Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1253 - Teen Girls Explain the Mental Health Gender Gap

Transcript

#1253 - Teen Girls Explain the Mental Health Gender Gap · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Data continues to point to our young women, our girls,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: our daughters struggling when it comes to mental health. Brand
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: new research from the UK puts a bright red line
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: under this continuing trend by asking girls what they think
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: is going on and the answers are concerning. Hello and
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: welcome to a Doctor's Desk episode of the Happy Families
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: podcast Real Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Brand new data that's just been released from the University
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: of Manchester. They did a study asking teen girls directly
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: about the causes of the rising anxiety and the low
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: mood that we're seeing in our young women. And I
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: mean I talk about this in my book Misconnection. They
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: raised several key issues. We're going to talk about four
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: of them. Narrow gender expectations, intense academic pressure, peer comparison
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: and conflict, and social media pressures. But our girls are
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: struggling from a mental health point of view.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Girls are seeing these mental health issues as normal, right,
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: It's just normal part of life.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they are.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Should we be worried that poor mental health is actually
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: being normalized?
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Ye? Completely. And this is a tricky one because we're
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: parents of teenage girls, and we have conversations consistently with
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: our children about what will help them to overcome their
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: anxieties or their low mood or whatever it is. We'll say,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: being outside, being a nature, being with friends, moving your body,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: getting enough sleep, minimizing a screen time. Like we have
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: these conversations with our own daughters, and how much do
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: they listen to us?
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Like, well, based on that, how many times we have
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: to have the conversation over and over again? I sometimes wonder.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: It's like it's genuinely hard work. And as a parent,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: you can be the very best, most well intentioned parent,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: and sometimes you still just don't make any progress on
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: this stuff. So, yes, girls, as this is normal, and
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: yes we should be worried because poor mental health should
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: not be normal. It should be the exception. Unfortunately, the
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: data is pointing the other way. Let's talk about these
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: four issues, starting with narrow gender expectations.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: Here's what a few of the girls said. Makeup and
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: shaving has become so normalized it's no longer a choice.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: It's just expected. If you're girly, you're made fun of
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: for being too girly, but if you're a tomboy, you're
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: also made fun of too. No matter what, you're always judged.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Parenting solutions that I want to share here. The first
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: thing that I want to emphasize is that what these
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: UK girls are saying is precisely what girls told me
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: when I interviewed them for my book Misconnection. These quotes
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: are you could almost have lifted them straight out of
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: my book and just put them into the study. The
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: teenage girls in Australia are saying the same things as
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: the girls in the UK. In terms of narrow gender expectations.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I think that actually plays out for both boys and girls,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: believe it or not, like if a boy steps out
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: of that man box, steps away from the boy code,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: the other boys police that. In fact, they police it
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: even more than the girls. Nevertheless, this is a pot
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: about girls. So what I would say is, when your
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: daughter tells you that she's interested in something, just support
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: her in it. It's really that simple. And if she's
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: not interested in much, give her exposure to all kinds
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: of things. One of the things that I love that
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: we're doing with our year ten daughter is that she's
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: going to this industry school where she's getting exposure to
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: things that both boys and girls are interested in, and
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: she's making up her own mind. And it's delightful to
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: watch that happening. The narrow confines of gender expectations are
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: certainly not working in anybody's favor, either our young boys
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: or our young girls.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: I think we've come a long way. Oh we have
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: compared to where I was in high school.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: You know we have, and we haven't. But go on.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I was the top student in my would work and
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: metal work class. Oh yeah, and also in my graphics class.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: But at that stage there was no one in my
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: corner except for my teacher. He begged me to keep
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: on with it, right, There was no one else in
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: my corner suggesting that this was something that I could
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: do as a girl and actually use it, utilize it
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: in my life. And I look back now and I
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: so wish that I had have done it. Number one
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I had a passion for and I loved it. And
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: number two, as we've gone through all of the years
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: together as a married.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Couple, oh, you could have saved us so much Funny, not.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Only could I have saved us so much money, but
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: I would have found so much fulfillment in my life
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: as I did.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Maybe we should build a shed and get you a
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: lathe or whatever they call those things. How good with it?
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Now you've raised two things there that we're getting off
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: where I wanted to go. But I think there's real value.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: First of all, those subjects are barely available in most
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: high schools anymore, would working home economics? What was the
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: other one? You said, metalwork? Like, they just don't do
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: that anymore. And we wonder why boys are so disinterested
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: in school. So for every ten girls who graduate high school,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: only eight boys do. For every ten girls that go
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: to university, only seven do. For every ten girls that
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: graduate with an education degree at university, only five or
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: six boys.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: Do, Which is so curious to me when you think
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: about education norms and the fact that still today in
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: so many societies, girl's education is not prioritized. And yet
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: here the data is telling us that not only a
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: girl's doing better.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Oh they're wiping the floor, but they.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Are obliterating education norms, especially against the boys, which leads
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: into the second issue, and that is intense academic pressure.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: The girls were really worried about that, and they said,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: this is feeding the mood disorders and the anxiety that
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: they're experiencing.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: They said, if a boy fails, it's really not that bad,
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: but if a girl does, it means a lot more.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: I push back on this a little bit. Right again,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: when you think about social norms, girls not doing so
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: well at school has never really been a big deal.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: So is this actually a perception is or is this reality?
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: It's a bit of both. And I'll tell you why.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: There's this thing that there's a gender based variation gap.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Girls just don't vary as much as boys do. So
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: when you look at high performers and low performers, boys
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: are overrepresented in both groups. So you kind of got
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: to bimodal distribution. With boys. You get a handful of
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: boys that do extremely well.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: And we put them in the geeky basket because they
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: are like.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Or the alpha academics, what do you want to call them.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: But then you also get those other boys who are
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: completely disengaged and they're falling through the cracks and they're
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: boisterous and they're disruptive and they get expelled on that
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: sort of thing, and the girls all kind of cluster
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: in the middle, whereas the boys are on the two extremes, right,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: there's also a lot of boys in the middle, but
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: the boys get a lot more attention because of that
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: gender based variability.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I feel my perception is that there's actually a lower
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: expectation of boys in general.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: There is that as well, and I've had quite a
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: lot of research points too. When boys don't do well,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: a lot of parents will shrug and say, oh, boys
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: will be boys, or he'll figure himself out. But we
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: put a lot of pressure on our girls and our
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: daughters to achieve. The expectation is that they will sit still,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: pay attention and get good grades, and they feel that.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: And so I think that that quote from that girl,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: if a boy fails, it's not that bad, but if
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: a girl doesn't means a lot more. I think that's
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: where she's coming from.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the pressure another statement in STEM classes, if you're
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: getting the worst results, you feel like you're letting down
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: other women.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because the girl power narrative is still so strong
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: in terms of what we can do as parents in
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: terms of the academic pressure, I would save this number one.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Share your own failures, let them know. Number two. I'm
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a huge believer in gap years. I really believe that
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: about eighty percent of kids that go straight from high
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: school to university should not have done that. They need
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: to grow up, they need to develop, mature and have
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: a sense of what it is that they want to learn.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: And just by emphasizing those couple of things and encouraging
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: our children to enjoy school rather than think that it
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: is a place that they have to get through with
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: the highest possible atar, then we're going to be able
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: to reduce that academic pressure.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: It's that's really good to introduce your kids to people
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: of all different walks of life, but specifically people who
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: haven't succeeded from the beginning. You know, when you think
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: about your story, for instance, and how you were in
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: literally the bottom fifteen percent of the state and to
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: be where you are now, it's a powerful reminder to
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: them that it doesn't actually matter where you are right now,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: it's your trajectory and where you want to go.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Love that.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: But I think it's also really important for us to
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: help them create some protective time around relaxation and sleep.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: Sleep.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Our kids don't get enough sleep.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Time in nature, time with friends. By encouraging them to
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: live a full and balanced life, literally, they will do
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: better at school. Anyway, but they will feel less pressure
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: as a result after the break. Our two other issues
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: that are driving low mood and anxiety disorders in our girls,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: according to them on the Happy Families podcast, all right, Kylie.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Our third issue peer comparison and conflict. We've got kids
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: that are worried about girls that are worried about narrow
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: gender expectations and intense academic pressure. But their friends, their friends,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: oh my goodness, constantly a source of a challenge, anxiety,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: and disruption for young women, young girls.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Here's what the girls said. They said it became a
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: competition to see if you could eat the least at lunch.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: This is astounding. So it was a whole table of
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: girls all with tiny little plates of salad. And then
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: if you didn't join in with that, you felt like
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: you were being judged because you were sat there eating
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: pasta or something and someone was like, oh my gosh,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: that's so much corps. You're going to get fat.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Direct quote.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: When girls are mean, it's less direct, So you feel
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: a bit crazy.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: When I wrote Misconnection, I know I keep referring to
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: the book, but again, these quotes feel like they've come
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: straight from my book. And when I wrote the book,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: girls were constantly saying that they questioned the loyalty of
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: their friends. They questioned the judginess of their friends ongoingly.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: This is an enduring issue. So as a parent, if
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: I want to reduce my child's challenges around anxiety and
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: depression and mood and well being, I'm just going to
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: be encouraging authentic friendships. Your children don't need lots of friends.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: They just need one or two friends who say, hey,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: so good to see it comes sit with us. They
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: need somebody who gives them a call on the weekend
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: and says, hey, let's get together or let's have a sleepover,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: or let's go for that run or that ride or
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: that walk or whatever. They just need someone in their
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: life who is there for them. And they need a
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: significant adult in their life to have those regular check
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: ins and make them feel safe and listen to and
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: seen and heard and valued. Those kinds of things will
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: provide their stabilizing influence when it comes to relationships. The
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: last issue was social media. Precious.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: The girls said, you see these people with perfect lives
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: and perfect houses and perfect face.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: So I got to stop you with that one, because
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: that's almost a direct quote again from my board, and
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: something that stood out to me is just this sense
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: that I really can perfect my life. The myth of
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: the perfectible life is as strong, if not stronger, than
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: it has ever been, and that comes out in these quotes.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Another one, the increasing connectedness is great, but it's also
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: really bad because you can compare yourself to everyone.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, competition, comparison being enough. That's what social media drives.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: The people that meta know it, and they feed off
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: it because they know that they get greater levels of
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: engagement and addiction from our kids. The solutions have effective
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: screen boundaries with your kids, model healthy tech usage yourself
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I think also having conversations with your children, specifically about
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: how they feel when they're yesting great this kind of stuff,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: you know, whether it's something as simple as giving them
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: a plate of fruit and getting them to eat that
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: and ask them how they feel, and then give them,
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: you know, a.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Whole packet of wam wheels.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: Of anything right, you know, processed half an hour later
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: and ask them how they feel about that. Like having
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: something visual and tangible like that to help them recognize
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: and understand the difference.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: That's a great Saturday activity.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: I really like that, yeah, And then as they're viewing content,
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: is the content that they're viewing elevating them, lifting them,
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: making them feel peaceful? Or is there anxiety around this
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: because I can't be enough?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: All right? So on this podcast, where about real paarenting
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: solutions every day? I feel like we've given several, So
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: let me recap what they are. First off, if your
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: child is feeling constricted because of narrow gender expectations, encourage
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: her to follow her authentic interests and go blaze her
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: own path. If your child is struggling with intense academic pressure,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: reduce the expectations by encouraging a whole and full and
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: balanced and rich life. Lots of sleep, lots of friends,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: lots of physical activity. You are not your atar, and
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: also encourage your gap year. It may not work for everybody,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: but I think that it will work for many people. Third,
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: in terms of the peer comparison stuff, foster one brilliant
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: relationship for your daughter if you can, and the social
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: media stuff Kylie tech boundaries, tech boundaries, tech boundaries that
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I think, based on the girl's own words, would be
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: a healthy list of solutions to help with mental health challenges.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And if I could add just one little thing. Love
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: it when you do spend time around the dinner table together.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, togetherness, belonging.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: If you want to protect your child, time together is
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: just so imperative.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, make it work, antidope, to make it worth her while.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: We will link to the study in the show notes
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: so that you can check out what the girls are saying.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: If this is your thing, you might also like to
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: grab a copy of Misconnection, Why your teenage daughter Hates You,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: expects the world and needs to talk by me yours truly,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson. It's available wherever you buy your books. The
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information and more resources, like I said,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: we'll link to them in the show notes and grab
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: a copy of Misconnection. It will make your family happier
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: if you're raising teenage girls. More details at happyfamilies dot
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: com dot au