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HOW TO FIGHT IN A RELATIONSHIP!! · Relatables

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Coming up on Relatables, But right now, I think you've
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: got to shoot your shot and back yourself. Man. I
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: remember I was a young, seventeen eighteen year old kid.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I thought I was ugly, skinny, tall, like I didn't
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: have anything going for me. But I had a few things,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and I just didn't see him. Everyone has a few
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: things going for him, you just can't see him. When
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: you're that young, going through adolescence and puberty, you just
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: nitpicky of all the most little things when in reality,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I bet you got the fact that she's friends of you.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: You're making her laugh. Like, if you're making her laugh, man,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: that could be all you need.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: The Relatables podcast is hosted by myself, Jake Craig AKAA Daddy,
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: and my partner in crime Clarke aka Mmy. Keeping it
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: simple today, guys, I'm not in the mood.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Why aren't you in the mood?
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Jay? Because I'm strrassic as you should be.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Everybody. If you're tuning in for the first time in
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks, you're gonna have to go back
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: and listen to Monday's episode because we are to find
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: out the results of the Great Mustache.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Battle for you just quick backstory a little bit. Yeah,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: go okay, I've been growing to mustache. She has everyone
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: knows personality. I'm sure you've noticed. If you everyone noticed.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: And so I was, uh, we already got back from
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  Speaker 2: ballet first, and I was growing it like when when
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  Speaker 2: Oddie left is when I stopped shaving, and then when
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  Speaker 2: he got back, I had a little mustache right first
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: time back recording. He's like, oh no, no, it actually doesn't
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  Speaker 2: look like that bad, Like it looks all right, but
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  Speaker 2: it's just a bit uneven. I was like, yeah, I
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: need to learn how to trim it. On the phone
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: and my girlfriend that night and I was like, I
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: think she must have asked, what did Doddy think. I said, oh,
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  Speaker 2: he actually liked it, but he said, just need some
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: good trimming.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Uneven.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: She goes, oh, I can help. I'm a pro. I
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  Speaker 2: would also like to add on the phone when we
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: were in Melbourney, I was on the phone to her
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  Speaker 2: and she goes, I listened to the podcast and I
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  Speaker 2: have a gripe.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: What's a gripe? She says.
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  Speaker 2: I was like, I think there was some misinformation spread.
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  Speaker 2: Oh right, she seems to think that on the phone,
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  Speaker 2: she didn't say she was a pro.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: She said she's had experience.
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  Speaker 2: She said, And I was like, she she seems to
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  Speaker 2: think that she said that. All she said was I'll like,
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  Speaker 2: I'll do it for you. And I said to now,
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  Speaker 2: and I was like, I was like, I know myself
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  Speaker 2: pretty well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, she's gaslight again, I.
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  Speaker 2: Know myself pretty well. And like, initially I was kind
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  Speaker 2: of like, oh, sorry, like I didn't know I lied,
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  Speaker 2: Like I genuinely thought you said that.
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have just made that up.
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  Speaker 2: Like I was apologized. And then I think I kind
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: of was like, well, wait, wait, you know I remember
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  Speaker 2: this pretty well, Like I don't think I would have said,
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  Speaker 2: why would you shave it if you hadn't said I
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  Speaker 2: have experience or I'm a pro. And then she started laughing.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: She started laughing, and I was like, you know, I'm right,
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  Speaker 2: So I still stand by what I said.
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  Speaker 1: Could that be alluding to the fact that she's not
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: confident in your mustache? Oh shit, I don't know she's
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: playing games right now, but anyway, right now, anyways, right now, guys,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: she takes coffin. He's that nervous.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I think I have a bit of a pastroom.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I'm about to put the mustaches on the screen for
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: any visual watch watches, and if you're a listener, will
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: do our best to describe it. And we're also going
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: to put on the screen in our studio. So, Jake,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: are you ready? I am going to close my eyes.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Here we go. As you can see, the photos are.
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  Speaker 2: Up, I've still got my eyes closed. Open your eyes.
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  Speaker 1: Oh what do you think?
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  Speaker 2: I don't think. I'm not as upset as I thought
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  Speaker 2: I was going to be.
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  Speaker 1: Are you sure?
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  Speaker 2: I got to say, if Beth did that trim job
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  Speaker 2: on him, she does do a good job. Okay, close
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  Speaker 2: see mine up close. I could use a trip, I
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  Speaker 2: could use a shaper.
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  Speaker 1: How do you feel right now?
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  Speaker 2: Mm? I don't feel terrible. I actually don't feel all
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  Speaker 2: that terrible. Okay, I do have butthole lips. I need
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  Speaker 2: to put some chapstick on. Well.
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  Speaker 1: Sorry to inform you, but this has all been a
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: little ploy mate. That's not her ex so far. That's
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  Speaker 1: Italian batch mate, you idiot.
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  Speaker 2: I was gonna say. I was like, wait, she dates
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: guys with good jaws.
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  Speaker 1: Fuck, So don't get too confident yet, I'm drawing it out.
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  Speaker 1: Close your eyes again.
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  Speaker 2: Fuck like that must batch that I was just looking at,
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  Speaker 2: I think is a bit better than mine. Oh no,
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: oh no, what if this is fucking amazing?
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Fuck? All right, everybody in the background. It was very
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  Speaker 1: hard to find a photo of Jake's girl for friends X. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: but we've done good, We've done our best. Okay, okay,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: here we go. Open your eyes, Jake.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm cheering. I'm cheering. I am not unhappy at all.
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  Speaker 1: So everybody knows what Jake's mustache looks like. Yeah, but
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Jake's girlfriend's X is very seedy. Okay, there's a part
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: of the middle. It's a lot longer. I'm gonna say, Jake,
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  Speaker 1: I think I've got him. I think you win.
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  Speaker 2: You know, okay, you won't know. What's funny is where
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  Speaker 2: I lack is the middle. Where he lacks more is
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  Speaker 2: the middle, and his is really long and like looks
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  Speaker 2: like you're almost curl it. You know what's funny, as
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  Speaker 2: Beth was like, don't let yours grow long on the sides? Why?
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  Speaker 2: How funny? You know it's so funny is just before
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  Speaker 2: when I was looking at the photo of Italian backs,
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  Speaker 2: thinking that was I was like, I'm jealous of you.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I'm jealous of his lips. Say, I didn't give a
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: fuck about the mustache. I was like, I'm jealous of you.
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  Speaker 1: He's a good looking man. And I zoomed in on
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  Speaker 1: the X as well, just to do your favor. You've
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: got nothing to worry about. Man, Oh my.
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  Speaker 2: God, this is so fucking funny.
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  Speaker 1: So now we know you don't have to shave your mustach.
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  Speaker 2: Jake, he's got nice teeth. He's not over analyzing that.
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  Speaker 1: He's got my team.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just making sure I'm better than I'm just comparing
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  Speaker 2: myself to her.
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  Speaker 1: What do we say? In the last episode, it was something.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: Like, because there was a dilmary about comparing yourself.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then spit she's with you for a week.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Beth is with me for a reason.
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  Speaker 1: She's not comparing me to her ex. She wanted to
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: be with him, she would be with him. But it
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  Speaker 1: looks like the mustache is stoned.
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  Speaker 2: Gosh, it's such a good day to be alive. Let's
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  Speaker 2: get that shot screen.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Al right. Everybody up next is dilemmas. You know what
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: to do. There's going to be a link in the
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: description of this episode, or go to Instagram scroll to
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: the bottom of our linked in bio and says dilemmas,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: I think this one is good, Jake, because I think
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: this podcast is really good because it gives an idea
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: of how men think about women, or how we think
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: about women. And this is how a young guy thinks
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: about his crush and oh, what's funny? Okay, and I reckon,
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  Speaker 1: we can help him out, and this is so relatable
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  Speaker 1: for any young dudes listening. Okay, okay, okay, okay, He says,
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  Speaker 1: I know the prettiest girl I've ever laid my eyes on.
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  Speaker 1: We're in high school and talk every lunch. We also
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  Speaker 1: have a class together. Not only is she pretty, but
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  Speaker 1: she's funny, smart, mature, easy to talk to, and a
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  Speaker 1: real one. She doesn't have many friends. Somehow we put
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  Speaker 1: the same effort into communicate and she's not dry texting
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  Speaker 1: at all. She lasted my jokes in brackets. I've even
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  Speaker 1: had her eyes rolling back of her head and brackets.
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  Speaker 1: That's like obviously a big bit of laughing.
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  Speaker 2: Oh okay, okay, don't get too dirty.
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  Speaker 1: I've complimented her before and she seems genuinely grateful. All
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  Speaker 1: this aside, I'm getting friend vibes and I think she
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  Speaker 1: is too pretty, sure she has high standards and mentioned
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  Speaker 1: a guy she thought was hot when we were first talking.
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  Speaker 1: I'm a pretty mediocre looking and I think I've never
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  Speaker 1: caught her checking me out, but who knows. To be clear,
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  Speaker 1: I value her friendship a lot. I would rather stay
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  Speaker 1: friends than try to get with her, than have nothing.
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  Speaker 1: My dilemma is when I think of getting with anyone else,
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  Speaker 1: I can't stand a thought of her liking me all along.
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  Speaker 1: My gut says she's looking for a friend. But what
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  Speaker 1: if I lost the chance with such a cool, beautiful person.
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  Speaker 2: Ah, Man, that sucks.
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  Speaker 1: I know. I was thinking, like, obviously, I reckon. He
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  Speaker 1: can't admit how much he likes it, and he's not
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  Speaker 1: really and he's not confident in himself like any like
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  Speaker 1: seventeen eighteen year old boy.
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  Speaker 2: But he said to himself, he's like, if I was
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  Speaker 2: to go for another girl and then I found out
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  Speaker 2: that she liked me all along, I'd be lived.
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  Speaker 1: And he'd rather stay friends than lose her altogether, which
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  Speaker 1: is tough. So how can we help this man out?
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  Speaker 1: Do you reckon? It's worth finding out?
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  Speaker 2: I was gonna say, I actually think I might have
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  Speaker 2: experience in this really so so when I was in
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  Speaker 2: I could tell a story right still, story right now,
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  Speaker 2: and I'll tell you okay, fuck it. When I was
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: in year six, yeah six, you know, yeah, started started
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  Speaker 2: dating a girl. It's one of those ones. Never spoke
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  Speaker 2: to her, maybe hugged her once twice, so you do
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  Speaker 2: when you went to different high schools right middle of
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  Speaker 2: so much broke up me over text deva broken ut.
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  Speaker 2: It was like, you know, still had a bit of
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  Speaker 2: a crush on her. It was like it is what
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: it is. And then you know, you get high school
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  Speaker 2: for figured about oh blah blah blah, went to different
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: high schools and then and then we both moved back.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: So so I moved to Cincumber and then like a
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: couple months later she moved to Kincumber. Obviously we remember
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: who each other are. I think it was Yeah, so
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: about year seven we were chatted h and then we
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: would like skype Scott. Yeah, the skype was every night. Yeah,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: and like I was fucking in love with her, like
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: just had the biggest crush on it, like I wanted,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: you know, and obviously was never gonna tell her the
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: funk would I do that? We didn't know like we
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: we we would say that we're like best friends, but
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: like we so like looking about it. We so obviously
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  Speaker 2: she obviously liked me and I obviously liked her, and
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: we would say we're best friends, and like we would
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  Speaker 2: never admit to each other that we like each other.
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  Speaker 2: And we would talk for like fucking hours on sky
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: and like every fucking afternoon. And then she went a
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: little bit like off the rails, a little bit disconnected.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: She moves schools, moves back to.
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  Speaker 1: Your school mate. She's back to our school, your heart.
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  Speaker 2: But like I forget about her, then you know, you forget,
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: and then like she moves back again, and then we
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: start chatting again, like nothing ever happened, right, And then
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: I think, so we were chatting. I still can't fucking
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: tell her I like her. I just can't do it
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: because it's like because this, I was like, if I
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: can't like, if I tell her I like her and
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: she says no, then the friendship's gone. And I loved
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: the friendship, but it wasn't friendship because I fucking liked her.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Did you not tell her as well? Because you thought
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: you weren't good enough?
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: I just was like, not ae hundred hundred I just
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: didn't think she liked me back. I wasn't one hundred
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: percent sure she liked me. I was not.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: It was but it was obvious, yeah, but I wasn't
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent. You can't see it when you that young.
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  Speaker 2: And and then we had school disco one night she
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: kissed another dude. I was like, oh, my mates comeing
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: to me. Mate, she kissed this guy, and I was
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: like and because I wanted to be friends still, I
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: remember like.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: She like apologized for kissing another dude.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so she obviously knew I liked her, and she
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: was like, I'll do anything to like make you not
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: be mad at me, and I was like fuck. Ended
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: up just being like whatever, And then I was gonna
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: stay friends with her. But then I think like the
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: next day I was kind of like, nah, sorry, like
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I actually liked you, like oh yeah, yeah. So basically
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: that's where it ended. And then and look that's where
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: it ended. And then like two years later we dated
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: for a while. But but I'm telling you, like I reckon,
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: Like she ended up being I don't want to like
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: get in his head, but she was a bit of
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: like a crazy girlfriend, and we broke up for pretty much.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: That's that's like when I was younger, which I could
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: go back and just be like, just tell her right now.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I was gonna say, you answered his question
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: exactly as well, because when she kissed another dude, it
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: hurt you. Yeah, And this dilemma your friend, if she
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: gets with someone else, that's going to hurt you because
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: you like her and that's not a friendship. That's so
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: your friendships, like, it's not friendship. Yeah, you need to
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: take the chance right now and find out and then
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: deal with those emotions and lose the friendship for a
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: little bit if you get rejected. But it's better to
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: know and deal with all the emotions and maybe you
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: might be friends in the future down the track. Yeah,
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: but right now, I think you got to shoot your
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: shot and back yourself. Man. I remember I was a young,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: seventeen to eighteen year old kid. I thought I was ugly, skinny, tall,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: like I didn't have anything going for me, but had
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: a few things, and I just didn't see him. Everyone
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: has a few things going for him, you just can't
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: see him when you're that young, and through adolescence and puberty,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: you just nitpicky of all the most little things when
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: in reality, I bet you got the fact that she's
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: friends of you. You're making her laugh. Some people really
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: value that laughing thing. Like if you're making her laugh, man,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: that could be all you need.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: But also like again, if you would meet your feelings
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: and she doesn't feel the same, it's like who cares?
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Exactly Like I wish I could have gone into my
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: head back.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: Then, like who gives a fuck?
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Because I'm telling like I know, I genuinely I'm telling
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: you I don't know your name, who sent this in,
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: but I genuinely I know how you feel right now
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: from I just told you. I know how you feel,
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: So don't fucking waste your time.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I remember in like high school, just out of high school,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: there was always this bundle of confusion of like how
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: to talk about your emotions with the opposite sex. Yeah,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: looking back at it now, it's the same as Jake.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: You always both knew you liked each other, you both
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: couldn't say it, and you'll do all these stupid little games,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: like you'd always hang out of each other face each FaceTime,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: each other all the time. Yeah, but for some reason
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: you just couldn't both say I like you. You want to
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: be my girlfriend. It's stupid, eh, and then you might
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: even kissing something.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: We still want to fucking We used to end the
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: phone call saying, I hate you really. We obviously met,
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah it was in love, but it was like fucking
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: you thought it was love, you know, like, ah hate
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: you more. I was like, what I mean, I was young.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I was young looking back at it, but yeah, I
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: wish I had like this podcast to tell me to
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: take the chance. It's better to know and deal with
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: the emotions than not. No one become Jake.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah I say it, happy, but don't don't grow up
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: when you're twenty two, all right, I swear, don't be
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: like Jake. Don't grow up on your twenty two.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I swear. Every single person had like an on and
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: off fling with like someone like three or four years. Eh. Yeah,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: everyone had that one person. Hey, yeah, both couldn't admit
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: their feelings and then they just kissed once or twice,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: and they'll date for like a month, and they'll go off
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: each other and they'll still talk and FaceTime every night.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Everyone knew they were things, but they weren't really a thing. Ah,
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: growing off a sucks.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: Okay, guys, We've done a few different topics this this episode.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: This is due to a bit of uh want popular
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: popular demand. Last week we I mentioned something about watching
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: a Ted talk that I didn't know if it was
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: good enough to bring to the table, but people wanted
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: to hear it. They were interested, and so basically I've
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: titled it fighting is Good in a Relationship, So it's like, yeah,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: like fighting is good for relationship, like that title, Yeah,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: fighting is good. So I'll just give a shout out
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: to the Gotman Institute and the Love Lab. So the
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Gotman's working at the Love Lab.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, get me in there. It feels like I belong there. Doctor.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: There's two doctor Gotman's husband and wife, right, and so
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: they have the Gotman Institute, and then they have a
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: thing called the Love Lab. And so I watched it
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: once and then I watched it again, and I took
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: like a lot of notes, so I think I was
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: off with like maybe a little intro and then just
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: some interesting stuff. So basically fight, Like what they say
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: is fighting is good for relationships. It just kind of
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: depends on how you do it. Okay, So this is
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: a little bit of stuff about stuff they've done. So
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: it's like, how couples fight within the first three minutes
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: predicts with ninety six percent accuracy, not only how the
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: rest of the conversation will go, but how the rest
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: of the relationship will go six years down the road.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: What does it mean by the first three minutes, the
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: first three minutes of the conversation? Yeah, so of like
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: an argument of the okay, okay of an argument? Yeah sorry?
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: So yeah, the how couples fight within the first three
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: minutes of the fight. Yep, some fighting improves the relationship
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: and even improves sex life.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I can see what makeup sex.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: So they had three thousand couples come to their lab
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: and while they were in the lab, they had all
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: the monitor's heart rate, you know, close up camera like
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: everything was monitored, and they had these These couples had
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: conflict discussions or fights, talking about the events of their day,
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: and then after their fight, they rated how they felt
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: before returning home. They would return to the lab every
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: year or two, with some couples doing it for twenty years.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: It's a good test. They've been doing this for like
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: fifty years. They're old. These two people were old. Okay.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: Over time, they saw some couples get divorced or break up.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: Some couples stayed together unhappily, and some stayed together happily.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: There is three major styles of fighting. It was probably
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: a old bunch, but the three major ones the.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Most people do.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: There are the conflict avoiders. I will say that is me.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: I dabble a little bit in there.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: I dabble a lot, and so conflict avoids They agreed
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: to disagree and would rather just wash the dishes than
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: argue a point in like, you know, let's say you're
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: gonna do the dishes, but then your your spouse is like,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: when the fuck are you gonna do the dishes? Like,
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: instead of being like I was literally about to do them,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: you're just like fine, like yeah, yeah.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Sorry you hate the confrontations through this coplic Sorry, sorry.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: But I'll do it now. There's the conflict validators. They
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: will bring up an issue by expressing their feelings calmly
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: and then jumping right into problem solving.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: That's that's probably me more pretty good. No, when I
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: read this, I was like, no, that's odd. Yeah.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: And then there's the conflict volatiles. They express their feelings
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: in a very intense and passionate way and then they
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: would keep on trying to prove that they are right
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: and their partners, and like, I don't think like there's
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: I don't let look you. Obviously, there's probably some types
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: of fighting styles that are better than others. But as
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: long as like your partner understands what you've got and
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: they understand what you've got is I think, like it
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: doesn't matter that you can still it doesn't matter what
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: type you are. Yeah, and I think also the volatile
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: fighting sounds bad, but also how volatile fighters love would
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: be so much like so much emotion. You're very passionate. Yeah,
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: they're just a passionate person exactly. So it says some
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: partners have different styles of fighting to each other, but
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: you can have a successful relationship as long as the
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: ratio of positive to negative responses during an argument is
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: at least five to one. Okay, So examples of positive
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: responses would be like head nodding just good, like smiling
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: of facial expressions blah blahlah, or Stephen staying where's like
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: fair enough? I understand you or you know, stuff like that,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: and then it goes into some negative responses. But they
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: like to emphasize that not all negative responses are equal.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: So like, I don't think all positive ones are equal,
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: but they're all pretty much like balls, you know. Yeah,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: and so there are four big negative responses and they
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: call them the four horsemen of the Apoca.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Lips horsemen of the apocalypse. Grim don't tell me. One
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: is raising your voice.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: So number one is criticism, which means blaming a problem
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: on a personality floor of your partner.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, So.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: It's like again, I guess, say with the dishes or something.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: It's like you've walked into the kitchen and it's like,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: why the kitchen is so fucking dirty? You're such a slot?
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're slop. Make it their problem.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: And then contempt is it's like criticism, but with a
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: dash of superiority. And so it's kind of like there
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: may I guess superiority. They're making them sound better than
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: you're making yourself sound better than your partner.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Is that like all I pay all the bills?
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: I think? So, yeah, I think it's kind of like
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: or maybe you know, dishes Again, it's just an easy
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: exam easiest example. It's like why you wash the dishes?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: You slop?
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: Like I do it every time I finish eating.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: It's not that hard, you know, putting your Yeah, that
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: one's bad.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Number three, Yeah, that's pretty ship. Number three is defensiveness,
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: big one. That one's where sometimes hard, very difficult. So
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: it's when we act like an innocent victim even though yeah,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: like you just like you can't help.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: But act I didn't know what I was doing. Yeah.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Number four it's called stone walling, And it's just when
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: you shut down completely, oh, you know, very shut off,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: you like you can't listen.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I feel like that there becomes a point in every
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: fight where you become that stand off a bit because
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: you just like don't know how to react. Yeah, you
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: just especially for males, you just go silent. What's it
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: called stone stone walling, stone walling. Yeah, especially for men,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: you just go silent, and they're like, what are you playing?
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Silent trip mew. I was like, I physically don't know
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: how to react.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and so I don't want to get that.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I don't want to yell.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: I learned a little bit this about it in the video.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: I learned a little bit about it. So they said
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: that there's the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Then they
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: added a fifth. All right, I was like, whatever, Five
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: it is. So there's one more that is closely related
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: to stone walling. Okay, I think that's why they just
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: had four. And it's called flooding or fight flight or freeze, right,
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: And this is when we look calm and collected on
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: the outside, but on the inside we are not doing good.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing it.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Got high heart rate and we're just like scared of
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: sh yeah, like we can't. Like we're just like we
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: look calm, but like your heart rates like they were saying,
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: like heart rate likee hundred bats a minute type ship
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: like over that and like you're just like fucking hearing
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: ringing and ship, you know what I mean.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: That's relatable. Yeah, So.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: If either one of you get flooded, it is very
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: important that you call for a break. To love this.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: So it's very important that you call for a break.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: But you need to say a time when you will
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: come back to resume the argument. That's very important.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: I liked it. I didn't have a time.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah. See that's where I thought you might like as well.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: So you need to add a time. So it's like
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, like I'm flooded, I need a break for
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: just give me an hour, yeah, all right. And the
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: thing another really important thing is on this break is
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: that you do not think about the fight. Oh you self, soothe, relax,
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: and you're gonna be able to come back and be
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: able to actually listen.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Talk open mindedly. Yes, well that's a great tip for
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: a relationship. I know I need that. Yeah. I think
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: it's also important to realize that when your partner says
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: they need time, it's also like not an attack, like
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: they need to figure out their emotions and relax.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah. But I think which is one massive thing is
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: like give me an hour or like to I don't know,
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: time to come back to.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: So many people think like I've got to deal with
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: it now, Like we can't just we can't go over
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: for an hour. I'm gonna be thinking about the whole time,
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: like we've got to deal with this now. And it
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: just doesn't help.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because like like you say, like you start to
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: remember you saying once that maybe had a little love
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: tip with your girlfriend and and you didn't catch yourself
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: getting heated, and so you guys start to get it
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: just gets out of proportions. Someone says something they don't mean.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: You forget what you're fighting at all. This you like
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: you're the problem. Yeah, yeah, defensiveness do you you yeah,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: pointing like yeah, and then the little tiny problem that
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: turns into like the biggest thing that this escalates, so
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: like you're taking that time is so important, alrighty.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: The difference between couples that fight right versus fight wrong.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: When you fight wrong, you will bring up an issue
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: within the first three minutes with something called harsh startup,
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: which always includes criticism or contempt. So that's like, yeah,
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: you know if you An example they used is like
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: if someone's cooking dinner all the time, I'd say, say,
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: the wife is cooking dinner every night. Yeah, She'll come
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: to her husband and just be like, why don't you
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: ever take me out to dinner? You cheap? I didn't
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: say the same word, you cheap or something, And so
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: that's harsh startup.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: And then you're just caught off guard. And then you
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: and how do you respond to that. You're defensive.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: You'd be like, whoa, I'm busy, you know. Yeah, to
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: fight right, you will bring up an issue with a
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: softened startup, and a softened startup consists of a bunch
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: of eye statements that describe yourself, not your partner. You
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: start with what you feel, then you describe the situation
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: at hand, and then what you need from your partner
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: to make things better rather than what you resent.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Mm yeah, what you need from them. Yeah.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: So I think the example they gave was something like,
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: I'm feeling stressed that I'm always cooking dinner? Would you
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: please take me out one night? Which really is quite
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: like when you think when you dumb it down, like
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: it's so black and White's a soft approach, but you
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: can see how that would be taken yeah, compared to
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: the why don't you ever take me out? Exactly? Instead
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: of just getting mad, he doesn't know your stress. He
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: just thinks you've been a bitch. Yeah.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: And sometimes there's you hear every relationship say like I
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: can't mind read, and it's because of that first initial approach.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: Yo, I've said I can't mind read bad time, I know.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: But that's also like a problem for your partner because
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: she thinks or he thinks that you can.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: So it's exactly, yeah, I mean, I do you have
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: to voice.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: How you feel in a soft manner, especially for your
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: boyfriend and the dumber down to him to make him
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: realize what you're feeling and how this could make you
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: feel that makes so much sense?
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: It does, doesn't It's crazy. Yeah, these are they're all
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: very simple obviously sixty nine percent.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, of all of all.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Relationship problems are perpetual, which means they never actually go away.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: So basically conflicts they need to be managed and not
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: always solved.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: That makes sense sixty nine percent.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: She said. They were saying that couples that came into
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: the first trial that had a little gripe with each other,
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: you know, they figure it out healthily. Every two years
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: they come back, it'd be the same thing.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: IM thinking. I'm realizing that that you manage your problems
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: always a solution because you're different people. Yeah, and it's
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: accepting that you are different. Yeah, it's crazy.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: All right, it's my last little sentence. The biggest mistake
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: couples make when bringing perpetual or solvable problems is they
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: fight to win, which means somebody has to lose. What
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: the masters do you ask? They fight to understand.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I love that fight to understand people.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Like fight in a relationship is like the F word, Yeah,
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: like we no, no, no, we don't fight. Yeah, yeah, I
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: want to start saying fucking we fight Yeah. Yeah, we
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: fucking fight.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: We fight, and you know who wins both of them? Yeah,
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: we fight to understand each other.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I have. I ran a little long time
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: because I wanted to go to the gym. Sorry, but
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do a little more research because they
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: started talking about when a perpetual or a solvable problem
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: comes up. They started talking about how there's some really good, designated,
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: designed questions to understand. So it's like they're basically there's
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: six of them. They say, there's six questions that are
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: designed to get how you feel, how you think, and
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: like history like past history or whatever of why I'm
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: feeling this way, getting into the center of the problem.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: And yeah, and so what the tactic is is like
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: say you and I have a fight where a couple,
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: we have a fight. I ask you the six questions.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: You answer, I'm not allowed to interrupt. You answer.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Then we rolls reverse and you ask me the six
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: we should do it? We should. I need to find them.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: I just couldn't find them, and they didn't link a
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: fucking thing to their website. I'm just gonna have to
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: look up like I'll try and find I'm sure it's
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: on there. Somewhere, but I've freaking I thought it was interesting. A.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: I think it's all very useful information, And I'm thinking,
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: how can you implement that when you're trying to make
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: the relationship better but your partner's stuck in his ways
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: and using all those bad defensive method putting his walls up, reserve,
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: doing all those things.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, like how do you bring this up without
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: it feeling like an attack?
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah? And like it's all good and well, Like I
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: bet you there's so many situations where you're like, we
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: can just fight so much better, but he or she's
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: just yelling at you, yeah, or like he just doesn't
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: know how to voice his opinion. How can you bring
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: this sort of conversation up with someone about how to
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: fight better?
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: I maybe it's like you do try the soften startup
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: or something. I don't know, like some people, I'm sure
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: how you could.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Probably it's simple as like, so the way we fight,
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: obviously we get so heated, and for some reason it
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: makes us feel like one of us has to win?
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Should we try and implement some of these things? So
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: the problem isn't one of us is to understand each
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: other better? Yeah? Like something like that obviously.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm sure, Like I think sometimes I don't want
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: to speak for anyone's relationship, but I do think sometimes
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: people love a bit of a proper row like yeah,
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: like a properly yelling match. And I don't but and
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: even though it doesn't make it feel good, but I think, yeah,
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: if you guys, if you're a couple, that's like that,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: if you could just say to your partner boy or girl, like,
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: you know, when we fight, yeah, it fucking sucks, you know,
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: do you think it sucks? Yeah, EI think it sucks.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Doesn't make maybe you don't say to you, maybe just say, like,
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: when we fight, how does that make you feel? I
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: feel terrible every time? And like you could even say,
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: like I feel terrible how I speak to you? I
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: feel terrible? How I make you feel? And then that's
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: kind of like some eyes. And then you say, what
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: I think we should do is approach it differently, because
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: that's saying how it makes you feel, and then you're
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: saying what you need from your partner to fix this
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: solvable or perpetual issue.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Perfectly. I think that's perfect. It's funny how men and
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: women digest information differently, like, especially because we learn from
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: this pod that we have ninety percent female audience because
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: although it's funny and we try and have a bit
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: of a laugh around here, we try and hide a
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: good message under each episode, which some dud some do,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: some don't do, like, but girls like to sort of
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: take away something from like their time. Yeah yeah yeah,
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Whereas this is statistically proven that dudes like prefer just
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: to like not think, have a bit of like background,
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: always talk about footy, talk about betting.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Well, we went to a fucking we were on a
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: podcast seminar that gave statistics of Australia at least know
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: Australia is pretty similar to the Western world. Yeah, we're
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: part of the Western world, so it's probably pretty similar
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: in like America, Cannabi. I'm just thinking it is going
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: to be hard for all of our female listeners who
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: might have trouble fighting their partner to bring it up
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: because men do digest information so much differently.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: So what you said is good.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: I think it's just yeah, and I just I think
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: like that's just such like like it's like it's just such.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: A soft way to bring it up.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: It's like, how could they get upset except like the
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: only all they could do is is think and it's
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: like they're going to be like, oh my god, like
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: she's so right, you know, he's so right, And and
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: I think if they react badly, it just says so
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: much about.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about all of our friends who are in relationships,
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: and I can picture their flights right now, and some
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: of their reactions are nunhealthy at all.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: No, No, I think about fights I've had in the past.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: No that I'm judging a relationship, but I'm just seeing
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: that for what it is now.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: I think about flights I've had the past, like heaps
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: of flights I've had in the past with girlfriends, and
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: and yeah, one thing I reckon I do heaps is
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: the what's it called flooding, fight, flight or freeze. So
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: I look like I'm listening and I am listening to
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: be fair.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: But I don't know what to do kind of digested
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: and response.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, I literally I can't talk. Yeah, that's
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: my biggest way is I can't talk.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: We'll end it on fight to understand, Fight to understand.