Latest / Andy Stanley Sermons / Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 2 The Patient Parent

Transcript

Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 2 The Patient Parent · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:00
Speaker 1: So here's something to help launch us into today's topic.
0:02
Speaker 1: I want you to think about this, your parent's behavior.
0:05
Speaker 1: Think about this, your parent's behavior. Your parents' behavior, not
0:10
Speaker 1: their advice, not their advice, determined whether or not you
0:14
Speaker 1: would want to be like them or even with them
0:18
Speaker 1: when you were old enough to choose for yourself. Think
0:20
Speaker 1: about that. It was your parents' behavior, not their advice,
0:22
Speaker 1: not even their parenting skills, that determine whether or not
0:25
Speaker 1: you want to be like them or with them. It
0:28
Speaker 1: was how they behaved towards you. It was how they
0:31
Speaker 1: behaved toward each other. It was what they did, It
0:33
Speaker 1: wasn't what they required. Again, it was their behavior, not
0:37
Speaker 1: their parenting skills, that determine the trajectory of your relationship
0:42
Speaker 1: with your parents. So, and this should give us all
0:46
Speaker 1: a moment to pause. Chances are, your behavior, not your advice,
0:52
Speaker 1: will determine whether or not your children will want to
0:55
Speaker 1: be like you, or whether or not they even like you.
0:59
Speaker 1: Your behavior will determine whether or not your children will
1:01
Speaker 1: want to be you, or even be with you, when
1:04
Speaker 1: they're old enough to decide for themselves. I mean, that's
1:09
Speaker 1: a little scary, isn't it. A similarly in a similar
1:11
Speaker 1: way your parents behavior. Think about this. Your parent's behavior
1:15
Speaker 1: determine how much respect you had or have for your parents,
1:20
Speaker 1: and respect this is important. Respect creates influence. If there's
1:24
Speaker 1: no respect, there's no influence, and odds are the same
1:27
Speaker 1: will be true with you and your children. If you
1:29
Speaker 1: want influence with your children later, and trust me you will,
1:33
Speaker 1: you must maintain their respect now. And the way you
1:37
Speaker 1: maintain their respect is how you Behave more on that
1:42
Speaker 1: in just a bit. We are in part two of
1:45
Speaker 1: this series entitled Parenting in the twenty first Century. So
1:49
Speaker 1: if you are a parent, if you're about to be
1:51
Speaker 1: a parent, you hope to be a parent, maybe you're
1:53
Speaker 1: helping another parent parent, or you're watching your own kid's parent.
1:57
Speaker 1: This is for you, it's actually for anybody who feels
2:00
Speaker 1: the weight and the responsibility of equipping an infant, a child,
2:03
Speaker 1: a teenager, or a student for life. And those of
2:07
Speaker 1: us who were engaged really at any level and helping
2:09
Speaker 1: another human being, you grow up recognize pretty quickly that
2:14
Speaker 1: just because we had a parent doesn't mean we know
2:17
Speaker 1: anything about being one, and just because we were a
2:20
Speaker 1: kid once doesn't mean we know anything about raising one anymore.
2:24
Speaker 1: Than having had a surgery once prepares you for surgery
2:27
Speaker 1: right now. Last week we began by connecting what might
2:32
Speaker 1: be considered two very uncomfortable dots, the dots between marriage
2:36
Speaker 1: and parenting. We discussed the tension between what's real and
2:40
Speaker 1: what's ideal. Then we explored the way that Jesus navigated
2:44
Speaker 1: that tension. He never dumbed down the truth to make
2:47
Speaker 1: people feel better. He pointed to an ideal. He inspired
2:50
Speaker 1: people toward an ideal, but at the same time, he
2:53
Speaker 1: never turned down the grace when people fell.
2:55
Speaker 2: Short of the ideal.
2:57
Speaker 1: Oddly enough, the people who fell short of the ideal,
3:01
Speaker 1: they actually liked Jesus.
3:03
Speaker 2: They flocked to Jesus.
3:06
Speaker 1: They liked him even though they knew they were not
3:08
Speaker 1: really anything like him, and.
3:11
Speaker 2: He liked them back.
3:11
Speaker 1: In fact, the only group, the only group Jesus didn't
3:14
Speaker 1: seem to like, were those who held up the ideal
3:18
Speaker 1: but did nothing to help those who fell short of
3:21
Speaker 1: the ideal. In fact, on one occasion, a group of
3:24
Speaker 1: religious people came to Jesus and they said, Jesus, you
3:27
Speaker 1: hurt our feelings. You hurt our feelings, and Jesus wasn't
3:30
Speaker 1: having it. Here's what he said to them, He said,
3:33
Speaker 1: woe to you. You don't want to ever be on
3:35
Speaker 1: the other end of a woe to you from Jesus.
3:37
Speaker 1: He said, woe to you, because you load people down
3:40
Speaker 1: with burdens they can hardly carry, and you, yourselves will
3:44
Speaker 1: not lift one finger.
3:46
Speaker 2: To help them.
3:47
Speaker 1: In other words, he was saying, you religious leaders, you
3:50
Speaker 1: weigh people down with the ideal, but you do nothing
3:53
Speaker 1: to help them navigate what's real, the realities of life.
3:57
Speaker 2: But Jesus, Jesus was different.
4:00
Speaker 1: He pointed toward and he inspired toward an ideal while
4:04
Speaker 1: helping people navigate what was right there in front of him,
4:07
Speaker 1: what was so real. In fact, his sandals were firmly
4:11
Speaker 1: planted and what was real. But he continually pointed to
4:15
Speaker 1: the ideal. As we said last time, Jesus was all
4:18
Speaker 1: grace and he was all truth all the time. Now,
4:23
Speaker 1: if we're talking about parenting, and if you've read much
4:26
Speaker 1: of the Bible, you know that when it comes to
4:28
Speaker 1: good examples of family, and when it comes to good
4:30
Speaker 1: examples of parenting, there are virtually none to be found
4:34
Speaker 1: in the Bible. In fact, when it comes to examples
4:36
Speaker 1: of real life family dysfunction, the Bible is actually your
4:41
Speaker 1: go to source. It is full of family dysfunction. In fact,
4:45
Speaker 1: apparently even Jesus didn't get along with his own siblings.
4:48
Speaker 2: They thought he was crazy.
4:50
Speaker 1: They thought he was crazy until after the Resurrection, and
4:53
Speaker 1: then there was like a collective Oh well, that explains things.
4:57
Speaker 1: But in terms of learning anything about parents, even from
5:00
Speaker 1: the story of Jesus, the story of Jesus isn't even helpful.
5:04
Speaker 1: But Jesus and the authors of the New Testament pointed
5:08
Speaker 1: the way forward for all of us, and specifically, I
5:11
Speaker 1: think pointed the way forward for parents. And while Jesus
5:14
Speaker 1: never talked about parenting directly, he laid the foundation for
5:18
Speaker 1: New Testament parenting. When he laid the foundation for New
5:22
Speaker 1: Testament behavior. Did I mention that your behavior will determine
5:27
Speaker 1: whether or not your children will want to be like you,
5:30
Speaker 1: with you, or even like you anyway? So Jesus laid
5:34
Speaker 1: the foundation for his follower's behavior when he issued his
5:37
Speaker 1: new Covenant command. We talk about this all the time.
5:40
Speaker 1: He called it his new command, a new command I
5:44
Speaker 1: give you, he said, not to be added to the
5:46
Speaker 1: existing commands. His new command was designed to replace all
5:50
Speaker 1: the existing commands as we've discussed before. The Apostle Paul
5:54
Speaker 1: referred to this all encompassing new command as the law
5:57
Speaker 1: of Christ, the law of Christ, which is to love
6:01
Speaker 1: others as Jesus loved us. Now, one of the things
6:05
Speaker 1: that we're fond of saying around here is that following
6:07
Speaker 1: Jesus will make your life better and will make you
6:10
Speaker 1: better at life, and to the point of this series,
6:13
Speaker 1: following Jesus will make you a better parent, because at
6:17
Speaker 1: the core of being a Jesus follower is an ethic
6:20
Speaker 1: of others first, an ethic of selflessness. And nothing, let's
6:24
Speaker 1: face it, nothing surfaces our self censoredness and our selfishness
6:30
Speaker 1: quicker and fiercer than raising another human being, a human
6:34
Speaker 1: being that comes into the world with one agenda, the
6:37
Speaker 1: same agenda that we came into the world with, and
6:40
Speaker 1: it's this what's in it for me? And I want
6:43
Speaker 1: my way, And if I can't get my way, I'm
6:46
Speaker 1: gonna get in your way and I'm gonna make your
6:48
Speaker 1: life miserable. So think about it. From day one. From
6:52
Speaker 1: day one, the stage is set for a clash of
6:56
Speaker 1: wills of epic proportion, a clash of will that has
7:00
Speaker 1: the potential to bring out the worst in us, the
7:03
Speaker 1: fear in us, the insecurity in us, the anger in us,
7:06
Speaker 1: let's be honest, the ugly in us. In fact, the
7:11
Speaker 1: most shame I've ever felt as an adult is related
7:13
Speaker 1: to my self centered Where did that come from?
7:16
Speaker 2: Responses to my own kids? So here's the thing.
7:19
Speaker 1: It is in the eventual conflict of wills associated with
7:23
Speaker 1: parenting that the core ethic and value system of Jesus
7:26
Speaker 1: it actually becomes more relevant than ever because insecurity and
7:30
Speaker 1: anger and fear, what are those? Those are all manifestations
7:34
Speaker 1: of self preservation and reputation preservation on our part, both
7:40
Speaker 1: of which fuel the very behaviors that drive a wedge
7:43
Speaker 1: between us and our children, behaviors that cause us to
7:47
Speaker 1: lose influence once they're old enough for us to have
7:49
Speaker 1: lost control. In fact, in fact, one of the reasons
7:53
Speaker 1: it is so much easier to know how other people
7:56
Speaker 1: should raise their kids is that their kid's behavior doesn't
8:00
Speaker 1: reflect poorly on us. Our kids behavior points directly back
8:05
Speaker 1: to us and our response.
8:07
Speaker 2: This is so important.
8:08
Speaker 1: Our response is a great deal about who and what
8:11
Speaker 1: we are most concerned about in when we get it right,
8:16
Speaker 1: when we are able to keep our ego and our
8:18
Speaker 1: pride in check. When we're able to respond out of
8:20
Speaker 1: concern for our kids rather than in response to how
8:23
Speaker 1: our kids behavior reflects on us, our response has the
8:27
Speaker 1: potential to create not only teachable moments, but defining moments.
8:32
Speaker 1: And I'll give you an example when I was in
8:34
Speaker 1: the eighth grade, and let me put this in embarrassing context.
8:38
Speaker 2: When I was in the.
8:39
Speaker 1: Eighth grade, which was forty eight years ago. Let that
8:42
Speaker 1: sink in for a moment. Forty eight years ago, I
8:46
Speaker 1: had a conversation with my dad that I still remember
8:49
Speaker 1: to this day.
8:50
Speaker 2: Now. I didn't realize.
8:51
Speaker 1: It at the time, but this was a defining moment
8:54
Speaker 1: in terms of my understanding as a kid of where
8:57
Speaker 1: I stood in relationship to my father's desire to protect
9:01
Speaker 1: his reputation. Now this is important. We should all protect
9:05
Speaker 1: our reputation. My dad was concerned about his reputation as
9:09
Speaker 1: I am, as you are. Our reputations are important, but
9:13
Speaker 1: our children are important as well. Right, These are both values.
9:16
Speaker 1: These are both things that we value. And in life,
9:18
Speaker 1: we're constantly prioritizing our values, and our children are watching
9:23
Speaker 1: and they are experiencing how we prioritize our values. And
9:28
Speaker 1: how we prioritize them, and one misguided response or one
9:32
Speaker 1: misguided remark has the power to undo a lot a
9:36
Speaker 1: lot of affirmation. Anyway, So my dad is a pastor,
9:39
Speaker 1: and at the time, our church was located downtown Atlanta
9:42
Speaker 1: on Peachtree Street, one block north of the famous Fox Theater.
9:48
Speaker 1: But more importantly to this story, our church was located
9:51
Speaker 1: about three blocks east of the Varsity Restaurant. Now, for
9:55
Speaker 1: those of you who have never been to Atlanta, the
9:57
Speaker 1: Varsity Restaurant is the largest restaurant in the world. But
10:03
Speaker 1: not only did it have slots for cars, back in
10:05
Speaker 1: the day, it had what I will call eating rooms.
10:09
Speaker 1: I don't want to say dining rooms. There wasn't a
10:11
Speaker 1: lot of dining going on at the Varsity. These eating
10:14
Speaker 1: rooms were basically full of plastic chairs, all in a row,
10:18
Speaker 1: attached to plastic little tables. Think you know, fifth grader desk,
10:23
Speaker 1: and they're all facing in the same direction toward a
10:25
Speaker 1: television hanging from the ceiling. Now, the Varsity was within
10:28
Speaker 1: walking distance of our church, so right after Sunday school,
10:31
Speaker 1: my best friend Louis Giglio and I would slip out
10:33
Speaker 1: the back head out to the Varsity, order some food,
10:37
Speaker 1: find an empty eating room because most of them were
10:40
Speaker 1: empty on Sunday mornings, and then one of us would
10:43
Speaker 1: risk our lives standing up on the table attached to
10:46
Speaker 1: the chair to manually change the channel of the television
10:50
Speaker 1: to our church worship service, which was broadcast live on
10:54
Speaker 1: Channel five. And then we would sit and talk and
10:57
Speaker 1: eat and pay just enough attention to the sermon to
10:59
Speaker 1: be able to come on it intelligently. On the ride
11:02
Speaker 1: home with our parents, we wouldn't lie exactly, we just
11:07
Speaker 1: deceived anyway. We would have enough information to give them
11:11
Speaker 1: the impression that we were actually in church listening to
11:13
Speaker 1: my dad preach. And that brings me to this most
11:17
Speaker 1: memorable moment with my father. We were driving home from church.
11:21
Speaker 1: It was just the two of us, and I was
11:23
Speaker 1: sitting directly behind him in our green Grand Safari station wagon.
11:27
Speaker 1: You may remember those The third seat faced backwards. Anyway,
11:31
Speaker 1: I'm sitting right behind him, so there's no eye contact.
11:34
Speaker 1: And at some point in the conversation, he said, Andy,
11:38
Speaker 1: Evelyn told me that someone told her that they saw
11:41
Speaker 1: you and Lee Louis leaving church and leaving the church
11:45
Speaker 1: property right after Sunday school and then he paused, Now,
11:49
Speaker 1: Evelyn was my dad's secretary. We had secretaries in those days.
11:54
Speaker 1: When he said that, I didn't say anything. I assumed
11:57
Speaker 1: I knew what was coming next, and I assumed it
12:00
Speaker 1: not be pleasant. And then after what seemed like an eternity,
12:05
Speaker 1: he said something I would never forget. But when he
12:08
Speaker 1: said it, he had no idea I would never forget it,
12:12
Speaker 1: and at forty eight years later, I would still remember it.
12:17
Speaker 1: Here's what he said, he said, and Andy, do you
12:20
Speaker 1: know what I told her? I said, no, sir, he said,
12:23
Speaker 1: I told her, you tell your friend to raise her kids,
12:26
Speaker 1: and I'll raise mine.
12:30
Speaker 2: Silence. That was it.
12:32
Speaker 1: He didn't follow up with but if you and Louie
12:35
Speaker 1: ever skip none of that. He just dropped it and
12:38
Speaker 1: he never brought it up again. And in that moment,
12:43
Speaker 1: I felt drawn in rather than pushed away. I felt important.
12:51
Speaker 1: I felt like my dad sided with me rather than
12:54
Speaker 1: against me. And next week, I'm going to talk to
12:56
Speaker 1: you about how you con side with your kids when
12:58
Speaker 1: you're disciplining your kids.
12:59
Speaker 2: That don't miss next week.
13:01
Speaker 1: Now, I didn't have words for it then, but at
13:04
Speaker 1: a level that I probably couldn't even have understood as
13:07
Speaker 1: an eighth grader. On that day, I knew I was
13:10
Speaker 1: more important to my dad than his public reputation.
13:15
Speaker 2: His ego was in check.
13:17
Speaker 1: He put me first and I felt it, and honestly
13:20
Speaker 1: I still feel it.
13:21
Speaker 2: That was some.
13:22
Speaker 1: Really good parenting. And here's the interesting thing, and this
13:26
Speaker 1: won't surprise you. The next Sunday, Louis and I were
13:30
Speaker 1: on the second row. Now here's the thing. A defining moment.
13:36
Speaker 1: A defining moment is better than a teachable moment. We
13:39
Speaker 1: love teachable moments as parents, but I'm telling you, a
13:42
Speaker 1: defining moment is better than a teachable moment. But they
13:46
Speaker 1: are so easy to miss when our ego is not
13:49
Speaker 1: in check, when our reputation is on the line on
13:52
Speaker 1: what we do and how we respond, how we behave.
13:54
Speaker 1: When our ego is on the line, it leaves a
13:56
Speaker 1: mark for good or for bad. Now, before I get
14:00
Speaker 1: back to what Jesus had to say, one more little
14:03
Speaker 1: ancillary lesson that's related to this particular story. I mentioned
14:06
Speaker 1: that my dad, in that moment, he put me first
14:09
Speaker 1: first as in a head of his reputation. But one
14:12
Speaker 1: thing he and my mom never did. They never put
14:15
Speaker 1: me in the center. My parents never allowed me or
14:19
Speaker 1: my sister to control the family dynamic by placing us
14:22
Speaker 1: in the center. And this is really important, and this
14:24
Speaker 1: is something a lot of parents miss, especially first time parents.
14:28
Speaker 1: One of the best pieces of advice, one of the
14:31
Speaker 1: best pieces of advice Sandra and I received early on,
14:33
Speaker 1: was this.
14:34
Speaker 2: And again when we heard this, we didn't even have kids.
14:36
Speaker 1: They said, you were already a family before you had children.
14:41
Speaker 1: You were already a family before you had children. Your
14:44
Speaker 1: children are simply a welcome addition to something that already exists.
14:49
Speaker 1: This is so important because, let's face it, the gravitational
14:52
Speaker 1: pull is for the child, or for our children, to
14:55
Speaker 1: become the center of a family, and that is a mistake.
14:58
Speaker 1: They are welcome additions, don't make them the main act.
15:03
Speaker 1: So back to where we started. As it turns out,
15:06
Speaker 1: the Ruby red Slippers of parenting, the secret of parenting
15:10
Speaker 1: is actually embedded in Jesus' new Covenant command, a command
15:14
Speaker 1: fueled by a value system of check your ego out
15:17
Speaker 1: the door, just like Jesus did. In fact, on that note,
15:20
Speaker 1: this is so interesting, the apostle Paul says that Jesus,
15:24
Speaker 1: who was in very nature God, did not regard equality
15:28
Speaker 1: with God as something to be grasped or to be
15:31
Speaker 1: leveraged for his own benefit. So if he didn't, we
15:34
Speaker 1: should neither. Clearly, Jesus kept his ego in check, and
15:38
Speaker 1: he had every excuse not to he was God.
15:41
Speaker 2: But anyway, this is a value.
15:43
Speaker 1: A system of others. First, sacrificial love, tough love. If
15:47
Speaker 1: you hate me, so be it love. I will not
15:50
Speaker 1: do anything for you if it's not good for you,
15:53
Speaker 1: because I love you. But the challenge, as I've pointed out,
15:56
Speaker 1: is that when Jesus issued his new Covenant command, he
15:58
Speaker 1: wasn't talking to parents. But fortunately the apostle Paul comes
16:03
Speaker 1: along a few years later and he gives us some handles,
16:07
Speaker 1: some specific application. Basically, his message was this, Here's what
16:11
Speaker 1: the Jesus brand of love looks like in the real world,
16:15
Speaker 1: in real relationships. Here's how love behaves. Here's how love
16:19
Speaker 1: behaves under pressure. Here's how love behaves at home. Here's
16:24
Speaker 1: how love behaves when you're raising your children. Paul supplies
16:27
Speaker 1: his readers, he supplies us with handles. In all of
16:30
Speaker 1: his letters, in fact, all of his one another statements
16:33
Speaker 1: that you'll find scattered around his letters forgive one another,
16:36
Speaker 1: encourage one another, carry one another's burdens, submit to one another.
16:40
Speaker 1: These are all simply applications of Jesus' new covenant command.
16:44
Speaker 1: But his most famous explanation of what the Jesus brand
16:47
Speaker 1: of love looks like and how it behaves is also,
16:51
Speaker 1: I think his most instructive for parents. His most detailed
16:54
Speaker 1: description of what the Jesus brand of love looks like
16:57
Speaker 1: and acts like is found in his first letter to
17:00
Speaker 1: Risians living in Corinth, which is located in Greece. So
17:03
Speaker 1: for the remainder of our time today, we're going to
17:06
Speaker 1: focus our attention on just three words from First Corinthians,
17:10
Speaker 1: three words that summarize one facet of how love behaves
17:15
Speaker 1: and how love should behave at home.
17:17
Speaker 2: So here it is. You're familiar with.
17:19
Speaker 1: This, Paul writes, love is, love is, and again, this
17:25
Speaker 1: is not just any kind of love. This is the
17:27
Speaker 1: Jesus brand of love. This is the brand of love
17:29
Speaker 1: demonstrated by Jesus, and the brand of love that Jesus
17:32
Speaker 1: followers are commanded to follow, even his parent followers, even
17:37
Speaker 1: his step parent followers. I mean, after all, you love
17:41
Speaker 1: your son, right, you love your daughter? Paul says, love
17:45
Speaker 1: is patient, patient? Why did he have to start there, right,
17:53
Speaker 1: and how did he know? I Mean, one of my
17:55
Speaker 1: worst habits when our kids were young was I would
17:58
Speaker 1: say something like this is Sandra. I would say, so,
18:00
Speaker 1: you're gonna be gone in the morning, so you're gonna
18:02
Speaker 1: need me to babysit, right. She'd say, no, you don't babysit,
18:06
Speaker 1: you parent. You're the parent. I'd be like, oh yeah,
18:08
Speaker 1: but it kind of feels like babysitting because it feels
18:12
Speaker 1: like an interruption.
18:13
Speaker 2: I had to stop, I had to slow down. I
18:16
Speaker 2: had to move at someone else's pace.
18:19
Speaker 1: That's what love required of me as a parent, because
18:24
Speaker 1: love isn't pushy, it's patient and Honestly, whenever I read
18:29
Speaker 1: this verse or think about this verse, I always think
18:31
Speaker 1: about this picture. This is a picture of Sandra's dad
18:35
Speaker 1: walking on the beach at Hilton Head, South Carolina, with
18:37
Speaker 1: our middle child, Garrett, when he was obviously very young.
18:42
Speaker 1: Every time I look at this picture, I think two things.
18:44
Speaker 1: I think, number one, grandparents are more patient than parents.
18:49
Speaker 1: And the other thing I think about is this what happens?
18:53
Speaker 2: Think about it? What happens when we refuse to move
18:56
Speaker 2: at another person's pace.
18:58
Speaker 1: And this is Paul's point, Love chooses to move at
19:01
Speaker 1: the other person's pace rather than requiring that person to
19:04
Speaker 1: move at ours. And the reason this is so hard
19:08
Speaker 1: is because patience isn't natural. Your natural pace is natural.
19:13
Speaker 1: But here's Paul's point. Since God moved at our pace,
19:18
Speaker 1: we are to do the same for others, and we
19:21
Speaker 1: are to do the same for our children. If not,
19:25
Speaker 1: what happens, literally, what happens.
19:26
Speaker 2: Think about it.
19:27
Speaker 1: If we insist on moving at our own pace, what
19:30
Speaker 1: happens We separate ourselves. We separate ourselves from our children
19:35
Speaker 1: physically when we're walking, but emotionally and relationally, when we
19:40
Speaker 1: push them beyond their capacity, we separate and we frustrate.
19:45
Speaker 1: It's interesting to me that the only specific thing this
19:48
Speaker 1: is amazing, The only specific thing Paul says to parents
19:51
Speaker 1: about parenting is pertained to this very dynamic and he
19:55
Speaker 1: directs it to no surprise to fathers in a different letter.
19:59
Speaker 1: Here's what he writes. He says, fathers, do not exasperate.
20:03
Speaker 1: Do not exasperate your children. Don't provoke them, don't stir
20:07
Speaker 1: them up. Don't insist on winning, don't insist on out
20:10
Speaker 1: smarting out talking, don't push too hard, don't move too fast,
20:14
Speaker 1: He says. If you do, here's the end result. You
20:17
Speaker 1: will be separated. They will be discouraged. They'll be discouraged,
20:22
Speaker 1: they'll be disheartened. They eventually just lose motivation.
20:26
Speaker 2: They'll just stop because they can't keep up, and again
20:30
Speaker 2: the result, separation. Again. How did Paul know?
20:33
Speaker 1: Then? How interesting and yet maybe not surprising that he
20:36
Speaker 1: didn't address this to moms and.
20:38
Speaker 2: Dads, just me, just fathers. Love this patient.
20:43
Speaker 1: Now, I know some of you are thinking, I understand
20:45
Speaker 1: this because I think and I thought the very same
20:47
Speaker 1: thing you're thinking. But Andy, okay, look Andy, that's great.
20:49
Speaker 1: I'm glad that's in the Bible. But if we don't
20:51
Speaker 1: push our kids, if we don't expect more of them
20:54
Speaker 1: than they expect of themselves, if we don't ensure they
20:57
Speaker 1: reach their maximum potential, then well well well then they
21:02
Speaker 1: may not turn out to which I would say to you,
21:04
Speaker 1: turn out what In fact, i'll finish the sentence for you.
21:08
Speaker 1: Then they may not turn out the way you want
21:11
Speaker 1: them to turn out. They may not become what you
21:17
Speaker 1: want them to become. So let's pause and think.
21:21
Speaker 2: About this for a moment. Is that really is that
21:26
Speaker 2: really what you want.
21:29
Speaker 1: Wouldn't it be better to discover what they were born
21:31
Speaker 1: to do, who they were born to be, and facilitate that.
21:37
Speaker 1: That's what great parents do. I have never met a father.
21:40
Speaker 1: I have never met a father. I'm sure they're out
21:42
Speaker 1: there somewhere, but I've never met a father who wished
21:45
Speaker 1: he had been harder on his children. I've met plenty
21:49
Speaker 1: of fathers who have little to no relationship with their
21:52
Speaker 1: adult children because they were so insistent that their kids
21:55
Speaker 1: become what they failed to become themselves, or because they
21:59
Speaker 1: felt like their kids were going to fail to.
22:01
Speaker 2: Become what they had become.
22:04
Speaker 1: So inspire your kids, of course, motivate, of course, push
22:08
Speaker 1: to the point of exhaustion and frustration. No, compare and shame. No,
22:14
Speaker 1: because parents, that's about you, that's not about them. Let's
22:19
Speaker 1: not kid ourselves. Besides, this might help. Do you know
22:23
Speaker 1: what the number one predictor, the number one predictor of
22:25
Speaker 1: relational and professional successes? The number one predictor not just
22:30
Speaker 1: professional success. And again, as parents, sometimes we get really
22:32
Speaker 1: focused on that. But do you know what the number
22:35
Speaker 1: one predictor of both relational.
22:37
Speaker 2: And professional successes?
22:39
Speaker 1: Self awareness, which is the cousin of emotional intelligence, which
22:46
Speaker 1: results in personal security as opposed to insecurity. And do
22:50
Speaker 1: you know what the number one contributing factor is to
22:53
Speaker 1: a person's security, their EQ, their self awareness, their home life. Now,
23:00
Speaker 1: this week I told you that one of the advantages
23:01
Speaker 1: that Sandra and I had was that my job allowed
23:04
Speaker 1: us to get to know some amazing parents, some parents
23:06
Speaker 1: who maintained really great relationships with their kids all the
23:09
Speaker 1: way through middle school and high school and beyond. And
23:12
Speaker 1: one dad in particular, his name was Don, gave me
23:15
Speaker 1: some great advice. Actually it wasn't advice. He just told
23:18
Speaker 1: me a story about he and his son that I
23:20
Speaker 1: took his advice. And again you're going to think I'm
23:22
Speaker 1: making this up. This was long before we even had kids. Anyway,
23:26
Speaker 1: His son, also Don, had just graduated from high school
23:30
Speaker 1: and was starting college, and his dad told me about
23:32
Speaker 1: a conversation he had with little Don as he was
23:34
Speaker 1: headed off to school. Now, like most high school graduates, Don,
23:38
Speaker 1: his son had no idea of what he wanted to
23:40
Speaker 1: do when he grew up, so his father was helping
23:43
Speaker 1: him make the transition. And during the transition he said
23:45
Speaker 1: to his son, he said, Don, look, whatever you want
23:48
Speaker 1: to do with your life. I'll support you and I'll
23:50
Speaker 1: use my influence to help you any way I can.
23:53
Speaker 1: But until you know what you want to do, will
23:55
Speaker 1: you trust me to point you in a direction so
23:58
Speaker 1: that you go into college with direction and look, the
24:02
Speaker 1: moment you figure out what you want to do, all
24:04
Speaker 1: bets are off. I'll just support you in whatever you
24:06
Speaker 1: want to do. But will you at least take my
24:08
Speaker 1: advice and let me direct you going in point you
24:11
Speaker 1: in a direction? And his son Don said sure. Now,
24:13
Speaker 1: of course, the fact that his son would take that
24:15
Speaker 1: kind of advice from his dad said a lot about
24:17
Speaker 1: their relationship. Anyway, they were one of the families that
24:20
Speaker 1: we paid close attention to. So he suggested that his
24:23
Speaker 1: son Don begin go to go to college and pick
24:27
Speaker 1: a business major. And he told him specifically what he
24:29
Speaker 1: thought he should focus on in business school, and he said,
24:32
Speaker 1: you should go into business school with the goal of
24:35
Speaker 1: going to law school, based on Don's aptitude and his personality,
24:40
Speaker 1: but not necessarily his interest at the time. So that's
24:44
Speaker 1: what his son did. He went to college, he majored
24:46
Speaker 1: in business, he finished college, he got into law school,
24:49
Speaker 1: and today he's a very successful attorney in the Atlanta area.
24:53
Speaker 1: Now again, this was before we even had kids, and
24:56
Speaker 1: when he told me that story, I thought, that is
24:58
Speaker 1: such a great approach. You know, you choose, but until
25:02
Speaker 1: you choose, will you trust me to choose for you?
25:05
Speaker 2: So no, lie.
25:06
Speaker 1: Twenty years later, my oldest son, Andrew is headed off
25:10
Speaker 1: to college with no idea of what he wants to
25:13
Speaker 1: do and little idea of what he wants to major in.
25:15
Speaker 2: So I gave him Don's speech.
25:17
Speaker 1: I said, Andrew, will you allow me to point you
25:19
Speaker 1: in a direction until you know what you want to do?
25:22
Speaker 2: And he said sure.
25:24
Speaker 1: And I suggested he get a finance degree, based on
25:27
Speaker 1: again his aptitude, but not necessarily his interest.
25:31
Speaker 2: At the time.
25:31
Speaker 1: I just felt like that would set him up for
25:33
Speaker 1: a variety of opportunities later on. And I assured him, Hey,
25:36
Speaker 1: if you change your mind after your freshman year, or
25:38
Speaker 1: you change your mind midstream, no problem. I just want
25:42
Speaker 1: you to go in with a direction in mind. So
25:44
Speaker 1: that's exactly what he did. He stuck with it. He
25:47
Speaker 1: graduated with a finance degree, and right out of college,
25:49
Speaker 1: he landed a great job. Then, after about a year
25:55
Speaker 1: of working there, and some of you know this, he
25:58
Speaker 1: started going to comedy club at night, and before long
26:01
Speaker 1: he was on stage doing comedy for twenty bucks and
26:04
Speaker 1: a burger. And then after a couple of years of that,
26:07
Speaker 1: we had the talk, not that talk, we'd already had
26:11
Speaker 1: that talk. We had the talk where he said, Dad,
26:14
Speaker 1: I really like my job, but I want to quit
26:16
Speaker 1: my job and do stand up comedy full time. And
26:20
Speaker 1: I said, Andrew, I did not pay out of state
26:24
Speaker 1: tuition for four years, so you could just throw it
26:27
Speaker 1: all away on some hair brained idea that isn't going
26:29
Speaker 1: to pay the bills. Besides, what are people gonna think
26:32
Speaker 1: when they find out that my son, No, I didn't
26:35
Speaker 1: do that, Because my responsibility is his father isn't to
26:40
Speaker 1: decide what he does with his life. My responsibility is
26:43
Speaker 1: to put my weight behind what he decides to do
26:47
Speaker 1: with his life. It's his life. Besides, that was the deal.
26:52
Speaker 1: And honestly, it was pretty easy for me and Sandra
26:55
Speaker 1: because that's the way we'd been parenting all along.
26:58
Speaker 2: It's what we saw others great parents do.
27:02
Speaker 1: But maybe more importantly than that, that was really the
27:05
Speaker 1: way that both of us were parented. If I heard
27:08
Speaker 1: it once, I heard a thousand times from my dad,
27:11
Speaker 1: Andy All I expect from you is that you do
27:13
Speaker 1: your best.
27:14
Speaker 2: All I expect is that you do your best. And
27:17
Speaker 2: did I always do my best?
27:19
Speaker 1: No?
27:20
Speaker 2: But I do now.
27:22
Speaker 1: Love is patient. Love is patient. Love is not pushy.
27:28
Speaker 1: Love does not exasperate. Love doesn't drive a wedge. Love
27:32
Speaker 1: doesn't allow ego and reputation to dictate the tone or
27:36
Speaker 1: the pace of the relationship. Love picks up on someone
27:39
Speaker 1: else's natural, patient rhythm and adjust their pace and rhythm accordingly.
27:44
Speaker 1: And love, because of patience, maintains influence all along the way.
27:51
Speaker 2: Love is patient.
27:53
Speaker 1: So a couple of questions as we wrap up today's episode.
27:58
Speaker 2: Who who feels rushed by you?
28:03
Speaker 1: Who feels unnecessary, maybe even unhealthy pressure when you walk
28:08
Speaker 1: into their room, when you walk through the front door.
28:11
Speaker 1: Who are you driving away in your effort to bring
28:14
Speaker 1: out their best?
28:15
Speaker 2: And what would it look like? You don't have to
28:17
Speaker 2: commit to this, just think about it. What would it
28:19
Speaker 2: look like?
28:20
Speaker 1: What would it require from you to adjust your pace
28:24
Speaker 1: to theirs? And I know for somebody watching today that
28:27
Speaker 1: scares you to death, But let me tell you what
28:30
Speaker 1: you should fear more, losing a relationship.
28:33
Speaker 2: With your child now or your child later.
28:38
Speaker 1: What would it take what would it look like to
28:40
Speaker 1: adjust your pace to theirs. That's what love, That's what
28:45
Speaker 1: the Jesus brand of love requires of you. It requires
28:50
Speaker 1: us to tame our pride. It requires us to protect
28:53
Speaker 1: our children rather than always trying to.
28:56
Speaker 2: Protect our reputations.
28:58
Speaker 1: And then there's this if you live long enough, If
29:03
Speaker 1: you live long enough, you're gonna slow down. You're gonna
29:07
Speaker 1: need those around you to adjust their pace to your
29:10
Speaker 1: new pace. It will require patience from those that you
29:15
Speaker 1: love the most and those that you hope love you most.
29:18
Speaker 1: So I hope you raise patient children, children who've seen
29:22
Speaker 1: what it looks like to adjust their pace to the
29:24
Speaker 1: pace of those they love. Just something to think about,
29:29
Speaker 1: and we will pick it up right there next time.
29:31
Speaker 1: In Part three of Parenting in the twenty first Century,