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Showing Up When You Have Nothing Left? · The Ethnos360 Podcast

• Ethnos360: I had prayed and read the Bible and tried to like be anxious for nothing and yet something just felt wrong. I had asked Cody, how are you able to find that like happy, silly place for him when all of that was crashing over us? And he was like, I didn't know how much time we had. I wanted to just cherish him. And that became a little bit of a motto for me to just sit with you know really hard things God's marked out for you to walk through. And he made you to show up in those things, he's gonna show up with you, and it's a good story. Welcome friends to the Ethnos three sixty podcast, where we talk about vital topics, have honest conversations, and unpack the Great Commission. This episode is part of the series we call Real People, Real Stories. We hope you can see and hear your own story in today's conversation and be reminded that God is going to be as faithful with you as He has been with our guests. Hey guys, welcome back to our part two with Becca Burns. We're gonna pick up where we left off in Papua New Guinea. Take us back to Papua New Guinea. Okay, so Cody, Avashai, and I arrived in Papua New Guinea. And being an island, it was sort of naturally protected from COVID for a while, which is why there were so many restrictions. They're trying to keep a a country with little medical infrastructure safe from this virus that is causing a lot of damage worldwide. And ⁓ so what happened was COVID had been going on the entire year before. And about one year later, right when we arrived in PNG, is when COVID struck PNG anyway. ⁓ So there was a lot of lockdown. We had to stay within the fence on our campus. Didn't want to any anything to go across either way. People living outside, people living inside, how many groups, like groups of what sizes we're meeting, that was all restricted. ⁓ And We met the troublesome challenge of how do we learn language? ⁓ but one neat thing is it started with Cody had already had it. And they started with getting special permission for people who had already had it to have different access. ⁓ and then it it grew to all right, your group, we can't have our national workers. inside the base during this ⁓ inside the campus during this sort of restricted climate within the country. We're trying to keep everybody safe. How can we get you guys exposure to practice the language? And what they were able to do for just our small group of people going through orientation in the country and learning culture and language was we were able to go out. And go to the village across the street. And so those were just sweet memories and really a very different version of like it was less classroom. It was more out in the coffee garden, out in the river doing clothes and washing clothes and washing dishes and ⁓ weaving beelums or or bags and the the guys got to make bows and arrows and pan for gold and just got to see their life and many of their ⁓ activities in their local context and just build relationships with those men and women that we live next door to. ⁓ our our language did really well. We so enjoyed that learning opportunity. It was this like blessing in disguise ⁓ that we just got a very different experience. ⁓ and I think It's been neat in the years that have passed seeing my coworkers who are in that same group with me, the relationship they have with their the either their employees, their co-workers working even we have national employees that work at the hangar. And I've just watched the Lord build an ability to relate to each other, communicate with each other, work through hairy issues when there's misunderstandings in a different way. I think because he gave us the experience of getting to know them. ⁓ and not just how do I speak to you, yeah, but who are you and who am I? And there's a lot more our our relationships and friendships aren't that fragile. Yeah. ⁓ when there's effort put into getting to know who you are. So that was a really sweet time. ⁓ then when we finished language, ⁓ Cody began flight simulator training. To prepare for infield Kodiak training. ⁓ he'd checked off on Cessnes in McNeil, Arizona. At that time, we did not yet have a Kodiak to training. I don't believe we do now. I think we have a simulator, but they didn't get a whole lot of time in that plane. They just did the flight mechanics of how do you fly in this sort of climate, weather, et cetera. And then he would have a process of learning to fly the plane as well as getting to know the radios and our airstrips there in Papua Nickenie. ⁓ So he started in flight simulator trading. We got pregnant with our second baby. Okay. knowing the first pregnancy had been really challenging, I had shipped a lot of the medications that had been used to manage my pregnancy. But unfortunately, there was this little incident called the Suez Canal and our shipping container didn't arrive. So Our doctors and clinic there on the base did the best they could with what they had to take care of me and they did a phenomenal job, but I really, really struggled. ⁓ especially with a two year old who needed me. Yeah. I was I was very ill and I could not meet his or my family's needs or really my own much of the time. how many months in did you get pregnant? ⁓ you started to get sick. Yeah, I believe I believe six months in. and we tried to manage it there up until 17 weeks. 17 weeks we were past that first trimester. It was clear this is gonna progress, much like your other pregnancy. I was having some pretty fast heart rates. I was in the clinic twice a week for Ivy fluids. ⁓ I agree I couldn't walk ⁓ to the clinic. So I remember that was a sweet thing, one of the families there that had a Golf cart would come and pick me up and take me to the clinic because I couldn't make it up the hill without going into throwing up movement. It was something that made it very difficult to manage. ⁓ at that time, Derek and LaShawn Dobbs were on the field in Papua New Guinea in a member care role. And I remember them and ⁓ Angie Copley as well, coming alongside me many times and just sitting with me while I was nauseous and miserable and just. just loving me and being with me and that was just so impactful. ⁓ and then those little things, people made us meals, people took Obby to story time at the library. ⁓ our friends we had gone through training with ⁓ and really the whole the whole group there at Lopylo ⁓ at our campus, they just they took incredible care of our family. ⁓ but there came a point that our doctors made the judgment call. This is not something we can continue to manage in an overseas context. You need to go back to the US and ⁓ get the care you need. Australia's borders were closed at the time. So I couldn't really seek care there. and that was the encouragement. ⁓ they were training a few of the other pilots at the time. Cody was actually online to do in-plane training. So it was good timing. They were like he's helping out doing maintenance in the shop, but we can afford for you to go, like you really can go take care of your family, get better, come back when you're doing okay. Okay. ⁓ that was heart wrenching for me. I I was so determined to just see that I'm like, I know it's it's bad. It's hard, but I've lived through it before. I can get through I just gotta wait it out, have this baby, and then this life we worked so hard for, we can Go back into it and plus those six planes on the way over. I was like, I don't know how, I don't know how to get through all the travel to get home. ⁓ my gosh. ⁓ but we loaded up on nausea medication. They gave me a couple bags of IV fluid right before going to the airport to try to just give my system a little extra to t me through. I made it six hours to Singapore, but the plane was very shaky. And when I tried to walk up the ramp, the vomiting started and I couldn't get it to stop. ⁓ so they had a I we had checked ahead to try to get wheelchairs at each of the airports that we needed to travel through because I just could not tolerate being upright and ⁓ they for some reason that just fell through the cracks at every airport. So it was sort of a we just Inch by inch worked through how do I get from one gate to the next. they did try to take me to a hospital in Singapore. ⁓ but I was like I'm just gonna end up stuck here. Like there's a there's an ob in the States in her office ready to receive me with what the care I need. And like the baby's not in danger. Like I just have to get through a really miserable couple days. But I can make it to those fluids and then I'll be okay. Then I'll have definitive care. If I get stuck here, I still have to somehow figure out that travel. Let's just get through it. And so the gay agent was like, Okay. If you can hide how nauseous you are to get on the plane, I'll let you through. And I was like, there's emesis bags everywhere in that thing. How many people are using them? I can use I can use a lot of emissus bags. Yeah, like people puke on planes. I'm not I don't have an infection that's gonna spread to anyone. I'm just pregnant and really struggling with it. So let me on the plane, let me get home. And he did. ⁓ we boarded, so we're happy we didn't get stranded in Singapore. We boarded and made it through Qatar, Boston or New York. I don't remember. There was ⁓ employee that like loaded me onto a wheelchair and ran for his life to help us make our flight. He was amazing. He helped us make a flight, even if it was like in a different terminal and all this stuff. We made it to Florida. My OB was waiting. She ran three bags of IVs in and was like, let's get you some help. And ⁓ that that was huge. We were able to get ⁓ a pump that helped infuse nausea medication all the time and just start ramping up my care to match ⁓ what was needed to help me in the baby thread. ⁓ during that time, I'll try to move through this. There were, I call it sort of an avalanche of unwanted surprises over the next few years. ⁓ we continue to have a lot of challenges. As I went through that pregnancy, ⁓ I they were able to recognize I was also having heart arrhythmias. ⁓ the arrhythmia I had ⁓ is one that makes us in the medical community a little edgy. ⁓ so they admitted me to the ICU to get ⁓ to just trial which medications would be safe for the baby, but also control my heart arrhythmias and it I was eventually released after five days. once they were able to place a monitor in my chest wall so that they could watch my arrhythmias remotely and then fitted me with a vest that could do a defibrillation if needed. And that was my compromise with the doctor so that I could go home and not stay in the hospital. ⁓ so the rest of that pregnancy was really, really challenging. ⁓ we were sort of displaced. ⁓ I I had I remember looking up how many more days early in the pregnancy and it was over 200 and I was like, that was the wrong question to ask. It was very much a like day by day. Imagine food poisoning. But then this is your normal for a while. So how do you just How do you take what bandwidth you have to show up in the relationships around you? And then wait for sleep when you're not feeling how you feel. And it was, those are really dark and hard time for me. Made it to delivery. They had me come back to the ICU for that delivery so that ⁓ if anything went sideways, they were ready to intervene. My second son Benaya was born ⁓ and his delivery went well and he looked beautiful. Great newborn exam. So we were able to be discharged. I was able, again, like as soon as you're through the pregnancy, deliver that placenta, the nausea lifts, because it's responsible, releases proteins that make you make you feel really crummy. And I was able to come off all the medication and I'm like, finally, we're gonna slam this chapter shut and go back to our real life. ⁓ done with that. And ⁓ so I got him home. I was I've done newborn days, they're hard, but I can't get through them. And he needs to be a couple months old, so he's strong enough to go back to PNG. But I was very much laser focused. And sorry I disrupted ⁓ everything, guys. We'll we'll get back. Cody will be able get back to training. ⁓ we're we're good now. ⁓ but ⁓ a couple of days into getting Vinaya home, he stopped wanting to eat. ⁓ And his doctor and I were sort of putting our heads together trying to figure out how to help him gain weight. And then his eyes began to tremor. ⁓ and he he just had something that made his eyes bounce up and down. And it wouldn't happen all the time, but every once in a while they just tremor. And they call the eyes the window to the brain. So I didn't know what was going on. But I know when you have a weird symptom like that, it merits checking out. I took him to the hospital. They said, well, it it might just be a congenital thing. Follow up with neurology. It takes a couple months to get in with pediatric neurology in our area. ⁓ and they went ahead and discharged him and said, We don't wanna we don't wanna scan such a little baby and put him through all this testing. So I went home trying to rest with, okay, someone looked at it, they think it's okay, we'll just follow up in a while. ⁓ but then they began to worsen and He slept more and more often and he used to is sleeping like twenty-one hours a day and just no appetite and his eyes tremored more and more often. So finally I got to a point he caught a fever, and that was really like the tipping point for me. It not that I was worried so much about the fever itself, but just that he didn't seem to be doing well. And I had prayed and read the Bible and tried to like be anxious for nothing and yet something just felt wrong. ⁓ and I couldn't ⁓ I couldn't settle. It felt like he needed help. So we went to the children's hospital. ⁓ they admitted him and did some scans and found that he has hydrocephalus, which is ⁓ more fluid than normal in the brain. among several other brain abnormalities and challenges. ⁓ this has sort of been Benaya, the name means built by Yahweh. And I think that is a truth the Lord knew I would need to repeat over and over that here is this little baby, brand new, and there's a lot of things that didn't form normally. And he his life is going to require a lot of help. ⁓ but I was alone when they came. and told me the list of things they had found on his scan. And ⁓ I remember feeling like I don't know what to do because I want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. But I can't make this okay. I think if I pick you up and look into your face, I will scream and that will startle you. So I was at lost, show up and be the mom that he needed and sit with the information I'd been given and listen to the neurosurgeons and the neurologists. Discuss was he strong enough to survive the surgery? But Cody came. He was he just took him a minute once we had we'd been admitted for a day or two and he was watching Obby and then when they came and brought results, I called him, but it's an hour drive and he had to drop Abby off. He came in and scooped Boniah up and just bounced him and sang a happy song and sang him a lullaby. And that moment is like just such a sweet moment for me because Cody was able to show up and and just be in that parent mode and I was able to just go under for a little bit. ⁓ but Banaya was able to look in the face of someone that was just happy to thank you, happy to see him. And I'd asked Cody, what ⁓ how are you able to find that like happy silly place for him when all of that was crashing over us? And he was like, I didn't know how much time we had. I wanted to just cherish him. so what the team at the hospital landed on was there's a medicine that's not usually effective in controlling how much fluid. ⁓ is pressing on the brain, but ⁓ it can sometimes slow it down and give us a stop gap for him to get a little stronger before surgery. And so they opted to put him on this medicine. And over the next few days his eye tremors stopped and he started having an appetite and he started being awake and Thus began a year of let's do a scan in two weeks, let's do a scan in two months, let's do a scan in four months, let's do a scan in six months, and we walked through a year of just waiting and watching to see what he would need. ⁓ in many ways we're still there. ⁓ his condition, it can look different with different people, but ⁓ did he ever have surgery? Did that He had other ones. He didn't, he's not yet had brain surgery. And that is one of those wow god things. ⁓ his doctor said he's ⁓ he has only seen three patients in his whole career who have stabilized without surgical intervention. ⁓ it's never a like we're out of the woods, we have to keep watching, but he is at an age now that sitting with that possibility, he's the outcomes are much better at this age. So that's been it's been a good relief. And thank you for asking. I should kind of get stuck in the we didn't know then, would he? Would he? Would he's new surgery. Yeah. ⁓ When we when they were discharging us, they gave me a packet of like seven specialist appointments to schedule neurosurgery, neurology, ophthalmology, ⁓ genetic testing. ⁓ he had an unfollow-up imaging for something they thought they'd seen on his kidney. He just had various things and conditions they needed to check out to find out what what he would need. And I remember how heavy that packet of paper felt. And looking at him and trying to figure out how to go home and where home was. And the hospitalist came and sat with me and I was just like, I don't know what to do. Like I know nobody who gets this news knows what to do, but we don't live here. We we live in Papua New Guinea. And I thought we were gonna be going back. And now this has happened and I don't even know I don't know what he needs. They don't know what he needs. How am I supposed to know what he needs? And she just quietly sat with me and said, children change everything. And I I know you guys can do a lot for him, but you can't do everything. And I don't know what you're going to be able to do, but just plan to take this year. Figure out where to stay for this year and stay close. These kids can go either way. And I think if you can push back that planning, yeah. ⁓ that's gonna free you up to just enter in how he needs, and then you'll you'll learn as you go what is possible for your family. Yeah. So I remember her just being a kindness and a just so gentle to really engage with what was falling apart for me. Not just like my child is sick, but ⁓ I don't know what my life looked like in morning. ⁓ so we got him home. ⁓ he he has had ⁓ areas he just shines and other areas where he's really struggled. ⁓ he's had different surgeries for different things. ⁓ has not yet had the brain surgery. He's gone off of that medicine and now he's back on it. He's on medicine for migraines as well. ⁓ he's had sleep issues and needed speech therapy and he's needed early steps intervention and lots and lots of imaging. ⁓ it's been a journey to walk alongside Benaya and take care of him. And ⁓ I had a meeting with his teacher who does his pre K E S E yesterday and she said, Vinaya is a joy to have in the classroom and he's so spicy and he really is. He just I d I watch people fall in love with him everywhere he goes. And ⁓ I don't know what his story will hold. But shortly after he was born, I listened to an author named Catherine Wolfe speak. And she had a brainstem stroke when she was 23, when she had a six-month-old baby, and has a lot of understanding for things we can't control, disrupting what we thought our life would be in really permanent ways. ⁓ But she said. I always tell my kids, God made you for the hard things in the good story he's writing for your life. And when I tell them, I tell myself too. And that became a little bit of a motto for me to just sit with there are really hard things God's marked out for you to walk through. And He made you to show up in those things. He's gonna show up with you, and it's a good story. Hang in there, this is still a good story. Has has any of this made you guys just be like or ever have you ever considered like, man, just missions, we gotta step out of this. Like as a whole, 'cause now I know like you are still serving. Yeah. I like was there ever a time when you were just like, All right, we need to just give up on this dream altogether? Whether you know, obviously Papua New Guinea dream is different, but just like all together. I think many times we felt we would have to and we we looked a lot at okay, what are our other skills? Like what do what is gonna be needed? ⁓ I think there's definitely a special sort of soul searching that happens when you you sacrifice and offer your life to serve the Lord and then it unravels. We I had a lot of hard questions and still do in the did you not want it? Was it not good? I think as I've watched now having had some time since to see what the Lord was weaving together, ⁓ I see his goodness in and his presence in these really, really hard situations. I I think I I was so out of my depth for a long time there. ⁓ and I know there there were years where Cody continued to serve. We moved over to the homes of Ethnos 360, which is a retirement community we have to care for our retired missionaries. And we joke that We served overseas for eight months and then moved to the retirement home with the shortest missionary career ever. ⁓ but ⁓ Cody was able to use his mechanic skills in the garage there to serve that team. And I was just sort of full time on trying to care for my kids ⁓ and one in particular who had a lot of needs. ⁓ so I in a in a way. It became very clear I tried to do VBS that year and I just kept breaking down. And it I needed to pull back in a lot of ways, and that was very scary. What does it mean if this is my purpose and I don't have it to offer? but I think in that the Lord has been teaching me, I am still working when you are spent. And I do things in those dark seasons, like there is good growth, downward growth happening. in seasons where you can't produce. ⁓ there is a study I heard about, I think with redwood trees. Okay. Where they wanted to see like naturally these trees winter and whatever their I'm gonna sound I'm not gonna sound knowledgeable describing this, but that's okay. Whatever their leaves or fruit are, right? And I don't know if it's the right tree, they winter and they don't produce for a season. And then it comes back out in spring. And scientists wanted to know given the right ingredients, could you do it year round? So they injected the tree form of adrenaline into these trees and it worked. And all year round they kept producing fruit and leaves. And then they all died within a year. And Sitting with that visual, I think we are very similar to those trees. Yeah. But we don't have a God who drives us to burn ourselves out and die on the inside while we continue serving and offering to Him. I think it would be very normal in our varied stories of entering into full-time ministry to hit a wall and wonder, I can't offer what's being asked of me here. Did I get it wrong? Am I even supposed to be here at all? ⁓ and we certainly had those questions. I think for me it it looked a lot like a fight with myself, one part of me screaming at the other to get up and keep going, and the other part just collapsing and having nothing to nothing to offer anyone. It was really scary. ⁓ I think it took an ICU bed for me to see God had it when I went limp. He kept providing, he kept working, he kept blessing and ministering to people. I felt like I failed my team because they were spread thin and that's why they sent us. And then I get sick and we pull one of the pilots out of the mix and they're having to work with a skeleton crew for this big, big need. And I feel like the Lord just even through their voices sometimes challenged me with like, am I sufficient? Yeah. Am I sufficient for their needs? Do they need you or do they need me? We say we're shorthanded, but is his hand short? Doesn't when we have a huge army, doesn't he say, if I send you with this many men, you will say to yourself, My own hand has delivered me, so you need to send thousands of them home. Send more home because you need to depend on me. And I think in some deep layer, I didn't understand he really had he had it. He had me. And I get the joy and privilege of participating in what the Lord is doing. But I also get rest. And we need that, especially when we're recovering or we're hurt. We have a shepherd that leads us to rest. And he uses that time in the dark, in the resting to teach us about himself. And to teach us to depend on him so that as we walk forward into fruitful seasons, we realize this is not my fruit. I am not pushing this out. Like this is this is the Lord producing his fruit as I move out of the way and allow him through me to be himself. Like that life of Christ in us is not something we strive for, it's something we yield to. So I think my understanding of what missions is changed a bit. ⁓ and the second version I definitely want to continue to be a part of. I think I'm all done with the first version. Don't say that. ⁓ not in the like in form, not in going overseas, whatever the Lord asks, right? But in the sh in the sense of I will serve I will show up and reach down reach people groups and And I will give to the Lord. I love the first. Is it okay if I read a verse? Yeah, a hundred percent. In ⁓ first chronicles. 29. David has a prayer of praise as they dedicate all the materials the people have gathered for the temple. And he says, Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things. Wealth and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and at your discretion people are made great and given strength. O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name. But who am I? And who are my people that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us. We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land, as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace. O Lord our God, even this material we have gathered to build a temple, to honor your holy name, comes from you. It all belongs to you. And yeah, thank you. I would like To see Our materials, our skills, our gifting, our training, like to realize, man, I bring this to build something important. And it's good that I do so. But it came from you, and at your discretion, people are given strength, or they're not. And if I am not strong right now, your power works best in weakness. You do more in our weak and shaky moments than in our strong ones. ⁓ so that that's sort of my I know it's a roundabout answer to that question. To explain what came next, after Benaya's birth, ⁓ they continued to manage my heart condition. ⁓ and then Cody got appendicitis, my dad was diagnosed with ⁓ a form of cancer, my mom broke her foot, my mother-in-law Had ⁓ pulmonary embolism, clots in her lungs, had to go to the hospital. And my father-in-law needed a pacemaker within the span of a few months. And then I lost feeling in my hands and feet. And I thought it was stress. But I had that good OB who had watched me and she was like, Don't you ignore stuff. Let's get an MRI and make sure you don't have something else going on. They later learned I had a copper deficiency, and with treating that. they were able to resolve the neuropathy, which is its own like amazing thing. But on that MRI, they learned I had a tumor growing ⁓ in my neck and head, just behind my jaw, but under not inside my brain, but under my skull. And it was in a very tricky location. So nobody felt comfortable getting a biopsy to decide whether it was malignant or benign. Nobody wanted to do surgery on it. ⁓ because the surgery was too risky. And so they were like, Okay, just ⁓ we're just gonna watch it every year. Okay. And then ⁓ when it starts to become troublesome, we'll see if radiation will help. And I was like, Yep. Right. I ⁓ am not someone who would benefit from more watching and waiting between stamps. I have enough of that in my current life and would we could we distribute this to and so the Lord and I had conversations that year. And I was like, you picked the wrong personality to have a tumor growing in my head. I am worried when there's no reason to be worried. I am not the right person. This is not what I need. And isn't it funny when we tell the Lord what we need? Yeah. I just did not, I my plate was so full, and everyone around me was in trouble and I couldn't be enough for any of it. And then here I am with something. Something growing that I can't get rid of. And ⁓ so I decided, well, if you have to stay, you will have a name. Named my tumor Romulus after the last ruler of the Roman Empire who lost all his territory to the barbarians. I was like, I will name you to lose territory. But I remember a few months later, I felt like this would just Constantly fill my days and how would I focus on anything? But a friend's husband lost his job and I was sitting in her living room praying with her. And she turned to me and said, How are you even doing this when you've got your own, like you have a tumor growing in your head? And I was I do. And the Lord did by his grace. Provide for me to be able to set it aside. And that was not something I thought I could grow to do, but he can grow us up into the head, which is Christ, right? He he can take if I can learn, anybody can. And that that is a little bit of the journey he has had me on in this wave after wave. Cody began having daily intense headaches. And that went on for about a year and a half before we were able to get a diagnosis. He now is on a series of medications that are giving him better control of his symptoms. But everybody kept getting sick and the hits just kept coming. And it was wave after wave. And I was like, You promise peace. Where is the still waters? Where are the green pastures? I have nowhere to lay down and rest. And He began to show me in his word these verses about shelter. ⁓ I had a young teenager who'd lost her cat come to me and say, Will you sit with me? I'm trying to work through something. What is the joy of the Lord? Like I get it. I know what the joy of the Lord is, but I don't know how to have it while my cat's missing. And I was like, who are you gonna be when you grow up? But and she grew up to be for someone pretty incredible. But ⁓ we sat down, I was like, let's ask the Lord to teach us. Let's just get into the word together. Let's look up joy of the Lord and see what the theme teaches us as we see it over and over in the Word of God. And as we worked through several different verses, what we came up with was the joy of the Lord had this version. of it that showed up alongside suffering, storm, danger, trial. It showed up in other places, but it often showed up right there. And our working definition that we came up with was the joy of the Lord is the delight and relief upon discovering desperately needed shelter and finding it adequate. As I wrestled with God and I think part of walking authentically with a God we could never wrap our brains around is wrestling. As I wrestled with him about where where is that peace that passes understanding? Because people keep asking me, didn't you just have this peace that passes understanding when they gave you your baby's diagnosis? And my answer was, No. I thought he was gonna die and I was scared out of my mind and didn't have that. And so, Lord, if you're if your word is true, why didn't I have it? Why do other people have it? And I can't find it when I need it so badly. And I think When we come to the Lord with those laments and those questions, often his answer is, Come along, let me teach you. And that's what he did. ⁓ a year later, I went for a follow-up scan of my tumor. And I thought they'd just be like, Here it is, this is the size, we'll see you next year, and we'll radiate it when we have to. But the resident who was looking over the chart looked at me and said, You ready to get this out? And I said, They told me it was an opera bowl. And she said, ⁓ well, that surgeon retired right after he saw you. Want me to ask after Perges? So he came in and he said, I don't even know what to tell you. It would be like there's significant morbidity that comes with this surgery. And you would have to decide on your own risks and benefits. It's it's not something you're gonna get away with not treating, but you might have a couple years before we have to do Something about it. You could delay your surgery till then, but it's the smallest it'll ever be. We can go for it, but you may end up having significant nerve damage on the left side of your face. You might not be able to feel it or move it or control your drool or speak clearly. Those are things that you have to sit with. ⁓ and I couldn't think straight for about a week. ⁓ and I just made chicken nuggets and passed them to kids and looked over their heads somewhere in the distance. And then I was like, the surgical opening was 49 days from that first appointment. And I was like, enough. I can't live this way for 49 days. Lord, I am getting slaughtered. You promised that overwhelming victory is ours in Christ Jesus. You have to show me how to have it. If I have to walk through 49 days anticipating this surgery and I don't know if they'll find cancer and I don't know how the surgery will go and I don't know if I'll be able to move my face or how I'll look. If I have to go through all that, can you use it as a training ground to teach me how to deal with my fear? And all God's promises in Christ are a resounding yes. And ⁓ this is not to say I don't deal with fear now. But man has he given me growth in understanding how to use what he has given us in Christ. He taught me and met me and walked with me through his word, teaching me to rehearse. Here's a promise. Say it out loud. There's a book I read called Disarming Anxiety by Gerald Brown. It was excellent. It says all the things we already know, but he just called me to the carpet and told me to believe it. He was like, see if you don't bring all your cares and worries to the Lord, if he doesn't, open the floodgates of his peace and guard your heart. But this is a conditional promise. You have to tell him. You have to ask. You have to invite it. And you have to believe. And so I brought these things over and over, and his peace entered in, and I was able to color with my kids. And make meals and enter in with other people. My neighbor, I think a week before surgery, came up to me and was like, Okay, where are you burying it? Where is this? Because I know what you're facing in a few days and you just seem chill. And that is the first time in my life anyone has ever accused me of being chill. That's not Becca Ba at baseline, but Becca in Christ. Can be chill as he enters in and supplies what I do not have. And he did that, not with Vinaya, I had not learned it. But walking through that surgery, and I kept thinking, it's gonna the the bolts are gonna come off and the wheels are gonna come apart on this thing, and I'm gonna be wheeling back and suddenly be like, No, no, no, I want life, I choose life. But it didn't happen. Like I just my surgeon came in and checked how I was doing, and I was like, you know, this seems like it might be a tricky surgery. How can I pray for you? And I got to just sit with him and pray for him going through that surgery. ⁓ I just prayed for the Lord to show off. And then rolling all the way back and going under anesthesia, that piece held. And then when I woke up, I could still smile. I could still talk. ⁓ my you wake up and fall asleep a lot after anesthesia. So my poor nurse got to hear that a lot. And ⁓ they were able to spare my entire facial nerve. They were able to remove the tumor. It tested benign. ⁓ it's one of those unknowns that this type can tend to recur and it can transform to malignant. So I have I continue to live with scans for Benaia and for myself. And it is my own special tutelage under the Lord that because we do not lean on our own understanding. I do not have to know for him to make my path straight. He knows. And he can fix things I cannot fix and doctors cannot fix. And sometimes he chooses to, and sometimes he asks us to wait. And sometimes walking with him hurts really bad. And then I have to fight again with you want me to trust you, but I know the sorts of things like it is our privilege to suffer for Christ. I know that a walk with you is a mud run. It is full of obstacles and difficulty. And you say so. You t promise that it's going to be difficult. And yet you promise that you're going to be sufficient and you're going to be with me. And so that's the that's the ongoing battle and rest, turbulence and peace of walking and yielding as new challenges that are too hard for me hit me. And I have to come back to you've got to give me victory. You have to fight my battle because left to myself, I do not win. ⁓ as we came up on Benaya's third year, and his case has just continued to fluctuate with what he's needed. Cody and I sat in the stillness. We went camping and we asked Lord. Our life is yours. Like it's on the altar. We want to serve you, but we can't push this boulder up the hill and make PNG happen. ⁓ we had already gotten things and paperwork ready. I think four times we'd like, ⁓ it's looking stable enough. I think we can go. And something had fallen apart or a new diagnosis had come out or someone got worse. And we just kept needing care. And it's been a a journey for me to understand it's okay to need care. ⁓ But we sat in the stillness and we asked, Lord, if you're not doing that, will you show us what you are doing? And as we started to ask that question, this position with member care or missionary care sort of unfolded little by little. ⁓ there are still a lot of unknowns, but our heart is we put a lot of investment and training into be doing to be able to do a role that's really important. And the Lord has seen fit. To give us some weakness to steward that prevents us from entering in the way we thought. I have battled over the investment and the waste. It has felt like waste. But as I brought that to the Lord, I feel like you really challenged me. I want you to look at the three years of hospitals and appointments and struggle and pain and suffering and disappointment and loss. And I want you to see that I have been giving you a different sort of training. And it's just harder to call it that because you didn't sign up for it knowing what the class would be. But I have equipped and trained you for how I want to use you. And if you're open to it, I'll lead you into that. ⁓ so we would love to build a place ⁓ where missionaries who are coming home after a long hard term or coming home unexpectedly, dealing with that. special soul searching of why is this coming apart? I gave everything for people who need you, Lord. Like why would you not bless and prosper this, right? Sickness, illness, ⁓ loss, all the things that can come up and do come up normally as we walk out our human life in this fractured world. ⁓ I would love to sit with people and Cody also feels this pull to sit with people in that heartache the way the Lord sent people to sit with us. And so that is some of what we're learning to do. We're still in training in this role. We're starting to care for some couples. ⁓ And we're looking for not just to lean into how would you use what we have walked through and how you've showed up for us to Provide that ministry of presence and comfort when people are wrestling with things that there are no good answers to or answers that we don't have. Yeah. Heavy questions, hard laments. ⁓ we would also like to prepare a place that is quiet and allows people to be still with the Lord without a ton of demand or attention. Yeah. When they are in those vulnerable and raw stages of processing how life has changed. Yeah. ⁓ so that's some of our goal. And I don't know that's beautiful. What the Lord will do, but we've bought some property that's got some creeks and some forest. We're planning to move up next month into that town. And as the Lord sees fit to provide, we'd like to build a place not only for our own family, but a guest house or cabin for people to come. And rest. And ⁓ if they need debrief, if they need someone just to listen, if they need to be left alone and just have groceries dropped off, they need to chop wood really aggressively. Just to that's that's our heart to just show up in the in as who we are and who the Lord has shaped us to be and to let him love on and comfort people. One of the verses, I'll read one more if that's okay. Yep, one more and then ⁓ wrap up. Yeah. This has been a little bit of a life for us since some of our challenges. ⁓ second Corinthians one All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. I think we often hear where sin abounded, grace abounded even more. But this is my where suffering abounded, comfort abounded even more. And I don't have that to give, but the Lord does. He does have it to give. And I am not what people need, but he is what they need. And as we come to him, he will show up and be with us in our suffering. And he will comfort us with something that is more than our suffering. And he promises Not that our troubles are light, but in comparison to the weight of what he's promised, they're light because it's more. He is a God who gives more, even when he asks us to let go of things that are really special to us and precious. Yeah. So that's my I want to thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing all of this raw, hard things that you guys have gone through. And it's amazing to see. ⁓ I love that. your desire has become to help other people who are, you know, all of I mean God uses everything and it's that's great. So thank you so much for your time and for coming there and can't wait to see what God does through your ministry going forward. Thank you. Thank you sharing. Appreciate you guys thank you for investing the time to listen to today's episode. It's our prayer that what you heard causes you to think more about your next step as a believer who understands the Great Commission. If this was encouraging to you Please take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. We don't take the privilege of your time lightly, and if we can help answer any questions this episode may have raised in your minds, feel free to reach out to us at podcast at ntm.org or you can contact us via our socials. And finally, this podcast is a production of Ethnos 360, All Rights Reserved.