Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Lies We Believed and Truths that Set Us Free | Ep. 46

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Lies We Believed and Truths that Set Us Free | Ep. 46 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:17
  Cheryl: Listeners here we are again around the microphones Hi y'all.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: How are you doing?
• 1:22
  Cheryl: Doing good.
• 1:24
  Christie: We're all together.
• 1:25
  Christie: I
• 1:25
  Danae: know.
• 1:25
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:26
  Danae: We missed you.
• 1:27
  Danae: Yeah, it's been a rough couple of weeks.
• 1:29
  Danae: I had COVID and I was out, I was in my bed for quite a few days.
• 1:36
  Danae: And then how are you feeling now?
• 1:38
  Danae: Um, I still feel fatigued and have a sinus infection, so that's not any fun.
• 1:44
  Danae: been walking through the journey of my, uh, sister-in-law's passing, passing to heaven.
• 1:52
  Danae: I've talked a little bit with you all about that I divorced, um, around five years ago, but I've stayed very.
• 1:59
  Danae: To my mom in love is what I've always called her.
• 2:02
  Danae: And so she's definitely still that.
• 2:04
  Danae: And my sister in love, Debbie, it was her time to, to leave this earth, Mm-hmm
• 2:10
  Cheryl (2): mm-hmm
• 2:11
  Cheryl: Y'all never met Debbie.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Mm there's no one who ever met Debbie that didn't love her.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: And felt loved.
• 2:19
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:20
  Danae: So Debbie.
• 2:21
  Danae: Down syndrome and she did, she doesn't anymore.
• 2:24
  Danae: That's right.
• 2:26
  Danae: and yes, she wanted a hug from everyone and everyone wanted to hug her.
• 2:32
  Danae: She made me and, and everyone, she met feel so special and so loved.
• 2:39
  Danae: she was a delight and she was watching her parents really give their whole lives, you know, to her care and, and, um, just spoke a lot to me.
• 2:49
  Danae: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 2:51
  Cheryl: I reflect on it because it is true.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: you're with Debbie.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: There was a different quality of life.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: I don't know how to say it.
• 3:01
  Danae: you know, being around someone like Debbie is really a lesson on how to love someone.
• 3:05
  Danae: It really is, you know, because she, she wasn't able to give very much mm-hmm you know, or, or maybe in the world's eyes she wasn't, but she did, you know, and she just wanted to be with you.
• 3:18
  Danae: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 3:20
  Cheryl (2): There was never a single time in all those years.
• 3:23
  Cheryl (2): That Debbie was there, that she didn't come to me and be very present, hugging and loving on me and my kids feel the same way.
• 3:32
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 3:32
  Cheryl (2): As they grew up, cuz they grew up knowing Debbie mm-hmm and an amazing person.
• 3:38
  Cheryl (2): And what a role model, um, her parents are mm-hmm for loving well and persevering through a lot of hardships.
• 3:48
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 3:49
  Cheryl (2): And.
• 3:50
  Cheryl (2): You parents out there who have children with real challenges.
• 3:55
  Cheryl (2): I just wanna encourage you.
• 3:56
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm mm-hmm keep loving.
• 3:58
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 3:58
  Cheryl (2): Keep persevering.
• 3:59
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm because they're worth it.
• 4:02
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm yes.
• 4:04
  Cheryl (2): Well, I just enjoyed giving that tribute to Debbie.
• 4:07
  Cheryl (2): Yes, that's amazing.
• 4:08
  Cheryl (2): Thank you.
• 4:09
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 4:10
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 4:10
  Cheryl (2): Um, on a different note, one of the things that I believe.
• 4:17
  Cheryl (2): Gets us all to stumble a little bit.
• 4:19
  Cheryl (2): It's lies that we believe I stumble a lot.
• 4:22
  Danae: Maybe
• 4:23
  Cheryl: yeah, sure.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: I wanted to kind of interconnect,
• 4:26
  Danae: like,
• 4:27
  Cheryl: I don't know.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: I know the problem is for me, um, is that I don't always recognize the lies.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: that I'm believing yeah.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: That are messing with my life.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm instead of truth.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: So I thought we would do that to share maybe in your life, what is a lie that has made you struggle that's prevented you from being as healthy as you wanted to be or
• 4:52
  Cheryl (2): in,
• 4:53
  Cheryl: parenting And then.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: What's the truth that set you free.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm what has helped you, even if it's not a hundred percent, would y'all mind sharing that today?
• 5:02
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:03
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:04
  Christie: My, my whole parenting life.
• 5:08
  Christie: I feel like I really thought if I could do everything right.
• 5:13
  Christie: That it was all up to me to just do all the right things so that my kids would have the best life mm-hmm like, I really do think I, it was up to me to make sure they had the best memories, the best education, the best you.
• 5:30
  Christie: Protection from physical harms or bad influences.
• 5:34
  Christie: And it really, the weight really was on my shoulders.
• 5:36
  Christie: It's a lot of pressure.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:39
  Christie: Okay.
• 5:41
  Ellen: Do you know where you kind of got that best life idea from?
• 5:43
  Ellen: Was it something you grew up
• 5:44
  Christie: with or no, I think the opposite.
• 5:47
  Christie: I think a lot.
• 5:48
  Christie: The things I felt were like were shortcomings in my life.
• 5:51
  Christie: I could trace back to something in my childhood.
• 5:55
  Christie: Oh, good.
• 5:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:56
  Christie: So I think that made me feel like the inverse was true.
• 6:00
  Christie: If I could just do better.
• 6:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Christie: You know, if I could fix those problems for my kids on top of everything else, then.
• 6:08
  Christie: they would not have any issues in their life that they would just have this really successful, happy mm-hmm
• 6:13
  Ellen: joyful life.
• 6:13
  Ellen: When did you find out it wasn't working?
• 6:16
  Ellen: Oh, that's a good question.
• 6:18
  Christie: well, honestly, I think I believed some layer of that.
• 6:23
  Christie: I mean, I probably still struggle in some ways, but I think when my first started her senior year.
• 6:28
  Christie: Okay.
• 6:29
  Christie: Started working towards graduation.
• 6:31
  Christie: And I started thinking, you know, like, as they're growing up, you start thinking, oh, I hope I'm doing everything right.
• 6:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm I hope I'm.
• 6:38
  Christie: I hope this is the right thing to do.
• 6:41
  Christie: And then I shifted more into that senior year of.
• 6:44
  Christie: Did I do everything right?
• 6:45
  Christie: Like it felt like such finality to me, like, yeah, really honestly, graduation day felt like a funeral day to me.
• 6:51
  Christie: Aww.
• 6:52
  Christie: And it felt, remember I had zero to 18 to do everything the way that it was supposed to be done.
• 6:57
  Christie: And then on the other side of that, I believed it was a pass or fail.
• 7:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:00
  Christie: Wow.
• 7:01
  Christie: Wow.
• 7:01
  Christie: And I mean, down to.
• 7:03
  Christie: I remember crying because I didn't know if her backpack was going to be back from monogramming in time for the first day of school.
• 7:11
  Christie: like every, and I researched car seats and worried about yeah.
• 7:15
  Christie: Everything.
• 7:16
  Christie: All the little details.
• 7:18
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:18
  Christie: I just really wanted everything to be perfect.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Christie, what a burden.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: You're
• 7:25
  Ellen: making me
• 7:25
  Christie: tired.
• 7:26
  Christie: I know.
• 7:26
  Christie: I'm tired myself.
• 7:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:28
  Christie: Wow.
• 7:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:28
  Christie: I remember.
• 7:30
  Christie: Birthday parties were always really big for me.
• 7:32
  Christie: Mm-hmm that was one, you know, I, I had all these little special areas that I would especially obsess over and one was birthday parties.
• 7:40
  Christie: And so I'd had to have a theme and the right invitations mm-hmm and I'd hand make'em and do the scrapbook pictures and all the things.
• 7:47
  Christie: Well, one of my girls at, at bedtime, she would wanna say, mom, let's talk about all my birthday party themes that I've had.
• 7:53
  Christie: And so we'd list them, you know, all, all through the order.
• 7:55
  Christie: Mm-hmm first birthday, the second birthday that.
• 7:58
  Christie: Well, then my, one of my other girls said one day, yeah.
• 8:02
  Christie: I don't remember any of my birthday party being.
• 8:04
  Christie: And I'm like, what?
• 8:06
  Christie: And that might have been my, yeah, she was probably older teen at the time.
• 8:10
  Christie: And that might have been one of my first realizations that some of this just isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.
• 8:18
  Christie: Some mm-hmm, not that birthday parties aren't important, but I was giving extra weight.
• 8:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:22
  Christie: To every detail.
• 8:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah, it's like you said you made it the thing.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: This was gonna be the fix, right?
• 8:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that it's a formula.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:31
  Cheryl: You know?
• 8:31
  Cheryl: And if you can just like your cookies have y'all ever had any of her cookies?
• 8:36
  Cheryl: No, but we keep talking about them.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: So like when you make your cookies, you don't just dump.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: And grab things off the shelf.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: And I mean, what you're describing sounds like, oh boy, if I have this recipe and I follow it perfectly, mm-hmm I'm gonna get exactly.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: The daughters out of the oven.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that I wanted.
• 8:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:58
  Christie: Right.
• 8:59
  Christie: And that's a big thing too, is the, the daughters that I wanted.
• 9:03
  Christie: Ooh.
• 9:03
  Christie: Oh, wow.
• 9:04
  Christie: That I wanted everything to be the way I saw envisioned it was perfect that wow.
• 9:09
  Christie: Instead of, and I think this is really.
• 9:13
  Christie: On the other side of that graduation day, I started realizing that wasn't a funeral.
• 9:17
  Christie: She's got a whole life to live mm-hmm and it wasn't so much just that one child, it was just, that was the first experience I had.
• 9:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm but she has now lived a successful five years.
• 9:27
  Christie: I don't mean successful, like.
• 9:28
  Christie: Being successful.
• 9:29
  Christie: I just mean she has continued to live for five more years after graduation.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: It is successful.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: You're just not talking about achievements.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: You're disregarding that as, as a person, she's a functioning and,
• 9:41
  Christie: and she, and, and all of my children have gone on past, I mean, three of now, three of them now pass graduation and they.
• 9:48
  Christie: Have some successes and they have some failures and they make mistakes and they learn from them and they can continue to learn and grow and I continue to learn and grow.
• 9:56
  Christie: Wow.
• 9:56
  Christie: And it wasn't up to having the right.
• 10:00
  Christie: Cake topper at the birthday party.
• 10:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:01
  Christie: Or the right stroller or the things that I
• 10:04
  Cheryl: thought it was mm-hmm well done.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: I'm thinking about moms that identify with what you just said.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so what would you say helped you to think through that and fight, you know, and expose the lie, but the truth that such a free.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: A different lens that you look through?
• 10:22
  Cheryl: Or how did you adjust your focus so that you weren't still trapped in that life?
• 10:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm I think I started seeing my kids as individuals, ah, rather than.
• 10:35
  Christie: embarrassingly trophies.
• 10:36
  Christie: Mm.
• 10:37
  Christie: You know that I, I had thought that they would be something I could present as something I did.
• 10:42
  Christie: Right.
• 10:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm And I, I started following falling in love with them and who they are and what their passions are, rather than something that I could achieve.
• 10:55
  Christie: Or, and it was out of a place of love wanting them to have the hearing live.
• 10:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:00
  Christie: But I just put more responsibility on myself than I really had.
• 11:05
  Danae: Mm-hmm
• 11:05
  Cheryl: wow.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Fantastic.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Cheryl: Well done mom.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Well done, Christie.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: What about you, Ellen?
• 11:14
  Cheryl: Is there a lie that, that tripped you up as a person and as a parent?
• 11:19
  Cheryl: Yeah, I think for
• 11:20
  Ellen: me, um, it was that I'm not enough.
• 11:23
  Ellen: Oh.
• 11:24
  Ellen: You know, always feeling and I know from childhood, that's how I would feel if I get in trouble.
• 11:29
  Ellen: Oh, I wasn't good enough.
• 11:30
  Ellen: I didn't do this well enough.
• 11:32
  Ellen: That's why I got in trouble or whatever.
• 11:34
  Ellen: And so I was always, I mean, I can relate to what you're saying, Kristy.
• 11:38
  Ellen: I was always striving.
• 11:40
  Ellen: To make my kids have a really good life mm-hmm but underneath there was trying to fill, oh, I'm not enough.
• 11:46
  Ellen: So I need to do these 10 more things.
• 11:48
  Ellen: Wow.
• 11:49
  Ellen: And lots of times, just in my own strength, I could fulfill those 10 more things.
• 11:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm but it didn't necessarily enrich my children in the way that I wanted it to mm-hmm so it was just, you know, um, Kind of made me feel good on the surface, but what happened is I would be exhausted mm-hmm by the time we did something, so then I was cranky mm-hmm you know?
• 12:12
  Ellen: And
• 12:13
  Cheryl: so you didn't get the joy?
• 12:15
  Danae: No,
• 12:17
  Ellen: it it, the joy has come as my adult children.
• 12:22
  Ellen: Tell me things now, you know, and, um, encourage me and tell me things I did.
• 12:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:29
  Ellen: And things like that.
• 12:30
  Ellen: Cuz in my head, I, I mean I'm better than I've ever been, but you know, always I have that list of going back to, oh, I'm just not enough.
• 12:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:37
  Ellen: I just need to do more.
• 12:38
  Ellen: I need to add one more thing to my schedule.
• 12:40
  Ellen: I, to take one more class, I need to do one more, whatever that is.
• 12:44
  Ellen: Mm-hmm mm-hmm and that's exhausting.
• 12:46
  Ellen: And even for a high energy person, that's exhausting.
• 12:49
  Ellen: It sure
• 12:49
  Danae: is.
• 12:50
  Danae: So you were trying to fill that I am not enough with, so I have to do more.
• 12:55
  Danae: Right, right.
• 12:56
  Ellen: So I need to show my kids.
• 12:58
  Ellen: Oh, you know, I'm enough to be your mom.
• 13:00
  Ellen: And if I do all these things for you, you will know that I.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Yeah, because I think you're right Nate.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: And what you're saying, it sounds, I know a lie.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: That I am what I do.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: And what I see accomplished.
• 13:14
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: So I can.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: I am enough.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: If everything I do fills that bucket.
• 13:21
  Ellen: Yes.
• 13:21
  Ellen: Cuz I would literally have lists every day.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: Give us some examples of how this tripped you up.
• 13:27
  Cheryl: Well, I mean,
• 13:28
  Ellen: it started even before children and my husband would just look at me, I'd make these lists of things I need to accomplish during the day because when you accomplish something and you feel good about yourself.
• 13:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:38
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:38
  Ellen: And so I would, I started.
• 13:41
  Ellen: Using a daytime or a day journal.
• 13:44
  Ellen: And just every, you know, every day I'd make a list of all the stuff I'd wanna do.
• 13:48
  Ellen: And I might have been up not so much once my kids got a little older, but I might have been up till one in the morning, mopping the floors, cuz I hadn't finished my list.
• 13:55
  Ellen: Oh, oh wow.
• 13:56
  Ellen: Cause I had to achieve, it was very achievement centered.
• 13:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm but I chose not to go into the workforce.
• 14:02
  Ellen: I wanted to stay home mm-hmm and.
• 14:04
  Ellen: Stay at home mom.
• 14:05
  Ellen: So, um, then when I had kids, it kind of went into that same thing.
• 14:09
  Ellen: I just kind of had these lists and lists and lists and I, I labeled them a, B and C and you know, by priority.
• 14:16
  Ellen: So my goal was always to get to the CS.
• 14:19
  Danae: Wow.
• 14:20
  Danae: Which lists aren't bad.
• 14:21
  Danae: They really at all.
• 14:22
  Danae: So how would you view that differently?
• 14:25
  Danae: Cause I imagine you're still probably
• 14:26
  Ellen: doing list.
• 14:26
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:27
  Ellen: I still do.
• 14:28
  Ellen: But I also am relaxed about my list.
• 14:31
  Ellen: I realize now that that's not who I am, I'm not my list.
• 14:35
  Ellen: Wow.
• 14:35
  Ellen: I'm not the works that I do.
• 14:37
  Ellen: I'm not how I perform.
• 14:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm that my husband and my children love me for whatever there is in me that they love and, um, which is a lot and I don't have to perform mm-hmm and then when I do do things, I do it because I really wanna make that other person.
• 14:54
  Ellen: Mm, not just cuz my happiness was being derived by my children's happiness.
• 14:59
  Ellen: Mm.
• 15:00
  Ellen: And I was looking through their eyes to be approved.
• 15:03
  Ellen: Yes.
• 15:04
  Ellen: Rather than I had to come to the point where God, I always remember being told, well, God loves you.
• 15:11
  Ellen: God loves you.
• 15:11
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 15:12
  Ellen: God loves everybody.
• 15:13
  Ellen: you know?
• 15:13
  Ellen: And so, you know, it's sort of a genius cause he has to he's gone.
• 15:16
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:16
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 15:17
  Ellen: But as I started to.
• 15:19
  Ellen: fail as a parent, at least in my own eyes and my own standards, then God was able to move into that space and go, but you are enough.
• 15:29
  Ellen: Mm I am enough because I would've died only for you
• 15:34
  Danae: because you
• 15:35
  Ellen: are.
• 15:35
  Ellen: Enough for me.
• 15:37
  Ellen: Wow.
• 15:37
  Ellen: And that was a real change point when I started addressing in the deepest part of me that God says I was enough.
• 15:46
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 15:46
  Ellen: My husband's been a good man.
• 15:48
  Ellen: He's always said I'm enough.
• 15:50
  Ellen: Maybe sometimes too much.
• 15:52
  Ellen: but.
• 15:53
  Ellen: You know, just letting God remind me continually.
• 15:57
  Ellen: And he still has to mm-hmm I'm enough.
• 15:59
  Ellen: You don't have to do all those other things.
• 16:00
  Ellen: Mm-hmm If you wanna do those things, then they're gonna be fun and enjoyable go for em, but you don't have to prove anything to anybody, not your identity.
• 16:07
  Ellen: Correct?
• 16:08
  Ellen: Because that's where I got my identity and we We were military.
• 16:12
  Ellen: We lived in a very performance.
• 16:13
  Ellen: I mean, we were told you don't go to the store as an officer's wife, unless you're fully made up, you're dressed up because you're setting the example.
• 16:22
  Ellen: And in leadership roles, you are setting the example.
• 16:25
  Ellen: So it felt, always felt like I don't know who I was setting, sending an example for, but I felt like I was responsible for how I looked and
• 16:33
  Cheryl: breathed.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: So what I'm hearing.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Your actual physical circumstances of your life were the perfect setup to reinforce this slide.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: Over and over and over.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: Cuz you got it at home.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: And then you get at school.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: And then you get in the military.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: And then you get in a structured, maybe not disgrace filled right.
• 16:54
  Cheryl: Community.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: And so it all says, yeah.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: Ellen, you aren't enough.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Work harder.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:00
  Ellen: Wow.
• 17:00
  Ellen: Because somehow everybody else around me had it together.
• 17:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm which they all thought I had.
• 17:06
  Danae: Then when you actually
• 17:06
  Ellen: that's a lot, and then you start comparing notes and we all like, oh, we all thought you, I thought
• 17:10
  Christie: you had written following
• 17:12
  Danae: you.
• 17:13
  Danae: Yeah, exactly.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 17:16
  Cheryl: this is amazing cuz you're amazing women.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: And to hear.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: This private lie that goes on mm-hmm I just know there's so many parents out there identifying mm-hmm with our struggles.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Okay.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: DNE.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: Yeah
• 17:33
  Danae: yeah.
• 17:33
  Danae: First of all, I really relate to both mm-hmm of yours and mines, you know, kind of along the same lines.
• 17:40
  Danae: Uh, I would say one of.
• 17:42
  Danae: The biggest lies was that I needed to pour myself completely out at all times for my children.
• 17:52
  Danae: Wow.
• 17:52
  Danae: And, you know, and the bigger community mm-hmm, you know, I, that was just who, who I needed to be.
• 17:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:59
  Danae: Um, to be loved, you know, in fact I was thinking, um, so if you've heard of the Ingram, I'm an Ingram two and their greatest.
• 18:08
  Danae: Fear is to not be wanted and not be loved.
• 18:11
  Danae: Oh, okay.
• 18:12
  Danae: And so, you know, it's just nurture or nature.
• 18:16
  Danae: I, you know, the debate is still out, but that's, it was my personality.
• 18:19
  Danae: I remember even from a little girl, you know, feeling that way.
• 18:23
  Danae: And I was thinking in high school, late junior high, I think also I, um, was not.
• 18:31
  Danae: The best athlete, but I went to a small school and you kind of did everything.
• 18:35
  Danae: And I always wanted to be a part of everything.
• 18:38
  Danae: And I mean everything.
• 18:39
  Danae: And so I was gonna run track was not fast enough to be a sprinter.
• 18:45
  Danae: And I did not wanna run marathons no way.
• 18:49
  Danae: Thank you very much.
• 18:50
  Danae: And so I picked the race that was called the gut check and where you gave it, your all, it was the 400 and basically you just run.
• 19:00
  Danae: Fast as you can around that truck and then you just bomb it after.
• 19:06
  Danae: Oh, I, I asking, thinking about this topic, I was like, there it is.
• 19:11
  Danae: You know, I may not be the best, but man, I've given by all.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Danae: So then, you know, As a parent, I would fill my days.
• 19:23
  Danae: So, so full kind of with the list idea, but then also with relationships and talking with my kids and, and, you know, I felt like if I didn't go to bed at night, absolutely exhaust.
• 19:36
  Danae: Did mm-hmm I've missed something today.
• 19:40
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:40
  Danae: Wow.
• 19:40
  Danae: You know, so mine was a little more Ellen and I'm relating to, but mine was a little more esoteric of just, I just needed to be exhausting.
• 19:48
  Danae: Everything to be vomiting at the end of the day.
• 19:51
  Danae: exactly.
• 19:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I identify without a lot today because I'm Igram too as well.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and that struggle.
• 20:02
  Cheryl: So what is something that helped you start healing from this mm-hmm and realizing that that was a lie, not a commendable mature way.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm to serve and give.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:18
  Danae: Oh gosh.
• 20:18
  Danae: Yeah.
• 20:19
  Danae: You know, it really took a crisis in my life.
• 20:23
  Danae: Yeah.
• 20:23
  Danae: To.
• 20:25
  Danae: To see this.
• 20:27
  Danae: I, I really didn't have a clue.
• 20:29
  Danae: I thought I was doing well at balance.
• 20:33
  Danae: And well, you were running really fast,
• 20:36
  Cheryl: really fast and you vomited real well.
• 20:39
  Danae: you know, and I, um, I read the book boundaries by the authors cloud and
• 20:46
  Cheryl: Townsend.
• 20:47
  Danae: you know, years ago, but.
• 20:52
  Danae: I don't know I think it went in one ear and out the other, you know, maybe I learned a little bit, you know, when I started a few years ago, um, in, in going through a separation and a divorce and started going to a skilled counselor, you know, this scales fell from my eyes pretty quickly, how I was trying to do it all, take care of it all and be it all mm-hmm and it, it just wasn't.
• 21:21
  Danae: Working.
• 21:21
  Danae: And I think also my kids getting older, you know, Christy, you mentioned that about how just really starting to talk with them as mm-hmm older teens and, and what did I want for my children?
• 21:33
  Danae: Mm-hmm I think this all kind of came at the same time.
• 21:35
  Danae: Like especially my girls, you know, I have four girls and one son and I just thought.
• 21:40
  Danae: I, I don't, I am not being a good example to my children.
• 21:45
  Danae: So it's kind of, I wanted to say, you know, um, do what I say and not what I do.
• 21:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:51
  Danae: And I started having to take a really hard look at that.
• 21:53
  Danae: Like, do I want my children in their, uh, relationships, their parenting to pour it all out?
• 22:03
  Danae: Mm-hmm no, cuz I've.
• 22:05
  Danae: doing and giving for them this whole time.
• 22:07
  Danae: Right?
• 22:07
  Danae: Yeah.
• 22:08
  Danae: I don't want them to think that's the way to be the best parent.
• 22:11
  Danae: So I had a big wake up call with that.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: Um, wow.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: I'm so glad what a wise thing I'm really love that you did this and the idea.
• 22:25
  Cheryl: No more stigma.
• 22:27
  Cheryl: If I need help, I need to go somewhere.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm all of our listeners.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: If we realize we need some help outside of ourselves, keep going and getting that mm-hmm we, if you need it, mm-hmm I mean, they have just now released 9 88 as a mental health line.
• 22:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so really, and truly if you're listening to this and you need some help or someone, you know, couldn't need it.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: Use the 9 88 reach out.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Don't stay, look at all of us.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm we just stayed in these unhealthy places.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: We were
• 23:03
  Danae: all stuck.
• 23:04
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:04
  Danae: And, and you all didn't mention it and I didn't either, but I would say, you know, living that kind of life being so emotionally and mentally and being spent, I mean, I definitely did struggle with the ups and downs, the depression, and then.
• 23:22
  Danae: anxiety.
• 23:22
  Danae: There was a time when I started having panic attacks.
• 23:26
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Danae: You know, and I was seeing a mental health professional, you know, in helping me do that.
• 23:31
  Danae: And I just know it's because my nervous system was, was shot.
• 23:35
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:35
  Danae: And I, I needed some
• 23:38
  Christie: care.
• 23:39
  Christie: Well, and I would say we've talked about it before, but just even having friends, community that you can talk to that can see your blind spots that you don't see.
• 23:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:47
  Christie: Because I too look back and realize, I think I had a lot more.
• 23:50
  Christie: Seasons of depression then I realized, yeah, because of the pressure and the anxiety, if your friends know
• 23:56
  Ellen: right.
• 23:56
  Ellen: That's a problem you know, and we've talked about this privately, is that, you know, I know when I was younger, I didn't know.
• 24:03
  Ellen: Maybe a friend was depressed.
• 24:04
  Ellen: I may not even know I was depressed.
• 24:06
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, there's more,
• 24:08
  but
• 24:08
  Christie: if we can get honest with ourselves yes.
• 24:09
  Christie: And then honest with someone else.
• 24:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm and empathy.
• 24:13
  Cheryl: Fantastic.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Um, well this kind of actually tags into what we've said a big lie that I've just realized in the last couple of years.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: And it was through processing that I realized that.
• 24:28
  Cheryl: It's this is me and this is not me.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because what we're all saying is, I mean, it's a similar thing that I have realized I'm a person that really thrives on feedback.
• 24:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so I'm, you know, when they talk about your love languages and all of that.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: I'm a words of affirmation person.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: And so what you give is kind of what you also want back.
• 24:50
  Cheryl: So I really thrive on feedback and so going all the way back to my childhood, we moved a lot.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: And so I've talked about it before I was tall and skinny, and I was the new kid over and over and over and over.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: I went to nine different public schools.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: That's so hard.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: It is really hard.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: And my parents didn't know it was hard.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I didn't know.
• 25:09
  Cheryl: What was hard mm-hmm also SOS real tall and skinny.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: And I was basically a golden retriever puppy.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: so golden retriever, puppies.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: Think everybody's gonna like them.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and you don't develop a lot of social skills and awareness mm-hmm And then before I could develop it, we moved again that concept, those words weren't in my life.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: And then before I could develop it, we moved again.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: And, and so then I began
• 25:33
  Cheryl (2): the lie of what is wrong.
• 25:35
  Cheryl (2): With me,
• 25:36
  Cheryl: if I'm getting
• 25:37
  Cheryl (2): this rejection,
• 25:38
  Cheryl: if I'm getting
• 25:39
  Cheryl (2): this feedback,
• 25:39
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: So.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: A new seventh grade, a new eighth grade, a new ninth grade, a new 10th grade, a new 12th grade.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: That's what those years were for me.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: I mean, I can remember one instance.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: Ninth grade.
• 25:52
  Cheryl: I'm just telling you those years, the nightmare that they are.
• 25:56
  Cheryl: And so it was two o'clock in the morning.
• 25:58
  Cheryl: It was a sleepover So we were there and then we did the horrible thing of very truth.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: You know, we're gonna say, oh, truth or dare.
• 26:05
  Cheryl: No, just Terry.
• 26:07
  Cheryl: True.
• 26:07
  Cheryl: We're gonna say something.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: We're gonna very mean truth.
• 26:09
  Cheryl: Very.
• 26:11
  Cheryl: and there was someone there And she looked at me and this is two o'clock in the morning.
• 26:16
  Cheryl: But in ninth grade, which is a horrible year.
• 26:18
  Cheryl: And she looked at me and she said, well, my very truth is Cheryl.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: I can't stand you.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: I wish you weren't here.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: No.
• 26:25
  Ellen: Oh yes.
• 26:25
  Ellen: I thought you were supposed to tell the truth about yourself.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: No.
• 26:28
  Christie: Oh, that's horrible.
• 26:29
  Christie: No, but she should have says
• 26:30
  Danae: I'm not a very nice person.
• 26:32
  Danae: Right?
• 26:33
  Cheryl: I wish you weren't here.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: It would almost make me not want to come.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: If I'd known you were gonna be.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: That's horrible.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: And so all the air was sucked outta my lungs.
• 26:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:42
  Cheryl: And, uh, those ninth grade girls, nobody spoke up.
• 26:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:47
  Cheryl: Nobody said anything.
• 26:48
  Cheryl: Nobody did anything.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: And there was no.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Pit to swallow me up to take me out.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: I had to stay there the rest of the night.
• 26:56
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 26:57
  Cheryl: So those kind of things build into that lie.
• 27:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that there's something wrong with me.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: The way anybody acts or doesn't act.
• 27:05
  Cheryl: And so that includes my children.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: So when my children reject me or they lie to me or they don't go, mom, thank you so much for cleaning the kitchen again today and for doing all the laundry.
• 27:16
  Cheryl: You're so amazing.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: All of that.
• 27:18
  Cheryl: No feedback on any of everything.
• 27:21
  Cheryl: Or also,
• 27:22
  Cheryl (2): because of all that,
• 27:24
  Cheryl: I had a desire to be pursued.
• 27:27
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 27:28
  Cheryl (2): So
• 27:28
  Cheryl: if
• 27:28
  Cheryl (2): nobody's calling nobody's coming.
• 27:30
  Cheryl (2): No, one's pursuing me.
• 27:32
  Cheryl (2): the lie of what is wrong.
• 27:34
  Cheryl (2): With me, because of all this rejection feedback Mm-hmm the truth I did not have was I need to draw the line between what is me mm-hmm and what is everything else, right?
• 27:46
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 27:47
  Cheryl (2): So that when my child does something.
• 27:50
  Cheryl (2): Disrespectful or painful or they deceive me or someone else does.
• 27:55
  Cheryl (2): I don't have to say, okay, what was wrong with me?
• 27:59
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm what a horrible person that my child would lie to me.
• 28:02
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm
• 28:03
  Danae: no, yeah.
• 28:04
  Danae: That's not your child is immature and,
• 28:06
  Christie: or whatever.
• 28:07
  Christie: This is their week being in eight year old.
• 28:09
  Christie: They're just being a brat today.
• 28:12
  Danae: yeah So how would you view that differently?
• 28:16
  Cheryl (2): that
• 28:16
  Cheryl: people doing whatever, they are.
• 28:19
  Cheryl: not even thinking about me.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: Everybody's consumed with their own lives.
• 28:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: And so, you know, it is a.
• 28:27
  Cheryl: Self focus thing, but the self focus was just a lie of bondage.
• 28:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I will tell you one of the tools that helped me, um, One book I started with is emotional, healthy spirituality.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And the other is I've mentioned it before.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: It's R w 360 relational wisdom, 360 and Ken Sandy does it.
• 28:52
  Cheryl: It's online.
• 28:53
  Cheryl: I would highly recommend it to any of you out there.
• 28:57
  Cheryl: Any listeners, there is a faith based track and a values based track, and it just helped this reality of this lie come to the surface.
• 29:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I tell you I'm a different person.
• 29:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I'm just very, very thankful.
• 29:13
  Cheryl: because of the freedom that it's brought to my life.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and.
• 29:18
  Cheryl: I don't know about you all as I have become freer, it's making everyone around me freer.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: Because they don't have the burden yes.
• 29:27
  Cheryl: Of meeting this deep need in my heart.
• 29:29
  Cheryl: That's unrealistic and not real.
• 29:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:32
  Christie: Well, and I think transparency breeds transparency too.
• 29:35
  Christie: And I'm just looking at you three.
• 29:36
  Christie: And I, I remember before I knew each of you as well as I do now, and my kids are all younger than your kids.
• 29:44
  Christie: And I would've thought.
• 29:46
  Christie: You guys were the moms that knew it all and had it all together.
• 29:49
  Christie: And that I was intimidated to have my kids around because they might not act the right way.
• 29:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 29:55
  Christie: And so I think sharing with each other, the lies that each of us have believed as moms.
• 30:01
  Christie: it gives me freedom to hear your lies.
• 30:03
  Christie: Mm-hmm know, and hopefully vice versa.
• 30:05
  Christie: And I think that's true.
• 30:07
  Christie: Whenever, like you said, people around you get freer, the freer we are from those things.
• 30:12
  Christie: Wow.
• 30:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 30:12
  Cheryl: Particularly in grace mm-hmm to give everybody grace and just, yeah.
• 30:17
  Cheryl: To.
• 30:17
  Christie: Well, we're all struggling.
• 30:19
  Christie: Right?
• 30:19
  Christie: We're still struggling where
• 30:20
  Ellen: we are at our ages.
• 30:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm mm-hmm, you know, Cheryl and I are entering our senior years.
• 30:26
  Ellen: and we've never been there before.
• 30:27
  Ellen: No, mm-hmm you know, so this is whole new territory.
• 30:29
  Ellen: We have to figure, well, what does it mean to be older now, right?
• 30:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Ellen: You know, and you guys are getting ready to be complete empty nesters, kids going off and all of those kind of things.
• 30:41
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and you know, they're just, everybody's at a different.
• 30:44
  Ellen: Based in their life, but it's a new space, right?
• 30:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm even if you've had a bunch of kids, you you're new with that child in that
• 30:52
  Christie: space.
• 30:52
  Christie: Exactly.
• 30:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 30:53
  Christie: I had someone since I do have all one gender, one time say, oh, you must know everything about girls.
• 30:58
  Christie: I'm like, girl, I know what this girl's doing on this day about maybe.
• 31:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:05
  Christie: And it's true.
• 31:06
  Christie: We're learning every single day.
• 31:08
  Christie: And.
• 31:08
  Christie: An encouragement too.
• 31:09
  Christie: I think don't, don't look around and think all the other moms have it all figured out.
• 31:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 31:14
  Christie: Or dad ads.
• 31:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 31:16
  Cheryl: Well, and what this emphasize is the importance of genuine community,
• 31:21
  Danae: Yeah
• 31:22
  Cheryl: not having 10,000 friends mm-hmm but a good.
• 31:25
  Cheryl: Well developed community.
• 31:27
  Cheryl: I'm visual and one of the illustrations is what I need on my car.
• 31:31
  Cheryl: I can't see everything so I need my side view mirrors There's a reason why they call it blind spots.
• 31:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and to have friends speak into our lives.
• 31:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm like this and to listen and um, to be able to grow and change mm-hmm we don't have to
• 31:52
  Ellen: fear the future because we've all walked long enough.
• 31:58
  Ellen: That we know hard times come mm-hmm mm-hmm all life is a season.
• 32:01
  Ellen: It isn't one bad week.
• 32:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 32:04
  Ellen: It's just chunks of time.
• 32:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 32:05
  Ellen: That we're maneuvering through.
• 32:07
  Ellen: And so we have to go, okay.
• 32:09
  Ellen: I'm in this season now.
• 32:10
  Ellen: That's really hard.
• 32:11
  Ellen: Spring is coming mm-hmm but right now, Windsor is really tough.
• 32:15
  Ellen: Mm-hmm mm-hmm and uh, as you work through winter, then you're more prepared for the
• 32:20
  Christie: next winter.
• 32:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 32:21
  Christie: You know, one of my.
• 32:22
  Christie: Um, she's 18 now.
• 32:23
  Christie: And she had a lot of anxiety as a child.
• 32:27
  Christie: I mean, she still has anxiety, but when she was really young, struggled a lot with anxiety.
• 32:31
  Christie: And now we talk about what she was thinking during those times when she was younger.
• 32:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 32:38
  Christie: And just what you were saying, Ellen, about.
• 32:40
  Christie: There's hard seasons in parenting, but remember our kids are having hard seasons and being a kid too.
• 32:47
  Christie: It's common to both sides and to all of our peers, I mean, we're all going through hard things.
• 32:53
  Ellen: And as parents, we have to recognize our kids are struggling too.
• 32:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm they're going through their stages and their phases and their seasons.
• 33:00
  Cheryl: I love what we say over and over that we're in a relationship mm-hmm and that we want to love them.
• 33:07
  Cheryl: We can't fix it.
• 33:08
  Cheryl: No, we can't.
• 33:09
  Cheryl: All these things we're talking about.
• 33:10
  Cheryl: There's not a quick fix in life.
• 33:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but that's why relationships matter.
• 33:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and why we want to love our children through that and, and one another.
• 33:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 33:21
  Cheryl (2): yeah.
• 33:21
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm
• 33:22
  Cheryl: What a lot of truth spoken here, even though we started talking about lies.
• 33:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm Listeners.
• 33:29
  Cheryl: I hope this was encouraging to you.
• 33:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and reach out.
• 33:34
  Cheryl: Don't stay isolated.
• 33:36
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's important.
• 33:37
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 33:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 33:38
  Cheryl: Reach out.
• 33:39
  Cheryl: Get help.
• 33:40
  Cheryl: Reach out to that friend, open up a little bit and bring somebody in to get the health and the truth that you need.
• 33:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and all of life and parenting, hang in there.
• 33:54
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.