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No One is Going to Save You · The Missing Secret Podcast

• 0:00
  Kelly Hatfield: Welcome to The Missing Secret Podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield,
• 0:03
  John Mitchell: Hey, and I'm John Mitchell. So today, our topic is no one is going to save you. And this is a famous Mel Robbins quote that Kelly actually mentioned last time, but it's really pertinent. And Kelly, would you describe what you think Mel Robbins means by nobody is going to save you?
• 0:26
  Kelly Hatfield: Yeah, I think in today's society, especially, you know that everybody's looking for the magic pill, for the quick fix, for the you know, and I she really talks a lot about personal responsibility, personal account, personal accountability. We've talked a lot about this in prior episodes, about being the victim and you know, so it really is in response to that, like, if you want to make change in your life, you can't wait around and wait for that to happen or wait for the solution to find you. You've got to take control, you know, of your circumstances, you know, and and make it happen. Nobody's coming to do that for you. And so I think that's really kind of the spirit of where that comes from with the material that she teaches.
• 1:08
  John Mitchell: Yeah, I think so too. And, and, you know, it's interesting. I look back when I was 50, it really hit me that boy, I have to figure out my life. Nobody is going to come save me and and I think largely I was thinking this thing's all going to work out in my 40s. I really thought this, this thing's going to work out, I'm doing my best, or what I thought was my best, which was nowhere close to my best, but, but I was doing my best. I thought it's the universe is going to just work out, that it's it's all going to work out for me. I'm going to find the the woman of my dreams. I'm going to make a lot of money and not have to work. And when I hit 50, I'm like, Nope, I don't think that is the right attitude. I'm like John, you need to freaking man up. Use the it's nobody's going to save you. You have to figure out your life. Nobody's going to figure it out for you. You have to figure out your life, exactly, what do you want, and then exactly how are you going to get it? And then, of course, from reading, Think and Grow Rich, I realize that's the secret to success is is create immense clarity about what you want, how you're going to get it, and how you're going to achieve your goals, and then feed it to yourself every day. That's the secret, in a nutshell. And I realized at 50 that I was getting exactly what I deserved, like I'd made 200 grand for 20 years. Well, I was getting exactly what I deserved. I wasn't getting more. I was not getting less. I didn't think that was enough. And I think at some level, I I probably felt like I was a victim. And then I realized, no, I'm not a victim. I'm getting exactly what I deserve, and if I want to make a million a year, Hey, I gotta up my skill sets and so and I also saw that at 50, I'd never been married, and I saw that I was getting sort of what I deserved. Because I don't know if this is a good thing to admit or not, but I think to some degree, women were my hobby.
• 3:34
  I mean, I don't know that. I'm really proud of that. But I mean, as you can imagine, if you're 50 years old and you're never married, and, and, of course, I was looking for the the right one, but that was so hard to find the right one. And I was, I was doing things to I realized it's a, it's a volume game, and, and, but like, when I I turned 50, I'm like, Well, come on it, you know, it's, it's time to really meet my life partner and, and obviously, what I'm doing to this point isn't working. It's been a lot of fun, but it's not working for finding the right one. And when I turned 50, I'm like, Okay, now we're going to date to get married. I'm going to play the numbers game. I'm going to I'm going to meet like, three or four women a month, and I get it one in 10 is someone I'm going to want to take out on a date. So nine out of 10, it's on in at some level, going to be a waste of time. But I was like, I'm just going to consider this an adventure. It beyond meeting a new person. Well, yeah, let's, let's do this, but, but you know, let's also, you. Up how I'm doing it and start instead of just sort of naively going, Well, I'm just going to beat a lot of women. And of course, I was mostly attracted to the ones that were good looking as as shallow as that is, but that's how we you know, men and women work that way. And so I got to the point where I'm like, Okay, what are the qualities I really want? Let me figure out the 15 qualities I want and and exactly how I'm going to play, playing the numbers and I'm not going to roll into these three or four month relationships that you know, can happen. I'm like, I'm finding my my wife, and if they don't qualify on the first meeting, I wouldn't really date him. I we'd have a meeting, you know, a coffee or whatever. Then I'm not going to call him up for for a day. And that was very powerful, because then, within two years, I met ginge and so but I was getting exactly what I deserved, because I wasn't thinking deeply about
• 6:09
  what I needed to do to improve my outcomes in my career nor in my romantic relationship. And then once I got clear about that and realized that way is going to save me. It's gonna take my efforts, my intelligent efforts, then that's when my life will change. And so I'm curious, on your end, when did you really get this idea that nobody's gonna save you?
• 6:35
  Kelly Hatfield: I don't, you know, like you just have, I think for me, I don't know. It's a different circumstance, Bernie, because, you know, you you have to remember, I moved out of the house when I was 17, right own. So I got, you know, from the way that my household was, I learned pretty early that, like, you need to go out and make your, you know, make your way. And, you know, this is kind of up to you. And so I think I had that foundationally, just, you know, based on my upbringing, you know. But I think one of the when I reflect back on it now and liken it to what we're currently talking about, I would say that I was in the recruiting business as an employee, and I'd been there for, you know, almost 14 years when I started ingenuity advantage 16 years ago, but I a couple of things kept, like, a year or two prior to that, you know, I was dissatisfied, you know, I was unfulfilled or frustrated that my ideas weren't being implemented and that I could, you know, there are ways I could make an impact, and I wasn't being allowed to do that, you know. And it was, you know, kind of this constant dialog. And it was a mentor pointing it out to me, like, well, do something about it. You can't continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome, right? Why do, you know? And so it was that kind of thing, like, nobody's gonna fix this for you, but you so if you're unhappy with something, then you've got, you have to find the solution for it, you know. And the way you're currently doing it right now, is solving the problem. And also, John, while you were talking, it tied, I reflected back on prior conversations we've had about, you know, becoming older, you know, and wiser, right? And I think that part of you know, we've had frustration in the past, like, why don't people get this? And I think one of the points that's connected to this is, I think you have to experience enough, I don't know is pain the right word, or enough of dissatisfaction or
• 8:35
  failure, well enough failure or whatever, to to take accountability and responsibility and say, You know what, I'm dissatisfied and I need to do something different about it, you know, because I'm unhappy or I'm you know. And so, you know, it's interesting that you were at that pivotal point in your life, you know, I was at a pivotal point in my career. And so it just seems like pain seems to be one of the catalysts for, yeah, you know, really it making the change necessary to take control of your your life and change your circumstances.
• 9:08
  John Mitchell: Oh, I think that's completely right. I mean, you've got to be disgusted with the current situation enough to change, and if you're not disgusted enough with it, then you won't make the change. That's that at the end of the day, that's what's gotta happen. And, and I think, like in in my case, you know, it's easy to to make a couple 100 grand a year and think, Wow, I'm doing, I'm doing better than maybe most, or or some, but only when I got to be 50 and felt the scarcity of time did I put that in perspective, that that that's just not enough, that's I'm just capable more, and by God, I'm going to get it and so, but I think you're exactly right. And you know, the other thing I think that goes on today is. That we live in this culture that is so shallow thinking, and we're just gliding through life and not really thinking about life. And that's where largely I think this idea that that somebody or something is going to save me, and so I'm not going to worry about it. It's all just going to work out. But today it's on steroids, this attitude because of the flip through nature of social media, that people are not thinking deeply about their life and not going, Oh, it's on me to fix this thing. It's not on anybody else, right? Do you buy that?
• 10:43
  Kelly Hatfield: Yep, I do buy that. I think there's absolutely that component. And then something else that popped into my head as you were speaking is, I think that there's another element, especially with today's, you know, couple of generations behind us, you know, I don't know what they're called anymore, millennials, right? I don't know, right? But that, that what social media has also done is it is bringing the input. And we talk about this all the time, the input you take in, you know, like it all relates to one another. The energy you take in is the energy you put out. And I think we've got, especially right now, in these really challenging and uncertain times, from a political standpoint, you know that people are also feeling like, well, it doesn't matter anyway, this place is going to hold a damn basket like, because they're taking in so many negative things that there is a learned helplessness, almost, that they're like, why bother? You know, everyone else is burning, you know, so. And I think we're seeing some of that happening too with people like, you know, I don't know whether it's even, it's not that nobody's coming to save you, but that it's like, literally nobody's coming to save me, like there's a right, no, I think there's an interesting thing happening right now, in the time we're in with certain generations, and because of the in all the input in social media that they're taking in, it feels Like, you know, the world's on fire and there's a lot of difficult stuff going on, but, you know, again, it's the same thing. It's like, okay, how am I going to frame this and work within this framework, even though all of these external things are going on? But I think that's some of what you're seeing, too, with people just kind of like not engaging in life as there's fear and there's uncertainty, and so they're just paralyzed and not doing anything
• 12:23
  John Mitchell: Well. And you know the reality, there are amazingly beautiful things that are going on today, yep. I mean unbelievable, beautiful, wonderful things that are going on this world. But social media is again, we're wired for survival. So it was to show you the negative things. And so that's what people focus on and and I think that the key thing for people to understand, and you don't, you don't hear this in social media, is that you are the problem and you are also the solution. Yep, one thing I've been thinking about, I'm, I don't know because, maybe because I'm all for the summer, I have more time to think, which obviously can be dangerous. But I was thinking about my life, and this also applies to you, I think so I grew up. My dad worked for the government, and we grew up very middle class, and I had a good relationship with my parents, basically, as you know, not great and not bad. Good relationship. They loved me. They gave me all the advantages, but they didn't teach me how to be successful. They were trying to figure it out, like everybody, and I think back on you, your family wasn't wildly successful. Where they say, here's the formula, although I gotta say, your dad, who I have immense respect for, gave you Think and Grow Rich when you were 10, right? Yeah. I mean, no, how good was that? Well, I got nowhere even close to anything like that. But I see that as I got a little older and I, I went out on my own, I'm like, Okay, I'm trying to, I'm I'm going to figure out this, this success thing and and, of course, that starts with understanding what you deem to be success. And I think I thought having enough money so I didn't have to work was success, and finding the woman of my dreams. And so off I go. And now I look at it like, wow, I was blessed to figure it out, to figure out a a formula for creating success. And I'm honored that people take this formula that I created and apply it to their life. But I just look back and I see that
• 14:57
  everything that is in my life today is. I created and and there's, there's virtually nothing bad in my my life. So I created all of this, and I am super proud of it, but I'm also super humbled by it, because I see the struggle that that I went through, and I'm oftentimes, I'm like people, Whoa, you're making this thing so friggin hard. Come on, just open your mind to what I would like to share with you. And some people get it instantly, and that's so gratifying. And some people will never get it. But you know what I'm saying?
• 15:39
  Kelly Hatfield: Oh, totally Yeah. 100% of like, when you when I first heard it, when you were a guest on my podcast all those years ago, like, immediately I was like, oh, you know, this is something different. This is very different from what I've learned before. So, like, you're either somebody who, you know, clicks into that right away, you know, or, you know, and I would say too, that I've got a measured amount of skepticism with anything. Yeah, you know, they're all new or anything along those lines. But as soon as I understood and the science, I was like, it's science, and this is pretty you know what I mean. It's like, I've never applied science to, you know, to improving my circumstances, to learning something new, to changing habits, to anything along those lines, it was so new. And so, yeah, I think you either are somebody who, like, locks into, again, we've talked about this before, too, in terms of just like, being at a point in your life where you're ready to hear, yeah, yeah. And I mean, where you're ready to receive,
• 16:39
  John Mitchell: Right, right? Right? I tell you something that I've been doing that's interesting on podcasts, and I'm now pushing the envelope a little. So I'll go on the podcast, and I'll spend 30 minutes, you know, setting the foundation and explaining how the methodology works, and and, but about the middle of the podcast, or maybe two thirds in, I'll go so the the most significant thing I ever learned in my life was that 95% of my daily thoughts and actions are unconscious and and I'll say to them, I want your audience to have the same epiphany that I've had, and so then I will go to the host, do you believe that? And what happens is the host will either go, wow, I didn't know that. Or they will go, oh, yeah, yeah, I know that. And if they, if they say that, then I go, What are you doing about it? And and they're not doing anything about it. I'm like, do you not connect the dots that were so obvious to me that if your daily actions determine your success, and 95% of them are unconscious, don't you have to gain control over those unconscious daily actions, otherwise, you play the game of 5% of your potential. What don't you get here? And usually I will let that sort of slide, but I don't, and you know, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I'm also understanding that they can legitimately not process the information like I do. But I'm like, you know, if we're going to spend an hour on this podcast, let's, let's make a difference. If we had to have some conflict, let's have some conflict because I, because I want people to get this and and one of the things I have evolved to doing is, once we have that discussion, you either believe it or you don't believe it, then I go, Well, just understand you're you take the action unconsciously, and a millisecond or two later, you become conscious of it. And you just think, erroneously think that you took the action consciously, when, in fact, it was unconscious, and you became aware of it a nanosecond later. And
• 19:05
  then I'll go, now, let's ask chat, GPT, this very question. And I'll go, Chad, is is that really true that 95% of your daily actions are unconscious? And then I ask, Is that really true that you take the action unconsciously and then become aware of it? And I see the power of that when you can bring in a third party to right there in the podcast to verify it. Now, now, what's happening with the audience and maybe with the host is they're hearing it, but they're not fully processing it. They're hearing it, and this is good, but unless I sort of now press the issue by saying to the host, what are you doing about this? Am I. At is you're not doing a frigging thing about it, just like I wasn't either. And once I did something about it, my life was changed. So let's get this or argue. Why? Why you don't get it exactly, yeah, I don't. I know it's fun to sort of go down that road. But one final thing I'll share with you that that's interesting. So Darren Hardy did this great presentation, and I don't know, did I mention this last time about his path for creating the exceptional life?
• 20:33
  Kelly Hatfield: Stop sounding familiar well,
• 20:35
  John Mitchell: And this is, this is important for for everybody. But he was saying that when he was the publisher of Success Magazine. He was probably 40 years old. He interviews Maria Shriver, and he's asked her, What does success mean to you? And she gives him an answer that sort of blows him away and makes him think about what he determines his success. And so he realized that that he had this knowing feeling in his life, keep mind at this time. Point in time he was the publisher of Success Magazine, he had this gnawing feeling that he should be doing something different. Didn't know what it was, but that he there was something else out there, but when he really dug into it, he saw that 90% of what he was doing, what was what he was destined to do, but that other 10% was clouding his judgment about that he was on the right path, And he talks about how most people design their life around their career, and try and fit a life around their career, when in fact, people should design the life they want and then build the career around the life, and also be clear about what's it going to cost to have the lifestyle you want? Because you may not be willing to pay the price for that lifestyle, and a very interesting approach to it. And so he had to sort of revamp his life at probably 4748 years old. And I think that's a lesson to to everybody, is it's and this fits with Mel Robbins statement that no one is going to save you. It's on you to figure out your life and and I think the beauty of our methodology is through using this template, it guides you, step by step, how to figure out your life. And then once you figure it out, then you just feed it to yourself every day. And that then influences the creation of your thoughts, which influences the creation of the right actions. Then the right actions actually creates a life, you will. It's profoundly simple. I think
• 23:02
  Kelly Hatfield: It is. Then that's the, you know, again, we've talked about one of your superpowers being, you know, making something that seems complex.
• 23:09
  John Mitchell: There are so many superpowers. I am, I don't, you know, it's hard to really nail Exactly. This is your top one. This is one of your top ones. I can't even get into something,
• 23:21
  Kelly Hatfield: But it is that simple. That's, I mean, like you're describing it, and it is that simple, and it's just like, please, right? No, take control of your life, you know, and your circumstances, and because nobody is coming to save you, that's a fact.
• 23:37
  John Mitchell: Right, right? Well, think about that when you put your head on the pillow, nobody is going to come save you. You have to save yourself, and we're giving you the way to do it. So until next time, we'll see you.