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How to Handle Criticism as a Youth Pastor...and Move On! · Ministry Coach: Youth Ministry Tips & Resources

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: It's a part of the job.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: We all are going to face criticism at some point.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: But instead of moving to defensiveness, move to openness.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Try to understand.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Even if it's not 100% your fault, own 100% of the 1% that is.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: It's that discipline of not being defensive but rather being open, like okay, is there a blind spot here?
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Is there a mindset that you're missing?
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Just because you think this way doesn't mean that everybody else does and is there a part of that you can?
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: own it.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: How can we handle criticism well in youth ministry?
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: That's what we're talking about today on the Ministry Coach podcast.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ministry Coach podcast where we bring you weekly tips and tactics to help you fast track the growth and health of your youth ministry.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: My name is Jeff Lascola and this is Kristen Lascola robot.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Today we're talking about a topic that it's sensitive for us youth pastors and we're going to talk about how do we handle criticism in ministry.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: I hope that you haven't had a lot of criticism, but it's inevitable that it will come.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: You could get criticized for your message.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: You could get criticized for the way you run things.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: You could get criticized.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Aren't worship leaders get criticized for what they wear?
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: Not agreeing with that, but I could see how people would have a problem with that.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: People have a problem with how hot it is or cold it is, how loud it is, like everything, oh yes how loud it is.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: You can get criticized for anything, depending on the mindset that you're in and the way that you think about it.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: It can really take you out emotionally and relationally, or today we're going to talk about some different ways we can think about criticism.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Respond to criticism, deal with criticism that doesn't drown us, take us out, just give us that fatal blow and we're like I can't do this anymore.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I can't do ministry.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Nobody likes me, everything I do is wrong and then we spiral.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: We start to throw ourselves as a pity party.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Everything I do is the worst and nobody will.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I can't take credit for the genius that we're going to talk about today.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I learned this from a genius who is Chris Brown.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: He's our senior pastor and our student ministry pastor at North Coast Church and he talks a lot about this of like criticism is going to come and he says let me remind you that Jesus was criticized, his ministry was criticized, he himself, his actions.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I mean when you watch, like the chosen, and watch the Bible come to life and the way that the Pharisees, especially, were criticizing every little move he made and every like miracle and every sermon and every finding, picking things apart, finding something wrong.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: And you did this.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: And this is Jesus.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: We're talking about, who we know.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Like a lot of times we can say, well, I didn't do anything wrong.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Well, jesus definitely didn't do anything wrong, because we know he is completely without sin, so anything he did was the right thing.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: And so that just shows us, like, if people are like just bent on criticizing you, no matter what you do, if you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing, you can get criticized.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: So I kind of like that, like anchoring, knowing, okay, jesus got criticized.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: It doesn't always mean I'm horrible, I'm the worst, I'm incompetent, whatever.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So think about it.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Also like this Chris gives us this really good illustration of he's like could you play football and say I want to play tackle football, I want to play professional football, I don't ever want to get hit, though, like don't hit me, and I just want to run with the ball and I just want to score the touchdowns, I don't want to get hit.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: You know that would be me.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I would say, yeah, I'll play football as long as you don't tackle me.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: But he's saying, like that is how ministry is.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: You can't say I'm going to step into ministry, but I'm off limits.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You can't criticize any decisions I make and you can't.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: You know, and we all have seen those leaders that just cannot digest any level of criticism and it goes very badly for everybody if they have received criticism.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: You know when it's a lack of maturity and a lack of experience and a lack of wisdom, and so all of us can get into that mindset.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: So how can we kind of move toward a healthy mindset when it comes to criticism?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: So because in some cases it's actually, you know, I would say beneficial, because no one would be above criticism, because to be about criticism means you've never done anything wrong and, like you were saying, jesus, who did nothing wrong, was still criticized.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because opinions are sort of amoral.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just like well, I don't like it.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: But in it might actually be something that shouldn't be liked, or maybe you aren't doing something correctly or as well as you could we're going to talk about that?
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so taking that criticism, it's like, okay, how do you handle it?
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: So go ahead.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: So the first question we need to ask ourselves is do I need to learn from the criticism or do I need to let it go one time?
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: And I still struggle in my head with this one.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: One Sunday morning there was a new student who came and his mom was dropping him off in our classroom.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Well, I had stepped out and I was by myself that morning, so there was no other adult in the room.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I had stepped out actually to go pick up our kids because you were dropping them off.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: So I went up to get them and while I was gone, the kids got ahold of the dodgeballs, which is fine, and they were throwing them all over the place in the room, which, again, okay, no biggie.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: But this new mom was dropping off her kid and she just walks into mayhem.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: Well, it wasn't like violent mayhem, it was just chaotic.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: There were dodgeballs flying everywhere.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Well, she got hit with one and so she was out.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Get in line.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: It bounced first.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: If someone catches this, you can come back in Moving on Two-shade.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: That was good.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: So she is very flustered, very frazzled, and she was not happy with me.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: When I came back to the room and she's like they are just out of control and they're throwing balls all over the place.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: I got hit with one and I said I hope you're okay.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: And she just stopped like I think she thought I was like joking, like oh, I hope you're okay.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I hope you're okay, she goes, I'm okay.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Like she was not, she was just like you should be in here.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: And how could you know?
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: blah, blah, and I was like-, but good for her for admitting that it hit her Cause.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: I mean, how many students are like it didn't even touch me, you're?
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: missing the point, jeff.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: You're like talking to a bunch of junior hires right now, jeez.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: So I kind of felt like she was criticizing me.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, there was no adult in the room.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I had to step out for a second and even if I hadn't been in the room, I don't know that I would have told them to stop.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Like you're allowed to throw dodgeballs, I don't really care, have fun before we start church.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Now, if they're breaking stuff or bullying someone or you know, so I, you know she had some words like it was out of control and I can't believe, and blah, blah, blah.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: So I took that as criticism of like, oh, like sleeping on the job or you're so irresponsible, and so that question in your mind, like do I need to learn from that or do I need to let it go, just like?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I guess she's just not used to junior hires or whatever.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: They never came back, which is kind of a bummer, you know.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Hopefully they found another calmer church or something.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: But her son seemed to have a good time because he did stay for service and he was really sweet and we had a good time with him and all that.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: But yeah, they never came back.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: So it was a bummer.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: So is that like?
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: You know that struggle of like okay, learn from that.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: What should I have done differently in that situation?
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Should I have said I'm sorry?
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: So here's what Chris would say.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: He says even if it's not a hundred percent your fault, own 100% of the 1%.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: That is.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: So what I probably should have said is oh my gosh, I am so sorry I had to go pick up my kids.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, you got a little crazy in here.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Where are you guys from?
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: And maybe like moved to a relationship instead of just like well, hope you're okay, bye, but that like owned the 100%.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, yes, they got so chaotic.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: You know I should have, you know, had another adult step in while I went and got my kids from the parking lot.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: You know, oh, and maybe it needed a little more explanation so you can say the words I'm sorry, even like I think that's a hard phrase sometimes when you're like well, I didn't do anything wrong.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: But what Chris would say is you can say I'm sorry that we had a misunderstanding, or I'm sorry that I let you down, or I'm sorry that you're frustrated, or I'm sorry that this happened.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: You know, there can be an apology even if you weren't the one, well, I didn't hit you with the ball.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Like I'm not sorry for hitting you with a dodgeball, but like I'm sorry that happened.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: You know that's a bummer.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Like are you okay?
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Or something like that, so owning 100% of the 1% and asking yourself can I learn from this or let it go?
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: And so with that, it's that discipline of not being defensive but rather being open.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, is there a blind spot here?
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I don't have a problem with dodgeballs flying around the room.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: This is junior high.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I encourage it, let's have fun.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: But what is this like impression to a visitor who's kind of like what the heck is anyone in charge here?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Is this just one?
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: big zoo free for all, and like nobody's watching these kids, because that's probably the impression it gave, and so, instead of being defensive, like well, this is junior high and you're boring.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: I think one of the kids called her a Karen after she left.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Oh, I thought you meant to her, but her son was in the room.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: Watch out, karen, you're gonna get hit.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: But her son was in the room, and so one kid goes who's the Karen?
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Why.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: And I'm like guys and then the kid goes hey, that's my mom, so I know that.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: He told her like after service.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I'm sure you know.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: Hey Karen, somehow they knew your name.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: So it's hard, like, just, is it time to be open instead of defensive?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, I don't have a problem with this, but maybe Karen does, and I need to be sensitive to that and open to well, this could have gone differently.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I think my knee jerk reaction was like Karen, oh well, goodbye, you're fine, you know.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: But it's like no, no, no, no.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Like Holy Spirit activate, and let's think this through a more open mindset of, well, this is an adult who is dropping her child off at church for the first time and doesn't understand the energy in here and wants to make sure her kid is safe and that there's an adult in control.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: And I don't know if you guys have ever had this experience, but like, sometimes parents will come to youth group and they're like, oh my gosh, I don't know how you do this.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: This is so wild, so chaotic.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, let me arrest, like you should arrest a sherd.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, it is high energy, but we're 100% in control the entire time and this is all a part of the plan and this is a strategy.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know how you do it.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Like they're so wild.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like it looks wilder than it actually is because we're leading the wild and we will turn it on and turn it off, and so I think some people like you just have to be sensitive to that parent who maybe, like legitimately, doesn't really get youth ministry.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Maybe they didn't grow up in a church with youth ministry, like yours, which is probably pretty likely.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: So try to be open when criticism comes.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Is there a mindset that you're missing?
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Just because you think this way, it doesn't mean that everybody else does and is there a part of that?
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: you can own it.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: So another question to ask yourself is am I receiving criticism because I'm an idiot or because that's part of the job?
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So that's another like real self reflection kind of thing, like did I do an idiot move?
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Or is it like, oh well, you don't like my shirt because?
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: I root for a team you don't like.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or who knows, it could be something so minute.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: And I had the weirdest email of my life once and I don't know if I've ever shared this on the air, on the air.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Why do we always say that Little orphan Annie?
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So this was Kristen on the air Reporting live Brought to you by Tide.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: That just ended.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Thank you, tide.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I wish this episode was brought to you by Tide.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I have a feeling they're doing very well.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Just a hunch.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: So what I was going to say is the name of my youth ministry is called Chaos.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Don't overthink it.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: It was already named when I took the job.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I did not name it that and I was like wanting to be the leader who didn't change things right away.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: So I'm like I'll keep the name and I just never changed it yeah.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: I.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: It just to me is a household name.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Now I don't really even think about it, Right?
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Well, years and years and years ago, I got the weirdest email from someone I don't even know.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: I think I remember this.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: And he I don't even think he went to our church.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I have no clue how he even knew about our youth ministry.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: We were very small back then.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, how would you even know?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: And he said hi, pastor Kristen, I just wanted to let you know that my Bible study and I have been praying for you to reconsider the name of your youth ministry.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: We believe that the only that we don't serve a God of chaos, and the only one who is chaotic is our enemy, beelzebub or something.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: I was like what are we?
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: And he's like we really are praying that you would reconsider.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Blah, blah, blah.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like okay, I didn't even know how to respond.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I just said, hey, don't think too much about it, don't read too much into it.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: It's just kind of reflective of where a junior hires that in life.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: That's kind of that.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: And he was like, okay, thanks.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Like I was like all right, that was easy.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: So it was just bizarre, and so that was a criticism.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Like why are you naming your ministry chaos?
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Like I would have never put chaos with Satan or something.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm like okay, like I mean, maybe if I, if it's a big stretch, but I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that, and so he's like, oh, I'm praying for you.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, thank you, I'll take the prayer for sure, but I don't think we need to dwell on this.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: And so that's kind of when it comes down to am I receiving criticism because I'm an idiot?
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Am I an idiot because I knowingly named this youth ministry chaos?
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: And you know, I know it could be taken two ways but, oh well, we're going to just like risk it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: you know it's like, okay, you're being an idiot.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: But if it's just like, well, you're in ministry and people feel like they can take any kind of shot at you and they have an opinion on your choices of this or that, you know, I think in that case it was sort of like it's because I'm in ministry, you just want to come at me and you know, holier than thou, kind of attitude.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: And so I don't think it's because I was being an idiot.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I have received criticism for being an idiot before and that's when you apologize profusely, so like that's when you apologize for a hundred percent of the hundred percent.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: That is your fault and you may or may not salvage it, like it may never go back to normal.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: So be very, very careful, because here's what Chris says you get one mistake, like really like if you think about it like so, he always says you don't get that exactly depending on what the mistake is.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: And so, like he always says, the guys of my Bible study are like they work in construction or their project managers for a building or something like that, and people in the secular world may or may not let a custword slip.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: You know, to get a job done, even a Christian might cuss or whatever he's like.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: If I cuss in my job, I'm done.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: He's like I don't get these freebies of just like.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Well, I was trying to motivate them.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: So I said this.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: You know it's like nope, like everything we do is on display.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: So keep that in mind, not only with your actions, but then the cleanup of how you handle the criticism when it comes to our character and the way we treat people, our morality, our private life, our public life, all of it Like we really don't get that many chances.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, we're under a microscope.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: So the way that we handle these things is very important.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: So so we talked about Do I need to learn from it or let it go?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Don't get defensive but be open.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Am I receiving this criticism because I'm an idiot or because I'm in ministry and it's my calling and we talked about always respond within apology.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't make that clear.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, we had a misunderstanding and that kind of thing.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: So let's turn it to them for a second.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: So that was like how I handle it.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: So now let's look at the other person.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: So, especially over COVID, I think we learned that we could be criticized for anything.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Wear a mask, criticize, don't wear a mask.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Criticize.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Get a vaccine, criticize, don't get a vaccine.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Criticize Everything open, criticize, closed, criticize Like okay, well, I guess there's just no winning.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: But what we really need to know is that the core of all this.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: It's when we get criticized or we feel unfairly judged or treated.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: It's usually coming from hurting people Like I think it could and hurting could be a broad term for angry, scared, wounded, all those things.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: That's sort of what comes out when people get hyper critical Is like there's some kind of wound or some kind of fear or some kind of like immaturity or missing link somewhere, and then it's coming out as unnecessary criticism, immature criticism, and so when you look at that other person, sometimes it helps to say like you're in pain.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, if you get into it with an angry parent, eventually they'll break and they'll start crying and they're like I had a conversation with a parent once and she was coming at me and then she just stopped and she started crying and she said I'm so sorry she goes.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: This is so hard, like my son is turning into a teenager and I don't know how to do this.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: I'm just real and it came from.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: She's terrified, like that she's losing him and like things aren't going well and so she wants to blame, blame, blame everyone.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: It's everyone's fault, and then she's like finally broke.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: So just know, sometimes when that parent is angry or that leader is angry.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: It's really not always you suck, you did this wrong.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm afraid, I'm anxious, I'm mad, I'm hurt, and so just sometimes, the more we can talk to them, we can unearth that and actually solve the real problem.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: So, being a good listener, for that and then really consider the source.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: There are some people who never complain and then they kind of just roll with the punches or they just might ask a good question once in a while and they don't understand something.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: If that person criticizes and complains and has an issue, take note, like whoa, like you never say a word and this bothered you enough to say something.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: But then there's the other person who it's like nothing's ever good enough.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: Let me guess you almost have to do the other way.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: And if they ever compliment something, be like well, then that was really done well.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: There you go.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: That's a good way to look at it.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Your compliments mean so much.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: There's so few and far between.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but we all know that person who has a problem with everything, and so also, when you receive that criticism, consider your history with them, consider the source.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Isn't that the whole way?
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: You don't count opinions.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, like that's actually next time.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I know it's this whole concept of you weigh opinions.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: You don't count opinions, so that means that you're always considering well, who said it?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: There's certain people and it's just the way it is carry a little bit more weight when they talk.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: When other people have criticism or some beef with something or don't like, it's just like.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Well, of course you don't, because you don't like anything.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: It becomes a white noise.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it does, and it's just like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: But once in a while someone I really highly respect or that is always like rallies and gets on board and is serving and giving and very involved, and then if they push back on something like they have whoa, like this, let me get my pen.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna never forget this I do this with.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: So I have a leader named Heidi and she is one I respect her like deeply, and every year after our summer camp, I just sit with her in the car and I open my laptop and I'm like go Heidi, tell me everything.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: And she's like okay, here's what worked.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Really well, this is what I liked.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: This is where this could have gone better.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: So when you planned this meal, you know why we ran out of food is because the kids wanna eat this and not that, and you should have ordered more of this.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like uh-huh, keep going, keep going, because I don't really see it as criticism from her.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: I see it as like-.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: Healthy feedback.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we're better because of it, because of who she is, because she's not always nagging like Kristen.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I don't like this, kristen.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: You're doing this around, kristen, you know, or it's just like she only speaks when it's important.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: And it's like this can make us better, not just well.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: This was my weird preference, you know, and so she really has my ear, and so pay attention to who is that person.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Are you able to really do?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: You know who's opinioned away and who's just?
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: You could count it as like, okay, you had an opinion, but it didn't carry much weight to it.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because some of those people that are just, you know, the squeaky wheel type, when they start saying stuff like that, maybe it is a valid point, but you kind of just say there's another one you know, big deal.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Like you complain about this, you complain about everything, so it's the whole.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: If you highlight everything, you highlight nothing.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: If everything sucks, then you know, whatever I don't know, I can't gain anything from it, you know.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and sort of along those lines too.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Is that whole biblical concept of not like throwing your pearls before swine, like if somebody is just committed to nothing, you do like you can't win them over.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: They don't want to hear it, they are talking in circles and they're just so angry and it's not even about you making it right anymore.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: Even if you were to profusely apologize, none of this would go away because they're so mad, just if they want to crucify you.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Chris says don't give them nails to do it, just like.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: All right, well, I'm gonna like If you're not open, then this conversation should be done.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: And sometimes people just are really angry in the moment and you could say something like hey, I don't know.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Like I told a mom once she came into youth group very angry about something, and I'm like you know what, I'm happy to talk with you.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: This isn't the place that I think we should do it.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: You can give me a call and we can schedule a meeting this week, but this is not the right time, you know, and because she came in with like I felt like it was one of those cartoons with the steam coming out of their ears and their heads turning around.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: It's like the like.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: That was a bad tea kettle noise Like steam whistle.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what it is.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, I was like, hey, let's talk, just not now, because I couldn't win her over in that moment.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: That was like a pearls before swine moment.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: So, knowing, is it just the pearls before swine moment and once this person comes down we can have a real conversation?
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Or is this person just committed to disagreement and not peace?
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: And so you know, knowing the difference of when it's just time to like, hey, I've apologized, I've tried, I've done it and this is just.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: We need to end all communication.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: And that comes up, but very rarely.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: You know that you just can't reconcile with someone you know, and it usually is like very few and far between, so like of saying like hey, we're kind of just done talking about this.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: That's a very, very rare instance.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: So, as we close, here's one final thought what you say, what you mean and what they hear are three very different things.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: So I think that's why, if you're ever going to have a difficult conversation that centers around what we're talking about someone's criticizing always do it in person, because so much gets lost through email, through texts and all of that.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: you read a tone and inflection that may or may not be there.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, we've done that sometimes, like where you will get like a text or I'll get a text from somebody.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: You can read it in two completely different tones, oh yeah, but when?
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: you read your part, you're like hey, so what is this?
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: And they were like well, if you knew, then why don't you?
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh cool, well, thanks for letting me know.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: And they were all like yeah, can you like yeah.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: So I think we just need to not do it like over, and I've noticed people really gather themselves when we do it in person.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: It's a lot better for everybody.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: You're more, yeah, you're more behaved Human you're more human right.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: So remember that what you say, what you mean to say and what they hear and I think if we could clear up as much of that as possible, do it in person, so that what you mean to say and what you say is what they hear, you know, and that they're able to ask questions and clarity in real time.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: That's good, because you said, when you're in person sometimes you might say something that, as you're saying it, you might be like that kind of came out wrong.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you see the body language.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: That's what I mean.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: That's not what I meant.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: But if you were to text, it or leave that as a voicemail, like you wouldn't see the reaction or you wouldn't, you know, then you wouldn't be able to say like, oh, wait, wait, wait, that's sorry, that didn't come out right, you know.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Yes, exactly.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: So always handle it face to face if possible.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: If not possible over the phone.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I know we all hate talking on the phone, but over the phone, I think, is definitely the next best.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: And yeah, just know.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Hey, it's a part of the job.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: We all are going to face criticism at some point.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: But instead of moving to defensiveness, move to openness, try to understand, and everything we talk about on this podcast is with the goal of keeping us in for the long haul.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: We don't want to be the kind of people that criticism takes us out or we can't handle it, or it makes us because here's what people like.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: Have you ever noticed the voice of the people can determine your inner voice.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: So if they're saying things like, oh, I didn't like this, or why did you do that, or this was so boring, or your events are terrible, or whatever, that can turn into depression.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: But then if they're saying good things like, oh, that was so great, you're so good at your job, that can turn into pride, right?
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: So it's like we're either swinging to pride or depression based on what people are saying about us, which is such a vulnerable place to be, is like I'm always.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: My inner voice is always at the like at the power of your words and your criticism or your praise like give me praise and I have pride.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, give me criticism and I'm depressed.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Pride, depressed pride, depressed pride, depressed right, and both are really unhealthy.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: So saying, centered on our purpose of knowing what we're doing, why we're doing it, and holding that with an open hand of God, what do you want to do with this ministry?
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I'm just carrying it out.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Instead of seeing us and the ministry as one, it's, we are carrying out the ministry of God right, so hopefully that helps get us set for a year full of criticism.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just kidding.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Well, and you're saying the swinging of the pride to the Depression Is depression.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: Was that weird?
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's a lot easier.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: Not the thing you should.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: You're not gonna get prideful, don't even worry about it, that could come to you, but I think it.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: That's that.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: That.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it's called specifically, but like the math where a hundred compliments plus one negative compliment or, sorry, one negative comment equals one negative comment.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: Like you know there's so many, you get so many positives, but you always hold on to the negatives.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: It's very easy to get brought down by those things.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: But yeah, the only other thing I'd like to say about this is I think it is really important to broach every conversation that you know is gonna be difficult, just leading with the foot of humility and mending a relationship.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah and it's contrary to the flesh and you like, I'm like, you'll have all your ammo.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: This is all the things that I want to say, and I'm gonna throw these things at you because da, da, da, da, da, da.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: But if you lead with humility and mending a relationship I would be, I would say, 99.9% of the time you will end up in a good position afterwards and not say the things that you're like okay, maybe I'm happy, I said, or I felt like I should say this and I did it.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: Usually you'll regret it later and that I feel like every single time I put that in the back seat and put my pride in the back seat and say I'm gonna.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna aim for humility and mending a relationship.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: I'm happy at the outcome and sometimes I even think, oh my gosh, if I would have said what I wanted to say we'd be totally different position, you know, and that relationship might be ruined, but that's where the flesh wants to go, like no, get your shots in.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and they always say it's more important to emphasize a relationship over being right like at the end of the conversation, you hope that you still have a relationship even if you didn't get to get all your zingers in there, you know what's more important?
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: I think probably the relationship, you know so yeah, because, like usually getting the zingers in, that's all just pride.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: So anyways.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah all right.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: Well, let's do a question of the day.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: This is, and I want you guys all to participate too.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: If you're watching on YouTube, make sure you comment in this comment section below, but finish this sentence.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: What is something I use way too much or I use too many of, like I use too?
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Much yeah sounds like a personal problem.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: I didn't know I did until somebody watched me put on Deodorant and she was like oh my gosh.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: Happen stick later like how many swipes?
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: Because she was like I don't know this, you know it doesn't really work.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: And she went and I was like oh no, I'm like it does Six, seven, eight, one, two.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: And she's like oh my gosh, like how much do you put on?
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: I was like enough to make it through the day.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: I probably do that too, yeah, but I think that's a good problem.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: I would say, for me it's paper towels.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: No matter what it is cleaning or like drying my hands, I just use a ton of paper towels.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: I know I probably shouldn't because it's expensive after a while, but I don't know, I just like it.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Not very green Jeff probably not, but that's, that's mine, so what's yours?
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: Put it in the comment section below.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: We love to hear it.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: So we have a community comment of the day, and this comes from Jera Smith to six, to one who says I love your videos so much I started watching them three weeks ago.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Me and my husband have been making changes based on different videos and it has Transformed our youth group.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: It is more structured now but tons more fun.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, I love the feedback of it's structured and fun.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because it can coexist.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and isn't that the goal, like structured fun?
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Kurt Johnston wrote that book a long time ago about junior high ministry, called controlled chaos.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: You know I'm really praying for Kurt Johnston to reconsider naming his book something different, are you Jeff?
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: I am now gonna reach out to my men's group.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: It's like, man, you guys really ran out of things to talk about.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: This is the problem.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: De jure is the name of my youth group.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: There's only 11 kids who come.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: That's funny.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: Hey, thanks, jero, we appreciate your comment and thank you guys for watching and listening and we'll see you next time.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Today we're talking all about tips to help you handle criticism in youth ministry.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, today we're talking about tips to help you.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, today we're talking all about how we can navigate criticism.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Do you get criticized?
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: Stick around.