Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Gaslights You
Transcript
- Lucas: So you have a conversation with your boss about a deadline you both agreed on, and she looks you straight in the eye and says, 'We never discussed that date. I have no idea what you're talking about.' And for a split second, you actually wonder — did I imagine that conversation? Luna: That moment of self-doubt is the whole point. That's gaslighting in its purest form. Lucas: Exactly. And it's one of the hardest workplace dynamics to deal with, because it's designed to make you question your own reality. We've covered a lot of difficult boss behaviors on this show — micromanagers, credit thieves, people-pleasers — but gaslighting sits in its own category. It's psychological manipulation, not just poor management. Luna: And it's surprisingly common. A 2023 survey from the Workplace Bullying Institute found that about 30 percent of American workers reported experiencing some form of gaslighting from a supervisor. But because it's subtle, a lot of people don't name it. Lucas: Right. And part of the reason it's so insidious is that gaslighting isn't a single incident. It's a pattern. Your boss contradicts your memory, denies saying things you clearly heard, accuses you of being too sensitive, or rewrites history in team meetings. Over time, you start to feel like you're the problem. Luna: So how do you distinguish gaslighting from a boss who just has a bad memory or is genuinely disorganized? Lucas: That's the million-dollar question. And the key difference is intentionality — or at least consistency. A disorganized boss might forget things across the board, but they usually acknowledge their gaps when you show them evidence. A gaslighting boss, when you present proof — an email, a calendar invite — they'll pivot. They'll say, 'Well, that's not what I meant' or 'You're taking that out of context.' They never concede. The goal isn't accuracy, it's control. Luna: So the pattern is: deny, deflect, dismiss. And over time, it erodes your confidence. I've seen it happen to a friend who worked for someone who would gaslight the entire team before a quarterly review. She'd say, 'You all agreed to this aggressive timeline' — when no one had. And then they'd scramble to meet a deadline that never existed. Lucas: That's a classic move. And it works because in a hierarchy, the boss has positional authority. When they say 'you agreed,' the default assumption — especially in a meeting — is that maybe you did and you just forgot. So the first survival tactic is: stop trusting your memory. Not because you're wrong, but because gaslighting actively corrupts your memory. Luna: What do you replace it with? A paper trail? Lucas: Exactly. But not just any paper trail. You need a system that feels natural, not paranoid. The moment you sense a pattern — after the second or third time your boss denies something you know happened — start sending a brief email after every important conversation. Something like, 'Just to confirm our discussion, I'll have the draft to you by Friday, as we discussed. Please let me know if that doesn't match your understanding.' Keep it neutral. It's not accusatory, it's clarifying. And if she later says 'I never asked for Friday,' you have a timestamped document. Luna: I like that because it's not 'gotcha' — it's professional. But what if your boss refuses to engage with written confirmations? Some managers never reply to email. Lucas: Then you use other forms of documentation. Take meeting notes and share them with the team — 'Here's a summary of what we covered and next steps.' If your boss corrects you publicly, great — that creates a record. If she doesn't, you have a shared document that everyone saw. Also, use calendar invites with agendas. That creates a digital footprint that's harder to deny. Luna: What about verbal gaslighting in one-on-ones? When it's just you and the boss, no witnesses. Lucas: That's the hardest scenario. In those cases, you might consider recording the conversation if you live in a one-party consent state — but check your local laws first. More practically, you can debrief immediately after the meeting. Send yourself a time-stamped email: 'Met with boss. She said X, I said Y. She denied Z.' That's not admissible in court, but it helps you keep a chronological record, which is important if you ever go to HR or a lawyer. Luna: And at what point do you go to HR? Because gaslighting is notoriously hard to prove. Lucas: You go to HR when you have a pattern — three or more documented instances — and when the gaslighting is affecting your ability to do your job, or your mental health. But you need to frame it in objective, behavioral terms. Don't say 'my boss gaslights me.' Say 'I've had three instances where my boss denied instructions she gave in writing, and here are the emails. This is causing confusion and rework.' HR responds to productivity impact more than emotional impact. Luna: That's smart. Use their language. And if HR doesn't help? Lucas: Then you have a decision to make. In some cases, gaslighting crosses into constructive dismissal — meaning your boss makes the environment so toxic that you're effectively forced to resign. If you have solid documentation, you might have a legal case. But honestly, for most people, the healthiest move is to start looking for a new job. Gaslighting erodes your self-trust, and that takes time to rebuild. Luna: Speaking of rebuilding — one thing that helped my friend was finding an ally outside the reporting line. A mentor in a different department who could validate her experience. Because gaslighting makes you feel crazy, and having someone say 'that sounds messed up' is incredibly grounding. Lucas: Absolutely. Isolation is part of the strategy. Gaslighters often try to cut you off from colleagues who might corroborate your reality. So actively maintain those connections. Have coffee with a peer from another team. Join a professional network. The more independent sources of feedback you have, the harder it is to gaslight you. Luna: And if you recognize that you're the one doing some of these things? Like, what if a manager listening realizes they've denied things or made people question their memory? Lucas: That's a really honest question. And I think the line between busy, stressed-out management and gaslighting is intent and frequency. If you occasionally forget a conversation and then genuinely apologize when shown evidence, that's not gaslighting. But if you find yourself consistently refusing to acknowledge mistakes, or if you feel a need to always be right, that's a red flag. The fix is the same tool: write things down. Send confirmation emails yourself. Make your expectations visible. It protects everyone. Luna: I want to go back to something you said earlier — about how gaslighting erodes self-trust. Because I think that's the real damage. Even after you leave a gaslighting boss, you carry that habit of second-guessing yourself. Lucas: Yeah. And that's why the documentation isn't just for HR — it's for you. It's an anchor. When you look back at that email you sent on June 14th, 2026, and you see your own clear words, it reminds you that you were right all along. Your perception is valid. And that's something you need to hold onto, because the gaslighter wants you to forget. Luna: If we've helped you think through a tough situation at work, or just made your commute a little more interesting, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, but listener support is what keeps this thing ad-free and independent. Lucas: Yeah, it really does. And we appreciate everyone who's been part of that. Now, back to the gaslighting script — because I want to give you one more concrete line to use. Luna: Good. I need this. Lucas: When your boss denies something you clearly remember, try this: 'I may be misremembering, but my notes/email show X. Can you help me understand the discrepancy?' You're not attacking them. You're inviting them to explain. And if they can't, or if they deflect, you've learned something important about their willingness to engage with reality. Luna: That's a really elegant script. It leaves the door open for them to correct themselves, but it also protects your ground. Lucas: Exactly. And if they still gaslight after that, you have confirmation that it's not a one-off mistake. It's a pattern. And then you can decide what to do with that information — whether it's escalating, setting harder boundaries, or planning your exit. Luna: One thing I'd add: trust your gut. If you feel confused or off-balance after almost every interaction with your boss, that's a signal. Don't explain it away. Lucas: That's the bottom line. Your brain is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.