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What To Do When We Feel Overlooked With Whitney Akin · She Speaks Life - Christian Women, Strengthen Your Faith, Bible Study, Grow Spiritually In Christ

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Hey, welcome back to She Speaks Live.
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Thank you so much. I know this will be a blessing
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to you, your friends and your family.
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OK, today I sit down with author Whitney Aiken, who wrote a
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fabulous book called Overlooked Finding Your Worth When You Feel
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Alone. This conversation, you guys, is
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so good at defining why we have an innate desire to be seen and
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how we can often feel overlooked in a society that promotes being
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seen everywhere we go. Whitney has her own personal
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story to share and ways we can focus on the true source of
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where we get attention, approval from that we were designed to
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live for all along. We can trade feeling overlooked
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for lifestyle of living seen. And here's how.
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Here's my guest, Whitney Aiken. Hey Whitney, I am so glad you
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are here and she speaks live. Welcome.
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Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here with you.
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Yeah, I'm excited too. And I've been seeing your book
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around and your message, and wow, does it just hit home for
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me about not being seen, feeling overlooked.
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I think we've all gone through those seasons and what God
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teaches you in that place of obscurity and how he prepares
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you and the things we can do while we're waiting on him.
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So before we dive deeper into this important message, can you
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share with me your favorite scripture verse and why?
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Yeah, it's hard to pick a favorite verse, but there's one
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that I've had for a long time, and I don't know that it
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directly correlates with Overlook.
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It might could, but it's kind of obscure.
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It's Deuteronomy from Deuteronomy who has a favorite
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verse there. But in chapter 8, verse three,
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it says. And he humbled you and let you
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hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did
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your father's know that he might make you know that man does not
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live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes
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from the mouth of the Lord. And I know that's a kind of a
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random verse, but I love it especially.
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I think I found this verse walking through a season of
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suffering and infertility. And in this verse I saw this
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reality that often times God brings us to a place of need.
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So that he can fill that need in a unique way that we didn't know
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and our fathers didn't know, but he can provide.
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And that that filling comes not from the solution necessarily,
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but from the word of God, from from, from Jesus, and from His
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word. And then I love that this is the
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verse that Jesus uses. When Satan tempts him to eat the
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bread in the wilderness, Jesus goes back to Deuteronomy 8 three
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and speaks that to Satan says no, man does not live on bread
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alone. And so that's always just been a
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favorite verse of mine. I love it.
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Yeah, that's beautiful. I love that too.
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So let's dive into the word overlooked.
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How has this been significant in your life?
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Share your story on this. Well, I sort of have felt that
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feeling follow me. I guess through a lot of
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different seasons of life, and I think it really began because I
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am. I'm an introvert by nature, and
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as a child I was really shy and so I just struggled to fit in
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with friend groups and kind of find my place and my special
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thing. And so I spent a lot of time.
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Feeling like, you know what's wrong with me or why don't they
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like me or whatever? I was always the kid behind my
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mom's legs, you know, just like, when can we go home?
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And so I felt that. And then as I got older, I I
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just kind of like latched myself onto this identity as being the
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the smart one or the academic achiever.
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But I still felt like I was never the best, you know, I
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really wanted to be #1 and I never really was.
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And. And I wasn't picked for the
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things I wanted to be picked for.
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I wasn't acknowledged for the things I worked really hard for.
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And then when I got older, I went through a season, like I
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said, of infertility. And I felt really overlooked in
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that season just from suffering. Not for my personality at that
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point, but just for this idea that nobody could really
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understand what I was going through.
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Nobody could fix it. I even at that point felt kind
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of overlooked by the Lord too, because he could fix it.
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And he wasn't. And so when I set out to write
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this book, I knew I wanted to address that, but I I wasn't
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sure what to call it. You know, it's like this
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feeling. It was a little elusive.
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And to pin it down, you know, I just kind of searched for the
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right word. And it was something about
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feeling unseen. It was something about being in
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the background. And when I saw the word
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overlooked in a thesaurus, I was just, you know, scrolling
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through words. I just knew that.
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That's it. That's the feeling.
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That has followed me, and it's the feeling that God has really
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led me to sort of call out and look at and wrestle with him
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over. How does that, what does he have
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to say about that feeling of overlooked?
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And how does how can I walk as a Christian in light of the
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gospel, in light of that feeling in the world we live in?
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Yeah, that's so good. And the Bible says about being
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seen and and some stories, stories from the Bible with
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that. But I want to first really
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expand on how can we actually better understand why we long to
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be seen. I think sometimes we think,
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gosh, this is so bad. Like, you know, shame on me for
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feeling like I gotta be seen, hey, over here, you know, And
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then we get this guilty feeling because we want to be seen.
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I would love for you to share with us.
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How can we better understand why we long to be seen?
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You know, that's one of the questions I really wanted to
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answer when writing the book was why does this matter so much to
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me? Yeah, a narcissist or just
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someone who's just really selfish?
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Or why do I struggle so much with this feeling?
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Because when we think about attention, we're going to have a
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negative connotation with most of us right away.
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We don't want to be the attention seeker or the one to
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get, you know, negative attention or whatever.
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But the truth is, is that attention isn't necessarily good
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or bad. It's just a thing.
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It's sort of what we do with it, that and where we seek it that
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can make it a positive or negative thing.
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So when I was researching for the book, one of the big things
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that really felt kind of just changed my way of thinking and
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honestly was an encouragement. Is that attention?
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And our need for attention is is a real thing.
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It's a biological human need. And so psychologists would say
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that in order for a human to survive and thrive, we need
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attention and approval from others.
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We need a sense of belonging. And at first I was like that.
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That can't be right. You know who can't put that on
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the same list as food and shelter?
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But when you think about it in relation to, say, children.
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You know that a baby obviously needs positive attention in
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order to really survive. And then as children grow, they
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need attention in positive ways to develop and you know and
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thrive. And what makes us think that as
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adults that just disappears? It doesn't.
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We do need this positive attention and and approval and a
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sense of belonging. In our life or we're going to be
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searching for it if we're not feeling that mean.
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And so this is where the problem comes in is.
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Because when you need to eat, you know you're hungry, right?
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You feel it when you need to sleep.
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You start like forgetting everything when you need
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positive attention. You don't really have a pain
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receptor or a way in your brain to just be like I need attention
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now you just begin to kind of feel like alone and sad and does
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anybody see me and love me. And and in this place is where
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we kind of turn and often times our responses is humans is just
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to turn to other humans and we want to fill this need and we're
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looking to other humans to fill this need and we're kind of just
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like looking at each other like do you think I'm worthy.
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Do you think you know? Do you welcome me as I am?
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Do you see me? Do you, do you know my heart?
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And the problem is, is that in the world that we live in, we
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really can't. I wish that for for every person
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listening today and every person that read my book, I wish I
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could fix the problem of feeling overlooked by other people.
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But the truth is, is that I can't.
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And we will be overlooked by other people and we will reach
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out and say, do you think I'm worthy?
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And people say no or I don't care or I don't know you're not
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worth my time. And so we can't really solve
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that problem. But what I can do is redirect
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your listeners and the people who read my book to the truth
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that if we have a biological human need, it was put there by
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a creator. And if it was put there by a
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creator, it was there for a reason.
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And that's so that he can fill that need.
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And so we look back at creation and the story of Adam and Eve.
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We see that God. He made them, He saw them, and
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he said they were very good. He gave them attention and
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approval and all the sin broke that and distance us from him.
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Sin put Adam and Eve into hiding, and a lot of us still
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live in this place of hiding from God through Jesus.
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And through the covering of Jesus.
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We get to go back to that that state, that place that says I
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see you because you're covered in my son, and you are very good
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because you're covered in the blood of Jesus.
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And if we could just get back to that place where God intended us
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to receive that attention and approval, I think that we could
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begin to satisfy this biological human need and a healthy,
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consistent way that frees us up from looking to everybody else
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and saying, do you think I'm worthy?
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And that makes such a difference in our lives.
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Amen. Wow, that is so good and so
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true. And I feel like with our society
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and especially with social media you had to mention it's really
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hard, hard on our hearts and how can it contribute to the
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struggle of being overlooked? What do you what do you think
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about social media especially? Yeah, I mean, so humans have
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always had a need for attention. If that's a biological human
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need, we've always had it. But we haven't always had a a
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outlet. For getting more attention or
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being more overlooked than ever before.
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And so I think social media is kind of like proof to me that
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everybody longs to be seen. It kind of it reveals our deep
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and abiding need to be known and seen.
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Because for I would say most of us, if we really get down to the
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bottom line, why we keep clicking up in the app and why
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we keep showing up, it's to either be seen or to see others.
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And that's the motivation, right?
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To go viral, to finally get that pose that gives you some sort of
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Instagram fame or whatever it is.
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And so this idea sitting on this pain point, really social media
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is hitting on a pain point of humanity and the idea that we
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could be seen more than anyone, you know, in our little
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communities and we could be seen by people we don't even know,
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thousands and millions. Also comes with the flip side,
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which is that we can feel more alone and overlooked than ever
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before. And so social media, I think it
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is really hard in our hearts because I think we walk in
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thinking we got this, it's fine, it's not going to affect me.
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And then we spend a little time and we're not realizing the the
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depth that it's that it's playing with in our hearts and
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minds that there's a real need. And that when we do feel unseen,
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when our when our post doesn't get as many likes as we thought,
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or when we see that person who's getting all this accolade in
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their comments, it does something inside of us.
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When we're not getting that need filled first by the Lord.
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And I've certainly experienced that personally.
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I don't know if you have ever felt the same way, but social
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media is hard. Yeah, yeah, I know.
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I was just mentoring a young girl and I think, I mean it can
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be all ages of women that we struggle with comments, likes,
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you know, on our posts. And one of the things that she
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was sharing was, oh, I'm doubting my post based on the
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comments and lack of comments I should say.
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And so and it's funny because it's just happened in the last
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week and I'm like, you know, and and I'm preaching to myself when
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I was sharing to this little, this mentary, this young girl.
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And I said, and I said, look, I said it's so easy for us to grab
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on, especially with social media, grab on to others
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opinions about what we wrote about, what we posted about.
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And if it doesn't meet our expectations, then we start
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feeling bad about ourselves and we start doubting.
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Did my posts, you know, even makes sense?
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Or, like you're saying, I'm not worthy enough to have somebody
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comment on the post and you start taking it from, you know,
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maybe what you wrote to to it now being a personal attack.
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You know, like maybe it's like nobody.
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Likes me, you know, And then you know, you're just going down the
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spiral. Right down, down, down.
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And so to raise that young girl back up and to build her back
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up, it's going back to what God says, you know, that we do
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things for him. We don't do things for people.
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And let's do a heart check. You know where.
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What was your heart position when you posted this?
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What was your heart position when you wrote about this, this
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caption? Was this something that the Lord
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gave you? We just have to be so careful
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and just catch ourselves and remind ourselves.
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Of the truth of scripture and what the Lord says as we are
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valuable and worthy that no social media post ever dictates
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that right. Right, exactly.
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OK, so let's let's look at it in a biblical lens and some of the
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stories that we see where there are people just like us, you
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know, feeling overlooked and how God shows up.
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Yeah, So one of the sort of starting points in scripture for
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that is to look at the one who gave God the name Elroy, the God
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who sees. Because her story is really
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impactful in thinking about the character of God.
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In fact, in the book I go through four different biblical
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stories about people who encountered the seeing God, and
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hers is one of them. But it's Hagar, and a lot of
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people are familiar with her story.
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She's the Egyptian servant. She's in the household of
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Abraham and Sarah way back in the Old Testament.
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And when God gives Abraham the covenant that he's going to be
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the father of many nations. Sarah sitting over there.
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She's old and she's barren and she thinks, well, I don't know
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how that's going to work out with me.
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So she tries to help God along by offering her servant Hagar to
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be Abraham's wife and the shortcut method the.
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Shortcut method doesn't usually work out well with the Lord, no?
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And that's right. So Hagar becomes pregnant and it
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says The Bible says Hagar looks at Sarah with contempt because.
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All of a sudden I think Hagar realizes I'm not just a slave
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girl, I am a the mother of the only heir of Abraham.
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And Sarah is nothing because she can't have children.
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And in that Sarah becomes of course very hurt.
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And the Bible says that she treats, she deals harshly with
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Hagar and so it's a picture of. So it's a very difficult, nasty
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situation between these two women.
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It gets so bad, in fact, that Hagar decides to flee.
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And so this young pregnant slave girl with nothing finds herself
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in the middle of a wilderness. She's headed back home to Egypt
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because the Bible says she's sitting on the wilderness of
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Sure, which is the route back home to Egypt.
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Sure is the desert that the Israelites wandered in for 40
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years. So we don't know that she's even
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going to make it back. It's going to be a difficult
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journey. And and it says an Angel of the
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Lord meets Hagar there. But we know that this Angel, the
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Lord isn't. Michael or Gabriel, or some of
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the angels that we think of, because Hagar calls him God.
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And so we know that God met Hagar at the spring of water.
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And God? He talks to her.
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He asks her Hagar. He calls her by name.
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That's one beautiful thing. He asks her Hagar, where have
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you come from? Where are you going?
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Even though he knows the answer to that, he's inviting her into
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this conversation to kind of consider the situation at hand,
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and God asks her to return to Sarah.
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And that's a big, that's a very big request of God.
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And then God gives her this beautiful promise about her
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child. So he says it's going to be a
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boy. He says you're going to name him
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Ishmael, and he's going to be a wild donkey of a man, which
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sounds terrible. But what it really means is that
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even though he's going to be wild, he's going to be a ruler
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and says the people will be underneath him.
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And so imagine being a servant. A slave girl from Egypt in this
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household where you had no choice in being married off to
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this man and having his child, but realizing that your son
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would rule over people. And so it's this really
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beautiful promise. And Hagar's response is to say
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you are Elroy, the God who sees me.
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I have seen him who looks after me.
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And I think that her story is so beautiful because you know
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Hagar, she could have just been forgotten.
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And God didn't have to meet her. He didn't have to find her at
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the edge of that wilderness. She's kind of a messy story that
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might have been easier to sweep under the rug and but God
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didn't. And I think that that shows so
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much his character that God's not just seeing Abraham and
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Sarah, who are of course part of the covenant.
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They're going to be part of the lineage of Jesus.
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Their son is going to be the Covenantal Child.
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But he sees Hagar this sort of messed up.
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Her sons not going to be in the covenants, not going to be the
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lineage of Jesus. And yet he sees her, he chooses
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her, he values her. And he allows her to see a part
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of his character and call him that name for the first time,
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which is just so beautiful for people like me.
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And maybe your listeners who have felt sort of on the outside
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of things, who aren't the best at things, they're not the
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Abraham and Sarah of the situation, and yet God has room
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for them and meets them and sees them where they are.
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I love that, Yeah. That's one of my favorite
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stories of all time. That's so great because it just
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reminds us he's in the details of our life.
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I mean, he sees everything and. And that there's no favoritism
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with the Lord. He he loves us, and deeply so.
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What are some practical ways we can trade, feeling overlooked
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for a lifestyle of living seen? How can we apply these things to
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our lives? Yeah, so in the book I go
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through these different stories, right?
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So they're Hagar and then it's Moses and Paul and then Jesus.
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Not in that order actually, but all of them sort of teach us
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something about a life that's live seen by God.
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And Hagar's is the the character trait of obedience because God
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asks her to go back to Sarah. This is like this is a hard
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decision for her and she she obeys, but she obeys out of a
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love response to the God who sees.
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And I don't know that Hagar went back to a very good situation
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because we know later on down the line her and Sarah get into
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it again. She's kicked out again.
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It's it's. I don't know that it was ever a
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great situation for these two women.
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And and then we see in Moses's story and this beautiful picture
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of confidence, this is the second character trait because
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Moses encounters God right at the burning Bush.
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And if you go read Exodus 4, you'll see a version of Moses we
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don't often think about because he's very self-conscious.
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He's sort of like a shell of a man because he's been, he's been
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on the run from Egypt for 40 years and he says he argues with
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God. He says, God, I can't do it and
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someone else would be better than me and and just just
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please, like take someone else to do this job.
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He's suffering. Yeah, a lot of insecurity.
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Don't you love that Moses? And God instills Moses with this
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confidence by showing him what Moses, if you will, if you will
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step out, I will come through. And it's this beautiful idea
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that Moses wasn't some inherent wonderful leader.
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In fact, he needed Aaron to come along and be his support system.
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But God, through Moses leaning on him, made Moses into one of
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the greatest leaders of all times.
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And then in Paul's story in the Damascus Rd. we see this works
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based very religious, you know, zealot of a person encounter
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Jesus and then transform into a man who was humble and lived his
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life with a gospel perspective. He just lived to see people know
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Christ and totally changed his point of view, and that kind of
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goes back to applying that to us.
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A gospel perspective for someone who feels overlooked is this
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idea that we don't have to work for the approval of others.
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We don't have to work to be the best, as Paul was doing for so
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many years, but we can see people as souls in need of a
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savior. We don't have to get our worth
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from them. We can let them.
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And then Jesus is kind of a different example because of
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course he is God. So there's never a moment where
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he's not being seen by God or he realizes.
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But there's this beautiful moment when he's being baptized
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in the Jordan River, you know, that the heavens open up and the
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Holy Spirit descends like a dev, and God says, this is my son,
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and with him I'm well pleased. And Jesus is sort of introduced
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into his earthly ministry then. And we see in Jesus this
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character trait of meekness, which is something I spent a lot
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of time researching when I wrote the book.
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Because I didn't. I don't think I really
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understood what it was. I thought I did.
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And then I realized I didn't. Yeah.
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I thought this was timidity and being weak and a doormat.
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And people had called me meek in my life in a not a positive way.
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And but when I saw that Jesus was meek, thought really, I
24:49
can't be a negative thing. Jesus is meek.
24:51
And so I learned that meekness was this, like quiet confidence
24:56
and and a perspective of eternity.
25:00
That said, I don't have to enter into every fight or defend
25:03
myself in every situation, because I know my father sees me
25:07
and my father has eternity for me.
25:08
And so those four traits, it's obedience, meekness, confidence,
25:14
and a gospel perspective, is what I identify in the Bible and
25:18
also in my own life as more ways to begin to transform when we
25:23
live seen by God. That's so beautiful, Whitney.
25:26
Thank you. What wisdom you are imparting on
25:30
us and thinking about situations in my own life and I know our
25:34
listeners doing the same thing and.
25:37
Your book is incredible. Now I love ending in a take
25:41
away. Is there something that you can
25:43
leave with the listener here to ponder on or take action in?
25:47
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think it's the idea that
25:51
sometimes we read Scripture and we see the, you know, the Hagar
25:54
stories and the burning Bush and the road to Damascus.
25:56
And we think, like, where's my big moment?
25:59
But just to encourage your listeners that Jesus, it's in
26:03
Jesus. He's already accomplished our
26:05
big moment and his scripture, His word is what we get to go
26:09
back to over and over for that that revelation, that aha
26:15
moment. And so sometimes we can have it
26:17
in our head, right? OK, God sees me and loves me.
26:20
But like the old saying said, there's there's a big distance
26:23
between your head and your heart.
26:24
And I would encourage your listener, Do you know it or do
26:30
you know it in your heart? And sometimes it takes a lot of
26:35
time. And honestly, repeating God's
26:37
word over your heart and praying God, do I really believe this to
26:42
be true, That you love me and that you see me and that is your
26:45
character? Because if you don't starve
26:47
there, none of the transformation in your life can
26:50
really happen. And I know for me it took a long
26:52
time to really come from my head to my heart and that
26:55
realization. So I would encourage your
26:57
listeners 1 easy place to go that a lot of people are
27:00
familiar with is to read Psalm 139.
27:02
Because it talks about God's omnipresence and his
27:05
omniscience, that he's everywhere all the time and that
27:08
he knows everything all at once. And these are two beautiful
27:11
realities that because of those things, God cannot overlook his
27:15
children. And I had a time in my life
27:17
where I read that chapter of scripture every day and and God
27:21
transformed my heart to really begin to internalize those
27:24
things. So I'd encourage your listener
27:26
to do that. Thank.
27:27
You, Whitney. Hey, where can others get those
27:30
awesome books? Just amazing and connect with
27:32
you? Yeah, well you can find my book
27:36
and more about me on my website itsjustwhitneyaiken.com.
27:40
Or you can find it, of course, on Amazon or anywhere you like
27:45
to buy books. Most people like to buy Amazon,
27:47
but Barnes and Noble or Christian books, even in the
27:49
Proverbs 31 bookstore. And then you can also find me on
27:52
Instagram and Facebook and you just look up Whitney Aiken and I
27:56
I like to interact with people over there.
27:58
I'd love to to meet some of these people.
28:00
So. Thank you for coming on here.
28:03
This was just so impactful and encouraging.
28:07
Inspiring. Because we all have gone through
28:10
those seasons or we won't go through the seasons of feeling
28:15
overlooked. And it's like, OK, what do we do
28:17
with it? How do we respond?
28:19
So I love your message of encouragement to help us, to
28:23
support us the different ways that we can look to Jesus when
28:29
we go through those seasons in life.
28:32
So thank you so much, Whitney, for coming on here.
28:35
Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for listening
28:39
today, and I trust that God has encouraged you through this
28:43
story. Did you know this podcast is on
28:46
YouTube? Hop on there and subscribe and
28:49
you can see a live recording of each episode.
28:53
And For more information on this ministry and to access free
28:56
downloads, please visit my website at jamieelizabeth.com.
29:01
That's JAYME elizabeth.com. And let's connect beyond this
29:06
podcast by going to my Instagram handle, Jamie Elizabeth, She
29:10
Speaks Life or Facebook. Until next time, my friend.
29:14
I hope God reveals himself through your own life story.