Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / The Manager Who Never Met Their Team
Transcript
- Lucas: There is a specific kind of panic that sets in around week four of a new management role. It is not the panic of not knowing what to do with the work itself. It is the panic of realizing that no one actually knows you. You have spent the last three weeks reading reports, learning the software stack, and trying to figure out where the budget leaks are. But you haven't had a single real conversation with the people who are going to execute your vision. Luna: Right. And because you are busy, you default to email chains and Slack threads. You start managing by spreadsheet instead of by relationship. Lucas: Exactly. And I want to talk about a pattern I see constantly, especially among high-performing individual contributors who get promoted into their first people-management role. They treat their team like a series of tasks to be completed rather than a group of humans to be led. The result is what I call the transactional trap. You get the output, but you lose the loyalty. And without loyalty, any future crisis will tear the team apart. Luna: So you are saying that the foundation of leadership isn't strategy or even competence, it is actually just showing up and listening? Lucas: It sounds simple, but it is hard. Let me give you a concrete example from a client of mine last year. Sarah was promoted to lead a team of twelve customer success reps. She came from an individual contributor background where she was the top performer. She was brilliant at solving tickets. When she became a manager, she kept doing exactly that. She sat in on calls to fix problems. She wrote detailed emails correcting her direct reports. She was incredibly helpful, but she never asked anyone how they were feeling about their workload or their career path. Luna: That makes sense. She was still acting like the best player on the field, just wearing a whistle. Lucas: Precisely. By month two, morale had plummeted. Two key people resigned within forty-eight hours of each other. When I interviewed Sarah afterward, she was devastated. She told me she thought she was being a good leader because her team metrics were stable. But the data didn't show the human cost. She hadn't built the reservoir of trust that allows people to stay when things get tough. Luna: But surely there is a balance? You can't spend all day chatting if you have quarterly targets to hit. Lucas: That is the misconception. The best leaders I know spend more time on relationships than anyone else. Why? Because when you have that capital, delegation becomes easier. Feedback becomes less defensive. People give you the benefit of the doubt. Sarah was trying to shortcut the process. She wanted the results of leadership without doing the work of connection. Luna: So what does that work look like in practice? Is it just scheduling regular coffee chats? Lucas: It starts with the one-on-one. But most managers use one-on-ones incorrectly. They turn them into status updates. What are you working on? When is it due? Any blockers? That is a meeting that could be an email. A true one-on-one is for the person, not the project. It is about understanding their motivations, their frustrations, and their aspirations. Luna: That feels risky though. If you ask someone about their frustrations, aren't you inviting complaints? Lucas: You are inviting truth. And truth is the only thing that allows you to manage effectively. If you don't know why someone is struggling, you cannot help them. If you don't know what they care about, you cannot motivate them. It is not about fixing every problem immediately. It is about signaling that you see them as a whole person. Luna: I think a lot of new managers are afraid of looking weak if they admit they don't have all the answers. Lucas: That fear is actually what drives the transactional trap. They hide behind processes and policies because those feel safe. Relationships are messy. People have bad days. They have biases. But avoiding that messiness guarantees you will fail in the long run. Leadership is inherently interpersonal. Luna: How do you structure those conversations so they don't feel awkward or forced? Lucas: Start with a simple question that has nothing to do with work. How are you feeling about the direction of the company? Or what is the biggest challenge you are facing right now? Then listen. Do not interrupt. Do not jump to solutions. Just let them talk. The silence is where the trust is built. Luna: It seems like a lot of emotional labor for something that doesn't have a clear ROI. Lucas: The ROI is retention and engagement. Turnover costs six to nine months of salary for a single employee. One bad hire caused by poor management can cost your team months of productivity. Connection pays for itself quickly. Luna: But what about the managers who are naturally introverted or shy? They might find these deep conversations exhausting. Lucas: Introversion is not an excuse to avoid connection. It just means the style might be different. Some people prefer written check-ins. Some prefer walking meetings. The medium matters less than the intent. As long as you are creating space for dialogue, you are building the bridge. Luna: Do you think remote work has made this harder or easier? Lucas: Harder, definitely. In an office, you pick up social cues in the hallway. You overhear conversations. You share lunch. Remote work strips all of that away. You have to be intentional about creating those moments. You have to schedule the virtual coffee. You have to turn the camera on and ask the personal question. Luna: It requires much more discipline when you can't rely on ambient proximity. Lucas: Exactly. And that is why the first ninety days are so critical. If you don't establish the habit of connection early, it never happens. You get busy, you prioritize the urgent over the important, and suddenly you are six months in with a team that views you as a distant authority figure. Luna: What should a new manager do in that first week to break the ice? Lucas: Schedule brief introductory calls with everyone. Not to discuss work, but to learn about them. Ask what brought them to this role. Ask what they enjoy most about their job. Ask what they would change if they could. These questions reveal values and priorities. Luna: That gives you a map of the team's psychology before you even start making decisions. Lucas: It does. And it shows respect. It tells them that you value their perspective. That is the antidote to the transactional trap. Luna: It really highlights how much of management is just being present. Lucas: Presence is the most underrated skill in business. Everyone thinks leadership is about charisma or big speeches. It is mostly about showing up consistently and listening deeply. Luna: If someone is listening to this and they realize they have been managing transactionally, is it too late to change course? Lucas: Never too late. Start tomorrow. Pick one direct report and ask them a genuine question. Listen to the answer. That is step one. It accumulates over time. Luna: Small steps, big impact. Lucas: Always. Because at the end of the day, people don't remember the spreadsheets. They remember how you made them feel. Luna: And if you made them feel seen, they will go the extra mile for you. Lucas: That is the secret. The best teams are built on trust, not transactions. Luna: It is interesting how much energy goes into avoiding vulnerability, yet that is exactly where the strength lies. Lucas: Vulnerability is not weakness. It is the willingness to engage with reality, which includes the human element. Luna: So the takeaway is to stop managing the tasks and start leading the people. Lucas: Yes. The tasks will take care of themselves if the people are aligned and motivated. Luna: That feels like a relief. Less control, more connection. Lucas: Less control, better results. It is a trade-off that pays off every time. Luna: I think we need to remind ourselves that leadership is a practice, not a title. Lucas: Agreed. And the practice begins with a conversation. Luna: If today was actually useful to you, the way these stay ad-free is listener support — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, if this helped you rethink how you approach your own team, consider supporting us. It keeps the lights on and the research going. Luna: Thank you for helping us keep this independent and focused on the details that matter. Lucas: Back to the topic. The hardest part is starting. Once you have that first real conversation, the rest follows. Luna: It opens the door for everything else to become easier. Lucas: Absolutely. And that is where the real work begins. Luna: So what is the one question you will ask your team tomorrow? Lucas: I will ask them what is one thing I can remove from their plate to make their week easier. Luna: Simple, direct, and helpful. Lucas: Exactly. Sometimes the best leadership is just removing friction. Luna: That is a powerful way to build trust instantly. Lucas: It is. And it proves you are paying attention. Luna: I hope our listeners find ways to connect with their teams this week. Lucas: Me too. Because the people are the product. Luna: Until next time, keep listening and keep leading.