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How to do a Daily Parenting Debrief · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode 231.
• 0:09
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens.
• 0:17
  Ben: So they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:25
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  Ben: Hello, welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:36
  Ben: Thank you for being here.
• 0:39
  Ben: Now, if you're like me, you have at least one teenager.
• 0:43
  Ben: I actually have two and you've probably noticed that some days parenting teens is super easy.
• 0:53
  Ben: And other days it feels like parenting teens is way harder and they just kind of give you a run for your money.
• 1:00
  Ben: And I want you to know that's okay.
• 1:03
  Ben: It's okay.
• 1:03
  Ben: If sometimes you feel like a parenting genius and a parenting expert, and you feel like, dang, I'm doing this awesome.
• 1:12
  Ben: And it's okay.
• 1:13
  Ben: The very next day, or often sometimes even the very same day, you feel like, man, I am doing nothing right.
• 1:21
  Ben: I'm a terrible parent.
• 1:22
  Ben: I want you to know that's okay.
• 1:25
  Ben: It's okay to be imperfect.
• 1:29
  Ben: So I just wanted to give you that public service announcement.
• 1:32
  Ben: If you are doing your best as a parent, that's okay.
• 1:36
  Ben: All that we can do.
• 1:38
  Ben: So keep up the good work today.
• 1:41
  Ben: We are going to be talking about a daily parenting debrief.
• 1:48
  Ben: Now, this is a practice that I've recently started doing, and I feel like it's helped me really uplevel my awareness when it comes to my parenting, but also.
• 2:00
  Ben: To improve my parenting skills.
• 2:03
  Ben: So last week we talked about resetting your parenting thermostat, and we talked about how your old programming is driving your parenting and that no matter.
• 2:18
  Ben: What you try and change, if you don't change the preset on your parenting thermostat, nothing is going to change.
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  Ben: Well, this week I'm giving you a simple tool to help you reprogram your parenting thermostat.
• 2:36
  Ben: And that tool is.
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  Ben: Your parenting debrief.
• 2:41
  Ben: So what is a parenting debrief?
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  Ben: Well, it's a simple exercise to help you bring awareness to your parenting.
• 2:50
  Ben: And if you do this right, it will help you better understand your strengths as a parent and also your weaknesses, the truth is.
• 3:00
  Ben: Most parents simply do not have the awareness when it comes to their parenting to be intentional.
• 3:09
  Ben: Awareness precedes intentionality, and you can be intentional about something that you're not aware of in the first place.
• 3:19
  Ben: I remember one of our first foster kids was like, man, I am the best at sports.
• 3:24
  Ben: Well, he thought he was, he didn't have any awareness to some of the skills that he didn't have.
• 3:32
  Ben: And he came into a really sporty family and real quick, we're like, Oh man, you are not as good at sports as you think you are, but then we're able to help him develop some of those skills.
• 3:42
  Ben: Um, this, I see people all the time, watch like NBA stars and they're like, seriously, they get paid millions of dollars.
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  Ben: I could do that.
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  Ben: And then I go watch them try and do a reverse layup under the backboard.
• 3:56
  Ben: And they're like, Oh dang, turns out that's harder than I thought.
• 4:00
  Ben: You have to have awareness before you can be intentional when it comes to your parenting.
• 4:06
  Ben: So, a parenting debrief is simply a process to help you gain awareness when it comes to your parenting.
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  Ben: For me, there are two main types of parenting debriefs that I like to do.
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  Ben: The first one is an internal debrief.
• 4:26
  Ben: Now, this debrief is done internally, like the name would suggest.
• 4:31
  Ben: I usually do it in my mind or on paper.
• 4:35
  Ben: And when I do this internal debrief, I simply review a specific parenting document.
• 4:41
  Ben: Moment or situation, or maybe I'll do it at night before I go to bed and I'll try and review the whole day.
• 4:49
  Ben: But basically I'm reviewing in my mind how I handled myself as a parent.
• 4:56
  Ben: I typically look at my ways of being, how is I thinking, how is I feeling, how's my behavior as in how is I acting and what results.
• 5:08
  Ben: Did I create, I like to use variations of the be, do have model and the self coaching model, because this helps me go through a step by step process in the self coaching model.
• 5:21
  Ben: I can see, oh man, I was thinking this, which made me feel this way, which made me behave this way, which is why I ended up creating these results in the be, do have model is really easy to be like, oh man, I was being.
• 5:36
  Ben: And I can use the self coaching model to help me understand why I was being controlling, Oh man, I was thinking this.
• 5:42
  Ben: I was feeling this.
• 5:45
  Ben: I have tools and models to help me go through my internal debrief.
• 5:51
  Ben: Okay.
• 5:51
  Ben: So now let's talk about the external debrief.
• 5:55
  Ben: As the name suggests, this debrief is done externally.
• 6:00
  Ben: It's not in your mind.
• 6:01
  Ben: It's not.
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  Ben: Just between you yourself and you on a piece of paper, paper.
• 6:08
  Ben: So when I do my external debriefs, I usually do the external debrief with my teen, or both of my teens sometimes, or even my spouse.
• 6:21
  Ben: For example, maybe my teen and I had an argument earlier during the day, Later, after emotions have calmed down, and usually after I've done my own internal debrief, I'll do an external debrief with my teenager, and I'll start by asking empowering questions.
• 6:42
  Ben: Now the questions might be things like, Hey, Remember the argument that you and I had earlier this morning.
• 6:48
  Ben: How do you think I handled the situation earlier?
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  Ben: And sometimes my teen will actually tell me, no, I thought you did.
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  Ben: Okay.
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  Ben: Like I was mad in the moment.
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  Ben: I wasn't happy with what you said, but you know what?
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  Ben: You did a decent job.
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  Ben: Other times I'll be like, dad, you wouldn't even listen to me.
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  Ben: So I'm asking these empowering questions.
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  Ben: Help increase my awareness.
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  Ben: Another question I might ask is what, if anything, did I do well in your opinion?
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  Ben: Now, my oldest will be like, well, you didn't swear at me or you didn't hit me.
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  Ben: Sometimes.
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  Ben: They'll tell me really helpful, insightful things.
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  Ben: Like, you know what, you actually did a good job of trying to understand my perspective.
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  Ben: Then I might ask something like, Hey, what, if anything, could I have done better?
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  Ben: Again, I'm just seeking for awareness.
• 7:47
  Ben: Now these.
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  Ben: Next two are some of my favorite questions.
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  Ben: One of my favorite questions of all time to ask my teenager is, Hey, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
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  Ben: Sometimes they tell me like, dad, I wouldn't even worry about it.
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  Ben: I wouldn't be making such a big deal.
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  Ben: Other times they'll tell me, you know, I would ask what.
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  Ben: Do I not understand?
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  Ben: And I try and get my teens perspective.
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  Ben: It's a powerful question, which is why my next favorite question is, what do you think?
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  Ben: I don't understand about this situation.
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  Ben: Let your teen help you build your awareness.
• 8:27
  Ben: Let your teen help fill in some of the blanks that you might not have.
• 8:32
  Ben: In your perspective, another question is, what do you think we'll remember about this in 15 years?
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  Ben: And that's powerful because oftentimes my teen will be like, you know, I don't even think we'll remember this.
• 8:44
  Ben: Yeah.
• 8:44
  Ben: So it's not that big of a deal or how might we talk about this to your kids, my grandkids, and we might joke around the man dad was so strict.
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  Ben: He wouldn't even blah, blah, blah.
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  Ben: Our mom did this.
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  Ben: These are just exercises to get you to see things.
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  Ben: From a different perspective.
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  Ben: Now, I want you to be aware of these pitfalls.
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  Ben: Don't fall into the trap of trying to change your teen.
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  Ben: Do not do the external debrief in an attempt to get your teen to see things your way, don't have it be a sneaky exercise to continue the lecture.
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  Ben: Or to manipulate your teen.
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  Ben: This is an exercise for you to gain more awareness and to see things from a new perspective.
• 9:38
  Ben: If your teen wants to join in and do their own external debrief, like maybe when you ask, okay, what's something I don't understand, then they tell you and they're like, you know what, mom, what's something I don't understand.
• 9:50
  Ben: If your teen wants to jump in and do their own external debrief and ask you similar questions, that's great, but don't force it.
• 9:58
  Ben: That's not the point of this exercise.
• 10:00
  Ben: And the last one I would say, don't let your teen run you.
• 10:05
  Ben: Remember, you are the parent.
• 10:07
  Ben: Your teen can express their opinion about you and your parenting, and they can tell you, man, you suck as a mom.
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  Ben: You should change X, Y, and Z.
• 10:15
  Ben: But at the end of the day, you are the parent.
• 10:19
  Ben: You're in charge.
• 10:20
  Ben: You get to make your own parenting decisions.
• 10:24
  Ben: If either of you can't do this with respect and the external debrief immediately and just be like, you know what?
• 10:33
  Ben: Now's not a good time.
• 10:34
  Ben: I thought we could do it.
• 10:35
  Ben: We can't, but be sure like you're going to end it immediately, but also do it respectfully.
• 10:40
  Ben: No name calling.
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  Ben: Don't blame.
• 10:42
  Ben: Just be like, man, you know what?
• 10:43
  Ben: This isn't working.
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  Ben: I'm done.
• 10:45
  Ben: We'll just call this off.
• 10:47
  Ben: So why should you do a parenting debrief?
• 10:52
  Ben: I believe that imperfect parenting moments are actually impactful parenting moments, and they are gifts to help you improve your parenting and to reconnect with your teen.
• 11:04
  Ben: Some of the best parenting moments I've had with my children are after ugly and imperfect parenting moments.
• 11:13
  Ben: Usually I'll do my own.
• 11:16
  Ben: Internal debrief, realize that I am not being the parent of my dreams and will own my mistakes.
• 11:24
  Ben: And then I go to my teen and I apologize.
• 11:27
  Ben: And sometimes I'll ask for their feedback.
• 11:31
  Ben: And one of my favorite questions of all time, like this is one of the ones that I mentioned before.
• 11:36
  Ben: If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
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  Ben: This is powerful.
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  Ben: In the beginning, your teen will probably give you dumb answers.
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  Ben: Like, well, I wouldn't worry about it.
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  Ben: I wouldn't be making this a big deal, but other times.
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  Ben: For example, in my life, this has been a powerful question and a powerful response for both of us.
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  Ben: One time after a fairly big conversation, my son told me now that I'm not in the moment, I actually think I'd handle it the same way with my own teen.
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  Ben: That's powerful.
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  Ben: You're giving your teen an opportunity.
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  Ben: To evaluate things on their own.
• 12:16
  Ben: Another time, one of my sons said, dad, I try and understand from my teens perspective.
• 12:22
  Ben: This is what inspired me to add another question.
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  Ben: Hey, what do you think?
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  Ben: I don't understand about the situation.
• 12:29
  Ben: So why should you do parenting debriefs?
• 12:32
  Ben: Because there are opportunities for growth for both you and your teen.
• 12:38
  Ben: There are opportunities for reconnecting with your teen and making reparations in your relationship with them.
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  Ben: So I want to quickly go over some simple.
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  Ben: Daily parenting debrief steps.
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  Ben: And so here's some simple steps for the internal debrief.
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  Ben: Step number one, I would find a quiet place and or time where you can mentally and emotionally review your day.
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  Ben: Sometimes I like to write things down from like the start of the day to the finish step two, I like to highlight five to 10 areas where I succeeded.
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  Ben: For example, man, I got up on time.
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  Ben: I got the kids dressed fed.
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  Ben: And to school on time, and I didn't even yell, I caught myself getting angry, but remembered that I'm responsible for how I feel.
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  Ben: And I realized that I was focusing on what was making me mad.
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  Ben: So I decided that I didn't want to be angry.
• 13:35
  Ben: And I shifted my attention to something that I was grateful about concerning my teen.
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  Ben: Can you see how this is a processed?
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  Ben: To help you find wins, to help you realize, man, I'm a better parent than I realized the next one.
• 13:51
  Ben: I would highlight one area for improvement, not 10, not five, just one.
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  Ben: For example, I argued with my teen on the way home from school.
• 14:01
  Ben: I didn't even listen or try to understand their perspective.
• 14:05
  Ben: I just tried to change their mind.
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  Ben: Once you identify the one area, you can now explore how you'd like to handle that one area if you were being the parent of your dreams and imagine yourself being the parent of your dreams.
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  Ben: For example, rather than arguing.
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  Ben: You know what?
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  Ben: Next time I'm going to commit to listening and asking empowering questions.
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  Ben: I'm going to seek to understand.
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  Ben: I'm going to keep my cool.
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  Ben: It's that simple.
• 14:31
  Ben: Step one, find a quiet place to review.
• 14:33
  Ben: Step two, highlight five to 10 areas of success.
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  Ben: Step three, highlight one area that you want to improve in.
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  Ben: And step four, explore how you would handle that one area if you were being the parent of your dreams.
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  Ben: Okay.
• 14:48
  Ben: Here are some simple steps if you would like to have an external debrief.
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  Ben: Step one Make sure you and your teen are in a good emotional state to have a conversation.
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  Ben: For me, this usually means I have to swallow my pride.
• 15:03
  Ben: Step 2, do your own internal debrief first.
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  Ben: Make sure you're in a good spot.
• 15:09
  Ben: Step 3.
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  Ben: Own and apologize for what you're responsible for.
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  Ben: Step four, ask empowering questions.
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  Ben: All the questions that I mentioned above.
• 15:22
  Ben: Step five, thank your teen for the conversation and if appropriate, commit to being the parent of your dreams.
• 15:29
  Ben: Just say, you know what, I'm really working on my parenting right now.
• 15:33
  Ben: In the future, I would like to handle this.
• 15:36
  Ben: I would like to ask more questions and seek to understand your perspective by committing to being the parent of your dreams to your teen.
• 15:44
  Ben: That can be a powerful step to keep you accountable.
• 15:47
  Ben: Your teen will love reminding you when you are not being the parent of your dreams.
• 15:52
  Ben: And that's okay.
• 15:54
  Ben: Okay.
• 15:55
  Ben: Last thing, be the parent of your dreams.
• 15:58
  Ben: If you want.
• 15:59
  Ben: To be the parent of your dreams.
• 16:01
  Ben: You really have to take the time to reprogram the old programming, to reset your parenting thermostat, just like we talked about last week.
• 16:10
  Ben: And a daily parenting debrief is a good exercise to help you reset your parenting thermostat.
• 16:17
  Ben: If you're tired of being the parent, who's always yelling and screaming and trying to change their teen.
• 16:24
  Ben: Take the time to identify what kind of parent do you want to be and start developing that.
• 16:30
  Ben: Programming and the daily parenting debrief is a simple way on how to do that.
• 16:36
  Ben: If you want a better relationship with your teen, start doing daily debriefs.
• 16:43
  Ben: You can start with an internal debrief, and then as you get better at that, you can progress to an external debrief.
• 16:52
  Ben: And if you want a simple step by step guide, To start doing your own parenting debrief, you can go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief.
• 17:04
  Ben: Now go download this free parenting debrief guide.
• 17:09
  Ben: It is simple and it's quick and it will help you uplevel your parenting and it's completely free.
• 17:18
  Ben: It's as simple as going to benpughcoaching.com/debrief.
• 17:23
  Ben: and Enjoy being the parent of your dreams.
• 17:27
  Ben: Go pick up your free guide and I'll see you soon.