Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 356. HEADNOISE: Sharing Your Truth, Coming Out & Living Authentically

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356. HEADNOISE: Sharing Your Truth, Coming Out & Living Authentically · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode. For those of
0:21
Speaker 1: you that are new to the party. Head Noise is
0:25
Speaker 1: where I go in and I answer your emails, I
0:29
Speaker 1: answer your questions, and I'm trying to with a lot
0:34
Speaker 1: of the head Noise episodes. Now I say this, but
0:37
Speaker 1: probably I'm not going to be consistent with this, but
0:39
Speaker 1: I'm trying to kind of get the head Noise episodes
0:41
Speaker 1: to semi stick to a theme. So sometimes I try
0:43
Speaker 1: and keep them about friendships, dealing with parents, dealing with
0:47
Speaker 1: in laws, that kind of thing. For this particular episode,
0:50
Speaker 1: I actually want to talk about.
0:52
Speaker 2: There's two things.
0:53
Speaker 1: Well, there's three questions that I'm going to be answering,
0:55
Speaker 1: and this is about coming out, but also dealing with
0:59
Speaker 1: homophobia as well.
1:00
Speaker 2: Now, granted I myself am not gay.
1:04
Speaker 1: I am not speaking about this from a first person perspective,
1:07
Speaker 1: but I am speaking about it as well obviously an ally,
1:12
Speaker 1: so many of my best friends are gay. But more importantly,
1:15
Speaker 1: as setting boundaries, because a boundary doesn't change depending on
1:20
Speaker 1: what scenario you're talking about. I'm going to be talking
1:23
Speaker 1: about how to protect yourself, how to live in your
1:26
Speaker 1: truth as you should and deal.
1:30
Speaker 2: With the people around you and how to kind of
1:32
Speaker 2: navigate that. So you could apply that, of.
1:34
Speaker 1: Course to being gay, but also to many other aspects
1:38
Speaker 1: in your life that you, you know, struggle to get
1:41
Speaker 1: other people around you to quote unquote accept whatever.
1:44
Speaker 2: I'm going to go into this whole accepting an understanding thing,
1:46
Speaker 2: which grants my gas anyway.
1:48
Speaker 1: So there's a lot to break down and delve into
1:51
Speaker 1: in this particular episode. But if you are someone that is,
1:57
Speaker 1: you know you don't have Basically, what I'm saying is
1:59
Speaker 1: that you don't have to be going through this exact
2:01
Speaker 1: situation to find value in what I am going to
2:04
Speaker 1: be talking about. But let's just dive straight in because
2:06
Speaker 1: these are really really good questions, and I really do
2:08
Speaker 1: appreciate the openness. I know it's anonymous, but I still
2:12
Speaker 1: really appreciate the vulnerability and openness of the questions that
2:15
Speaker 1: people sent in and share with me. It's really nice
2:19
Speaker 1: to have this community where you know, there's that trust
2:22
Speaker 1: to share each other's story. So thank you very much
2:24
Speaker 1: for sending in your questions to.
2:41
Speaker 2: The topic of today.
2:42
Speaker 1: I did want to speak about my audio book, which
2:45
Speaker 1: is coming out very soon. It is called How to
2:48
Speaker 1: Chase Change Thirty Days to Master your mindset. This audiobook
2:52
Speaker 1: is I'm so excited for you guys to do it.
2:55
Speaker 2: It's I think it's unreal. It goes for thirty days.
2:58
Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
3:01
Speaker 1: and after every single session or module, you get either
3:05
Speaker 1: a piece of homework and exercise to do or further
3:09
Speaker 1: resources for you to further your knowledge in that topic.
3:12
Speaker 1: But there is something, a task or a resource every
3:15
Speaker 1: single day for those thirty days you.
3:16
Speaker 2: Can be doing it.
3:18
Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
3:20
Speaker 1: it is designed for by the end of that thirty
3:24
Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
3:27
Speaker 1: much better understanding of who you are and what you want.
3:30
Speaker 1: If you want to pre order the book, just check
3:33
Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
3:35
Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
3:38
Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in. I'm so
3:42
Speaker 1: excited and I can't wait to hear from you guys.
3:44
Speaker 2: And hear what you think about the book.
3:48
Speaker 1: So the first one, it's titled coming Out to My Dad,
3:52
Speaker 1: Hi alexis firstly, I want to tell you that I
3:55
Speaker 1: started listening to your podcast last year. I have found
3:57
Speaker 1: it so useful, so thank you and keep doing what
3:59
Speaker 1: you're doing. I'm writing because I just listened to your
4:02
Speaker 1: episode on Guilt, episode twelve Classic, and I'm hoping you
4:06
Speaker 1: can help me out with some advice.
4:08
Speaker 2: I came out as.
4:08
Speaker 1: Queer slash by a little late in life at twenty five,
4:11
Speaker 1: and I am now in a serious relationship with a
4:14
Speaker 1: woman we've been dating for three years. When we became serious,
4:17
Speaker 1: I indirectly came out to my friends and family by
4:20
Speaker 1: just posting her on my socials, as I didn't feel
4:22
Speaker 1: I owed anyone a direct conversation. My mom ended up
4:26
Speaker 1: calling me and we had a quick convo where she
4:28
Speaker 1: told me she doesn't quote understand it, but she loves
4:32
Speaker 1: me and supports me regardless of who I want to
4:34
Speaker 1: be with. She also asked if I was going to
4:36
Speaker 1: tell my dad and I said I wasn't ready for that,
4:39
Speaker 1: as he is extremely Christian, homophobic and still makes gay
4:43
Speaker 1: bashing comments to this day. She was relieved to hear that.
4:47
Speaker 1: Fast forward to last fall, I brought it up. I
4:50
Speaker 1: brought it up to my mum whilst the two of
4:52
Speaker 1: us were having lunch that I was tired of my
4:54
Speaker 1: dad not knowing and I wanted to tell him and
4:57
Speaker 1: just get it over with. She got emotional and asked
5:00
Speaker 1: me to please not tell him, as he takes everything
5:03
Speaker 1: out on her. For context, they have a toxic relationship
5:06
Speaker 1: and he can be emotionally abusive, another reason as to
5:10
Speaker 1: why I'm not very close with him. I won't go
5:12
Speaker 1: off on a tangent about their relationship, but I think
5:14
Speaker 1: it's unfair that I have to stay in the closet
5:16
Speaker 1: with my relationship because of the decisions she's made in
5:20
Speaker 1: hers I love my mom, but she does tend to
5:23
Speaker 1: guilt trip me and my siblings, and I feel it's
5:25
Speaker 1: so unfair and wrong to put me in this position.
5:28
Speaker 1: I feel that I'll eventually marry my girlfriend and he'll
5:30
Speaker 1: find out then. Anyway, I'm also thinking that if he
5:34
Speaker 1: finds out now, there's a possibility he could get over it,
5:36
Speaker 1: and with time, I'll finally be able to bring her.
5:39
Speaker 2: To family functions.
5:40
Speaker 1: My mom doesn't think he'll ever be okay with it,
5:42
Speaker 1: but regardless, I'm just so tired of hiding it, and
5:45
Speaker 1: it's not fair to my girlfriend either. I still haven't
5:48
Speaker 1: told him because of the guilt and pressure my mom
5:50
Speaker 1: has put on me because of the situation. Any advice
5:53
Speaker 1: on this situation would be so greatly appreciated.
5:56
Speaker 2: All the best to you.
5:57
Speaker 1: Fucking great questions that you're asking here, and I am
6:01
Speaker 1: going to say that you are entitled to tell absolutely
6:06
Speaker 1: anybody that you want to tell about your life, okay,
6:13
Speaker 1: especially your love life, and your love life is a
6:15
Speaker 1: huge part of your life. Of course, it's the woman
6:19
Speaker 1: that you love that's a massive part of your life.
6:21
Speaker 1: And I know that you're not super close with your father,
6:23
Speaker 1: but you obviously have a relationship with him where it's
6:27
Speaker 1: important to you that eventually he finds out.
6:30
Speaker 2: So I think that I mean, not that it's got
6:33
Speaker 2: to do with him at all. This has got to
6:34
Speaker 2: do with you.
6:35
Speaker 1: But I think you're right in saying that eventually you
6:39
Speaker 1: are going to make it easier for yourself the earlier
6:42
Speaker 1: you tell him, because time does soften people. And while
6:47
Speaker 1: I'm so my tolerance towards people not a quote unquote
6:53
Speaker 1: not accepting or not understanding or obviously homophobia is so
6:59
Speaker 1: fucking it's the so thin you can't even it's so
7:03
Speaker 1: fucking thin. The tolerance that I have, but anyway, you
7:05
Speaker 1: still have to understand that people see things from different
7:11
Speaker 1: angles and the more time you give them, the more
7:15
Speaker 1: time you give people to evolve. And like I so, okay,
7:21
Speaker 1: I've got a friend of mine, Luke.
7:23
Speaker 2: He's gay, he's about to get married. I'm so fucking
7:25
Speaker 2: pump for this wedding. Give no idea. But he actually
7:28
Speaker 2: came on the podcast and he spoke about coming out.
7:30
Speaker 2: This is ages ago.
7:31
Speaker 1: I think it was the first six months of the podcast,
7:33
Speaker 1: So go everyone, just go listen to that episode.
7:35
Speaker 2: It is great.
7:35
Speaker 1: But one thing that Luke said, I'm not sure if
7:38
Speaker 1: he said it on the podcast, but it said it
7:39
Speaker 1: to me, but he talks about how he was really
7:42
Speaker 1: patient with his family when he came out. And I
7:45
Speaker 1: really really respected that because here I was with like
7:48
Speaker 1: really thin patients being like fucked down people weren't why
7:50
Speaker 1: are there so not understanding? But looking at it from
7:53
Speaker 1: his perspective, he was saying to me, He's like, you know,
7:56
Speaker 1: you've got to understand that, A there's different generations, the
7:59
Speaker 1: difference stories that they've been told, and while it's not fair,
8:02
Speaker 1: you're actually better off trying to, you know, work with
8:05
Speaker 1: what you've got. And if he goes, if I want
8:07
Speaker 1: to have a close relationship with my family, I wanted
8:10
Speaker 1: to kind of, you know, I had to be patient
8:12
Speaker 1: with them and ease them into it.
8:14
Speaker 2: And they've now obviously fully come well not obviously, but.
8:18
Speaker 1: Now they've come round and they have a great relationship
8:21
Speaker 1: with his fiance, and you know, it's it is completely
8:24
Speaker 1: different to how it first started. So I think that
8:28
Speaker 1: within reason, because obviously I don't think you should be
8:31
Speaker 1: pandering to people that have homophobic thoughts and who are
8:34
Speaker 1: acting like a brat because they just choose not to
8:36
Speaker 1: understand something that doesn't need to be understood, like, can't
8:39
Speaker 1: get over it? What is there to understand? Can I
8:41
Speaker 1: ask what are we trying to understand? What is that
8:44
Speaker 1: to understand? Or better question, what don't you understand human
8:50
Speaker 1: human dating? Ask me what you don't understand?
8:54
Speaker 2: Riddle me that? Oh anyway, Oh.
8:57
Speaker 1: My god, gives me an aneurysm, a fucking full blown aneurysm.
9:01
Speaker 1: When I think about it, it's like you're having a tantrum,
9:03
Speaker 1: is what you're having? That's homophobia. Anyway, if you are
9:06
Speaker 1: a bit more patient with these people than it gives
9:09
Speaker 1: them the actual opportunity to come round and undo the
9:14
Speaker 1: ingrained beliefs that they've had for so long. Because one
9:16
Speaker 1: thing that I will say, and one thing that I
9:18
Speaker 1: will give to these people is that there is a
9:22
Speaker 1: narrative that they've chosen to believe, or maybe not even
9:24
Speaker 1: chosen to believe.
9:25
Speaker 2: Maybe they've been.
9:25
Speaker 1: Raised and it's ingrained, and it takes a while for
9:28
Speaker 1: some people to kind of undo that narrative and come
9:30
Speaker 1: around and see the error of their ways and soften
9:34
Speaker 1: and be like, wow, Okay, I was so ingrained in
9:37
Speaker 1: this belief pattern, in this thought, and then I never
9:39
Speaker 1: really had to think about it because it never really
9:41
Speaker 1: was so close to home, and now it is, and
9:43
Speaker 1: now I'm able to look at it from a completely
9:44
Speaker 1: different lens, and I've evolved. So I see that you
9:48
Speaker 1: want to give that opportunity to your father, and I
9:50
Speaker 1: think absolutely you should. If I were in your shoes,
9:53
Speaker 1: I would do what you think is right, and I
9:55
Speaker 1: would tell my father you are right in saying that
9:58
Speaker 1: your mother does not have the say in this situation.
10:02
Speaker 1: I think it's really sad that their relationship is emotionally toxic.
10:06
Speaker 2: And that's a completely different.
10:07
Speaker 1: Conversation, but that cannot be the reason that you can't
10:12
Speaker 1: be who you are publicly to your family, mind you
10:16
Speaker 1: to your father, and if you feel comfortable being like,
10:19
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm gonna approach this topic.
10:22
Speaker 2: It's uncomfortable.
10:23
Speaker 1: He's homophobic, he's this, but I want to more power
10:27
Speaker 1: to you, Okay. And also, I know this is going
10:32
Speaker 1: to be really hard, but you don't need to have
10:35
Speaker 1: her permission to do this. It is your father. You
10:41
Speaker 1: don't have to go through her to have a conversation
10:43
Speaker 1: with your father. Okay, your parent, as she is your mother,
10:47
Speaker 1: you are half either one of them, so you are
10:51
Speaker 1: entitled to have whatever the fuck conversation you want with
10:54
Speaker 1: your father, Okay, especially a difficult one where you have to, like, really,
11:00
Speaker 1: you know, prepare yourself to have this conversation. I really
11:03
Speaker 1: admire that you want to do this, and I think
11:05
Speaker 1: you fucking should because you're gonna feel better for it.
11:07
Speaker 1: Because I think you're gonna feel better for it, regardless
11:10
Speaker 1: of the outcome. If he comes around and takes it well,
11:13
Speaker 1: of course you're gonna feel better for it. If he
11:15
Speaker 1: blows up and whatever, then you're still gonna feel better
11:18
Speaker 1: for it because you don't want to be holding information
11:22
Speaker 1: back or whatever, because at the end of the day,
11:23
Speaker 1: it's like, look, if you're gonna blow up, good on
11:25
Speaker 1: fucking you. You fucking do you, you fucking sociopath, because
11:29
Speaker 1: at least you're seeing me for who I am. I
11:31
Speaker 1: don't need to hide who I am. I'm not ashamed.
11:33
Speaker 1: You can be ashamed of your petty behavior, but I'm
11:36
Speaker 1: not ashamed. And if you want to embarrass yourself in
11:38
Speaker 1: daylight by causing a scene, be my guest. But I'm
11:43
Speaker 1: done hiding who I am, So go for it, and
11:48
Speaker 1: do not let what your mother's saying stop you from
11:51
Speaker 1: having a conversation with your parents. Okay, that is all
11:56
Speaker 1: I have to say about that one. Thank you for
11:58
Speaker 1: writing in. Don't you know this? The more you lean
12:02
Speaker 1: into it, the more you're gonna get guilt tripped. When
12:05
Speaker 1: someone tries to guilt trip you, it's because and it's
12:08
Speaker 1: not that it's malicious necessarily, it's because they're trying to
12:10
Speaker 1: get something out of you, because they're scared.
12:13
Speaker 2: She's scared, she's not.
12:14
Speaker 1: I don't think that it's coming from a bad place
12:16
Speaker 1: from what you're saying, But when you leave, when you
12:19
Speaker 1: give into a bit, then they go in hard because
12:22
Speaker 1: it works. It's not because they're evil or whatever. But
12:26
Speaker 1: what I'm what I'm saying is that if you panned
12:28
Speaker 1: to one thing of a guilt trip, but then they're
12:30
Speaker 1: going to try and use it on you again and
12:32
Speaker 1: again and again. So this will be a good line
12:34
Speaker 1: in the sand to be like, your relationship with him
12:37
Speaker 1: is your relationship with him, and my relationship with him
12:41
Speaker 1: is mine. Okay, So while I don't have a say
12:45
Speaker 1: with how you've chosen to run that, you can't have
12:47
Speaker 1: a say with how I choose to run my relationship
12:49
Speaker 1: with him. And that's that's just all it is. Thank
12:52
Speaker 1: you so much. This is a great fucking question. Okay,
12:55
Speaker 1: next one, Hi Alexis. First of all, thank you so
12:57
Speaker 1: much for the passion and energy you inject into your pod,
13:01
Speaker 1: even to the way you say thanks in German at
13:03
Speaker 1: the end of each episode. I love listening to the
13:05
Speaker 1: head Noise episodes and have been motivated to submit a
13:08
Speaker 1: question and you make me feel very calm and clear
13:11
Speaker 1: headed with your confident demeanor and your to the point
13:13
Speaker 1: style of answering questions.
13:15
Speaker 2: Thank you.
13:16
Speaker 1: I'm a twenty one year old gay male who has
13:18
Speaker 1: not come out at all neither have I had a
13:21
Speaker 1: relationship with anyone before. I feel I'm growing with every
13:24
Speaker 1: passing day and learning to live happily within myself good.
13:28
Speaker 1: I have reached a point where I am close to
13:30
Speaker 1: coming out to the people around me, but I think
13:32
Speaker 1: I'm lacking the last bit of courage to really make
13:35
Speaker 1: that big change. I'm realizing that I want to start
13:38
Speaker 1: exploring connections with other people. I want to learn to
13:41
Speaker 1: love someone. I want a boyfriend, but I barely go
13:45
Speaker 1: out at all, and I'm not really close enough to
13:48
Speaker 1: any friends to go out with socially. Sometimes I fall
13:52
Speaker 1: back into bad habits and lay rotting in my bed
13:54
Speaker 1: and feel like I'm going to regret my twenties if
13:57
Speaker 1: I don't take firmer action. I struggle with anxiety and
14:00
Speaker 1: often find myself overthinking anything and everything, even in other
14:04
Speaker 1: facets of my life, such as my career after UNI. Essentially,
14:08
Speaker 1: how do I actually put myself out there as and
14:11
Speaker 1: open myself up to love as a potential relationship with
14:15
Speaker 1: someone else? Thank you for your consideration. Again, a fucking
14:18
Speaker 1: great question, and thank you for writing in. I want
14:20
Speaker 1: to say that I believe that a lot of your
14:22
Speaker 1: overthinking might stem from the fact that you still feel
14:28
Speaker 1: like you haven't had the opportunity to be openly just yourself.
14:33
Speaker 1: Like I mentioned with the last question, your sexuality. Who
14:36
Speaker 1: you love is a very big part of who you are.
14:40
Speaker 1: It's something that is within us and it's not really
14:43
Speaker 1: a choice.
14:44
Speaker 2: Well it's not a choice.
14:46
Speaker 1: So it's a huge part of us, and it's also
14:49
Speaker 1: a huge part of how.
14:50
Speaker 2: We express ourselves.
14:52
Speaker 1: So a lot of the time, if you haven't come
14:54
Speaker 1: out yet, you are withholding a big part of you
14:58
Speaker 1: that no one really knows yet that you feel like
15:01
Speaker 1: you are unable to express, and that may well very
15:05
Speaker 1: likely is going to make you feel anxious or uncertain
15:09
Speaker 1: about other areas of your life because you're not really
15:11
Speaker 1: living within yourself, in your like in the full way
15:15
Speaker 1: that you can be yourself. Okay, So a consideration maybe
15:20
Speaker 1: for you is to if you feel stressed or uncomfortable
15:25
Speaker 1: with coming out to your friends because you feel like you.
15:27
Speaker 2: Maybe maybe you are the only maybe you're the only.
15:31
Speaker 1: Gay one in your friendship group, so you feel like
15:32
Speaker 1: this is going to be a really big step, this
15:34
Speaker 1: is going to be maybe, consider I don't know how
15:37
Speaker 1: easy this is. I don't know where you live. I
15:38
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know the situation, but to also
15:41
Speaker 1: branch out and find a community or find people where
15:46
Speaker 1: you feel like you are.
15:48
Speaker 2: One of them.
15:49
Speaker 1: You are like, I've found my people, and I feel
15:52
Speaker 1: really fucking comfortable hanging around with these people.
15:54
Speaker 2: Now, I don't know how accessible that is to you
15:57
Speaker 2: or not.
15:57
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, but one thing that I know is
15:59
Speaker 1: when you find your people, it gives you a safe
16:03
Speaker 1: space to really be yourself. And then once you really
16:07
Speaker 1: discover that you can be yourself really comfortably socially, you
16:12
Speaker 1: then get that confidence within yourself to be like, Wow,
16:16
Speaker 1: why am I I just like this with everyone else?
16:18
Speaker 1: I can be like this with my other friends who
16:21
Speaker 1: I hadn't come out to in the past. I can
16:22
Speaker 1: be like this with my family. I'm now more confident
16:24
Speaker 1: within myself. I'm more confident with my studies, with everything
16:28
Speaker 1: because I've given an environment where I can truly live
16:33
Speaker 1: in my truth and be who I am. So I
16:36
Speaker 1: would be exploring environments and situations where I can truly
16:41
Speaker 1: feel myself without having to second guess and think is
16:44
Speaker 1: this person going to take it the right way?
16:46
Speaker 2: Are they not going to take it the right way?
16:48
Speaker 1: I mean, ideally you would be in a position where
16:50
Speaker 1: you could say to your mates, Hey, guys, okay, next question.
16:53
Speaker 1: You know, but I'm not sure if you yet feel
16:57
Speaker 1: like you are in that position because I feel like
16:58
Speaker 1: maybe you don't feel close enough with them, because you
17:01
Speaker 1: made that comment that you're not close enough with them
17:03
Speaker 1: to go out with them socially. So I think that
17:07
Speaker 1: maybe the next step is seeking out potential friendship groups
17:11
Speaker 1: or you know, Like I don't know, I feel like
17:16
Speaker 1: if you're a gay male, this look, this is just
17:19
Speaker 1: a massive generalization what I'm what I'm personally about to say.
17:23
Speaker 1: But with my gay friends, they always felt it was
17:26
Speaker 1: so much easier to come out to the girls and
17:29
Speaker 1: talk about it with their girlfriends before they ever did
17:32
Speaker 1: with their guy friends. And I don't know if this
17:34
Speaker 1: is just like a time thing, because you know, I'm
17:37
Speaker 1: you know, I'm maybe this is something of ten years
17:39
Speaker 1: ago or not now.
17:40
Speaker 2: I don't know, but maybe.
17:42
Speaker 1: You are more selective with which friends you come out
17:45
Speaker 1: with first so you are comfortable and then you speak
17:47
Speaker 1: to other people. But what I what I do know
17:50
Speaker 1: for sure is that the uncertainty what not for sure.
17:53
Speaker 1: But what I have a inkling is the uncertainty you're
17:56
Speaker 1: feeling in other areas of your life is magnified by
18:00
Speaker 1: the feeling that you feel like you're not being completely
18:02
Speaker 1: your authentic self because you have not come out yet.
18:05
Speaker 1: And one thing that I am going to say is
18:07
Speaker 1: that you one hundred percent will not regret putting yourself
18:12
Speaker 1: out there and meeting different people and just trying. When
18:16
Speaker 1: you discover what it's like to live as who you are,
18:20
Speaker 1: you will be like, why the fuck didn't I do
18:22
Speaker 1: this earlier? It was scary, it was like jumping off
18:24
Speaker 1: a cliff initially because I've never done it before. But
18:28
Speaker 1: you will be like, oh, I mean, you're so young.
18:30
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is you don't want to get
18:31
Speaker 1: to your thirty forty fifty looking back. Thing like when
18:34
Speaker 1: when's a good time? When's a good time? It's never
18:36
Speaker 1: an ideal time to do something that you've never done
18:38
Speaker 1: before because you're always going to have fee, You're always
18:40
Speaker 1: going to be scared, and those feelings are valid. That
18:42
Speaker 1: is so normal, especially it's you know, when you feel
18:48
Speaker 1: like you're going to be unfairly judged by some people.
18:51
Speaker 1: That's understandable. But what I am going to say is
18:53
Speaker 1: that you will have so much more to offer yourself
18:56
Speaker 1: and the world if you are yourself, if you are
19:00
Speaker 1: completely living as you so without wanting to scare you,
19:06
Speaker 1: you are right in saying that you are gonna regret.
19:10
Speaker 1: Not you know, if you did your whole twenty is
19:12
Speaker 1: just rotting in bed. You know, slipping back into those behaviors.
19:15
Speaker 2: You will regret that. You'll bang on and you know it.
19:19
Speaker 1: That's why you've written in So what I would say
19:21
Speaker 1: to you is you need to branch out.
19:24
Speaker 2: Do the hard thing now.
19:25
Speaker 1: Do it now, because all these doubts that you have
19:28
Speaker 1: will be cleared up very fucking quickly once you realize
19:31
Speaker 1: that you are able to come out.
19:32
Speaker 2: It's scary, it's hard, it's not.
19:34
Speaker 1: Fucking pleasant, but you need to choose your discomfort. And
19:37
Speaker 1: when you choose this hard thing now, you will be
19:40
Speaker 1: doing yourself a huge favor for your future self. You
19:43
Speaker 1: will be more confident to be yourself. You will flourish
19:47
Speaker 1: as yourself.
19:48
Speaker 2: You will everything will evolve.
19:50
Speaker 1: You'll be like the two point zero version of yourself
19:52
Speaker 1: because you will just be who you are out in public.
19:56
Speaker 1: You won't feel because when you feel that you've got
19:58
Speaker 1: to hide an aspect of yourself deep down you might
20:01
Speaker 1: be telling you might take that as maybe I'm not
20:04
Speaker 1: good enough, maybe people won't accept me, and that is
20:07
Speaker 1: going to make you feel uncertain about many things about yourself.
20:11
Speaker 1: It's going to start to hurt your relationship with yourself.
20:15
Speaker 1: So I would tackle this thing number one. Don't worry
20:17
Speaker 1: about you needn't worry about career. This is the most
20:18
Speaker 1: important thing because once that is handled, once you feel
20:21
Speaker 1: confident coming out, once you find your people that you
20:24
Speaker 1: can hang out with, where you're like, these are my people.
20:27
Speaker 1: Whether they're also gay or whether they're just allies, doesn't matter.
20:31
Speaker 1: Everything will turn around for you. Everything will make sense
20:34
Speaker 1: for you once you've done that first big, hard step.
20:37
Speaker 2: Hopefully that helped.
20:38
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for writing in It's I find
20:42
Speaker 1: that really that's a great question, and I feel that
20:45
Speaker 1: a lot of people will be feeling that way as well,
20:47
Speaker 1: So thank you. Okay, the third one for today.
21:09
Speaker 2: Hi Alexis.
21:10
Speaker 1: I love your podcast deeply and your thoughtful and assertive
21:13
Speaker 1: advice have helped me get through so much. Here is
21:16
Speaker 1: my situation. I'm a twenty year old gay man. In
21:19
Speaker 1: my second year of college, I started exploring my sexuality
21:23
Speaker 1: about a year ago, and it has been an emotional journey.
21:26
Speaker 1: The hardest part was when I came out to my
21:28
Speaker 1: closest friend at the time. We were and still are roommates,
21:33
Speaker 1: and at the time he was the only person in
21:35
Speaker 1: my life I felt comfortable telling. Initially, telling him went great,
21:39
Speaker 1: and then long story short, I found out he was
21:42
Speaker 1: regularly attending a homophobic church. He told me directly what
21:46
Speaker 1: the church was preaching, and it was in the realm
21:48
Speaker 1: of conversion therapy and targeting gay people. It took me
21:52
Speaker 1: months to recover and process the perceived betrayal. I had
21:56
Speaker 1: never been hurt that bad by anyone. I talked about
21:59
Speaker 1: it with him after I cooled down, and it took
22:01
Speaker 1: me asking would you ever attend a racist church obviously
22:05
Speaker 1: the answer was no, to get him to understand why
22:08
Speaker 1: I was upset. He was Slash is part of my
22:11
Speaker 1: college friend group that I cherish very deeply. Flash forward
22:15
Speaker 1: to a few weeks ago, my friends and I were
22:17
Speaker 1: going out to a gay club. I assumed he wasn't
22:20
Speaker 1: invited because everyone in the group was aware of the situation.
22:23
Speaker 1: Someone ended up last minute inviting him, and I had
22:26
Speaker 1: an absolute meltdown in the club. The alcohol did not help.
22:30
Speaker 1: Oh fuck, we've all been there, haven't we? Alcoholic alcohol
22:34
Speaker 1: infused meltdown good times. After that night and listening to
22:39
Speaker 1: a lot of your podcasts, I came to the conclusion
22:41
Speaker 1: that I cannot be around him in social settings and
22:44
Speaker 1: feel comfortable. I expressed this to my friends and they
22:47
Speaker 1: seemed to understand at first. However, recently my friends have
22:50
Speaker 1: started to get very upset and agitated when I expressed
22:53
Speaker 1: that I will not be attending if he was going
22:56
Speaker 1: to be there. Likewise, it has been very hard for
22:59
Speaker 1: me to see pictures of my friends hanging out with
23:01
Speaker 1: him on social media because I've told them about how
23:03
Speaker 1: much he hurts me. When I see the posts, I
23:06
Speaker 1: feel resentment and the betrayal I initially felt for him
23:09
Speaker 1: getting trans for him getting transferred to my friends. I
23:13
Speaker 1: brought this up with one of my plan of friends
23:16
Speaker 1: last night, and she said that my relationship is with sorry,
23:19
Speaker 1: And she said that my relationship with him is separate
23:22
Speaker 1: from the problems you have with him. I would love
23:25
Speaker 1: any insight you have about this dynamic. Is it fair
23:28
Speaker 1: for me to say I can't be friends with you
23:30
Speaker 1: if you are friends with him? Or is that controlling.
23:33
Speaker 1: Is it fair for me to say I can't be
23:34
Speaker 1: friends with you if you are friends with him? Or
23:37
Speaker 1: is that controlling? Thank you so much for writing it. Okay,
23:40
Speaker 1: this is a great Oh, this is such a good question.
23:42
Speaker 1: This is such a good question. It's also very very
23:46
Speaker 1: gray these areas that you're navigating, because I'm going to
23:50
Speaker 1: tread lightly here because we're talking about religion, and I
23:52
Speaker 1: think you guys, you know I'm an atheist, but when
23:57
Speaker 1: it comes to religion, I'm all for everyone having their religion.
24:00
Speaker 1: But one thing that I have always struggled with with
24:03
Speaker 1: religion is the need to live by such.
24:05
Speaker 2: A strict rule book.
24:06
Speaker 1: And I find that a lot of people that have
24:10
Speaker 1: a religion is that they will pick and choose what
24:13
Speaker 1: they want from that religion, and you know, do some
24:15
Speaker 1: of it or not do others. Like why the fuck
24:17
Speaker 1: is this? Can't rocking up to a gay club but
24:20
Speaker 1: then going to a church that preaches homophobia, Like what
24:25
Speaker 1: are we looking at? Like you either are or you're
24:29
Speaker 1: not is what pisces me off. You either align or
24:32
Speaker 1: you don't. I don't like this cherry picking bullshit. I'm
24:37
Speaker 1: all for spirituality, I'm all for believing in something greater
24:40
Speaker 1: than us. But what pisces me off is when someone
24:43
Speaker 1: has a religion and then they pick and choose. If
24:44
Speaker 1: you're going, just go all in, just land on your sword.
24:48
Speaker 1: But I hate this shit where people are like they
24:50
Speaker 1: pick and choose, it's it's whatever. Anyway, I'm not gonna
24:53
Speaker 1: get too far into that, but what I'm saying is
24:55
Speaker 1: that this can't is a hypocrite for starters. But whatever,
24:59
Speaker 1: he your friend, I don't know is he still your
25:02
Speaker 1: friend because you said that he still is your roommate,
25:05
Speaker 1: So that would.
25:05
Speaker 2: Be quite difficult to navigate.
25:08
Speaker 1: And I think what's also interesting is to understand what's
25:11
Speaker 1: his perspective on it. Does he just go to this
25:13
Speaker 1: church but he doesn't agree with the homophobia part of
25:17
Speaker 1: it and the gay conversion part of it, but he
25:19
Speaker 1: agrees with everything else, So is choosing to go there, Like.
25:21
Speaker 2: What's his deal?
25:23
Speaker 1: Because obviously, if he's full blown homophobic, absolutely I would
25:27
Speaker 1: not be having a relationship with that person at all.
25:30
Speaker 1: If this person is absolutely not homophobic but more than
25:34
Speaker 1: happy to go to a church that is homophobic, I
25:37
Speaker 1: find that very bizarre, like really really really bizarre. But
25:43
Speaker 1: maybe this person is in need of a community. Maybe
25:48
Speaker 1: that's where they find that they whatever. But I think
25:51
Speaker 1: what is most important for you to identify Number one
25:54
Speaker 1: is can there be a friendship with this person at all?
25:58
Speaker 1: I feel like the answer is no. Moving on to
26:00
Speaker 1: the rest of your friends, I think it was really
26:03
Speaker 1: difficult because you said here you really really cherish the
26:05
Speaker 1: friendship group. Obviously, this friendship group means a lot, and
26:09
Speaker 1: it causes you a lot of pain to have this
26:13
Speaker 1: segregation of them hanging out with him and then them
26:17
Speaker 1: hanging out with you, and then the friends kind of
26:19
Speaker 1: being torn between Okay, well we can't all hang out together.
26:22
Speaker 1: They will obviously upset that you can't all hang out
26:24
Speaker 1: together because they obviously love you and want you to
26:27
Speaker 1: be at all the group hangouts, so it shows that
26:29
Speaker 1: they care. The hard thing is you said, is it
26:33
Speaker 1: fair for me to say I can't be friends with
26:35
Speaker 1: you if you are friends with him? Or is that controlling?
26:39
Speaker 1: It's not necessarily controlling in the sense of you are
26:43
Speaker 1: putting down You've got to ask yourself, is this a
26:45
Speaker 1: boundary that I'm willing to then follow through with the consequences,
26:50
Speaker 1: Because what I mean by that is you are putting
26:54
Speaker 1: them in a position where they're going to have to choose.
26:57
Speaker 1: That's what you're going to be doing, And that's totally
27:00
Speaker 1: okay if you are willing to follow through with the repercussions,
27:03
Speaker 1: because if they say, don't make me choose, then that
27:07
Speaker 1: means that they are not willing to get rid of
27:09
Speaker 1: that friendship, which means that you are now in a
27:11
Speaker 1: situation where you have to cut them out.
27:14
Speaker 2: Are you prepared for that?
27:15
Speaker 1: You have to ask yourself the hard question, am I
27:18
Speaker 1: prepared to make them choose or put them in a
27:21
Speaker 1: situation where I'm going to get my answer by them
27:24
Speaker 1: not choosing? Because if you're not prepared to lose your
27:27
Speaker 1: friendship group, then I wouldn't be doing that. But then again,
27:32
Speaker 1: do you want to be friends with these people who
27:35
Speaker 1: are friends with him? The other hard thing is it's
27:37
Speaker 1: really hard because a lot of people they really value
27:40
Speaker 1: a friendship, Like they obviously really value the friendship with him.
27:44
Speaker 1: But for them, even though they don't agree with the
27:47
Speaker 1: church and whatever, they're choosing to not focus on that
27:50
Speaker 1: aspect of it. They're like, we morally don't align here,
27:53
Speaker 1: but there's so many good things in this friendship that
27:55
Speaker 1: I'm not and it doesn't affect them as personally as
27:57
Speaker 1: it would for you because they're not gay. So for them,
28:00
Speaker 1: while they see it as like, oh, that's not good
28:02
Speaker 1: or this or that, like I personally have literally cut
28:05
Speaker 1: people out of my life because they're homophobic, But maybe
28:07
Speaker 1: your friends aren't.
28:08
Speaker 2: They don't see it, don't.
28:10
Speaker 1: They don't see it as weighing so heavily as they
28:13
Speaker 1: probably should. So I guess from their perspective, they're probably like, oh,
28:20
Speaker 1: but here's our friend, and you're our friend, and he's
28:23
Speaker 1: actually not that homophobic.
28:24
Speaker 2: He just goes to a homophobic.
28:25
Speaker 1: Church, So why can't we just all They're kind of
28:28
Speaker 1: looking at it as like, why can't we just all
28:30
Speaker 1: be friends?
28:30
Speaker 2: Again? I don't think your friends are.
28:33
Speaker 1: Trying to be malicious, but you also have to look
28:35
Speaker 1: at it as can I be their friend in this scenario?
28:39
Speaker 1: Is this possible for me? And there's no right or
28:41
Speaker 1: wrong answer, but there's a very big chance that you
28:44
Speaker 1: will lose that entire friendship group if you make them choose.
28:48
Speaker 1: It's not about controlling behavior. You're allowed to decide what
28:52
Speaker 1: kind of friends are in your life. There's a difference
28:54
Speaker 1: between you protecting yourself versus forcing people to do certain things.
28:58
Speaker 1: You're not forcing anything on them, forcing them to not
29:01
Speaker 1: see him. You're just saying, if you see him, I
29:05
Speaker 1: can't be your friend. That's what you're asking. And if
29:09
Speaker 1: you are willing to lose them as friends for good,
29:13
Speaker 1: then you can confidently go in and ask that question.
29:16
Speaker 1: If you are not willing to lose them as friends,
29:19
Speaker 1: then you need to just go in and explain in
29:22
Speaker 1: a bit more detail why it is that you can't
29:28
Speaker 1: hang out when he is there. But then one thing,
29:30
Speaker 1: I literally just released an episode on resentment, just I
29:34
Speaker 1: don't know when it is in a batch recording a
29:36
Speaker 1: bunch of episodes, so, but it was recent, and I
29:39
Speaker 1: talk about how resentment is like, well, I don't Nelson
29:43
Speaker 1: Mandela says that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting
29:48
Speaker 1: your enemy to die. You are harboring a lot of
29:53
Speaker 1: pain when you see them hang out, and you've got
29:56
Speaker 1: to think, how can I take back power from this situation?
30:00
Speaker 1: So I'm not the one that where I'm being like
30:04
Speaker 1: where I feel like I'm basically combusting from the inside out,
30:09
Speaker 1: where it's causing me so much pain, How am I
30:11
Speaker 1: able to get some power back in this situation, because
30:16
Speaker 1: you should feel empowered by the fact that you've chosen
30:19
Speaker 1: not to socialize with this person. That is your choice,
30:21
Speaker 1: and that is empowering, and you've followed through with that.
30:25
Speaker 1: Now you've got to look at it, is how can
30:26
Speaker 1: I look at it from my friend's perspective? Is there
30:28
Speaker 1: a way of seeing this in a way that doesn't
30:30
Speaker 1: feel like an attack? Is there a way that I
30:32
Speaker 1: can maintain a friendship with these people? Is there a
30:34
Speaker 1: way that I can feel like I have control over
30:36
Speaker 1: this situation and I have some power, But you sitting
30:39
Speaker 1: there seeing photos of them going out and resenting is
30:42
Speaker 1: not that cannot continue to happen. It cannot because you're
30:47
Speaker 1: gonna feel pain regardless, So you've got to choose your pain.
30:50
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, you're either gonna lose everyone and.
30:53
Speaker 1: Then you move on to a different friendship group where
30:55
Speaker 1: this isn't happening, or you're going to find a way
30:58
Speaker 1: to navigate a relationship where you stay friends with them
31:00
Speaker 1: but not with this one guy. But then you have
31:03
Speaker 1: to learn to accept that part of that decision where
31:07
Speaker 1: you are in the power of making that decision, includes
31:10
Speaker 1: them maintaining a relationship, And you've got to make amends
31:13
Speaker 1: with that, because resentment hurts you.
31:17
Speaker 2: Are they in pain? They're not.
31:18
Speaker 1: They get to be friends with everyone. They might not
31:21
Speaker 1: see the severity of it. They're probably not seeing it
31:23
Speaker 1: from the angle that you're seeing it from benefit of
31:25
Speaker 1: the doubt. That's hopefully what's happening. Hopefully they don't not
31:28
Speaker 1: care about you, they're just coming at it from a
31:30
Speaker 1: different perspective. And this friend of yours friend quote ex friends, housemate, roommate,
31:36
Speaker 1: he I don't know what his fucking deal is, but
31:41
Speaker 1: blows my mind that he's there preaching homophobia and then
31:45
Speaker 1: rolling in hot to a gay club, Like you can't
31:48
Speaker 1: get the benefits of a fucking good time at a
31:50
Speaker 1: gay bar and be homophobic? Fuck off, you don't deserve
31:54
Speaker 1: to be here.
31:55
Speaker 2: It's so fucked.
31:56
Speaker 1: I actually also know someone who was like when like
31:59
Speaker 1: full home phobic at a church, but would also go
32:04
Speaker 1: to a gay bar and.
32:05
Speaker 2: Party there because it was the funnest place to be.
32:07
Speaker 1: I'm like, the height of this fucked clown is just
32:12
Speaker 1: like levels that have never been reached before anyway. So
32:15
Speaker 1: as far as that friend if yours, he's like, there's
32:17
Speaker 1: no saving him.
32:18
Speaker 2: But then as far as your other friends.
32:20
Speaker 1: That's what I would I would ask myself, you know,
32:22
Speaker 1: listen to my episode on resentment, and I think that
32:27
Speaker 1: will really help you make the decision on what to
32:29
Speaker 1: do in this situation, because if you're going to continue resenting,
32:33
Speaker 1: you're just going to rot from the inside out and
32:36
Speaker 1: it's only going to hurt you. So you've got to
32:39
Speaker 1: make a decision where you are able to feel like
32:42
Speaker 1: you are empowered.
32:43
Speaker 2: But it's a situation.
32:45
Speaker 1: It's going to hurt regardless, and you've got to decide
32:48
Speaker 1: which which avenue of pain you're going to take. Hopefully
32:51
Speaker 1: that helped, but avoiding pain altogether in this situation isn't
32:53
Speaker 1: going to happen. People hurt people, and it's part of
32:56
Speaker 1: growing through life and it's fucked and it's unfair, but
32:59
Speaker 1: it's your responsibility to move forward in a way that
33:03
Speaker 1: is healthiest for you. Ask yourself, what is going to
33:06
Speaker 1: be the healthiest.
33:07
Speaker 2: Thing for me long term?
33:09
Speaker 1: Not in the short term, because in the short term,
33:11
Speaker 1: I'm going to be doing the thing that feels the
33:13
Speaker 1: least abrasive in this moment, But long term, what's going
33:18
Speaker 1: to be the best thing for me? Is it keeping
33:20
Speaker 1: these friends because they'll come around, they'll learn they're good
33:22
Speaker 1: fucking people.
33:22
Speaker 2: They've had my back. Or is it letting go off
33:24
Speaker 2: them all together because.
33:25
Speaker 1: They just don't fucking get it? Only you can answer that.
33:28
Speaker 1: But if it's a big enough problem, you can let
33:31
Speaker 1: them go. If it's not worth losing them as friends,
33:34
Speaker 1: you can try and manage the situation in another way.
33:36
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I've
33:40
Speaker 1: just had an idea for another episode. I'm going to
33:42
Speaker 1: put this on my story, but I've now started up
33:45
Speaker 1: this voice note thing where people can send in voice
33:49
Speaker 1: notes on my website to be played in my Head
33:52
Speaker 1: Noise episodes and also if you want to email in.
33:55
Speaker 1: But one thing that I'd love to do because I
33:56
Speaker 1: have had quite a few questions around coming out and
33:59
Speaker 1: all of that, but I would love for people to
34:03
Speaker 1: record in or write in their stories of how they
34:08
Speaker 1: came out, how they were feeling in the lead up
34:12
Speaker 1: to it, how it was received, how they're going now,
34:15
Speaker 1: how they've navigated that whole journey.
34:18
Speaker 2: Because I think that the more you hear from different.
34:20
Speaker 1: People's situations and from people's perspective of it, the easier
34:26
Speaker 1: it is for people to look at it from their
34:29
Speaker 1: perspective and how they're going to deal with it. You know,
34:30
Speaker 1: how someone else's survival story is your manual you know,
34:34
Speaker 1: to like move forward. And sometimes someone will say something
34:38
Speaker 1: that will really resonate with you and really click and
34:39
Speaker 1: give you that strength to do that for yourself.
34:41
Speaker 2: So let's do that.
34:43
Speaker 1: If you want to share your story, of course, always
34:45
Speaker 1: anonymous about coming out.
34:47
Speaker 2: How you did it? Was it hard? Was it easy?
34:49
Speaker 1: Did you have support did you not? If not, how
34:51
Speaker 1: did you navigate that? Please send it in and if
34:56
Speaker 1: your voice message is longer than the ninety seconds that's
34:58
Speaker 1: allowed on the website one, then you can send through
35:01
Speaker 1: an MP three file, or you can just write it in.
35:04
Speaker 1: That would be fucking epic. I would really, really really
35:06
Speaker 1: love that. Guys, thank you so much for writing in,
35:10
Speaker 1: for being vulnerable enough to send your questions.
35:12
Speaker 2: I really appreciate it.
35:13
Speaker 1: It means a lot, not just to me, but it
35:15
Speaker 1: really means a lot to my audience. I know you
35:18
Speaker 1: guys appreciated a fuck ton as well, So we as
35:22
Speaker 1: a community love you all for writing in. Appreciate it
35:24
Speaker 1: very much. As always, Thank you so much, love you all. Remember,
35:29
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't
35:31
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
35:34
Speaker 2: Don't it