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Transcript

Death Becomes Very Fine Friends · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  I saw a new phrase today online. Are you familiar with the term Irish goodbye?
• 0:22
  Is that where you just leave?
• 0:23
  Yeah. So yeah, for our listeners at home, it's called an Irish goodbye when you're like at a
• 0:27
  party or something and uh you just leave without saying goodbye to anybody uh i'm a big fan of
• 0:35
  this tactic personally well there are rules to that oh okay like there has to be enough people
• 0:41
  at the event that your exit goes by unnoticed right yeah you can't just like get up from like
• 0:48
  you can't be like francis's neighbor and just get up and walk out completely completely noticed
• 0:55
  uh well anyway the danish have a term for it which i like better than irish goodbye
• 1:01
  the danish call it taking the rat taxi why do they call it this i don't know but it's their
• 1:10
  term for leaving a party without saying goodbye to anybody if you had to justify the name what
• 1:15
  would you say you're a rat for doing that so you're getting out of there you're taking the rat taxi
• 1:20
  oh the rat taxi's here it's here to take the rats out of the party
• 1:24
  okay because people like i like doing that i like taking the rat taxi but i know people don't like it
• 1:31
  when it happens to them i wonder how they culturally how the danish feel about rats because
• 1:38
  that could um yeah maybe they love it maybe they love them yeah i do picture a little rat driving a
• 1:44
  taxi that might be why there's two taxis and people use them as shoes and they drive them away
• 1:52
  yeah straddling both taxis yep yeah that has to be it that's gotta be it the shoes each have a
• 2:00
  little sidecar attached to them i was thinking there was like a big rod connecting them so they
• 2:04
  don't get like too far off yeah yeah stay together but the rod is just a shoelace
• 2:10
  yes feet shoulder with the bark if you had to come up with your own term for
• 2:16
  leaving without notice what would it be oh um i should have known you would ask me this
• 2:22
  question. Yeah, you should have.
• 2:26
  What the goddamn hell? Well, do you have a term?
• 2:29
  You come up with what I should have known you'd ask me after I asked you.
• 2:32
  Yeah. Let's see.
• 2:39
  Let's do a play on peeping Tom. Tom's no longer peeping.
• 2:42
  Sleeping Tom. Why a play on peeping
• 2:46
  Tom? Because he's not looking at the party anymore. He's leaving.
• 2:49
  I like the idea that in your mind, when you're at a party, you're just being pervy.
• 2:55
  So when you leave that party, you stop being pervy.
• 2:59
  Sneaking Tom.
• 3:01
  Sneaking away.
• 3:02
  Reverse delivery.
• 3:07
  Car dash.
• 3:09
  Car dash?
• 3:09
  Yeah.
• 3:11
  Instead of door dash, instead of running to the door, you're running to your car.
• 3:14
  Car dash.
• 3:15
  sounds like the name of a famous like indian executive producer or something
• 3:21
  kardash oh the kardashians now i don't like it oh oh wow i was right there yeah i called a
• 3:27
  kardashian to pick me up i kardash'd yeah i don't know their number so sleeping tom
• 3:34
  tom's taking the rat taxi home to sleep you say ain't no rat taxi
• 3:39
  throw in a
• 3:42
  like
• 3:42
  I was thinking of like two sheets to the wind
• 3:45
  so like sheet throwing
• 3:47
  sheet tossing
• 3:49
  sheet cape
• 3:50
  because you're going so fast the sheet becomes
• 3:53
  a cape in the wind
• 3:55
  it's also like
• 3:59
  sheet cake
• 4:00
  which they often have at parties
• 4:03
  they do, only the good ones
• 4:05
  when I go into a party and there's no sheet cake
• 4:07
  not only do I leave, I overturn furniture
• 4:10
  Oh, so they're very aware of your exit and why you're leaving.
• 4:13
  And I'm screaming no sheet cake as I turn over the couch.
• 4:15
  I'm taking the rat taxi.
• 4:18
  I've already called it.
• 4:20
  What do you do?
• 4:20
  What do you call, what would be a phrase for a dramatic exit from a party?
• 4:25
  So the opposite of an Irish goodbye, the opposite of taking the rat taxi.
• 4:28
  Oh, well now I feel like sheet tossing is that one.
• 4:32
  And I need to come up with a new name for leaving quietly.
• 4:37
  Yeah.
• 4:39
  Um, Gasper.
• 4:44
  Gasper, the angry host.
• 4:50
  Yeah, I think that's it.
• 4:53
  All right.
• 4:54
  Welcome to very fine friends.
• 4:56
  Podcast for friends.
• 4:58
  Talk about stuff.
• 4:59
  Sugar crush.
• 5:01
  Yeah.
• 5:02
  Still having fun with our, our new podcasting toy.
• 5:05
  um well i like your bracelet francis you do yeah thanks someone this is so interesting
• 5:14
  i don't know francis has a blue and green bracelet on right now yeah and it's youthful
• 5:18
  it is youthful it looks fun it looks summery it's made of rubber it's made of it looks like a
• 5:23
  summertime like i could you wear this at the beach you could you could totally i wear it in the shower
• 5:27
  you know this reminds of those little rubber bands that they put on orthodontia yes yeah so let me
• 5:34
  tell you where I got it. Okay. A coworker of mine sent me a shirt. He's like, Oh, do you,
• 5:38
  he had these braces and now he's just punched him real quick. And I made a bracelet. Um,
• 5:46
  he sent me a shirt cause I was like, he's like, Oh, I have an extra like branded shirt if you
• 5:50
  want it. So he's like, he mailed it to me and in the package was this bracelet and it has the
• 5:56
  letter F on it. Wow. But I'm like, how did he get it in the package? Did he, does he package these?
• 6:03
  He might have made it and given it to you.
• 6:05
  But it was in the package with the shirt that was sealed.
• 6:09
  The fuck?
• 6:11
  Was it like just like a little like stick him?
• 6:15
  No.
• 6:16
  No?
• 6:17
  No, it was a full-blown seal.
• 6:19
  Wow.
• 6:23
  So maybe he has a sealing machine.
• 6:29
  Maybe.
• 6:30
  That's an unusual thing to own for the average person.
• 6:32
  It seems like the kind of thing you would own.
• 6:34
  I have one.
• 6:34
  I knew it.
• 6:40
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 6:42
  Yeah.
• 6:43
  So you also do this then?
• 6:46
  So you would like seal clothing into plastic bags to keep them fresh?
• 6:53
  Well, I don't use it for that.
• 6:54
  I could.
• 6:56
  What do you use yours for?
• 6:59
  Other packaging items.
• 7:01
  Oh, okay.
• 7:02
  Are you going to incriminate yourself if you tell us what you use this for?
• 7:06
  No.
• 7:10
  Quick interruption.
• 7:11
  Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
• 7:21
  Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
• 7:29
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 7:34
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 7:39
  And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
• 7:45
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 7:48
  Jenna's secret word is marathon.
• 7:51
  Jenna's decoy word is stalking.
• 7:54
  Francis's secret word is destitute.
• 7:56
  Francis's decoy word is anarchy.
• 7:59
  back to the pod.
• 8:02
  Moving on.
• 8:03
  Well, cool. Super cool.
• 8:06
  That's nice of him to have given you a little bracelet.
• 8:09
  Yeah, and you know what? Jenna has a nice bracelet on too.
• 8:11
  It was actually a gift from Joe, if I recall.
• 8:13
  It was. It was a Christmas gift from Joe,
• 8:15
  and I hadn't had a chance to wear it recently,
• 8:17
  and I was like, I want to look fancy.
• 8:18
  I'm going to wear my nice bracelet.
• 8:21
  Thank you, baby.
• 8:22
  Yes, good.
• 8:25
  You guys don't even need me anymore.
• 8:29
  Well, no, that's not true because you know what does not come preloaded into our roadcaster?
• 8:36
  The invention of the week.
• 8:42
  Inventions.
• 8:45
  Hey, Jenna.
• 8:46
  Hey.
• 8:49
  You know how it's getting hot again?
• 8:53
  I do know that.
• 8:55
  Do you know how that sucks?
• 8:57
  I do know that.
• 8:59
  You know how we give almost anything to be cool?
• 9:01
  I do know that.
• 9:03
  Well, then strap yourself down because you are going to love this.
• 9:08
  Okay, I'm strapped.
• 9:09
  She's in there.
• 9:09
  Oh, no, there's a fire.
• 9:10
  What do I do?
• 9:11
  Oh, no.
• 9:12
  What do I save?
• 9:12
  Whatever your cooling invention is will help me around the fire.
• 9:16
  You would think that would logically follow, but it doesn't.
• 9:19
  I was just being stupid.
• 9:20
  Okay.
• 9:21
  But check this out.
• 9:23
  Okay.
• 9:24
  It's really cool.
• 9:25
  Okay.
• 9:26
  I can't wait for it to be really cool.
• 9:28
  So I was thinking to myself, God, I hate being outside, but sometimes you have to be outside.
• 9:35
  And I went to the Renaissance Festival recently.
• 9:37
  I told you this and I was 105 plus degrees and I bought a neck fan.
• 9:41
  Yeah.
• 9:41
  And it didn't do shit.
• 9:43
  Yeah.
• 9:44
  And I was like, what the hell?
• 9:46
  Yeah.
• 9:46
  This is all internal.
• 9:48
  I know.
• 9:49
  While they were jousting, this isn't doing shit.
• 9:53
  What the hell?
• 9:55
  Please stop the joust.
• 9:56
  I need to make an announcement.
• 9:59
  Anyway, check this.
• 10:04
  My invention this week is, how do I explain this?
• 10:11
  You're on the sidewalk.
• 10:13
  Yeah.
• 10:14
  It's hot as balls.
• 10:16
  Luckily for you, there is my invention, which is something that goes,
• 10:23
  it's like you step into you know there's like tents that are like they're on like sticks and
• 10:29
  then there's like a tent yeah most of it's kind of exposed it's like that but the sticks are on
• 10:34
  wheels and it's not fully exposed there's like see-through plastic walls and it's an air
• 10:39
  conditioned traveling pergola that you move with you it's like a baby bumper for adults that covers
• 10:47
  you completely you can see out of it and lets you walk down the sidewalk completely encapsulated
• 10:52
  by wonderful air conditioning.
• 10:57
  Okay.
• 11:00
  I'm, for some reason,
• 11:01
  the first thing that pops into my head
• 11:03
  is in the karate kid at the Christmas party
• 11:07
  when he goes as like the bathtub with the curtain.
• 11:10
  I don't know if that is pulling an image up for me.
• 11:13
  Oh.
• 11:14
  Yeah, I'll check it out.
• 11:14
  Okay.
• 11:15
  Keep going.
• 11:16
  Yeah.
• 11:17
  But anyway, that's sort of, but okay.
• 11:19
  My first thought is, wouldn't it be large?
• 11:27
  Like, what if you had a whole bunch of people walking around the street?
• 11:31
  Or did you just pull up the picture?
• 11:33
  Yeah, it's like that.
• 11:36
  It's like that with a roof.
• 11:38
  Yeah.
• 11:39
  Wouldn't that take up a lot of space?
• 11:41
  Some.
• 11:42
  Keep in mind, there are fat people already taking up space, so it's nothing new.
• 11:46
  Well.
• 11:47
  It's just not a person, it's equipment.
• 11:49
  I'm assuming it would be a little harder to maneuver her with your pergola.
• 11:53
  You know what I think would happen?
• 11:55
  Hmm.
• 11:58
  People would get out of the way and go around you.
• 12:01
  Or they would have one and there would be a line.
• 12:07
  Okay.
• 12:10
  I don't...
• 12:12
  Okay.
• 12:13
  We'll put the question of how big is it to the side.
• 12:17
  how how are how is it keeping you cool what is it is there like a mister inside you said it's
• 12:27
  air conditioned yeah it's air conditioned i never said to mister and i wouldn't say mister because
• 12:32
  some people get perms and they can't have that yeah also they're going to work you don't want
• 12:38
  to show up wet well no i agree but i mean but now i'm thinking so what you have like a little motor
• 12:44
  with its electricity?
• 12:45
  Yeah, it's solar-powered.
• 12:47
  Okay.
• 12:48
  To take advantage of that.
• 12:50
  To take advantage of that.
• 12:53
  How heavy is this motor, this air conditioner?
• 12:57
  Well, keep in mind it's on wheels,
• 12:58
  so the weight's really not an issue.
• 13:00
  And inside it has two traveling sticks
• 13:02
  that you can hold onto as you move.
• 13:05
  Okay.
• 13:07
  How portable is this thing?
• 13:11
  Super and highly portable.
• 13:13
  How?
• 13:13
  How?
• 13:14
  The wheels.
• 13:14
  no no no i mean not portable while you're using it like let's say you get out of your car
• 13:20
  you're going to the renaissance festival you have to unpack this from your car
• 13:26
  oh i set it up i see i see i see yeah yeah like i'm thinking like like a stroller yeah
• 13:32
  like a stroller yeah but let me explain the legs of which there are four
• 13:37
  fold.
• 13:40
  They collapse like a blind stick.
• 13:43
  Like a what?
• 13:44
  You know, like a walking stick.
• 13:45
  Oh, a blind stick.
• 13:48
  Yeah So like but then when you pull them together there a lock so they don they can just collapse on you when you open it up So basically it folds in half So picture this
• 14:00
  And audience, my hands are together because I'm the device.
• 14:06
  It opens up because the motor's always right there, right?
• 14:10
  So it's collapsed to the width of the motor of the air conditioner.
• 14:14
  And then you open it, and it's slightly wider than you,
• 14:17
  and then you expand the sticks
• 14:20
  and then you set it on the ground
• 14:22
  and you can go where you want to go.
• 14:25
  Okay.
• 14:27
  Could this be used for more than one person?
• 14:31
  We have different sizes,
• 14:34
  but to respect the sidewalks,
• 14:35
  you have to be single file,
• 14:37
  so you have to be behind the person walking.
• 14:40
  So you could just have a really long one?
• 14:43
  Yeah, like a caterpillar model?
• 14:45
  Yeah.
• 14:45
  Yeah.
• 14:46
  Or like one of those Chinese dragons that they do at parades and like Chinese New Year and stuff.
• 14:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:54
  You know what I'm talking about?
• 14:54
  Invariably, I do.
• 14:57
  Okay.
• 14:59
  So, any other questions?
• 15:05
  I just keep thinking that this is just too, there's no way this isn't obtrusive.
• 15:15
  it's not, it's, it's half the width of a sidewalk that,
• 15:24
  but I mean, you get people, you know, people on sidewalks, they got places to go.
• 15:32
  Um, and there's a lot of hustle and bustle. Uh, people, people don't really, okay, here's another
• 15:40
  thing let's say you got one coming at you the opposite direction and there's one you're behind
• 15:45
  one and you can't pass and like let's say the people inside are slow that would be really
• 15:50
  frustrating you'd be stuck behind them yeah on the back of the device there's a qr code you can scan
• 15:58
  and it gives you a discount if you buy one if you were delayed by the people in front of you
• 16:04
  well but why would you want one of those if you can see if in real time you're like this thing's
• 16:10
  annoying the shit out of me. Yeah, I know. I want a discount to buy one.
• 16:14
  Well, you're forgetting you're hot. So it's first it says, are you hot
• 16:18
  and angry? Click on the QR code.
• 16:26
  But I
• 16:27
  I don't know. People, if people are hot and angry on the
• 16:34
  sidewalk, they're treating that situation like a sprint,
• 16:38
  not a marathon.
• 16:39
  They want to get wherever they're going as fast as possible.
• 16:42
  Right.
• 16:43
  So they're not going to stop to get QR codes and just hope that having one
• 16:50
  themselves will take away the annoyance right now.
• 16:53
  Okay.
• 16:54
  You remember those coupon dispensers that they used to have at stores when you
• 16:57
  walk by and it would stick out a coupon.
• 16:59
  Yeah.
• 16:59
  We can have one of those just attached to every device.
• 17:02
  Yeah.
• 17:03
  Yeah.
• 17:05
  And they could be say different things.
• 17:08
  Like what?
• 17:11
  Thanks for walking by.
• 17:13
  Appreciate your patience.
• 17:14
  Oh, so it's not even dispensing savings.
• 17:18
  No, it does.
• 17:18
  It says thank you, and then it says,
• 17:21
  here's a $5 coupon to Dairy Queen.
• 17:23
  Get a Blizzard.
• 17:24
  Oh, so we're giving away discounts.
• 17:27
  It's a partnership because Dairy Queen also wants you to be cool.
• 17:30
  And the top flaps can say Dairy Queen.
• 17:34
  So what about Rocco's Modern Life?
• 17:38
  You know it, baby.
• 17:41
  Oh, Wallaby cool.
• 17:43
  We got to write that down.
• 17:44
  As a name?
• 17:45
  Yeah.
• 17:48
  Too cool to be hot.
• 17:49
  I like that too.
• 17:53
  Frigid bitch.
• 17:57
  What other names do we have?
• 17:59
  Let's hear it, Joe.
• 18:00
  Hot and happy.
• 18:02
  Hot and happy.
• 18:04
  H2.
• 18:06
  Oh.
• 18:08
  it's my own thing don't worry about it too cool to be what was that cool to be hot too cool to be
• 18:13
  hot well that will make people think well you're definitely not going to look hot in one of these
• 18:19
  things well you're not let's be real second how much privacy are you afforded in one of these
• 18:26
  the flaps come in different opaque levels okay are you worried about what people will be doing
• 18:32
  inside of their little moving tents is
• 18:35
  motivated. Get your own. Take a coupon.
• 18:44
  I'm worried that you're going to get some real creepy adults.
• 18:48
  They're just wandering around. They could stay outside all day long because it's air conditioned.
• 18:51
  They're just like doing there. I think that's fine because
• 18:55
  really. Well, here's the thing. There's always going to be creepy
• 18:59
  adults. Yeah, but at least
• 19:01
  now they're in a
• 19:02
  secret private room.
• 19:05
  Who cares what they're doing?
• 19:07
  A secret private mobile room.
• 19:10
  They can
• 19:10
  just walk behind you.
• 19:14
  Oh, right this.
• 19:15
  Frigid Pharaoh. Remember how they
• 19:17
  used to carry the Pharaohs?
• 19:22
  Right?
• 19:23
  Mia Pharaoh.
• 19:25
  That's a Pharaoh.
• 19:25
  us okay yeah you would so here's here's the thing you're you don't have to worry about maybe
• 19:38
  you don't need to worry about having this in your own car these could be like those line bikes out
• 19:43
  and about and you could just take one and then leave it wherever you drop it off see a pergola
• 19:50
  take a pergola god i hope that's not your word let's see um again but one of the things about
• 19:59
  those scooters is that they're everywhere they're abandoned till they're used i've abandoned my
• 20:06
  scooter um no the no they just like get left on the side of the road and like
• 20:14
  like that not at regular drop off pickup points.
• 20:21
  Maybe my thing's better than that thing.
• 20:24
  Maybe my thing is bigger and more unwieldy when it's 110 outside.
• 20:29
  Trust me.
• 20:30
  You're going to want the solstice shade.
• 20:33
  Isn't this going to just,
• 20:36
  aren't they all going to,
• 20:37
  okay,
• 20:38
  well I think you need to own them.
• 20:39
  I don't think that they can be a kind of pick them up because otherwise,
• 20:43
  especially, you know, in hot, hotter climbs, like we like that climbs shit.
• 20:54
  Sugar crush. Oh no, no.
• 21:01
  Okay. So in hotter areas, um, it could,
• 21:08
  there's going to be a lot of people, let's say, that
• 21:13
  don't have houses or places with air conditioning to go.
• 21:17
  Are you referring to the destitute population of the homeless?
• 21:20
  Yes, I am.
• 21:23
  They're listeners. I wanted to be nice to them.
• 21:25
  This is free, isn't it?
• 21:26
  Yeah.
• 21:27
  And we do drive by downtown with a boombox.
• 21:29
  Yeah.
• 21:31
  The car with two speakers on top, just playing it.
• 21:35
  I have very fine friends.
• 21:36
  yeah i really hope that's not it
• 21:40
  okay i still think this is wildly unwieldy and it's just gonna it will look hilarious though
• 21:49
  just to see like a little moving box going down moving litter yeah yeah especially if it's to get
• 21:54
  like the family one the family pack it's like really long the caterpillar yeah or the worm
• 22:02
  yep side box instead of sidewalks oh we can spell it b-a-l-k yeah because people will be
• 22:12
  barking at you as you pass by in it well will people take these indoors like i know park it
• 22:21
  there'll be parking spaces for them i thank you for giving me a look like i'm insane yeah you
• 22:25
  dumbass instead of handicap spaces there will be litter spaces oh good so we're getting rid of
• 22:31
  Pantycap spaces.
• 22:32
  Good job.
• 22:33
  I did say instead of, didn't I?
• 22:35
  Yeah.
• 22:36
  People will bring like chains wherever they go
• 22:38
  so they can like lock it around something.
• 22:41
  Maybe you can have an ignition.
• 22:42
  You have to have a key.
• 22:44
  No, I'm imagining how funny it would be
• 22:46
  to have someone chasing after another person
• 22:49
  in their litter as they're running away with it.
• 22:53
  But you're sweating and you can't make it
• 22:56
  and you fall down.
• 22:57
  But yeah, and they're nice and cool.
• 23:00
  Yeah.
• 23:00
  advantage thief yeah
• 23:02
  yeah advantage thief
• 23:06
  hot thief
• 23:07
  you say write that down yeah
• 23:11
  okay I'm writing hot thief down
• 23:13
  thanks
• 23:14
  okay just to
• 23:16
  just to recap we got
• 23:19
  wallaby cool
• 23:21
  frigid bitch
• 23:24
  hot and happy
• 23:28
  too cool to be hot
• 23:29
  frigid pharaoh like that one side box
• 23:35
  hot thief i was i couldn't read my own handwriting for a second
• 23:41
  hot thief i love this i like frigid bitch yeah it's fun it's winky yeah okay
• 23:49
  I think, uh, uh, okay. Well, I, I'm sure this will be on sidewalks everywhere.
• 24:00
  Totally. Starting very soon. Yeah. It'll be ubiquitous. Probably.
• 24:09
  Probably, uh, soon as this episode airs. So go to very fine friends.com.
• 24:16
  get one
• 24:18
  yeah get one
• 24:21
  they're going to be there
• 24:22
  and you can get as many branded kinds as you want
• 24:24
  we accept American Express as well
• 24:26
  if you
• 24:28
  want
• 24:29
  we'll have discount
• 24:31
  you can either have a branded one which will cost a little more
• 24:34
  or if you want to have one that has
• 24:35
  advertising on it for something else
• 24:38
  or if you want to be a
• 24:40
  walking Dairy Queen
• 24:42
  discount giver
• 24:43
  you can do that too
• 24:45
  Or you can send in a, uh, upload a picture.
• 24:47
  And as long as you promise you own it legally, we can print it on the canvas for more money.
• 24:53
  Yeah.
• 24:54
  So go to very fine friends.com and order your frigid bitch today.
• 25:02
  That wraps up the invention of the week.
• 25:09
  Okay.
• 25:10
  So, uh, I feel like Francis,
• 25:14
  I just would like to point out,
• 25:17
  listeners won't know this,
• 25:18
  but we can tell in studio,
• 25:21
  you and I are real suspicious today
• 25:23
  with our words.
• 25:25
  I think it's because we're really close in points.
• 25:27
  Yeah.
• 25:28
  Listeners, anytime you hear
• 25:30
  a three-second silence
• 25:31
  and nothing funny has been said,
• 25:33
  that's because Jenna or Francis
• 25:35
  is looking at the other one with narrow eyes.
• 25:38
  Anytime Francis said something
• 25:39
  and then I just go,
• 25:40
  that's me writing down a word
• 25:43
  because I suspiciously, I am suspicious of him.
• 25:50
  As you should be.
• 25:51
  Yeah.
• 25:52
  I already have a whole bunch of words written down.
• 25:54
  I know you do.
• 25:55
  As do I.
• 25:55
  Last time, we were more than halfway through the episode
• 26:01
  and I forgot that I was supposed to even be thinking about it.
• 26:07
  Not today, Satan.
• 26:09
  All right.
• 26:11
  Well, on that note, it's time for our next segment.
• 26:17
  Interview with a man hired.
• 26:22
  From author Anne Rice, we give you interview with a man hired.
• 26:32
  Damn, I'm good.
• 26:34
  Cold for laughter.
• 26:35
  this segment francis and i will be interviewing for jobs and boy we hope we get them yeah
• 26:49
  come on in oh hi hi i'm sorry sorry well can i start over again can i start over again well
• 27:01
  you never get a second chance at a first impression or do I,
• 27:04
  Ooh,
• 27:04
  he's bold.
• 27:05
  Yes.
• 27:06
  Okay.
• 27:07
  I'll bite.
• 27:09
  Hi,
• 27:10
  how are you?
• 27:10
  Oh,
• 27:11
  hello.
• 27:12
  Shake it.
• 27:13
  Ooh.
• 27:14
  Oh,
• 27:14
  firm.
• 27:15
  Uh huh.
• 27:15
  Very firm.
• 27:16
  That's how I like my mattresses to have a seat.
• 27:18
  Hmm.
• 27:19
  Oh,
• 27:20
  I see you bought.
• 27:21
  I prefer to stand.
• 27:22
  Oh,
• 27:23
  Hmm.
• 27:25
  Okay.
• 27:26
  Yeah.
• 27:26
  Let me just get the chair out of here then.
• 27:28
  Thank you.
• 27:29
  Yeah.
• 27:30
  Um,
• 27:31
  I guess I'll stand too.
• 27:32
  Ha, I'm starting a trend.
• 27:33
  I love that.
• 27:34
  That's one thing you'll get to know about me as I'm a, I'm a leader.
• 27:37
  I'm a trendsetter.
• 27:38
  What's your name?
• 27:40
  Dick Rickman Dick Rick Oh we already have a Dick Rickman No you don Hold on one second Beep Kathy fire Dick Rickman one
• 27:54
  Dick Rickman's been fired.
• 27:57
  Thanks, Joel.
• 27:59
  Well.
• 27:59
  Yeah.
• 28:00
  I make sure to clear the way of all other Dick Rickmans when I interview for a job.
• 28:06
  Great.
• 28:06
  Well, I have your resume here, but there's nothing on it.
• 28:09
  That's right.
• 28:10
  Because as far as I'm concerned, nothing came before your company and there will be nothing after it.
• 28:18
  My history doesn't matter.
• 28:19
  The only thing that matters is the here, the now, with you, with your company.
• 28:25
  Wow, pretty strong feelings for an STD clinic.
• 28:28
  What can I say?
• 28:30
  I love what you do.
• 28:33
  Love it.
• 28:34
  Okay, all right.
• 28:35
  I love the enthusiasm.
• 28:36
  Makes me think I got a real guy here.
• 28:40
  You're a guy, right?
• 28:41
  Oh, does this answer your question?
• 28:45
  Just kidding.
• 28:46
  I'm not about to whip out big dick.
• 28:50
  That's what I call my penis.
• 28:52
  I'm little dick.
• 28:55
  It's okay.
• 28:55
  We know this is a safe space, but as long as whatever makes you comfortable.
• 28:58
  Thank you.
• 28:59
  We do have some practical exercises for all of our interviewees.
• 29:03
  I hope you don't mind participating.
• 29:05
  Not at all.
• 29:07
  Okay. Well, the first task is for you to deliver bad news to me and constructive criticism because we want to make sure people have, you know, the right communication skills.
• 29:17
  Okay.
• 29:19
  Whenever you're ready.
• 29:23
  Listen, Mr. Thompson, there's no easy way to say this.
• 29:30
  I've been sleeping with your wife.
• 29:31
  I want you to know
• 29:33
  We took full use of your clinic
• 29:36
  Ahead of time
• 29:37
  We're both clean
• 29:38
  She didn't pass you anything
• 29:40
  I would never do that to you
• 29:42
  Now
• 29:44
  She would like to still be married to you
• 29:46
  She just wants to keep sleeping with me on the side
• 29:48
  And I know
• 29:50
  Man to man
• 29:51
  I'm looking in your eyes
• 29:53
  And I can tell
• 29:54
  That you respect that
• 29:55
  You will respect her wishes
• 29:57
  And that you don't mind
• 29:59
  that she's nicknamed my penis Mr. Thompson.
• 30:05
  He doesn't like big dick.
• 30:06
  She likes Mr. Thompson as the name of my penis.
• 30:09
  So anyway, that's the news.
• 30:13
  That's interesting.
• 30:14
  Normally people keep it work-related.
• 30:16
  That was fresh.
• 30:17
  That was new.
• 30:18
  Hmm, that's right.
• 30:19
  It was about my wife.
• 30:20
  And I'll leave it to you to figure out whether or not
• 30:24
  that was real bad news I was delivering
• 30:25
  or just something for this hypothetical.
• 30:27
  goal. Thank you, Mr.
• 30:31
  Altman,
• 30:32
  Ackman, Dick Rickman.
• 30:34
  Rickman. Yes.
• 30:36
  By the way,
• 30:38
  tell Gina
• 30:38
  the enchiladas she made last night were great.
• 30:42
  Wow. Full commitment.
• 30:43
  Her name is Gina. Yeah. Oh, I know.
• 30:46
  Beep.
• 30:47
  Call my wife and tell her that she
• 30:49
  needs to be somewhere else when I get home.
• 30:51
  Thanks.
• 30:54
  She's already played
• 30:55
  and I'm being somewhere else. Mr.
• 30:57
  Thompson. Thank you. Uh, let's see. Do I have any other questions for you?
• 31:03
  Hmm. When can I start? Uh, do you have any, um, any, any issues that might make hiring you a
• 31:11
  problem? I'm asking about weaknesses, quirks, diseases. I can't, I can't ask about diseases,
• 31:17
  but you can offer. Well, as my papa old Dick Rickman senior used to say,
• 31:25
  only one weakness that a man can have and that's not given the world his strength
• 31:33
  i do not have that weakness so i have no weaknesses oh let me write that down also herpes
• 31:40
  no weaknesses or herpes no i do have herpes oh gonna scratch that one out i found out at your
• 31:46
  clinic.
• 31:49
  When did you find this out?
• 31:51
  On my way in.
• 31:54
  Got handed these results on my way in.
• 31:57
  Oh.
• 31:59
  Beep.
• 32:00
  Remember to get tested for herpes?
• 32:02
  Thanks, Joel.
• 32:05
  The giant sore on your face tells me you have it, Mr. Thompson.
• 32:10
  Women are funny.
• 32:13
  So, well, I'm frazzled.
• 32:16
  You frazzled and bedazzled me.
• 32:19
  I'll tell you what.
• 32:20
  We'll give you a call.
• 32:22
  To tell me when I start?
• 32:24
  To tell you if you start.
• 32:26
  I don't know how it works at the last place.
• 32:27
  You didn't work according to your resume,
• 32:29
  but we have a lot of primo candidates.
• 32:32
  Oh, really?
• 32:33
  Yeah.
• 32:34
  Unless you can do something right now to blow my socks off.
• 32:36
  I don't know.
• 32:40
  Can you cure herpes?
• 32:46
  Well, you tell me.
• 32:51
  Do you consider laughter medicine?
• 32:55
  Goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie, goochie.
• 32:58
  Oh, my God, it fell off.
• 33:00
  You're hired.
• 33:01
  Welcome, little dick.
• 33:04
  Well, thank you very much, Mr. Thompson.
• 33:11
  Hi, come on in.
• 33:14
  Oh, hi.
• 33:14
  Thanks.
• 33:15
  Hey.
• 33:15
  Thank you.
• 33:15
  hi hi hi can it is it okay to make eye contact oh yeah yeah no no don't be don't be nervous
• 33:25
  don't be nervous oh why hi i don't bite why would you say that though scary no because i don't you
• 33:32
  don't bite do yeah things that bite don't usually announce that they bite my last boss bit me
• 33:37
  did he tell you he bit what bites before he bit you no he just bit me it was during an annual
• 33:43
  performance review. Oh, currently I have a lawsuit going on. It's called Liz pendens.
• 33:48
  That means lawsuit bending. Oh, I learned that from my lawyer. Okay. Um, so you're litigious.
• 33:55
  I prefer the term Sue happy. Sue happy. Okay. I guess that's a fun spin on it. Yeah. I don't
• 34:02
  want to be taken advantage of. So I hope that's not what you're trying to do. Oh no. Um, this was,
• 34:08
  this is a voluntary interview.
• 34:10
  You applied.
• 34:12
  I did not seek you out.
• 34:14
  Oh, got a little high pitch on that last one.
• 34:16
  You scared me a little bit.
• 34:17
  Are you getting mad?
• 34:18
  No.
• 34:19
  You want to bite me?
• 34:21
  Do you, I'm sorry, do you,
• 34:22
  do you or do you not want to be bitten?
• 34:25
  I don't.
• 34:27
  No.
• 34:29
  Good.
• 34:30
  All right, good.
• 34:30
  Well, there will be no biting.
• 34:32
  Okay.
• 34:33
  Here's my CV.
• 34:34
  Oh, yeah.
• 34:36
  Curriculum vitae.
• 34:37
  Very good.
• 34:38
  Oh, you have a whole section here for previous arrests.
• 34:48
  Yes, I do.
• 34:50
  That was not something we were asking for.
• 34:55
  Well, I figured it was going to come up on the background.
• 34:58
  We don't generally do too rigorous of a background check here at PetSmart.
• 35:08
  Oh, ooh.
• 35:11
  Why?
• 35:11
  You have multiple arrests for stalking?
• 35:16
  And perversion.
• 35:18
  Oh, oh, that's right.
• 35:20
  Sorry, I didn't make it past stalking.
• 35:23
  Perversion.
• 35:24
  Ooh.
• 35:25
  Yeah.
• 35:26
  Regular stalking, just so you know, is super common.
• 35:30
  But stalking and perversion is very rare.
• 35:35
  Is that like breaking and entering?
• 35:37
  like they go they go together they don't they don't know yeah basically like here's an example
• 35:42
  you might follow someone that you're interested in home and if they turn around and see you you
• 35:46
  stick your time and go that's one way to be it wait is that the perversion part yeah you got to
• 35:52
  add a little something oh like a little grab and honk are you familiar with that term no is that is
• 35:59
  that is that a fun little term like sue happy yeah it's grabbing honk yeah yeah yeah it's pretty
• 36:04
  self-explanatory. Yeah. Yeah. So just so you know, I invent things because that crime wasn't on the
• 36:10
  books until I invented it. Ooh, trendsetter. Yeah. Write that down and put it in subscript and big
• 36:16
  script. See those words are font terms. So as you know, I know Microsoft office suite. Oh, good,
• 36:21
  good, good, good, good, good. Well, I have access to personal health information of sexy coworkers.
• 36:28
  Wait, Oh, of coworker. We have access to your own. And I suppose, I mean, I can't stop someone.
• 36:33
  if you ask them, I would prefer maybe you not ask them.
• 36:38
  If you know someone well enough that you could ask them in a friendly way,
• 36:43
  yeah, you could do that.
• 36:44
  Okay, I like to hear that because the last place I worked was like total anarchy.
• 36:48
  Total anarchy, like everyone was asking everybody all the time?
• 36:53
  Yeah, no one knew what to say.
• 36:54
  Whoa, so what did you say?
• 36:57
  I stood up and I said, as head pervert, follow me.
• 37:01
  Oh, how many people followed you?
• 37:03
  No, nobody
• 37:04
  Oh, so
• 37:06
  I actually got
• 37:07
  I got fired for
• 37:08
  For declaring
• 37:09
  Self-pervertedness
• 37:11
  That's when I came up with the crime
• 37:13
  Yeah
• 37:13
  They didn't know
• 37:14
  They didn't know
• 37:14
  I was trying to
• 37:15
  Oh
• 37:15
  So you arrested yourself for this crime
• 37:18
  Stalking and perversion
• 37:20
  I turned myself
• 37:20
  First I stalked
• 37:21
  I perverted
• 37:22
  And then I called the police
• 37:24
  And I said, whoops
• 37:24
  Oh, you perverted first
• 37:27
  Yes
• 37:27
  Oh, that's interesting
• 37:29
  And then
• 37:29
  You subtly follow people afterwards?
• 37:33
  Yes.
• 37:35
  Oh.
• 37:36
  So you're openly very perverted to them,
• 37:39
  and then you follow them.
• 37:41
  Isn't stalking more effective if you just,
• 37:46
  they don't know who you are, or they don't know?
• 37:48
  When you make someone uncomfortable,
• 37:50
  it makes following them more fun.
• 37:52
  Yeah, because now they're en garde.
• 37:54
  That's a French term?
• 37:57
  Oh.
• 37:58
  Oh, now they're en garde.
• 37:59
  Like they're fencing
• 38:01
  Yes, you should write down multilingual
• 38:03
  Okay
• 38:05
  I also know the word for cheese
• 38:06
  Oh, what's that?
• 38:09
  Quesarito
• 38:09
  In French?
• 38:12
  Yes, it's the southern France term for cheese
• 38:14
  Beautiful language
• 38:16
  It's, yeah, gorgeon
• 38:18
  It's French for gorgeous
• 38:20
  Oh, multilingual
• 38:23
  Great, I'm learning so much about stalking
• 38:26
  And perversion, mostly perversion
• 38:29
  Tell me more about that
• 38:31
  Well, it started when I was 15
• 38:34
  And I went to Goodwill and there was a donation box
• 38:39
  That they hadn't checked in yet and it was full of underwear
• 38:42
  So you're a charitable fellow, Goodwill
• 38:45
  Oh yes, I think you said terrible
• 38:48
  No charitable
• 38:49
  No judgment during the interview please
• 38:51
  No, no, no, I wouldn't dare
• 38:52
  Yeah, so I, well no, I was going to steal actually
• 38:57
  because I felt like it.
• 39:02
  Sometimes you feel like stealing.
• 39:04
  Sometimes you do.
• 39:05
  And honestly, Goodwill, everything there is so cheap.
• 39:08
  It's like you're not really stealing anything.
• 39:10
  Yeah, plus they got it for free.
• 39:11
  You're going to file a complaint.
• 39:12
  You got it for free.
• 39:14
  Yeah.
• 39:14
  Anyway, I saw the box of underwear,
• 39:16
  and I happened to see the person who dropped it off.
• 39:18
  Total smoke show.
• 39:19
  Oh.
• 39:21
  So, and then there was a name on the box and an address.
• 39:23
  So I was like, my first stocking perverse was super easy because I just went to that place.
• 39:30
  Yeah.
• 39:31
  And I kept putting pairs of underwear in the nail blocks every day.
• 39:37
  And then they caught me.
• 39:38
  And I got to tell you, what a rush.
• 39:40
  Oh, you like what?
• 39:41
  Oh, yes.
• 39:42
  They were like, what the hell?
• 39:43
  This is why you have it so many times on your on your resume.
• 39:47
  Yes.
• 39:47
  Because you were caught so many.
• 39:48
  I was caught and I loved it.
• 39:50
  It's a real lip biter.
• 39:51
  You know when you like, something feels so good, you just got to bite your bottom lip and look up?
• 39:57
  Yeah.
• 39:58
  Daily, daily.
• 40:00
  Wow.
• 40:00
  Yeah.
• 40:01
  Anyway.
• 40:02
  Follows his dreams.
• 40:04
  Yeah.
• 40:05
  Sorry, writing that down?
• 40:06
  Good, good.
• 40:06
  Yeah.
• 40:09
  I can do anything.
• 40:11
  I can be anyone.
• 40:14
  Like, okay, how would you stalk me?
• 40:18
  How would you pervert me?
• 40:20
  Oh, well, okay.
• 40:21
  I don't normally work for free.
• 40:23
  No.
• 40:23
  Well,
• 40:23
  Hey,
• 40:24
  this is,
• 40:24
  don't think of this as working for free.
• 40:26
  Think of this as an investment in your future.
• 40:29
  Think about like this.
• 40:30
  You,
• 40:30
  you demonstrate this here now,
• 40:32
  and then that'll go a long way towards getting you the job.
• 40:36
  Okay.
• 40:37
  I'm finding this very interesting.
• 40:38
  I feel like there could be a lot of practical applications for this.
• 40:42
  Spitballing here,
• 40:43
  just throwing things around.
• 40:44
  Um,
• 40:45
  just,
• 40:45
  uh,
• 40:46
  maybe I would wait until you got a boyfriend who,
• 40:50
  You're going to be waiting a while.
• 40:54
  I know a guy.
• 40:55
  Oh, great.
• 40:56
  Yeah.
• 40:56
  Well, we could talk after this.
• 40:58
  Okay.
• 40:59
  Anyway, I'd wait until you had someone, but they weren't that into you.
• 41:03
  Well, that'll be a shorter wait.
• 41:07
  Sorry.
• 41:08
  Self-deprecating humor.
• 41:09
  No, it's hot.
• 41:10
  Yeah.
• 41:11
  Totally stalkable, by the way.
• 41:13
  By the way, I mean that.
• 41:14
  Thank you.
• 41:14
  That's just because you're a potential boss.
• 41:16
  God, thank you.
• 41:16
  You know what?
• 41:17
  I didn't know it, but I needed to hear that today.
• 41:19
  I could kill you even.
• 41:19
  Oh yeah, I've never done that.
• 41:22
  You're not just saying that look at me.
• 41:24
  Oh, do I look like someone who would lie about killing?
• 41:26
  No, you don't.
• 41:27
  Yeah.
• 41:28
  Lock your doors.
• 41:29
  So I'm saying, okay, done.
• 41:31
  All right, keep going.
• 41:32
  Well if I was just doing a simple stocking perv on you I think I wait to get the boyfriend They weren that interested Then I would start like leaving weird notes and following you around in like grocery stores Like you would see me and like you be like oh my God is that
• 41:49
  is that the guy?
• 41:50
  Right.
• 41:50
  But you wouldn't know for sure.
• 41:51
  And that would keep happening, you know, like shave your cat.
• 41:56
  And then the whole idea is you tell your boyfriend
• 41:58
  because you want him to do something about it.
• 42:00
  But he's not that into you.
• 42:01
  So he's not really, and then you're becoming a problem.
• 42:04
  Now I'm suddenly not worth the headache
• 42:06
  Exactly, he just wants a good time, a good quick fun time
• 42:08
  Yeah
• 42:09
  He leaves you
• 42:09
  I'm none of those things
• 42:10
  He leaves, now I can amp it up
• 42:12
  And we can include elements of fear
• 42:13
  Now there's no one to help
• 42:15
  So you have isolated you, do you understand?
• 42:17
  So now, Dr. Knickerbocker is shaved
• 42:21
  That's my cat
• 42:23
  Yes
• 42:24
  And I'm alone
• 42:25
  Yeah, shaved cat and all alone
• 42:27
  And then what happens is I break one of your windows
• 42:31
  But a week before I'd left a business card
• 42:34
  For glass, a glazer
• 42:35
  Oh
• 42:37
  Yeah, but it's me
• 42:39
  So you know that
• 42:41
  When I show up
• 42:43
  I open my trench coat to you
• 42:45
  There's the perv
• 42:46
  Oh
• 42:47
  Wait, I'm trying to picture
• 42:50
  Oh, wait, I didn't ask for this
• 42:53
  Oh
• 42:54
  Oh
• 42:55
  So that's how I do it
• 42:58
  Quick, I'm going to call the cops
• 42:59
  Well, that would be really effective
• 43:02
  Yeah
• 43:03
  Thank you, wow, I'm learning so much
• 43:06
  I'm teaching so much
• 43:08
  Yeah
• 43:09
  And you let me know if you want to go further
• 43:11
  Because I always have a knife
• 43:12
  Okay, well
• 43:15
  I
• 43:17
  Be nice to
• 43:19
  Dr. Knickerbocker when you meet him
• 43:21
  Well, it sounds like you
• 43:26
  Would make
• 43:27
  An excellent parakeet wrangler
• 43:29
  here at PetSmart.
• 43:30
  Oh my God.
• 43:32
  You got the job.
• 43:33
  I got the bird.
• 43:38
  Congratulations, Francis.
• 43:39
  I think we both got hired.
• 43:41
  Yeah, people are saying
• 43:42
  it's a hard economy for jobs.
• 43:43
  I don't see it.
• 43:44
  I don't see it.
• 43:44
  I don't see it at all.
• 43:45
  This feels like
• 43:46
  if you're not finding a job,
• 43:47
  it's your fault.
• 43:48
  Be honest.
• 43:49
  Be confident.
• 43:51
  Be bold.
• 43:51
  Yep.
• 43:52
  Have herpes.
• 43:53
  Yep.
• 43:55
  I think most of America
• 43:56
  has accomplished that.
• 43:58
  So.
• 43:59
  yeah yeah so what is it three out of four
• 44:03
  something like that
• 44:06
  uh well and uh just be i'm not laughing at your pain america yeah no america we're we're here with
• 44:14
  you yeah by the way they're gonna cure it eventually yeah totally or it'll get to four
• 44:18
  out of four and then it won't matter right that's true that's a good point if everyone has herpes
• 44:24
  it's like nobody has herpes yeah it's like if everyone has a million dollars it's like no one
• 44:29
  does. Yep, exactly. Um, so yeah, those are our tips for you. Also be open with your, your previous
• 44:37
  arrests. If they don't ask for them, they will appreciate your honesty upfront. That's right.
• 44:44
  They will appreciate being saved money on a background checker. Just tell them everything.
• 44:50
  Yeah. And if they know you're willing to kill them, they'll never mess with you. Yep. You know,
• 44:55
  They'll fire the person who won't kill.
• 44:58
  Never underestimate the power of a potential murder.
• 45:05
  We should write an employment handbook.
• 45:07
  I think we just did.
• 45:10
  Yeah.
• 45:11
  But pay us for this, listeners.
• 45:13
  Yeah.
• 45:13
  If you use this to get a job, we get 5% of your future.
• 45:18
  Yeah, and the pennies are gone, so round up.
• 45:20
  Yeah.
• 45:21
  Although I will still take pennies.
• 45:23
  I still accept them.
• 45:24
  Sure, why not?
• 45:25
  Yeah.
• 45:25
  Yeah.
• 45:25
  Minimum five.
• 45:28
  All right.
• 45:28
  Well, that wraps up.
• 45:30
  Interview with a man hired.
• 45:36
  He is now more employee than human.
• 45:42
  All right.
• 45:44
  We have one final segment on this show,
• 45:48
  and that is the big question.
• 45:53
  The question is very big.
• 45:55
  Friends, we have a listener submitted big question.
• 46:01
  HFS.
• 46:04
  Horny Francis says, what?
• 46:07
  Yeah, go on.
• 46:08
  Wait, what does HFS stand for?
• 46:10
  Holy fucking shit.
• 46:11
  Oh.
• 46:12
  Sugar crush.
• 46:13
  Yeah.
• 46:15
  All right.
• 46:16
  All right.
• 46:20
  All right.
• 46:23
  Here's the question.
• 46:24
  hello friends can you tell the story of the person you think you were in a past life
• 46:32
  no requirements except the era they were the person you became you the they were the person
• 46:39
  you became reincarnated as so their date of death is nine months before you were born born what
• 46:47
  okay so basically who were you immediately before you were this person that you are right now
• 46:55
  who were you so you you have been this person that you were before had to die
• 47:00
  yes oh whoa you just dropped i wasn't gonna do it but i am who i am i was gonna say i had to
• 47:09
  have been born in february of the year that you were born or died in february of the year that
• 47:13
  you were born okay bleep out the year that i said okay um okay yeah that did it put it back
• 47:23
  nine months and bleep it then uh february of the year i was i understand yeah so who was i
• 47:33
  and for me i guess that would be what like august of the year before i was born
• 47:37
  yeah
• 47:39
  August September
• 47:41
  yeah somewhere in there
• 47:43
  okay yeah so who were you
• 47:45
  before could be any
• 47:48
  kind of backstory that you
• 47:49
  oh my god
• 47:51
  I just realized I have the perfect
• 47:54
  one oh maybe you
• 47:55
  want to start well you know what happened
• 47:58
  nine months before I was
• 48:00
  born
• 48:00
  9-11
• 48:03
  what did you do
• 48:06
  I was a Saudi Arabian in a past life.
• 48:09
  It's not too soon, right?
• 48:11
  I can say that.
• 48:12
  Yeah, I can say that.
• 48:13
  Yeah, it's fine.
• 48:14
  We're friends with them now.
• 48:15
  Yeah.
• 48:16
  Sugar crush.
• 48:20
  Yeah, so.
• 48:21
  I don't appreciate what you did.
• 48:22
  It really changed the way that we fly.
• 48:28
  You're the reason TSA lights are really long right now.
• 48:30
  I have to take my shoes off now.
• 48:32
  Actually, we can keep them on now.
• 48:33
  Yeah.
• 48:34
  And that was because of Richard Reed, the shoe bomber.
• 48:38
  That was a, that was many years later, I think, the shoes thing.
• 48:45
  Anyway, so who were you in your previous life?
• 48:53
  I don't know.
• 48:54
  In my previous life, I was a wife.
• 49:04
  to a mean man who made me a mean woman.
• 49:09
  Yes, I had it all.
• 49:12
  Yes, I could do whatever I wanted.
• 49:15
  But he was a real bastard.
• 49:16
  You know, he made me cynical.
• 49:18
  He made me bitter.
• 49:20
  We had one of those tubs that was heart-shaped and really big.
• 49:24
  Oh, sure.
• 49:25
  Like the kind you'd find in a cheap motel in Vegas.
• 49:29
  Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea to put it in our house.
• 49:31
  And he said yes, and then as soon as we installed it,
• 49:33
  he would just bitch and bitch about all the money that it cost.
• 49:36
  But he made a lot of money, which is why I was with him.
• 49:40
  And then one day I came home and he was with some other woman.
• 49:46
  No.
• 49:47
  Yeah.
• 49:47
  And I think her name was Michelle.
• 49:52
  Whoa.
• 49:53
  Anyway.
• 49:53
  She sounds terrible.
• 49:54
  I gunned her down.
• 49:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 49:57
  And even though I was really angry with him, I was projecting.
• 50:01
  And like he was there and he saw me do it.
• 50:03
  three right in the face and i was like who's ugly now who's ugly now i was screaming this
• 50:09
  and i had more bullets but i just looked at him and i gave him a look that was like
• 50:14
  you decide what happens now do you want to help me bury this woman and we continue our marriage
• 50:21
  or do you want to die and we didn't even talk he just went and got some tarp yeah he just knew
• 50:28
  he just knew so that look in your eye we got rid of her but now i'm for the rest of my life
• 50:33
  I felt the crushing weight of knowing that he had this on me.
• 50:39
  Very vindictive man.
• 50:41
  Ooh, yeah.
• 50:42
  It's tough to like leave a witness.
• 50:45
  Yeah.
• 50:46
  When you commit a murder.
• 50:47
  I get it.
• 50:48
  Yeah.
• 50:48
  Especially one like him.
• 50:50
  Yeah.
• 50:51
  Yeah.
• 50:51
  One that you know would not hesitate because if he needed to hurt you, he would do it.
• 50:56
  Yeah.
• 50:57
  Plus I won't say what year it was, but I wasn't 100% sure about like forensic technology and
• 51:01
  fingerprints and stuff.
• 51:02
  But you heard rumors of it
• 51:06
  Yeah
• 51:06
  Whispers
• 51:07
  Yeah
• 51:08
  And so yeah
• 51:12
  It got to the point where
• 51:13
  It was just
• 51:16
  I couldn't
• 51:20
  I had ulcers
• 51:21
  My hair was falling out
• 51:22
  My boobs were deflating
• 51:23
  And then of course that makes him want you less
• 51:28
  Typical man not even realizing it's his fault
• 51:30
  Exactly
• 51:31
  typical man so i uh poisoned him and i called myself a rat taxi good um so i got out of there
• 51:41
  by the time he was gurgling and um but they caught me yeah they caught me i died in prison
• 51:49
  how'd you die i slipped and i hit my head on the bars and my neck my head went through the bars
• 51:57
  which they didn't even think was possible.
• 51:58
  I'm the reason that they have tighter bars.
• 52:00
  Oh yeah.
• 52:01
  So my neck went through and then someone had made a makeshift rollerblade in
• 52:06
  my cell,
• 52:06
  my cellmate and they were rolling around and they ran into me and like
• 52:10
  coconut at my head and broke my neck.
• 52:13
  So those prison bars that are called Jacqueline bars,
• 52:16
  that was because of you.
• 52:18
  Yeah.
• 52:18
  A lot of people think that's candy.
• 52:19
  It's not.
• 52:20
  Yeah.
• 52:21
  I love that.
• 52:22
  We both,
• 52:23
  both of our past selves inspired institutional reform in the United States.
• 52:27
  Oh.
• 52:28
  I love that for us.
• 52:30
  Yeah.
• 52:31
  Hmm.
• 52:32
  Hmm.
• 52:33
  Think about that, America.
• 52:35
  Yeah.
• 52:36
  And don't be bad.
• 52:40
  Yeah.
• 52:40
  I'm, of course, talking to America Ferreira, friend of the show.
• 52:44
  Yeah.
• 52:45
  Hi, America.
• 52:46
  How you doing?
• 52:48
  Well, do you?
• 52:49
  Okay.
• 52:49
  Let me ask you this.
• 52:50
  So it feels like you had to deal with a pretty shitty marriage in real life.
• 52:56
  Yeah.
• 52:56
  totally real life.
• 52:58
  Well,
• 52:59
  in your past life,
• 53:00
  you know what I'm saying?
• 53:01
  It was real.
• 53:01
  Yeah,
• 53:02
  your past real life.
• 53:03
  So,
• 53:04
  do you think your current life
• 53:06
  is a reward
• 53:07
  or a punishment
• 53:08
  for your behavior
• 53:08
  in your past life?
• 53:10
  I think it's neutral.
• 53:12
  Okay.
• 53:13
  I think everything I did
• 53:14
  could be justified.
• 53:15
  So,
• 53:16
  okay.
• 53:18
  So you kind of paid
• 53:19
  for all of your sins
• 53:20
  in your previous life.
• 53:21
  You've kind of balanced
• 53:22
  out that slate.
• 53:24
  That slate is clean.
• 53:25
  so you're starting afresh in this life.
• 53:28
  It sounds like you were a good person who made some mistakes.
• 53:31
  You were put in a tough situation.
• 53:33
  Thanks.
• 53:34
  Aren't we all?
• 53:36
  Yeah.
• 53:37
  I feel like the next one's going to be really good.
• 53:40
  Really good.
• 53:42
  It's going to be 70 degrees all the time.
• 53:44
  Nice.
• 53:46
  Yeah.
• 53:46
  And you're a frigid bitch.
• 53:50
  Yep.
• 53:51
  Yeah.
• 53:51
  Oh, that's a very interesting past life.
• 53:58
  I'm glad to know that about you.
• 54:00
  Thank you.
• 54:00
  As people in Mexico say, que interesante.
• 54:05
  Yes.
• 54:06
  Quesarito.
• 54:07
  Oh, that's French.
• 54:10
  Gorgon.
• 54:11
  What was the gorgeous?
• 54:12
  Gargong.
• 54:13
  Gorgon.
• 54:14
  Gorgon.
• 54:15
  You'll get it.
• 54:17
  Jenna, what were you in your past life?
• 54:21
  I was Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
• 54:31
  Here's the thing.
• 54:33
  So in my past life, I was a nice man, generally loved by all.
• 54:45
  And I, but I had a daughter.
• 54:49
  Now, this daughter was, when she was born, I hoped she would be the light of my life.
• 55:02
  She was the ginger of your strife.
• 55:06
  Yes, sadly.
• 55:08
  She was a living terror.
• 55:12
  You know her.
• 55:13
  Her name is Wendy.
• 55:15
  Now, everyone thinks Wendy's is a real sweet institution.
• 55:19
  where I named it after my daughter, and look how adorable she is.
• 55:25
  She's on our logo, and oh, I must have loved her so much.
• 55:29
  No.
• 55:31
  Sorry.
• 55:32
  Sorry.
• 55:33
  Wendy was not a frigid bitch in a good way.
• 55:39
  She was...
• 55:40
  A frosty bitch.
• 55:41
  She, okay, she was a terror.
• 55:45
  She was like a kid out of the Omen or something,
• 55:49
  like terrorizing the neighborhood.
• 55:51
  Pets would go missing.
• 55:53
  Isn't that weird?
• 55:54
  It is.
• 55:55
  And she kept trying to break up, her mother and I,
• 55:59
  Mrs. Thomas
• 56:01
  Gwendolyn Thomas
• 56:04
  we named Wendy after Gwendolyn
• 56:05
  not knowing
• 56:08
  what a horrible tribute that would be
• 56:10
  to my poor sweet wife
• 56:11
  she was the sweetest person
• 56:12
  drove Gwendolyn to an early grave
• 56:15
  Wendy did
• 56:15
  now here's
• 56:18
  here's where
• 56:21
  my
• 56:23
  fast food franchise
• 56:25
  comes in
• 56:26
  there was only one thing in this world
• 56:29
  that Wendy loved.
• 56:33
  Wendy loved her pet cow, Satan.
• 56:40
  That's what she named it.
• 56:42
  That's the kind of kid we're dealing with, okay?
• 56:44
  She had a pet cow named Satan,
• 56:46
  but this was the only thing on the planet that Wendy loved.
• 56:51
  She was also terrified of squares.
• 56:56
  so one day after my Gwendolyn died
• 57:01
  I just
• 57:04
  I couldn't take it anymore
• 57:06
  I was at my limit of the nice old man
• 57:09
  and I'll tell you what I did
• 57:12
  and I would say I'm not proud of it but you know what I am proud of this
• 57:16
  I killed Satan
• 57:19
  and I made his meat
• 57:24
  into burgers and it was
• 57:26
  it was dinner time one day
• 57:30
  and I was like Wendy
• 57:31
  it's dinner time
• 57:33
  and I sat
• 57:34
  burger in front of Wendy
• 57:37
  a square burger
• 57:39
  not round
• 57:41
  like you typically would be
• 57:42
  because she likes round things
• 57:44
  she hates squares
• 57:46
  so I put this in front of her
• 57:49
  she's looking at it
• 57:50
  she's like you know I hate squares
• 57:51
  why would you do this
• 57:52
  I was like oh whoa
• 57:54
  you don't like what I have to
• 57:55
  to what I'm feeding you, why don't you go complain to Satan about it?"
• 57:59
  She's like, you know what, maybe I will.
• 58:01
  And then she ran out into the field and she like Satan Satan where are you Satan She couldn hear his bell She couldn hear his bell And Oh I forgot that was the pet Yeah
• 58:14
  How did you kill?
• 58:16
  No, I killed the cow, Satan.
• 58:17
  Okay, got it.
• 58:18
  To make the burgers.
• 58:19
  Yeah.
• 58:21
  And then finally she comes in.
• 58:24
  She comes running in and.
• 58:27
  Her, her red braids all asunder, the freckles on her face.
• 58:33
  tears coming down her eyes.
• 58:35
  And she's like, you killed Satan to make these burgers.
• 58:42
  I was like, that's right.
• 58:44
  And from now on, I'll kill everything you love
• 58:47
  until you start behaving better.
• 58:52
  And lo and behold, that worked.
• 58:58
  She stayed indoors.
• 59:00
  She didn't terrorize the neighborhood anymore.
• 59:03
  and uh also the burgers were delicious i had a hit on my hands and a cow is a lot of meat i don't
• 59:10
  know if you know that but it could feed a whole neighborhood and so i invited everybody over and
• 59:14
  they were like we love this we love this you got to do more of this and you got to do it at a
• 59:19
  grander scale so i was like fine i'll open up a restaurant and they were like oh well what are
• 59:27
  you to name your restaurant? And I looked Wendy dead in her now vacant eyes. And I said, Wendy's,
• 59:36
  because this is all because of her. And then eventually I got old and died of natural causes.
• 59:46
  And now I'm, now I'm me. I think you've been rewarded. I do too. I stopped the world from
• 59:53
  having to have, and I gave the world great food. I'm sorry. Frosty and fries. Whoa. Yeah.
• 1:00:01
  Amazing. You're welcome. America Ferreira. So beautiful, beautiful. Yeah. Anyway, that's
• 1:00:10
  who I was. So we were all, we were all a little murderous in our past lives, but you know,
• 1:00:18
  But it worked out.
• 1:00:19
  Yeah.
• 1:00:19
  Just a little bit.
• 1:00:21
  It worked out.
• 1:00:21
  Yeah.
• 1:00:23
  Well,
• 1:00:24
  listener,
• 1:00:25
  I think that answers
• 1:00:27
  the big question.
• 1:00:28
  The big question.
• 1:00:31
  Thank you, baby.
• 1:00:32
  All right.
• 1:00:33
  Now,
• 1:00:33
  if you out there
• 1:00:35
  in the world
• 1:00:36
  would like to submit
• 1:00:38
  your own big question
• 1:00:39
  for us to answer you can email us at veryfinefriends at gmail or you can contact us on all social media at veryfinefriends
• 1:00:55
  Well, one last bit of business, Francis.
• 1:00:59
  Secret words time.
• 1:01:01
  Yep.
• 1:01:01
  Got to reel in the anarchy here.
• 1:01:03
  I wrote a bunch of them down.
• 1:01:07
  Me too.
• 1:01:07
  I think we both did.
• 1:01:08
  Yeah.
• 1:01:10
  How shall we begin?
• 1:01:13
  I'm
• 1:01:13
  You want this to go?
• 1:01:22
  Let's just agree not to guess each other's words this time.
• 1:01:25
  No, I'm not agreeing to that.
• 1:01:27
  Fine, it's on, bitch.
• 1:01:29
  Frigid bitch.
• 1:01:31
  Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?
• 1:01:33
  No, I'll go first.
• 1:01:33
  Okay.
• 1:01:34
  I'm really worried about
• 1:01:35
  this is scary okay um i'll just say it climbs no thank god i enjoyed you panicking about that
• 1:01:51
  sure did sure did so now you can just enjoy that word for what it is thanks
• 1:01:55
  is your decoy word terrorize nope
• 1:01:59
  is your decoy word terrorizing nope
• 1:02:04
  Get that shit out of the way.
• 1:02:07
  Is your word franchise?
• 1:02:09
  Nope.
• 1:02:11
  Is your word obtrusive?
• 1:02:15
  Nope.
• 1:02:17
  Is your word unwieldy?
• 1:02:19
  Nope.
• 1:02:20
  Is your word winky?
• 1:02:22
  No.
• 1:02:24
  Slate?
• 1:02:25
  Nope.
• 1:02:26
  Institution?
• 1:02:28
  Nope.
• 1:02:30
  Rigorous?
• 1:02:31
  Nope.
• 1:02:31
  My last guess.
• 1:02:34
  Satan. No, no. You search that a lot. Yeah. Uh, no, my word was marathon. No memory. I,
• 1:02:51
  I said when people are on the sidewalk and it's hot and they're trying to get someplace,
• 1:02:54
  it's a sprint, not a marathon. They're not looking to be on the sidewalk for a very long
• 1:02:58
  time. Well placed. You kind of looked at me a little weird when I said it, but then you didn't
• 1:03:02
  write anything down so i felt like i got away with it you did get i did no my decoy word was
• 1:03:07
  too bad this wasn my real word because you said it a lot my decoy word was stalking oh damn yeah damn that would have i have been pissed yeah i know you would have it was like oh dang Because that would have been oh you would have won for the next year Yeah you said that a bunch
• 1:03:27
  Okay, well.
• 1:03:30
  All right.
• 1:03:31
  I don't, so I have a bunch of words written down.
• 1:03:35
  I don't know if there's any of them that I want to guess as a decoy.
• 1:03:39
  I might just guess them all as your regular word.
• 1:03:42
  You go right ahead.
• 1:03:43
  I hope this isn't your word because I said it.
• 1:03:47
  Pergola?
• 1:03:49
  No.
• 1:03:50
  Oh, you little bastard.
• 1:03:54
  Invariably?
• 1:03:54
  No.
• 1:03:56
  Coupon?
• 1:03:57
  Or coupons, plural?
• 1:04:00
  No.
• 1:04:02
  Ubiquitous?
• 1:04:03
  No.
• 1:04:04
  Have I guessed that before for you?
• 1:04:06
  I don't know.
• 1:04:07
  Or you might have guessed it for me.
• 1:04:08
  I feel like that's been guessed before.
• 1:04:09
  It's a pretty ubiquitous guess.
• 1:04:10
  Yes, thank you.
• 1:04:11
  I know.
• 1:04:13
  whispers no okay
• 1:04:18
  deflating no why did you look at joe i don't know i want to see his reaction he's part of this
• 1:04:28
  destitute yes that's your word yeah oh
• 1:04:34
  oh yeah all right well then i have two other words left that i want to guess is your decoy
• 1:04:41
  okay okay is your decoy word glazer no okay is your decoy word pharaoh no oh boy i thought she
• 1:04:51
  was gonna get it since i handed in yeah oh it was anarchy oh oh i did think that was weird that
• 1:05:01
  basically what you said was the opposite well i guess like i thought it was weird and yet i know
• 1:05:05
  not weird enough.
• 1:05:06
  Hmm.
• 1:05:08
  Destitute.
• 1:05:09
  Yeah.
• 1:05:10
  You know what?
• 1:05:10
  I'm not even mad.
• 1:05:11
  Good.
• 1:05:12
  Thank you.
• 1:05:16
  Sugar crush.
• 1:05:17
  Okay.
• 1:05:18
  Well,
• 1:05:18
  another successful game for you.
• 1:05:20
  I hope we go back and forth like this.
• 1:05:22
  Yeah.
• 1:05:23
  Cause I mean,
• 1:05:23
  you beat me last time,
• 1:05:25
  I think.
• 1:05:26
  Yeah.
• 1:05:26
  Yeah.
• 1:05:26
  I was only trying to catch back up.
• 1:05:28
  No,
• 1:05:28
  I,
• 1:05:28
  I mean,
• 1:05:29
  we might've like,
• 1:05:30
  we might be like back and forth leveling the playing field here.
• 1:05:32
  We are athletes.
• 1:05:34
  Oh,
• 1:05:34
  elite.
• 1:05:35
  elite athletes.
• 1:05:38
  Oh, all right.
• 1:05:39
  Well, I guess that's all there is.
• 1:05:42
  Good night.
• 1:05:43
  Good night.
• 1:05:44
  Oh, pervert.