Latest / Dits & Dahs / box ticked: Not Lonely
Transcript
- Sue: A topic that always came up shortly after I was widowed was that of loneliness. And I'm reflecting a bit about feeling lonely pre-marriage to Gareth and today. Before I got married, for me, while I was involved in a career and keeping myself happily occupied with that and having lots of friends was that I yearned. I don't know if yearning is the right word, but I always felt as though. My life was gonna have a partner in it. So when I found Gareth, my life was complete. And that kind of thinking. And I remember it was being single that any time that I would have evenings that I was not occupied with my side hustle of work or other activities, I'd pick up the phone and call somebody. I might even see if they were local and see if we wanted to go out and have dinner or something like that. There was the... feeling that I had to fill my life with moments including others, even though I have been trained as a musician in no foul well how to be happy by myself with playing a musical instrument or writing music or that sort of thing. And when I was single, at the time the dating apps were just becoming really popular and being who I am, a little bit of a nerd. ⁓ I had myself a... a spreadsheet that detailed the dates, the personality traits, dating site, et cetera. And I really had, in my mind, probably thought I was, well, at the time I was just trying to make sure that I could keep everybody straight. And so that if I accepted a second date, I remembered who that person was. Not that there were thousands, mind you, but enough to be slightly confusing for me if I didn't keep it on track. But again, it was all about the perception that my life wasn't going to be complete until I had a spouse and that that would keep me from getting lonely. Because if you're listening to this, you're probably saying, well, that's obviously not true. You can be really lonely even if you're spending every moment with somebody. I understand that. Post-Garroth, in my widowhood, I often, when I'm hanging out with friends, which is infrequent, will get the question of, when are you going to start dating again? Don't you find it lonely being by yourself? And the truth for me is that It kind of feels though, I've ticked the box of having a spouse and I'm always open to having it again because I've had a really lovely marriage with my husband and I'm sure I'm going to welcome a second life with a partner when the time comes. But I'm not motivated to seek it out in a way that kind of surprised me in my life. I guess I believed that I would be living my life with my spouse until we were both in our nineties and both of us living out to the last of our Days together. That didn't happen. I'm 64. My husband died over four years ago. So given what I know about my family history, all things being equal, I might live till I'm in my 90s. So there's plenty of time left. Although having had some close calls with death, I also know that that's a fallacy. So I don't believe that fully. That said, loneliness now really doesn't exist for me. No, I don't feel lonely. Nor do I feel a desire to rush out and... get on a dating app. It's a contentment I feel with having what I need for myself and keeping myself busy with stuff that makes me happy, creating music, et cetera. And it's not that I'm intentionally living as a hermit and turning my mind away from finding another spouse. I've just decided that I'm very content filling my brain with fun stuff and knowing that within that I'm loving myself for doing that. I mean, I guess in some ways I'm kind of surprised too that I haven't jumped on the dating apps, but I come back to this sense of I've ticked the box of being married. And as a bonus, I've ticked the box of being a widow. Now what? Well, the now what is my life. You know, I'm seeing when I read certain things online and seems to be that loneliness is something that is really prevalent whether you're with someone or not. So obviously it's not about. having another person around you sort of co-dependently to fill in that spot of entertaining you. Because I mean, really, that's how sometimes I view it. I don't mean that my friends are just entertainment, but the idea here is that you're avoiding my view, my opinion here, the opportunity to learn and be content with being by yourself if you are always spending it with other. people. I also value silence. I don't mind turning off the external sound sources, whether it be the TVs or playing music, etc. Being by myself with my own thoughts. And I suppose the reason why I make these audio recordings is for a chance to speak out loud, hear my voice, and to release these thoughts and words with the intent that I'm just expressing myself. The fact that I put it online is only for the sake of reference for me in the future. And other people seem to resonate with it. So I kind of believe that loneliness is a really staggering issue that not a lot of us can deal with. And yet there are going to be times in your life when, well, times in my life, like now, where I'm alone. And even with a dog, I'm still alone. I mean, in the sense of the engagement that I have with her fills my brain with good stuff, but it's not the human connection. and finding the human connection with myself, to myself, is helping. I don't feel alone. I don't feel lonely. And I attribute that only to the fact that there are activities that I engage in, even if they're just mental activities, know, solving a crossword. Not just solving a crossword. Learn to write a crossword puzzle. know, stuff like that that engages you in such a way that... you're consumed with interesting things. It's also the understanding that dating apps and social apps can be places where scamming of all sorts can happen, and I'm not afraid of that. understand how to deal with those. But at the same time, it's a waste of my time to be distracted with dealing with scammers when I can be focused on writing crossword puzzles, for example. understanding what's important to you. And if you don't think that you have things that are important to you, then it's my view that I've had to add something into my life that does become important. I don't know if this is a skill that is easily learned to put into practice in your life, because I've always had music in my life. It's really just about understanding yourself and loving yourself. I do truly believe that when you connect within, and it's not for me to tell you how you do that, but it's for you to understand that. In my experience, once I realized that I was the primary source of love in my life, really, that's the beginning of all I need. And it has, in my mind, given me a sense of perspective regarding who I am by into my life. The perspective being that since I keep myself happy and content, adding to that is going to be just that, adding to it, not filling a void. That's a place I didn't experience when I was single. I wasn't fully happy because I was living with a dream of filling that void with a spouse. ⁓ and he did, so much so that when he died, there was a big vacuum. But at the same, I soon thereafter realized, got to take care of self, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. And being spiritual is about, for me, being a good person, knowing right from wrong, loving myself. Everything else flows from that. You know, I can't... do anything but share my experiences and hope that if you do find some resonance with it, I'm grateful for that. But that's not the intent. I'm just offering the confirmation with a woodpecker. I'm just offering a confirmation that feeling lonely is a sign in my life that I was experiencing lack. That may seem obvious to the rest of you and that the solution to getting rid of that feeling for me was re-aligning myself with all the things in my life that I love to do. and to allow myself the grace and patience as I came back to those activities, knowing that it wasn't going to be an overnight turn off of a switch, that I was no longer lonely, but to allow that to rebuild. Ultimately, I also know that when the time comes, when someone does show up in my life and does want to spend and share a life together with me in it, it's great. But in the meantime, I got to live my life. I can't be living it trying to pursue something that is around the corner, spiritually speaking, but not yet into view. So I know it's there, just can't see it. So in the meantime, keep yourself busy with the stuff that makes you happy. And you're the only one that knows what makes you happy. Even when you have a spouse, they're not you. Well, they can probably figure out what makes you happy. But the point of it is, when you're by yourself, get back to the stuff that you did that gave you joy and let that grow and trust yourself that you will get there. get there as in feeling content with the way that your life is. You you're always going to be hacking at it, you know, trying to tweak it and improve it and all of that. That's just, I think, who we are as creatures. That's creativity, by the way. That's a very powerful force because when you're creative, whatever it is, you're doing something for yourself, it's a sign of loving yourself. You're not lonely when you do that. And I also understand that if you're hearing my voice and feeling little less lonely because of it, well, I'm grateful for that. I hope that from my experience, you may find a parallel in your life to investigate, to explore. I think when you rid yourself of feeling lonely, you're stronger, you're more content, you're more at peace, you're allowing your life to live and expand to its fullest joy. That's my experience. If this resonates with you and you feel so inclined to share your thoughts and energy with that, I'd love to hear it. And thanks for listening.