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Transcript

Why Do Narcissists Treat You Worse When You Take Them Back? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Yeah, I got to keep it real with you going back to a narcissist,
• 0:03
  it does get worse. It get it, it, it it can't get
• 0:06
  better. It absolutely, positively will
• 0:09
  get worse the more you go back. Well, Lee, why is that got to
• 0:12
  wait till the rest of the video, right?
• 0:13
  Because that's what we're talking about today.
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  Why you why when you go back to a narcissist, it does get worse.
• 0:18
  Of course, if you're new here, Lee Hammock diagnosed
• 0:20
  narcissist. And welcome to another episode
• 0:21
  of The Narcissist Code. Welcome back folks.
• 0:39
  Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
• 0:42
  Before we hop too deep in today's episode y'all make sure
• 0:45
  you go go over to my podcast page, The Mental Illness
• 0:47
  Podcast. Subscribe to the page and watch
• 0:50
  one of the podcasts on there. All my interviews will be on the
• 0:52
  Mental Illness Podcast at mental illness podcast on YouTube and
• 0:56
  Spotify. So if you're watching this on
• 0:58
  Spotify, you're already here. Just make sure you subscribe or
• 1:01
  alpha music. Just make sure you subscribe
• 1:02
  this for my Youtubers. But yes, y'all, it gets worse.
• 1:07
  What else can I say? I, I bet most of y'all who have
• 1:11
  went back into a toxic relationship will agree with me
• 1:15
  that you and you will say you will get behind me and saying,
• 1:18
  Lee, it absolutely does get worse.
• 1:24
  Drop it in the comment section. Drop it.
• 1:25
  Just give me a thumbs up or drop some type of comment in the
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  section, some some type of comment in the comment section
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  saying, hey, hell yeah, it gets worse and whatnot.
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  And it goes on. But like I said, as you continue
• 1:36
  to grow, as you continue to move forward in, in any relationship
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  dynamic with a narcissist, you have to understand that there
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  are cycles that you go through. And when you get to that final
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  cycle, that final discard cycle, the end of it, when they're done
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  with you, you got to understand that once they're done or you
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  done with them, once you break it with them and you go back to
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  them, it will get worse. Because like, why, Lee, why in
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  my mind, if I put my, let me put my narcissist hat on, right?
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  If I were to put my narcissist hat on, which today it's just
• 2:04
  going to be my glasses, I'm put my narcissist, my narcissist
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  glasses on, right? My narc vision.
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  If I had to put narc vision on right, I would say this.
• 2:11
  You know, it's just like when you leave me, you hurt me.
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  You crush my ego. When you leave me, when you
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  escape me, when you get away from me, you are literally
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  crushing my ego in a way that I feel like is it irreparable?
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  Like I cannot repair my ego because you've done so much harm
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  to it. You've done so much damage to
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  it. You've caused a narcissistic
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  injury here, right? How dare you reject me.
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  There's so much like when you break up with me, when you leave
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  me, you, you allow you bring so much, so much shame into my life
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  that I, it's overwhelming. It's kind of like getting hit by
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  like a damn typhoon or a tidal wave or something like that.
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  It's not anything very. It's not anything small or
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  minuscule. This is large.
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  It's groundbreaking. It is something that really
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  tears me to pieces. I cannot stand it, right?
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  You've hurt me, you and you don't get away with it.
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  How dare you hurt me and get away with it.
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  Hell now. So in my mind, like if you do
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  come back to me, that wound doesn't go away just because you
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  come back to me or we start talking again and we're trying
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  to make it work out. It doesn't mean that that shame
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  has gone away, right? It's kind of like filling up.
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  Just imagine like this right here, filling up a big ass sink
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  with oil, right? The sink is full of oil because
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  the and that oil is shame. Like the sink has been full of
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  shame. This shame oil is filled up,
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  right? You filled it up with shame oil
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  just becomes, you come back and you pull out the stopper.
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  You expected oil to drain out, right?
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  But just imagine oil draining out.
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  It takes forever. It's not like water is going to
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  drain quickly. This is oil and there's there's
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  sediment, there's stones in it, there's rocks, there's stuff
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  inside of it. So it's going to drain even
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  slower. So just because you come back
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  doesn't mean the pain and the shame is going to go away
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  immediately. It's draining, it's feels.
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  It's going down piece by piece, little bit by little bit.
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  But it's not fast enough. Hell, now, hell no.
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  It's just not fast enough. He's being real.
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  If I'll keep it real with you, it really is not fast enough.
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  So as I continue to move on and try to make things work in my
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  mind, like, and you come back into my life, now I'm angry.
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  I really am angry as hell. You really have broken me and I
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  have to do something about it. So in order to do something
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  about it, this is how I go by doing things like, hey, it's
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  going to get worse. Like in order for me to drain
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  the shame out faster. It's not look, now I'm tired of
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  letting it drain. Now I want to scoop it out.
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  Like instead of letting it drain out, I want to scoop it out.
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  Now I'm going to scoop out the shame fast, like a little with a
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  little ladle. So in order to scoop it out
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  faster, I have to do something to you.
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  I have to get you back. I have to match your energy in
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  some way, shape or form. I get you have got to feel this.
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  You are going to feel this because how dare you hurt me and
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  think you're just going to walk away Scott free.
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  That ain't how the world work, honey.
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  That ain't how it is. That ain't, that is not how this
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  goes down. That is not how this is going to
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  go down. I'm sorry you think that, but
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  hell no. You got to feel what I you, you
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  got to smell. If you smell what the rock is
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  cooking, right? That's how I go.
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  If you smell what the rock is cooking, this is what you're
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  going to be smelling because you're not, you're not getting
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  away with this, right? And that's what the mind goes.
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  I'm serious. That's where my mind is went to.
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  Because you've broken me, because you've hurt me.
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  I gotta hurt you in some way, shape or form.
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  You have to feel the pain that I felt like, right?
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  How you think you're gonna just walk away Scott free?
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  Hell no. Hell no.
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  Another reason is because, like, if you come back to me, would
• 6:02
  you ever weigh how it happens? I always think that you can
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  leave again, right? In my mind, you've left before,
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  so the possibility exists that you can just leave again.
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  Why wouldn't you just leave again?
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  If you decide if I did one thing wrong, would you think I did
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  something wrong? You could just leave again.
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  So why wouldn't you, right? That's how my mind works.
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  My mind is thinking like, damn, you could you left before you
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  can absolutely leave again. So that's what type of time, and
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  I don't know, like you, you already left so you can
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  absolutely pack up your stuff and you can leave again.
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  So that's how my mind works. So I have to get you back before
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  you leave again. That Yep.
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  That don't sound too crazy to me, right?
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  Like, because I think if you have you, if you've already left
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  once before, then the possibility exists that you can
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  leave again, you can hurt me again.
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  You could put me through this pain again.
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  You can put me through this suffering again.
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  And I don't want to do that. I don't want to be have pain.
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  I don't want to have suffering. I know you don't care, but
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  that's how my mind works. I like you can hurt me again,
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  you can leave again. So I need to do something to
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  you. I'm not all in because I think
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  if I look at it, if I look at this relationship and I look at
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  you as having one foot in and 1 foot out, then I'm also going to
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  have one foot in and 1 foot out. I'm also going to give you bare
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  minimum effort now, maybe not at the beginning.
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  When you come back, maybe at the beginning, I'm going to be
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  showering you with things in order to get you to stay right
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  at the beginning. I'm going to keep Kippy.
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  I'm going to try to keep you around in order to keep you
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  right where you are. I don't want you to leave now.
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  I think you're going to leave doesn't necessarily mean I want
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  you to leave. So I might at the beginning when
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  you first come back, I might do a little extra.
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  I might put a little, I might put a little extra work in.
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  Why not? I might put, I might do a little
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  extra stuff for you, little extra, little little extra care,
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  little extra carescent, little extra affection.
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  I might do that. Why not?
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  I can do that. I'm fully, I'm fully capable of
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  doing all of that stuff right there, right?
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  I'm fully capable of doing so much in that situation that
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  that's how it would go for me. So I say that to say this to
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  you, this is like as you're dealing with a narcissistic
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  person or talk to a person. That's why it gets worse.
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  They don't trust you again, I know you don't trust them.
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  You might be trauma bonded to them, you might miss them, but
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  in their minds, they don't care about the trauma bond.
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  Why would I care about a trauma bond?
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  Like you're trauma bonded to me. Why do I care about you being
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  trauma bonded to me, right? If you saying trauma bonded to
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  me, that makes me feel like I'm putting you through trauma.
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  That makes me, that hurts my feelings.
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  So now I got a lash out again. You see, that's why it's so
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  important sometimes when you're dealing with a narcissist.
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  I know some of y'all won't. You want to let them know that
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  they're hurting you. You want to let them know you
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  want to know that you matter. So you start using this language
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  in front of them was like, oh, trauma bond.
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  Oh this, Oh that. They take that as offensive.
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  You're trauma bonded to me, so I'm putting you through trauma.
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  Wow, you must have you must really think I'm an evil bastard
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  if you think I'm putting you through trauma.
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  Wow, I can't believe that you see, I'm saying that's the
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  mentality right there. They'll out like they can't
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  believe the fact that you think that they would do this type of
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  stuff. It's crazy it's absolutely mind
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  boggling. It's insane, but that's how it
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  works though, man, that's why it will.
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  That's why like so many people just like well Lee, I want to go
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  back. You think it'd get better?
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  Why would it get better? It might be better for you when
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  you first come like y'all might have some makeup cheek clapping
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  sessions and things might get hot and heavy.
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  You hot and heavy and sweaty. You might be sweating a little
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  bit more, right? Y'all get that bedroom.
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  Y'all get that bedroom working. You might be sweating a little
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  bit more, right? But after that, after that kind
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  of euphoria wears off, what is next?
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  You're still going to want you, you, there's still going to be
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  unanswered question, unanswered issues.
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  There will be things that you've battled against with this person
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  that this is going to be hard to deal with.
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  There'll be situations that are very difficult to process and
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  things of that nature. So when you're dealing with this
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  type of person, that's where it goes.
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  Like when you go, before you go back to a narcissist, you have
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  to ask yourself, am I ready for this to get worse?
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  Because if you're under the assumption that it's going to be
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  better for a long period of time, that's going to say that's
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  what so many people get set up right now.
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  There are certain people in certain situations that I know
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  that might have to go back into the relationship, right?
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  There's people that are financially drained and don't
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  have any other way, any other place to go and don't want to
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  stay on the streets or whatever. Shelters are full.
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  And sometimes you might have to go back.
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  But ain't no situation right there play by ear, right?
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  You already know it's going to get worse.
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  You already know what parameters you're under.
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  You already know the type of stuff you have to follow through
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  it and what you have to do to survive.
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  It's about survival, right? Sometimes if you have to survive
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  by going back into the relationship, and this is not me
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  trying to say go to it, go do it.
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  No, this is me just trying to say there's no other options and
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  you have kids or whatever the case may be.
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  You can be on the streets, you have anywhere to go.
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  I, I get it. So it's kind of it's about
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  protecting yourself and being safe because you might be
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  putting yourself in harm's way going back, right?
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  Because sometimes if you come back, they and they have that
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  mentality, if I can't have you, no one will.
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  They'll take you out of here. If they've already threatened to
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  harm you or hurt you, they'll take you out of here.
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  Why wouldn't they? You see how that mind works
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  right there? They if they already threaten
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  you and putting like putting you on notice that they can hurt you
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  and it will hurt you, what's stopping them from doing it
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  right now? You got to think about that as
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  you continue to move forward on this journey.
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  Before you go back to them, ask yourself like, OK, am I ready
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  for what's on the other side of this?
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  Because you, that narcissist, the person, I promise you, they
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  very well might be waiting on you.
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  They might be waiting on you to come back so they can talk some
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  shit to you, so they can put you through some pain, so they can
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  hurt you or whatever the case may be.
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  Sometimes they want to make you feel as much pain as they feel.
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  They want to hurt your ego. They want to break you down.
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  They want to embarrass you. They want you, they want you to
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  beg. They're, they are suffering
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  internally, so they want you to suffer internally.
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  They want to match your energy. How dare you break with me?
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  How, how dare you leave me? How dare, how dare, how dare, Oh
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  dare, oh dare, oh dare. You know what I'm saying?
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  But that's the mentality that so many narcissistic people fall
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  into any types of relationship dynamics, man.
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  So before you go, before you go back, answer the question right
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  there. What, what am I getting myself
• 11:55
  into? Am I under the false expectation
• 11:58
  that it's going to be better? Just based on what?
• 12:02
  Based on their words? You don't trust their words.
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  You don't trust the narcissist words of the all the other shit
• 12:06
  they've been doing. You don't trust their words over
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  huh? You don't trust a liar.
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  Come on now. Otherwise we gotta wait so a lot
• 12:12
  of us got to wake up. You trust a liar.
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  They've been lying all the time. They're going to now that
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  they've been lying this whole time.
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  They don't tell the truth now. They're gonna tell the truth
• 12:22
  anyways. Y'all think I will tune into
• 12:23
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• 12:25
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• 12:39
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• 12:41
  Everything else y'all I'm out. Peace.