looks like a lot of different things. you know, things that people don't necessarily always ⁓ associate with autism. Could be somebody lashing out, it could be somebody shutting down. I've been guilty of both. No, I guess it depends on situation, it depends on the severity, it depends on other circumstances, and not cut and dry. ⁓ for myself, I know when I get when I get burned out, I tend to lash out. I tend to get I I kinda get a little angry. ⁓ not more than a little angry sometimes. I sometimes I get sometimes I get angrier than I like to admit. but i it's a it's a defense mechanism. ⁓ it's ⁓ at least for myself it's it's kind of built in. ⁓ it's ⁓ it's something it's it's something that's ⁓ that's rooted deeply. ⁓ it's ⁓ it's really ingrained in who I am. ⁓ you know, I have the tendency to shut down sometimes. ⁓ you know, again, just being overwhelmed. Just you know, you get to the point where you just your brain just ⁓ you know, just ⁓ okay, you you've had it. You just it's not gonna do any more. You can't ⁓ you can't will yourself out of it. ⁓ you know, sometimes the best thing you know, it's kinda like weathering a storm. so you're seeking shelter from the storm. ⁓ you know, you're seeking seeking harbor in the tempest. ⁓ when you get to that point, you know, you and there's everybody's different, you don't know how long it's gonna last sometimes. I mean, I've had it last for minutes, I've had it last for hours, I've had it last for days. ⁓ It really depends on the circumstances surrounding ⁓ the reason ⁓ that caused me to to get to that state. And sometimes it's a certain situation, ⁓ and it's something that it's not it's just something that you're unable to resolve in the manner in which you want to resolve it. You know, it's it's something that eats away at you, is something it's just something that that you personally have difficulty putting aside. And until you put that aside, until you get past it, ⁓ it's just it's encompasses your your whole being. It's just ⁓ you know, and the more you grapple with it, the ⁓ the deeper that can get. ⁓ because you're unable to process the way you're feeling about something. You're unable to express it ⁓ you're unable to express it in a positive manner. You're We're always able to express it. ⁓ but doing that in a positive manner, ⁓ that's the the real difficulty. You know, how do I convey how I'm feeling without ⁓ without you know, going overboard, ⁓ without getting to the point where of no return. it's ⁓ in all my years I have not solved that riddle. ⁓ some days I do a better job than others, ⁓ and not getting to that point. There's sometimes my my brain just automatically skips ahead. And it's like, you know, you could be doing fine, you know, all day and you know, it could be early in the day, you know, this before you really spent most of your mental energy. and all of a sudden something so overwhelming happens that you you just there you go. You just automatically you're done. Okay, so the question remains, how did I get here to this point today? We discussed it a little bit at the beginning. again, five and a half, six hours of futility. not being able to produce ⁓ what I wanted in the manner in which I wanted to produce it. had other things I had to really want to get done today. ⁓ it is Father's Day. ⁓ you know, what did have to get to the grass today. That's gonna have to wait till another day. you you gotta take the wins with the losses. ⁓ You know, this this really this is what I refer to as the autistic mile. ⁓ you know, a mile for an autistic adult or an autistic person in general, ⁓ is longer than a mile for somebody who's neurotypical or not autistic. it's longer, it's harder, it's more difficult. ⁓ you know, some days are better than others, but like I said, you gotta take the wins with the losses. ⁓ so The best thing I can do is be honest and and share this process ⁓ with our audience. ⁓ so ⁓ and they can see the ⁓ kind of the ⁓ the nerves that get exposed. ⁓ you know the grass is gonna get cut tomorrow, the next day. ⁓ I'm still gonna go home and ⁓ have a a great ⁓ Father's Day dinner with my family. ⁓ So those are the things that we really have to concentrate on and and focus on. ⁓ when you have setbacks ⁓ like today. ⁓ when we run into walls or we, you know, ⁓ we feel like we've exhausted our mental energy. ⁓ I'm not to the point where I shut down. ⁓ you know, ⁓ I wouldn't be here ⁓ producing this version of the podcast if I had gotten to the point where I was gonna shut down today. ⁓ but it's it's a little demoralizing, ⁓ the fact that I didn't accomplish what I wanted to get accomplished. as someone who prides himself on his work ethic on ⁓ the fact that I am hyper focused is the only reason I'm ⁓ that I've sat here this long and ⁓ gotten to this point where I'm ⁓ creating this ⁓ this raw version, so to speak. ⁓ but that's ⁓ that's kind of where we are today. And that's kinda kinda how we are almost every day. It's just ⁓ you know, you just ⁓ gotta take the good with the bad and and and work through it as they say. ⁓ so ⁓ in any case I I hope ⁓ I hope this is something that is is is something that other people can ⁓ can learn and and have some takeaways from this. you know it's ⁓ I I I understand and in times like this, ⁓ I'm I'm not the w only one dealing with situations like this. ⁓ but if if I can share my ⁓ if I can share my experiences with others, that's probably the best that can come from it. Until next time, this is Jim Gaffney with the autistic mile. Have a good one.