Latest / Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast / Why We Wound Others with Our Words

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Why We Wound Others with Our Words · Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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When life gets tough, people start the blame
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game. We start blaming one another. And when
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we blame, then gossip, slander, rumors, lies.
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Words have amazing power for good or for evil.
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Today, we're going to talk about how to control
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what comes out of your mouth and how to deal
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with the lies and the pain inflicted on you.
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Welcome to Living on the Edge with... Chip Ingram.
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We're continuing our series, Building Authentic
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Community, How to Lift Up Those You Love. And
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today, Chip turns to a subject most of us would
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rather not talk about, how we talk about other
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people. From ordinary conversation to prayer
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requests to asking a friend for advice, Chip
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shows us three surprisingly common ways we tear
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each other down without even realizing it. And
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the book of James doesn't soften the verdict.
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In fact, it makes it clear this is one of the
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most serious sins in all of Scripture. Well,
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here's Chip with today's message titled, Why
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We Wound Others With Our Words. Few things have
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the power to ruin a relationship like critical,
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accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, and
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even slanderous words. Think about that. Few
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things in all the world have the power to literally
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destroy or ruin a relationship. like critical,
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accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, or even
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slanderous words. And if you're wondering about
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whether that's really true or not, let me ask
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you a few questions. Has anyone ever said anything
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about you that was untrue, misinformed, negative,
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judgmental? Has anyone ever communicated something
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behind your back and you found out about it that
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they wouldn't say to your face? Anyone been critical
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of you? Anyone said something to another person
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that questioned your motives, your integrity,
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your character? Has that ever happened to anybody
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in here? It sure has to me. Now here's the next
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question. How did it make you feel? Imagine if
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you can, let your mind go back to, not in general,
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but who's the person that did it? What was the
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situation? The last, most... I mean, emotionally
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charged time where you were criticized, slandered,
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were the object of people questioning your integrity.
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Maybe people at work over here or worse yet,
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people in church saying this or even miscommunication
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in the family relationship. You know how extended
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families get. How did it make you feel? What
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happened inside your heart? What happened to
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the relationship? Can you think of a good relationship
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that was destroyed because of this? Anybody here
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a part of the church that was split? Or a family
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that doesn't talk anymore. Or an office that's
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been turned into bitter politics because there's
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little innuendo over here. And in fact, there's
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such an atmosphere that when people walk into
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other people's offices, people go, I wonder what
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they're talking about. Or you unconsciously think,
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I bet they're talking about me. Here's all I
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can tell you. I've had lots of ups and downs
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in my life. And by the grace of God, I've had
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chances to travel. in countries all over the
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world, and I've had guys in countries where we
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were going to share Christ point submachine guns
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at my head and wonder, oh my, I wonder if we're
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going to make it through this one. But emotionally,
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in terms of turmoil, nothing has been more painful
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in my life than when people have either questioned
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my integrity, slandered my name, really questioned.
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Now, there's times my motives have been lousy,
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okay? Let me just get that on the table. But
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you know the times when they're good and someone
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questions it? Or someone says something about
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you that is blatantly untrue and it starts to
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get broadcast to other people and you begin to
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get this feedback from other people through then
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second sources, third sources, and fourth sources
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that you're really this kind of person or you
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did this or you did that. I can tell you I've
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lost more night's sleep and have felt more angry
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and more hurt than any single thing in all the
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world is when people have by their tongue. attacked
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me or someone that I love. And what we're gonna
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find out is not only why this happens and why
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it happens in the church, why we wound others
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with our words, but I praise God, we're gonna
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learn how to cut this off at the pass, how to
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begin to eliminate this in our relationships
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and beginning with us in our own life. So James
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chapter four, we're gonna look at verses 11.
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and 12, and listen to what James says. He says,
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brothers, do not slander one another. That's
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a command. Now he's going to give a reason. Anyone
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who speaks against his brother or judges him
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speaks against the law and judges it. And now
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he's going to make some logical deductions. When
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you judge the law, you're not keeping it, but
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you're sitting in judgment on it. And then verse
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12, he's going, well, wait a second. You've kind
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of got the wrong job description. There is only
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one lawgiver and judge, the one who is able to
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save and destroy, but you. Put a circle around
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the little phrase, but you, because everything
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so far is in the second person plural. He's talking
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to the church, the church, the church, brothers,
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brothers. In fact, in this translation, it says
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one another. Literally in the text, it's brothers.
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When you do this against one another, the idea
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is in general, but it's brothers. And then now,
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but you is singular. He's now shifting from,
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this is a problem. Literally, the translation
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could be, stop slandering one another. It's in
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the present tense. So habitually, this was occurring
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in this church. He says, stop doing it. And then
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now that's in general. Now the but you is singular.
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Who are you, individual, to judge your neighbor?
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Now to get the spirit of it, you know, I like
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circles and boxes. In verse 11, put a box in
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your notes around the word brother. put a box
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around the phrase one another, then skip down
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to the next line, put a box around the word brother,
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and then go all the way to the bottom and put
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a box around the word neighbor. I mean, there's
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only two verses, but do you see that this is
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a highly relational context that this happens
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among people who are committed and ought to be
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loving and caring for one another? Brother, brother,
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brother. neighbor. And when he talks about the
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royal law, remember in Leviticus when Jesus was
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asked, you know, what's the greatest of all the
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commands? And he talks about loving your who
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as yourself, love your neighbor as yourself.
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Now there's three strong verbs. So I want you
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to put a line under the word slander. And then
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I want you to put a line under the phrase speaks
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against that happens in the second line. And
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then another line under speaks against. So the
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issue he's talking about has to do with brothers,
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neighbors, and relationships. And then he's going
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to use the word slander. And then he's going
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to use this word speaking against. Kata, down
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against, to tear down. Laleo, the idea to say
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or to speak. And then the final thing I want
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you to do, you're going to have to figure out
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whether a box or a circle is going to work, is
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I just want you to notice, maybe you could put
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a number. This concept, he goes brothers, slander.
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Then notice in the second who judges him. Judge,
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put a number one over that. Judges it. Put a
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number two over that. When you judge number three,
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the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting
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in judgment. Put a four under that one. There's
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only one lawgiver and judge. Put a five underneath
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that and skip to the very end and put a six under.
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Who are you to judge? Now, basically what we've
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learned is basic Bible study skills. Bible study
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skills, you want to observe what's really going
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on. What does it say? Then after you do the observations,
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what does it mean? And then you ask, what does
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it mean to me? And so the context, we know brother,
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brother, brother, neighbor, it's a relational
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context. We know it has to do with our speech
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because it's slander, speak against, speak against.
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And then we know there's something having to
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do with the law, but the emphasis has to do with
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judging. We are judging in a way that's inappropriate.
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And this text is going to teach us that there's
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only one true judge. Is that fair from what the
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Bible actually says there? So you're just learning
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Bible study methods. Now let's break it down
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together. As I studied this passage, The first
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outline point for me is it's clear that we're
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commanded to stop tearing one another down by
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our slanderous speech. That's what he's saying.
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If you summarize the command, he's saying stop,
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because it's happening, tearing one another down
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by your slanderous speech. And you say, well,
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what is slanderous speech? The word slander means
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to say something untrue. And that's a decent
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translation. It's maybe not the very best translation
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because this word is... is a little bit more
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than slander. Slander is when I say something
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about someone that's untrue. This word, however,
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has the idea that I could say something that's
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true, but my tone of voice or my motives, I say
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something that's true, but my real goal is when
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I get done saying it, you think less of the person.
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You know how we can say something true about
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a person, but you say it in such a way that,
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well, I mean, for someone with that kind of attitude
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or from that kind of family background and with
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all the other issues they have, you understand,
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right? The word speak against here is a compound
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word. It literally means to tear down, to say
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something negative about another person that
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leaves the impression that this person is less
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than than when you begin to speak about them.
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And so it is the speaking down, the tearing down,
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the defaming. There's a spirit of criticism.
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It's the idea of fault finding. It would include
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gossip. And it often has the connotation of saying
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these things when the other person's not around.
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If you wanted to summarize the idea of what it
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means to not have slanderous speech, it's when
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anything comes out of my mouth about another
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person, and when I get done talking, you think
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less of him instead of more of him. That's what's
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being prohibited. When anything comes out of
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your mouth and you're talking about your boss,
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your neighbor, your pastor, your friend, and
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when you get done speaking, the person who is
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hearing has a lower or more negative view of
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that person. James says, stop it. Strong command.
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Is that clear? The second question is, how is
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slanderous speech commonly practiced? I mean,
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is this just something that happened in the first
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century or does that happen here? And I'm going
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to give you three. Quick examples. For me, there's
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kind of first degree slander, second degree slander,
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and third degree slander. First degree slander
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happens in normal conversation. You don't even
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mean it. It's not willful. It's not intentional.
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It's a coffee break. It's around the office cooler.
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It's in the car. It's around the dinner table.
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And it often happens as you're in the car driving
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from a worship service. And just in casual conversation,
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you say things about another person. And by the
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way, here's the deal. We're going to see this
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in a minute. This is so commonplace among Christians.
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This is so a part of how we think and how we
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operate. It's not like we see something terrible
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and we go, oh, I can't believe I did that. We
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do this so unconsciously when we're doing it
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most of the times and everyone else does it.
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We don't even see it as a big deal. Well, you
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know what? I don't know about you. What did you
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think? Oh, gosh, the music today, it was really
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loud. It was really loud. And, you know, did
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you think, do you really think it's appropriate
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to wear a pink shirt with, you know, purple polka
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dots and lead worship? And did you see Ethel
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up there? Yeah, you know, that blue dress. Someone's
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got to tell her that blue dress just doesn't
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make it with her figure, you know? And what do
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you think? I don't know, five minutes long again.
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You know, I thought we were supposed to get out
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on time. I don't know. Who picks out the colors
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for these hallways? You know, why are we spending
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all the money on, and you know, the elders, I
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don't know what's with these guys, but you know,
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they are so insensitive to just common conversation
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in the car. I can't believe our boss. You know,
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he didn't ask my opinion and then here, did you
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sit in that meeting? Did you see what he said?
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Did you see how he said it? You know, that PowerPoint
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presentation, you know, my fifth grade daughter
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could make a better one than that, you know,
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and. Just a normal conversation. Second degree
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slander is in the form of prayer request. Ooh.
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Someone walks up and it usually starts with,
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I really shouldn't say anything. By the way,
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when someone says that, a good answer is then
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don't. It starts out with, I really shouldn't
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say anything, but so that you can pray. And please
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don't pass this on. But Bob and Judy need prayer.
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Oh, really? Why? Well. They're having troubles,
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you know. I mean, ever since, you know, their
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son that had the drug problem, oh, you didn't
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know about the drug problem. Well, you can pray
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about that too. And so in the form of a prayer
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request, we say things to people that, do they
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pray? I hope so. But their evaluation of that
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person goes down a number of notches. First degree
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is normal conversation. Second degree slander
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is in the form of prayer requests. Third degree
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slander for me is under the guise of getting
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help with a problem relationship. I don't know
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if this has ever happened to you. I've actually
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done this one on multiple occasions, I'm ashamed
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to say. And this is when you've got a real problem
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situation. It's often in the church. It can be
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in a family situation. This happens all the time
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in work situations. And you find a person, and
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you usually have chosen, consciously or unconsciously,
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this person because they're very strategic. Because
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when you get done talking, especially if it's
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going to be a big problem, you want this person's
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view of reality framed. And you want it framed
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through your lens, not the lens of the other
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person. And so what you say is something like,
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you know, I've really got a pretty significant
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problem with Joe. And, you know, I need your
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counsel. See, people always like to give counsel.
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It makes them feel like they're smart and they're
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needed. And so let me define the problem for
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you and let me analyze it. And so, you know,
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in light of his family background and his little
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time with the company and, you know, he's had
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that history you're probably aware of, you know,
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with a temper with other employees. And you see,
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we had this situation. And what I do is I'm.
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Under the guise of asking for help in a problem,
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I frame the problem, I analyze the problem, and
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I become the victim and I share all the dirty
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laundry of the person that I'm supposedly getting
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help for. And what it does is it neatly frames
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the situation so that if there's a political
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big thing that's going to happen at the office,
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I have now taken a power person and they understand
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it from... My perspective. If there's going to
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be a big breakdown with, you know, which part
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of the church is going to be for this pastor,
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which is going to be against. If it's a family
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situation and, you know, it's a mother -in -law
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and it could divide the family, then what I want
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to make sure is everyone understands how lily
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pure I am. And in light of all the different
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things she's done with all the other kids over
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time. And, you know, when she did come out of
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rehab, she probably still has some things she's
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struggling with. But, you know, I believe people
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need good psychological treatment. She's had
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years of it. So I don't know. Maybe it's a relapse.
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Of course, on the medication that she's on, you
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know, it's probably not her fault. You know,
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it's probably an adverse reaction. She's just
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having a bad day. And if I took those many pills,
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then I would probably react that way as well.
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And it's called third -degree slander. And James
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says, stop it. So why do even sincere Christians,
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and this is the deal, why do sincere Christians
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get caught in the web of speaking against each
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other? How could this happen to people that love
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God? And I'll give you two reasons. Reason number
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one is this is where I think we buy the lie.
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And when it comes to relationships, it's very
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subtle. But here's the lie I think that we believe.
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If other people would shape up, my life would
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work out. I have a conflict with my wife, a conflict
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with my boss, a conflict with one of my kids,
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a conflict in a church situation. underneath,
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it's a very subtle lie. If this person would
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shape up, if they would just stop doing this
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and start doing this, if they would just start
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doing this and stop doing that, things will be
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fine. The problem is the other person. And so
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what I have to do is I have to slant it in such
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a way that I say words that put them down and
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words that put me up so that others can really
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see what the real situation is so that person
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can change. See, the problem is the other person.
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The problem is my boss. It's not me. The problem
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is my wife. It's not me. The problem is my, after
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all we've done for our son, he's 17 years old
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and he's doing this. The problem isn't us. We're
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great, loving, amazing parents. It's him. The
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problem isn't me. It's that pastor. Or the problem
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isn't me, the pastor. It's that church. So we
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think it's the other person's problems. And we
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share things with other people like, well, you
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know, my husband being as insensitive as he is.
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He's just not meeting my needs. And you share
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that with a person of the opposite sex to get
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sympathy. And that's how bad things go. Or, you
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know, my wife, you know, I don't know. It's her
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family background. You've got to understand.
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But all she does is nag. She's nagging and criticizing.
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And, you know, my lens, I don't even feel like
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going home anymore. You know, all the while the
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wheels are turning and there's hurts and issues.
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Or, you know, it's my boss. It's his lack of
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compassion. It's his lack of skill. He just doesn't
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have expertise to do the job. Do you see? The
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problem is the other person. You know, it's the
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elders. They're not sensitive. It's the pastor.
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He's got hang -ups. He's not accessible. And
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so what we do unconsciously, and by the way,
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I'm not saying you do it willfully. I'm saying
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unconsciously there is a lie. And the lie is
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there's interpersonal conflict or there is a
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problem and you unconsciously zoom to the solution.
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If that person would shape up, then things would
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get better. And if that's the assumption, you
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will find things coming out of your mouth that
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push them down and position you up. And you say,
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well, why would I do that? I'll give you my reasons
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of why I do it. And if they fit, you can wear
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them. And if they're too convicting, you can
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wear them later. When I find myself doing this,
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it's to cast blame and avoid responsibility.
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When I do this, I often find myself, what I'm
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really doing is justifying my behavior. Because
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if I'm part of the problem, then I've got to
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deal with some of my stuff. Often when I do this,
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people have hit home and I'm afraid I'm going
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to be rejected. And the best defense is often
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a good offense. So if you're afraid that you're
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going to be rejected, what you do is you put
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down the other person first. I found it very
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effective, by the way. Fourth, I find myself
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doing this to mask my insecurity. I mean, I'll
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tell you, your life will get a lot better if
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you can just realize everyone on the planet is
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desperately insecure and they just figure out
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creative ways to mask it like you do and like
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I do. I don't care how old they get, how mature
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they get, how well they know the Lord. We all
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make progress. We're desperately insecure people.
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Final thing that I find myself is I do this to
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get other people on my side. If I see sort of
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a storm cloud brewing and there's going to be
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real problems, I unconsciously begin to drop
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little nuggets that speak down, that are critical,
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that put down, that show people in a negative
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light so that I will be seen in a positive light.
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So when the conflict comes in my mind, in my
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flesh, somehow I'll come out of it a little bit
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better. Now, I hope none of those are your situation,
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but if any of those happen to be things that
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you've ever done, I think that's why we speak
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against, and it has become common in Christian
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circles. This is just a part of the fabric of
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the church. It is now, it was then. Notice, what
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do you have circled in your notes? Brother, one
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another, brother, neighbor. What do you have
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underlined? Don't slander, don't speak against,
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don't speak against. Apparently it's happening.
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So the first reason I think we get caught up,
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we buy the lie. And the second is, just the perverse
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appetite we have for information. Proverbs 26,
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22 says, gossip is so tasty, how we love to swallow
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it. It is so sickening, but we all just love
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to hear yicky stuff about other people, don't
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we? I mean, how in the world, I don't know why,
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you know, one of my great theological educations
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is now and then my wife does not like to grocery
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shop. Now she does it most of the time, but especially
21:46
on my day off. I will go with her because just
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doing things, two things we do together now and
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then, grocery shopping and writing out the bills.
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We both hate to do it. So, you know, she makes
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the list and does it all. But on my day off,
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I'll go and get a little basket and I play a
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game and see how fast I can get all the stuff.
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And to me, that's kind of fun because I like
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a challenge. But my education for the week is
22:05
always when I go through the line with her and
22:07
our appetite for gossip. Do you realize how many
22:11
magazines there are as you walk out of the grocery
22:14
line? that are geared totally toward finding
22:17
out the gossip of the stars. And they sell. People
22:23
want to know. And, I mean, these shocking headlines.
22:25
I mean, how in the world can you say, you know,
22:27
name a star has baby with alien? Boy, I want
22:30
that one. Man, that's going to be great. You
22:32
know? Or you want to know who's broken up with
22:35
someone and who's living with someone else. And
22:37
what? There's something in our flesh that just
22:42
loves gossip. And so we've looked at the passage,
22:47
we've defined the problem, and now as we seek
22:51
to deal with it, this issue of speaking against
22:54
one another, it's multiplied, as I've said, by
22:57
the fact that I think we're oblivious to it.
23:00
See, I don't think Christians are going, oh,
23:02
my lands, that's terrible, it came out of my
23:03
mouth, I've kataleo, I've spoken against, harsh,
23:06
they put a negative light, oh, Jesus, please
23:08
forgive me, I'm sorry. I think we do it. I think
23:12
we do it and it rolls off our tongue and I don't
23:15
think it ever comes to our mind. Let me give
23:17
you a word picture because we're going to look
23:20
at something. I think this can be one of the
23:22
most radical little portions of scripture to
23:24
change you and change me because what's the scripture
23:28
say? If you can ever get a hold of your tongue,
23:30
man, it'll impact your entire life. Imagine if
23:34
you will, five or six little eight or nine year
23:37
olds, okay? I lived in California where there
23:39
was a big reservoir and you could drive over
23:41
the highway and a big, beautiful reservoir that's
23:44
man -made and you could put sailboats on it.
23:47
And these little kids go down, they live near
23:49
the water and they all run down and they're playing
23:52
with them. They make these little tiny boats
23:54
and they blow on them and they have all kind
23:55
of fun. And one of the kids says, hey, look at
23:57
this. And he comes down and he finds a little
24:00
valve. And he doesn't know what it is. And you
24:02
know how kids are. Well, let's try it. And so
24:03
it's old and kind of rusty and they get a stick
24:06
and they get it. And when they just barely open
24:08
it, and when they barely open it, these little
24:10
pink bubbles come out. And it's like, ooh, wow.
24:13
And so they all get all these little pink bubbles
24:15
start coming out. And then a little ooze goes
24:17
into the lake. And it's like, ooh, this is so
24:19
special. This is so neat, you know. And they,
24:21
you know, they smell it and it has kind of a
24:23
weird smell. And actually they get just a slight
24:25
buzz for an eight -year -old. I don't know what's
24:28
going on here. You know, and so they do that
24:30
and that becomes kind of like, this is cool.
24:33
And they become kind of like the pink bubble
24:35
gang. And so they all go down. Hey, what do you
24:37
want to do? And every time they go down, then,
24:40
you know, one of them, you know, they don't want,
24:41
it's a secret, it's a secret club. And the little
24:43
pink bubbles come out and little oozes into the
24:45
lake and they don't think about it, but it's
24:47
really neat. And then when they leave, they put
24:49
it back and go. And then they're sitting around
24:52
the kitchen table. They're only eight or nine
24:53
years old. And this has happened for several
24:56
months now. And their parents, you know how parents
24:59
talk around the supper table? That's parents
25:01
that actually sit at a supper table with their
25:03
kids. Great idea. And as they're sitting around
25:06
the supper table, they're talking about the fish
25:09
are dying in the lake. And we have a number of
25:13
kids that are getting really, really sick. And
25:16
authorities don't know what's happening. They
25:18
suspect there might be something in the water
25:20
system. Now, to these kids, these pink little
25:23
bubbles, they're just having fun. I mean, they're
25:26
not trying to hurt anybody. They're just having
25:28
fun. They look kind of cool. They smell kind
25:29
of good. It's just neat. They actually get a
25:32
little sense, a little buzz, a little reward,
25:35
a little kind of fun from it. They have no idea
25:38
that what they're doing is opening a valve of
25:42
a company that was shut down 45 years ago that
25:45
is pouring toxins into the water. And I think
25:49
that's the average Christian. I think the average
25:52
Christian talks down and even slanders in very
25:57
sophisticated Christian prayer request type ways.
26:01
And they're like little pink bubbles where we
26:03
get a little shot from them and feel important
26:06
because we get information and actually convince
26:09
ourselves that these things are shared really
26:11
to build up and help one another. And what we're
26:13
doing is we're putting spiritual toxins into
26:15
the water system of the body of Christ. And if
26:20
you think I'm overplaying this, let's do some
26:23
investigation. on this passage now? Why is tearing
26:26
others down by our speech and judgmental attitudes,
26:29
are you ready for this? One of the most serious
26:32
sins mentioned in scripture. Underline that,
26:35
will you? One of the most serious sins. I mean,
26:38
you know, we think, you know, it's adultery,
26:39
it's murder. Those are big. I'm telling you from
26:42
God's perspective. Speaking down, slandering,
26:46
leaving people in a negative light is one of
26:48
the most serious sins in all of scripture. And
26:51
then he's going to give us two reasons. Reason
26:53
number one, because it demonstrates total disregard
26:55
and contempt for God's highest command to love
26:59
one another. You say, well, where do you get
27:02
that? Look what the text says. Anyone who speaks
27:05
against his brother or judges him speaks against
27:08
the law and judges it. When you judge the law,
27:12
you're not keeping it. but you're sitting in
27:14
judgment on it. When we speak against or tear
27:18
down or criticize or defame or gossip about someone
27:21
else, what we do is we put ourselves in the role
27:25
of judge. In other words, this is the facts.
27:29
To be a judge, you really need to know all the
27:32
facts, all the circumstances, people's motives,
27:35
their hearts, what came before, what all the
27:37
situations. circumstances could be, and then
27:40
based on all the knowledge and them and the other
27:43
parties, you make a judgment. Who's the only
27:46
person that knows everything about everything?
27:48
God. He says when you speak and tear down people,
27:56
the only way you can tear them down and slander
27:58
them is you have to step back, look at the situation,
28:01
make yourself the judge, the evaluator, the righteous
28:05
one, the all -knowing one, and you... communicate
28:09
this as this is the way it is. And he says, when
28:15
you do that, you speak not only against the person,
28:18
you speak against the law. And when you judge
28:21
the law, he says, instead of you keeping it and
28:24
you doing what God wants you to do and me doing
28:26
what God wants me to do, you're sitting in judgment
28:28
on it. Now say to yourself, well, aren't there
28:31
some times where we're supposed to judge you?
28:33
At Romans 13, civil authorities are to judge
28:36
in civil matters. Aren't there times where we
28:39
should judge? Yes. 1 Corinthians 5 and 6, there
28:43
are times the church has authority to judge in
28:45
doing church discipline. Well, aren't there times
28:48
where there's a problem and I need to address
28:49
it? Yes. Matthew 18, I need to judge, not in
28:53
judging the person's motives or what he's doing,
28:55
but if I see someone who is sinning, my role
28:58
is not to tell anyone else. What's Matthew 18
29:00
say? I go to the person personally. There's a
29:03
novel thought in the church. Instead of telling
29:06
someone else or calling someone else or emailing
29:08
someone else, I go to the person in an attitude
29:12
of love and say, I observe this. I don't have
29:15
all the facts. I'm concerned that your life and
29:18
scripture aren't lining up. And knowing how much
29:21
God loves you and knowing the reputation of Christ
29:22
is at stake, I'm obeying Matthew 18, 15 to come
29:26
to you in love. And if he doesn't respond, you
29:28
go back with the witness, right? If he doesn't
29:30
respond to the witness, you take it to the leaders
29:32
of the church. And there's a real clear way to
29:34
handle that. So there is a role for judging.
29:36
But what this is talking about is this is fault
29:39
finding, condemning, and judgment that condemns
29:41
another as wrong in God's sight. This is judging
29:44
another person's motives with the goal of lowering
29:47
how people look at this person by what comes
29:50
out of your mouth or what comes out of my mouth.
29:54
And what's the royal law? In James 2 .8, he talks
29:57
about the royal law. In Leviticus 19, we know
29:59
the royal law. The royal law is what? To love
30:03
one another. To love one another. The second
30:07
reason is tied very closely to it. The second
30:10
reason is because it reveals that we are in fact
30:12
playing God. You say, wow, now that is serious.
30:16
You mean when I just sort of gossip and say negative
30:19
things about a person as I'm driving home from
30:21
church, you mean that around the water cooler
30:23
when I come out of a meeting with the boss and
30:25
I say negative, critical, harsh, difficult things,
30:27
do you? Yes. It means you're playing God. You
30:32
say, where do you get that? Look at the text.
30:34
There is only one lawgiver. and judge, and one
30:39
who is able to save and destroy, but you, emphatic
30:42
position, singular, who are you to judge your
30:46
neighbor? And he purposely brings that word neighbor
30:49
in because the royal law love your neighbor as
30:52
yourself. We are usurping God's authority and
30:57
his unique role as judge, as lawgiver, when we
31:00
speak against someone else. To judge fairly,
31:03
we must have comprehensive knowledge, know all
31:06
the motives, all the facts, all the circumstances
31:08
that led to the action and the behavior that
31:11
we're critical of, and only God knows that. When
31:16
I begin to grasp how serious this was, I have
31:20
begun to pray, oh God, will you begin to filter
31:25
what comes out of my mouth? In fact, would you
31:26
begin to stop things in my mind before they just
31:30
unconsciously roll off my tongue? Because when
31:33
I just make a little innuendo, when I use a tone
31:36
of voice, when I say something that's, quote,
31:38
just my opinion but I don't know the facts, and
31:41
when I get done and someone thinks less of another
31:44
person, when I've caused their status and their
31:47
esteem and their value to go down, I am kata
31:51
against, tearing down, speaking against them.
31:55
And James says, stop it. You don't think it's
31:58
a big deal, but it's like those pink bubbles
32:01
going into the water system, and it's toxic.
32:04
And reason number one is very, very clear, is
32:07
that when the world is asking, is indeed Jesus
32:12
the Son of God, Jesus said the evidence will
32:14
be what? The way we love one another. And when
32:18
you go to a small group meeting and you invite
32:20
a friend and you're in the car and that friend
32:22
hears you talk about someone else or the small
32:24
group leader in a way that puts them in a negative
32:26
light, I mean, they're a lost person or they're
32:28
a brand new Christian. What are they thinking?
32:30
If that's the way you talk about the small group
32:32
leader someday, some way, someday you'll do that
32:34
to me, right? Why would I want to be a part of
32:37
this group? We become the judge. That's God's
32:42
role. We violate the most and highest. important
32:46
commandment is to love one another when this
32:49
comes out of our mouth. The two most common areas
32:52
I find that this happens in the church is number
32:55
one, the rumor mill, and number two, gray areas.
33:01
I don't know any organization that you can share
33:04
something with one person within three days.
33:06
And if you want to make sure everybody hears
33:08
about it, don't tell anyone. This is highly confidential.
33:13
I mean, those prayer chains, there's times I'm
33:16
thinking, for the real genuine good that the
33:18
prayers do versus how much gossip goes over the
33:20
lines, there's times I'm thinking, maybe we gotta
33:24
just shut some of those down. The second area
33:28
I see is not only the rumor mill when we pass
33:30
on, by the way, gossip is passing on untested
33:33
truth. If you don't know it's 100 % true, don't
33:37
pass it on, and by the way, we'll learn later,
33:38
don't receive it. The other is there are gray
33:41
areas, aren't there, Romans 14? We come from
33:43
different backgrounds. I was sitting with a guy
33:45
who actually, it comes from a family background,
33:48
and they, they make a certain product that in
33:52
this country, many Christians think is not a
33:53
good product. And he says, you know, it's kind
33:55
of weird because obviously this product needs
33:58
to be done in moderation, et cetera. But I was
34:00
at this large church's denomination in Germany
34:03
and actually they serve this product to all the
34:06
leaders and to everyone because, you know, in
34:08
Germany, that's not the problem. In Germany,
34:11
he was saying, but boy, if any of the ladies
34:13
had an earring, man, I mean, they were just unspiritual.
34:16
So we have our backgrounds where certain groups
34:18
think certain things about you worship on this
34:21
day or you worship on that day or you can drink
34:23
or you can't drink. You can drink in moderation
34:24
but never drink this way. You can watch this
34:26
but don't watch that. You can play cards but
34:29
only if the back of the cards doesn't have a
34:31
picture on them. All of our groups, don't we
34:34
have a zillion things? Some groups have the dirty
34:39
dozen, the negative six, the top ten. And Romans
34:43
14 says, if it doesn't violate scripture, then
34:48
let each man be judged according, live by faith,
34:52
and let that person give an account to God. And
34:56
I don't mean we shouldn't have convictions. I
34:58
have very clear convictions on a lot of gray
34:59
areas. I have learned and have come to determine
35:03
there are certain things that I will do and certain
35:06
things I will not do that are gray. I mean, I
35:09
don't have any commands, but those are my personal
35:11
convictions. But what I've had to learn is other
35:14
people who love God more than me may have different
35:17
convictions. And if I disagree with those and
35:20
start talking down about them to other people,
35:23
I've violated the royal law of love, number one.
35:26
And number two, I've judged them. And God says
35:29
in Romans 14, who are you to judge the servant
35:32
of another? Well, let's get to the solution side.
35:35
How do we break the habit of playing God? How
35:37
do we get out of this? It's very clear, very
35:40
simple. But it's going to take a real strong
35:42
conviction from your heart to get there. How
35:45
do we break the habit of playing God? Step number
35:48
one, develop convictions about speaking against
35:51
others. Write the word convictions. I don't mean
35:54
beliefs. I don't mean intentions. I don't mean
35:56
I'm going to really try harder. Develop convictions.
35:59
A conviction is something that's deep in your
36:01
heart and deep in your soul. And you say, of
36:04
all the issues in my life, you have convictions,
36:07
I pray, about lying. You have convictions about
36:10
purity. You have convictions about how you're
36:12
going to raise your kids. Develop convictions
36:14
about speaking against others. Matthew 7, 1 and
36:18
2 says, do not judge or you too will be judged.
36:20
For in the same way you judge others, you will
36:23
be judged. And with the measure or literally
36:25
the basket or the scoop, the size of container
36:28
that you use, it will be measured to you. Now,
36:32
this isn't talking about legitimate judging of
36:34
a church. This isn't about the judging of the
36:36
civil authorities. This isn't about confronting
36:38
someone. This is about the kind of judgments
36:41
where you don't have all the facts and you make
36:43
assumptions and you judge them in your heart.
36:46
But I tell you, look at Matthew 12, verses 36
36:50
to 37. I tell you that men will have to give
36:55
an account on the day of judgment for every careless
36:57
word that they have spoken. For by your words,
37:00
you will be acquitted and by your words, you
37:02
will be condemned. I remember memorizing that
37:05
verse and I got scared. I memorized it in a little
37:09
bit different version. And it goes something
37:12
like this, where it says, you know, but I tell
37:14
you, every careless word that men shall speak,
37:16
they shall render account for it in the day of
37:18
judgment. For by your words, you will be justified
37:21
and by your words, you'll be condemned. Every
37:25
careless word. And all of a sudden, the light
37:28
started to come on. Ingram. I'll tell you what,
37:31
you think there's these like big, big sins and
37:33
this is just a, this is huge. This is huge. I'm
37:38
gonna stand before God. You're gonna stand before
37:41
God. And the careless little words that put people
37:45
down, that tear them down, that are sarcastic,
37:47
that begin to make them be seen in a negative
37:50
light, that plant seeds of distrust and disloyalty
37:54
in other people, that pit people on your side
37:56
and do things that position you. Develop convictions.
38:04
The second thing, step two, ponder the consequences
38:07
of your speech. We touched on this, but I wanted
38:10
to put it right in your notes. Ponder the consequences
38:13
of your speech. Jesus says the very last night
38:16
on the earth, a new commandment I give to you,
38:18
he says to his disciples, love one another as
38:20
I've loved you, so you must love one another.
38:23
It is by this that men will know that you're
38:26
my disciples. How? If you love one another. Jesus'
38:30
greatest commandment is love. His last prayer
38:33
on earth in John 17, Father, make them one, even
38:37
as we are one. I in you and you in me. May the
38:40
world see their what? Their unity. Words that
38:46
build up. Words that are encouraging. Words that
38:49
are inclusive. Words that have to do with we
38:51
are a team. We belong to God. Not words that
38:54
tear down. And so I have thought to myself, It's
39:01
not about even the impact on me. When I bicker,
39:05
when I have backstabbing, when I'm divisive,
39:10
I break God's heart. I break God's heart and
39:16
I undermine the very testimony of the church
39:18
of Jesus Christ. That's why this is so serious.
39:22
Develop convictions, ponder the consequences.
39:24
Third, refuse to buy the lie. Remember that lie?
39:30
That it's someone else's problem. There's a problem.
39:33
This is why it comes out of my mouth. This is
39:34
why it comes out of your mouth. Refuse to buy
39:36
the lie that if someone else would shape up,
39:40
then things would be all right. Notice what it
39:42
says in Romans 2, 3. So when you, a mere man,
39:46
pass judgment on them and yet do the same things,
39:50
do you think that you will escape God's judgment?
39:54
See, it's not their fault necessarily. Maybe
39:57
it's partly their fault. But over and over, if
40:01
so -and -so would do this, then things would
40:02
shape up. You know, if my wife would just do
40:04
this, if my husband would do this, if my kid
40:06
would do this, if our pastor would do this, and
40:08
if you buy that, I will guarantee stuff will
40:11
come out of your mouth that will be destructive.
40:15
Because the assumption is you're the judge. You
40:18
have all the facts. I mean, you would never say,
40:21
I'm the smartest, wisest person in the whole
40:23
world in every relationship. Would anyone just
40:25
raise their hand and say, stand up in this room.
40:27
I just want everyone to know right now, I'm the
40:29
smartest, wisest, most knowledgeable person who
40:31
makes the best decisions about every area and
40:33
every relationship and every circumstance at
40:35
all times. Here I am. No one would stand up,
40:37
would you? But when I judge and believe, that
40:42
the problem is completely the other person's
40:44
fault and then stuff comes out of my mouth, what
40:47
am I doing? I'm by fiat saying, that's what I
40:52
believe about myself. So develop convictions,
40:55
ponder the consequences, refuse to buy the lie.
40:58
Step number four, refuse to let others gossip.
41:03
This is a hard one. I still remember the first
41:07
time I watched this happen in my life. And it's
41:09
still difficult for me. When someone starts sharing
41:12
things that are inappropriate, even in your heart
41:14
when you know it's inappropriate, it's kind of
41:16
like, what do you do? Hey, do you realize you're
41:19
sinning really big right now? Knock it off. No,
41:20
that won't work. You know, you're a really mature
41:23
Christian person that I like a lot, but you're
41:25
acting like a jerk. No, that won't work. Get
41:28
behind me, Satan. No, that won't work. And so
41:32
a lot of times someone is sharing stuff that
41:35
you know is inappropriate and then you find your
41:37
head's nodding. Guess when your head's nodding
41:39
and they're sharing something inappropriate,
41:41
the message you are sending is, keep it coming,
41:44
I agree with this. So you think, oh, okay, I'm
41:47
going to hold my head still and try and change
41:50
the subject. You know what it takes? It takes
41:53
courage. I was in an elders meeting early in
41:58
my... pastoral years, and a godly, godly man,
42:03
a guy named Bill Carter. I'll probably talk about
42:04
him a lot. God brought him to that church to
42:06
teach me how to be a pastor, along with other
42:08
elders. Godly, godly man. And we were as elders,
42:12
you know, I think there was six or seven, and
42:13
we were talking about a situation, and it was
42:15
about a person. And it wasn't a person in our
42:18
church, and it was a very clear situation. And
42:21
the conversation, it was talking just like people
42:22
talk. It was winding around, winding around.
42:25
And I watched Bill get real quiet. And then,
42:28
you know, it was winding around and developing
42:29
and no one, it's like, I mean, no one has a problem.
42:32
These are godly guys. They all love God. We had
42:33
hour of prayer and Bible study before we started.
42:36
We're in the spirit. And Bill says, excuse me,
42:39
gentlemen and everyone, my best understanding
42:44
of scripture, that our discussion of this person
42:47
is inappropriate in that we are not a part of
42:51
the problem, nor are we a part of God's solution.
42:54
And I think the definition of scripture with
42:57
regard to gossip is passing on or dealing with
43:00
information where we're not a part of the problem
43:02
or the solution. You know, maybe it'd be a good
43:04
time to stop and pray for this person and continue
43:06
with our meeting. Now, I mean, you got some power
43:10
players on that elder board, you know, and I'm
43:12
the young pastor going, I don't know if the bullets
43:16
are gonna fly or what's gonna happen, but I'm
43:18
just gonna sit back in my chair and go, I wonder
43:19
what's gonna happen here, you know? And he just
43:22
had the courage. He said it gently. He said it
43:25
lovingly. And, you know, in every dynamic of
43:28
relationship, you have people that are mature
43:29
and have influence and power. And I'll never
43:31
forget probably the other most powerful person.
43:34
I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean,
43:35
it's by maturity and stature. He just turned
43:38
and said, man, thanks, Bill. But we, gosh, guys,
43:43
thanks, Bill. Let's stop right now. And what
43:46
I learned was in a winsome way, when people start
43:49
telling you information, you can kind of put
43:51
up the stop sign and say, you know something?
43:54
I know you probably are doing this from sincere
43:56
motives. So you don't judge them, you know. Maybe
43:59
it's not, but I'll tell you what. I'm not a part
44:03
of the solution and I'm not part of the problem.
44:05
My best understanding of scripture is that you
44:08
need to go directly to that person. And this
44:12
is inappropriate for you to share for the sake
44:14
of Jesus and his church and for the sake of that
44:16
person. So if you don't mind, could we talk about
44:19
something else? And give them an alternative.
44:21
But you know what? When you start doing that,
44:23
it's amazing how... little people will gossip
44:26
around you. And is there an uncomfortable moment?
44:29
Yes. Is there a sting to this person? Yes. Guess
44:31
what? That's good. It's like an antiseptic. It's
44:34
like an antibiotic in the body of Christ. And
44:37
by the way, you do know that every church or
44:39
every group has a, what I call a garbage can.
44:42
There's a person that loves to hear this and
44:45
they keep the lid open and they ask these probing
44:48
little questions and everyone dumps their gossip.
44:51
here's what you always have to remember. That
44:52
garbage can goes to another meeting and then
44:54
they open the lid and they dump it out to other
44:56
places. So be very careful not only how you receive,
45:00
but what you share. Step number five, and this
45:03
is a good one, talk less. I mean, really, this
45:07
is a discipline. Proverbs 10, 19, when there
45:11
are many words, sin is not absent. I like another
45:14
translation. When there are many words, sin is
45:16
unavoidable. But he who holds his tongue is wise.
45:22
Notice what it says. This is a great summary.
45:25
I love it. Here in the living Bible of this passage,
45:27
don't criticize and speak evil about each other,
45:29
dear brothers. If you do, you'll be fighting
45:31
against God's law of loving one another, declaring
45:34
it wrong. But your job is not to decide whether
45:37
the law is right or wrong, but to obey it. Only
45:40
he who made the law can rightly judge among us.
45:42
He alone decides to save or destroy. So what
45:45
right do you have to judge or criticize others?
45:49
Hasn't that captured what we've learned? Wouldn't
45:51
it be great to just memorize that little verse
45:53
or two right there out of the living Bible? And
45:56
can I ask you a question as we close? Is there
46:00
anybody that you realize after hearing this message
46:04
that you need to apologize to? Is there any person
46:08
that you realize you have put in a negative light?
46:11
And this will not be easy, but I mean, it'll
46:14
cleanse your soul. That you may need to write
46:16
a note to, have a breakfast with. or a phone
46:19
call, and what I've learned is it's really hard,
46:21
but I've just gotten to where, you know, hey,
46:23
Bob, this is Chip. I was in a meeting yesterday,
46:25
and you know, brother, I'm really working on
46:28
this, but in that meeting, your name came up,
46:30
and I didn't say anything really bad or harsh
46:33
or this or that, but someone asked a question,
46:35
and it came out of my mouth, and this is what
46:37
I said, and it really cast you in a negative
46:39
light. I've gone back to tell those people that
46:41
I'm sorry, but I felt prompted by God to tell
46:44
you, brother. I want to keep short accounts.
46:47
I'm very, very sorry. It wasn't personal. It
46:49
just sort of popped out of my mouth. And I would
46:51
ask you to forgive me. And I will tell you, when
46:55
you make that a practice, you'll find it's a
46:57
lot easier to say less. You're listening to Living
47:02
on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled,
47:05
Why We Wound Others With Our Words. We're in
47:08
a series called Building Authentic Community.
47:11
And if you missed any parts so far, feel free
47:13
to catch up anytime at livingontheedge .org.
47:17
And subscribe to our podcast, wherever you listen.
47:20
Just search for Living on the Edge. You know,
47:24
every one of those five steps we heard today
47:26
comes down to the same thing this whole series
47:29
keeps circling back to. Love isn't a feeling
47:31
you wait around for. It's a decision you make
47:34
with your words, one conversation at a time.
47:37
Well, that's the entire case behind Chip's book,
47:40
I Choose Love. It's not a feel -good read. It's
47:44
a practical, biblical look at love as an act
47:47
of the will you can start putting into practice
47:49
today. Get your copy of I Choose Love at a special
47:52
price today at livingontheedge .org slash offers.
47:57
You know, we hear from families all the time
47:59
about what changes when teaching like this actually
48:02
takes root at home. One couple wrote in to tell
48:05
us that living on the edge helped save their
48:07
marriage and that more than a decade later, they're
48:10
still listening together. Their 16 -year -old
48:12
son now listens too and is putting the same teaching
48:16
into practice in his own relationships and friendships.
48:19
And friend, as a listener -supported ministry,
48:21
it's your giving that keeps living on the edge
48:24
on the air. Give generously today and help a
48:27
family like that one hear exactly what they need
48:30
right when they need it. Give online at livingontheedge
48:33
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48:39
can also send your gift by mail to Living on
48:41
the Edge, P .O. Box 3007, Sewanee, Georgia, 30024.
48:47
Well, now here's Chip. What we talked about in
48:51
today's message is very easy to grasp intellectually.
48:57
I mean, it's not difficult to say I'm going to
49:00
develop convictions. I'm going to ponder the
49:02
consequences. You know, I'm going to apologize
49:04
if necessary. I'm just going to start talking
49:06
less. I mean, if you really want to get a hold
49:09
of your tongue and if, you know, the scripture
49:11
says if you get a hold of your tongue, your whole
49:12
life will really begin to fall into alignment
49:16
with God's will. But emotionally, my experience
49:19
is what I just talked about. I mean, it feels
49:23
impossible. And part of it is if. The Spirit
49:26
of God is at work in your heart and my heart,
49:29
and we hear this teaching out of James. I can't
49:32
imagine not having some people come to mind that
49:35
you realize part of this is going to apologize
49:38
to them. I mean, at the very end, I talked about,
49:41
you know, literally going to some people and
49:43
talking to them or calling up and having a breakfast
49:46
or writing a letter or a phone call. And here's
49:49
what I have to say is that it is so difficult
49:52
to do this. that you need to grasp the reality
49:58
that often the greatest relationships you will
50:01
ever have in your life will be birthed out of
50:03
a moment of vulnerability when you humble yourself
50:07
and say you're sorry. And this is a bizarre picture
50:10
that came to my mind as I was listening and thinking
50:12
about this message. But I was a little boy about
50:15
eight or nine years old, and we moved into a
50:17
new neighborhood. I had a brand -new cowboy hat,
50:21
and it was felt, and it was really good, and
50:22
I saved up my money. And this kid grabbed my
50:24
cowboy hat, and he put worms in it. I mean, you
50:27
know, it rained, and the worms would come out.
50:29
And he was a lot bigger than me, and so we had
50:32
this fight, and I can still remember. You know,
50:33
it's like a movie, a ring of kids around screaming.
50:36
You know, I'm the tiny little skinny kid, and
50:37
he's kind of the big kid, and he's sitting on
50:39
me. And I can't get him off, and we're fighting
50:41
and fighting and fighting, and some parents come
50:43
out and break us up. And his name was Kevin.
50:47
Kevin became my best friend. That conflict, that
50:51
moment of him grabbing my hat and our parents
50:55
forced us to apologize. Kevin King became one
50:59
of my closest friends all my years growing up.
51:02
And it started out of conflict. You know, when
51:05
you humble yourself, when you go to that person
51:08
and you so fear the things that might happen,
51:12
I will tell you, people feel safe. with other
51:15
people who own their stuff, who humble themselves,
51:19
and with their eyes watering, say, you know something,
51:22
you're my boss, you're my maid, you're my sister,
51:24
you're my friend. I said this about you and I'm
51:27
so ashamed. Will you please forgive me? And I
51:31
will purpose in my heart not to do that again.
51:33
I will tell you, your stock doesn't go down.
51:36
Your stock goes up. And imagine what God can
51:40
do. When grace flowing downhill as you humble
51:44
yourself and own your stuff, would you consider
51:47
making the hard decision and doing what you heard
51:51
God say as you heard the teaching today, even
51:54
though it scares you to death? Well, that's all
51:57
for today. Join us again next time here on Living
52:00
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's program
52:06
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.