Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 483. Being alone vs staying in a group that doesn't align and my partner gives me the silent treatment and I can't handle it anymore (Headnoise)

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483. Being alone vs staying in a group that doesn't align and my partner gives me the silent treatment and I can't handle it anymore (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful moons, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: This is a voice note Head Noise episode. We love
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: them so much. We love them so much, and I've
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: got some great ones. I've got three to go through
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and they're fabulous. Now, I'm not going to do a
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: life update. Not really big on life updates on Head
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Noise episodes. It's the occasional one. I will, by the way.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I did one last When was that last episode talking
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: about how much I love this random gym bench that
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I bought and I was very passionate about it. And also,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: if you do follow me on Instagram, I'm trying to
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: do a thirty day kind of challenge of just doing
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: some sort of movement and exercise every single day. And
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: that could just be like a long walk, mind you,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: but it's kind of I'm trying to get back into
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: the zone of just really moving my body. As I
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: spoke about literally last episode, I was talking about how
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: much it positively impacts my focus and staying on task
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: and staying on track when I do some sort of
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: movement ideally intense, but definitely not always. Today I went
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: for an ak run, felt a fabulous. Yesterday I did
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: an eight hundred meter swim. Just that kind of shit.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Good times, and I've got that new gym bench at time.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: So loving life. Anyway, you've heard me talk about it before.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I donate to repeat myself, but I just did. Let's
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: do the first voice male question, and I'm just loving
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: It's my privileged man is in denial about female struggles.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: How's that title? Can't wait to listen to it?
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Hi, alexays love the Poe. I just wanted to talk
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: to you about men and women and their differences. I
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: was recently having a conversation with my boyfriend and he
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: said men have it harder than women. I'm a feminist,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: so I did resist that statement, and he tried to
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: warp it into saying pretty privilege, which also makes me cringe.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Beautiful young women who are sexually assaulted when they're underaged
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: don't feel privileged for being pretty. I'm not sure how
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: to explain to this man that women don't have it
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: easier than men, and they've been oppressed by men for centuries.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: My boyfriend comes from money. I'm really self made. We
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: don't live together. I own my own house in business,
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: and I just felt so offended by this statement because
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: having a hard time dating and being oppressed are two
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: completely different things. I feel like he thinks men have
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: a harder time dating, but again that's two completely different things.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Does this make him a dud? Or do you think
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: I can change his mindset to understand what it's like
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: to really be a woman in the world.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Awesome question. Awesome fucking question, And I'm very very glad
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: that you sent that through. It doesn't necessarily mean he's
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: a dud. I think sometimes if people can come to
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: come to like be reasonable and begin to reason, they
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: will start to realize the many gaps in their perspective
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: of things. Okay, there are many people that I know
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: that have come full circle or like done a one
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: eighty or whatever the saying is on certain topics as
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: they've become more educated around the thing. So I think
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: this just comes from lack of having different perspectives and
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: lack of education in this certain topic. You seem to
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: have very good points, But I get the feeling and
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: not that this is wrong. This isn't wrong. I'm just
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: going to tell you what I feel is going on
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: that maybe you might be quite frustrated and aggressive and
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: fair enough, because I get the same way. Trust me,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I'm the same. I'll get like arked up. I'll be like, well,
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: fuck Aaron R. Like if you've got a really good
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: point that seems so blatantly obvious, like exactly what you're
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: saying about, pretty privilege is very very different too, And
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: also pretty privilege. That's a whole other, completely different thing,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: because males also have pretty privilege. Pretty men, fucking pretty privilege.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Good Looking people are in general more privileged than people
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: that are not as good looking. It's gotten anyway. We
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: could go on a whole tangent about that, but whatever,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: the point is that there's like good points that you
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: can pull across, but sometimes you'll be so frustrated and
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: your approach ends up coming across as an attack. Now
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: is that okay?
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Is that fair?
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. The point is what is the best
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: way to get someone to hear me out to the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: extent that they would actually take on board what I'm saying,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: or at the very least just consider it. They don't
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: have to agree in the moment, but maybe it plants
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: a seed. How can I plant a seed in someone's
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: mind in the most productive way possible? Because everything you're
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: saying might be completely right, But if the delivery is
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: a way in which you make the And again I'm
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: not saying, oh, you need to make people feel comfortable
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: and what you deliver, however the fuck you want. And
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not just talking about feminist issues. I'm talking about
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: anything you want to get across us. Think, am I
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: delivering this in a way that makes it look like
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: I'm ready for a fight? Or am I delivering in
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: a way that makes it look like I'm open to
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: a conversation one which we can really hear each other's perspectives.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: That's the key. There's this big issue that I find
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: when it comes to men not fully being on board
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: with feminism. And I think a lot of men not
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: rightfully so, but a lot of men will instantly feel
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: attacked because they think that you're on the attack of
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: men in general. Okay, you're on the attack. So then like,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: do I need to protect myself. I'm gonna arc up,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have my walls up, I'm gonna make And
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: then the moment you start having your walls up, so
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: to speak, you start defending where you're at, whether it's
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: deserved to be defended or not. Instead of talking about
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: the issue at hand. They feel like it's a personal
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: attack because men are men and it's part of their
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: identity of being a male. They feel like it's a
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: personal attack. Instead of saying, wow, you're talking about a
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: particular behavior that is common in most men. You're talking
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: about a particular belief system that's common in our society
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: that exists primarily in men. And then they're able to
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: separate themselves from what it is that you're specifically talking about.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: They know, they take it on as part of their identity,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: and then because you are attacking that thing, they feel
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: personally attacked. And then they arc up and then they
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: say ridiculous statements like the ones he was saying. Okay, so,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: how are you going to approach this in a way
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: you obviously you're dating him, hopefully apart from this, he
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: seems like a well rounded, you know, normal human being
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: who you actually like and if there's something that you're like, well,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I actually would want to pursue this further. But even
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: if you didn't pursue it with him moving forward with
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: other guys, what's the way that I can get them
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: on board? I don't the aim is to have them
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: on our side. How can we have them on our
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: side and make them feel like you're on our side.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: When feminism is carried out properly in the way it
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: should be, it benefits men as well, right, because it's
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: actual equality. This whole patriarchy, the thing hurts men as
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: much as it hurts women. Okay, it fucks everyone over.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: So my advice to you personally, this is kind of
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: how I would do it, is get to the bottom
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: of why he believes the way he believes in a
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: very common, measured way. It's hard to be measured when
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: something's so like infuriating to hear as a woman, when
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: you've been on like the receiving end of a lot
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: of the bullshit. But I think it's important to be like,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: why do you feel that way? Do you think it
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: could be? Like you ask? Ask, ask asks, don't don't
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: block a statement, don't arc up, just start asking and
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: prodding and trying to get to why you think he
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: feels this way, you know, and say, yeah, pretty. Privilege
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: is a thing. When you're comparing women against women, there
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: are going to be women that are more privileged because
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: they've got their looks and they might get you know,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: free drinks and might get you know, a promotion and
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: all these things that might benefit this really hot person
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: versus an Okay, cool, but we're talking within women versus women.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: But where this conversation is about feminism, and we're talking
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: about a woman versus a man and what their differences are,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: you know, in life, then you could start posing different
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: questions like, as a woman, do you what can you identify?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: And like, I want you to tell me what you
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: see as being easier overall, but I also want you
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: to tell me what you see as being harder overall.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Get him to start getting creative and using his mind
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  Speaker 1: to tell you what he sees is harder for women.
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  Speaker 1: Then if he's got half a brain cell, he'll be
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: able to answer that question with no problem. If he's
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: unable to answer that question, I would say he's a dud.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: Yes.
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  Speaker 1: But if when you're having a warm, comfortable conversation, you
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: then open the floor and being like, I want you
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: to tell me what you think is easier, but please
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: also tell me what you think is harder for women
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: from your perspective. If he can't think of one thing,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: get rid, here's a fuck with But if he can
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: be like, well, no, yeah, you know you're right, I
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: can think of this, I can think of that, and
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: then you can start the ball rolling. See yeah, no,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: you can say I can get it from maybe your perspective.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: This wasn't easy for you to see it initially, but
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: maybe once you start understanding it all comes down to communication.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: It all comes down to creating a safe space where
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: everyone feels like they can have a conversation and no
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: one's attacking. The other people will get defensive over things
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: that aren't even them just because they feel that they're
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: being attacked. So if your delivery is one that's attacking,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: and again, by all means, if that's how you want
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: to deliver it, go for gold, because there's a lot
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: of frustration and anger there. But if you want to
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: make it a productive conversation, talk about the actual issues
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: at hand, and don't make it like a men these
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: men that just say what things do you believe are hindering?
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: And then you can also talk about how it also
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: hinders men as well. Okay, because you've got this whole
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: rise of like men getting all arked up about, you know,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: the fact that women are disadvantaged and they're like, well,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: you're not advantage here, or if you talk about, you know,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: violence against women, well, men men are also men are
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: also victims of violence. Ruler like they always have to
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: have one, they always have to have something about it,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: when in reality, it's like, if we can just calmly
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: talk and both find a common ground to agree on,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: then you'll realize that more often than not, with a
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: lot of people. Definitely not all, but a lot of people,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: you'll realize there's so much more common ground than you realize.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: There's so much more that you can agree on and
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: work together on. So that's how I would try and
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: approach it. How can we make this a healthy conversation?
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: How can I do it so I'm not getting angry
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: and then you ark up and then we can never
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: have a nice conversation. How can we broach this topic
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: in a way where we both feel safe, comfortable and heard. Okay,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: So hopefully that hopefully that helps. But yeah, great, great question.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Thank you for sending that through. Next question, this one's
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: called silent treatment in a relationship. Oh, I'm already excited
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: to answer this one.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: Hello, Alisa, I just wanted to see if we could
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: have a topic. I don't know if you've already done
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: or not. But about silent treatment and what effect that
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: has on the brain, because I seem to not cope
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: with it at all, and the man I ain't seen.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: I'm twenty five, he's thirty one, and he's got two kids.
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: But he used me a silent treatment if I share
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: an opinion or how I feel, but get into the
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: smallest arguments, and I don't know if I can keep
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: going on with it, and I feel like it's breaking
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: me and I'm not sure how I'm meant to respond
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: or how I'm supposed to take it, because I've never
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: had the silent treatment before besides my parents, and usually
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: it just shuts me out and I go to my
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: room and try and fix myself. But when I want
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: something this bad, like I want my relationship with him,
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: I just don't know how to deal with it, and
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: it's really hurting me. So yeah, thank you in advance,
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: and I love your podcast.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is a really good question, really really good question.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation. Okay. Now,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: having said that, I'm not saying that everyone who does
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: the silent treatment is consciously trying to emotionally manipulate their partner.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: There's two kind of groups of people that do it.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: There's people that it's been done to them. They also
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: don't really know how to express their feelings in the moment,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: and they kind of it's that they freeze in conflict
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: and they don't know how, and so then like their
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: only way without blowing up or snapping, they're like, I'm
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: better off being silent and something. But there's a difference
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: between being like I just need a moment and retreating
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: versus I'm going to be silent for as long as
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: possible to punish you. There is a difference, okay, And
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: the best way to know that is, well, exactly what
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I just said. If it's kind of a prolonged thing,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: If it's you know, you're trying to raise your point
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: of view, raise your opinion on something, there's been a
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: disagreement or he just doesn't agree with what you've said,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: and then straight away there's a silent treatment. When they
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: have hasn't been this like escalated fight where then someone's like,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I can't be a part of this. I've got a retreat.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Then you've got to ask yourself, is this a form
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: of emotional manipulation? Well, the answer is yes, But You've
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: got to say, like, do I think this is intentional
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: emotional manipulation or do I think this is unintentional. The
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: next thing I'm going to ask you is would you
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: feel comfortable approaching him when you're not fighting when things
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: are good and saying listen, When we have a disagreement,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: you go silent on me, whether it's a fight, whether
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: it's something that I've said and you don't like that
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: I said that thing, you go silent on me, and
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I can't get through to you, and I get completely
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: shut out for an extended period of time and there's
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: nothing that I can do about it. I'm completely not
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: in control, and it's a huge shift in the power
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: dynamic in our relationship, and I think it really hurts
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: our relationship. Is there a way that we could approach
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: this differently in the future, Like maybe if you feel
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: like you're going to be angry and you're going to
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: say something you regret, maybe you say to me, can
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I just have ten minutes or fifteen and it's to
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: gather my thoughts and then we can speak about it
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: in fifteen minutes time, Or maybe I just take a
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: walk around the block or something. Maybe you have something
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: that you both agree on, so he can learn to
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: manage his emotions and have that emotional regulation before then
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: he then speaks about it because maybe a lot of
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: people they don't want to blow up and explode, so
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: then they fully retreat. If you right now are saying
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: there's no way I could broach that topic with him,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: there's no way I could bring that up, then I'm
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: telling you right now he's an emotional manipulator and he's
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: toxic as fuck. Okay, if you say, oh, yeah, no,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I could definitely have that conversation with him. He would
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: probably take it on board, maybe not be able to
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: answer me in the moment, but he'd at least think
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: about it. Then it's probably something that he is also
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: aware that he's doing, and he probably is also aware
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: that it needs changing. Okay, So I just don't want
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: to say, oh, I leave him right now, whatever, I
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: do want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Many of us have unhealthy behaviors that probably need to
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: be curbed, and it sometimes takes a healthy conversation in
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: a relationship to make us realize that it actually is
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: really hindering the lesship more than we realize. So you
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: if you already right now are listening to me say that, thinking,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I could never approach him, it means
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: that there's a very uneven power dynamic that exists between
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: the two of you already. If you can't approach your
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: partner and say something gently, with love and kindness, about
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: how you can move forward in how you approach conflict
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: in your relationship. If you don't feel comfortable doing that,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: you are in an unhealthy relationship. Okay, ninety nine percent
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: of the time you are in an unhealthy relationship. Why
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: would you feel like you can't approach now? If your
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: answer right now, if you listen to this saying you
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: know what, I probably can say that, then you're already
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: going to start to find solutions. If he is approachable
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: with that topic, then you say to him, let's come
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: up with a bit of a game plan next time,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: because Number one, I don't want to feel like you
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: are cornered and you have to say something and stay
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: in the room when something because maybe that's just not
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: how you process things. But I also don't want to
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: feel isolated, So let's come up with the game plan
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: next time. What's that thing for you? Is that the
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: walk around the block? Is it just fifteen minutes and
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: then you approach it. Is it maybe you just walk off,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: write a few things down just to gather your thoughts
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: and then you share those things with me after. Or
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: is it something that you can talk about in the moment.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: But you've never realized that, you know, icing me out
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: and you know give him me a silent trapment is
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: something that's affected me so much. Maybe your coping mechanism
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: didn't You didn't realize that was hurting me so much.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Either way, you're going to have a really productive conversation. Okay,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: if you are unable to approach him with this topic,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: or if you try and approach him and his response
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: to that is again to give you the silent treatment.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now, you cannot change someone like that.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: That is emotional manipulation, and that person thrives off a
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: power dynamic where one person holds all the cards and
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: then make another person feel powerless in that moment that
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: there's nothing that they can do, They have no leverage whatsoever,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: and therefore they are the dominant ones in that relationship.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: That is what if people are intentionally using the silent treatment.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: That is the aim. That is the goal. It's to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: kind like silence you, but also make you feel powerless
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: and make you feel like ultimately it's going to be
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you that's scrambling to get them to open up or
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: to get their attention, and until you're like the nice
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: one or trying to like, you know, soften the blow
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: or this and that, then they can just be silent
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: for as long as they want. So, I don't know,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: you can either raise it with him and if he doesn't,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: you know, take it, well, then you can just keep
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: going as you're going in the next time he does
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: the silent treatment, just fucking say it caun't like, and
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you don't even have to say so ya, Like they
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: bank on the fact that you will come crawling back
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: every fucking time. Imagine if someone did the silent treatment
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: you just never crawled back. Then it's like a five
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: year silent treatment and you're technically still in a relationship. Like,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: what what is the outcome? Like they can go fuck
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: themselves anyway. He's probably lovely, but I'm just I don't know,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: I'm just speaking from a bit of experience here. I
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: just skeptical I'm skeptical, but if he's lovely, have the
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: conversation and he'll be receptive. At the very least, he
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: will be able to have the conversation. That's a big tell.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: If someone can at least talk about it, then I
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: would go so far as to say that they do
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: want to change, or they're willing to do something to change.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: If you can't even broach the topic, toxic sense sense
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: psychoes and with lugs anyway, Next question.
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: Hey you, Alexis. I love your work. I've been listening
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: for a long time. It's helped me so much in life.
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: I can't think you're enough. My question is, is that
• 18:36
  Speaker 4: I'm finding myself attracting the same sort of people or
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: being close to getting close to the same sorts of people.
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: And this is the crowd that is sort of in
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: that lifestyle of like drugs, not heavy, you know, maybe
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: selling drugs or even taking drugs or sort of get
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: like the streets lifestyle, fighting that sort of lifestyle. And
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: it's never been me. But I've always been around people
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: like that and sort of just held my own vibe
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: and done my own thing, but you know, gotten along
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: with people and had people close to me in that lifestyle,
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: including family. And I've just recently started seeing someone new
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: and it's gotten very serious quickly, which has been great.
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: But I've because I really like him. But I've just
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: realized after he's sort of opened up a bit more
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: about himself to me, that he is in that lifestyle.
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: And I've already got that in my family. I've got
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: that in my friends, a couple of my best friends,
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: and I just it's just not what i'm aspiring the
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: road I want to take, and I'm wondering it should
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: I cut these people off? What? How do I navigate this?
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: Because I don't want to be alone, but I don't
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: feel like this aligns with me.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: This is a very good question. Thank you so much
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: for sending that in. I say that about every question,
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: but I really do get pasted about all these questions.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: So here's my advice to you. You don't have to
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: cut these people out. Okay, if they like friends, best friends, family,
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: all of that, you know, as long as it's not
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: an unhealthy relationship for you, it doesn't necessarily mean that
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: you have to cut them out. But if you're looking
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: to make serious change in your life and you really
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: do want to be hanging around a different crowd with
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: different lifestyles and different values and a different just you
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: know what I mean, Okay, different, Then you have to
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: start hanging around with people that emulate that. You know.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like you are the summation of the
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: five people that you spend the most time with. That's
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: very true. There's a lot of truth to that. It
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: might not be very accurate, but there is a lot
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: of truth that because it's what is absorbing your conscious
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: awareness most of the time. Okay, So even if you
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: yourself aren't doing it, it's harder for you to then
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: break off into other opportunities and different things and different
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: experiences in your life because these are the main people.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: And it's not just five. It seems like it's almost
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: everyone around you who's doing that. So my advice to
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: you is, if you are definite that you want to
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: have a different life for yourself, different lifestyle, different social settings,
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: you are going to have to have time where you
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: are going to be a little bit alone. It requires
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: this wash out period of kind of putting your connection
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: to this kind of lifestyle in order to then open
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: up the opportunities for the other lifestyle. Because it's not
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: going to happen the other way around. You're not going
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: to be like, well, when someone rolls into my life
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: that is the different lifestyle, then I'll lean into that
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: a bit more. It doesn't happen that way. Like attracts like.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: If you keep feeding your energy into this kind of
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: lifestyle and this kind of social connections, whether it's family, friends,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: person you're dating, you're just going to get more of
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: the same. And for some people that's great because they
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: like to party, they do, and for other people it's
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: not great because you're trying to break out of that.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: So you just have to ask yourself, does this align
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: with what I want for my future? The answer is no,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: or you wouldn't have written I was going to say,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: written into me this voice message. So if I want change,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: I have to be the change. First, I need to
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: step away from these people. You don't have to cut
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: them off, but you need to really, like really step back,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: really pull back. You have to come to terms with
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: the fact that it will require you being alone for
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: a period of time. You have to be in that
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: discomfort of alone, and that is what will then push
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: you to seek out other kinds of relationships, other kinds
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: of friendships. Where will you find these people? What do
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: the people that you want to hang around with? What
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: do they do? Are they fitter? Are they more into
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: a certain hobby? Are they more into it? Like I
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: can't answer that question, only you can, but start thinking,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: what would the kind of people that I'd like to
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: hang around with, what would they do? And can I
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: be doing more of that? And now I'm going to
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: start to be doing more. I'm going to start doing
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: more of that, and I'm likely going to start to
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: interact with those circles of people that are engaging in
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: this kind of hobby, maybe a more hell the relaxed lifestyle.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Maybe they're fittime, maybe they're like to cook, maybe they blahlah.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: And you start doing that and then you start to
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: create different connections with different frendships. But you're not going
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: to be pushed to put yourself out of your comfort
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: zone and meet new people and you know, extend the
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: the you know, like go out on a limb to
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: try and talk to people. If you feel too comfortable
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: where you are right now, you have to create that
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: discomfort for yourself in order for you to create change
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: for yourself. And as far as this relationship that you're
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: getting yourself into. Ask yourself, is this really going to
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: benefit me in the long term, knowing that this is
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: not the lifestyle that I want. I know it's early days.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying cut the relationship off, but you've really
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, am I am I going to
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: make this change and really be the person that I
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: know I'm capable of being and having this completely different
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: lifestyle that I've always wanted or not? And how much
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: do these relationships align. It doesn't require cutting them off,
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: but make sure that it's not the people that you
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: spend the most time with, because they're going to be
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: the ones that have the most influence on you. Okay,
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: you need to make the hard decisions if you want
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: to have an easier life. Okay, and an easier life
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: is one that aligns with you on a moral level
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: and with your values. Amazing. Hopefully that helped. Hopefully that
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: gave you some food for thought. I hope Anyway, Awesome,
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: awesome questions that you guys have been sending in love
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: so much as always keep sending them in voice messages
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: via the website dwifempod dot com. Email questions info at
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: dwifmpod dot com. That is all for today, and of course,
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: as always remember becind to yourself, becind to your brain,
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: and don't take shit from anyone and especially don't take
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: shit from yourself. Don't ca