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The Fuzzy Bears | The Bad Wound Stole Your Permission to Reach · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

• 0:01
  Good morning everyone. Welcome back to unlocking the
• 0:03
  Paradigm portal. My name is Sarah.
• 0:06
  When is the last time you did something purely for the joy of
• 0:10
  it and didn't? Feel guilty afterward.
• 0:13
  Not a little guilty, not the low hum of should I really be doing
• 0:17
  this? Just full, clean, uncomplicated
• 0:22
  joy. No apology attached, no
• 0:24
  justification required. Just this is.
• 0:27
  Good. And I am allowed.
• 0:28
  To have it. And for some of you, that
• 0:31
  answer's easy. That's great.
• 0:33
  That's amazing. Hold on to that.
• 0:35
  And for others. You're already explaining why
• 0:37
  the last good thing you did for yourself was actually fine,
• 0:41
  because you'd finished everything else first.
• 0:43
  Or because you deserved. It after everything you'd been
• 0:46
  through, or because it wasn't that indulgent, really, when you
• 0:50
  think about it, you needed a reason, didn't you?
• 0:54
  And that need for a reason. That reflexive?
• 0:57
  Reaching for justification every time you do something that feels
• 1:00
  good. That's what we're.
• 1:02
  Talking about today. So this is.
• 1:05
  One way the bad wound shows up and before we go anywhere near
• 1:09
  it. As always as.
• 1:11
  I've done all week. I'm going to remind.
• 1:13
  You this is. A judgement free, shame free and
• 1:16
  blame free zone. We are not moving into the
• 1:19
  wound. We are not setting up camp.
• 1:21
  We're going to name it and then spend the rest of this.
• 1:23
  Episode with the part of you that reached.
• 1:25
  For good things before anyone taught you that reaching was
• 1:29
  wrong. Because that child.
• 1:31
  Is still in there and they stopped reaching a long time ago
• 1:34
  and it's time to talk about why so the bad wound is the one
• 1:39
  that. Says I did.
• 1:40
  Something bad, which means I might be bad, which means I have
• 1:44
  to spend the rest of my life proving that I'm not.
• 1:48
  And here's the thing about this wound that makes it so
• 1:51
  insidious. It doesn't.
• 1:52
  Require you to have actually. Done something bad?
• 1:56
  It just. Requires that at some point when
• 1:58
  you are small probably and didn't have the context to
• 2:02
  understand what was happening, you were made to feel like you.
• 2:05
  Had. Maybe it was a punishment that
• 2:08
  was bigger than the mistake, and maybe it was shame delivered
• 2:11
  publicly in front of people when what you needed was a.
• 2:15
  Quiet. Correction and a hand to hold.
• 2:18
  And maybe it was an adult's embarrassment becoming your
• 2:21
  burden to carry. Maybe it was being made to feel.
• 2:25
  That what you. Did reflected something
• 2:27
  fundamental? About who you.
• 2:28
  Were and a child who gets that message in whatever form it
• 2:32
  arrives, learns something that stays in the body long after the
• 2:36
  memory fades. Wanting things is dangerous.
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  Reaching for what feels good might be wrong, and if I can't
• 2:45
  be certain I'm allowed to have it, I better not reach it all.
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  So in everyday. Life it looks like guilt that
• 2:51
  arrives before the. Good thing is even over.
• 2:54
  Taking a day off and spending half of it justifying the rest.
• 2:58
  Apologizing for needs that are completely reasonable.
• 3:02
  Shrinking your wants down to the size of things nobody could.
• 3:06
  Possibly object to. And calling that being low
• 3:09
  maintenance. It looks like.
• 3:11
  Watching other people receive good things easily, rest, joy,
• 3:15
  abundance, pleasure, and feeling a quiet bewilderment.
• 3:19
  How? Do they do that?
• 3:21
  Why does it? Feel so simple for them because
• 3:24
  maybe they weren't taught that reaching was wrong.
• 3:27
  That's the bad wound, that's what it.
• 3:29
  Looks like. And now we're done talking about
• 3:31
  it, because here's who I actually want to talk.
• 3:33
  About today I'm. Actually going to share.
• 3:36
  A little. Personal story when I.
• 3:39
  Realized the. Bad wound implanted in me and
• 3:42
  again, there's no judgement to anyone involved in this.
• 3:46
  But the story is about. A small child.
• 3:49
  In a store. Little enough that the counter
• 3:52
  is at eye level, and on that counter there's a.
• 3:56
  Jar. And in that jar.
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  There are the. Softest.
• 4:00
  Most. Delightful little fuzzy bears.
• 4:02
  That have a pin on the back and that child reaches in and takes
• 4:07
  a few. Not because they're stealing.
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  They don't even have that concept yet.
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  They reach because the bears are soft.
• 4:13
  And wonderful. And even their little hand wants
• 4:16
  to hold them. That's the whole.
• 4:19
  Reason. That's the entire motivation.
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  Just pure, uncomplicated, joyful reaching with no understanding.
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  That it was. Probably not.
• 4:29
  OK. And then someone finds them.
• 4:33
  Emma comes back is shame so big and so public and so wrapped up
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  in someone else's embarrassment that the child doesn't just
• 4:42
  learn that they don't take things from stores, they learn
• 4:49
  that when you reach for something that.
• 4:50
  Feels good? You better be sure you're
• 4:52
  allowed to have it. Because if you're not, the
• 4:55
  consequences are humiliation, and it's your fault.
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  And everyone will know. And decades later, that child
• 5:03
  now grown. A full adult.
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  Now walking into. Every.
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  Store they enter, make sure their hands are visible, make
• 5:11
  sure nothing goes into their bag.
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  Performs innocence in every. Aisle.
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  Just in case. Not because they're a thief, but
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  because their. Body and their mind never
• 5:22
  forgot. What it felt like to reach.
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  For something soft and wonderful and be told that was wrong.
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  That child stopped. Reaching not just in stores for
• 5:32
  a lot of things. Rest.
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  That felt indulgent. Joy that felt selfish.
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  Wanting something just. Because it was.
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  Good. And it was theirs, and they felt
• 5:43
  like having it. The fuzzy Bears.
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  Weren't the last thing that child talked themselves out of
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  reaching? For they were just the first.
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  And that child. That.
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  Reaching, wanting soft things, loving.
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  Part of you has been standing with their hands visible ever
• 6:01
  since, making sure nobody could accuse them of taking something
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  they weren't allowed to have. So here's what.
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  I want you to really feel into right now.
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  That child who reached. Into the jar.
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  What did they? Actually do wrong nothing right.
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  They did nothing wrong. They were small and the world
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  was full of soft, wonderful things, and their hand moved
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  toward one of them. Because.
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  That is what hands do when they belong to a child who hasn't
• 6:30
  been taught yet. That joy requires.
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  Justification They didn't need to be marched back into the.
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  Store they. Didn't need the public shame,
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  they needed someone to get down on their level and say.
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  Those are actually for sale. Little one, we have to put them
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  back and then take their hand and walk them out with their
• 6:50
  dignity intact. That child deserved gentleness
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  and unfortunately they got shame and they've been paying for it
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  ever since. In every good thing, they've
• 7:01
  talked themselves. Out of every rest.
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  They didn't take every time they shrunk down to be more
• 7:07
  acceptable in size. Every moment of joy they cut.
• 7:11
  Short because they. Couldn't quite shake the feeling
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  that they weren't really. Allowed to have it, that child
• 7:18
  deserved to reach. Freely, joyfully, without
• 7:21
  needing a reason beyond this is soft and wonderful and I want to
• 7:26
  hold it, and so do you. The fire that bonfire that has
• 7:31
  been burning through every. Episode this week.
• 7:34
  The bad wound doesn't put it out, it just makes you feel like
• 7:38
  you don't deserve to sit next to it.
• 7:40
  Like warming yourself by your own fire is indulgent somehow.
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  Like the joy of it requires. Justification before.
• 7:48
  You're allowed to feel it like the fuzzy bears.
• 7:52
  Wonderful and soft and right there, and a hand that stops
• 7:56
  itself from reaching because it learned once, an incredibly long
• 8:00
  time ago, that reaching might be wrong.
• 8:03
  But the fire is yours. It was always yours.
• 8:07
  And you never needed anyone's permission to be warmed by it.
• 8:12
  So. How do you come back to the?
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  Part of you that. Reached before they learn not to
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  you start by noticing the guilt before it convinces you of
• 8:20
  anything the next time you do something good.
• 8:23
  For yourself, rest. Joy, pleasure.
• 8:26
  Something purely. Because it feels.
• 8:28
  Good. And you wanted it.
• 8:30
  Notice when the guilt. Arrives.
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  And before it starts building its case.
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  Before it starts. Assembling the justifications
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  you'll need, Just pause and ask. Did I?
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  Actually do something wrong. Or did I just?
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  Reach for something soft and wonderful, and my body
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  remembered what happened long time ago.
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  Because those are two. Completely different things.
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  One requires correction. The other requires.
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  Compassion and then, and this is the part.
• 9:02
  That takes practice. So stay with me, you.
• 9:04
  Talk to that child. The one standing with their
• 9:07
  hands visible in every store they walk into, The one who
• 9:11
  stopped reaching for the fuzzy bears and 100 other things.
• 9:14
  After that you get down on their level and you say you didn't do
• 9:20
  anything wrong that. Day you were.
• 9:22
  Small and the world. Was full of.
• 9:25
  Soft, wonderful things, and your hand moved toward one of them.
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  That's not bad. That's just being alive and
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  curious, and I'm not going to make you stand with your hands
• 9:36
  visible anymore. You're allowed to reach for
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  good. Things.
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  For joy, for rest. For the soft, wonderful things
• 9:45
  that are right there and. Yours to have.
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  You don't need a reason, you don't have to earn it first, you
• 9:52
  don't need to finish everything else before.
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  You're allowed to. Sit by your own fire and just be
• 9:57
  warm. You just need to reach that
• 10:01
  child never stopped wanting to. They just needed someone to tell
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  them it was safe and that someone, the only one who can
• 10:08
  actually. Do it is you.
• 10:12
  So this week we went into 5 wounds, 5 different ways.
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  The fire got managed, hidden, defended, caged and made to feel
• 10:21
  undeserved and through. All of it.
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  Every wound. Every episode.
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  Every. Version of that child learning
• 10:28
  to make themselves smaller. The fire kept burning.
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  It never went out. Not once.
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  That child who reached. Into the.
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  Jar for the. Fuzzy bears, They're still in
• 10:38
  there. They're still.
• 10:39
  Soft. They're still wanting.
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  They're still. Full of the uncomplicated joy of
• 10:43
  reaching for things that feel good.
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  Just because they. Feel good, they just need you to
• 10:50
  tell them they're. Allowed.
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  So tell them you're allowed to reach.
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  You're allowed. To be warm, you're.
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  Allowed to sit. By your own fire and feel.
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  Good about it. Without a single reason beyond
• 11:02
  this is mine and it's enough and I'm not putting my hands in my
• 11:08
  pockets anymore. And yes, that is legitimately an
• 11:12
  actual story that happened. And for such a seemingly small
• 11:16
  moment it has stuck with me. And I didn't realize until I had
• 11:20
  taken Quinn shopping a few years ago and I went to reach into my
• 11:25
  bag for something and I immediately.
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  Felt this. Overwhelming guilt and was like
• 11:31
  looking around like I was going to get caught and I actually
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  made a big dramatic presentation of like pulling my phone out and
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  I thought about it in that moment because I happened to be
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  aware enough to catch it after doing a shit ton of shadow work
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  and lots of inner core wounding and realizing where it came
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  from. And there again, no judgement,
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  shame, blame, anything for the person who freaked out when they
• 12:00
  found these little bears in my pocket in the car and made me go
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  back in. But I truly didn't know.
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  And I can still see that bear in my mind and remember the.
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  Feel of it. And remember the total
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  embarrassment that I had stolen something, even though it that
• 12:15
  wasn't what I was intending and I didn't realize it.
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  So I'm wondering if any of you can remember a moment like that
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  that you've had, whether it was something tied to that or a
• 12:25
  moment that you just felt like you had done something so wrong
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  and you must be so bad for it. And it again, not something
• 12:34
  huge. Sometimes it's something very
• 12:35
  small. So I'm going to take tomorrow
• 12:39
  off and I'm definitely interviewing Quinn.
• 12:43
  My inner child is going to interview my child, and I'm
• 12:47
  going to do my damnedest to. Get Brody to be a part of it.
• 12:50
  We'll see if he's willing. So have an amazing Friday and
• 12:56
  keep tapping into that child. Don't live in the wounds.
• 13:00
  The wounds are there. You know logically why they're
• 13:02
  there. You know where they come from
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  most likely. You know how they're showing up.
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  And the problem is the more that you keep coming back to that and
• 13:11
  forget about the secondary component of connecting back to
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  that kiddo inside of you who needs to be soothed, you're
• 13:18
  missing that crucial part of getting out of that rut.
• 13:23
  So stay with me. We're going to do more next week
• 13:26
  and Sunday. This is going to be fun.
• 13:28
  I'm excited to bring Quinn back. All right.
• 13:31
  Have a great day, I will. Be back on Sunday.