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You've Got Decisions: Do I Dump His A**? · Decisions, Decisions

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: If you would like to have us answer your questions,
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: if you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: a terrible.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: Thruffle, guess what? You've got decisions. You've got decisions. And
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: I do too.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: Ba-doop-ba-doop.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: Welcome, guys, to another You Got.
• 0:21
  Speaker 4: Decisions where we answer your questions, a.k.a.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Home mail, a.k.a. whatever you want to call it. This
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: is what that is. If you want to send yours in, send.
• 0:32
  Speaker 4: It to decisionspod at gmail.com.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Now, this week's is a.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: Little bit long. What's the subject?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Do I dump his ass?
• 0:44
  Speaker 4: Oh, so.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: We gonna see what he did.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's probably gonna be a year.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: But do I dump his ass?
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: Again, if you have questions about your relationships, your friendships,
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: your situationships, your workships, all the things, send it to
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: decisionspod at gmail.com.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: I want to tell y'all before we get to this,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: just a little interesting thing.
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: I don't know what this letter is. I haven't read
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: it yet.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Do I dump his ass was a hour and a
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: half call I had with a friend.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: And this is why.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: She wasn't ready to dump his ass. They've been dating
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: about a year and a half. They have a big
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: trip planned. That trip is going to last about two
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: and a half weeks.
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: No.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: This person doesn't want to fuck him anymore.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: This person hates being around him.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: And said to me, the trip is going to bring
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: us back.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: I said, oh, the trip is going to.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: Make you leave early.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: The trip is going to make you waste your money.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: And she's like, well, I talked to my other friends.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I was calling, oh, this would annoy me. You know
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: when somebody don't like what you said? I was actually
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: just calling for an opinion.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I don't need advice. Just an opinion.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: But I'm going to do what I want to do.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's why I stopped giving advice to everybody. Duh.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: Girl.
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  Speaker 1: So I was like, well, how much money can y'all
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: get back or not get back? She's like, all the
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: hotels can be refundable within the two weeks. We have
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: one excursion that isn't. And our flights would be at e-credit.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: And I was like, what's the airline? Bitch, it was Delta.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: I said, girl, if y'all cancel that motherfucker.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Why would you?
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's dumb.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: That's dumb. But she going to do what she want
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: to do.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I understand the thought process of like, you know how
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: vacation is.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Everything is refundable.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, no.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Of thinking a vacation could mend.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: I understand that.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: No, I don't. You already know.
• 2:29
  Speaker 4: I don't even like being around the niggas I love
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: for more than four days.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Like, that's it. Like, that's it.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: That's right. Mandy got a four day limit. Four day limit.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about? I wouldn't want to do
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: two weeks with the love of my life.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: I literally asked her too.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I was like, so if you go on this trip
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: and it goes terrible, you guys get fucked up and
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: you're like, you know what? This isn't for me. In
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: the middle of those two weeks, are you going to
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: stay in Asia? Are you going to just travel and
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: be by yourself? And she's like, well, no, I'd come home.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: I'm like, then you're really wasting your money, bro.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's dumb.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Additionally, what I kind of tried to bring her back to.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: I don't know if you remember this. Maybe you do.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I was supposed to go on a trip with Old Bay,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: New Year's 2022 to Panama.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: And I never got on the flight. Do you remember this?
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: I don't think so. I think I thought you went
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: on the trip still, but I don't know.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: So we were doing that trip as like a repair.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: It was 2021. We planned it early in December and
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: we always went away.
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: For New Year's and December 29th. I was at my
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: mama house. We had just celebrated Christmas. I was, you know,
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: getting Nina ready to be with her.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Because I was about to leave. And I was checking
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: in for that flight and my spirit was like, nah.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I called him and it was a very short call
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: because he didn't really want to talk to me. I said,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I can't get on this plane. I said, I get
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: anxiety getting on the phone with you. And I'm thinking
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: that this trip is going to just fix it. I'm
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: not even excited to go. He was very kind. He
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: was like, yo, let's just enjoy the beach. At the
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: core of it, we're friends. And we weren't, like, heavy
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: arguing or anything. Let's just go on this trip we planned.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I can't go. And he went by himself.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: I felt bad, but. You are another bitch. No, no, no.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: He just fucked a bunch of prostitutes. You know my age.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: I mean, that too.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: You know, I wouldn't go on a vacation with a
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: homegirl I was beefing with.
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  Speaker 2: Let alone a nigga. That I'm not a nigga.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: No, but you ain't fucking your homegirl.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: So I understand. I mean, I do fuck my homegirls, though.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: The ones you beef with? One of them.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I have. That's what I'm saying. Indeed.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: Okay, fun. Go, go, go. Do I die?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Well, let's get into the letter.
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: Let's get into it.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Hey, ladies.
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: Appreciate you both for your expertise, advice.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: And humor. So basically, I'm a 31-year-old.
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: Black woman and single mother in a coastal city who's.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Figuring it out as I go.
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  Speaker 4: I've had shitty relationships, including a partner in the past
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: who died during the pandemic. I've been to therapy, worked
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: through my shit, and more recently was single for a
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: little over a year until I met my boyfriend.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: He's a 32-year-old black.
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  Speaker 4: Man, 6'3, big dick, medium ugly, funny as fuck, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: sucks when he cares.
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  Speaker 3: Not medium ugly.
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: We relate to each other on so much, and I
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: do appreciate his outlook on life and enjoy his company.
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: He takes care of me, cooks for me, and just
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: genuinely makes sure I'm good. But I'm noticing a pattern
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: where he fails to show up for important days.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: My birthday was in February.
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: It was my first birthday since our relationship started, so
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  Speaker 4: I figured he would do something sweet.
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  Speaker 2: I was feeling the need.
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: To be solo on my birthday, so I made myself
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: a solo dinner reservation at a nice restaurant. He asked
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: if he could join me because we're foodies and love
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: eating together. I figured he would at least bring flowers
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: and a card and pay for the meal. Wrong. He
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: tagged along, fucked up my plans because I had to
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: rebook the reservation to accommodate two, which meant we got
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: there shortly before the kitchen closed and they were out
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: of everything I wanted. No card, no flowers, and he
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: was going through a job transition and apparently couldn't pay,
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: which he didn't tell me before.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: So I paid for both of us.
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  Speaker 4: To be fair, I guess the day before my birthday,
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  Speaker 4: he came over and cooked me dinner and on a
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: CVS run together, he.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Bought me a little dinky vibrator.
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: Side note, my friends got me a birthday gift card
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: to our local sex shop where I could buy myself
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: a good quality vibe.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Love them for that.
• 6:42
  Speaker 4: I was pissed and had a serious conversation with him
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  Speaker 4: about why the fuck he would do that and took
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: space so he could figure his shit out and if
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: being in a relationship was even what he wanted. He
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: made it up to me. We had a conversation and
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: kept dating. That was my fuck up because the pattern continued.
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: On Mother's Day, he didn't do shit for me. No card,
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: no flowers. I was throwing a Mother's Day event at
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  Speaker 4: work that I organized. He showed up for 30 minutes
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: before leaving to go to dinner with a friend. He
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: said the dinner was pre-planned and he would make it
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: up to me by booking us a spa trip that
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: still hasn't happened.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: Strike two.
• 7:24
  Speaker 4: This past weekend, I threw an event with a friend
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: and although he had work, I was hoping he would
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: stop by afterwards just to say hello and congratulate me.
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  Speaker 2: He didn't. He told me he was going to go
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: play pool with a friend after work. Strike three. All right,
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: now here we get to the question.
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  Speaker 4: I immediately told him I felt hurt that it seemed
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: like my important days don't matter to him.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: We argued a bit.
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: He told me I was scorekeeping in our relationship to
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: the point it was making me jaded, and he asked
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: me to be more forthcoming with my expectations. I told
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: him I could do that for some things, but I
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: wasn't going to inform him each time I want to
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: be celebrated because that defeats the purpose of having people
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: genuinely love and celebrate you without having to be told.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Eventually, he admitted.
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: That he fucked up on my birthday and Mother's Day,
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: but not for the event because he didn't know I
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: wanted him to come and that he doesn't celebrate himself,
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: so he's not often thinking of celebrating others. He also
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: told me that he feels like the time he spends
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: with me and sometimes my daughter can be exhausting and
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: that it clouds his judgment slash ability about showing up
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: on big dates.
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: Bullshit.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: He said he feels terrible and will do better going forward.
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: That he needs more, some more clarity in my expectations
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: and that he doesn't want to be the kind of
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: guy who doesn't do shit for his girlfriend. So I've
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: been thinking of dumping him since Monday. but it's hard
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: for me to know when something is worth discussing and
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: working through. I also high-key need him to help me
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: move into my new apartment next weekend, so I'm hesitant
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: to break up right now.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Laughing. He was honest about his.
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: Feeling, but I feel like maybe he doesn't have the
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: fortitude to date someone like me. All my relationships have
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: been ass. This is probably the healthiest one, and this
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: is the only big issue we've run into.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: However, it's a pattern now.
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: He's great, sweet, gentle, is principled, and has great dick,
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: but also kind of an asshole in this regard. There
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: have been other things I brought up in the past
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: that we've talked through, and he genuinely did change his
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: behavior and work toward compromise with me.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: So I know it's possible, but goddamn, is this what
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: a relationship is like?
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: So do I dump him, believe that he will improve,
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: show him forgiveness, give it a few more months, or
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: kick his ass to the curb? I love him, but
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: I'm trying to practice loving myself more.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Thanks, ladies.
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: Your face look like mine, so I don't know where
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: you going with it.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: You and your daughter are exhausting. He's crazy.
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: Oh, wow.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: You have a different thought than I do. Okay.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Go.
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: You think that that was the crazy part, him expressing
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: that he, that she and her daughter are exhausted.
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, go ahead.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, the thoughts I have within that are, I don't
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: think it's fair to date people with children and then
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: act like those children and that person being a parent
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: is an inconvenience.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: I have friendships.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Where women have become mothers during our friendship, and that
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: has changed the dynamic of our friendship, but I would
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: never call them inconveniencing or exhausting because I chose to
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: be there as a friend.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: I don't think that... No, it's true.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: It could be true to you. I disagree with that sentiment.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I don't think you should.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: Date parents.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Knowing what we know about how much work it takes
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: to raise a kid and then suddenly be like, too
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: much for me. Like, I just feel like that was
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: kind of wrong. So that was actually the big jolt
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: for me is like, you're adding up all the other shit. Like,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I think I don't really butt with you and your kid. Like,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: he'd much rather be the only one here.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: Right? I disagree with that. Okay, but you go. Yeah, no, no, no.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: I hear you.
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: Someone is able to say that they are exhausting or exhausted.
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: I say it even when I went to my friend's
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: birthday party. Everything's giving in Dallas. The family's large.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: There's kids. There's dogs.
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: Someone's pets, someone that has a system or ecosystem that's
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: different than what you're used to can absolutely, and it
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: should be fair for me to share my experience My
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: feeling is that it's exhausting.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: And it is.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: He chose to be there for Thanksgiving knowing there's a
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: huge family, right?
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Because he wants to be.
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: There for a year and a half. So, I mean,
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: clearly he doesn't mind playing stepdaddy. But if I even
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: get into a relationship with a man, being around their
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: children could be exhausting. I don't think it's wrong to
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: admit to that because that's how I feel in the moment.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's burden-esque.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Like, I get the vibe that it's kind of like
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: you're kind of making me feel like my lifestyle is
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: too much for you and or a problem.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: That's how I took it. Okay.
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: I think then that because you brought it up in
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: this letter, I think that you need to have a
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: deeper dive into what he means by that then. Because
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: I do think that it's fair for anyone, especially someone
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: with no kids, who now has to be a part
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: of a relationship with a child. For that to be
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: a common thing, I'm exhausted.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: I used to be a daddy, but now here I
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: am being daddy for a year and a half.
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: It's okay for people to... to talk about when they're disappointed.
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: Like if she's able to share that she's disappointed and
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: let down, I don't think it's wrong for him to
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: admit that how he's now having to show up in
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: this dynamic outside of just a partner, you and your
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: being with you and your daughter.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: Is exhausting because he's now also showing up as a stepdad.
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: So be that as it may showing up as a stepdad,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: let's just say he's exhausted or whatever. Are her expectations
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: of effort for him as a boyfriend, uh, so far
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: out of reach because I don't think they are.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: I think that she, it kind of reminds me of
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: the conversation we had with Maya the dog. And I
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: got a clip that went where Maya was like, pretty
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: much like, I shouldn't tell you how to treat me.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: You should know how to do it already. That's what
• 13:39
  Speaker 4: this letter was giving off to me. Like, okay, you're,
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: you're doing the three strike rule, but also you planned
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: a solo date. So you didn't even really make it
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: be known that you wanted to be with him or
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: wanted him to make your birthday extravagant because you planned
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: a solo dinner. You decorating and throwing a party at
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: your job and him having plans, if you don't sit
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: here and let him know.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: That- Wasn't the thing on her birthday though?
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no. There was a birthday.
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: There was Mother's Day and then the work event. I'm
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: talking about the work event. My nigga doing throwing a
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: work event I don't know that that's something you want
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: me to celebrate or show up to. Like some people
• 14:19
  Speaker 4: don't want to mix their personal life and bring it
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: to work. Like to me, there's a lot of things
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: that it sounds like you don't let him know what
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: things make you happy. And we talked about love languages
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: so much here. I'm hearing you on that part.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: That it's giving that. And the fact that you have
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: already check one, check two, check three.
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: And then you came to him with this system. Like
• 14:43
  Speaker 4: I've been that person to do that too. And it's
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: just like, well, if you're keeping score, but not letting
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: me know exactly how you want me to show up,
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: but in your mind, you're hoping and expecting me to
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: show up in a way that I'm not.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Well, how are you bringing.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: These things up?
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: A few things though. Um, Low effort on birthdays. I
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: don't think it's much to ask for. I understand he
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: may not have a bunch of cash right now.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: Totally fine. Right?
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Well, and she said she didn't know that.
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: So the fact that you found out after, you got
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: to take that strike away.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: He didn't have it to splurge on you. He was
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: in between jobs. I'm with you.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: On that one. Being in between jobs all day. I'm here.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: We're there on that one.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I think that part is fine.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I think that maybe feeling like there was an effort
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: made for her birthday, like saying, OK, he got me
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: a vibrator at CVS. That would make me feel kind
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: of like a handwritten card. There are so many things
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: that make me feel valued. The best gifts my man
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: have got me. I'm not going to share the ring.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: He got me Hermes. That was a big deal for me.
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: But during Christmas, there was this teapot I wanted. That
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: was like some special thing.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: And he gave me a handwritten card.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: And I kind of bugged out on that more than Hermes.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: But it was really because I was like, damn, that
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: nigga must really listen. Because I never told him I
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: want that shit.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: I told the friends. I told somebody else. Sure, he
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: got me more gifts. But that teapot was a big deal.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: And I am realizing.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: For me, maybe like this person, the thoughtfulness, the gesture,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: the feeling cared about, it's not necessarily by doing something grand.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: It could be by knowing you did something for me.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: And so to get me a CVS vibrator, eh.
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: I mean, but also she noted her friends bought her
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: a gift card to a sex shop.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: So the fact that the friends got.
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: Her a gift card to a local sex shop, this
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: actually might have been something she asked for. Because if
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: the friends also got you that. Didn't they go walk
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: into the CVS together?
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: I think they did.
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: That's not good. This was the day before her birthday.
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: He came over and cooked her dinner and they went
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: on a CVS run and yet he bought her a vibrator.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: No, bro, no. No.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Which is also crazy.
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: Because, so he came over and cooked you dinner before
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: your birthday, which actually is, and this is why I
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: bring up love language again. To me, like, you want gifts.
• 17:17
  Speaker 4: You want extravagant gestures. He's doing things that maybe to
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: him means something. Bro, getting me a.
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: CVS birthday present while I'm there is not.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: But no, he came over and cooked her dinner. I
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: said that. I still, only a YN was the one
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: who cooked for me. Like, I haven't had a man
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: cook for me. That's nice. Mind you, I want to
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: go up to that.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: That is nice.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: She also said he's sweet. He's caring.
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: We relate to each other. I appreciate his outlook on
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: life and enjoy his company. He takes care of me,
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: cooks for me. So she started this with all of
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: these things. I'm wondering what he does for her to
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: describe him this way. Because is he only showing up
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: in the lack of gifts?
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: This seems like she wants more gifts.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, no. She said it's important things in
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: her life, like dates.
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: But she, but on, no, it's not even dates because, cool,
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: she brought up her birthday and she brought up Mother's Day,
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: but both of those, she said, no gift, no card,
• 18:15
  Speaker 4: no flowers.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: She's talking about tangible things though.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: But mandy that's not crazy to ask for i'm sorry.
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: If i'm not mom crazy to ask for but this
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: guy in particular may his his love language may be
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: the cooking for you the spending the days with you
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: when you're what did he do on mother's day mother's
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: day he already had plans he had a pre he
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: said uh that he had a pre-planned dinner Already.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: So, he said that.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: Maybe boyfriend means different shit to me.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: He said that he would pick up.
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: To it by booking us a spa trip, but that
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: still hasn't happened.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: If I was dating a father, I'm sorry, my nigga.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: If I was dating a dad, I would not be
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: remissed by doing something for you on Father's Day.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: Like, that would not.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: I'm with the list.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie.
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: A lot of this is reading, like, Y'all aren't as,
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: you know, like maybe this is more of a situationship than.
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: OK, well, I'm glad Mandy agreed because he is treating
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: you like. Whatever. This isn't boyfriend.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: And it's just crazy to me, too, that.
• 19:27
  Speaker 4: I mean, and people have their own lives, yes, but
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: this is the thing on Mother's Day, get a preplanned
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: dinner and on the day of your work event. He
• 19:36
  Speaker 4: had plans already to go shoot pool after work with
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: another friend. This is what I'm saying. I don't think
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: you're letting it be known that certain things and certain
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: dates mean so much to you. and you have to
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: let that be known like my boyfriend doesn't celebrate Christmas
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: I don't care about celebrating my birthday he doesn't care
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: about New Year's holidays I don't give a fuck about
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: 4th of July I don't care like there's certain holidays
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: that I don't need to celebrate.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: I think that.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I've dated women. We have women friends.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I think it's not that hard to figure women out.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: And I think that doing something for a woman on
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: a special day as their partner is pretty easy.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: Like, but I'm also a different type of bitch, bro.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: I will drop everything.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: For something that's important to somebody and show up. My
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: man has a marathon next week. It's his first one.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I was supposed to be flying out to LA. I'm
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: filming that day for a network. Bitch, I pushed the
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: filming time. His fucking run is at 8 a.m. I
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: know I can get on the 1 p.m. flight by
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: the time he crosses the line. Like, and if I
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: couldn't have, I'd have canceled that shit. He probably wouldn't
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: have let me. But I really, truly believe that, like,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: all we are able to do is give our time
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: and show up in a way that's meaningful. And so
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: you don't need to figure out if Mother's Day is
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: going to mean something to your girl, bro. Mother's Day
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: is something. That nigga don't give a fuck. And I'm
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: kind of agreeing with Mandy. Maybe you in a situation shit.
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: And then if you're not in a situation shit, you
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: said he's great, sweet, gentle, is principled, has great dick.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Like to me, you're highlighting so many good things about him.
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: If he's great and the only thing he's missing is
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: just not knowing how to celebrate you, I think you
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: need to be more vocal in what that looks like
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: and what days matter to you. And you need to
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: make sure them shits are on his calendar. OK, that's
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: that's if it matters that their mommy, I don't think
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: that this is something worth breaking up with him over.
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: I do think, though, that you need to make it
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: more clear what celebrating you looks like, because he even
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: acknowledged that he doesn't even celebrate himself. So if he's
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: someone that doesn't look at these holidays as much, he
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: doesn't do birthdays, he doesn't do these things.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: I've dated people like this.
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: You have to kind of actually tell them verbatim what
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: would make you happy on this day and make sure
• 22:08
  Speaker 4: that they know that you want them to show up
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: in this way to make you feel loved.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: I feel that. And if he feels out of his
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: way to make sure that you're hurt, that's one thing.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: But he's also verbally telling you that, This isn't how
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: he moves. And I do, though.
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: You need to.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: I do think that she's been disappointed, though.
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: Even the give it more months, kick his ass to
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: the curb. I don't think this should be on a timetable.
• 22:42
  Speaker 4: I just think that you need to. Talk to him,
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: figure out what your boundaries are, and if he continues
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: to tell you, hey. I cannot meet these expectations that
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: you have of me. If that becomes a deal breaker,
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: then break up with him. But if he's being honest with, hey,
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: how you need me to show up in this particular area,
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: I'm incapable of, and I'm going to continue to let
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: you down. I don't want those expectations put on me
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: because that's not the type of guy I am.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: I think you need to listen to that as well.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Because the same way I had.
• 23:19
  Speaker 4: To put my boundaries down with actor bae, listen.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be a bitch after day four. I
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: need my space. I need my alone time.
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: This has nothing to do with you, but more to
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: do with the type of person I'm aware that I am.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: If he's telling you, I'm.
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: Going to fall short in doing this because it's not
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: natural for me. I can try, but I don't want
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: you to keep this score system against me. You have
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: to respect him in telling you who he is and
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: how he's able to show up for you.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: I don't know if she's keeping score, but it's clear.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: She's keeping score. She said it in the.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: I mean, she's listening out to things that.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: Strike one, strike two, strike three. She's like, bitch, I'm
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: ready to break up with this nigga. Or do I
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: give him another strike? This is definitely scorekeeping.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, he thinks she's exhausted. Might as well go
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: where you're celebrated. He said he don't even celebrate himself.
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: My friends are exhausting and I love them. So that's
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: not fair to say their kids are exhausting. When I
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: have to deal with being TT and auntie.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's not that shouldn't be the reply for like, hey,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: this is why I can't show up for you.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: That's all I'm saying.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: No, that wasn't the response. It was something else that
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: he said.
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: He also told me he feels like the time that
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: he spends with me and sometimes my daughter can be exhausting.
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: That's not that's not necessarily excuse. And he said that
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: it clouds his judgment or ability. Well, no, that doesn't...
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: I don't believe he even said that.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: Girl, I don't know if that's your boyfriend. Let us
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: know what happened.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Let us know what happened. I would love the update
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: on this. Thank you so very much.
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: Again, if you want to send your letter in, send
• 24:57
  Speaker 4: it to decisionspod at gmail.com and make sure you check
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: us out every Monday, Decisions Decisions, and every Tuesday on
• 25:06
  Speaker 4: Patreon only for Horrible Decision.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: All right, guys.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Bye.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: Love y'all.