Latest / Heavyweight / The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 7

Transcript

The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 7 · Heavyweight

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Think Johnny, Think,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: good Night, Podstar, Crossed Sandwiches, good Night Healthcare, Timothy Nelson,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: good night, Twitter follower. I'm seeing a co reporting situation.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I had saved the show, but at what price? I
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: guess you could say I've always enjoyed sandwiches, whispers Timothy Nelson.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: He leans into the studio microphone with eyes shut. He
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: is being soulful, and I want to die. I've been
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: interviewing this man for the past five and a half
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: hours as he meticulously recounts the tedious backstory to a
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: subway sandwich order from the night in question. He is
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: walking me through what feels like a real time history
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: of his sandwich eating habits. We've devoted over an hour
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: to his love of open face sandwiches as a boy.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Discovering peeda pockets in his twenties was another hour, Pannini's
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: in his thirties, an hour and a half. And I
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: don't know how long we talked about tuna melts under
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: the studio table. My fingernails dig into the palm of
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: my hand. I don't think I can endure much more.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: And then there's Olive's Timothy Nelson says with a sly grin.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: You see, when I first discovered them at the tender
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: age of five, they looked like marbles, and so of
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: course I enjoyed shoving them up my nose. They felt
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: good up there. It is the longest, most in depth
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: interview of my career, all in service to an idiot's
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: tale a man orders a sand and receives the wrong one.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: But after extensive test marketing with influencers from Generation double
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Z and other key demographics, the haircuts on the advertising
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: team have seized on Nelson's story, calling it immensely relatable
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: and honest but truthful, as well as brand safe. They've
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: even hired a professional fashion photographer to shoot Nelson and
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: I quote hanging out. The most punishing photographic tableau features
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: us spooning each other on a custom made six foot
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: long baguette. By the time I hit my thirties, continues
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson heroes became a staple roast beef cheese slaw,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: ham salad, chicken salad, grilled chicken salad, which leads us
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: to the night of the Crisscross sandwiches. I said, exasperated,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: oh no, he retorts. My discovery of heroes came years
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: before that night, and I only got into subway sandwiches
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: in my forties. So much comes before Giro's burrito's. Not
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: to mention non burrito raps. It's really quite fascinating how
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: many different kinds of raps there are. Can we get
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: to the night in question? I bark, My patience completely eroded.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to set the stage, Timothy Nelson shouts.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Back Stage setting is a key part of storytelling. So
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: is keeping your interviewer from falling into an anger sleep.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I say, just let me tell the story the way
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: it needs to be told, says Nelson. It needs to
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: be told to a psychiatrist. I shriek, possibly the jailhouse kind.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: I don't know why I ever let Alex talk me
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: in into this fiasco, yells Timothy Nelson, talk you into it?
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I ask, I can't believe the depths to which I've sunk,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: and you call yourself an interviewer, christ Timothy Nelson, I
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm talking to a cactus, and abnormally stupid cactus.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Just as I'm about to scream in Timothy Nelson's face
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: that I hate him, hate everything about him that I
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: have hated him before I even knew him, hated him
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: when he was just an innocent child. I catch sight
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: of the recording light, which is not on. In fact,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: it is off. We've not been recording. I whisper, my
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: voice hoarse. What Nelson asks, We've just spent the past
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: six hours, I say, pretending to have a delightful conversation
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: about your stomach turning culinary habits for absolute lutely no reason.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Because you never hit record. My eyes tear up and
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: my jaw starts to twitch. I never hit record. Timothy
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Nelson repeats, that's rich. You're supposed to be the interviewer,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: you cactus. It's your job to press record. Energy drinks
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: and raspberry wine coolers litter the floor beneath Timothy Nelson's feet.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: The room is thick with the smell of our body odor,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: though neither of us can detect it, as we've not
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: smelled fresh air in six hours. All for nothing. This
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: is a bad dream, I babble. I gave up my
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: two year old son's first ukulele lesson for this. I
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: passed up my best friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: says Timothy Nelson. We had back Street Boys tickets. We
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: stare at each other, breathing hard, when suddenly, like the
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: bear from the Revenant, Timothy Nelson is upon me, and
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I am upon Timothy Nelson as he tries to lock
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: my head, I, like the bear from the House at
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Pooh Corner, attempt to bear hug his waist. For but
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: a moment, we are locked in a nauseatingly intimate embrace
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: before we crash into the shelves, knocking over a series
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: of non heavyweight related peabody statuettes, some rolls of Gimblet's
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: promotional toilet paper three ply all, and several heavy sacks
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: of money bearing the Spotify logo. It's enough of a
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: racket to cause several Gimlet employees and adjacent studios to
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: come rushing in. Timothy Nelson and I separate. Nothing to
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: see here, I say, adjusting the collar on my shirt.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: One too many cider jacks, says Nelson. The gathering crowd
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: stands around, holding their noses and gawking at us, until,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: in a puff of sea breeze and sandalwood, Bloomberg suddenly appears.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Everybody scatters fellas he cries, there's no time for horseplay.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: We have a season premiere rap party to think of.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: We are going to have a tastefully appointed fountain overflowing
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: with Miller High Life, the Champagne of beers. It's going
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: to be so exclusive that even invited guests will only
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: learn of it the day after it happens, and even
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: then only on title. I guess I did overreact a little,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: says Timothy Nelson, extending his hand. Just thinking of all
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: the horrible Timothy Nelson related nooks and crannies this hand
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: is ventured, is enough to make my abdominal pips wilt.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: But there was Bloomberg so full of hope for the
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: sponsorship deals, in ancillary revenues, licensing opportunities, and marketing hooks,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: but also for the story of this cursed subway sandwich.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I should never have tried to strike you, I say,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: accepting Nelson's hand. Bloomberg exits the studio, leaving Timothy Nelson
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: and I alone. We eye each other warily, and each
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: take our seats. Nelson behind the guest Mic and I
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: behind the host Mike, and then I press the record button.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: I guess you could say I've always enjoyed sandwiches, says
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson as my pips explode in chapter seven of
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: the Heavyweight Diaries. The next season of Heavyweight will begin
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: in two weeks on September twenty sixth. Remember if you
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: don't listen to Heavyweight on Spotify, Jim Gimblet's head of
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: finance and Operations will tan my Canadian hide. But good.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge just Stevie Lane,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Khalila Holt, and Va Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: the final chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week