Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #432 Back to School - First Day Fears

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#432 Back to School - First Day Fears · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now, when you pick those kids up from school, just
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  Speaker 3: wrap them in your arms and go and have some
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  Speaker 3: fun together. There's so much built up energy around the
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  Speaker 3: anxiety that they've felt about day one, and even if
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  Speaker 3: they've had a great day, just spend time enjoying one another.
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  Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 2: and dad.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is Dr Justin Colson. Feeling a bit lonely.
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  Speaker 1: If I have to make a confession, we are doing
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  Speaker 1: something brand new on the podcast. Kylie doesn't live with
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  Speaker 1: me anymore, at least at the moment. Kylie is living
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  Speaker 1: life on the coast in a unit that we've short
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  Speaker 1: term rented what we sell our house and moved there. Kylie, A,
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  Speaker 1: you are enjoying the beach every morning.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm just looking at my image in the camera
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  Speaker 2: there and I'm looking up at sun sozed.
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  Speaker 1: You look like you're on holidays and here I am
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  Speaker 1: is sweating it out in Brisbane's humidity, moving our house,
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  Speaker 1: packing boxes, loading furniture, remove all containers. I'm living life
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  Speaker 1: hard right now. But we need to talk about not
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  Speaker 1: our move, although some more of that will come out
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  Speaker 1: on Friday when we talk about I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: But our kids are all starting a brand new school
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  Speaker 1: because we've moved more than one hundred k's from home.
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  Speaker 1: We're literally having a fresh start by the coast. And
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  Speaker 1: there's not just our kids starting a brand new school today,
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  Speaker 1: but there are kids right around the nation who have
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  Speaker 1: either just started or are just about to start a
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  Speaker 1: brand new year at school, in many cases a brand
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  Speaker 1: new school. There's first day fears everywhere. We're feeling it
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  Speaker 1: and a whole bunch of other people feeling it as well.
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  Speaker 1: So if you have children who are a little nervous,
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  Speaker 1: we've got some ideas that we think are going to
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  Speaker 1: be helpful. In the first half of our podcast today,
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  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about just some of the basics
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  Speaker 1: most of us know this. If we pause, listen to
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  Speaker 1: our intuition, we can figure this stuff out. And Kylie
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  Speaker 1: is probably going to leave the majority of that, But
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  Speaker 1: after the break, we're also going to talk about the
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  Speaker 1: very real issues around anxiety related to rats, COVID anxiety,
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  Speaker 1: non typical developing kids, neurodiverse kids, and also younger kids
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  Speaker 1: and starting preschool or KINDI the little four and five
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  Speaker 1: year olds, a three year olds who are kind of
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  Speaker 1: going but I don't want to leave you. We're going
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  Speaker 1: to talk about all of that in a very short
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  Speaker 1: period today. Facing first day fears, Kylie, what have you
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  Speaker 1: done while you've been on the coast with the kids
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  Speaker 1: for the last few days getting them ready for school
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  Speaker 1: to start?
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  Speaker 2: So a couple of things. This obviously is not the
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  Speaker 2: kid's first start. We've actually, unfortunately done a few first
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  Speaker 2: days with the kids over the years.
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  Speaker 1: It doesn't make it any easier though.
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  Speaker 2: It definitely doesn't, but I think that we've learned a
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  Speaker 2: few valuable things along the way that have really helped
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  Speaker 2: this time round. The first thing that has been really
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  Speaker 2: really helpful is just creating a positive anticipation for what's ahead,
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  Speaker 2: having conversations about the things that they're actually looking forward to. Well,
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  Speaker 2: not downplaying the fears because they definitely are real, but
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  Speaker 2: acknowledging that you can actually have two emotions. You can
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  Speaker 2: feel excited and scared in the same breath, and so
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  Speaker 2: finding those things that they're really excited about is helpful.
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  Speaker 2: Has something inversations around that.
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  Speaker 1: This is something that you do, really really well, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: and I love the way you do it. You sort
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  Speaker 1: of sit with the kids and say, I know that
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  Speaker 1: you're a bit nervous, but if you could create the
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  Speaker 1: perfect first day, what would it be like for you?
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  Speaker 1: And so what you're doing is, like you said, you're
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  Speaker 1: not downplaying the fear or the worry or the anxiety
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  Speaker 1: the apprehension that they're feeling. You're acknowledging that. But then
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  Speaker 1: you sort of you're asking them to reframe the day
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  Speaker 1: or to reimagine the day in a completely different setting.
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  Speaker 1: And so the kids get to say things like, well,
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  Speaker 1: I'll get us to sit next to somebody who's really nice,
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  Speaker 1: or some people will come and talk to me and
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  Speaker 1: ask me if I can sit with them at lunch,
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  Speaker 1: and they create that vision for themselves so that they
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  Speaker 1: they're not building up into something big and impossible to achieve,
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  Speaker 1: but rather they're just starting to imagine that they're creating
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  Speaker 1: it before it happens.
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  Speaker 3: I think they're open to the possibility, the acknowledgment that
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  Speaker 3: sometimes it doesn't work out the way that they envisage,
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  Speaker 3: but they're actually open to the possibility that it just
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  Speaker 3: might happen that way. So that would be My first
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  Speaker 3: tip just kind of creating conversations where your children and
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  Speaker 3: you can talk about the things that they're anticipating in
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  Speaker 3: excitement and positivity. So the second thing is something that
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  Speaker 3: we've only just recently done with the kids, is helping
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  Speaker 3: them to be as familiar with the surroundings as possible.
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  Speaker 3: If this is a brand new start, a brand new school,
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  Speaker 3: it might mean you know, driving to and from the
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  Speaker 3: school a couple of times so that they know the
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  Speaker 3: route even though you might be the one driving them there.
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  Speaker 3: Just getting them used to the fact that they're going
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  Speaker 3: to sit in the car for six minutes, or they're
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  Speaker 3: going to sit in the car for ten minutes, or
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  Speaker 3: it's going to be a two minute walk, or it's
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  Speaker 3: going to be a ten minute walk. Those kinds of
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  Speaker 3: things just help them create a familiarity around what's going
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  Speaker 3: to happen and what day one will do. Yeah, so
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  Speaker 3: that's really really helpful for our kids over the years.
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  Speaker 1: Kids respond so well to security and predictability. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: as humans, that's what we like to know what's coming next.
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  Speaker 1: I talk about this all the time, a need for
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  Speaker 1: cognitive closure and even though you don't know everything that's
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  Speaker 1: going to happen. If you know that this is the
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  Speaker 1: way we go to school, or this is what the
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  Speaker 1: school looks like, or this is where my classroom will be,
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  Speaker 1: if I know a couple of people who will be there.
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  Speaker 1: All of those kinds of things just they reduce the
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  Speaker 1: anxiety because there's a sense of predictability. When you know
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  Speaker 1: what's coming, you don't have to be quite as scared
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  Speaker 1: of it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and you may have missed the open days where
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  Speaker 3: you're able to walk around, but schools are back now.
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  Speaker 3: Teachers and stuff are in the school now, and so
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  Speaker 3: you know, maybe it's a phone call to the school
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  Speaker 3: to just say, my kid's really anxious about day one.
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  Speaker 3: Would you mind if we just brought our children down
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  Speaker 3: so that we could walk around the school ground so
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  Speaker 3: they can again the excitement around this is the playground
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  Speaker 3: that you're going to be playing on. When we took
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  Speaker 3: Elly the other day and she was able to see
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  Speaker 3: that there's a tree house in her new playground, she
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  Speaker 3: didn't want to leave. The was insit around the fact
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  Speaker 3: that she had a new space to explore and discover,
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  Speaker 3: but it related to her old space as well, because
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  Speaker 3: she's been to a school where they did bush school
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  Speaker 3: and so this treehouse reminded her of those experiences. So yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I just tapping into the memories that they have, of
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  Speaker 3: the positive things that they've experienced previously. For children who
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  Speaker 3: are older than you know, first year at school and
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  Speaker 3: helping them to become familiar and see the positive things
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  Speaker 3: out of their environment that they're going into can really
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  Speaker 3: really help ease those first day anxieties.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast, right after the break, we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about kids and COVID testing, kids in COVID anxiety, non
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  Speaker 1: neurotypical kids, and younger kids starting pre school for day one.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: of Disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: with love, of compassion and humanity. Find it now at
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: Happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
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  Speaker 3: talking about all things first day school.
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  Speaker 1: And if you think that Kylie is sounding a bit weird,
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  Speaker 1: it's not because she's weird. It's because we're doing this
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  Speaker 1: via zoom. Kylie has moved to the coast with the kids.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be following soon, but right now I'm getting the
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  Speaker 1: house ready, which means that I can't be with them
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  Speaker 1: for their first day at their brand new school with
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  Speaker 1: our big move Kylie. There's been a lot of people
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  Speaker 1: asking me lately about it's not happening in Queensland, but
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  Speaker 1: in other states. Kids have to be tested twice a
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  Speaker 1: week with their rapid antigen tests to make sure that
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  Speaker 1: COVID doesn't break out in any schools. There's just general
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  Speaker 1: COVID anxiety. There's conversations about immunizations and boosters and vaccinations
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  Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff happening everywhere. It's pretty
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  Speaker 1: full on for our kids, and so I just thought
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  Speaker 1: it was probably worth mentioning a couple of things around
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  Speaker 1: this that can be help for them. The first thing
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  Speaker 1: that really strikes me is useful as a parent is
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  Speaker 1: to not make a big deal of it. So Facebook
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  Speaker 1: has been blowing up with families parents who are saying,
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  Speaker 1: this is ridiculous. Why do my kids have to do this?
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe that this is being forced upon us.
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  Speaker 1: We don't have any choice. All of the things that
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  Speaker 1: people are upset about are probably quite justified in their
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  Speaker 1: own minds, and it's not for me to make any
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  Speaker 1: judgment about whether or not we should be or I mean,
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  Speaker 1: should's a funny word anyway, but whether or not those
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  Speaker 1: feelings are justified, that's not the point of this conversation. Rather,
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  Speaker 1: the point is the more of a big deal you
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  Speaker 1: make about stuff, the more it will create something for
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  Speaker 1: the kids. If the kids are stressed about stuff, if
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  Speaker 1: the kids are worried about stuff. My response would be
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  Speaker 1: really simple, don't make a big deal. Instead, just reflect
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  Speaker 1: what you're seeing. Well, you seem to be really upset
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  Speaker 1: about this. You seem to be really worried about this.
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  Speaker 1: You really don't want to have to take these tests
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  Speaker 1: twice a week, do you? And then when they give
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  Speaker 1: you the response, don't try to fix it because you can't.
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  Speaker 1: Instead say, well, bit of a tricky spot, aren't we
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  Speaker 1: Because everyone's saying that we have to do this, what
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  Speaker 1: do you think we should do? How do you think
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  Speaker 1: we can do this? I mean, you might find that
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  Speaker 1: your child's willing to say I'll self administer it, or
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  Speaker 1: let's just get it done, or if I do it
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  Speaker 1: can I have a treat an ice cream? Every time
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  Speaker 1: we have to take a test those two times a
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  Speaker 1: week or like, the kids will come up with answers,
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  Speaker 1: and if they can't, they'll still usually be quite willing
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  Speaker 1: to work with you on an answer if you're giving
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  Speaker 1: them a little bit of breathing space to figure it
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  Speaker 1: out for themselves. So lots of empathy and then a
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  Speaker 1: little bit of empowerment. What do you think? What do
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  Speaker 1: you think you should do? Is how I would probably
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  Speaker 1: respond to that. And it's the same with COVID anxiety, right,
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  Speaker 1: I know you're really worried about it. What is it
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  Speaker 1: that you're worried about? You scared you're going to catch COVID?
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  Speaker 1: What do you think we can do? How can we
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  Speaker 1: help keep you safe? But of course the kids have
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  Speaker 1: to go to school, and can I just really put
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  Speaker 1: a really strong red line under that Our kids need
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  Speaker 1: to be at school right now. They need the interaction,
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  Speaker 1: they need, the learning, they need the activity, they need
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  Speaker 1: the rhythm and routine of a school days. It's hard
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  Speaker 1: for them to not be there.
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  Speaker 3: There's so much about life at the moment that's not predictable,
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  Speaker 3: and having that predictable routine of going to school each day.
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  Speaker 3: Seeing my friends is such an important part of a
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  Speaker 3: child's positive experience in childhood. So I think we probably
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  Speaker 3: need to chat a little bit about first day fears
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  Speaker 3: for those children who are starting out for the very
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  Speaker 3: first time in a school environment.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, preschool KINDI whatever it is that you call it,
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  Speaker 1: because every state's got a different word for it. We're
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  Speaker 1: talking about our four year olds the year before or
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  Speaker 1: the two years before they go to big school. The
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  Speaker 1: drop off is the hardest part, right, I mean, that's
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  Speaker 1: the bit where everyone kind of goes, I just don't
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  Speaker 1: know how to do this, and I'm in two minds
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  Speaker 1: for a couple of reasons. There's an intrinsic part of
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  Speaker 1: me and you've got it as well. Colleagues. We've had
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  Speaker 1: these conversations. It's not natural to be dropping our kids
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  Speaker 1: off and leaving them for an entire day, and yet
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  Speaker 1: that's what our society does, that's what our structure has created,
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  Speaker 1: and that's what the demands of life are for so
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  Speaker 1: many in the office, and so part of me was
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: to say, if you can hang on to your kids,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: hang on to them. And I'm sure that plenty of
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  Speaker 1: people will do that. If they can. But if we
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  Speaker 1: spin that around and take a more pragmatic and realistic
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  Speaker 1: view and recognize that we're not living in some utopia
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  Speaker 1: where we can cuddle our kids all day and walk
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  Speaker 1: along the beach Missus Coulson, some people get to be
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  Speaker 1: on the beach a bit more than others. Obviously, what
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  Speaker 1: I reckon is the most helpful advice is if your
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  Speaker 1: kids have got to go to daycare, so long as
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  Speaker 1: they don't have any particular additional needs, if they're developing normally.
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  Speaker 1: What we know is that with separation anxiety, the longer
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  Speaker 1: the goodbye, the longer the anxiety has time to build.
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  Speaker 2: I don't actually think it gets easier. Each child I
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  Speaker 2: had to leave behind for that very first time was
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  Speaker 2: almost like it was the first time doing it, and
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  Speaker 2: the anxiety in you desperately wanting to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: your child has a good day and that you know
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  Speaker 2: everything goes the way you hope it to go builds
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  Speaker 2: the longer you stay, and your child feeds off you,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: and so if they see you starting to get you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of upset or distressed or don't want to leave,
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  Speaker 2: that happens a lot. We don't want to leave our children.
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  Speaker 2: Then it builds in them and their anxieties grow in
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  Speaker 2: such significant ways because if the big person in their
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  Speaker 2: life is worried, then they should be worried, right.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so. So let's just do a quick
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  Speaker 1: take home message and summarize all of this. If your
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: kids are scared and they're really young, find that safe
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  Speaker 1: pair of hands, give them that hug and kiss and leave.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: You know, you're a child, though, and sometimes it is
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: better to stay. It's just something that you're going to
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: have to work out and there's no easy way around
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: it when that's the case. But it does make things
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  Speaker 1: worse for the most part, for most typically developing kids.
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  Speaker 1: For older kids, make school feel familiar, have them create
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: their best life, and do everything you can to give
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: them something to look forward to. Have I missed anything
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  Speaker 1: or is that a pretty good summary?
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  Speaker 2: Great summary?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, well, good luck for anyone facing first day fears
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: today or in the next week or so. We know
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: that there's a lot of disruption with the start of
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  Speaker 1: school for Queenslanders who are sort of starting to trickle back.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Depending on which grade you're in New Southwest Victoria now
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: Back Western Australia. Well, I don't know if we should
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: even talk to Western Australians. I think that they're no
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: longer part of the country. I'm not sure what's going
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: on over there, but i think school goes back for
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: them next week. All things being well, it's kind of
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: a bit of a crazy time and we need to
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that take the pressure off, take the stress off
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: our kids, and hopefully make school something that they can
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: look forward to. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Justin Ruhlinck from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: producer and if you'd like more information about making your
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: family happy, you can find everything you need at happy
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au.