Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep26: Peanut vs. Jeff: The Ultimate Roast 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep26: Peanut vs. Jeff: The Ultimate Roast 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: Hey everyone, Peanut Girl, how you good?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: How about you?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm fine.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's good or that's good.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: So you like it here?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love being in DC.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: DC! It's great! And I love this theater, the Warner the Warner Theater, it's fantastic.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: They have a cool website, right?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: They got a link to our website, which is Jeff Dunham.com, and I think it pulled it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: I think that peanut is a host of the Hotstop is there, what's the what?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: The hell is wrong with you?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: We cannot talk at the same time.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: I talk you don't, I talk you don't.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's it! Focus.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: I am so sick of this crap! I have tried going so low.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: What happened?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: Kept falling off this freaking thing and I didn't.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: Why did you interrupt me?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: You mispronounced my name.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: What you mispronounced my last name?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's Dunham.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Now when you look at it, it says dun ham, just dun ham.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: You're the other white meat.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Don't confuse everyone, it's dunham.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: It says dun ham.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you know, when you think about it for three seconds, it's actually jeff fa, dun huff.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: What jeffa?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: You're using an unneeded elf.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: Am I pissing you off?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: You know the weird part is I am actually pissing him off.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: And he would like to kill me, but he will not because that would be a form of suicide.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: You want to kill me?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: No, I don't.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, you do.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, does your wife drive that car?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: The Prius?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, sure.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh good, yeah.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: How's she doing?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: My wife, she's fine.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oh good.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: How's the family?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: They're fine.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh good.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I was just wondering.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks a lot.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's fine.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's fine.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, okay.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: Just wanna make sure.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm concerned.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we're on the road alone.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: We're away from home alone.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Alone alone.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Not exactly that looking.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: Her pride is now.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yours was twenty years ago.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And she's home, right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: I trust her.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: She's then with someone else.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like me.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, come on, you go purple, you never go there.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Well, think about this for a second.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: In a twisted kind of way, all five of us on stage have slept with your wife.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: When you're pissed off and lying there thinking, why did I marry this broad?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: That's Walter.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Ahmed.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: And what is Jose Jalapeno on a stick?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: You're a sick man.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: And here it is, Jose Jalapeno.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Good evening, Jose.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Hola, senor Heath.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's good to see you.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's good to see you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: Could I see a senor Heath?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Excuse me?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: Who the hell is Heath?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: He said Jeff.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, he said Heath.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's the same thing.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Uh no, it's not.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: Jose, what do you say?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: I say senor Heath.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: What the f now he said, Heath.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: It's all the same.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: But didn't you watch Sess in these streets?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: Jeff is Jeff, Heth is Heath, and Cheth is.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: One of these things just doesn't belong here.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Tonight's show is sponsored by the sound.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry, Jose.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: He's okay.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, he's an idiot.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I heard the other day?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: I heard that some folks get something called a coffee enema.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what that is.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to know what that is, and please don't let it ever show up on the menu at Starbucks.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: On the other hand, if you really want to pull an awesome joke when you're standing in line, secretly write it on the chalkboard menu.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Then you get to the register, point to it and say, last time I had that one frozen.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: It gave my butt the shivers.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna open my own coffee plates.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: This could be a whole new line of beverages for me.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: The cafe boute.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: The espresso.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: The crappino.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: The best part of licking up is coffee in your butt.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_02: Stop it! How long have you been like this?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yes! So you're addicted to caffeine.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Is there any way you can get off it?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: I tried a patch, that didn't work.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: I stuck it on my arm, took it off my arm, rolled it up, snoked it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yay! And then I tried some kind of gum, but that didn't work.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Gum.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: Because I got it mixed up with a condom, and that was a big ass bubble that blew right there.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: Lost a shoe.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: No dude, I found one.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck happened?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not flirting.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hate you.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: I guess I know what we're not gonna see on TV.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a professional.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, just kind of got away from me there.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, Peanut.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Stand up.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, stand up.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: You're fine.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: Close your mouth.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Close your mouth.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: Apparently they can understand you and I can't.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_02: Can you close your mouth?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: What how you close your mouth?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: What your hair?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: What your hair?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: What hair?