Latest / The Uncommons / The High Achiever’s Trap: "I’m Not There Yet” | Ep 31
Transcript
- The High Achiever’s Trap “I’m Not There Yet”: If you have this constant feeling that you're not there yet, if you have big goals and you're always in pursuit of something, but when you look at your life, somehow you still feel behind. This episode is for you. Maybe you have accomplished things you once dreamed about. But instead of feeling that you've arrived, the goalpost just moved. There's another number, another milestone, another version of you that you think you need to become. And underneath all of that can be this quiet belief, when I get there. I'll feel good. I'll feel successful. Then I can relax. Then I can feel that I'm finally enough. But what happens when there keeps changing? By the end of this episode, I want you to walk away knowing how to pursue a big life without spending your entire life feeling that the one that you have is not enough. Because there's a completely different energy between I'm enough today and I'm excited about where I'm going and I'm not enough today, so I need to get there. One allows you to move with life, the other one can keep you pushing against it. Welcome to the On Commons podcast, where we discuss what it really takes to build something meaningful. I'm Parisa. Paige. Last episode we talked about burnout and feeling of no matter how hard you try, you feel a little short. And no matter how much effort you put in, it's just hard to hold everything together. And we concluded at the end of that episode that there are a few layers of emotionally what goes into that. And one of the layers was the feeling that I'm not there yet. Yes. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I push, how much energy and effort, and I'm putting all of me into this, and I'm not there yet. The reason I wanted to record this episode is that we had in a few conversations ago. You shared something very genuine and very authentic. You said behind every overachieving man is a boy who thought he's not enough. And you said the reason I once wanted to reach a hundred million dollar net worth was because of that little boy that says, Maybe if I reach that, I'll be good enough. And somebody with a lot of kindness and warmth in their heart left a comment. That said, wait until your kids grow up and they're all addicts and in and out of rehab and they're suicidal, then you know what you did to them with your hundred million dollar goal. And I read that. I'm like, ouch. It hurts when you go after the kids, you know? Why does that bother you? There was also a part of me that's scared of that happening. Yeah, of course. Right? It's just it's I think that's the fear of any parent. Yeah. That what if my kids grow up being messed up because I'm focused on this other thing. Right. And you always say that all the wealthy people, most of the wealthy people around us, they have issues with their kids. Right. That hurt a little more specifically because the comments come and go and I'm like, whatever. But this one stuck with me. So I wanna know, are we pushing harder and harder? Because the goal post is moving, so we hit a goal, but the target keeps moving higher and higher. Or that feeling of I'm not there yet, is that genuinely because we're not where we want to be? I think I've lived this life a couple times. I've been through a revolution, I've been through racism, lived as a Jew in a Muslim country, moved here as a immigrant. In the nineteen eighties, where the Iranians have kept hostages of Iran and get my ass kicked on regular basis, go home with a bleeding nose every day, and kids didn't sit next to me because I was a Jew, I was a dirty Jew, and I married you and the whole world was a I mean, just you know, I've been through a lot of this shit. So I honestly love everybody. I believe in everybody's belief. But the the journey Is this moving post that I'm not there yet? Connected to as a child, not good enough. And maybe some generations behind that have passed some of this stuff that caused me at least to think I'm not good enough. And connected to I'm not there yet. But going back to the listeners' comments, it's it is a hundred percent on point. Because A, I have a lot of friends that are wealthy and I've seen so many of their kids is exactly what this guy talks about. Alcoholism, drug, waiting for them to die to collect the money, horrible relationships. Not talking to their parents. If I unpack that, it's either coming from a person who's got a hundred million dollars and has no relationship with the kids, or a person That doesn't have the hundred million dollars and is poo-pooing the fact that money is bad. Yeah. Which it was a struggle for me personally. Yeah. Part of my this recent growth. I'm still working on it. Today, this relationship with money is huge. We took a course years ago. I'm like, we fixed the problem. There's a relationship with money. It was called Millionaire Mind Intensive Intensive. Great program. It just touched on the surface and we touched it with other bunch of different programs that we've done. But really I'm diving down deep into it and realizing that sometimes when these things come up, like a hundred million dollar number comes up or twenty five million dollar comes up, I could see it, I want it, but I can't feel it. I can't get it in my body, I can't accept it. And part of that for me was I did have the same belief. I believe that money's bad. Money is going to separate you from your kids. Money is going to and this this internal block with money is something that I personally have to over I'm still c overcoming it. So you mean the belief, internal belief that if I have more than a certain amount of money, I will have trouble with my kids. Or anything else. I d like mine was like, God, I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna be that guy that I I'm so wealthy where so many people are hungry in the world. Which is still true. It's not that I don't want it, but the way I think about it now is like give me more so I could give more. The feeling of I'm not there yet is not just money, right? It could be some sort of an impact, it could be some sort of a reach, some sort of a number, some sort of a goal that we have. It doesn't have to be just money. But what you're talking about as far as the beliefs that prohibit us from getting to what we want to get, it applies to all of it, whether it's financial or not. Let's just define let's just take a step back and define wealth. Wealth to me is happiness and the level of happiness that I have, that we have. And the definition of happiness for me is money is part of it. Which I would love to have, love to have a comfortable life, and use the money as an agent to create happiness in a way that I could with for me would be making amazing memories. I I look at my life, I'm like, okay, well, the relationship with my children, relationship with my family, my extended family, my work, what I'm creating putting it. Honestly a lot of it defines in relationships. Relationships. It does. Yes. But then I think there's also another layer of doing what you want to do when you want to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a huge part of quote unquote wealth, but because some people want to have financial freedom. They don't want to work nine to five anymore or work for somebody else anymore. They want to be in charge of their own schedule. That's their definition of where they want to be, right? Some people want to have certain amount of impact. Some people want to have certain amount of giving and donations and like making this world a better place. There's so many different things. But at the end of the day, there are beliefs under the surface running this whole thing or preventing us from where we want to get. Absolutely. And it could be beliefs about money, which money is a very this whole subject. For me, one of those beliefs was that if I'm a working mom and if I'm having a huge amount of impact in this world, which could come from what I imagine in my head where I want to be, like talking on stages, being on podcasts, having a message that I can spread. If I'm doing all that, my children are gonna suffer. So I really want it. I'm pushing for it, I'm going towards it, but am I really pushing? Because I go two step forward and three step backwards, because there is something lingering in my subconscious that says, if I'm there, then I'm not a good mom. Limited belief. Limited belief. That's right. So with whatever that that goal is, that I'm not there yet, there is something that's pulling me away from getting to it. But that's just one thing about having a goal and not being there. But the other question that I had was that does the goal change constantly? Yeah, of course the goal changes in my opinion. But let's go back to the definition of wealth. What you just described to me is another portion of wealth. Doing things in life that pleases you, that allows you to feel fulfilled. Yeah. Raising children is one. Yeah. And having a life of your own that you wanna do podcasts and raise the intelligence of the world or or the energy of the world, whatever it is, that moves you. And to me, that's part of your wealth. Because if you're able to do that, none of the us other stuff matters to you, right? You have a good family life, you have good children, you have good relationships, and you're doing your podcasts. You're wealthy. But where it ties with money is where I have to work nine to five to make ends meet, then I can't do this thing that I which in that case you still can, right? But there is a belief that, if I'm If I have to provide for my family, then I'm limited in how I can get to where I want to get. A hundred percent. So that's how people tie money with wealth and wealth with I want to do what I want to do when I want to do. That's right. Financial freedom to me, financial freedom is to to be able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, as much as I want to do it. Some people don't want financial freedom. That's not part of their wealth. I want to have enough money to be able to go make enough money to go travel the world. That was me when I was an ER doctor. I became an ER doctor. One of the reasons was I want to travel the world. I want to do shifts and get the fuck out. You know, and not be responsible for patients. But I wanted to help people. And I want to make good money, but I wanted to travel. So those goals, the goalposts does change. Right? On the financial portion of it, I thought. A million dollars is a great number. And then ten million and a hundred million and a billion. What you know, as long as I am able to be astute enough to be able to categorize that as being a portion of my wealth, not the only portion of wealth. Only part of wealth. Yeah. And the goalpost for wealth, I think, changes. Right? Right now, my relationship. With my family is significantly more important than it was 10 years ago. You didn't have the family. Didn't have the family, right? And then my relationship with my extended family is even more important to me than before because greatest warmth and the feeling I get in my heart is when I see my children play with my nieces and my cousins and this beautiful community. Yeah. What doesn't change for me? And I'm trying to change that. Is that where I was taught as a child that scarcity mindset is where you need to have, because we were slaves. I see it in Jews. I see it in African Americans. I see it in a lot of these generational things that is born and in and just keeps you reminded of it. Part of your life, part of your how you grew up. And You need to be perfect, which means I'm not good enough. So whenever you're not good enough, when that base and the core is not balanced, no matter what happens, wherever you end, you're never happy. Yeah. Because you're never good enough. And you know what happens there? Going back to the comment of our great listener with a lot of kindness, what happens is that a lot of parents, when we do when we have this feeling of I'm not good enough, then We without knowing, we use our children as a way of feeling that maybe they give me worth. You know, if my child is in Olympics, I feel worthy now, because I did something right. If my child is goes to Harvard, then I'm I'm good enough maybe then, right? Still I'm not there yet, but if that happens, then I will be good, then I'll be somebody. That feeling I don't think it ever goes away, but it just gets transferred to the next generation, the way our moms and dads transferred it to us. Because the reason that we had to be super successful and be a doctor or engineer or lawyer or all these like high standards was because it would make them feel good. one hundred percent. Right? So they felt like they weren't good enough. So they transferred it to us and we transfer it if we are unconscious about it and transfer it to the next generation. Then first of all that won't make us feel good enough anyways at the end of the day. And also we are kind of passing it on without knowing what we want to pass and what we want to take out of this lineage. As much as I don't want to do that to my children and I'm aware of what happened to me, subconsciously when my children and my boy who's a little bit older, who's getting a little more competitive, I just love when he makes a shot and a goal when he's playing soccer. And I'm I just like he feels my energy. And it's one of his biggest downfalls of letting me down if something good doesn't happen during his soccer practice. I had lunch with this great guy a couple days ago. He's an attorney in town. He's a good guy, well enough, not the most powerful attorney in town, but his kid came to me as a patient, and I just love that relationship. I'm like, dude, tell me, tell me. Give me, give me, give me a lesson here. And he told me something that just blew my mind. This is two days ago, lunchtime. He said, I meet him wherever he is. He wanted to do whatever, you know, be a professional athlete. I'm like, Yep, I'm there behind you. He wants to be an actor now. And when he said that, I rolled my eyes, I'm like, my God. And he goes, No. I tell him, Great, I got your back. We have enough money, I could support you to do that. I'm like, What? And I just realized In our culture, that's like I just realized I'm doing exactly what my parents are doing to me, subconsciously transferring this energy. And honestly, the lesson I got from it is like my son is innately competitive. Yes. I'll encourage him in whatever he wants to do. And if he decides to go for whatever, I'm like, yep, I'm there for you. And if he doesn't want to do it, I'm there for you. It's just really hard to take ego out of parenting. Hundred percent. It's so hard because it directly feeds the ego what they do or hurts the ego. Yes. Yeah, because nothing more important than your children. Yeah. And their happiness is your ha greatest happiness. And we it it is such a powerful dynamic that for you to be able to unpack that is extremely difficult for you. To not interject our own happiness in their hands. That's right. Yeah and 'cause sometimes we take away their happiness just because of the ego. Ego. And that's that's huge. Right. And I want to go back to your commenter. I love that place. I positive or negative comments, it's all good comments. Because, you know, we we're just doing a podcast and we're learning you know from we're learning so much from the people that get comments to us, right? But if the the commenter is a billionaire or a hundred w w whatever it's worth, but has a shitty relationship. Their children, in my con what I've learned is that, and I've seen through my friends, is that they've been in that warrior mode of I gotta do more to gain more, I'm not there yet, I gotta do more, more, more, more, more, more. And you think you're the pinnacle of the outcome, everything depends on you, and you don't give the world, the universe, the rest of the people in your team to shine, right? Then you limit your time and you limit your life. And then you try to buy your life, it buy your love and buy your children with money. Because that's all you could do. As opposed to valuing my time with my children, and the children want presents instead of throwing money at it, believing in the universe that if I let go and the universe is conspiring with me. For the greatest good of me and my children, then the f the flow is so great, in my opinion, that would allow you to have that bond with your children, have enough wealth to do whatever it is that you need to do with your children, and redefine what the definition of true wealth is. So what causes discomfort here is not the goal. Is not the goalpost moving and the expectation becoming higher and higher. What causes discomfort is losing the present moment in the pursuit of something that puts us in this whole hamster wheel of running, running, running to get to something without being present enough to enjoy today. Yes, but I do believe that in order to do that, you have to have a clear understanding of where you're coming from. What happened. And be cognizant of it. I'm not saying go fix it. Yeah. But be aware. Not even ignore it, you know, because a lot of people come from a point that really becomes what fuels them to do a lot of good in this world. Right? Yes. And that family lineage, whatever trauma has been passed down, I know that this it's not just trauma that's being passed through family lineage, wisdom get passed too. And there is a concept Sufism called Sicila. It's a concept of transmission. Nobody gets where they get by themselves. Everything is transmitted to you through teacher to student, parent to child, and we generationally stand on on our parents' shoulders and they stand on their parents' shoulders. And we're very good at identifying what's been passed that is a trauma. We're not so good at putting out the lens that shows us the wisdom that's been passed. That's right. Right. That's right. But when we look at all this package all together, the package really brings a lot of people to a lot of greatness. But some most of the times it happens unconsciously as opposed to going back and identifying that this is what this is the underlying feeling under me wanting to be at a certain point that I'm not today. I'm not gonna wrong it. I'm not gonna fix it. I'm just gonna understand this is what my grandparents passed to my parents and what they passed to me. And for me, in order to have more fulfillment in my life, nothing is more fulfilling than having joy in the present moment. We were working with Eva, your coach, last weekend, and she asked me, How do you want to feel when you go to bed at night? And I said, I want to feel that I got enough time with my children, quality time. I want to feel that I had connection with my husband during the day. And I want to feel that I did something that feeds my fuel of feeling that I'm going towards what I want to go. And if I can f close my eyes and feel all that in my heart, I feel fulfilled at the end of the day. And honestly, that comes from even when I am spending time with my children, if I feel constantly that I'm not where I want to be, then that's spending time because it's it's void. there's no there's not much joy in it. You know? If I am spending quality time with my husband and I'm constantly feeling that I'm not with my kids, my God, I'm missing out on my kids. Or if I'm doing work and I'm feeling like I'm missing out on my family. It's just it creates this domino effect that at the end of the night, I'm just depleted. I'm exhausted. And it all starts with I'm not there. I'm not I haven't done what enough. I'm not where I want to be in my relationships, in my work, in like all that together. So the alternative way is actually looking at the accomplishments and saying that look what I've done, look what I've accomplished, I am good enough. I played a inner child role that I will bring the little page and to today and say, look, you were the one that you thought you're not good enough. You were the one that was never perfect. But look at the life that you've created now and keep connecting who you are now, what you've accomplished now, and what you have now. And once you're can connect with that, then the idea of I'm not there yet kind of starts. becoming the lines become fuzzy. I want to accomplish so much more, but I'm just so happy of what I have, what we have. There's so much light in so many things that everybody does and everybody's done. It's just we don't look at that. We look at how and why we're not so perfect. It's just the lens, right? And they s and everybody says, if you're grateful, your life will unfold. thousand times differently towards what you want to be. And being grateful is the key to getting to what you want to get, right? But it's just a very easy lecture to say, because I can close my eyes and be very grateful and think about all the things that I'm grateful about. And five minutes later, it's all gone. For me, I have to train my mind constantly. I have to remind myself, as soon as the feeling comes that I'm not there yet, I have to go back and say, Look at how much we how far we've come. I'm so grateful for all this that has happened and really feel that feeling of gratefulness rather than, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Right. That's one of the other ways that we talked about going from expansion to going from contraction to expansion. Being truly grateful can put us in expansive mode, which can get us where we want to get way faster, easier. So the key is not to not want to get somewhere that we're not. The key is to keep an eye on the target while feeling joy and gratitude in the present moment. I highly recommend priming by Tony Robbins every morning for thirty days, just fifteen minutes long. And that would really brings gratitude and all this other stuff together. But yeah, that's all I have to say. So if you are at a point of your life that you feel like you're not there yet and there is a goal, the goal post will change. Target always moves, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's not about wanting more, it's about how we feel at the moment, a feeling of joy, gratitude, and stillness and being present. So we can at least enjoy the process of building something rather than waiting until we get there to be happy. The destination is not the point. The the drive there is the point. Ciao. See ya.