Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / The Aftermath of Mass Shootings + Gun Violence with Erika Mahoney

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The Aftermath of Mass Shootings + Gun Violence with Erika Mahoney · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• Lyndsay Soprano (00:02.103) Every single day of my life, I wake up and I wonder what my life would be like right now if I was never diagnosed with one of the most painful diseases on the planet called CRPS. It's also called the suicide disease. So whoever coined that can bite me. But within one second of me waking up, the reality of living in this kind of physical pain, every moment of my life is just that, it's my reality. And that one second, my brain immediately thinks one morning I'm not going to be able to walk. And each day gets more difficult to push through because the pain gets worse every single day. The anxiety goes crazy. Pairing attacks go into play. I'm sweating. I'm cold. And all these different things. I don't sleep. I wake myself up when I do sleep moaning in pain. I wake up my sweetie. He wakes up hearing me moaning in pain. My brain fog and focus are increasingly challenging. My desire to spend time with people in my life that just suck my will to live are like at a low all time low. I can't take it anymore. But I continue to remind myself in that one second and all the seconds that follow that we all have suffered in one way or another. And when you see somebody driving super fast and you just want to cuss at them and flip them off and run, maybe they're having a baby in the backseat of their car and they're on the way to the hospital. Everybody around us is going through their own shit and we need to remind ourselves of that. Whether it's our health declining, we have a terrible diagnosis, we lose our home and a fire, domestic violence, divorce, tragic loss of loved ones, we all have experienced some form of suffering. And what I've learned over the past few years of doing this show and meeting the most incredible guests who have joined me to share their stories is that healing is not linear. It is incredibly complex and it is different for every single one of us. And the day that I chose to look at trauma and pain that I personally have experienced to help others opened up a whole new world to live in where now I give pain purpose, not just for me, but for everybody that listens to this show and for my guests as well. And we all experience grief differently and resilience comes in so many forms. Lyndsay Soprano (02:22.201) And what my beautiful guest will be talking with us today about is the human capacity to find meaning after tragic and unimaginable loss. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to my unbelievably strong and resilient guest, Erica Mahoney. Hey, baby. Erika Mahoney (02:39.15) Hey, thank you so much for having me on. So sweet. Lyndsay Soprano (02:42.911) my gosh, I'm so excited to have this conversation, even though it starts with tragedy and something that will be stuck with you for the rest of your lives and how you've come through this. So Erica is an award winning journalist, creator and storyteller of senseless. Her limited series podcast with Lemanata Media. The series has been featured by CBS News and PR affiliates, News Nation and many more. And with more than a decade of experience in journalism, she's known for elevating. underrepresented voices and producing thoughtful community centered reporting. She now focuses on advocacy, storytelling and gun violence prevention through her podcast, speaking and writing and much more. And her father, Kevin Mahoney at 61 years old was killed on the afternoon of March 22nd, 2021. And the parking lot of King Super's grocery store, mass shooting in Boulder, Colorado. And she was just three months pregnant. It was the place as a little girl, she used to buy gummy worms. It was a second home. But 12 hours after the shooting, she got the call that her dad was dead. And I'm rolling out the world's longest red carpet for you here, babe. Yeah, and the shooter's name will not be spoken today, just so everybody can get over that, because we are not doing that. Erika Mahoney (03:52.344) I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Lyndsay Soprano (04:01.263) So I'd like to start, if you don't mind, with a phone call that you received from your mom that afternoon when she said, I'm not at the store, Erica, dad went grocery shopping. And let's take it from there. Erika Mahoney (04:12.854) Yeah, it was an ordinary Monday. And I think that's important to note because tragedy when it strikes, it just comes in the strangest form. It's like a normal day and then everything changes in a matter of seconds and life splits between a before and after. So I was at work at the radio station, KAU Public Radio here on the central coast of California. and the local NPR station and I was on the air six months pregnant and I was just entering my third trimester and I saw my phone light up and I thought that was kind of strange because my mom knew that I was live on the air so she knew to not call me during that time. I just shoved my phone out of the way and kept talking. And then she called again and we happened to be on a break. So I quickly answered and I said, I was a little bit frustrated. I was like, mom, like, you know, I can't talk right now. And she said, Aerie, please don't freak out. And my heart just dropped into my stomach confirmation that something was wrong. Lyndsay Soprano (05:18.778) Yeah, yeah. Erika Mahoney (05:35.243) And she said, there's an active shooter at King Super's. My first thought, because she was speaking so timidly, was that she was in the store. And as someone who has grown up with this American tragedy, I was nine years old when the mass shooting at Columbine High School happened. And that was just the start of so many. I had actually thought about what would I do if I got a phone call like this before. And so I'm on the phone with my mom and I start to think about the final words she may ever hear, the final words I may ever be able to tell her. And I started to say, love you so much, mom. She was like, honey, no, I'm not in the store. At that point, I get up from my desk and I went outside and I'm like, I'm like breathing out. But then I start to think about, well, who is in the store? This is my community store, five minutes from the house I grew up in. I know people who work there. And she started to tell me about... all the alerts that everyone in the neighborhood was getting to shelter in place and And then finally and I think she was just so nervous to tell me and this is why she didn't tell me right off the bat. She said Dad went grocery shopping and At that point I just wanted to fall to my knees. I felt physical pain in my belly being pregnant and was going to be real immediately worried about her and of course my dad. And I just remember kind of screeching into the phone, have you called him? And she said, he's not answering. Erika Mahoney (07:28.14) And that's where life just pauses. remember kind of like turning back and seeing my co-hosts like ushering me back in because she has no idea what's going on. She's like, where are you? Like, we are doing a show. And I had to go back in and I went back on the air and I think I just turned into a robot and then immediately like I tell everyone what was going on. And they said that I could go, you know, that they got it, that they had the show from there. And I went outside and Lyndsay Soprano (07:37.785) Right. Hello? Erika Mahoney (07:57.869) I don't know how much you want me to share, but. Lyndsay Soprano (08:00.997) This is your time, Erika Mahoney (08:02.976) Okay, well, you know, I, it's always hard to relive and I will probably get emotional, but I remember I walked on the stairs and I sat on the cement steps leading up to the office building. It was the pandemic. And so nobody's around. And I went on to Boulder Police's Twitter account. because being a journalist, I'm trying to understand what's going on, trying to get information. And I saw active shooter, PIO, which stands for Public Information Officer En route. I commented on that post saying, did everyone make it out okay? Which is now frozen in time. And. It was just, I mean, everything unraveled from that point on. I just remember crying. I remember calling my reporter colleagues in Colorado, trying to figure out what was going on. I really wanted to call my dad, but I was so worried that his, like if he was hiding in the store, that his ringtone would go off and the shooter would come towards him. So I didn't want to do that. I sat on those steps for a while. And then I saw something on Twitter that was like, scene cleared and I thought that's not good because why haven't we heard from dad at this point? And I walked around to the side of the building and I just hid behind this like row of bushes and I remember kind of crouching down my big belly and everything and I decided I'm going to try to call my dad and you know I called him, Dada, on my phone and I was just praying like please answer. I was also hoping that if he was injured, hearing my voice would somehow help him hang on. And it rang, and it rang and it went to voicemail. And I just felt like I knew then and there. But we wouldn't actually learn the truth until 12 hours later. But I just knew something felt different. Like the physical connection to my dad felt different. Lyndsay Soprano (10:13.507) Sore. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (10:16.874) untethered almost and I remember telling him on the voicemail like I love you so much and and my doctor loves you too. He was so excited to become a grandpa and I think it just sucks because it's like the reason why I mentioned that when my mom called and I thought that she was in the store first and how I was preparing my final words it's like I never got to tell my dad bye. And I think that's one of the really hard things about these mass shootings is you know your person, they know how much you love them. But it's really hard to find closure when like you don't get that chance to say goodbye. And we never had that. So, I mean, it continues from there. I was so distraught, I couldn't drive home. So my husband picked me up and... I think what was really traumatic was what unfolded next, which was me sitting on the couch watching national TV and seeing King Super's on every channel and actually seeing a body face down in the parking lot. And that body turned out to be my dad. So he wasn't in the store. He was actually returning his shopping cart when it happened. being the good Samaritan, he was. Lyndsay Soprano (11:42.393) You gotta love him for that. Thank you. Thank you so much for not for doing this, Dad. my God. But then you're like the one day. Erika Mahoney (11:48.303) Yeah, I know. I know, I know. And I really, I struggle with that and returning my shopping cart to this day. But sometimes I kind of think, oh, there's like two people in this world, like the people that return their shopping cart and the people that don't. Which there have been times where I don't, and it's because maybe like my baby's in the car and like that's, you know, it's not safe. But in what I see, As you mentioned, there's many forms of resilience. I have started to return my shopping cart again. And it's such a simple thing, but it was so hard for me to do for so long. So that's a step forward. Lyndsay Soprano (12:32.133) Well, yeah, and I mean, when you, mean, the shooter started in the parking lot and then made his way into the grocery store. And when you, when you listen to her podcast, Sentenceless, which you all are required to listen to as of right now, it really is well done because you not only speak about what happened to you, but you talk about, talk with the other victims who lost these people in their lives, the things that happened to them with their health, their bodies, their... Erika Mahoney (12:36.706) Mm-hmm. He did. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (12:44.11) Yes. Erika Mahoney (12:58.574) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (12:59.109) I mean, the chronic illness, all the things that come from this. And that's kind of one of the reasons that, well, it's not kind of one of the reasons, it is the reason why I wanna talk to you about this today too, is after the caution tape goes away and after CNN is uncovering it, you guys are all still tragically affected by what's happening to this day. unfortunately, we see so many of these damn things. Erika Mahoney (13:15.214) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (13:19.672) Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (13:28.341) You guys are getting lost in the shuffle left and right. And it makes me ill and I haven't experienced it like you have. makes it just absolutely infuriates me and we can get into the politics of that a little bit later. I just, I in listening to your show and listening to how everybody else processed it on that day and the people that helped save other people like Logan. Erika Mahoney (13:31.606) Yeah, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (13:52.685) I mean, these people, I know and how they end up coming together in the community building, because you guys were a tight-knit community anyways. And it's pretty remarkable how resilient we all can be in a mass shooting, in all of these kinds of situations that are just so tragic. And how you come out on the other side, not necessarily that it's a gift, but you certainly learn to appreciate things in a different way, view things differently. Erika Mahoney (13:53.026) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (14:21.369) have relationships differently, give a little less about the person that's driving super fast behind you on the car and trying to get around you giving them, yeah. And that kind of stuff until you've experienced something that's really affected you that hard, that just gut wrenching pain that you can't experience and everybody experiences it so differently. This is why we are here to talk about that because you're continuing to live and that is the point. Your dad would want you to continue to live, have babies. Erika Mahoney (14:27.406) 100 % yes. Erika Mahoney (14:49.602) Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (14:50.745) do all of the things and instead of wallowing in it, but we all have to go through grieving and sometimes you have to grow around it, sometimes you have to get through it, sometimes it's permanent. I mean, it can be all three of those things. So, I mean, it's amazing. So when you get the news and I know that you had opportunities to go, you were in California at the time. So you ended up flying back to Colorado. What happened after that? Erika Mahoney (14:54.509) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (15:21.718) I want to say, I love what you say about, you know, the person speeding around you on the highway and you're annoyed and we really don't know what they're going through. I really experienced that when, so we flew home the next day, the next morning after the shooting. And I remember sitting on that airplane in a cabin of all these people of just this small talk. And I wanted to freaking stand up and scream like my dad was just killed in a mansion and like shut up. Like I was, you know, and it's not to take away from like the joy that strangers can share, right? But it's a reminder that we expect the people that we see in the grocery store, at the park or wherever, like, oh, they're having a great day. They're probably not. They're like... Lyndsay Soprano (15:47.279) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (15:53.439) Right, right. Lyndsay Soprano (16:12.269) Wait. We're all struggling. Yeah. Right. Erika Mahoney (16:16.462) We are, no one goes through life unscathed. I think since 2020, the past five years for everyone has been extremely difficult. And we have to give each other more grace. And that is one thing that this tragedy has taught me. And now I'm that crazy person in the grocery store, smiling at the stranger, because I can tell they're having a shitty day. I'm like, they're like, why is she looking at me? Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (16:24.676) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (16:37.487) Good morning. Let me show you where the gummy bears are. Erika Mahoney (16:43.714) but it can make a difference. And I've seen it make a difference and I've received that love. I'm really thankful to be in a place to give it out. So to answer your question, yeah, we went back to Colorado the next day and... Man, it was such a whirlwind. think for me, being a journalist, I found myself on the other side of this story. Two years before, I had covered a mass shooting at the Gilray Garlic Festival live for NPR, and just covering it was devastating. And now I was living it, and now I was being the one asked to tell my story. Lyndsay Soprano (17:12.357) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (17:30.863) And I did, and it was hard, but it just kind of gave me a little bit of purpose in those first few days, like a reason to brush my hair and get out of bed. I remember I did a post on Twitter about my dad, and I shared a picture of him walking me down the aisle. And... So many people commented on that post and I felt like I would just be alone at night, you know, with my husband in like this dark room. I feel like we made like a cave in the basement and those comments on Twitter felt like lightning bugs in the room. Even something as simple as like a little message online makes a difference. Yeah, right. Lyndsay Soprano (18:18.829) on either side. What we say matters. It does. Yep. 100%. Erika Mahoney (18:22.55) It does. Yeah, it really does. Yeah. So, and there were some nasty comments and I just ignored them at that point. I was like, you kidding me? I know. Lyndsay Soprano (18:29.285) People are so gross. I know, I know. And we see it in our administration that we're going through right now all of the time, because we're so divided and it's hard in this division to keep, stay the line that we're trying to talk about right now, which is being these loving people and remember that other people are going through their stuff too. And I get caught up in it because you know, my thoughts on what's going on in our country right now. And it's incredibly hard. so when you... Erika Mahoney (18:47.565) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (18:51.788) Yeah, it's so hard. Lyndsay Soprano (18:58.735) When you get home, you're with mom. You're with your mom and you see your brother and how are they responding? I can't even imagine losing my husband. know, like, my God. How long were your parents married? my gosh, yeah, that's a lifetime, man. Erika Mahoney (19:01.804) Yeah. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (19:11.498) Ugh, I know. 25 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she, my mom, she was recently telling me that her hands have taken a toll, like a physical toll, because things that my dad used to do, so it's like, there's all these little things that we don't think about. And now she's always worried about her hands and her hands hurt and stuff because she's had to do these things. But she... Lyndsay Soprano (19:32.037) Erika Mahoney (19:43.471) Oh, it takes a while, but I've recently started to look at this whole tragedy through her eyes and I'm just in awe of how she handled it. And she really was strong for my brother and I. like you said, everyone reacts differently. And within my family, there were completely different reactions. Like I think I was hit right away with such sadness. My brother kind of came from a place of anger in the beginning. And my mom, I would say, was just trying to hold it all together. So it was a tough time at home. remember... Lyndsay Soprano (20:16.868) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (20:27.834) man, this documentary recently came out on Netflix called All the Empty Rooms and it's about the rooms of children killed in school shootings and it's like I experienced that in my own home. So I remember at one point walking upstairs and seeing a laundry basket of my dad's clothes like freshly laundered and like I remember just like smelling them and I was like, why are you not here? Why is this our story? These clothes are supposed to be folded and put away. And I looked at my husband and I was like, we have to put these away before my mom sees it. And like, I don't know, it was just, it was such a hard time. People were bringing us food and it was the pandemic, but people offered hugs and I wanted that physical connection and that felt really nice, not always. And I think one of the first things that tragedy and grief taught me was like, Lyndsay Soprano (20:57.444) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (21:24.236) to speak up for what I need and to speak up for what I want. And I would, I was like, to my friends, was like, I appreciate you guys asking these questions or texting me all the time, but like, I can't right now. Like, I just don't wanna talk to you, like, that sounds so bad. But it was taxing, it was taxing. And they respected that. And I, you know, have learned how to communicate. Lyndsay Soprano (21:36.783) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (21:40.331) Yeah, no it does not at all. Yeah, of course it is Erika Mahoney (21:53.623) to someone who's grieving and I say, you know, what do you need or sometimes I think we ask too many questions and you should just show up for someone and do it like bring them the dinner or like draw them a bath, take out their trash, just do it. And, you know, I think what's worse is not saying anything at all. And pretending like it didn't happen or you know, that's I think that's the hardest part. I think we're so worried to talk about death. But We shouldn't be because it happens. Yeah, so those, I remember a lot of like human interaction. I remember suddenly we're going to the courthouse, which was so weird. And it was like this courthouse that was always on TV. Boulder, Colorado is home to John Benet Ramsey and she, little girl murdered. Lyndsay Soprano (22:35.983) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (22:49.614) 1995 in our community and that's kind of like what I remember the courthouse around and then it just was so strange to find myself inside that building and thinking this is my life now this is so weird and that's what comes with you know I think there is Lyndsay Soprano (23:00.121) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (23:12.11) expected loss, which is really hard too. And there's unexpected loss, which is its own can of worms. And when it's unexpected, it's just like life is like, yeah, again, it's the before and after. And suddenly I'm like living this whole different life. It felt like I was on the set of a movie, honestly. Lyndsay Soprano (23:30.053) That's a good way of putting it. Because it kind of feels that way when you listen to how you explain it. Not necessarily like the journalistic side of your show, but just the you separated from it where you're, yeah. Yeah. And you've got 10 people that were killed, right? And their family and all of that that comes with that going into these places. And not everybody went to the trial and went to all of those, went to all of it. Erika Mahoney (23:38.412) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (23:42.988) Yeah, separate. This is like a separation. Yeah, and it's and I think Erika Mahoney (23:54.232) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (23:58.349) Right, right, yeah, yeah, which is another example that every family grieves differently and some families chose, no, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (23:59.876) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (24:03.883) Exactly. And you cannot judge them. You cannot judge how anybody is going to grieve. Absolutely not. It is so incredibly selfish to put the way you would grieve for something on somebody else and their grieving process. Like, get the F out of here, Erika Mahoney (24:15.854) Totally, oh my God, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. So what ended up happening was this 21 year old shooter randomly picked the King Super's grocery store and he pulled into the parking lot and he first killed 23 year old young man. And then he killed my dad, and then he killed a woman that was kind of coming out of the store. And then he went inside the store and he killed seven more people, including a police officer, officer Eric Talley. He was the last person killed and he leaves behind seven children. Just think about those seven children alone, right? so many lives affected. And I think in this country, which obviously there's a gun crisis and I'm sick of us putting the responsibility on kids doing active shooter drills and going around this issue when it's obvious, okay, there needs to be more safety parameters around access to guns. I find it Lyndsay Soprano (25:18.265) Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (25:25.135) Mm. Lyndsay Soprano (25:29.306) Yes. Erika Mahoney (25:38.284) like so misleading that we focus on the number of people killed or the number of people hurt in these mass shootings when the toll is so much greater. I mean, my whole life has, this is a life-changing event for me and I'm not counted in the data. Lyndsay Soprano (25:52.613) Absolutely. Yeah, there's this isn't just about the ten people that day This is about the ten people they knew they loved it all the people that surrounded them the murder co-workers their dog I mean literally I mean it go yeah I mean it is that I know something happened to me my little dog Tommy would absolutely go I we would probably share I always tell my husband when when Tommy dies you're gonna have to put me in a mental Institution for like three to six months because I'm gonna lose my mind when this baby dies. He's my dog. He's a dog Erika Mahoney (25:56.354) Great. Erika Mahoney (26:03.188) Yes, yes, yes. Erika Mahoney (26:15.982) Yes, right. Yes. I know. Yeah, know. They have souls and they're connected to us. And yeah, just, you think about all of the people in the parking lot. You think about all of the people in the store, the shoppers, the employees. You think about the... Hundreds of law enforcement officers who a lot of them reached out to me, you know, because I interviewed some for the show and then also a lot of them reached out to me after the show and Some had to quit the the force and because they were so disturbed. I mean This is a huge problem and this is one event and then multiply that by all of the events we see across the country by now Everyone is touched by this problem Lyndsay Soprano (26:41.476) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (27:06.414) even if maybe not directly, you're sitting at home and you're watching the news and you're a young mom and you're seeing this, you're trauma. I mean, I know this from my friends. we're scared. We're scared to drop our kids off at school. We're scared to go to the movies. That is not freedom. And I am sick of this defense that having more safety parameters around guns is taking away freedom. It is not freedom to constantly be looking around your shoulder, to be... Lyndsay Soprano (27:16.645) 100%. Erika Mahoney (27:35.593) living this life that I have without my dad, who was my North Star, my anchor. Like life has been really hard. And you know, it's been it's been five years. And this last year was honestly like one of the hardest in this journey. We as a culture, Western culture do not give people enough time to grieve and recover. And I still struggle every day, I really do. But I choose to get back up because I know, like you said, that my dad wants me to keep going and I do it for him and I do it for myself, of course too, and I do it for my kids. you know, that 21 year old young man, he hurt a lot of people. He hurt a lot of people. And I don't just put the responsibility on him, I put it on all the people that... saw signs and didn't say anything. Our system of letting people who are mentally ill get these powerful, deadly weapons. I mean, I could tell you some gruesome details about my dad. mean, it's like, anyway, yeah, we don't have to go into it. Lyndsay Soprano (28:54.189) Well, yeah, mean, gruesome is true. And you didn't want to go into the funeral home. You didn't want to see your dad. You didn't want to see that aftermath of that. Of course not. But there are some people that are like, I have to because I need that closure. However, you're going to get your closure. If you can ever really truly feel like there's closure to something like this. mean, do you feel like right now, like you're like, I'm good. I've got closure on it. Absolutely not. Erika Mahoney (29:01.848) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (29:21.422) Yeah, no, think, no, there will never be closure. think the way that I've kind of like come to accept it, which is even hard to say, is I look at these like chapters and there's closure within these chapters. So I feel like after the trial, which it took so long, was, the trial didn't happen until like three and a half years after. Lyndsay Soprano (29:25.465) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (29:44.974) But that gave a sense of closure because it was like, okay, the trial part is now done and he was found guilty on all counts. I think Erika Mahoney (29:59.169) You know, he's a life lost too. And now he's spending the rest of his life in a small cell. mean, I think about his family too. They're victims of this as well, and they should be counted in the damage too. Lyndsay Soprano (30:17.637) And he was in a state psychiatric hospital for two years of this, correct? Yeah. Erika Mahoney (30:22.914) Yeah, yeah, so yeah, he was there for a while and so he could be competent to stand trial. And there were a lot of delays around that, which was really tough for us. And I think that made the whole thing worse. was like, we just want to put this behind us because there's a lot of legal aspects to it. Well, in this case, because he lived. So. Lyndsay Soprano (30:31.383) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (30:45.295) Mm-hmm. Right, right. What do you feel about that actually? How do you feel about the fact that he's still living versus, you know, so many of them killed themselves or they're shot by a police officer or what have you. How do you feel about him still being alive versus having it gone the other direction? Erika Mahoney (30:59.032) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (31:04.952) So what happened was, when he was inside the store, he was inside the store for a long time and people are hiding one woman, she had a bright yellow ski jacket on, she'd been skiing all day, she hid in a shelf of Lays chips. Lyndsay Soprano (31:12.867) Mm-hmm Lyndsay Soprano (31:20.419) Whoa, shut up. It's a smart woman right there. my God. How do you camouflage yourself in a bright yellow jacket? I mean, my God. Erika Mahoney (31:26.19) I know, I know, I know. Erika Mahoney (31:31.316) I know. And just so traumatizing. And she heard a lot of stuff and she testified. And then, you know, Logan, who he worked at the Starbucks kiosk inside the store, he's hiding under the countertop, protecting his co worker. All these people are in the store and the gunman is walking around and then waves of officers are coming in. And officer Richard Steidl is among those officers coming in and he, um, he, he, I interviewed him for the podcast and he, or I used his tape from, from the trial, but he, yeah, he could see the shooter come around the corner and it, to him, felt like a football field away. He said that in the trial and all he had on him that day was his handgun and he fires and he ends up hitting the gunman in the leg, which is Lyndsay Soprano (32:10.445) the trial yeah. Erika Mahoney (32:28.558) when the gunman is injured and he ends up surrendering and he comes out and Erika Mahoney (32:39.606) Yeah, I just sorry, my mind always goes to I saw all the news stations, there's footage of him getting walked out of the store and just he was wearing nothing. But boxers Yeah, and the bloody right leg and I always see that I think that's another like thing that will never go away these like stamps are brain of PTSD but but at first, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (32:47.701) his legs all covered in blood. yeah, Yeah, sure. What's PTSD? What is this? Well, we're talking about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Erika Mahoney (33:04.194) That's PTSD. At first I thought he was a victim and my heart went out to him because he was like bloodied. And then it clearly, he's the shooter. And then it was like, my gosh, and he is alive. And I just, think what it means is, you know, it means that there's going to be a trial and it's like this like long suspended thing. I don't think one's harder than the other. I think it was really hard for. Lyndsay Soprano (33:09.797) yeah. Erika Mahoney (33:34.218) me to sit in a courtroom with him for three weeks. But I worked with some therapists to do like energy work where I'd kind of picture myself with like in a bubble of light or have like a golden shield. And You know, that's just how it went for us. But it was hard. was, it's, yeah, it's hard. And I don't think about him that much, but I do at times. Like sometimes I'll just randomly get an email from the Department of Justice that like talks about like where he's being transferred. And that's another weird reminder of like what my life is now. It's like, why am I getting into, I always get caught off guard. like, what did I do? No, I'm just kidding. And I'm like, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (34:13.903) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (34:21.416) What did I do? That would definitely be my first response. Erika Mahoney (34:26.326) Like, my god. So. Lyndsay Soprano (34:28.037) Well, and you had, you I guess the answer to the question is you want him alive and you want him dead. Like, that's tough one to answer. I mean, for me, I wouldn't want that person alive anymore. However, I've not sat in your panties before. And when you were talking about on your show, you were mentioning something about, like you were saying about the family. His family's also affected by this. And, you know, there were an immigrant family. read an article, I think it was in New York magazine or I forget, I'm sorry. Yeah, New York Times and that they had said that this is a distinctly American tragedy that they got caught up in. And I just got the chills again. I was like, nailed it, nailed it. Erika Mahoney (34:59.596) Yeah, the New York Times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (35:08.056) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (35:11.486) Nailed that headline. Yeah, it's like an immigrant. Don't quote me an immigrant family caught up in a distinctly American tragedy or something like that. And wow, so true. Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (35:18.873) in a distinctly American tragedy. Yep, yep. And I was like, yes, totally, totally and completely. And then you have the people on the other side that don't, that the conspiracy theorists like, know, Alex Jones and Sandy Hook, you know, that just, can you imagine if somebody was saying your dad actually, this is all fake? Like, I can't, I can't, I can't even, I can't even, I can't even say what I want to say. I know. Erika Mahoney (35:32.511) my gosh. Erika Mahoney (35:38.894) Nothing makes me more angry. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (35:44.153) If I was these parents, I have these parents, I don't even, there's no words. Me too, me too. I'm just like, and I think the families of those from the defamation lawsuits were somewhere over like 1.4 or $1.5 billion and that still doesn't get my kid back. But I mean, at least that dude, I mean, sorry, we're taking a little wormhole here, but this is what we're talking about, about the mentality. Erika Mahoney (35:48.364) I feel my blood boiling right now with that. Erika Mahoney (35:57.474) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Great. Lyndsay Soprano (36:11.813) of why we have this gun issue in our country. These are people in our country that actually believe this. It's insane to me and that they think that this is, I'm so tired and my husband, as you know, is a journalist. He's been on air in Los Angeles Morning Drive for 35 years and he has to cover all of this stuff every time it happens. And we turn on the TV this past week, now there's school shooting here in California. And we're just like, or wherever it was. No, it was at a church or something. Erika Mahoney (36:28.193) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (36:39.928) Kids birthday party. Lyndsay Soprano (36:40.963) birthday party, that's right. It's like, my goodness gracious. It just goes, it goes on and on and he's affected by it. Then I'm affected by it because I'm listening to his show. And then it's on the news that night and it goes on and on and on. And I'm so tired of thoughts and prayers. I want to barf all over everybody that says it. I'm just like, okay, great. Thoughts and prayers for you when something like this happens to you. Erika Mahoney (36:48.47) Yeah, exactly. Erika Mahoney (36:56.6) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (37:00.556) Yeah, I know, I know, I- Yeah, yes, we need to figure out a way to alchemize heart and action. And that's, think, where the magic is going to happen. I did this podcast senseless because selfishly, it was a way for me to turn my pain into purpose and and heal and I Lyndsay Soprano (37:13.829) Mmm. Good work, choice. Erika Mahoney (37:34.059) embarked on this journey and I interviewed dozens of people affected by the same tragedy as me in different ways and it was so humbling and it was so eye-opening and it was so hard and I did the show to to show the pain and to show the hurt and then now it's like okay I want to be a voice for that. And it's really hard to even break through in this arena, but I do want to be a voice. And I hope that my kids have a better future and I will fight every day so that they can have a better future. But I'm bringing my heart to the table and I'm being vulnerable and it's really hard. But I do think that that is going to be the way that we actually make change is when people speak up and when we say like this. is senseless and it is especially senseless because it's preventable and we're traumatizing generations and this is not the America I know and love. Lyndsay Soprano (38:38.297) I'm with you 100 % on that, and I'm glad that we're aligned on that, but we already knew that before we started today. But it's, mm-hmm. Well, we hope people are listening, Erica. Erika Mahoney (38:43.95) And if anyone's listening who feels who feels differently, let me finish that sentence You know, I really hope that you do hear this and I hope that you can change your mindset even if it's a even if it's an inch because Yeah, this is my dad. I have a picture of him on my desk and this is me Lyndsay Soprano (38:54.041) Yeah! Erika Mahoney (39:13.614) and who's a wonderful man who did not deserve getting gunned down in a parking lot of a grocery store. I mean, this also, I like to keep his baby picture because it's like, you know, no one should have to go like that, you know? It's like when you see it, that face of a child, it's like, you know, I don't know. Anyway. Lyndsay Soprano (39:23.215) gatherers. Lyndsay Soprano (39:27.279) That is so cute. Lyndsay Soprano (39:39.952) Well, and there was a quote that I either read or I heard or something by you. And it was, never expected that my dad would have to run for his life in the parking lot of a grocery store. And then there was another part that was like a little bit after that that said, it's too late for my dad, but it's not too late for others. And that's exactly what we're talking about. If we're not gonna learn from what's going on in our nation right now, because we're not seeing this at a global scale. These mass shootings are here. Erika Mahoney (40:02.604) Mm-hmm. Right. Yes. Correct. Lyndsay Soprano (40:08.069) in the United States of America and 2025 was a total shit show in regards to them and I'm not looking forward to what we're coming being faced with in 2026 here. And we have if we're not going to be advocates for saving other people's lives by something so senseless like this, then I don't I don't even know what we're going to do as a as a culture as a population of people that can't are so divided as it is can't come together at least on this. Erika Mahoney (40:36.438) Right, I know. It's like, seriously, and no one is immune to this. No one is safe from this. And why can't we all come together on this? It breaks my heart. But I will continue to keep faith and hope that we can fix this. And I... Lyndsay Soprano (40:37.355) I mean, give me a fucking break. Yeah. No. Erika Mahoney (41:00.406) I have to. I mean, we have to keep up the hope because if we just turn away, which, yes, there are times when there is news of another mass shooting and we do want to look away. But if we continue to look away and let the numbness completely take over, then no change will happen. And I hope to see it in my lifetime. And I think we will. Lyndsay Soprano (41:24.143) I do too, I do too, but it's gonna be having conversations like this and getting out there and putting some feet in the street and joining rallies and going to places and writing letters and doing all of these things that we need to do to advocate for not for ourselves, but for others as well. And I mean, I literally don't go into movie theaters since I didn't really do it all that much either, but I don't go into movie theaters ever since the shooting in Colorado. I can't do it. I'm like literally, I'm. Erika Mahoney (41:46.198) Yeah, I know. It crosses my mind every single time that I go to see a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (41:52.44) Of course, I don't know how it couldn't. Yeah, I don't know how it couldn't. You're always looking like for exits. It's like you're getting on the plane. You're like, okay, the exit might be behind you, you know? mean, living like that is a very bad way to be living in a democracy that's supposed to be talking about freedom. I don't feel pretty free when I'm scared to go see a movie with my buddy, you know? It's totally gross. It's just horrific. Erika Mahoney (42:00.705) Yeah, yeah. Erika Mahoney (42:11.298) Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. And as a young mom, I, you know, bringing young children into this, into this world, it's like, I already have so much on my mind. And now we have to worry about this on top of everything. We're up here trying to do our good job. Yeah. And it's, we can't, I mean, the anxiety is real. And I suffered from extremely Lyndsay Soprano (42:27.523) That's scary enough to be a new mom. Erika Mahoney (42:39.246) like debilitating panic attacks for a long time. I I, yeah, it's, it's, it's too much and it's wrong and it's silly. And I think that a lot of people want to get to the like nitty gritty and try to say, well, you know, argue about what is the definition of a semi-automatic weapon. Okay. We're losing the big picture when we do that. Lyndsay Soprano (43:01.412) right. Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (43:06.124) Like you win, okay, but like let's look at the big picture, you know? And it's so clear and it's so obvious and we all know it, I believe it deep in our hearts. mean, for real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not enough. Lyndsay Soprano (43:20.079) for real, let's get for real here. Thoughts and prayers guys, thoughts and prayers. my gosh, it drives me insane. So, okay, so I know that you struggled a lot right after it happened, especially because you were six months pregnant at the time, you're fear of losing your baby. I mean, that's scary stuff. was she born on Father's Day? Erika Mahoney (43:43.625) Yeah, that was like another that was really wild. her due date was Father's Day. And then she and and that is the day that I checked into the hospital in the day like my water broke and then she came the next day, which was the you know, summer solstice. She's my summer solstice baby at the time, because it was like three months out. It was so fresh. I really wanted her to come on Father's Day because it just felt like meaningful. Lyndsay Soprano (43:48.218) Really wild. Okay. Lyndsay Soprano (43:57.797) Still. Erika Mahoney (44:12.866) and could maybe like mask the pain that this holiday now held but now that I'm a little bit farther out I'm really glad that my dad has his day which I still honor him on Father's Day and I've learned how to do that and how to connect with him as hard as it is and then she has her own day so Lyndsay Soprano (44:31.491) Yeah, that's great, because otherwise it's like my birth that shit, I've always had this like, great, mom's always gonna be super depressed today on my birthday. It's already depressing to get older, honey. Erika Mahoney (44:35.532) Yeah Erika Mahoney (44:39.498) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (44:47.919) So, and I know throughout all of these, mean, you've gone through so many different things. mean, having, you you went through recurring dark nightmares and all of these intrusive thoughts that were all time, worried about your babies, worrying about, worry, worry, worry, not wanting to go into the supermarket. I don't like to go grocery shopping anyways. So I would, I literally do not go into grocery stores, not for any other reason than I hate going into them. But after listening to your podcast, now I don't want to go into stores ever again. Erika Mahoney (45:14.678) I'm sorry. Lyndsay Soprano (45:15.383) Yeah, no, it's okay. Thoughts and prayers to me. But you've done a lot of work to get where you are right now. And I don't want to lose that part of this conversation because there are a lot of people that could have gone a completely different direction than what you did. They could have started a whole drug and alcohol and gambling and who the hell knows what different dark and twisty paths that they could have gone down. And you chose to not do that. And that is not easy to do. And it doesn't take your dad getting murdered in a parking lot to know that people have a lot of stuff that they have to get through, but you've handled it. And from my opinion, at least from reading so much about you and listening to your show, and I probably did a little bit more research on this than I probably should have. But I just adore you so much and I wanted to give you the space and know that I care enough about your story that I'm not just here, because that's not how I am as a host. Yeah, absolutely not. So, yeah. Erika Mahoney (46:02.478) So, love you. Erika Mahoney (46:09.92) I feel it. Yeah, it means a lot. Lyndsay Soprano (46:12.965) Yeah, and I'm here to help share your story as best I can for you and your family. But you've gone through a lot to get where you are. And I know that you've gone through therapy and you do something. And I don't know if you still do it, but you were writing letters to your dad. I really want to touch on that because I believe in writing as being such an incredible tool to heal no matter what you're going through. But writing letters. So I want you to talk a little bit about that. Erika Mahoney (46:26.976) Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Erika Mahoney (46:38.188) Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So for a year after I hid behind motherhood and I really shoved my feelings under the rug and it spilled out in the worst ways because it's like you're bottling up all of these feelings and they have nowhere to go. And that's why I had panic attacks because your body's like, you know, yeah. And Lyndsay Soprano (46:50.479) Mm. Lyndsay Soprano (47:03.481) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (47:08.628) The breaking point for me was the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas. I was sitting at my desk and I started getting the New York Times alerts on my phone about this school shooting and that it was an elementary school. I now had a young daughter. I had not faced the pain of what happened to my dad and I just broke. I... had a panic attack and then I had to go get my daughter and we were going to go to the farmer's market. But I was like, well, there's no way. I don't know. was like, whenever there at that point, when there was a school shooting, I thought or some sort of shooting, I would always worry like there was, I don't know that there was going to be another one or it was like some there's bigger planned attack. Who knows? I just like couldn't leave the house because your mind is like, um, worst case scenario all the time. And I Lyndsay Soprano (47:53.583) Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (48:00.417) was devastated for these children. And I remember just kind of like laying on the carpet, looking at the ceiling and the will to live was really low. And this image came to me of my dad, like greeting those children and like being there for them because he was the best dad. And God, I just wanted to tell those parents like You know, I'm not particularly religious, I'm spiritual, but I just wanted to tell those parents, like, my dad is there and he's got your kids and they'll be good. And I think that just that image made me realize, like, I gotta keep going. I felt so silly. My friend had sent me a podcast and I really liked the therapist and I wrote to her. I don't know, I liked her voice and I wrote to her, like it was like an email, one of those like, you know, already programmed like email inboxings, like on a website, like it was just like you would fill it out and I was like, this is not going to go anywhere. And I felt kind of silly doing it, but I knew I really needed help. And she wrote back and she was like, you know, I'm all tied up, but I have another therapist, Claire Bidwell Smith, who I think you'd like would be a great fit for. And I met with Claire like the next day, I think. Lyndsay Soprano (49:03.769) Like, E cards. Yeah. Erika Mahoney (49:24.694) And Claire really changed my life. And I sat with her over Zoom every week and she's a writer and she has a book, she has several books. One is called like, Anxiety, The Missing Stage of Grief, which I think is really important if anyone wants to check it out. Really helped me a lot. And Claire said, why don't you write a letter to your dad? And... And I put it off for a while, but I finally sat down and I looked at my laptop and like I typed out Dear Dad. And then I just started to cry and I really needed that release because I was so pent up. Like I was almost unable to cry for a long time. And I just told him what was going on in life. And I told him what Brynn was doing and I felt connected to him. And it was so freeing and it's a practice I continue to do to this day. I update him on life and it's beautiful and I can almost hear him like responding now in my head and it's a way to just keep up my connection with him. You don't have to be a writer to do this, you you just sit down and you just type it out and. I think it's something that we can all do and I think it's something that's so valuable. I continued talk therapy with Claire for a long time. I ended up going on a grief retreat that she led, which was a really weird experience. No, sorry to use the word weird, Claire, but it was weird in the sense that it was like a little bit trippy. Now she's like, you're making it worse. But it's like, Lyndsay Soprano (51:00.131) I was gonna ask you about that. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna ask. Erika Mahoney (51:16.206) 25 strangers in this big house in the middle of the woods in Northern California, spending the weekend together. And everyone had different losses, but we were all there connected because we'd chosen to do this. And it was so beautiful and it was so hard. And I wanted to leave pretty much up until the last day because it was really hard. It was really hard because like I'm an empath and on the first night we went around the rooms and set our everyone's story and by the time that ended I was like, I just don't think my heart can handle this. But I stuck it out and it was really, it was really beautiful and it was a different, it was a different way of grieving and. Lyndsay Soprano (51:43.865) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (52:02.051) had us all bring pictures of our loved ones and on the last day we put all of their pictures on the table and it felt like they were in the room with us and I just think it was like a different way of thinking about loss and grief and we did like yoga and dance and that was really powerful for my healing journey. Lyndsay Soprano (52:10.41) that's cool. Erika Mahoney (52:22.15) I have met with a specifically a trauma therapist, Angela Schellenberg. She's helped me a lot with, she's the one who helped me with like the energy work to face the trial and just, you know, tips for how to calm down her nervous system. I, you know, made art out of it by doing the podcast. And I think if you're a painter, maybe you could paint or, you know, musician, you could write a song, but being a journalist, I did the podcast and that was really healing. And, you know, I don't want to tell anyone how to find resilience, but there's a lot of ways and sometimes it feels like facing the pain is like the harder thing to do than just to like succumb to it. But from where I am now, it's worth it. Beauty can rise from the ashes. I know life is fragile and as much as I wanted to hide away in the beginning, I live so like forcefully now and I love that and I wasn't really like that before. My friend Olivia who she lost her mom in the shooting. There's a she said this in the in the podcast. I love it She's like when it rains I go out and I dance in the rain if there's a river I am jumping in it, you know, and I love that because it's like Let's squeeze the good out of life. Let's look for the good if these horrible things unexpected tragedies can happen Then also beautiful things can happen, too Lyndsay Soprano (53:51.343) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (54:09.783) Absolutely. one of the things that while you were saying that I, like in the beginning when I was talking, when I opened the episode, I had to have like one night happened and I was like, I was either gonna, like I had mentioned CRPS is called the suicide disease. We had a very scary evening here and we had to turn, take that, you know, that lemon. and squeeze it and make some really sweet lemonade out of it. And my way of doing that was doing this show. I thought I was just gonna do it like a one year deal. I didn't have any plans to do it. And now we're on season four. And the people that I get to meet make me have hope, not unlike yourself. They continue to have, I have dialogue with these people. I'm friends with them. Some people have been to my home, I guess. I've come to my house to parties. Erika Mahoney (54:45.838) It's amazing. Erika Mahoney (54:51.107) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (55:01.573) It has turned into my own weird little community and you're in it now too, so congratulations. But yeah, it's called the VIP club, okay? So yeah, I you're a VIP now, but yeah, when shitty stuff happens to you and everybody has shitty stuff happen to you, you can approach it in a good way or a bad way. And in the beginning, I was kinda like, this is gonna be it. I felt the way I did nine years ago, Erika Mahoney (55:07.82) Woohoo! Made the club! Erika Mahoney (55:20.792) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (55:24.984) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (55:30.597) I would be stoked. My pain was like bupkis in comparison to what it is now. And so I look back at that little Lindsay and go, wow, you really have come a long way in approaching how you're going to address the fear of one morning I might not be able to walk or, and you just got to keep on trucking through. And I love the writing letters thing so very much. And I hope someday that you take all of your letters and you turn them into a book, even if it's just for yourself. Erika Mahoney (55:36.266) Erika Mahoney (55:58.101) that's good idea. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (56:00.024) Yeah, because I'm part of a podcast community and they talk about how we can turn our episodes into a book. And I was like, interesting. So because we have such incredible stories and we've gone through so many things as human beings for us to keep that just to ourselves, doesn't do anything for yourself or for others either. Erika Mahoney (56:09.73) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (56:24.92) What I was gonna say that's so powerful about your show and about sharing our stories is that it makes people feel less alone. And I think that's really when things can go south is when you really do feel alone. And I just want people to know that they're not alone and your show does that. And it's hard to be human, man, it is hard. Lyndsay Soprano (56:35.716) Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (56:50.863) Yeah, no kidding. Erika Mahoney (56:52.366) It's like we have this life and it's going to have challenges and how we react to those challenges is going to make or break you. Lyndsay Soprano (57:04.729) Yes, well said, because it's totally true. I was just that close to letting it break me. Erika Mahoney (57:10.292) So why is it called that? Why is it called the suicide disease? Lyndsay Soprano (57:14.425) because on the McGill's pain scale, it's higher than natural childbirth in the pain world. And I am a very good performer of making it look like I'm not in pain, but it's, know, about this time, especially when I'm super focused on something, I'm not thinking about it. But like this morning, I couldn't walk, you know, and you're like, all right, well, I'm in my wheelchair, I'm doing my thing, you know. Erika Mahoney (57:32.332) Yeah. I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. That's really hard. Lyndsay Soprano (57:37.854) And I'm prepared that that might be my destiny. But another reason why I do this show is because it does give me hope and it reminds me every single day that there are others that have gone through far worse things than I have. Not that there's a big scale of, no, your trauma is worse than my trauma. I hate that, by the way. Yeah. In our house, we call it the Jewish guilt Olympics, but that's for my sweetie. But no, it's like we. Erika Mahoney (57:54.486) Yeah, the Trauma Olympics. Trauma Olympics. Okay. Lyndsay Soprano (58:04.183) It's not like that. And I hate when people always say, please don't do this guys. If you're like, man, my back hurts. And I'm like, And they're like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm like, no, don't do that. Like if you're going through a storm, let me get you a blanket and hold an umbrella up for you. know? Because that's what we're here for. We're humans that need to love each other and not get so pissed off at each other all of the time and be selfish, but be good selfish. Erika Mahoney (58:21.55) Yeah. Erika Mahoney (58:33.422) Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that. Lyndsay Soprano (58:35.319) Yeah, because there's two definitions for that in my world. I mean, and I know that trauma has impacted all of our identities. You know, it's affected our mental health. It's affected our sense of self. It's affected so many things. And I am not who I was 10 years ago, not even remotely, but I'm also still the same chick that I was 10 years ago. You know what I mean? Erika Mahoney (58:40.183) Yes. Yes, it has. Erika Mahoney (58:56.334) Mm. Yeah. Totally. Right. That's great. I love that. Yeah, I 2025 was a rough year for me. And it was a year of like, shedding. And I think that is part of grief where you shed parts of yourself that no longer align with you. And like for me, people pleasing and Lyndsay Soprano (59:01.487) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (59:16.026) Yes. Erika Mahoney (59:20.576) in all this stuff. And I kind of wore myself down to my core, which I see as my inner child. And what you just said reminds me of that. Like, connect with your inner child, talk to your younger self. You when it comes to writing letters, you can also write letters to yourself. And I think that's so beautiful. And, you know, with your grief, Lyndsay Soprano (59:20.623) Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (59:41.509) Absolutely. Erika Mahoney (59:47.895) in a way it's grief, right? It's like the loss of your body, what it was before. You could write, you know, like you could write letters to yourself and... Lyndsay Soprano (59:51.717) 100 % grief. Lyndsay Soprano (59:58.468) I might start actually doing that, because I write a lot, but I don't write to myself. I talk to myself a lot at night while I'm not sleeping. Erika Mahoney (01:00:03.181) Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. Yes. God, I had that last night. I was thinking for hours. That's rough. And that doesn't happen to me all the time. I was I really was and I and I'm loving our conversation. And yeah, it's like, we don't want to never want to tell someone how to to grieve or how to heal. But give writing a chance. Everyone should give writing a chance because I think Lyndsay Soprano (01:00:07.843) busy brain disorder. you were just excited to talk to me today. Erika Mahoney (01:00:34.37) There's something so powerful just putting words down on paper and, and yeah, it's like this thing that you have that you can look back on and you can say, like, I should go back and read that first letter, you know, that I wrote to my dad. Yeah. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (01:00:49.677) Ooh, yeah, you should. Yeah, that's your homework. That's your homework. And I want an update afterwards. man. Erika Mahoney (01:00:58.418) Uh-huh. I cried. No, I am you know, it's funny another thing that Tragedy has taught me is like at first people would say you're strong and it bothered me because it was like I don't want to be strong and You're resilient and That bothered me too in my mind the word resilient to me if there was like an image attached to it was like a brick wall. Only within maybe the past two years did I learn resilient means to be like flexible and flowing with life. And so now the image in my mind when I hear the word resilience or resiliency is more of like a rubber band. And I love it. And I love nothing. Like that is the best compliment is when somebody says like, you're resilient. And it means that there are bad days and there are good days and you flow with life. I also think that I know that I am strong and I now appreciate it and in being strong I've actually become softer. Lyndsay Soprano (01:02:16.505) Mm-hmm. Erika Mahoney (01:02:17.73) So I just share my heart and I cry all the time and I cry for myself and I cry for other people. And I love that because we can become so hard so easily, especially journalists. mean, we cover a lot of hard stuff all the time and you can kind of become jaded. Lyndsay Soprano (01:02:41.029) Kind of. Erika Mahoney (01:02:44.876) Yeah, cynical, know, you can lose hope. And in living this tragedy, yeah, I've become softer and I really like leading life in a soft way, being soft with myself, being soft with others. And yeah, I'm proud of myself for that. Lyndsay Soprano (01:02:46.201) Yep. ooh, yep. Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (01:03:08.133) I am too, and I'm so grateful to have met you and it was kind of a random way that I found you. so I'm just, I'm so. Erika Mahoney (01:03:16.174) I'll never forget it. I remember you reached out and I was like, who's this person? And I just looked you up and I was just starting out with the podcast journey and I felt really seen. thank you really truly. Lyndsay Soprano (01:03:29.155) you got it. Yeah. And vice versa. And I just I've I've enjoyed every moment of our conversation today. And I look forward to continuing with our little mini friendship here that we've started to form because, we've got it. We've got to keep building our community. Our village can get bigger. It doesn't have to just be small. But I'm happy to have you part of mine. And I have quick, quick question that just randomly came up. What would you say to your dad? If you had another day with him? Erika Mahoney (01:03:49.848) Okay. Erika Mahoney (01:03:56.687) I love this. wow. I haven't thought about like what my perfect one more day with my dad would be. And what a beautiful full circle question because I told you I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him. Erika Mahoney (01:04:18.682) I would say that I love you, Dad, endlessly. I love cooking your favorite food now. I love listening to your favorite songs. I love looking at your picture. And you are the best, Dad. I would probably go on a hike with him out in nature because he loved nature. And that has been a big part of my healing journey is connecting with nature and just seeing the beauty around us and seeing how things grow in the hardest of conditions and environments they continue to grow. And I would probably have another father daughter date. So. he would take me like on father daughter dates. And if you're a dad listening, do this with your daughters because daughters get a lot of their confidence from their dads. But we would go out for sushi and then we would go see a movie. So usually an action movie. We loved Iron Man and we would get like a lot of popcorn and eat a lot of gummy worms. And I would want to just do something so simple and just talk to him and. I would want to ask him more questions because there's a lot of questions I didn't get to ask him, like about his life. And, you know, if your loved ones are still alive, like ask them those questions because there are things like I want to know now that I can't. So ask those questions and always say, I love you. We said it a lot in my family and I'm so glad we did given what happened. Don't hold back on that. Erika Mahoney (01:06:15.426) Yeah, it does. Now I will have that in my mind. That's so great. Thanks for that gift. Lyndsay Soprano (01:06:15.461) Sounds like a lovely day. Good. You got it. You got it. I aim to please here at the Pain Game Park. I like to bring people to tears and to make them laugh. Erika Mahoney (01:06:26.99) You Erika Mahoney (01:06:33.548) The emotional roller coaster, yes, of a life. Lyndsay Soprano (01:06:35.223) Yes, indeed. And it is definitely one. And, you know, I hope after all of this, you know, all of the people that are listening here today, you know, that you don't feel alone because you got Erica and you got Lindsay, you got two people that are right here that will definitely hold up an umbrella for you underneath this in the storm. Absolutely. And before we hit the dusty trail here, is there anything that you'd like to leave our listeners with, especially when it comes to gun violence before we jam here? Erika Mahoney (01:06:51.682) Sending you love, sending you a hug, yeah. Keep going. Erika Mahoney (01:07:05.614) Wow, when it comes to gun violence. I think that we should definitely open our minds. I think that we should show up for people that are affected by this. If someone is affected by this in your community, like bring them the meal. do make the vigil. It is a really hard thing to navigate. So show up for them, be there for them. you know, call your call your Congress members. And I think that if we continue to speak out and speak up that there's like this quote that I always think have in my head, it's like when one person moves, we all move. And to just keep going. Keep fighting. And if you have to be that first person to make the move, then do it. Lyndsay Soprano (01:08:13.285) Thank you. Awesome. Thank you for being here, my darlin'. Erika Mahoney (01:08:18.242) Thank you so much. Lyndsay Soprano (01:08:19.575) It's been wonderful. Okay. Here's to 2026. Erika Mahoney (01:08:22.358) Yeah, here's to 2026 and tragedy is a life-changing thing and we'll continue to face challenges, but we've got this. Lyndsay Soprano (01:08:32.901) I'm literally just gonna say we got this. So great. Perfect. Well, I will put everything up on social and in show notes and email marketing and all of the things that we do here for the show. You can find Erica all over the place. Her website is erikamahoney.com. It's E-R-I-K-A-M-A-H-O-N-E-Y, like honey. And you can find her on Facebook and LinkedIn and YouTube and all of the places. Erika Mahoney (01:08:53.836) Yeah! Lyndsay Soprano (01:08:57.901) Her podcast is called senseless with Erica Mahoney on Lamanata, Lamanata media. And it is absolutely worth listening to and sign up for the bonus material that Lamanata has. It's like six bucks. It's like no big deal. And it totally, it shattered for me in a good way. It exploded, opened up your story in a whole bunch of different ways. Cause I had listened to it without it first. Erika Mahoney (01:09:25.368) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (01:09:25.549) And then I listened to it again with it and it just made it come full circle for me in a different way. And it touched me to hear from all of the victims and their stories and their lives and the aftermath. And it's wonderful and thank you for doing that because I know it was healing for you but it's healing for a lot of other people as well. Erika Mahoney (01:09:45.678) That means so much to me. Thank you. Okay. Bye, Lindsay. Lyndsay Soprano (01:09:47.607) You got it. All right, guys, you are exclusively invited to share this unapologetically resilient VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you by my side and Erica's side. Please follow the pain game podcast wherever you digest your podcast content. We will be there. Visit us at the pain game podcast and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening, my little VIPs. Catch you on the other side. Lyndsay Soprano (01:10:17.37) Huh.