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Monday Mini: Platonic Marriage · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I've never told your production of iHeart Radio. Any I
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: have a question. Okay, when you were a kid, did
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you fantasize or even plan your wedding? Yes, yeah, I
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: knew it. Tell me that I did. I did. Oh,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: I had a whole journal, and I drew the dress
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: that I wanted, and I had like, not the specific venue,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: but the kind of location in mind. But I wanted
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: it to look like I had like songs that I
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: wanted played and dances I wanted. Um, I had kind
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: of this vague vision of how I wanted the guy
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: to look, and you know, I would I would dream
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: about it. I would dream that I was so in
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: love and so happy. I would run down the aisle
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and I cry and cry and cry of happiness. Just beautiful.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: I really wanted a short dress, not like short short,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: but like me length, because I really wanted to dance.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to be held back by any long dresses.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: That kind of wanted like colorful flower little accompaniments. So yes,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: But but yeah, I mean you're not the only one. Obviously,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I did not necessarily plan my wedding. Um, but I
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: was in a lot of them, so I learned from
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: them what I didn't want, and by the time that
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I was in high school, I was like, if I
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: do get married, it will not be a large wedding.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I remember to the point that my mom was like,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: just invite us as in the parents, and I was like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: Like that was so good of it. But because I
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: had been in so many weddings as a kid, I
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: was miserable. I was like, I'll never do it again,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: which is hilarious because I'm like, wow, I was jaded
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: at twelve. Cool, right, Well, we are talking about marriages
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: and weddings today and we're talking about a different type
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: of relationship all around, which is platonic marriages. Anything you
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: know much about platonic marriages before we started talking about this, No,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: not at all. Actually, um, I don't think I even
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: heard that term. I've heard political marriages, which I think
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: is something similar. And then a while back past host
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: did an episode on Boston marriages, so I knew a
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: little bit about that, but no, not really, not about
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: platonic marriages. Well so, and I've heard of things such
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: as like the political as well as a marriage of convenience,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: arranged marriages, and these are all different types. But what
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: we're talking about when we're talking about platonic marriage, well,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: according to bride dot com, is actually a legal union
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: based on spiritual connection or practical love rather than a
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: sexual or romantic love. And another site actually described it
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: as a wedding without the sexual relationship. And according to
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: relationship experts Amy Linting him and Rachel Sussman, who are
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: both some kind of counselors or some type of professionals
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: in that level state quote, platonic marriages are when people
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: that are friends who are not sexually involved, decide to
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: make a commitment in a marriage for life with each other.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: And I thought that was interesting because there's been a
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: few articles that have come out talking about this kind
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: of arrangement. And Annie, I know we've talked about this
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: a lot, just how the pandemic and the quarantine has
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: affected women altogether. But according to one research from science
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: direct dot com, women were more likely to experience increased
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: feelings of loneliness than men. And of course people who
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: have low self esteem also are gonna fill these types
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: of feelings, I guess. And as one couple reported that
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: having the connection in the commitment without the complexities of
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: sex and romance lingering over them. They felt connected and
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: able to more openly communicate and felt fulfilled. So there's
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: this whole conversation that maybe we're talking about this more
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: because of that connection, and it's not new. Actually I
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: thought it was. I was like, oh, but it's just
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: more that people are coming out and talking about it.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that's the whole thing about us talking
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: about sexuality a little more and about relationships and about
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: being a little more open to understanding. There's some fluidity
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: to it all, which is nice, but there aren't just
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: open about it. They're actually encouraging for a lot more
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: people to come and kind of consider this type of
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: lifestyle and they could be looking into something that's a
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: committed relationship again without the backlash of the sex and
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: the toxicity that a heteronormative relationship may bring. And I
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: thought it was really interesting because you and I've talked
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  Speaker 1: about this before, how we want to do a commune right, Yes,
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  Speaker 1: And the whole idea is like, because we want companionship,
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  Speaker 1: but it's not necessarily that we want marriage with our
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: romantic partner. And I was like, huh, yeah, this could
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: be a good solution. Again, it's not new, as in fact,
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  Speaker 1: it's been around possibly from the fifteenth century and even
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: further beyond. But at that point it was referenced as
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: a more platonicus, meaning again platonic love and how it
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: kind of elevates beyond the realm of just the physical
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: and it goes into the spiritual. And I was like, oh,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: that's nice. And even to the point that the Catholic
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Church approved of this type of union, uh, and it
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: was called something like justified union. So I'm like, oh,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: which we do know people are really really really scared
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  Speaker 1: of sex, so that could be a whole different connotations.
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  Speaker 1: But for people like yourself, when we talk about the
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: fact that you are a sexual and it's not so
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: much that you're not sexual being, but you just don't
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: want to have that type of relationship with someone at
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: this point in time. And for me, who doesn't not
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: necessarily associate long term commitment with sex either, so that
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: that kind of blows my mind. But I am really really,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: really really great at having friendships. You are, you know
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  Speaker 1: what I mean? Though, that's kind of that whole level
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  Speaker 1: of like huh um. And of course there's no such
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: thing as a perfect relationship again, because I've lost friends
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: and we've had friendships die because we weren't able to communicate.
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  Speaker 1: We just got angry with each other and just left
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  Speaker 1: it at that, and it just didn't feel like it
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: was worth fighting for, which is the whole process of
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: any relationship. But being open and having that bond in
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: this friendship when you are really really tied together, maybe
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: you can make for a successful partnership. Um. And I
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: didn't want to talk about some of the benefits in
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: this and about our own experiences because I'm not necessarily
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: thought about doing a platonic marriage because anything legal, yeah,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: like that seems really like yeah, but here's some of
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: the benefits one not wanting a romantic relationship, but do
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: want stability with a partner they trust and more flexibility
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: in their lives. And I think I could see that
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: in that I live pretty far away from my parents. Mhm.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: So when you have to have that emergency contact, who
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: do you use? Right, you have to decide like, Okay,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: maybe this is kind of that stability that you want
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: and having someone being able to be there to help
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: execute and who understand what you want. Yes, And then
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: There's another thing is they want to raise children and
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: co parent with a person, but not necessarily a romantic partner.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: And of course there's this back and forth in general
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: about out the whole being a single parent and the
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: benefits and the backlash of that. So having someone to help,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: especially when you're living by yourself and or living in
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: an area that again you don't have that support system
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: such as your family. Right. Another one, and I think
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: it's a really good one because you talk about this
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  Speaker 1: a lot, taking care of each other in our old age. Right.
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  Speaker 1: And then the third I've thought about a lot because
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: it's taken me thirty you know, probably thirty seven years
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: before I could live by myself financially splitting expenses and
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: with the fact that our income has not increased as
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: in like the minimal wage in the past fifteen years. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's almost impossible when the cost of living is so
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: high to live by yourself. Yeah. I love that we're
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: having these conversations because for so long, I feel like,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: especially for me that kind of came from a sheltered town,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I only saw one type of relationship and this is
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: the one, and it's your nuclear family, heteronormative relationship. But
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: now I'm seeing a bunch of people. And of course
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: now I live in a liberal city and I have
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: pretty liberal friends. But I'm hearing conversations about like polyamorous
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: relationships or things like this, like what I would in
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: heavy quotes call is like traditionally non traditional relationships, which
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: is nice because for most of my life I didn't
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  Speaker 1: know these were options. I didn't know that these were things.
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  Speaker 1: So it's like making me question, you know, do I
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  Speaker 1: want that? Maybe I don't, but maybe I do, And
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  Speaker 1: now I'm at least thinking about it, which is nice.
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  Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of interesting thoughts about different
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: types of relationships I might be okay with lately, which
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to talk about in an upcoming
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  Speaker 1: happier or But but we've had discussions like this among
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: my friend group with the commune of like, yeah, it
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  Speaker 1: would be nice to have kind of a relationship where
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  Speaker 1: you're living. You're living with someone, but you have your
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: own separate space. Also important to me, but you have
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  Speaker 1: that camaraderie and companionship and that, yes I'm getting older,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: in case something happens, like somebody will be there. And then,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: as I said in my last relationship, I was pretty
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: happy and that's kind of what we had, right, But
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  Speaker 1: of course he wasn't happy, so that's totally cool, but
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  Speaker 1: I was. And so I was like, Okay, this is
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  Speaker 1: kind of what I'm looking for, which is a companion
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  Speaker 1: that I can have fun with and do stuff with,
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  Speaker 1: but there's no like pressure of sexual or romantic side
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  Speaker 1: of it. And I have had friends talk to me
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: about like political marriages in particular, and like saying, oh,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: my therapist brought up political marriages as an option. I'm like, wow, right,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: just yeah, and yeah, you're not the only one. They
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: talk about the fact that there are a lot of
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: couples who come in as assist head a normative couple
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: because of the romantic involvement, but then it grows into
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: this platonic level, and of course, yes it can be unhealthy,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: but it can also be healthy. And we also see
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: it when we have things like when one part of
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: the couple realizing that they are not necessarily just straight
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: or you know, heterosexual, but they are you know, one
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  Speaker 1: of the l g B d Q and and really
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  Speaker 1: lost themselves and trying to be what they quote unquote
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: really was normal, and then trying to figure that out,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: but at the same time, do caring about their partner
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: and their partner caring about them still even though the
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: relationship has changed, and them remaining in it because it's
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: still it's okay and it's healthy with it healthy for them.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: And I was seeing couples who do this with children,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: of course, doing this unhealthily, being like they feel like
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: they've forced into it. Not a great idea, but being
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: into a place where like this actually can work and
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: it's healthy. Why not, And that there's a lot of
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: conversation about these benefits being pretty great, and the fact
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: that because it is newer, there's not any standard, so
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: you can talk about it as you go and you
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: could fix it as you go. The one couple that
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: has been written up a lot because they got married
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: this year, they talk about the fact that they do
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: share beds, but there's no sexual attention. They might cuddle,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: but that's just a friendship that level thing. And they
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: have a foster kid and and they care for them
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: and they share their responsibilities, and yeah, they might go
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: on dates, but it's okay because again they know exactly
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: what that is and and that what they are expecting
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: from each other. And who they come home to and
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: who's allowed who's not allowed without the awkwardness. So I'm like,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: oh why not, And yeah, especially when we have the pandemic,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I will say, like my partner now are romantic and
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: we are really good together in that, but part of
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: that is that companionship of being able to eat together,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: being able to share a show together, of being able
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: to sit next to each other while no one else
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: you know is around, and then being selective who we are,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: but not being completely lonely the entire time. So it
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: was it was the sub balance and seeing during the pandemic,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: You're like, yeah, this, this could be a lot of benefits.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: Not to say that you can't have that with your
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: roommate and you don't have to to be that far along.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Of course, this is the level of a commitment that
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: is a whole different conversation now that a great relationships
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: with the past roommates mm hmm, But of course this
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: is not that same level. In this kind of like, huh,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: why not if you feel like that's how you are
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: and the relationship goes beyond just friendship and that when
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: you say best friends forever, this is a whole new
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: level yeah, I think. I mean because there's a commitment
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: involved in here, right, But there's plenty of I have
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: many best friends, and I feel like, you know, I
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: am committed to you, like whether or not we're going
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: to take that next step, right, but it is like
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: I hope we will be best friends for life. And
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: so it's kind of like, you know, the commitment's already there,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: and it's just if you want to make it legal,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: make it legal, make it legal. But yeah, you can
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: definitely rewrite since it's it is newer in our more
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: common like understanding of it. That is nice that you
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: kind of have to have those negotiations or discussions around
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: it and you can make it or build it in
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: a way that works for the people in the relationship, right,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: And I love it. Yes, big fans, well listeners. If
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: anybody is in a platonic relationship, please let us and know.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: You can email us at stuff Damil stuff at i
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: heeart media dot com. You can find us on Twitter
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: at Momsta podcast or on Instagram and stuff I've never
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: told you. Thanks, it's always to a super producer Christina,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: who is amazing as well. Yes, and thanks to you
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: for listening. Stuff I never told you protection of iHeart Radio.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: For more, podcast on iHeart Radio is the heart radio app,
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  Speaker 1: Apple podcast all ready listen to your favorite shows. Oh,