Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 203: Are You Keeping the Peace or Avoiding Conflict? A Guide for Highly Sensitive People

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203: Are You Keeping the Peace or Avoiding Conflict? A Guide for Highly Sensitive People · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:23
  Speaker: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people in recovering people pleasers learn how to identify the difference between protecting their peace and avoiding discomfort, because sometimes, honestly, the lines can become kind of blurred.
• 0:36
  Speaker: But before we get too far into this idea, I want you to make sure to listen to the end, because at the end of this episode, I'm gonna tell you about a fun freebie that I've created just for you.
• 0:45
  Speaker: Now many recovering people pleasers believe that protecting their peace in the moment will eventually lead to long-term peace.
• 0:53
  Speaker: But the uncomfortable truth is that sometimes a little discomfort is exactly what is needed to create the long-term peace that you're looking for.
• 0:59
  Speaker: So let me give you a few examples about what it can look like when you're working to keep the peace, but you're actually just avoiding discomfort.
• 1:07
  Speaker: Emily is telling herself that she's protecting her peace in her marriage by remaining silent, even though there are a lot of things that are currently bothering her in her relationship.
• 1:15
  Speaker: But because bringing them up, it feels really uncomfortable.
• 1:18
  Speaker: It's probably gonna upset her husband.
• 1:20
  Speaker: It's really gonna be just.
• 1:22
  Speaker: Painful to bring it up, she thinks, and so she just remains silent.
• 1:25
  Speaker: She tells herself, well, it's probably not that big of a deal.
• 1:28
  Speaker: I don't wanna blow things outta proportion.
• 1:30
  Speaker: But over time, then those little things, they're starting to add up and she's starting to feel resentful.
• 1:36
  Speaker: She's noticing now that she's really kind of starting to feel angry when her husband leaves to go and hang out with the guys.
• 1:42
  Speaker: She started making tallies of who did the cooking that day and who did the cleaning that day, who did how much of what, and she really has a lot of negative emotions that are building up for her.
• 1:51
  Speaker: And then one day she totally explodes.
• 1:54
  Speaker: She just simply cannot take it anymore.
• 1:56
  Speaker: Can't he see what she needs?
• 1:57
  Speaker: And at this point, then there's no more peace in the relationship.
• 2:01
  Speaker: In fact, things are harder than ever.
• 2:03
  Speaker: And the peace that she thought that she was protecting, it's now non-existent.
• 2:09
  Speaker: And then there's Lisa.
• 2:10
  Speaker: Lisa is always the first one to volunteer to help to organize events at her kids' school.
• 2:15
  Speaker: And so whenever an email request is sent out or a signup sheet is waiting at the door, then she feels overcome with guilt and obligation.
• 2:22
  Speaker: On the surface, it looks like she's doing everything on her own and that she actually really enjoys taking the lead.
• 2:28
  Speaker: And yeah, that may have been true in the beginning, but now nobody else is signing up to help.
• 2:34
  Speaker: And they all seem to just kind of expect that Lisa's gonna do it.
• 2:38
  Speaker: So she's really wishing that other people would sign up, but because it feels so uncomfortable to just sit back and watch and wait, hoping other people will do it, then she decides to manage her discomfort in the moment by immediately signing up.
• 2:52
  Speaker: She's thinking, okay, well maybe somebody will start to notice how often I sign up, and then they'll be inspired to sign up too, right?
• 2:57
  Speaker: They'll be inspired to share the load.
• 2:59
  Speaker: And so she stays silent and she keeps signing up, but under the surface, then she's feeling overwhelmed by the time commitment, she's feeling resentful towards the other parents that aren't volunteering, and she's feeling really anxious anytime that she even sees that child's teacher because she's like, oh no, they're gonna give another assignment.
• 3:17
  Speaker: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 3:19
  Speaker: She says yes when she wants to say no because she doesn't wanna be that parent that never helps out, and she really does wanna keep the peace.
• 3:27
  Speaker: She wants to appear helpful.
• 3:30
  Speaker: She also really doesn't wanna be pushy asking other parents to help out.
• 3:33
  Speaker: So instead of asking, she continues to volunteer again and again and again.
• 3:39
  Speaker: She signs up in the moment to avoid discomfort, But ultimately it's creating a whole lot more discomfort for her by signing up all over again.
• 3:48
  Speaker: And then there's Anna.
• 3:50
  Speaker: Anna constantly changes her plans to accommodate other people.
• 3:53
  Speaker: So if a friend wants to meet up earlier or later or change locations, then she just adapts to everything.
• 3:59
  Speaker: She tells herself, I'm just being easygoing.
• 4:02
  Speaker: I'm being flexible.
• 4:03
  Speaker: I'm being accommodating.
• 4:05
  Speaker: I'm keeping the peace in relationship.
• 4:07
  Speaker: This is an easy thing for me to do.
• 4:09
  Speaker: But the truth is that actually saying, Hey, you know what?
• 4:12
  Speaker: Actually that doesn't work for me.
• 4:14
  Speaker: It just feels so uncomfortable.
• 4:17
  Speaker: She doesn't wanna upset her friend, and she doesn't want anybody else to be inconvenienced.
• 4:22
  Speaker: And so she bends, she changes her plans, and she allows herself to be inconvenienced, and now she's feeling anxious anytime that that friend wants to make plans with her because she doesn't know how to plan the rest of her day.
• 4:36
  Speaker: She knows that the plans could change at any moment.
• 4:38
  Speaker: So she feels like she has to block out the entire day for a two hour hangout Because that two hour hangout, it could turn into a four hour hangout or a six hour hangout, or it could be earlier or later.
• 4:48
  Speaker: She has no idea what to plan for.
• 4:50
  Speaker: She thinks she's being kind and agreeable and keeping the peace, but the truth is she's feeling taken for granted.
• 4:56
  Speaker: She's feeling resentful, and she's noticing that her relationship is becoming more and more out of balance because she's always the one bending.
• 5:04
  Speaker: And the truth is that this is such a common pattern for people pleasers.
• 5:08
  Speaker: They believe that they're choosing into peace, but there's actually two things that are happening.
• 5:12
  Speaker: Number one is they are absorbing all of the discomfort themselves so that nobody else has to feel it.
• 5:17
  Speaker: In their attempt to avoid discomfort, they are adding to their own discomfort.
• 5:22
  Speaker: Do you see that now?
• 5:24
  Speaker: And then the second thing that they're doing is they're fooling themselves into believing that short-term peace is going to lead to long-term peace.
• 5:30
  Speaker: Avoiding discomfort in the moment.
• 5:32
  Speaker: It doesn't actually create long-term peace.
• 5:35
  Speaker: It just tricks you into ignoring your own discomfort until it becomes too loud to ignore.
• 5:42
  Speaker: If you really want peace in your relationships, you've gotta start getting honest with yourself about what is gonna actually create that lasting peace.
• 5:49
  Speaker: Not temporary peace.
• 5:51
  Speaker: Now, kind of think of it this way, imagine that you're out shopping with a toddler and they really, really, really want that candy bar at the checkout.
• 5:58
  Speaker: They want it so badly that they're now screaming and crying and really putting on a show, and here's what's probably happening for you inside, right?
• 6:04
  Speaker: If you're the one responsible for that toddler, your skin is probably starting to crawl.
• 6:09
  Speaker: You're feeling so embarrassed, you're feeling stressed out, your blood pressure is rising, and you just want it to stop.
• 6:16
  Speaker: Now you could stop the tantrum instantly by purchasing the candy bar, right?
• 6:21
  Speaker: But more than likely, that's not going to give you the long-term result that you're looking for.
• 6:25
  Speaker: Instead, what it's gonna create is this very same event happening again and again and again every time that you go grocery shopping., It's not fun, but that is an option that's available to you, is you could constantly choose temporary peace through appeasement week after week after week, every time you go grocery shopping.
• 6:42
  Speaker: Or you could choose to lean into the discomfort.
• 6:46
  Speaker: You could choose to just embrace the suck for a while and acknowledge to that child that, yeah, candy bars are pretty good, but we're not gonna be getting one today.
• 6:53
  Speaker: And then finish your shopping.
• 6:55
  Speaker: It is really uncomfortable in the moment.
• 6:57
  Speaker: And yeah, it's even embarrassing, but that response does make it a lot more likely that the next time there won't be a huge tantrum when you go shopping.
• 7:06
  Speaker: The truth is that long-term peace, it often requires discomfort.
• 7:10
  Speaker: It requires speaking up.
• 7:12
  Speaker: It requires making requests and allowing space for other people to step up even when it's uncomfortable.
• 7:18
  Speaker: So today I want you to think about what is it that you really, truly want?
• 7:22
  Speaker: What is going to bring you that lasting peace?
• 7:25
  Speaker: and then ask yourself, what form of discomfort are you willing to experience to get it?
• 7:30
  Speaker: For example, if you want the piece that comes from long-term financial security, are you willing to experience a little discomfort as you spend less money and you put more money into savings Now.
• 7:40
  Speaker: If you want the peace that comes from being fit and healthy, are you willing to experience the discomfort that can come from working out more and changing how you eat?
• 7:47
  Speaker: If you want the peace that comes from getting your needs met in a relationship, are you willing to experience the discomfort of making requests, not knowing how the other person's going to respond?
• 7:57
  Speaker: If you want the peace that comes from having your boundaries respected, are you willing to experience the discomfort of stating and reinforcing your own personal boundaries?
• 8:05
  Speaker: Think about one thing that you really want right now, and what form of discomfort are you willing to experience to get it?
• 8:13
  Speaker: Start to think in the long term.
• 8:15
  Speaker: Learn to accept that discomfort is a part of growth.
• 8:18
  Speaker: And when you do that, I think you're gonna be blown away by how much more peace and growth you can experience in your life.
• 8:24
  Speaker: And speaking of discomfort, one thing that can really make people very uncomfortable is boundary setting.
• 8:29
  Speaker: Did you like that transition?
• 8:32
  Speaker: I know you're starting to wonder if I was gonna get to that offering, but anyway, because I love you, I have created a mini webinar on boundary setting that you can access instantly by using the link in the show notes or by going to my website, MaryAnn Walker Life.
• 8:44
  Speaker: And in that link, it's gonna take you to my webinar and it's also going to share with you all of my most favorite episodes on boundary setting as a highly sensitive person.
• 8:52
  Speaker: So then that way you don't have to go digging it is just right there at your fingertips.
• 8:56
  Speaker: So click the link below or come to my website, MaryAnn Walker Life to gain access now.
• 9:00
  Speaker: I hope that you enjoy it.
• 9:01
  Speaker: All right, well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 9:04
  Speaker: Bye now.