Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 60. Breaking the cycle: Three important steps to protective parenting

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60. Breaking the cycle: Three important steps to protective parenting · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone.
• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This is your host, danielle Black.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Today, I'm going to share something that I've never talked about publicly before my proprietary framework that has helped hundreds of parents transform from conflict avoidant to genuinely protective.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I call it the three steps to protective parenting, and it's the reason my clients consistently get results that other parents struggle to achieve.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Here's what I mean by results.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: My clients don't just learn what their kids need.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: They actually advocate for it effectively.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: They don't just understand that boundaries are important.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: They set healthy boundaries and maintain them, even when it's uncomfortable.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: They don't just survive their post-separation journey.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: They emerge as stronger, more confident versions of themselves.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: One client recently told me I still feel like me, just a better, stronger version of me, and that's exactly what my framework is designed to create.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: If you've been struggling to move from knowing what's right for your kids to actually making it happen, this episode is going to change everything for you.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: By the end, you'll understand why most parents stay stuck in the conflict avoidant patterns and, more importantly, you'll have a much clearer roadmap for becoming the protective parent that your children need.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of parents in my many years of coaching.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Information alone does not create transformation.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: So many professionals in this space think the problem is that parents don't know what to do, so they give them things like communication scripts, legal advice or generic parenting strategies.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: But that's not actually the biggest problem.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: The real problem is capacity.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Let me explain what I mean by that.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: I can teach you that your three-year-old needs a primary, secure base and shouldn't be spending overnight time with the non-primary parent.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I can give you the research, the evidence, the perfect words to use whether you're speaking with your co-parent, the perfect words to use whether you're speaking with your co-parent, your lawyer, speaking with a court child expert or family consultant, and even preparation for being cross-examined during a final trial.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: But if you don't have the internal capacity to handle the discomfort of challenging that lawyer, to articulate yourself clearly in a child-focused way with a court child expert or family consultant, or to sit with your ex-partner's anger when you're advocating for different arrangements to tolerate the anxiety of the court process, then none of that information matters.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: You'll end up accepting arrangements that you know aren't right for your kids because you don't have the emotional resilience to do anything else.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: This is why so many parents stay stuck in conflict avoidant patterns.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: They know what their kids need, but they don't have the capacity to advocate for it.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing that really frustrates me.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Many professionals blame the parents for this.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: They say that the parents are being difficult or not following through, when actually they just haven't been given the tools to build the internal capacity that they need.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: And this is where my approach is completely different.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Over the years of working with clients who get real, lasting results, I've identified that transformation happens in three specific steps.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Step one is know, as in knowledge, as in knowing exactly what your children need at each age and developmental stage.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: And this isn't just generic parenting advice.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: This is understanding what your specific children need, based on their ages, temperaments, circumstances, developmental stages.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Also the circumstances of your situation.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Has there been family violence?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: Is there ongoing post-separation abuse?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Does your former partner have a problematic relationship with drugs or alcohol?
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Are there unaddressed mental health concerns?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: The list goes on.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: You need to know what secure attachment looks like for a two-year-old versus a 12-year-old.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: You need to understand how trauma affects different ages differently.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: You need evidence-based knowledge that you can use to advocate effectively.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: But knowledge alone is not enough, which brings us to the next step.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: So the first one is know.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: The second step is grow, building your protective capacity, and this is the step that most everyone else misses, yet it's the most crucial one as far as I'm concerned.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: You need to develop the internal emotional and nervous system capacity to handle the discomfort that comes with being protective.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: This means learning to regulate your emotions when your ex tries to manipulate you.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: It means building the resilience to handle your own lawyer's pushback when you challenge their advice.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: It means developing the nervous system strength to sit in discomfort without immediately moving to avoid conflict, which is often the default.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: It's often what our nervous systems really want us to do, and most parents skip this step and wonder why they can't follow through on what they know is best for their kids.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Step number three is go, advocating effectively for children's genuine needs.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: We've got know, we've got grow and now we've got go.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Once you know what your kids need and you're actively building the capacity to handle discomfort, then you can advocate effectively.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: You can have difficult conversations, set firm boundaries, challenge inappropriate professional advice and stand firm in your decisions, even when others resist.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: This is where the magic happens, when knowledge and capacity equals real protection for your kids.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Now I need to be clear.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: These three steps are really simple to say, but that does not mean that they feel easy to do.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Simple does not mean easy.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Growth can be really fucking uncomfortable, but it's also very, very worth it.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And here's the key insight that a lot of people miss we don't grow our capacity by avoiding the things that make us feel uncomfortable capacity by avoiding the things that make us feel uncomfortable.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: We grow our capacity by gradually, intentionally exposing ourselves to manageable amounts of discomfort.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: You can't get more comfortable with setting boundaries unless you actually set boundaries and feel the discomfort that comes with that.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: You can't build capacity for communicating with your ex if you avoid communicating with your ex.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: You can't grow your confidence if you don't practice doing the things that feel scary.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: We can't grow if we don't do the things.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Just like with physical fitness, you can't get physically stronger if you don't do the physical work.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: You can't build muscle by avoiding the gym and hoping it will just happen.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Naturally, building emotional and nervous system capacity works the same way.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: You need to gradually, safely challenge your current limits, and this is where my approach is different from most other coaches in this space.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I don't just give advice and guidance on what to do.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I help you build the capacity to actually do it.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: So let's dive deeper into step two, because this is where the real transformation happens.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Building protective capacity means developing several key areas.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Number one emotion regulation.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: This is the ability to stay calm and strategic even when others are reactive or trying to manipulate you.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Number two is nervous system resilience Building your tolerance for stress and discomfort so that difficult situations don't completely overwhelm you.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Number three distress tolerance Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions and sensations without immediately trying to escape or avoid them.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Number four cognitive flexibility Developing the ability to think clearly even when you're stressed or feeling emotionally triggered.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: And five somatic awareness understanding what's happening in your body when you're stressed and having tools to regulate your nervous system.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: And here's how all of this works in practice.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: When you get a manipulative text from your ex, instead of immediately responding or avoiding the message entirely, you practice pausing.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: You notice what's happening in your body, you breathe, you ground yourself, you let yourself feel the discomfort without acting on it immediately.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: When your lawyer pushes back on your requests for child-focused parenting arrangements, instead of immediately backing down to avoid conflict, you practice sitting with that uncomfortable tension.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: You remind yourself that your children's needs matter more than your lawyer's convenience, because, as I'm often telling my clients, your lawyer is not going to be laying awake at night worrying about your kids, but you will be.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: When you're preparing for a difficult conversation about changing arrangements, instead of avoiding it or going in reactive, you practice building your nervous system capacity first.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: This isn't about becoming a robot or expecting to be able to completely suppress emotions or feeling triggered, but it is about building the internal strength to stay present and strategic even when things feel really difficult.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: But here's something that I really want you to understand Building capacity is really hard to do in isolation because, for the vast majority of us, the brain that has got us where we are right now is not the brain that can get us out of the situation without help.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Our nervous systems are designed to co-regulate with other people.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: When we're stressed or triggered, we naturally look for calm, regulated people to help us return to balance, and this is one of the reasons why my clients get such amazing and consistent results.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: They're not trying to build capacity in a vacuum.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: They have support, they have guidance and co-regulation throughout the process.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Think about it If you're trying to build physical fitness, you could do it alone, but most people find that they get better results with a trainer, a gym buddy or some kind of supportive community.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: The same principle applies to building emotional and nervous system capacity that is specifically aligned with post-separation.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: When you're working with someone who can help you to stay regulated whilst you're uncomfortable, you get to stretch your capacity much more effectively and safely.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And again, when we're talking about this in the post-separation space, working with someone who's lived it, who's been there, done that, who understands what it is that you're feeling and going through, that makes such a huge difference.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: This is just one of the reasons why just reading self-help books or listening to podcasts aren't often enough for real transformation.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: You do need support and co-regulation while you're doing the actual capacity building work.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Now, this brings me to something that I want to offer you right now.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Between now and the launch of the Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint later this month at the time of recording this, we are in September 2025, I'm inviting you to join me in what I'm calling the Capacity Challenge.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: This is a practical way to start building your protective capacity using the principles that I've just shared.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Here's how it works.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: The challenge you set, a challenge that's relevant to you.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: It could be around messaging from your former partner, for example, when you receive a message from them or really this could just be a message from anyone who triggers you emotionally.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Practice this capacity building exercise.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: First pause before responding.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Don't immediately react or immediately avoid.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Just pause.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Notice what's happening in your body.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: Where do you feel the discomfort?
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Is there tension in your chest, knots in your stomach?
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Are you feeling a tightness in your neck or your shoulders?
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Just tune in and notice, without trying to change it.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Then notice what thoughts your brain is offering you.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Are you catastrophizing?
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Are you already planning some kind of defensive response, rehearsing arguments?
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Just observe the thoughts without getting caught up in them, like clouds drifting through the sky.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Just observe, let them go.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Next, label what you're feeling.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: For example, you might say to yourself I notice that I've got anger in my chest, or I'm noticing anxiety in my stomach, or I notice that I have an urge to defend myself.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: The simple act of labeling helps to lower amygdala activity in your brain and increase prefrontal regulation.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Let yourself feel the emotion for a moment.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Don't try to escape from it immediately.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Just sit with it briefly.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Then step back into safety.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: This might mean taking some deep breaths, journaling, going for a walk or talking with a supportive person.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: Start small and build up gradually.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Try and wait a few hours before responding, then maybe a full day Again.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: What this looks like is going to depend on the particular challenge that you've chosen.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: The goal isn't to not respond at all to your emotions or completely suppress your emotions.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: The goal is to gradually expand your capacity to sit with discomfort without being controlled by it.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: What you're doing with this challenge is literally changing your brain and your nervous system.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: What you're doing with this challenge is literally changing your brain and your nervous system when you practice pausing instead of immediately reacting.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: The way that I often talk about this with clients is that we pause so that we can calmly respond instead of reacting from an emotional place.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: When you're doing those things, you're strengthening the neural pathways between your prefrontal cortex so that's the part of your brain responsible for strategic thinking and your limbic system, the part that's responsible for the emotional reactions.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: When you practice sitting with discomfort instead of immediately escaping it, you're expanding what psychologists call your window of tolerance, your capacity to stay present and functional even when you're feeling stressed.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: When you practice grounding techniques, you're training your nervous system to return to regulation more quickly after being activated, and this isn't just, you know, feel-good psychobabble, this is neuroscience.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: You're literally rewiring your brain to be more resilient and more capable of handling difficult situations and, just like physical exercise, the more you practice, the stronger you get.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Now, as you take on this challenge, here are some additional tools to support your capacity building and there will be a downloadable PDF, so don't feel like you've got to be noting all of this down.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I've got you.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Number one grounding techniques.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: When you notice emotional activation, try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, which is briefly noticing five things that you can see, four things you can hear, three things that you can feel or touch, two things that you can smell and one thing that you can taste.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: This helps orient your nervous system to the present moment and current physical safety.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Self-compassion when you notice discomfort, offer yourself kindness.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Say to yourself this is hard and it's okay that I feel this way, believe it or not, self-criticism actually makes it much harder to build capacity.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Something else in your capacity building toolkit can be journaling.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Consider starting and ending your capacity building practice when you're journaling with the affirmation I am committed to growing my capacity.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: This really helps to anchor your intention and track your progress.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Another thing for your toolkit is to pair stress with recovery.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: So, after you've practiced sitting with discomfort, make sure to follow up with something nurturing A walk if you've got time, some breathing exercises, connection with a supportive person, maybe just taking five or ten minutes out of your day, if you can, for a cuppa Track your progress, notice moments where you stay present in situations that used to feel unbearable, and celebrate even what might seem like a tiny win.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: They're all wins, even if they seem small, and remember this is just like stretching exercises or gym workouts, except it's for your emotional resilience.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: The goal is to gently stretch your window of tolerance without completely overwhelming yourself.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: Now here's why this matters so much.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: Every time you build your capacity, you're not just helping yourself, you're also modeling something crucial for your kids.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Our children learn emotional regulation by watching how the adults around them handle stress and discomfort.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: When you develop the capacity to stay calm and strategic, even in difficult situations, you're teaching your kids that they can do the same.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: When you advocate for their needs or for your own needs, even when it's uncomfortable, you're showing them that their well-being matters and that difficult things can be faced rather than avoided.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: When you transform from conflict avoidant to protective, you're not just changing your own life.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: You're changing the trajectory of your children's lives and, potentially, further generations to come in your family.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: This is why I'm so passionate about this work.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: This is not just about report cases or getting better arrangements.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: It's about fundamentally changing how families navigate challenges and how children can learn to eventually advocate for themselves.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: My clients, the parents who are doing this work.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: They don't just become better advocates for their kids.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: They become the kind of people that their children can depend on to handle whatever life brings their way.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: If what I've shared today resonates with you, if you recognize that you need to build capacity as well as knowledge, then I've got a few things for you.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: First, I invite you to take on the Capacity Challenge, starting today.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: Practice these techniques.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: With the next triggering message that you receive, you can start building your protective capacity right now.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Second, there will be a PDF link for the capacity challenge in the show notes and also on my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: Secondly, I invite you to join the wait list for the post-separation parenting blueprint, again found at the website danielleblackcoachingcomau.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: The blueprint doesn't just give you the knowledge that you need for step one, however.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: That's also crucially important, but it does also provide comprehensive guidance for building your capacity for step two and the advocacy skills that you need for step three.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: This is the complete system for transformation from conflict avoidant to genuinely protective, from conflict avoidant to genuinely protective.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: The blueprint is launching later in September 2025, with exclusive member benefits for people who join the waitlist now.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: And if you're thinking that you'd like some one-on-one coaching support with someone who gets it, with someone who's been there, done that and has lived to tell the tale again, head to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau, and you can book a call with me or with specialist coach Trudy, who is working alongside me.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: All of these things help to provide a complete system for transformation.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: Your children need you to be more than just informed.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: They need you to be capable of acting on the information even when it's difficult, and the three steps to protective parenting will get you there, and I'm here if you need me.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: I look forward to speaking with you soon.